Billy Masters, 5 May 2008

“In the world we’re living in, gay people are still horribly discriminated against. Why does anybody need to be so affected by someone else’s happiness? Some of these people show up 20 years in a row at the county clerk’s office [to get married] knowing they’re going to be turned down. That’s dedication and love. These are decent people." – Jason Lewis speaks out on behalf of gay marriage in Los Angeles Confidential magazine. He also said he is not gay, but that doesn’t make him any less delectable.

It’s Fleet Week here in Fort Lauderdale, which I mistakenly thought had something to do with enemas. A very patient Lupe at our local CVS told me it actually refers to semen…which didn’t clear up anything. She then spelled S-E-A-M-E-N, although ironically enough, the Fleet enemas were indeed backordered!

Our coffers are chock-a-block with gossip that we’re dying to share, so we’re gonna go for quantity rather than quality this week and cover loads of topics. In fact, we have so much dish, it’s too much for the print edition of this column. Head on over to www.BillyMasters.com for every last drop.

Gays have overtaken South Florida. Last week, Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey turned up at Edison Farrow’s wildly popular Martini Tuesdays at Halo in South Beach. The pair play gay in the upcoming flick I Love You Phillip Morris and spent time soaking up some of our more colorful culture. Also in the flick is hunky Rodrigo Santoro. He and Carrey look awfully sexy in their retro Versace duds that show off their toned, tanned torsos. Naturally, we’ll run photos on our aforementioned website.

The pretty but questionably talented Gale Harold will turn up on this season’s finale of Desperate Housewives. Hot on the heels of rumors of a fast-forward in time when next season rolls around, we’re told that Gale will be paired with one of the housewives (likely not the allegedly soon-to-be-departing Nicollette Sheridan).

Rumor has it that Ryan Seacrest’s job with American Idol is not as secure as the rest of the cast. With Seacrest’s increasingly hectic schedule, Idol brass have openly speculated that perhaps he is not giving 100 percent to the show – and that perhaps what passes as “wit” is wearing on the audience. One of our sources recently was part of a focus group about the show, and Ryan was the only person who had questions specifically about them. People were asked what they thought about Ryan’s chemistry with the judges and the contestants. Hmmmm.

Kabbalah insiders (yes, I have spies everywhere) tell me that Madonna’s daughter, little Lourdes Leon, is campaigning to move in with her dad! The 11-year-old feels she’d like to stay rooted in NYC and not constantly be on the go…and, reportedly, Madonna is OK with this. Well, Madonna’s had a busy week promoting her new CD, performing at Roseland in NYC (we’ll post some hot photos of Madge and Justin Timberlake), and showing off the new guitar chord she learned last year!

Another celebrity spawn, Bobbi Kristina Brown Houston Warwick Franklin, allegedly tried to commit suicide days before her 15^th birthday. According to the National Enquirer (so get out that salt shaker), Bobbi Kristina tried to stab Whitney, and then slit her wrists because mommy won’t let her move out – which begs the question, why do these daughters hate their psycho celebrity moms? Allegedly (and ironically), Bobbie Kristina is in a psych ward.

Kathy Griffin and bazillionaire Steve Wozniak are kaput. Of course, I never really believed this was a romantic pairing – a feeling reaffirmed by a statement Kath made at last week’s GLAAD Awards: “I have to say he is in the friends category now. As a matter of fact, I got an e-mail last week from him, and he is going to marry someone else. I think he might be married. I don’t really know that for sure.”

Mariah and Nick Cannon got married this week. Originally, this item came in from Latina magazine – which I regularly read with a passion. Confirmation came from a relative of Nick’s who said: “If that is what he wants then we are happy for him.” Gee, what a warm welcome! We hear that the couple had a small ceremony on an island, after which Mimi jumped in the ocean and swam with the dolphins. OK, I made that last part up…or did I?

Rumor has it that Beyoncé not only married Jay-Z, but she’s also pregnant.

Things are heating up between John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston. We obtained some pics of the swimsuit clad pair cavorting on South Beach. While not as tasty as those pics of him in the Borat onesie, we’ll run ‘em anyway.

At the risk of sounding like a flash-back, Donny and Marie are headed to Vegas. See what happens when you collapse on live TV? You get a talk show and a Vegas show. The format will be similar to their variety show in the ‘70s and is being produced by Vegas veteran, Danny Gans. The couple will debut at the Flamingo on September 9^th, replacing the mysteriously ill Toni Braxton. FYI, the Osmond Brothers will debut their own show in September at the New Orleans Hotel and Casino. Maybe Toni can take Ann-Margret’s place at the Paddlewheel!

Pamela Anderson is officially a US citizen. Yes, she actually passed the test, which means it must have been multiple choice.

Carmen Electra is squashing those rumors of a lesbian tryst with Joan Jett by announcing she will marry Korn guitarist, Rob Patterson. The rocker proposed to Electra on her 36^th birthday in Las Vegas. And, rumor has it, the strip-aerobic sensation could be pregnant. She told our spies at Coachella that she really wanted to have a baby.

Speaking of Coachella, former Lost hunk Ian Somerhalder was cruising the fairgrounds shirtless – and looking remarkably buff and hot. Fan sent me some sizzling snaps, which I will happily share on BillyMasters.com.

CSI actor Gary Dourdan was arrested on suspicion of possessing heroin when he was leaving Coachella. After he was taken into custody, police discovered he was actually in possession of cocaine, ecstasy, and some prescription drugs. Maybe he thought he was going to the White Party! Rumor is, he may have gone on a bender after getting dumped from CSI.

Sexy Shia LeBeouf plopped himself down on some grass in the Coachella VIP section, took off his shirt, and tanned between acts. As someone who has never seen the appeal of Mr. Beef, I must say he’s buffed up quite well for the latest Indiana Jones flick. And, naturally, those photos will also be posted on our website.

In more Indy news, Harrison Ford allowed Access Hollywood to film him having his chest waxed! He says the reason was to make some kinda freaky analogy about how we’re stripping the earth of plants just like he’s stripping hair off his torso. I don’t get it, but I’ll post the pics anyway.

In case Harrison is not your cup of tea, little Zac Efron was snapped on the set of High School Musical 3 sans shirt. Apparently, when he exited the make-up trailer, he had his T-shirt in his hand and the paparazzi snagged a few shots before he put it on. I have to say, he’s looking quite defined – in that Olga Korbut way!

I know you people think I hate Reichen. The truth of the matter is, I think he’s a lost soul who has consistently made bad choices and routinely uses his (and other people’s) looks as a solution to problems best worked out on a therapist’s couch. The latest news is that he’s broken up with model/trainer/kept boy Ryan Berry – and went public with his anger. While Ryan returned to Laguna (where he was the “desk girl” at a local gym), Reichen changed his MySpace profile status from “In A Relationship” to “Single”, he added the tagline “You shady lying sack of shit. You’re BEYOND gross. What an idiot I have been!” While I appreciate the candor, I have serious doubts that he’s actually learned anything from the tables having been turned. He also posted a list of “Dating Tips for Hollywood”, two of which jumped out at me: 1) Never believe them when they say they’re only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them; and 2) Never underestimate their need for celebrity, money, and fame. I think Chip has a similar list….

So what if we’re running long? I’m still gonna slip in an Ask Billy question. Wayne in Providence writes: “Neil Patrick Harris was on Howard Stern’s show and talked about dating Ben Stiller’s wife. What else did he reveal?”

Neil said that when he didn’t feel any “sparks” with Christine Taylor, he knew he must be gay. He added that in his early teens, he had “been with” women – which presumably means in the Biblical sense. Regarding his current relationship with David Burtka, NPH said that he is “versatile”. Of course, sitting on the dick doesn’t make you a top.

When I can start with an enema item and end explaining what a top does, it’s time to end yet another column. Of course, I’ll tell a helluva lot more in my show Going Out On A Limb at Chicago’s Bailiwick Repertory on May 21, 23 and 25. Tickets just went on sale at www.BillyMasters.com, where you can also find the best gossip around. If you’ve got a question, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I hire Ryan Seacrest to be my understudy! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

When I’m applauding someone for being out of shape, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. I promised you a big announcement last week, and here it is – Billy Masters is returning to the stage. I will be trying out my new one-man-show, Going Out On A Limb at Chicago’s Bailiwick Repertory in their cozy Studio. Space is very tight for this strictly limited run of three shows only – May 21, 23 and 25. Yes, it coincides with Grabby and IML Weekend (otherwise known as Memorial Day Weekend), so a good time will be had by all. You can buy tickets at our website www.BillyMasters.com – where you’ll also find a plethora of penii (that’s the plural of penis). You can always write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Britney depends on the kindness of strangers (again)! Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.