April 14, 2014
"I have no problem with your pelvis at all, actually." Bruno Tonioli disagrees with other Dancing With The Stars judges, who complained that James Maslow's bottom half was somewhat out of synch.  Then again, I'm sure Bruno never met a groin he didn't like.

Can I tell you a secret?  Shhhh, don't tell anyone, but one of my life's ambitions is to be viewed solely as a sex object.  However, there's a problem - one that cosmetic surgery and a personal trainer can't solve.  Even in my youthful prime, I was always funny and no one looks at funny people as particularly sexy.  If they did, Joan Rivers would have an STD named after her.  Last week, Rob Lowe received criticism after telling the New York Times he believes good-looking people like him are discriminated against.  "I was a teen idol, I was so goddamn pretty I wouldn't have taken myself seriously."  I'm shocked.  He thinks he didn't get jobs because he was too pretty?  Did he miss the Academy Awards where he "sang" with Snow White?  Being pretty was the least of his problems.

Hillary Clinton may very well be on her way to becoming our next president, and she already has something in common with George W. Bush - she too has had a shoe thrown at her!  Her close call with a sensible pump happened during a speech at a Las Vegas metal recycling convention.  Being as quick on her feet as Anita Bryant (see the column two weeks ago), Hillary quipped, "Is that somebody throwing something at me?  Is that part of Cirque du Soleil?  My goodness, I didn't know solid waste management was so controversial.  Thank goodness she didn't play softball like I did."  Let me share with Clinton something I was taught by Inspector Mobilier in grammar school - stop, drop and roll.  OK, that was for fire prevention month, but the same applies to running for president.

Do you know what last week was?  It was Japan's annual Penis Festival.  How on Earth have I missed it all these years?  On the first Sunday in April, thousands of people celebrated Kanamara Matsuri, which translates loosely as Festival of the Steel Phallus.  There's even a parade...kinda like in Italy where they carry statues of saints through the streets during various feasts.  In Kawasaki, the people carry a gigantic pink penis down the street, children suck on penis-shaped lollipops, eat penis-shaped desserts, and play with penis-shaped balloons (otherwise known as inflated condoms).  It's said that this tradition was started by prostitutes praying to be saved from sexually transmitted diseases during the 17th century.  But some people believe that the tradition is even older.  There is a legend of a sharp-toothed demon that hid inside the vagina of a young woman.  On her wedding night, the demon castrated two young men - why two men had access to this woman's vagina on her wedding night is one of those mysteries that I'm sure got lost in translation lo these many generations since.  The point is, the woman wanted to avoid castrating anyone else and asked a blacksmith to make her a steel phallus to break the demon's teeth.  I guess having a toothless demon living inside her vagina wasn't much of an issue for horny Japanese men.

The daughters of President Lyndon B. Johnson have said that they believe their father would have been a supporter of gay marriage.  "I think my father felt very strongly that when there was bigotry anywhere, prejudice anywhere, all of us lose out," said Luci Baines Johnson.  Both girls are supporters of marriage equality.  Lynda Bird said, "I certainly think that, if God made you a homosexual, that you should have love and affection with somebody.  And I would not want to deny anybody that opportunity to be happy."

Even a staunchly Catholic nation has made a move in favor of gay marriage.   Although same-sex marriage is not legal in Italy, a court in the city of Grosseto (which is a pit, I'm sorry to say) has ordered that the town must recognize a gay marriage that happened in the US.  And with the strike of a pen, Italy takes its first step towards marriage equality.  The couple, Stefano Bucci (57) and Stefano Chigiotti (68) got married in NYC in 2012.  When they returned home, they sued Grosseto city hall after a clerk refused to transcribe the marriage into the register.  The court ruled there was no legal obstacle to recognize a gay marriage performed in a country where it is legal. 

How ironic that England, a place our forefathers left in search of religious freedom, just legalized gay marriage in one fell swoop while we're meandering along state by state.  Although to be fair, England is about the size of Louisiana.  Anyhoo, many celebrated Brits are talking about tying the knot.  Although they are already civil partners, Sir Elton and David Furnish say that they'll marry sometime in May.  Even Tom Daley could marry Dustin Lance Black.  But he really should wait two more years so he'll be able to legally drink on their honeymoon.

Tom Ford was in London for the launch of the Apple store while all this gay marriage news was being discussed and decided it was the perfect opportunity to reveal that he married his partner of 27 years, Richard Buckley.  "I know that was just made legal in the UK which is great, but we were married in the States."  What many don't know is that the couple also has a child.  Alexander John Buckley Ford was born in September of 2012.  Congrats.

In some sad news (well, perhaps only sad to me), Richard Marx and Cynthia Rhodes are divorcing.  I've been invested in Richard Marx before any of you knew who he was (when I first discovered him, a friend of mine repeatedly referred to him as Karl Marx).  The couple met in 1983 when Marx was working on the music for the film Staying Alive; Cynthia was in the film as Travolta's love interest.  If it had been the other way around, maybe the movie would have gone somewhere - plus Travolta would have saved a fortune on "masseurs"!  Instead, Cynthia joined the band Animotion ("Obsession") and married Marx.  Now, after 25 years, they're breaking up.

Mark it in your date book - May 16th.  That's the day Barbara Walters will disappear from your TV screen.  Well, for years she hasn't shown up in mirrors, so it's just another step towards the hereafter.  When Babs first announced her retirement, she was adamant that this was it.  Now, well, she's not so sure.  As the 84 year old told Variety, "I don't want to say I will never come back.  If the president came on, depending on the circumstances, I might come back.  If Fidel Castro said I will do an interview with you, which he has not in 25 years, I would go and do it.  I'm not going off into the sunset."  She also revealed that she will keep her office at ABC News - just in case.  And you know what that means?  Elizabeth Vargas had better watch her back.

Walters was asked about the abrupt departures of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck last year.  Despite assertions to the contrary, we all knew Hasselbeck was dumped.  What about Joy?  Barbara was quick to point out that she doesn't call ALL the shots on the show.  "The network is also involved.  I think the feeling was if one went, both had to leave.  We needed to shake things up."  And speaking of shaking things up, Walters has another thought: "Sometimes we think we should add a man."  It would certainly add something to the show - like a penis (although Behar had bigger balls than most).  As I write this, Mario Cantone is lighting candles and saying novenas!

Jimmy Fallon recently did a tandem interview with the acting Evans brothers (as opposed to those hot rugby-playing Evans brothers).  Chris was the one actually being interviewed by Fallon, but Scott came out to play The Sibling-wed Game, a strangely titled spin on The Newlywed Game starring siblings - although I believe the shows are identical in certain counties in Alabama!  Despite the enjoyment of watching the brothers interact in a delightfully silly way (we'll post the entire clip on our website), I was struck by something unexpected.  In many ways, Scott is the cuter brother!  I know - I was shocked too!  It's a hard gig being the brother of Captain America....to say nothing of the Human Torch!  And I'm not even a leg man, but you really must check out Scott's thighs.  You can then compare them to those nude snaps we have of him on BillyMasters.com.

Believe it or not, Brooke Burke-Charvet once again managed to make news.  After her Maserati hit an embankment, what's the first thing she did?  Tweet, naturally.  "Rough morning.  Accident on my way to work.  Tons of cops and of course photos.  TMZ will have fun with this one.  Poor Mazeratti.  Yes I was sober".  Nonetheless, the police insisted on administering a field sobriety test - thank God there wasn't a spelling test!  An annoyed BBC begrudgingly took the test...and she passed.  If they really wanted to embarrass her with a test, they could have just pulled out her SAT scores!

When Brooke Burke-Charvet is capable of passing any test, it's definitely time to end yet another column.  Her Tweet does beg the question - what is this "job" of which she speaks?  From her outfit, it looks like perhaps she was coming from a job!  You can decide for yourself after checking out the photos at www.BillyMasters.com - the site that couldn't care less if you're sober.  Although I didn't answer a question in print, I do respond to each and every e-mail.  So feel free to write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before a demon hiding in a vagina bites off my penis (as if).  Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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Revised: April 14, 2014.