July 28, 2014
 
"The chances of it happening are very rare, but it can happen actually.  Which is crazy.  Not that it - the chances of it are, like you know, it's like probably 'pigs could fly'.  Like, I don't think pigs could fly, but actually sharks could be stuck in tornados.  There could be a sharknado." Tara Reid explains how Sharknado is, in fact, a cautionary tale.  Be afraid, America.

I know people who put enormous credence into someone's title.  If a person is a doctor, they know everything about health.  A lawyer?  Obviously that person knows everything about law.  A judge - the final word.  But not all doctors, lawyers, and judges are created equal.  We have examples of this every day - just last week, two courts simultaneously recognized that portions of Obamacare are legal and illegal.  And they made these decisions within two hours of each other!  So, it's no surprise to me that there are smart judges and....well, less smart judges.

Days after same-sex marriage was ruled as legal in Monroe County, Florida, a judge in Miami-Dade County also overturned the Florida ban on same-sex marriage.  Judge Sarah Zabel ordered the Miami-Dade County Clerk of Courts to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  "Preventing couples from marrying solely on the basis of their sexual orientation serves no governmental interest.  It serves only to hurt, to discriminate, to deprive same-sex couples and their families of equal dignity, to label and treat them as second-class citizens, and to deem them unworthy of participation in one of our fundamental institutions of our society."  Here, here.

Then there's Colorado.  Both federal and state judges have declared that Colorado's ban on gay marriage (which also was decided by popular vote) is unconstitutional.  Despite the efforts of Attorney General John Suthers, the Boulder County clerk is issuing licenses to same-sex couples.  Suthers has the opportunity to appeal the ruling, but that's unlikely to make much difference.  The 10th US Court of Appeals is the same court that found Utah's ban on same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional back in June.  The times they are a-changin'.

There's a legal situation between John Travolta and his ex-lover/pilot, Doug Gotterba.  Doug had announced plans to write a tell-all memoir.  He was then reminded (by a lawyer) that he had signed a confidentiality agreement with Travolta.  Or did he?  According to Gotterba, there was a draft of a confidentiality agreement that he saw and initialed, but the final draft was never signed nor was it filed with the court.  Apparently, a California Appeals Court judge has ruled in his favor - or at least, has allowed that his challenge to the supposed agreement may proceed to trial.  I imagine Doug can tell quite a few tales (or tails)!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, a federal appeals court judge bemoaned the latest botched execution.  In a strongly worded statement, Chief Judge Alex Kozinski said that lethal injections are "a misguided effort to mask the brutality of executions by making them look serene and beautiful....I've always thought executions should be executions, not medical procedures."  What does he recommend?  A more "foolproof" method of execution.  "The firing squad strikes me as the most promising.  Eight or ten large-caliber rifle bullets fired at close range can inflict massive damage, causing instant death every time.  There are plenty of people employed by the state who can pull the trigger and have the training to aim true."  When pressed for another alternative, he said: "The guillotine is probably best, but seems inconsistent with our national ethos."  Ya think?

Elsewhere in San Francisco, two gay porn giants have joined forces.  The founder of Hot House Entertainment, Steve Scarborough, has announced that he will retire from the industry.  To ensure that his legacy will continue, Hot House will be acquired by Falcon Studios, or, rather, Falcon/Raging Stallion Studios.  This announcement was made by Chris Ward, head of Falcon/Raging Stallions.  As Steve said, "Because I came from Falcon and because Chris came from Hot House, I feel this deal is a perfect fit."  Eventually, all gay porn studios will be owned by Falcon.  Or Chi Chi La Rue.  Or John Rutherford.

Sometimes it's best to bow out instead of trying to continue a legacy.  That seems to be the case over at CNN.  Head of the network, Jeff Zucker, claims that he has no plans to replace Larry King Live (or, for that matter, Piers Morgan Tonight).  "We believe that genre is no longer viable.  There are just too many outlets with not enough big gets for a pure talk show to thrive any longer."  What we can look forward to is CNN specials from Lisa Ling, John Walsh, and our very own Mike Rowe.

Everyone is in a tizzy about the Russians shooting down that Malaysian plane - although, frankly, anyone getting on a Malaysia Airlines flight should know they're taking their lives in their own hands.  But I heard a unique spin on the subject from my pal, Greg Louganis.  The world-famous Olympic diving champion has a theory he'd like to share:  "Once I learned 108 of the passengers on the flight were on their way to the World AIDS Conference I can't help thinking, there are no mistakes.  I was in Moscow for the LGBT Russian Open Games and felt the disdain and disgust, I know it will never be proven but, and I don't like to put my energy into 'conspiracy theories', but I also got an e-mail from the producers of the documentary To Russia with Love; and they felt the same.  My heart goes out to ALL the passengers but I doubt it was an accident."

Speaking of Olympic divers, sexy Tom Daley was named one of Attitude magazine's "HOT 100" - kinda like the "Out 100" but with an accent and more foreskin.  Tom was even honored with yet another Attitude cover - this time shirtless but in jeans.  Says Daley: "I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who voted for me in Attitude's HOT 100 - it means the world."  Does it?  The whole world?

When I've stayed at a dear friend's pied-à-terre in Manhattan, I'd often share an elevator with Christopher Meloni.  Usually he'd be en route to walk one of his dogs.  This week, he posted the nicest photo of the dog standing betwixt his legs, with the caption "I will stare at your genitalia until u feed me".  Someone put that on a poster, stat!  I'll post it (bulge and all) on BillyMasters.com.

Since I'm in Florida this week, I occasionally feel inadequate whilst walking along Miami Beach and seeing the people with better bodies strutting their stuff.  And then I saw someone, not exactly strutting.  He was, in fact, sitting and stuffing his face.  And he was sporting that Pebbles Flintstone hairdo which was certainly a hair-don't.  I was more shocked when I realized that the gent in question was Leonardo DiCaprio.  Methinks he's been eating too much gelato when visiting his Veronese penthouse, which is kitty-corner to my plush but not overly ostentatious palazzo.  So if you've ever wondered how chunky Leo can get between flicks, do check out our website.

Soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo posted a selfie of his post-World Cup beauty regimen.  It appears to include some sort of a mud mask - at least I hope it's mud.  You can scratch and sniff all you want at our website.

If this season of Dancing with the Stars taught us anything, it was that Cody Simpson is not a star - at least not here in the United States.  But, dagnabbit, he's trying.  Last month, he posted a photo of himself standing completely naked on his balcony.  He was photographed from behind - almost like he was waiting for me to show up.  And while I missed that golden opportunity, you don't have to.  You can find him at BillyMasters.com.

Sticking with exposed derrières, our Ask Billy question comes from Keith in Baltimore: "I don't know if you're a Monty Python fan, but in their final shows last week they sang 'Every Sperm is Sacred' and featured a really hot naked guy.  We only saw his ass, but what an ass it was!  Any idea who he was?  Can you at least find a photo?"

I consider myself a somewhat casual Python fan, and I did indeed see Monty Python Live (Mostly).  It was hard to miss the hot guy in question, who I believe is the same guy who did some of the other solo bits.  While I don't know his name, I can go one better than post his photo - I can post the whole sketch on BillyMasters.com.

When two bare bottoms are better than one, we've certainly reached the end of yet another column.  I'll soon be trading one beachside resort for another.  By this time next week, I'll be at the Filth2Go Beach House in Provincetown - hobnobbing with Liza Minnelli, Alan Cumming, Carol Channing, Tommy Tune, Marilyn Maye, and Lord knows who else.  In short, I plan to only spend time with people who will make me look young!  Photos of this and all other celebrity exploits can be found on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that always keeps things above board.  If you've got a question for me to tackle, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before San Francisco gets a guillotine - along with a sit-down company of Les Misérables.  Until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.

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Revised: July 28, 2014.