“’I’ve been getting in shape for tonight with the Jussie Smollett workout.  You hire two
trainers and sweat for eight weeks.  It wipes out all your belly fat…and credibility.”   
– Sean Hayes begins his acceptance speech at the GLAAD Awards.

With the stroke of a pen, Jussie Smollett’s troubles came to an end – at least legally.  All 16 criminal charges against him were dropped.  But that doesn’t mean he isn’t guilty – according to the guy who dropped the charges!  Joseph Magats, First Assistant Cook County State’s Attorney, says, “I do not believe he is innocent.  We stand behind the Chicago Police Department’s investigation and our decision to approve charges in this case.  We did not exonerate Mr. Smollett.  The charges were dropped in return for Mr. Smollett’s agreement to do community service and forfeit his $10,000 bond to the City of Chicago.  Without the completion of these terms, the charges would not have been dropped.  This outcome was met under the same criteria that would occur for and is available to any defendant with similar circumstances.”  Except, of course, the court records were sealed – something which likely would not have happened to “any defendant” unless their “similar circumstances” were deep pockets, celebrity, and lawyer Mark Geragos.  This may not have been a “plea deal”, but make no mistake – it was most certainly a deal.

Ironically, it’s not even a deal anyone is happy about.  Let’s start with the City of Chicago, which has sent a letter to Smollett’s attorney along with a bill for $130,000 to cover the costs of the investigation.  The letter implies prosecution should the bill be ignored.  The letter was initiated by Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson.  The next person unhappy with the deal may surprise you – Smollett himself!  His lawyer released a statement: “It is the Mayor and the Police Chief who owe Jussie an apology for dragging an innocent man’s character through the mud.  Jussie has paid enough.”  In fact, he believes he paid more than enough.  Smollett’s attorney has indicated that he’s considering suing the City of Chicago.  So, he’s lucky and stupid!  But you know the biggest surprise?  Donald The Art of the Deal Trump is unhappy with the deal Jussie got!  “FBI & DOJ to review the outrageous Jussie Smollett case in Chicago.  It is an embarrassment to our Nation.”  Do you realize how fucked you are when Donald Trump considers you an embarrassment?  Sadly, it’s also the first thing Trump has been right about.

I know what you’re all thinking – what about those hot Nigerian brothers?  Jussie’s lawyer reiterated that he paid them for “nutrition and physical training”.  As to what happens to them, I’m guessing nothing.  They cooperated with the authorities and provided them with the evidence in that sealed case file.  So while they are free, my hunch is you won’t see them hanging around the set of Empire.  But I have two words of advice for them – gay porn.