I was criticized harshly over my coverage of Natalee Holloway’s disappearance.  I said it then, and I’ll say it now – girl on a class trip goes off in the middle of the night for a stroll on a deserted beach with a little Dutch boy.  Sounds to me like a recipe for disaster – or some very good Danish pastry!  Anyway, Joran van der Sloot has confessed to the murder, and recounted how it happened.  Not to get graphic, but Natalee showed some gumption with her final breath and kneed him in the crotch.  If you’re going out, I say go out swinging.  I know many of my readers have a hankering for Joran.  He will potentially be ready for parole in 2043.  But I don’t expect the ensuing 20 years will be kind to him.  Natalee’s mom, Beth Holloway, said it best.  “You look like hell, Joran.  I don’t see how you’re going to make it.”  He clearly doesn’t read this column.  Joran – moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.

Just because we’re not talking about Jussie Smollett, doesn’t mean there’s nothing to say.  He’s been in and out of Chicago courtrooms trying to get an appeal and/or overturn his hoax hate crime verdict.  Jussie – give it up.  It won’t change anyone’s mind.  The people who believed you set it up will still believe that.  And those who support you will stay by your side.  Of course, they could have a meeting in a two-seater…and still have room to pick up a hitchhiker, but that’s another story.  Just to hedge his bets, Jussie checked himself into rehab while the jury deliberates.  It’s all about the optics, baby.

Cher recently did a few interviews about having two records drop in short succession.  This quote amused me: “My life seems to be longer than any other human being ever.  I feel like I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for this.  And I’m still going!  My great-aunts were 101 and 104.  I never thought about getting this old and still having a job.”  And, “I remember I had a conversation with Barbra Streisand once on a telethon we were doing.  She leaned over and said, ‘Cher, why are you still doing this?’  And I said, ‘Because there’s going to come a day where I can’t do it.’”  And I don’t want to have thought that I could have done my art longer, and chose not to.”

So much to unpack here – starting with Barbra and Cher doing a telethon together.  Were they answering phones?  “Hello, this is Cher…yes, that Cher!”  And you know Barbra wasn’t touching strange phones.  “I’ll coordinate”, is how I believe it went.  I definitely don’t remember either of them sitting down with Jerry’s Kids.  Plus, the Jerry Lewis Telethon was Maureen McGovern’s turf.  Turns out the telethon in question was Hand in Hand, which helped victims of Hurricane Harvey and Irma.  And there really is a photo of Cher and Babs – with Billy Crystal between them.  I found this amusing anecdote from the telethon in question.  A cameraman said that Barbra came up to him before the event and asked him to only shoot her from her good side.  He took a long look at her left profile, and then her right profile.  He then asked, “I’m sorry – which side would that be?”

From Madonna to “It’s Britney, bitch” (OMG, she even stole that).  Spears has a memoir coming out this week called The Woman in Me.  So everyone is waiting to see what Justin has to say.  I can’t confirm this, but I believe his first reaction was, “Bitch couldn’t even READ a book!”  Justin had good reason to be concerned.  Britney reveals that Timberlake got her pregnant, and insisted she have an abortion.  Why?  “Justin definitely wasn’t happy about the pregnancy.  He said we weren’t ready to have a baby in our lives, that we were way too young.”  He was probably right – they probably weren’t ready to have kids at 21.  Heck, I’m not sure who cleared either of them to have kids now.  I must have missed a meeting.  But imagine an alternate universe where they had a kid and got married (not necessarily in that order).  How much would have changed?  For instance, I seriously doubt we’d be calling the kid “Tater Tot Timberlake”.  Another revelation is she claims to have almost been cast in the film The Notebook.  Brit says it came down to her and Rachel McAdams to play opposite Ryan Gosling.  Again, picture an alternate universe with her having sex with Ryan Gosling – doggy style.  Finish up picturing it before moving on.

Let’s move onto that old woman.  Not Nancy Pelosi.  Not Elizabeth Warren.  I’m talking about Madonna – who, admittedly, looks good for her age…if you have the right filters and sit in the nosebleeds.  Otherwise, you know, she’s a 65-year-old pop star…but good for her.  The reviews from her long-awaited tour are generally good, and the audience is receptive – once the show actually starts.  But woe be unto you should you attend one of the many shows that start late.  At some UK venues, people missed the last few songs: “Rain”, “Celebration”, “Music”, “Bitch, I’m Madonna”, among others.  Why?  Officially, the technical pre-show check ran late and the venues have very strict ending times – whether the show is over or not.  Except people spied Madonna showing up at some venues long after the start time.  Her devoted fans are not surprised.  The Rebel Heart Tour routinely started almost two hours late, while the Madame X Tour was usually only 90 minutes late.  But give Madonna a break – it’s hard to find the stage wearing an eye patch!  Maybe now she’s just busy tuning her guitar!

Like many of you, I watched the opening night on TikTok.  I was particularly moved by her rendition of “Like a Virgin”.  But when she sang, “Touched for the very first time,” I wondered if she could remember that far back.  Perhaps she’s given up Kabbalah and has taken up Past Life Regression!  Personally, I didn’t mind seeing her kids.  But when did Madonna stop being the queen of reinvention and start copying others?  She’s no longer a trailblazer, pushing the limits – she’s a copycat, pushing a walker!  If you can’t lead, at least find a way to keep up.

I wholly identified with her story about the early poor days in NYC.  She’d go home with cute boys if it meant she could clean up.  “Blowjobs for showers,” is how Madge described it.  In my time (which, as we’ve established, was only slightly after Madonna’s time), the boys didn’t have to be so cute.  But I was known to pretend to fall asleep so I could get to spend the night in a bed.  Eh, I’ve never been so picky about where I slept.

Our last few stories were all Ask Billy questions.  Many, MANY of you have asked if I’ve seen the nude photo of President Joe Biden’s little brother Frank.  Not only have I seen him, but he ain’t so little!  The modern equivalent of Roger Clinton has a rockin’ body for his age and quite a sizeable appendage.  And, wait a minute – is that a semi I see?  With this impressive package, it’s no surprise that Frank copped to the cock shot.  The photo was private, and meant for his long-term lady friend Mindy.  Beyond that, his lips were sealed.  “I’ve absolutely no comment.  I couldn’t care less.  I haven’t even looked at it.  They must have hacked my phone.”  You can see it on BillyMasters.com with minimal effort…except, perhaps, a bit of lockjaw!

People all over the world have claimed to have had their hands on Hunter Biden’s laptop.  But if they saw the photos and videos we have, they’d work a bit harder to get their hands on his “laptop” – if you catch my drift.  This is the first time I’ve taken any interest in Hunter Biden.  But now, all that talk about drugs and hookers makes total sense.  Who knew that getting him off requires two feet?  As you’ll see on our website.

Our actual Ask Billy question this week comes from Chad in Miami: “I just saw some really hot photos of Zane Phillips in torn underwear.  What’s that all about?”

Here’s a question that…how shall we say, piqued our interest.  The lovely Zane Phillips indeed did a rather risqué pictorial in some rather battered briefs – with a most provocative tear in the back.  How can we say this delicately?  He’s sporting a gaping hole in the vicinity of his gaping hole.  And I’d be mighty happy to try and score a hole in one – and I don’t even play football!  What’s left of the briefs in question comes from Dsquared2.   What they know about Phillips’ proclivities is under wraps.  But the rest is on display at BillyMasters.com.

When someone has the good sense to uncover Zane’s bottom, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  As we went to press, we learned of the passing of Suzanne Somers.  She was always lovely to me – I usually saw her with her bestie, Barry Manilow.  All sorts of timely news can be found on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s willing to master whatever you’ve got between your thighs.  I think my next travel stop should be DC to track down Frank or Hunter.  While I’m Biden my time, you can drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I’m plugged in with a Biden (or plugging a Zane).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I never really cared about Jada Pinkett Smith – although I think she’s quite striking.  I also think she’s a lying sack of s*it.  Strike that – I know she’s a lying sack of s*it.  And you know who called her on it?  Hoda Kotb, of all people (well, she knows a liar when she’s talking to one).  Hoda said, “I feel like you’re a straight talker.”  Jada nodded.  “I am.”  Kotb hastened to add, “Except you’re not sometimes.”  And that, my darlings, is how it’s done.

We just heard that Madonna’s new shows will feature 3 songs never before sung on tour – which, if one is being completely accurate, probably refers to more than just 3 songs.  The concert is staged like a musical biography, including (and I quote) “spectacular acting and breathtaking choreography”.  This all sounds terribly exciting, but it does beg one very important question – who on Earth will play Madonna?

Didya know we have Dawn French to thank for the Absolutely Fabulous film?  She made a bet with her comedy partner, Jennifer Saunders, on a live BBC radio show.  Jennifer was procrastinating writing the film.  Dawn, tired of hearing these promises, said, “If you haven’t written it by this time next Christmas, you will owe me a hundred thousand pounds.  By this time next year, or you owe me a hundred grand.”  Bing, bang, boom – the script was written.  French has worked her magic again.  On the French & Saunders podcast Titting About, they recounted the old bet (which they say was for 10 grand – but you can hear the original on BillyMasters.com).  Jennifer now says, “I need to write a film or a series based on AbFab…I want to do something related.”  Dawn made Saunders promise to write “a serious first draft of a film related to AbFab by the 31^st of December.”  Jennifer then walked over to Dawn and shook hands.  French triumphantly exclaimed, “There’s a deal for a new AbFab product.”

I start with a sad story for gays around the world.  Worthie Paul Meacham, known to many as the larger-than-life drag queen Momma, passed away.  He was one of the most visible and active drag personalities in California, and was seen by a larger audience in film and television (including Will & Grace).  On a personal level, the two of us hosted LA Pride together for a record-setting 7 consecutive years.  Momma also had a charitable side, tirelessly volunteering for numerous organizations that serviced our LGBT community, including Project Angel Food (working alongside such folks as George Michael, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle).  During the pandemic, Worthie found himself in need of their services.  “I gave everything I could to an organization that is now there for me.  How lucky am I?  There is no shame in needing help.  I don’t believe in shame.”  When I wrote a profile on Worthie for the LA Blade in 2020, I asked his thoughts on how far our community has come.  He was mostly hopeful, but added this: “I just wish people would be kinder.  I wish people would be more understanding.  And, damn it, I wish people were having more fun.”  Rest in peace, Momma!

Speaking of Project Angel Food, one of their most fervent supporters is our friend, Sheryl Lee Ralph.  And what a few years Miss Ralph has been having – talk about “it gets better”.  You may recall we told you about a movie, The Fabulous Four.  It was about Bette Midler inviting her college pals to be bridesmaids at her wedding.  Those friends were supposed to be Susan Sarandon, Megan Mullally and Sissy Spacek – so obviously they all graduated during different decades!  Because of strike-related delays, Miss Spacek dropped out before filming resumed.  Who could possibly hold her own against these powerhouses?  Enter Miss Sheryl Lee Ralph!  Congrats.

Recently, a curious film began shooting in Budapest.  No, not a biopic about the Gabor sisters – but wouldn’t that be a great idea?  No, this is a biopic about Maria Callas – starring Angelina Jolie, naturally.  It depicts the last decade of the diva’s life, which includes her relationship with Aristotle Onassis, played by Turkish actor Haluk Bilginer.  Lemme get this straight – a movie about a couple of Greeks living in Paris being filmed in Hungary?  Makes sense to me.  Photos from the set have leaked, and Angie certainly has Callas’ eyeliner down to a T.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Victor in San Francisco: “I saw [Senator] Scott Wiener at Folsom and he is really hot.  Is he single?”

In case you don’t know, the 53-year-old Scott Wiener is an openly gay state senator from California.  He got lots of attention after he posted a recent photo from the Folsom Street Fair in a pair of tight jeans, a leather vest, and not much else.  And it’s true, he’s ABS-olutely ripped.  Many people online commented on his eight-pack (which you can see on BillyMasters.com).  From what I’ve gathered, he’s single.  So good luck, Victor!

This brings to mind Lukas Gage’s flick Down Low, in which he plays a massage therapist who gives Zachary Quinto a “handy” and then tries to facilitate his first full-on gay experience by hooking him up with someone on an app.  To say it all goes terribly wrong would be an understatement.  I’m not exactly sure how Audra McDonald and Judith Light fit in, but I found myself laughing at the trailer enough to be intrigued when it drops on October 10^th.  I warn you – it is possible that I also saw the best 2 minutes in the film.  So don’t come crying to me if it sucks.

Recently, Cher was in Paris promoting her line of gelato – yes, I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.  She also attended some of the Paris Fashion Week shows…with ex-boyfriend, Alexander Edwards.  You remember him – the 37-year-old producer who Cher said her whole family liked (unknown if that included her son Elijah Blue – who she allegedly had kidnapped from a NYC hotel room…see last week’s column).  Cher and Edwards were spotted cuddling at the Balmain and Givenchy shows.  The highlight of the trip was an appearance at Silencio, a Paris nightclub that was hosting the H&M and Rabanne party.  Cher popped up and sang “Believe”.  She then announced her upcoming Christmas collection – and sang along with the first single, “DJ Play a Christmas Song”.  She was in the DJ booth at the time.  Oh, that Cher – she’s so clever.  You can see that video on BillyMasters.com.

Remember Burlesque?  Cher’s film with Christina Aguilera?  Plans are afoot to turn the film (which was greeted with tepid enthusiasm) into a live stage musical.  Obviously, Cher ain’t gonna appear in the show – that would cut into her nap time.  But Christina is the executive producer, and it’s being shaped by the film’s director, Steve Antin.

I’m a winner, baby!  I’m leaving Vegas a couple hundred bucks ahead.   I’m also a few pounds heavier courtesy of Cinnabon but, nonetheless, a good time was had by all.  There’s something thrilling about seeing a friend’s name on a marquee.  It’s even more exciting when it’s a 30-foot-tall Varla Jean Merman looming over the Strip – alongside Barry Manilow at the Westgate.  Her fantastic show, Stand By Your Drag, is in the midst of a national tour, and is hysterical and, sadly, timely.  During these days when drag queens are being targeted, Varla brilliantly weaves humor with a message of solidarity and defiance.  It’s an uproarious romp that’s guaranteed to please.

Then it was off to Kathy Griffin at The Mirage.  The day before the event, the red-headed spitfire announced a $250 meet-and-greet – with 100% of the proceeds going to the American Cancer Society in conjunction with Making Strides Against Breast Cancer.  It sold out in a matter of minutes!  As to the show itself, Kathy delivered close to two hours of anecdotes from the past few years – and what a few years it’s been.  OK, the material was somewhat less celebrity-laden than usual, but that’s to be expected.  Since she is a gifted storyteller, even heavy topics were heavy on laughs – and that includes the lurid details of her suicide attempt by way of a giant vase and a swimming pool!  The last half hour was vintage Griffin, including a lengthy recounting of her Mexican vacation with Sia.  To add credence to the tale, Sia got up from the audience and sang a bit of “Chandelier” (which you can see on our website).  Also seated behind me were Rosie O’Donnell, Chris Colfer, Laraine Newman, and Julia Sweeney.

If you wanna see Kathy, consider booking passage on the upcoming Atlantis cruise from Los Angeles to Mexico on October 23^rd.  Just go to AtlantisEvents.com and tell ‘em Billy sent you.  Just a little tip – from me to you.

Could it be that Pauly Shore is poised for a comeback?  So hopes the comic, who has gotten tongues wagging after he announced his new idea – he’d like to play fitness guru Richard Simmons in a biopic!  He posted a photo of the two side-by-side and, son of a bitch, they really do look alike!  OK, the hair isn’t right, but I know a groomer in West Hollywood who did wonders with my friend’s poodle.  Pauly wrote, “I’ve noticed all the reactions to me playing Richard Simmons in a new biopic.  So I reached out to him.  I heard he’s living deep in Big Bear.  We’ve been play phone tag (yes, he still has a phone).”  Let me stop here for a second – if Richard Simmons is living in Big Bear, why the hell can’t he answer his phone?  It’s not like I think he’s at the local Walmart!  Continuing: “I’m trying to make it happen for you guys.  Be optimistic.  In the meantime, hit up Hulu, Amazon, Disney, HBO and all the big producers.  I definitely can morph into this guy.  I’ll see you at the Academy Awards 2025.”

When Pauly Shore could be up for an Oscar, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  I hate to burst his bubble, but films that debut on streaming services don’t typically qualify for an Academy Award.  But that’s the least of his problems!  This week, I’m in Las Vegas seeing Varla Jean Merman at the Westgate October 3-5 (I’ll be there the 5^th) and Kathy Griffin at the Mirage on October 6^th.  No matter where I am, I’m never too busy to update www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s a sure thing.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Cher sends some Nigerian bodybuilders to abduct me!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Speaking of shows, I’m thrilled to announce the return of Billy Masters LIVE.  You know, I got busy.  And then I got Charles Busch’s new memoir – Leading Lady: A Memoir of a Most Unusual Boy.  While I was reading it, I heard that the film he shot during the pandemic, The Sixth Reel, was getting a limited theatrical release.  So, why not celebrate the Divine Charles, alongside some of his most notorious collaborators?  In addition to Charles, we’ll have his frequent muse and co-star (including in the film), Julie Halston, and his frequent director (including of the film), Carl Andress.  This special episode will take place on Monday, October 2^nd at 4PM Eastern, so grab a cocktail and watch us live.  Or replay at your leisure on Facebook, YouTube, or at BillyMasters.tv.

The one person I don’t expect to see in the courtroom is Cher.  She’s releasing a holiday collection on October 20^th – so she’ll be busy.  The collection features a number of duets, including one with her good friend (and former backup singer) Darlene Love – they’ll sing “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”.  Other partners include Cyndi Lauper, Michael Bublé, Stevie Wonder, and Tyga.  As Cher said, “It’s not your mother’s Christmas album.  It’s a Cher Christmas album, whatever that brings along with the new.  It’s definitely my idea of a Christmas album.  I had to do what I felt.  There’s no ‘Silent Night’.”  We can only hope there’s an “O Holy Night” – for Paul Shaffer.

Not to be outdone, Barbra Streisand will be releasing TWO collections of music on October 27^th.  One is called Evergreens: Celebrating Six Decades on Columbia Records – and it will include Streisand’s favorite songs from her extensive catalogue (in many cases, album cuts instead of singles).  The second will be Yentl: 40^th Anniversary Edition, which is a 2-disc set which includes demos and alternate takes.  These are just the opening acts for Babs’ autobio, which drops on November 7^th.  If I were a betting man, I’d expect absolutely nothing juicy in the book.

Continuing our theme of “singers” (and I am using that term loosely), we turn to Britney Spears.  Look, I’ve never been a Britney basher.  She’s fun, she’s kicky, she’s kooky, she’s krazy.  But unless she’s auditioning to become a chef at Bisuteki, I don’t understand the dance of the seven knives.  OK, there were only two knives – but what do you think the chances are that one of those dogs is no longer with us?  And why in that outfit?  Unless she’s also auditioning for Hooters.  Spears was quick to allay our fears: “I started playing in the kitchen with knives today.  Don’t worry they are NOT real knives !!!  Halloween is soon.”  The question remains – Why?

I don’t know what to make of this story about Cher, so prepare yourself for a healthy dose of “allegedlies”.  One rarely hears about Cher’s son, Elijah Blue (and you thought crazy names started with Apple).  Elijah has allegedly had a troubled relationship with his mom for decades.  In 2013, he eloped with Marie Angela King – known to her friends as Queenie.  Elijah claims Cher never acknowledged the union.  What did he hear from her?  “Crickets,” says Elijah.  “I wasn’t going to wait for anyone’s approval and congratulations just like I’ve never waited for any of that my whole life.”  More pressing is that Elijah has had a drug problem for decades.  Well, he is an Allman.  He’s admitted to starting to take drugs at 11 and has been addicted to numerous substances, including heroin.

Although Elijah filed for divorce from Queenie in 2021, the couple’s on-again/off-again relationship continued.  Queenie claims that on November 30, 2022, they were in a hotel room in NYC celebrating their anniversary when four men burst in to abduct Elijah – I hate when that happens.  Queenie claims one of the abductors told her they were hired by Cher!  This is sounding a whole lot like Jussie Smollett and those Nigerian bodybuilders – or maybe I just want to be alone in a hotel room with two Nigerian bodybuilders.  Queenie filed court papers on December 5, 2022, stating, “I am currently unaware of my husband’s wellbeing or whereabouts…I was told by one of the four men who took him that they were hired by [Elijah’s] mother.”  She adds that Elijah is “currently in lockdown at a treatment facility that is undisclosed to me.”  So, why is this story only going public a year later?  It was part of the couple’s divorce case, and the next court date is October 27^th.  Presumably, both Elijah and Queenie will be there.

Could it be there’s a new Catfish on the web?  So say people who have been following the drama between Samuel DuPont Moore and William Berger – two allegedly wealthy men with bulges as big as their bank accounts (both have 9 figures).  For months, drama has unfolded on Facebook about these hunks falling in love, getting married, getting cheated on, getting served separation papers…it’s been like a telenovela for very white people.  Along the way, we’ve met such characters as Winthrop DuPont Moore, Sally Rockefeller DuPont, Christopher Getty, Nan Fullerton, Alta Louise Moore, Clark Todhunter, and, most outlandish, Isla DuPont Niarchos Quandt and Grafton Lodge de Peyster.  If you’ve been in contact with anyone by these names – run!  Still, it’s been fun to watch, and the photos are extraordinarily hot – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m unmasking fraudsters, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  I’m like that Nev guy – but less hairy!  If you like your hunks unmasked and undressed, then head on over to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that gets to the bottom of things.  Of course, we’re not opposed to the occasional top.  Feel free to send whatever you’d like to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I toss Big Mama Masters onto a Slip ‘N Slide!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

If Florida felt a little nippy last week, there’s a reason.  No, hell hadn’t frozen over.  But the cast of Beverly Hills, 90210 reunited at 90s Con in Tampa.  Yes, Gabrielle Carteris, Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, Brian Austin Green, Jason Priestley, Tori Spelling, and Ian Ziering all shared the stage.  In fact, Shannen and Tori were huddled together on their own loveseat.  Tori had the quote of the night when asked about the dolls based on their characters.  “I LOVED that doll.  I finally had a perfect nose!”  Watch the entire panel on BillyMasters.com.

Congratulations go out to Vanna White, who really stuck it to the man.  I suppose that man is Ryan Seacrest, and he’s no stranger to getting stuck.  Vanna, as you may know, has been in contract negotiations to not only continue on Wheel of Fortune for Pat Sajak’s final season, but to also continue with Ryan.  In the midst of those negotiations, it was revealed that she was earning exponentially less pay than Sajak.  On the other hands, she only turns the letters…correction, she taps panels which illuminate the letters.  Anyway, Vanna signed a new deal which will keep her in place for four more years – with a hefty raise.  “I love Vanna White.  I’ve known Vanna for a long time…And I hope for nothing more than to be able to walk out on that stage and host with her,” said Ryan.  And you know what they say – become partners with the right person, and you’ll double your wardrobe!

I once spent a sweaty evening in a yoga studio with Russell Brand.  Since I signed an NDA, the most I can say is that he opened up at least two of my chakras.  But I hasten to add that it was all consensual – which is different from what four women are saying happened between 2006-2013.  They have come forward as part of the UK’s Channel 4 show Dispatches (part of a joint investigation with The Sunday Times and The Times).  The accusers are not pressing legal charges…yet.  The first one claims Brand raped her against the wall of a building.  She went to a rape crisis center and sent Brand a text message saying, “When a girl say NO it means no.”  His response?  “very sorry.”  A second gal claims she was emotionally and sexually assaulted during their three-month relationship – and adds that Russell once “forced his penis down her throat”.  A third says Brand sexually assaulted her when they were working together, and he threatened her with legal action.  The fourth woman doesn’t go into specific details.  Media sources have unearthed interviews from other women about Russell – such as Katy Perry calling him “very controlling” and Dannii Minogue saying, “He is completely crazy and a bit of a vile predator”.

Brand then went public with a statement of his own.  “These allegations pertain to the time when I was working in the mainstream, when I was in the newspapers all the time, when I was in the movies, and as I’ve written about extensively in my books, I was very, very promiscuous.  Now during that time of promiscuity, the relationships I had were absolutely always consensual.  I was always transparent about that then – almost too transparent – and I’m being transparent about it now as well.”  Intriguingly, while the show was airing on Channel 4, Brand was performing to a sold-out audience in London.  The next day, networks scrubbed all footage of Russell off their servers, and YouTube (where Russell makes roughly a million dollars a year) stopped monetizing his videos.  It isn’t all bad news – Channel 4 got a flurry of complaints from viewers who felt the show was “unfair”.  Stay tuned.

A blindfold would have come in handy for either Lauren Boebert or her date.  My God, I haven’t seen anyone so handsy at a musical since I went to see Moulin Rouge with an ex!  Something about elephants made him hot…thank goodness!  We’ve all seen Lauren and her beau vaping and feeling each other up during a matinee of Beetlejuice – not the most erotic musical I’ve ever seen!  After denying the episode even took place, she was shown a video.  She not only copped to the behavior (which included her date copping a feel), but admitted that her date is a Democrat.  “I learned to check party affiliation before you go on a date”.  Mind you, this was their first date and he got to third base.  If he had taken her to Denny’s, he could have gotten a grand slam!  Not only is her date a Democrat, he owns a gay bar!!!  Not so much a gay bar as a gay-friendly bar.  The Hooch Craft Cocktail Bar in Aspen hosted a drag show during Aspen Gay Ski Week.  To paraphrase Chris Rock, hooch go with hoochie!

As if things weren’t bad enough for Danny Masterson, his wife Bijou Phillips has filed for divorce.  Bijou is the half-sister of Mackenzie Phillips, who claims to have had what she termed as a “consensual incestuous affair” with her father.  Do you know how bad it has to be when someone in that family divorces you?  On the other hand, being single in prison has its advantages.

Speaking of daytime talk shows, everyone’s in a tizzy because Drew Barrymore is being picketed by SAG and WGA, but The View isn’t.  Let me explain the difference.  ABC puts The View under the purview of both the news and entertainment divisions.  As such, they are not performers, but personalities (like news anchors, for instance).  Secondly, while The View employs writers, none have been used since the strike.  All the cohosts are doing their own writing – vs. The Drew Barrymore Show which, I am told, has employed (dare I say) “scabs”.  Still, the buck stops with Barrymore, who defended returning to work by stating, “I own this choice.”  By the by, let’s nip this bit in the bud – yes, Sherri Shepherd and Bill Maher are poised to also return to the airwaves.  Since they are both comedians, they will be writing their own material.

Getting back to Drew, her people have been taking things to the next level.  While picketing in front of her studio, the WGA is handing out buttons and other literature.  Last week, two members of the audience were asked to leave before the taping began.  Why?  Because they were wearing the WGA pins!  They offered to remove the offending accessories, but they were already tagged for ousting.  What did the ejected audience members do?  They joined the picket line!  This is like the best story I’ve heard all week!  In fact, one of the people said, “It has changed my perspective on her and the show in general.  I’ve been completely alarmed and disheartened by this whole process.”  YES!

It only got worse for Drew.  She was abruptly dropped as host of an awards show in light of all the negative press.  And those awards were being given out by the National Book Foundation!  Oh, the indignity – to be dropped by books!  Imagine how much more insulting it would be if she read!  Drew released a video, tearfully defending herself.  This prompted Bradley Whitford to say, “Drew Barrymore would like you to know that undermining union solidarity at the most crucial moment in Hollywood labor history makes her the victim.  This has been, like, a super tough week for her.”  Enter Rosie O’Donnell, telling it like it is: “Stop taping the show.  Stop asking audiences to cross the picket line.  Then ask someone to help you craft three declarative sentences.  They should follow along these lines: I made an error.  I apologize to the WGA for disrespecting the work of professional writers.  I apologize to all union members who are withstanding real hardship as I live a life of luxury.”

And just like that…Drew broke.  “I have listened to everyone, and I am making the decision to pause the show’s premiere until after the strike is over.  I have no words to express my deepest apologies to anyone I have hurt and, of course, to our incredible team who works on the show and has made it what it is today.  We really tried to find our way forward.  And I truly hope for a resolution for the entire industry soon.”  OK, four sentences.

When Drew has no words and the Jackmans have no further statement, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  I’d like to share a few words on the passing of actor Billy Miller.  He was adorable and the perfect combination of silly and sexy.  Of course, that same combination can also be found on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that lets the pictures (and videos) do the talking.  If you simply must hear from me directly, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I actually am served a Krispy Kreme!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I am very interested in the upcoming wedding of Antoni Porowski and…well, some other hot guy who doesn’t wear a shirt.  Reportedly, the sexy Queer Eye had a bachelor party and only invited one of his co-hosts.  Daytime talk host Karamo Brown told Andy Cohen that Tan France was the only Queer to make the cut.  Brown was philosophical about the snub.  “When it comes to events like that, family things, weddings, it costs money, so I don’t take offense to it.”  He is hopeful that all the Queer Eyes would be invited to the wedding.  “But if we were not, I would be OK.”

Then there’s that Jonas divorce.  No, not Nick.  This is Joe – the one who looks like he’s undressing everyone with his eyes (not that I’m complaining).  He’s divorcing Sophie Turner, although I’ve noted that he’s still sporting some jewelry on his so-called ring finger.  Who knows – maybe he dug out that old purity ring.  Once again, we have a couple claiming that the split is amicable – although I dunno how “amicable” it is when there is alleged Ringcam footage!  Where, oh where, are those non-amicable splits?  When the wife would call her ex a piece of shit?  Or the husband would call the wife a cheating whore?  Ah, the good ol’ days.

I’m not particularly interested in Robin Roberts’ marriage.  Naturally, we wish them well.  I was nonetheless amused to hear that former co-hosts Amy Robach and TJ Holmes were not invited to the nuptials – especially since Robin and Amy always purported to be very close.  One insider claims, “Amy is furious about it.  She and Robin were far more than work colleagues, they shared a deep friendship.”  Not so deep, apparently.

Every once in a while, I get a hankering – and, if there’s one thing you know about me, my hankerings must be hankered.  I was driving by an illuminated Krispy Kreme sign on US1 in Fort Lauderdale and decided to treat myself to a hot, original glazed donut.  Just one – I do have some self-control.  The voice in the speaker asked if I’d like another for half-price.  No thank you, said I.  When I got to the window, a woman approached me at a glacial pace – in fact, she had glacial proportions, but that’s probably an occupational hazard.  I produced a $20 bill, and she backed away offended.  “Smaller?” she asked.  No – that’s all I had.  She then peered at it and complained that it had a tear (it did in fact have a half-inch tear).  She shook her head.  I asked to speak to a manager.  She slammed the window and walked away – with my donut!  I probably didn’t need it anyway, but still felt deeply offended.

I arrived home to find an e-mail from Art in Seattle waiting for me – and you know it’s serious if I’m addressing an Ask Billy question so early in a column.  “I’m sure you may have legal reasons for not publishing anything of a factual nature about Hugh Jackman, but it seems the gossip has existed for most of his career.  Now that he’s separating, will the real Hugh come out (so to speak)?  Or is there another party involved?”

In case you missed it, here is the statement issued by The Jackmans: “We have been blessed to have almost 3 decades together as husband and wife in a wonderful, loving marriage.  Our journey now is shifting and we have decided to separate to pursue our individual growth.  Our family has been and always will be our highest priority.  We undertake this next chapter with gratitude, love and kindness.  We greatly appreciate your understanding in respecting our privacy as our family navigates this transition in all of our lives.”  That’s a statement which says virtually nothing.  I haven’t heard such an abundance of nothing since that non-coming-out speech Jodie Foster made at the 2013 Golden Globes.  The Jackmans added, “This is the sole statement either of us will make.”  That goes on the assumption that they actually said anything.

Since they’re not saying anything, allow me to add my two cents (which would have come in handy at Krispy Kreme).  I’ve spent some time with Hugh and Deb, and I’ve not seen a couple more devoted to each other – if not in a hot, romantic way, then certainly as dear, loving friends.  She’s a “handsome” woman – more a Camilla than a Diana, if you catch my drift.  More likely to muck out the stalls than play polo.  And, obviously, gay rumors are de rigueur when you are as good-looking and genial as Jackman.  The couple always made light of the whispers, while firmly denying them.  “If he was gay, fine, he would say he’s gay,” said Deb a few years back.  She added that if Hugh were gay, “He’d be dating Brad Pitt or whatever…not that Brad’s gay.”  See, Deb, this is how rumors get started!  Why make this non-statement now?  There are two possibilities: 1) A story is about to break or B) There’s another person involved.  OK, Brad, the ball’s in your court.

Russell Tovey is reportedly living through a rerun of his own with a second broken engagement to Steve Brockman.  The dashing twosome started dating in 2016.  A year later, they were engaged.  In 2018, they broke up.  A year after that, they were back together – and a second engagement quickly followed.  Last week, Tovey posted a photo on Instagram with his dog, Rocky, and the caption stated, “It’s just you and me kid.” 

In happier romantic news, Ty Herndon is a married man.  “Never in a million years would I have imagined meeting someone who would bring so much love and light into my heart,” Ty wrote of Alex Schwartz in announcing their engagement back in February.  Friends close to the couple say that they met about a year ago.  The wedding took place in Tennessee, which I’m sure is against some law.  Spotted celebrating with the couple were newlyweds Kristin Chenoweth and Josh Bryant.

We have time for a quick Ask Billy query.  Gary in Dallas asks, “What do you know about David Corenswet, who will be playing Superman?”

The 29-year-old Corenswet seems to be both sexy and smart.  Long before the role was even available, he put himself out there.  “My pie-in-the-sky ambition is definitely to play Superman…I love the Henry Cavill dark and gritty take, but I would love to see the next one be very bright and optimistic.”  Like Christopher Reeve before him, Corenswet is a Juilliard-trained actor.  And like Reeve, he’s played gay a few times.  He was Ben Platt’s boyfriend in The Politician, and dabbled with men for money in Ryan Murphy’s Hollywood.  But his real-life romantic life is shrouded in secrecy…with one exception – he loves dogs!  As to how he’ll fill out the Superman costume, no secret there.  We’re told he’s buffing up and seems to have the right stuff, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re stealing a glimpse of the future Man of Steel, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  You don’t have to beg, steal, or borrow to check out my goods.  Just go to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s never a burden.  If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Tovey and Corenswet go dog shopping together.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Is The Tonight Show a “toxic workplace”?  That’s what 2 current and 14 former staffers allege in a Rolling Stone article.  Jimmy Fallon is portrayed as often drunk or hungover, and erratic – a claim bolstered by the fact that there have been 9 showrunners in as many years.  Things are allegedly different under Chris Miller – for however long he lasts.  The article cites an incident where Jimmy Fallon chastised a staffer holding cue cards.  Jerry Seinfeld was there and he allegedly told Fallon to apologize.  Seinfeld has since weighed in.  “I teased Jimmy about a flub, and we all had a fun laugh about how rarely Jimmy is thrown off.  It was not uncomfortable at all…Idiotic twisting of events.”  Fallon has since apologized to his staff, saying, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.  I never set out to create that type of atmosphere at the show…There are things I’ve done in the past that are embarrassing but I never mistreated anybody…I want this show to be fun, it should be inclusive for everybody, it should be funny, it should be the best show, the best people.”

If there’s a hero in the Danny Masterson trial, it’s Leah Remini.  When the so-called Church of Scientology ramped up efforts to get Masterson acquitted of numerous rape convictions, the actress exposed details of the campaign – including how the “church” engaged in “a conspiracy to cover up crimes of sexual violence”.  When Masterson was sentenced to 30 years in prison, Remini was in the courtroom.  She wasted no time in sharing her thoughts, Tweeting, “For over two decades, Danny Masterson avoided accountability for his crimes.  While Danny was the only one sentenced, his conviction and sentence are indictments against Scientology, its operatives, and its criminal leader, David Miscavige.”  BTW, the diminutive dictator’s wife Shelly is still MIA. 

A codicil to the Masterson saga came from Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.  When letters the couple wrote on behalf of Masterson went public (they all worked together on That ‘70s Show), they were lambasted for their perceived tone-deaf efforts.  Kutcher and Kunis said that they were asked to write the letters by Danny’s family, and they simply wanted to share their experiences about someone they’ve known for 25 years.  “We are aware of the pain that has been caused by the character letters we wrote on behalf of Danny Masterson,” said Kutcher.  “They were intended for the judge to read and not to undermine the testimony of the victims or re-traumatize them in any way.  We would never want to do that.  And we’re sorry if that has taken place,” added Kunis.  “We support victims.  We have done this historically through our work and will continue to do so in the future.”

Last week, Big Mama Masters had surgery.  Not one of those life-threatening surgeries that ends in a courtroom battle.  But a surgery nonetheless.  While 82 seems relatively spry, I couldn’t help but remember that we just passed the anniversary of Joan Rivers’ death at 81.  Anything can happen at any time.  All of my childhood friends have lost at least one parent – in most cases, both parents.  In that regard, I suppose I’m lucky – even though I know Big Mama will require more assistance in the coming months.  “I’m sorry to be such a burden,” she said just before going under the knife.  I assured her she wasn’t a burden.  An irritable annoyance, yes.  But no burden.

Speaking of irritable annoyances, Lea Michele closed Funny Girl on Broadway last week.  Don’t get me wrong – people say she was sensational, and who am I to dispute that?  After all, I haven’t seen her.  In an absolutely predictable coup de théâtre, Michele ended the run by doing exactly what Streisand did after her final performance – she sang “My Man”.  And thus, the carbon copy is complete – and can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

Tony winner J. Harrison Ghee has bowed out of Some Like It Hot for “at least 4-6 weeks” due to surgery.  The nature of this surgery has not been revealed, but JHG has said that it is “to address some issues that have arisen.”

Before I left New England, I zipped up to the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine to catch the US premiere of a play version of The Da Vinci Code.  I’m surely in the minority of people who never read the book or saw the movie.  But I’m delighted to say I not only followed the show, but I found it to be marvelously entertaining.  It’s well-written and fast-moving (save for a lengthy section in the plane – which clumsily gave us information necessary for events that happen thereafter).  I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a new play as much in quite some time.  I was completely astounded by the physical set.  It’s smart, slick, and looks like a million bucks.  The fact that it seems to be identical to the set used for the shuttered UK tour doesn’t take away from how great it is.  Enormous credit must go to the lead.  If you only know Michael Urie from Ugly Betty, you’re in for a treat.  I’ve seen him in Buyer & Cellar and Torch Song Trilogy, so I know he’s a theatrical animal.  But in the role Tom Hanks played in the film, Urie gives a galvanizing and nuanced performance which holds the whole show together with ease.  My pal Charles Shaughnessy plays Sir Leigh Teabing with aplomb and provides a good amount of sly humor in just the right places.  While I’m singling people out, I must note David T. Patterson, who not only is a very good actor, but who titillates with his magnificent body (unfortunate lashed back makeup notwithstanding).  It runs until September 23^rd, so check it out at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Powerhouse vocalist Adele is known as a showstopper.  And at a show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, she did that – literally.  During a rendition of “Water Under the Bridge”, she stopped singing and addressed the crowd.  “What is going on there with that young fan who’s been bothered so much since I came on for standing up?”  The fan in question raised his hand.  “What’s going on with him?  Yes, you, with your hand up.  Yes, you.  Why are you all bothering him?  Can you leave him alone, please?”  Security walked away.  Pleased with herself, Adele continued.  “They won’t bother you anymore, darling.  You enjoy the show.  Leave him alone.”  Before going back to the song, she added, “Sorry, guys.  He’s been bothered the whole show by security and other people sitting behind him.”  Well, I can’t blame the people sitting behind him – they probably couldn’t see a thing!  “He’s here to have fun.  All of you are here to have fun.”  Unless you’re sitting behind him – then you’re on your own!

Speaking of Las Vegas, we have some exciting news.  I’ve already told you that the vivacious Varla Jean Merman will be performing at the Westgate on October 3-5 (on the eve of Las Vegas Pride).  That same week, Vegas will welcome another luminary with her own residency.  The Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, will take to the stage of the Jubilee Theatre starting October 5^th.  Dita Las Vegas: A Jubilant Review will be staged at Horseshoe Las Vegas (previously Bally’s) – the former home of Fluff LeCoque.  The press release promises it will be “the most lavishly staged burlesque production ever, anywhere”.  That’s good enough for me to book a flight.

It’s been quite a year for Josh Seiter.  The former contender for the affections of a Bachelorette came out as bisexual, returned to stripping, and got a boyfriend.  He even announced plans to make adult films.  What would come next, you might ask?  Suicide – that’s what came next.  Last week, reports indicated that Seiter was dead at 36.  He had long expressed feelings of depression and other mental health issues.  So it wasn’t a complete surprise when his family went public with this post: “It is with an extremely heavy heart that we share the tragic news of Joshua’s unexpected passing.  As all who knew him can attest, Joshua was an incredibly bright light in an increasingly dim world.  His fearless voice and indomitable spirit helped thousands of people in their darkest moments feel just a little less alone.”  His family added information about 24/7 suicide prevention hotlines.

And three days later, like Jesus before him, he rose from the dead.  Turns out, his verified Instagram account had been hacked.  He posted a video – I suppose to really prove he was alive.  “Hey guys.  As you can see, I am alive and well.  My account was hacked.  For the last 24 hours, I’ve been trying desperately to get into it.   Somebody was playing a cruel joke and mocking my mental illness and the struggles I’ve gone through with depression and suicide attempts and I’m sorry for all the pain they caused when they made that post.”  But is that really the truth?  Josh’s ex, RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Monica Beverly Hillz, doesn’t believe any of it – and points to the gap of time between the death announcement and Josh’s rebuttal.  “He didn’t do shit, sat back, and got off on everybody freaking out.”  Of course, this doesn’t answer the question I’m sure most of you are asking: “Who?”

You can take the boy out of the beach, but you can’t take the beach out of the boy…and I’ve got enough sand in my crevices to prove it.  You didn’t think that a little ol’ hurricane was gonna stop me from spending Labor Day in Fort Lauderdale, did you?  I’ve risked life and limb for less.  However, prior to going down south, I had some unfinished business in Provincetown – namely, the last underwear party at Purgatory, which was made memorable by a couple who live in NYC and one of those Carolinas.  I left them with memories that will keep them warm all winter long.

There were also some last-minute shows.  I finally was able to see the legendary Edie at the Post Office Café and Cabaret.  My God – that gal’s got gams!  Her high kicks rival those of any Rockette – or Hugh Jackman.  If you close your eyes, you’d swear you were watching Miss Donna McKechnie!  Dance, Edie, Dance is a fast-paced romp through Edie’s story which will leave you breathless…and wanting more.  Catch her when you can.

The best way to close out a banner season in Provincetown is with the incomparable Marilyn Maye.  I have spent the past 15 years in Ptown with Auntie Marilyn – the last 13 of which she’s been performing there.  Prior to that, we’d be there on vacation.  One day, Maye said, “I want to do a show here” – and, poof, she did.  The 95-year-old chanteuse is the last of a…well, one can’t say “dying breed”, because they all died.  She’s the last of an extinct breed of band singers who could belt, croon, and hold you in the palm of your hand.  Her two weeks at the Ptown Art House (the last two weeks of the venue) were a veritable lovefest – a sold-out lovefest.  One would expect Maye to trot out all her hits, and she did.  But, remarkably, she also sang new material.  She’s a marvel, and if you get the chance to see her, rush.  If you need proof, you can see some clips of her in action at BillyMasters.com.

Not surprisingly, the Ask Billy question of Frank in Dallas is on topic: “What do you know about Mario Cantone’s sexy poet boyfriend on And Just Like That…?  He’s so dreamy – and Mario’s ass was hot, too!”

I’ll be sure to pass your fond wishes along to Mario.  As to his onscreen beau, that would be the very sexy 27-year-old Sebastiano Pigazzi.  He hails from Rome, although he was raised in the US.  This is not his first time playing gay – although some whisper he doesn’t play that way in real life.  Still, we can take a little time to enjoy the view.  He was previously seen playing a teen on HBO’s We Are Who We Are.   In fact, every inch of him has been seen on that series and…well, I have some bad news.  Let’s just say there was some padding in his AJLT uniform.  On the other hand, the nudes were after he had been in the water.  Shrinkage, y’know.  There are growers and there are showers and they’re all on BillyMasters.com.

When And Just Like That… is getting ready to spring a Skipper cameo on us, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  And just like that, Bob Barker died.  Well, not just like that.  At 99, it wasn’t particularly unexpected.  Still, we salute his long and storied career.  For your more animalistic urges, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is neither spayed nor neutered.  If you have a non-pet-related question, write to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before I hear the Almighty tell me to “come on down” – you don’t seriously think I’ll be going up, do you?  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“It exploded in my mouth.  I wasn’t expecting that.” 
– Nya on the And Just Like That… season finale, after she “ate the black one”. 
Oh, that Michael Patrick King – so clever.

During the season two finale of And Just Like That…, we finally got to see Kim Cattrall’s cameo.  More than we expected, less than anyone wanted (and by anyone, I mean the viewers, not the cast).  I found it interesting that in season one, none of the characters were talking to Samantha, and yet everyone was always talking about (or texting with) Samantha.  In between seasons one and two, they reconciled.  And we know this because in season two nobody ever talked about (or texted with) Samantha.  I decided to rewatch every episode of Sex and the City, the two movies, and season one of AJLT before watching season two.  And you know what?  None of it is as bad as I recalled.  It (almost) flows – aside from some glaring inconsistencies.  But while there were always many characters, mostly we only saw them through the eyes of the leads.  Why?  Because that’s all we needed to know.  In the current series, we have lots of information about lots of people we don’t know or care about – with the notable exception of Seema, who is fantastic and well integrated.  The others would be interesting characters in their own series.  It’s also clear that the criticism of SATC being too “white” led to every lead character suddenly having a best friend of color.  It’s so disingenuous, it’s not worth discussing.  AJLT was just picked up for a third season, so we can only speculate what direction it will go in.  But here’s to hoping we’ll never see Che again; LTW and hubby will move to DC; there will be an issue with Lisette’s buying the brownstone (due to the stain on the ceiling); and Nya and her chef open a restaurant that the group occasionally eat at.

After all these dramatic stories, I think it’s time for some good news.  And what’s better than celebrating two hot guys getting married?  Last week, comedian Matteo Lane tied the knot with his short-term beau, Rodrigo Aburto.  How short-term, you might ask?  Matteo started following Rodrigo on Instagram back in March.  They started texting shortly thereafter.  Rodrigo flew from Mexico to NYC for a visit at the end of April.  And just like that, they’re married.  That’s not a whirlwind – that’s a tornado!  While they certainly make a dashing couple, and I obviously wish them well, I think it might be a tad too soon to send them a gift.  Maybe for their anniversary.

People these days are very quick to toss around the term “stalker”.  If Cyrano de Bergerac were alive today, he’d be a stalker.  Correction, he’d be a stalker AND a catfish.  Think about it.  He’s writing the words and feeding them to a hot guy.  They plan a date and, poof, out comes Gérard Depardieu (or Peter Dinklage – depending on the version you’re watching)!  The point is, there was a time when people would pursue the object of their affection with flowers, or surprise them with candy, or sonnets.  It used to be called romantic.  Today it would be called a felony.

Some actual stalkers are in the news.  Anderson Cooper has a stalker.  Gerald Hurt turned up at Anderson’s home four times last year – well, that’s what happens when you live in a former firehouse easily found on any NYC map!  The first time, Gerry rang the bell and claimed he had “a package for Mr. Cooper” – I’ll bet he did!  Coop wasn’t home.  The second time, Coop answered the door and Hurt attempted to grab him…we just don’t know where.  The third time, Cooper’s ex, Benjamin Maisani, arrived at the house to find Hurt waiting by the door.  He gave Benji his name and phone number – which led to Anderson getting a restraining order.  At the fourth and final incident, Hurt ignored the restraining order and attempted to enter the home.  I know it’s usually three strikes and you’re out, but the gays aren’t big baseball fans.  Hurt will serve 30 days in prison for ignoring the restraining order.

Drew Barrymore has a stalker of her own, thank you very much.  She was being interviewed by singer Renée Rapp at the 92^nd Street Y in Manhattan.  In the middle of the show, a man rushed the stage and shouted, “Drew Barrymore!  I’m Chad Michael Busto.  You know who I am.  I need to see you at some point while you’re in New York.”  Security stopped Busto, and Rapp whisked Drew offstage.  When they returned to the stage, Drew joked to Rapp, “You are my Kevin Costner!”  Days later, Busto was seen in the Long Island neighborhood where he thought Drew lived.  He was reportedly “riding a bicycle up into private driveways and stating to area residents that he was looking for Drew Barrymore’s residence.”  The police detained him for questioning.  After he was let go, they changed their mind – there WAS just cause to charge him with stalking.  They canvassed the area with flyers, and he was arrested in a neighboring town the next day.  He’s been charged with stalking in the 4^th degree.

Staying on topic, our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in West Hollywood: “I think I saw the journalist from Red, White and Royal Blue in The Inheritance in LA.  Am I right?  He’s so sexy.”

Thank you!  I knew I knew him from somewhere.  I saw that production of The Inheritance at the Geffen Playhouse in Brentwood, since it starred my pals Bill Brochtrup and Tuc Watkins.  Juan Castano played Toby, one of the lead roles, and was really great.  As I previously mentioned, The Inheritance was written by Matthew López, who directed, Red, White and Royal Blue – so there’s your connection.  Since Gary made me do some research, Juan also played Zachary Quinto’s husband in I Am Michael, and was in the reboot of Tales of the City for Netflix – in which he donned some sexy leather gear.  Since Juan has played lots of gay roles, you’re probably wondering if he is.  “I would say that for the majority of my life I identified as straight,” he told a reporter.  “But as I got older I think my sexual preference has gotten more fluid.  I am, as my friends say, on the spectrum.”  In other words, he’s left his options open – and heaven knows what else!  Having seen him in the flesh, I can confirm that he has quite a nice body…and his privates ain’t so bad, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re inheriting a hot Latino, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  If you’re interested in seeing Taylor Zakhar Perez’s abs and ass, you might wanna check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always turns the other cheek.  As for your questions, send them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before my next moment of insertion.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“I went to an English boarding school, dear.
Trust me – you’re in good hands.” 
– The Prince’s response to his inexperienced Yank in Red, White and Royal Blue.

At long last, my impressions of Red, White and Royal Blue.  The Amazon Prime flick is based on the New York Times Best Selling novel of the same name.  Full disclosure – I have not read the book.  But one colleague described it as the Hallmark version of Paul Rudnick’s Playing the Palace – which I enjoyed very much.  Both owe a debt of gratitude to Political Animals, which starred Sebastian Stan as the gay son of a US President (also produced by Greg Berlanti).  The writing of this film is short on subtlety.  Calling the Prince of England “Your royal hardness” or “Little Lord Fuckleroy” might seem cute on paper, but is cringeworthy when spoken aloud.  It was directed by Matthew López, who wrote the award-winning play The Inheritance – and if that isn’t a downward career trajectory, I don’t know what is!  While there are the occasional good moments in his work, all of a sudden you get a shot of the Washington Monument or the Eiffel Tower after the sex scene – oooh, how clever!  In an interview, Matty made a point of saying how vital it was to get a shot of the prince’s face during the “moment of insertion” – yes, that’s the term he used.  I bet you won’t find something like that in a Candace Cameron Bure flick!

I don’t think it’s too early to announce the winner of the Worst Accent in a Made-for-TV Movie will be Uma Thurman as the Texas-born US President.  My God, it’s like a bus and truck tour of The Ann Richards Story!  That said, her character handles her son’s coming-out beautifully, if not believably.  You see, believability has nothing to do with movies in the Hallmark/Lifetime vein.  They are all hampered with a formula and a deliberate style of acting, which I really abhor.  This film is not helped by a soundtrack straight out of the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner cartoons!  And speaking of animals, has a dog ever appeared less excited when its master came home from an overseas trip?  The Prince’s pup did everything but yawn – which I assume will be in the outtakes!

Aside from the egregious Uma, the acting is acceptable.  Taylor Zakhar Perez, who plays Uma’s son, is delightfully delicious and is quite believable…when he’s not mugging (mostly limited to the first 10 minutes).  Nicholas Galitzine as the Prince is somewhat blander, but likeable enough.  They have chemistry and varying degrees of attractiveness in their corner.  If the idea of a fairytale ending has not been beaten out of you by reality, then you might really enjoy this flick.  But I kept thinking how much more interesting it would have been if the President had been a Republican.  Anyhoo, like Mary Todd Lincoln said long before me – all in all, it was entertaining.

If Red, White and Royal Blue whet your appetite for more middling gay made-for-TV fare, you won’t have to wait long.  The Hallmark Channel has announced Notes for Autumn will air on September 16^th.  This film is about a classical pianist (Ashley Williams) who needs a break from her city life.  Her gay best friend is an author with writer’s block (Luke Macfarlane) who needs a break from his life in the wilderness.  They decide to swap homes…and hilarity ensues, I’m sure.  Luke becomes entangled with his new neighbor, played by the dashing Peter Porte.  I dunno anything else, except I feel safe in predicting we won’t see a single “moment of insertion”.

Of course, there are other music stories in which I don’t figure so prominently.  Like, for instance, we just learned a shocking revelation about Beyoncé.  A media outlet snagged a photo of her luggage, which included a large box labeled “Beyoncé Toilet Seats”.  Yes, Queen Bee requires sitting on a very particular throne – even on the road.

Britney Spears was photographed visiting Lance Bass and his twins Violet and Alexander.  She captioned it, “I am a new auntie for Lance’s babies!!!  They are absolutely gorgeous babies!!!”.  It depends on how you define the term “new”…the kids are almost two!  She may be a “new auntie”, but she’s certainly not an attentive one.  Although, she’s had loads of reasons to be distracted.  Brit just got married last year.  So, you know – newlyweds.  And then there’s the latest news – she’s getting a divorce.  OK, who had 62 weeks in the pool?

Someone named Tory Lanez has been sentenced to 10 years in prison after shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.  It happened at the end of a party at Kris Jenner’s house in 2020 – proving definitively that nothing good happens at a party at Kris Jenner’s house.  Tory claims shooting Megan was an accident.  Should anyone want to make a film about this incident, I have the perfect title: They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

It’s oft said there’s no such thing as bad press, but Lizzo probably begs to differ.  After multiple backup dancers filed suit against her for sexual harassment with a banana, another woman has come forward with a tale of her own – Brooklyn Elizabeth Brown claims that Lizzo slept with her boyfriend of 10 years!  It happened when Lizzo and Myke Wright were co-hosting Wonderland on MTV back in 2018.  I can’t imagine this is that big a scandal.  Doesn’t this happen all the time with co-hosts?  OK, maybe not on The View, but definitely on GMA3.

Picture it – your beloved Billy, lauded, admired, some might even say venerated – incognito at the Jonas Brothers at the Boston Garden (I don’t care what they call it now).  Nick Jonas is at the lip of the stage, walking backwards, towards a gaping hole.  I’m sure you’ve heard of ordinary people who find themselves in extraordinary circumstances.  So imagine when I – far from ordinary – saw Nick Jonas inches away from plummeting to his death.  Readers, I can’t explain what came over me.  But I suddenly heard my voice bellowing, “LOOK OUT, NICK!”  If you watch the video, you see him cock his head just a bit – surely straining to hear a voice coming down from on high.  Between my mouth and his cock – well, something magical happened.  I hate to say I saved his life, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

This week’s Ask Billy question comes from Harry somewhere in Texas (if his e-mail address is to be believed): “What do you know about Hisam on Big Brother?  He doesn’t seem to mind showing skin.”

Hisam Goueli hails from Seattle, where he is a geriatric doctor and a burlesque dancer – quite a combination, n’est çe pas?  This is how he described himself when he joined Big Brother: “The person I am today is a confident, gay, Arab, Muslim man, who is basically in love with life and wanting to explore all of its possibilities.”  He is married to Roberto, and they have a golden retriever named Evita – of course they do.  Hisam is a cancer survivor, having had a tumor removed from his ear canal (which explains his partial loss of hearing).  Back to his burlesque dancing, he takes part in an annual event called Bohemia, which is performed in a scantily clad burlesque fashion.  Not only is he a mainstay of the production, he’s also been featured in ads where he shows far more skin than he has on the BB live feed.  If it’s skin you’re after, check out Potato Dreams of America – and, no, I’m not making that up.  Nor am I making up that Hisam appears alongside such luminaries as Lea DeLaria, Jonathan Bennett, and Lauren Tewes – you know, Julie from The Love Boat.  His character is billed as “Fantasy Husband Cowboy”, and he has a rather explicit love scene – which can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

Congrats to Arrow executive producer Greg Berlanti for providing a Yeastie Boys bagel truck to nourish the picketers.  Berlanti also produced Red, White and Royal Blue – which I will write about next week.

Far be it from me to criticize non-picketers.  I may be a proud and loyal member of the Screen Actors Guild, but I am busy basking in the balmy breezes of Provincetown.  What can I say?  I have my priorities.  One of those was making a belated pilgrimage to see the incomparable Miss Richfield 1981 at the Pilgrim House.  This year, she is dispensing Bad Advice to capacity crowds.  And it’s the crowds that make every show different, because Richfield is interacting with them constantly.  Yes, there is material, there are stories, there are songs – but the quick-witted Richfield knows how to mine her audience for comedy gold.  If you are afraid of being in the spotlight, don’t worry.  You’re in good hands with a pro who not only knows how to deliver, but knows the difference between funny and snarky (unlike moi, who straddles that line as often as many, many men).  More info about the delicious debutante can be found at MissRichfield.com.  And you can grab your tickets at PilgrimHousePtown.com.

Because I have a hard spot for hot boys, I made a point of catching up with Branden and James at the Post Office Café and Cabaret.  This year’s show is entitled, You Had Me At Cello, a clever play on James’ penchant for having large pieces of wood betwixt his legs (Miss Richfield manipulates a far sharper object between her gams).  The duo deliver a great show with some fantastic songs and some gorgeous arrangements.  Of particular note was a mashup (as the kids say) of “Bésame Mucho” and “Hotel California” which worked beautifully.  There’s also a very clever melding of live performance and video footage of the couple singing “Chasing Cars” in NYC (their video version can be found on our website).  Their chemistry is as sweet as their harmonies, and as musicians, they’re smashing.  You can check out their schedule on BrandenJames.com.  And, as always, check out the full Post Office schedule at PostOfficeCafe.net.

The big news this week is that Wayne Brady has come out as “pansexual” – which, if you ask me, is just a pit stop on the way to Gayville.  Kinda like how coming out as bi was in the ‘90s.  Brady actually clarified it by calling himself “bisexual – with an open mind”.  One must admire the skill in his statement, well-crafted by a team of professionals, I’m sure.  With such prose as “I’m doing this for me”, and “I love all people equally, and now that includes myself” – it’s hard to criticize anything.  Brady adds, “I was so afraid of having my manhood questioned.”  I think that ship sailed when he starred in Kinky Boots!  Anyway, he’s very cautious about the terms he uses.  “I don’t think I’m ‘gay’, but what if I feel something for another man?”  What if?  As if!

As I sat down to write you, an alarm on my phone went off.  Today is the 28^th anniversary of my very first column.  Yes, this is the 1,456^th column I have written.  Me.  Who never liked to write a short essay on the book I read.  Of course, that’s probably because I never read the book!  I have churned out over two MILLION words.  I don’t want to get cocky, but if I were being paid by the word, I’d be a wealthy man.  Alas, I’m paid by the column, so I’m just a man of average means and above-average experience…translation, I’m poor, but I’ve been around.  Would I trade it all for a few million?  You bet your ass.  Instead, I’ve simply had your ass.  You’re welcome.

On a day like today, I like to look back at that first column.  Sure, our first story about Geffen and Keanu set the tone.  But who remembers that the second item was about Catherine Deneuve?  Or that there was a lesbian publication called Deneuve?  Apparently I was into literature back then, because there was also an item about Ethan Hawke doing a reading from his new novel in Provincetown.  In a bit of amusing prose, I said that Hawke “makes Jackie Collins look like Papa Hemingway!”  And you wonder how I’ve been able to remain relevant for almost three decades! 

When I’m willing to save a horse by riding a cowboy, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  You know what I think?  I think it’s time for an Anniversary Sale.  So while you’re reading the column for free (the column is always free), you can see all our bonus features and racy content if you become a member of www.BillyMasters.com – the site that fulfills your every fantasy.  Of course, the real me is always available for questions, compliments, and canoodling.  Simply drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before I need a geriatric doctor (right now, I’m doing fine with burlesque dancers).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Meanwhile, the strikes plaguing the performing community continue.  And two performers found themselves on the wrong side of the picket line.  First was Stephen Amell, who went public at GalaxyCon in Raleigh, North Carolina, saying, “I do not support striking”.  He added that he found the strike a “reductive negotiating tactic”, “incredibly frustrating”, and “myopic”.  There he goes, showing off that Canadian education!  After being vilified online, he explained that while he stands with the union, he does not stand with how the impasse is being handled.  He added, “When you see me on the picket line, please don’t whip any hard fruit”.  I can’t promise that.

Zachary Levi was also at a ComicCon – but his was in Manchester, England.  During his “presentation” (for which he was paid a pretty penny), the Shazam star said, “I’m not allowed to talk about – this is so dumb – I’m not allowed to talk about any of my previous work.”  While this is technically true, it’s not actually true.  Zachary was paid to attend the convention as a personality, not to promote any specific project.  After being raked over the coals (figuratively, I’m sure), he said, “It’s come to my attention that an offhand remark I made in jest last weekend is being taken out of context.”  See, this is why you need writers – we’re much better at crafting jests!  “So let me be clear,” continued Zach.  “I fully support my union, the WGA, and the strike.”  Either way, I’d still fuck him.  As to Amell – only if forced at fruit point.  Or if his cousin were involved.

On the other hand, Billy Crystal rented an ice cream truck and provided free refreshing treats for his colleagues on the picket line in LA.  The menu (which included cones, cups, sundaes, floats, and shaved ice), was signed, “Stay Strong – Billy Crystal”.  It almost makes me wish I’d picketed in 90-something degree temps…almost.

Then there’s Lizzo.  And, yes, I do know who Lizzo is.  Anyone who can play the flute while twerking in a bathing suit onstage is my kinda gal.  Alas, Lizzo is in the news for all the wrong reasons.  It’s no surprise that she’s a big girl.  Hell, she called her reality show Watch Out for the Big Grrrls.  Three of her backup dancers (two of whom were vets of the reality show) are suing her for sexual harassment, assault, discrimination and fostering what is called a “hostile work environment”.  The part that grabbed me was the accusation that the dancers were forced to attend and participate in sex shows in Amsterdam.  Allegedly, Lizzo pressured them to go with her – I guess saying “Thanks, but no thanks” was not an option.  Let me quote some of the suit’s more colorful prose: “Lizzo began inviting cast members to take turns touching the nude performers, catching dildos launched from the performers’ vaginas, and eating bananas protruding from the performers’ vaginas.”  Not only does this sound unappetizing, it also sounds unhygienic.  The suit claims that Lizzo was “robbing them of the choice not to participate.”  Robbed?  At banana point?  So, the dancers didn’t feel comfortable saying no, but now feel comfortable suing?  Could it be that they didn’t want to rock the boat while on the payroll, but now that they’ve cashed the checks, they’re looking to cash in?  I’m just asking…

Isaac Mizrahi is apparently the only gay out there to not know that Andy Cohen identifies as a top.  When Cohen guested on the Hello Isaac podcast, one of the fashionista’s more pointed questions was, “Are you a top or a bottom?”  Andy didn’t hesitate to proclaim, “I’m a top”.  Predictable.  Less so was Cohen’s follow-up statement.  “I wish that I could…I need to loosen up, as they say.”  He adds that given a choice, “I think I would be more of a bottom.”  I know some men who could help him in that department.

Apparently everyone has been assuming that Troye Sivan is a power bottom.  I, on the other hand, would have a devil of a time picking him out of a police lineup.  Yes, I’ve read his name a lot, but all I’m actually certain of is that he isn’t that little person from the Austin Powers movies.  Beyond that, no clue.  Well, I know he sings – but don’t ask me to hum any of his ditties.  One such ditty is called “Bloom”, which Troye (with an “e”) believes led people to assume he’s a bottom.  “I think in the sort of consciousness of gay people, I’m some crazy power bottom or something, which is just not the case, and I just wanted to put that out there.”  First, methinks the lady doth protest too much, Macduff.  And, honey, if you’re putting it out there – well, that’s how rumors get started!

This leads to a story about Tom Daley – and the connection is not what you’d think…or maybe it is.  Daley announced that he’s in training for the Paris Olympics.  In making the announcement via YouTube, he was playing Troye Silvan’s “Rush”, which is an ode to gay intimacy.  At least that’s what I’m told – I never heard the song.

One thing everyone who has been through a breakup will tell you is that it isn’t caused by one thing – unless, of course, your mate is bad in bed.  That is a dealbreaker.  In the case of the divorce of Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, we now know that it’s been on a downward spiral for three years – which is particularly long since they’ve only been married for six!  “This isn’t something new,” said Ricky.  “We have been planning this situation for a long time.  This is pre-pandemic.”  I’ve heard of people staying together for the children – but for the pandemic?  “When the public found out that we were divorcing, we had already gone through a process of much solitude.  We were firm that this is what needed to happen for his well-being, my well-being, and for our children.”  All I got out of that was Jwan isn’t that bad in bed.  After all, didn’t Ricky say it was “firm”?  And, frankly, the fact that Yosef spells his name “Jwan” would probably be a dealbreaker for moi!

I must confess that I’ve spent more than a few sleepless nights pondering the breakup of Justin Trudeau’s marriage – or, perhaps, longing for Trudeau to ponder me.  The couple went public with their uncoupling while revealing no details…except that they have already signed a “legal separation agreement”.  What we do know is that both men and women are coming out of the closet wanting Trudeau to come…well, wherever he wants. 

Our almost predictable Ask Billy question comes from Walt in Chicago: “Did you see that photo Cheyenne Jackson posted?  Holy fuck, has he ever been hotter?  Is there an uncensored version?”

I think he hit his hotness peak around the time that photo was taken.  He posted it on social media to announce he’s available for Cameo messages – for the bargain-basement rate of $95.  Even that is exponentially more than a subscription to BillyMasters.com – where you’ll find an uncensored (and aroused) Cheyenne for only $5 a month.

When we’re cheaper than a celeb, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  I may be cheap, but I’m worth it.  And I’ll bend over backward to prove it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s a bargain at any price.  If you have a question, reach out and touch me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before Kevin Spacey does the same!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Let’s turn to some of our favorite divas.  First up is the Aussie angel known as Kylie Minogue.  On the rare occasions she’s appeared in the US, the gays have lost their shit.  Well, get ready, kids – Kylie’s coming back!  But rather than do a tour, she’s making good on what we’ve heard whispered about for a few years – she’s doing a Vegas residency.  Actually, I guess it’s more than that, since Kylie calls the show, More Than Just a Residency.  I dunno what the “more” is.  But we’ll find out when she hits Voltaire at the Venetian starting on November 3^rd.

Cher will be everywhere come this fall.  She’s working on not one but TWO albums – the first rumored to be a holiday collection (which should thrill Paul Shaffer).  As if that weren’t enough, she also has a line of gelato!  Yes, because when I think of Cher, I think of gelato.  Or, as she calls it, “Cherlato”.  She’s SO clever!  She’s partnered with a New Zealand company – because when I think of gelato, I think of New Zealand.  Cher released some photos and prose about the venture, in which she describes “countless hours in the kitchen, refining flavor combinations.”  Because when I think of countless hours in the kitchen…well, you get the idea.

Janice Dickinson is always quotable.  In a recent interview, she had a bone to pick with Andy Cohen.  “I once went up to Andy Cohen to pitch a late night talk show, and as soon as I left, he took the idea, and he ran with it and did Late Night with Andy Cohen.”  Let’s stop for a second – is there any show called Late Night with Andy Cohen?  ‘Cause if there is, I’ve never heard of it.  “Right after I pitched the idea, it came on six months later.  And I was like, ‘You know what, that was my idea.’  He’s a tacky queen.  Tacky!”  Janice adds she’d never go on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  “They would shake and quiver.  And you know, they’re all easy.  They’re easy shots, but they pretend to be so uppity.  And they’re not uppity.  They’re just hags.  Beverly Hills Hags!”

This leads to a somewhat personal item.  While I’ve been entertaining the masses up and down the eastern seaboard, I was surprised to hear that I’ve been doing some entertaining in Los Angeles – via celluloid.  Apparently, a film I’m in had its world premiere.  Color me Barbra, but not only was I not invited to the world premiere – I didn’t even known it was happening!  Watch what’s not happening with Billy Masters.