“I absolutely love that Colbert got fired.  His talent was
even less than his ratings.  I hear Jimmy Kimmel is next.
 Has even less talent than Colbert!  Greg Gutfeld is better
than all of them combined, including the Moron
on NBC who ruined the once great Tonight Show.”
– It always tickles me when someone praises someone I’ve never heard.  Like, who is
Greg Gutfeld?  And why is “Moron” capitalized?  Is that a job?  Like Moron in Chief?

The city – Fort Lauderdale, FL.  The Place – Chase Bank.  I went to my local branch after receiving an offer of $500 for opening a business account.  Since I’ve been troubled by Citibank’s rapidly diminishing branch locations, I was happy to give their competition my business – especially if I got paid for it.  I sat down with a woman reminiscent of a young Julie Kavner – in her Rhoda days playing Brenda (who also worked in a bank).  I decided to not share my observation with the gal.  A smart decision, since her first question to me was the following – “Are you a member of the adult entertainment industry?”  Why?  Perhaps she’s a fan.  Or maybe seen some of my oeuvre (I quickly made sure my oeuvre wasn’t showing).  Or perhaps it’s my choice in paramours (or, dare I say, spouses).  Or perhaps it was the stack of bills I presented for deposit which gave off a faint but pungent odor.  Nonetheless, I responded with a somewhat convincing “No”, while making sure my tear-away shorts were fastened tight!

You probably wouldn’t be too surprised if I told you someone was outed at a Coldplay concert.  But what if I told you that someone wasn’t Chris Martin?  Oh, sure, now you’re surprised.  It all happened at Gillette Stadium – just south of my native Boston.  As often happens at these concerts, random audience members were featured on the Jumbotron.  The camera settled on a man embracing a woman from behind.  Chris Martin says, “Oh, look at these two.”  The woman covers her face and turns around; the man ducks down below the camera.  “Come on, you OK?  Uh, what?” continues Martin.  “Either they’re having an affair or they’re just very shy.  I’m not quite sure.”  I’ll give you two guesses!  It might have all ended there, except someone in the audience filmed the entire encounter and posted it on that Chinese video streaming site that all the kids like.  And that’s how the world discovered Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer, was canoodling with a woman who was most certainly not his wife.  It only got worse when reports indicated that the woman in question was Astronomer’s Chief People Officer! 

Byron quickly issued a mea culpa, which included this rapturous bit of prose: “What was supposed to be a night of music and joy turned into a deeply personal mistake playing out on a very public stage.”  Except he didn’t actually say that!  While the incident and video are very real, the apology statement was a hoax, made by a fake Andy Byron!  What wasn’t fake was that Byron did resign.  His former company posted this on Twitter: “Andy Byron has tendered his resignation, and the Board of Directors has accepted.”  Chris Martin made a statement of his own shortly after the couple ducked out of view of the KissCam: “Holy shit – I hope we didn’t do something bad.”