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4 December 2023

“To hell with this place!”
– George Santos‘ parting comments after being ejected from Congress.
He also said that Congress “is full of felons galore”. At least, that’s what I think he said.
With his lisp, it sounded like he said, “Zsa Zsa Gabor”!

I recently went to a gender reveal party. Being gay (and a guy), I really wasn’t sure what to expect. But I was hoping the hot daddy was going to reveal his gender. I was slightly confused when the bride said, “We all have to take a bite and see what color the frosting is.” I’ll play your silly game, you crazy straight people. Imagine my surprise when she brought out a tray of cupcakes! Suddenly bored, I went into the other room to play with the children – because, contrary to popular belief, I love kids. In short order, they were dancing and squealing with delight. Suddenly one mother popped her head in and yelled, “Calm down, Queenie!” And I don’t even know this woman! Then I found out she was actually saying “Calm down, Quincy!” I’m looking around for some Jack Klugman look-alike, only to find out that Quincy is a girl. And you wonder why boys are wearing dresses to school and girls are becoming cutters?

Even with all our issues, we’re all lucky to be American. This was driven home by the story of Gilbert Ignatius, who is a citizen of Indonesia and a flight attendant on Qatar Airways for 7 years. He was celebrating his 32^nd birthday at the Mondrian Hotel in Doha (Qatar) this past spring with a friend when they were detained by security. They were taken to the private office of the Criminal Investigation Department – which sounds like a show even I wouldn’t watch! One of the officers ran a moist towelette across Ignatius’ face to prove that he had on some tinted “moisturizer” – they’re very scientific in Qatar! The officers demanded the guys’ passports, which they refused. So they were escorted to the local police station and asked if they were prostitutes or if they ever engaged in homosexual activities. Why? Because of the tinted “moisturizer” and Gil’s Hermes belt. It didn’t help when police found a photo of Ignatius shirtless at Bangkok Pride! Ignatius proclaimed, “I am not a prostitute,” and asked to speak to the Indonesian Embassy. He was told, “You have no rights. This is Qatar” – which the tourist bureau might consider using as a national slogan! Eventually they were released – without their passports. Qatar Airways said Gilbert was grounded and couldn’t leave the country for several days. Over a week later, a representative from the airlines drove the men to the Saudi Arabian border and told them they had been deported. And fired – naturally!

Dustin Lance Black found himself cleared in a legal entanglement. In August 2022, he had been in a bar scuffle with a notable lesbian influencer. In a UK courtroom last month, the lesbian testified (behind a curtain!), and the judge found her testimony to be “inconsistent” with her earlier version. Further, video from the scene made it unclear who did what to whom. Therefore, the case was dismissed before DLB even presented his defense. He posted the following (in part) on social media: “I’m thankful to be far away from the heartless violence, willful ignorance, and prosecutorial maliciousness that came for me and our family in the U.K. over the last year.”

Believe it or not, we are still talking about what I believe was Jussie Smollett’s staged hate crime from way back in 2019. After being found guilty and having the chance to put this all behind him with some fines and probation, Smollett continued to proclaim his innocence. He appealed the conviction that he orchestrated the attack, but the appellate court agreed with the guilty verdict. Because of this, Jussie may actually spend his holidays in the hole – which sounds like a title of a Hallmark flick! But he’s still not giving up hope. He’s petitioning the Illinois Supreme Court to grant him a new appeal. Unlikely, but it would probably all work out in a Hallmark movie!

At the 12:07 mark of the November 30^th installment of The View, Whoopi Goldberg was introducing a serious interview about an anti-Palestinian hate crime in Vermont. In the middle of her description, we suddenly heard a burst of full audience applause and cheering. It literally lasted for a second, and then quickly faded out. Obviously the control booth has canned applause at the ready to…shall we say, “augment” the live reactions. Proving, once again, not everything is as it appears – even on live TV.

I preface my next story by saying I have not followed The Bachelor since Chris Harrison’s departure. So, no, I have not watched a single episode of The Golden Bachelor. But I have seen Gerry (curiously pronounced “Gary”) on talk shows, and I’ve had a feeling there’s something…well, “fishy” about him. Last week, The Hollywood Reporter did a deep dive on his background, and all was not rosy. Despite statements like “I haven’t dated in 45 years”, he actually began a three-year relationship with a woman…a month after his wife’s death in 2017! The woman in question presented a text from Gerry which caught my eye: “Damn, I go to bed at night thinking of you and wake up in the morning thinking of you.” Not the most scintillating prose, but it was sent less than three months after his wife’s death. Please understand, I’m not one to cast stones. I’ve been known to hit on the bereaved during memorial services! It should also be noted that Gerry allegedly dumped this woman after she gained about ten pounds before his high school reunion. “I’m not taking you to the reunion looking like that.” Proving, once again, all that glitters is not gold.

The hit of the Broadway season is the off-Broadway transfer of Sondheim’s Merrily We Roll Along, with a talented trio at the center. And therein could lie a problem. You have one woman (Lindsay Mendez) and two men (Daniel Radcliffe and Jonathan Groff). In a straight porn, that might be a great situation – especially if you throw in a cup! But when it comes to the Tony Awards, it’s awkward. Two guys competing against each other? In a gay porn, that might be a great situation – cup or no cup! In the film industry, producers determine what category they want people nominated in. But on Broadway, the Tony Committee makes those decisions. Being a revival, you’d think there might be a precedent. However, the original production of Merrily only got one Tony nomination (for Sondheim’s score). So this was new territory. The Tony Committee has ruled that Radcliffe and Groff will not be competing against each other. While both men are ostensibly leads, tradition dictates that the show is more about Groff’s character (Franklin Shepard) than Radcliffe’s (Charley Kringas). As a result, Radcliffe will be submitted in the “featured” category – think “supporting actor”. Tragedy averted.

This leads beautifully into our latest installment of Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions. This week’s suggestion comes as a surprise not only to you, but to me, too. This package was delivered to my home! Yes, my actual home. And NOBODY gets that address without a recent nude selfie! In the box was Stephanie J. Block’s holiday collection, Merry Christmas, Darling. It also included an allegedly “hand-signed” note, an ornament, a mini candy cane, and lots of that filling that everybody hates because once it’s out of the box, it’s all over your house! I’m a fan of the lovely multi-award-winning Miss Block (and her hunky hubby, Sebastian Arcelus), so I promptly listened. The collection has the expected traditional songs, a few holy selections, some unfamiliar tunes, all arranged with great style and taste. And if she re-releases it next year, she could include her own rendition of Cher’s “DJ Play a Christmas Song”! What might sound like a curious compliment about a singer is how impressed I am at how Block uses words. She seems to always think as an actress first – creating a mood, an atmosphere, a connection with the story she’s trying to tell. In a world of disposable holiday ditties, I consider Merry Christmas, Darling indispensable.

Rather than an Ask Billy question, I have a viewer comment. Jesse in Baltimore writes: “You have to look at Luke Evans’ backstage video. He’s looking mighty fine.”

He always does – I say without a trace of sarcasm or envy…OK, maybe a bit of envy. The sexy, openly gay actor is currently appearing in London’s West End in Backstairs Billy – a play about Billy Tallon, an openly gay butler to the Queen Mum. Evans, who is active on social media, posted a video sporting his impressive physique backstage with the caption: “Wanna burn body fat fast? DO A WEST END SHOW!!!! Dropped 8kg in 10 weeks!! Only down side…it’s BLOODY WINTER.” If you need to warm up, check out the video on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m considering auditioning for a West End show, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column. Since we’ve run longer than usual, I’ll simply remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s always golden. If you have a question or a comment, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before George Santos applies for a job with Qatar Airways! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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