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29 July 2024
“Trump wouldn’t give an inch – just ask Stormy Daniels!”
– Joy Behar’s quip on how one former president is responding to another one stepping aside.
Well, some people don’t have an inch to spare. And some of us…well, our inches runneth over.
JoJo Siwa announced plans to become a mother – and not just any mother. “Because I’m gay and I have to plan a pregnancy much different than a straight person, I actually want to take three eggs, fertilize three eggs, and have three surrogates. So technically, they’ll all be the same batch but they would all be born separately.” I’m not sure exactly where she lost me – perhaps it was the word “batch”. And if I had a problem with that word, just wait and hear what she says next. “Those are my nuggets, and no one comes before my nuggets.” It’s like she’s ordering babies at a McDonald’s Drive Thru! “I’m gonna have my surrogates, my babies, then maybe their birthdays will land on different days, and they can be like triplets, but like, not. Just so you know, there are three children – their names are Freddie, Eddie and Teddie. I will have as many more as you want, however many more.” I’m not exactly sure if planning on having kids or buying ducks!
Most of us got to know JoJo from her appearance on Dancing with the Stars – a show that uses the term “star” loosely. For years, I’ve heard rumors of shenanigans happening behind the scenes. Apparently, the parent show (the UK hit Strictly Come Dancing) has been rocked with a number of verifiable incidents of bad behaviour behind the scenes – from pros kicking contestants to some unwarranted incidents of the #MeToo persuasion. As a result, that show is making a number of changes – including having chaperones at all rehearsals. Is this a network program or a grammar school field trip? Do the contestants need to have their parents sign a permission slip, or would a well-worded NDA suffice? People in a position to know say these precautions may also be implemented throughout the international incarnations of the show. To be continued, I’m sure…
One rarely talks of Payomet, and that truly saddens me. The Payomet Performing Arts Center is located in Truro – which is basically Ptown-adjacent. Every once in a while, Payomet gets a big-name performer – I believe in the past, Mickey Dolenz headlined a show. Little Stevie Van Zandt also appeared there once – sans Bruce and the gang. Then there are lots of acts I’ve never heard of – some of which include ariels and puppets. But a handful of upcoming performers caught my eye. Taylor Mac performs on August 9th, Paula Poundstone on August 10th, Rosanne Cash on August 12th and 13th, Judy Collins on August 19th, and the legendary Mavis Staples hits the stage August 29th. But with Ptown being so close, Payomet occasionally rents out Provincetown Hall and calls it Payomet Road Shows. Our own John Waters did an evening at Town Hall under the Payomet banner. And over Labor Day weekend, there will be someone that will appeal to my audience. The hunky and hilarious Matteo Lane will perform at Town Hall on Friday and Saturday, August 30 and 31. This is a rare opportunity to see a funny gay man in his natural habitat (my performances at the Dick Dock don’t count). Grab your tickets at Payomet.org. Of course, you don’t need a ticket to grab moi. The line forms…well, wherever you’d like.
One of my favorite venues to see live theatre is the historic Pasadena Playhouse. They’ve just announced a revival of the musical La Cage (fun fact – I believe I’ve had relations with more “Cagelles” than Jerry Herman and Harvey Fierstein combined). Heading the cast is our own Cheyenne Jackson, who has been doing some interesting and challenging work over the past few years. Sure, he was in the semi-staged run of Once Upon a Mattress in NYC, but opted out of the Broadway transfer. Been there, done that. Having him take on the role of Georges is quite tantalizing indeed – it also puts him in the category of a DILF, which I heartily approve. His Albin will be Kevin Cahoon, most recently having starred in the Broadway’s Shucked. La Cage will run November 12 through December 15, and you can get more info and tix at PasadenaPlayhouse.org.
Should you need even more Cheyenne, he’ll be performing his new solo show Signs of Life during Gay Days Anaheim on September 13 – tickets can be had at GayDaysAnaheimInfo.com. And if you’re on the East Coast, you can see him at 54 Below in NYC September 23-29 – dates and times can be found at 54Below.org.
I’m rarely wrong, but have no problem admitting when I am. I openly questioned if Oh, Mary! – Cole Escola’s major off-Broadway hit – would be able to transfer to a big Broadway house this summer. It should be noted I mused this situation having not seen the show, which was such a hot ticket that even I could not snag one. I am nonetheless beyond delighted to say that the Broadway transfer has not only been a hit, it’s breaking box office records. And I still haven’t seen it. I will likely be able to rectify that situation since it has extended its limited run. The show will now close no earlier than November 10th. And something tells me it could be around beyond that.
Last year, the big bio book was Barbra’s. This year, Cher will be hitting the shelves. Strike that – this year and next year. Rather than release one giant book like Babs, Cher is breaking up her story. HarperCollins just announced that Cher: The Memoir, Part One will be released on November 19th. This volume will cover the early days up through her divorce from Sonny Bono – which she describes as “the highly complicated relationship that made them world-famous, but eventually drove them apart.” Part Two is slated to come out late next year.
Jordan Peele just announced that he’s reviving the hidden camera show Scare Tactics for the USA Network. Some of you may know that when the show debuted in 2003, the host was Shannen Doherty (immortalized in a particularly funny MADtv sketch). While I’m sure Peele’s version has been in the works for a while, the timing of the announcement is dubious, to say the least. Still, I’m in favor of anything that keeps Shannen’s legacy alive.
I am proud – almost giddy – to admit I have never watched an episode of Big Brother. And, no, I don’t believe Celebrity Big Brother counts. But I do have friends who not only watch, but have photos of each contestant and handicap alliances as if they were OTB. When I heard there was a hot guy that got gay tongues wagging…well, what kind of big dog would I be not to follow? Then I found out the hunk hails from Boston. Oh, sure, Tucker Des Lauriers now lives in Brooklyn, but he’s a Boston boy – and was raised by a gay father! In fact, he was discovered at 15 when he caught the attention of Bruce Weber during a family vacation in Provincetown. Take that all in. He goes out of his way to defend Weber, saying he’s been “nothing but professional and helpful.” Tucker is now 30 years old, has a 30-inch waist, and a 33-inch inseam. Well, now you’ve got me interested – and we’ve got some photographic proof on BillyMasters.com to back it up. And, trust me – this is worth backing up on. He was recently asked about his most vocal group of fans. “Definitely gay men, for sure. And I just think that they’re naturally more aggressive too, so yeah. Definitely a lot more aggressive.” Enough said.
This leads into one of my favorite Ask Billy question in weeks. Henry in New York writes, “This may seem like a silly question, but what do you know about Kirill in the Car Shield commercials? He’s so freaking hot.”
Henry, there are no silly questions. Sure, Kirill may be dumb as a stump (or however you say it in Russian), but you give me a hot guy who knows the exchange rate between US Dollars and Russian Rubles, and I’m all in…literally. I texted Vivica – ‘cause that’s what I do – but she doesn’t recall ever meeting Kirill. So I was on my own. I did some digging and came up with a shocking discovery – Kirill may not actually exist! In the TV commercial, he’s billed as “Kirill C.” – an actual Car Shield customer for 7 years who has saved over $9K. But in a longer online version of his testimonial, he is called “Kirill K”. And in the description, he’s referred to as “Kirill P”. Even allowing for shoddy translation from Cyrillic letters, I’m wondering if he might be some kinda bot. I’m also not entirely convinced I wouldn’t be willing to accept whatever virus he’s peddling.
When there’s a Russian bot I can get behind, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. This begs the question – where are the US bot makers with people like Chad, Lance and Chip? We’re falling behind and mark my words, the next war will be waged by AI incarnations. And, frankly, I believe Kirill could whip Lance’s butt – and I bet Lance would enjoy it. If that footage leaks, you’ll find it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s inciting artificial wars because I’m bored with real people. If you think you could pique my interest, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and make an indecent proposition. Heck, even a decent one would be nice. Either way, I’ll get back to you before JoJo Siwa gives birth to a McNugget! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.
Billy Masters
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