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2 December 2019

Camila [Cabello] was performing with that man, Shawn Mendes
They’re still trying to make us believe that he’s into her…
if you know what I’m sayin’, and I think you do. 
He looked so awkward up there with that girl.  How you doin’, Shawn?”
 
Wendy Williams after watching the American Music Awards.  Yes, she just said what we’ve all been thinking.

With Thanksgiving over, I now am finally able to focus on Christmas – as opposed to CVS, which had seasonal fare available prior to Halloween!  Unlike my men, I like my holidays one at a time.  Before Thanksgiving, I had more than my hands full when I went to see the iconic Sandra Bernhard at the lovely Faena Theater in South Beach.  This gorgeous little gem is tucked away in the Faena Hotel, and I was there courtesy of Sandra’s musical director, the lovely Mitch Kaplan.  He posted something on Facebook about the show in Miami, and I had just arrived at my Fort Lauderdale abode.  Within a few hours, I was in the presence of the lady – and what a show she put on.  I loved watching the audience because they clearly had no idea what to expect from Sandra.  She’s not easy to categorize.  She shares interesting insights, bon mots from her life, surrealist stories constructed with impeccable skill, hysterical observations, and then belts out a song with the power of a Janis Joplin.  Quite a lot to take in for the denizens of South Beach.  But by the end, they simply paid homage – as we all do.  Sandy, Mitchy, and their motley crew will be ringing in the New Year at Joe’s Pub for the 10th year in a row.  In fact, they’re doing 12 shows at the venue between December 26 and 31.  Get the full schedule at SandraBernhard.com.

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Meanwhile on the West Coast, Debbie Allen is celebrating the 10th anniversary of her Hot Chocolate Nutcracker – which is always sinfully sensational.  The show takes place December 5-8 at the Redondo Beach Performing Arts Center and will feature Debbie and many of her talented friends performing alongside her students.  However, December 7th will feature an especially star-studded lineup, including my play mama Jenifer Lewis, Savion Glover, Phylicia Rashad, and Shemar Moore.  My, my, my…a Hot Chocolate Nutcracker – with his own nuts!  To get tickets, head on over to DebbieAllenDanceAcademy.com.  Tell ‘em Billy sent ya!

After Jenny McCarthy announced her retirement from New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, people wondered who would replace her.  Some thought Ryan would go all rogue and hire Kathy Griffin, but he doesn’t have the balls for that.  Instead, he went with Billy Porter – who certainly has big ones.  Actually, Billy will be hosting the event from New Orleans.  Ciara will once again handle countdown duties in LA.  Ryan announced who his Girl Friday would be thusly: “I’m so excited to welcome the talented Lucy Hale to the stage with me.”  It’s moments like these that we all depend on Wikipedia.  But, good for you, girl – you’ve got a gig.

I’ve been following this next story for a couple of weeks.  Try and follow along.  The names Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow probably don’t mean anything to you.  But in 1999, these very wealthy Brits won a legal battle to list both of their names on the birth certificate of the daughter they had with a surrogate.  This was a landmark case for Great Britain since they were the first gay couple to fight for this right – and win!  Fast forward 20 years, and the couple is splitting up.  Why?  Because Barrie has fallen head-over-heels in love with Scott, the ex-boyfriend of their daughter, Saffron!  Not only that, but the entire family (complete with ex-boyfriend/current boyfriend) continue to live in a mansion in Florida!  Here’s the best part – Scott came into the family as Barrie’s “personal assistant” five years ago, where he was often described as a pussy hound.  So, lemme get this straight (so to speak) – the gay guy hires a young personal assistant, who dates the gay guy’s daughter, and then the gay guy leaves his husband to be with the personal assistant, who is suddenly into men, and they’re all living in the same house.  If you’re wondering why don’t these people have a TV show, they actually filmed a pilot last year which went nowhere – probably because the couple was still together and Scott was being paid to be there (as if he’s not still getting a check).  With this new wrinkle, they may get a deal.  For now, you can see the pilot on BillyMasters.com.

In a far more civilized situation, our pal Anthony Rapp is engaged to his longtime beau Ken Ithiphol.  No details on plans for a wedding, but unless one of them has a daughter with a hot boyfriend, this should go off without a hitch.

While Shepard Smith is twiddling his thumbs waiting for his non-compete clause to run out, he’s still finding ways to make headlines.  Last week, he donated $500K to the Committee to Protect Journalists.  The organization describes itself as “a nonprofit group that advances press freedoms around the world.”  Congrats.

Singer Ellie Goulding almost didn’t perform at the Dallas Cowboys’ Salvation Army halftime show on Thanksgiving.  Fans explained to her that the organization opposes same-sex marriage and says that gay Christians should simply be celibate.  However, it was noted that they do provide services and assistance to all people.  Ellie stayed put – but I applaud her for bringing attention to the issue.

It wouldn’t be the holidays without at least one scandal.  A conservative group claims that a gay underwear ad has “contaminated Christmas”.  So you know what I did?  Found the ad – which, for the sake of clarity, I must tell you is a print ad.  The company is Bonds underwear – oh, did I mention this is all happening in Australia?  The ad features a real-life gay couple – Nicolas and Steve – kissing in the kitchen (one is sitting on a counter; one is leaning against it), clad solely in matching holiday boxer briefs.  The caption says, “It’s the little moments that make Christmas season so special”.  At least they didn’t say “It’s the little things” – how embarrassing would that have been??  Anyhoo, FamilyVoice Australia thought this was too much.  “Images of two men kissing passionately while sporting only their Bonds underwear is hardly the appropriate message at any time of the year – particularly not at Christmas.  Christmas is a special time that bonds faith and family.  It should not be contaminated by businesses pushing explicit images into the marketplace,” says the group’s spokesperson.  I don’t know how passionate it was.  I didn’t see anything pop out, or get slid in – which happens at all the underwear parties I go to.  But did you notice that the spokesperson says it’s “a special time that bonds faith and family”?  And it’s Bonds underwear!  Case closed!

Now comes the point in the column where I share Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions.  My goal each year is to share things that could make your festivities just a trifle more gay.  One of the most popular items every year is the Orthodox Priest Calendar.  But, frankly, I’m finding it hard to believe any actual priest can do that with a crucifix unless the holy water miraculously turned into lube.  Therefore, my calendar choice this year will appeal to those of you who like a bit of ginger – a lovely holiday flavor.  Last year, a fan sent me the Red Hot Cock Calendar, and I was impressed with what they refer to as their “fire crotches, copper knobs and ginger nuts”.  This year the lads have outdone themselves by also providing the flip side.  Yes, if you prefer your gingers face-down, you could buy the Red Hot Butt Calendar.  Both calendars raise money for testicular cancer and prostate cancer awareness campaigns.  Plus, a little ginger will keep you warm on those long winter nights.  Grab ‘em at RedHot100.com.

You know how you see an invention on Shark Tank and say, “Why didn’t I think of that?”  Well, the staff at Chi Chi LaRue’s Channel 1 Releasing had a thought – what if there were a way to turn any water bottle into an enema?  You know – for those guys on the go, rushing to a last-minute tryst.  And, thus, Skwert was developed.  The Skwert Water Bottle Enema will fit on most standard water bottle mouths and give you a quick pick-me-up.  For my readers, I’d classify this as a stocking stuffer…although what you stuff is your business.  Pick up a few for surprise guests at Skwert.com.

When I’ve got a hankering for some gingerbread men, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I dunno about you, but I’m showing up at all holiday parties with some mistletoe wrapped around my Skwert – just in case someone’s a little thirsty!  To find out how that turns out, keep reading www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’s always squeaky clean.  Very quickly before we close, I want to acknowledge the passing of someone who made us laugh for years and touched our hearts.  Shelley Morrison, you were truly a lady.  Moving swiftly back to me, send your questions to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I start interviewing candidates to be my “personal assistant”.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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