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6 February 2023

“I have never thrust this on someone unexpectedly. Never.”
– Armie Hammer in his recent Air Mail interview. Makes you wanna read on, doesn’t it?

While I was hunkered down during this arctic blast, I warmed up by reading an interview Armie Hammer gave to Air Mail. In explaining his bizarre behavior, Armie broke his silence by trotting out that old chestnut – he was sexually abused as a child. I am not questioning the abuse. But it’s such a familiar story – the abused becomes an abuser. He was 13 years old, and his abuser was his youth pastor. It continued for about a year. He doesn’t go into detail, but says, “What that did for me was it introduced sexuality into my life in a way that it was completely out of my control. I was powerless in the situation. I had no agency in the situation. My interests then went to: I want to have control in the situation, sexually.” Whenever I hear the word “agency”, I feel like a lawyer was consulted.

One of the sexual abuse accusations against him is shot down with documentation that Armie had torn his pectoral muscle lifting weights, which left him in a sling – and not the good kind! In general, he doesn’t deny most of the acts, but goes to great lengths to say they were consensual. Regarding an alleged rape, he says, “She planned all of the details out, all the way down to what Starbucks I would see her at, how I would follow her home, how her front door would be open and unlocked and I would come in, and we would engage in what is called a ‘consensual non-consent scene’.” This reminds me of that scene in For Pete’s Sake when Barbra plays “Take a Nap”. “Bed, sleep, touch, struggle, not too hard.” My God, to think Barbra could have been having sex with Armie Hammer!!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the account of a Colombian man named Daniel, who says he was sexually violated by Hammer. He claims that Armie told him, “Guys could endure more pain.” Allegedly, Hammer “cut him with paper and glass and then sucked his blood”; he also “inserted a condom wrapper into him” – none of which sounds appealing to me. One of Hammer’s female paramours claims that he “stuck objects into male victims”. Armie denies having met Daniel, and also says he has never had sex with a man.

Then there’s George Santos. He’s finally admitted that he actually has done drag – funny how the story changes once a videotape surfaces. And isn’t it convenient that the one time he’s ever done drag, someone videotaped it? “No, I was not a drag queen in Brazil, guys. I was young and I had fun at a festival.” He may not be a drag queen, but he certainly picked up enough tips. I recently saw him on the news wearing more concealer than Dolly Parton!

When it comes to Santos, the problems keep mounting (so to speak). Enter Christian Walker – Herschel Walker’s son, who never met a pair of tweezers he didn’t like! He Tweeted the following: “George Santos had told me I had a good ass in my jeans (not kidding). Now I’m just worried that HE WAS LYING ABOUT THAT TOO!?!?!?” Christian went into more details on Instagram Live, saying they met “on several occasions” and calls Santos “so funny, truly hilarious”. Well, you know, some of the funniest people alive are drag queens!

Then there’s Derek Jeter. This story came right from the horse’s mouth, courtesy of “True Confessions” on The Tonight Show. “I had a new teammate that I played with in 2002 who always had a gold thong hanging from his locker. He told me, ‘Anytime you struggle, wear the gold thong – you’re guaranteed to get a hit.’ In 2004, I went through the worst offensive stretch of my career. Every day I’d walk in and he’d point at the thong. So finally, I wore the thong. First pitch, home run.” Jeter was quick to clarify he wasn’t into “thong swapping”. “It wasn’t thong to skin. I had shorts on underneath. So I put the thong over the shorts.” Yeah, like I believe that!

Should acting be judged by gender? If not, Katharine Hepburn and Frances McDormand would have everything, and Daniel Day-Lewis and Jack Nicholson would be trophy-free. In soap operas, they even break it down by ages. Is it fair to compare Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep? Ask Rita Wilson! I like multiple categories because it allows more people to win. But what do you do about trans actors? Or non-binary actors? This was an issue regarding last year’s Broadway production of Macbeth. Asia Kate Dillon identifies as non-binary, and was playing the role of Malcolm. Asia didn’t feel comfortable in either category and withdrew from Tony consideration.

A similar case has occurred this year with the Broadway musical & Juliet. One of the stars, Justin David Sullivan, had to make a decision – to be submitted as an actor or an actress. “I was told that I had to choose where I felt more comfortable, and in that process, I struggled a lot. There’s nothing more that I want to empower than non-binary people, to show that it’s possible to be non-binary on Broadway, play a non-binary character on Broadway and be nominated, and possibly potentially awarded. I felt like I couldn’t choose. I didn’t feel right being in either category because it didn’t resonate with me. I decided the only thing that felt right to me would be to abstain from nomination consideration.” Justin added, “I hope that award shows across the industry will expand their reach to be able to honor and award people of all gender identities”.

The Tony people issued a statement of their own: “We recognize that the current acting categories are not fully inclusive, and we are currently in discussion about how to best adjust them to address this. Unfortunately, we are still in process on this and our rules do not allow us to make changes once a season has begun. We are working thoughtfully to ensure that no member of our community feel excluded in future seasons.” If one is to make a change, there are only two possibilities – make more separate categories, or lump them all together. Since I don’t approve of either option, I’m abstaining from future nominations.

Which leads to a perennial question: does an actor have to be gay to play a gay part? Adam Lambert thinks so. He was not happy to hear that sexy Theo James (from White Lotus) is being considered to play George Michael. “Yay another straight man playing a gay icon,” Lambert posted on Instagram. Of course, that makes the assumption that Theo James is straight – something I’m not willing to do. While at the Sundance Film Festival promoting his feature film debut in Fairyland, Adam was asked to elaborate on his post. Suddenly, he was singing a different tune. “I think my comment in no way suggests that I feel straight actors can’t play gay roles, because I think they do it really well.” What caused the about-face? The lead in Fairyland is a gay character. And the role is played by Scoot McNairy – who, despite his name, happens to be straight!

Could it be that someone in this column has been showing up at some discreet “house parties”? While most of the guests find him repulsive, he is willing to share party favors. Still, it ain’t so pretty when you awaken and realize what you’ve done…and with whom! If you think that’s gross, wait till you see the video!!

When I’m asking you to turn off the dark, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. We ran long, so I barely have time to tell you to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that likes to keep you guessing. But I’ll also answer questions, so write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Armie comes near me with a condom wrapper! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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