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26 July 2021

“I’d still be full of jokes and fun, but no more naked pranks.
I can see now my actions were pretty juvenile but this
was a different time and it’s something I would not do today.”
– John Barrowman tells The Daily Mail about claims of his inappropriate behavior on the set.
He says he stopped when Executive Producer Julie Gardner told him, “Grow up!”
He adds, “This is the first time – and the last – I will address this subject.
And then I plan to draw a thick black line under it.”

Your beloved Billy was almost a goner. For a split second, I was certain that I had the big C. No, not cancer – the coronavirus. Yes, I’ve been vaccinated, and yes, I asked everyone I’ve slept with for proof of vaccination. But, people lie. After the cluster of Delta variant cases from Fourth of July festivities in Provincetown, concern was in the air. When I came down with cold symptoms 10 days later, even my usual laissez-faire attitude was challenged. So I made haste to get tested – better safe than sorry, as the saying goes. I am happy to report I have nothing more contagious than a nasty New England summer cold.

While life goes on in Ptown, people are on tenterhooks…whatever those are. An indoor mask mandate has just been announced. How this will affect things remains to be seen. In terms of shows, I know that Billy Francesca cut his run short due to corona concern. Steve Grand was in town for two weeks, and posted the following: “I tested positive for Covid-19 today. I’m fully vaccinated. I started experiencing symptoms last Friday, a day after I flew back from Ptown. I say this not to alarm, but to notify anyone who had contact with me while I was there.” If you had “contact” with Steve, consider yourself notified – and feel free to send us details (and videos).

By the way, I have been duly chastised that all of my reports regarding shows to see in Ptown omitted the Red Room at Velvet. And, it’s true – this is the best kept secret in Provincetown. Nobody has mentioned it to me – with the exception of a Thursday night underwear party! While that event hasn’t made its way onto their website, I do see a full lineup of stellar talent – anchored by my bon ami, Jimmy James, who is there all season long. With pals like Jackie Beat in See Me While I’m Still Alive (August 10-14) and Lady Bunny’s Pig in a Wig (Aug 13-17), I’m tempted to zip down. You can get more details at RedRoomAtVelvet.com.

Alas, I have not been able to muster up much enthusiasm for the Summer Olympic Games. And I blame McDonald’s. Way back during the 1984 Los Angeles Games, McDonald’s had Olympic Game Cards. With every purchase, you’d get a card which would list an event – often something like the Hammer Throw, which only excites the Nords. If the USA won the Gold Medal for the event on your card, you could redeem it for a free Big Mac. If we won the Silver, you got a large order of fries. And if we won the Bronze, you got a medium soda. And if we swept all of the medals, you got a full meal! Oh, how I long for the 1984 Olympics – and my 28-inch waistline.

Before the Tokyo Olympics even began, there was already controversy…and a new star. The controversy came from reports that the beds in the Olympic Village were made of recycled materials and were “anti-sex”. The star came in the form of Irish gymnast Rhys McClenaghan, who decided to test the beds by jumping up and down on one. He proved that they are mighty sturdy, and made me wanna risk being thrown out of the Olympic Village…again. I mean, that ban must have been lifted by now. It’s been a long time since Lillehammer.

The Opening Ceremonies in an empty stadium reminded me of the sound of one hand clapping. If a Tongan flag bearer is shirtless and oiled up and nobody is there to ogle him, does it even matter? It probably mattered to Mike Pence, who I’m sure was watching and enjoyed seeing the slightly expanded Pita Taufatofua once again. Hopefully Mother was around to reap the benefits.

During a lull in the festivities, I flipped over to Charmed – a show I am loath to watch on a regular basis because it’s so awful. All of a sudden, I felt as if I were in a time warp. The oldest sister – whose name I couldn’t tell you, but let’s call her Lupe – died. And the two remaining sisters – let’s call them Lana and Lola – were worried that the Power of Three died with Lupe. But then, someone who I guess is the Latina Finola Hughes appeared in the clouds and told them they have another sister. I mean, really? If they put Lola in a mermaid tail, let me know.

Way back when the original Charmed was on The WB, The Surreal Life hit the airwaves with a cast that included Gabrielle Carteris, MC Hammer, Corey Feldman, Emmanuel Lewis, Jerri Manthey, Vince Neil and Brande Roderick. Season two featured Tammy Faye Bakker, Traci Bingham, Erik Estrada, Vanilla Ice, and Ron Jeremy. But for me, season three was the best – Charo, Flavor Flav, Jordan Knight, Ryan Starr and Brigitte Nielsen. At least season four had Marcus Schenkenberg and Christopher Knight alongside Jane Wiedlin, Chyna, and Verne Troyer – who had a habit of doing things to potted plants long before Harvey Weinstein. With this storied lineage, it’s no surprise that VH1 is bringing back The Surreal Life” this fall with Dennis Rodman, Stormy Daniels, Tamar Braxton, Frankie Muniz, and Kim Coles. I wouldn’t cancel plans to watch, but I’ll tune in if I’m home.

Liza Minnelli is back in the news. Last week, she turned up for Michael Feinstein’s gig at Vitello’s Restaurant in Studio City – one of the few eateries with a body count! With the assistance of two people, Liza gingerly made her way into a chair. Simply sitting seemed a strain. Her scattered storytelling was endearing, but her singing was – well, Liza-esque. Somewhere, somehow, someone must be able to find a song that doesn’t depend on the letter “S” so much – “My Sweet Embraceable You” sounded like an ad for Polygrip! One friend called it elder abuse. You can decide for yourself when you watch the video on BillyMasters.com.

By the by, Liza was once again passed over for the Kennedy Center Honors. The 2021 honorees were announced last week, and it’s a starry list, indeed. Bette Midler, Joni Mitchell, Berry Gordy, Lorne Michaels and opera singer Justino Diaz have made the cut. Well, there’s always next year, Liza.

Our Ask Billy question made me sit up and take notice. Reggie in Tulsa writes, “I don’t know if you watch John Oliver, but he showed clips of a foreign kiddie show about a man with a giant penis. What???”

I don’t watch John Oliver with any regularity, so I missed this segment. However, my crack research team (some of whom are actually on crack) found the show. John Dillermand” is indeed a Danish children’s show. Or a mini-show. The first season consisted of 13 five-minute episodes. Apparently “diller” is what the Danes call a penis. So the show is actually called “John Penisman”. John is a middle-aged man who is always in a red-and-white full-length bathing costume – like they wore in the 20s. He has a penis that can extend long enough to tame a lion, or act as a helicopter propeller, or use as a pogo stick. But sometimes the penis gets itself in trouble – I suppose that’s where the song “My Penis Has a Mind of Its Own” comes from. The show debuted earlier this year and is geared toward four- to eight-year-old children! Not only has there not been a single complaint – it’s gone viral. It has been praised because it shows a penis in a positive light – and when was the last time something like that happened? I’ll post clips of the unclipped penis on BillyMasters.com.

When a penis can be used for good, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. This got me thinking – it’s high time the Olympics considered adding some sort of penis-centric activity to their Games. I mean, if you can roll a hula hoop and wave a stick with a string on the end and call that an event, anything is possible. While I figure out who to call about this, you can take a gander at a plethora of penii at www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is always thinking outside the box. If you have a question, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before John Dillermand competes in the Olympics as a pole vaulter – with his own pole! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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