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14 September 2020

“The fact is, I’m a cheerleader for this country. I love our country.
And I don’t want people to be frightened. I don’t want to create panic.”
– Donald Trump. No offense to any leaders of cheers out there, but all the cheerleaders
I knew growing up were at the top of the human pyramid…and the bottom of the football team.

If you value gay media (like this column), the future is in your hands. Another gay paper is going online only. The Windy City Times will cease printing after 35 years. To put this into personal terms – this column once appeared in over two dozen weekly gay print publications nationwide. Do you know how many are left? Barely a handful. Please support your LGBT media…and websites like BillyMasters.com. After all, we’ve serviced so many of you.

Speaking of media, The View is back. Meghan’s about to pop, Joy is on her way to (or from) an Italian wake, Sara has returned to the table, and, wait a minute…who is that? Oh, yeah – Ana Navarro is back on Fridays. We completely forgot about her. With a new season comes a new drama. On their third day back, Joy Behar said she’d get a Covid-19 vaccine after Ivanka gets one. Ivanka Tweeted, “Deal. I would come on your show to do so.”

When Rome burned to the ground in 64 AD, Emperor Nero allegedly played the fiddle. While the world is suffering from the coronavirus in 2020 AD, Hollywood is dancing. Yes, it’s time for the new season of Dancing with the Stars. The season premiere is this week. But as we go to press, the logistics have been shrouded in mystery. I recognize there is a certain level of desperation that would lead any so-called “star” to compete in public during a pandemic. This explains how Jesse Metcalfe ended up back on network TV. But may I be the first to implore ABC to allow Len Goodman to judge via remote? Or from inside a bubble?

I suspect everyone will be watching Ellen DeGeneres on September 21^st. That’s when she’ll return to her studio on the Warner lot…sans audience. “I can’t wait to get back to work and back to our studio. And, yes, we’re gonna talk about it,” alluding to reports that her show was a “toxic workplace” – a scandal which culminated in the firing of three senior producers. How much she’ll say remains to be seen.

Alas, the bad news keeps coming. One of Ellen’s former housekeepers spoke to the Daily Mail and has quite a tale to tell. “Before I took the position, people were warning me not to take it. I was told she had a very high turnover and that I should stay under the radar as much as possible, avoid as much direct contact with Ellen as possible. Working there was described as being more like a boot camp.” The maid also claims DeGeneres would do sneaky things – like leave stray matchsticks behind doors or under cushions to ensure things were being cleaned regularly. When you polish the floor, you have to move the tree. If you can’t do something right, don’t do it at all!

Then there are some old subjects still rattling around. One of those is Kevin Spacey. You may recall his fall from grace happened shortly after he hosted the Tony Awards on June 11, 2017. Within months, Anthony Rapp revealed that when he was 14 years old, he was a target of unwanted sexual advances from Kevin. That’s when Spacey’s house of cards began to tumble. He was fired from most jobs, written out of others, and young men came forward with claims that led to court proceedings. The latest lawsuit comes from Rapp and an anonymous claimant. Since Anthony’s incident has been well documented, we’ll focus on the heretofore unidentified male – who was also 14 years old at the time. The tyke (known as CD) claims that Spacey engaged in sexual acts “including, but not limited to, the infant plaintiff performing anal intercourse on defendant Spacey and oral sex.”

More appropriate fun can be had on Billy Masters LIVE. Last Tuesday, we interviewed the marvelous Marilyn Maye – and featured some footage from her recent sold-out engagement at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown. And on Thursday, we updated our Broadway Bares special by tackling the deliciously wicked Mark MacKillop – who was the top fundraiser of Bares for the third year in a row.

This Tuesday features the risqué Rhea Litré – host of Quarantine Queen, the live Instagram drag show which just started its second season. Rhea and I go back a LONG way. We know where all the bodies are buried, so expect us to tell tales and name names. On Thursday, we celebrate the 35^th anniversary of The Golden Girls with some very special guests. Join in the fun – on BillyMasters.com/TV or on our YouTube channel, Billy Masters TV.

Like your beloved Billy, lots of people have gone online with their own projects during the pandemic. Last week, a group of Black actresses assembled to raise money for Color of Change and to put a new spin on The Golden Girls. Using a verbatim script written by our bon ami Stan Zimmerman for season one of the classic sitcom, “Flu Attack” was reimagined with Tracee Ellis Ross as Rose, Sanaa Lathan as Blanche, Regina King as Dorothy, and Alfre Woodard as Sophia. The event was hosted by Lena Waithe.

Many people think I can’t keep a secret. But I know far more than I tell. Take the news about the latest Black-ish spinoff. Joining Grown-ish and Mixed-ish is Old-ish – starring Laurence Fishburne and, who? Oh, yes – my Play Mama, Miss Jenifer Lewis. The way you stay in the inner circle is by keeping your mouth shut – at least until the contracts are signed. Of course, anyone watching Black-ish could smell a spinoff brewing – especially with Ruby and Pops sailing off into the sunset. The new show will pick up after the twosome remarries and move to their own place – which means plenty of opportunities for guest stars from the original show. There was talk of the couple opening up a diner…shades of last year’s Christmas episode. Time will tell.

As we were going to press, Chris Evans’ penis was wreaking havoc. It was a shocking moment. On his Instagram account, Evans shared a video hanging out with a group of friends playing a game called, ironically enough, “Heads Up!” At the end of the video, the screen froze on a page showing thumbnails from his camera roll. And there, amongst other images of the actor, was a close-up of a penis. While I feel it’s déclassé to discuss a semi-erect phallus, let’s simply say it makes up in girth what it may lack in length. Some people claim – rightfully so – that we have no idea who the disembodied penis belongs to. But riddle me this – why would Chris Evans have a photo of someone else’s penis on his cell phone? Since an image is worth a thousand words, check out BillyMasters.com.

One of my proofreaders claims this week’s Ask Billy question: “I heard that Aaron Carter jerked off to completion on his OnlyFans. Do you have any video or images of this momentous occasion?”

First, let me correct you – it wasn’t on his OnlyFans page; it was on his CamSoda page. The difference? No idea. What did he do in the video? He took a shower; he showed off his stuffed animals; he peeled a banana with his feet; he played guitar; fingered some honey (that is not a euphemism); and he did indeed jerk off to completion. And, yes, some titillating highlights can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re bringing you both a peeled and unpeeled penis, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. As I’ve said so often during these quarantined days – any penis in a storm. If you have other needs that need filling, head to BillyMasters.com – the site that always satisfies. Should you require more personal attention, I happen to have some time on my hands. Reach out to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I finger some honey (that IS a euphemism). Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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