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3 October 2022

“He doesn’t like gay people. Doesn’t want them in Russia. And then he’s got
the wonderful basketball player and he won’t let her out. Make up your mind!
He’s always acting so butch and strutting around. You know what that means,
don’t ya, uh-huh? The lady doth protest too much!”
– Leslie Jordan gives his two cents on Vladimir Putin.

I have a friend who always gets angry whenever a celebrity dies and the coverage states, “Cause of death is undetermined”. Like when Coolio was found on that guy’s bathroom floor. Or Anne Heche drove into that lady’s house. So, color me pleasantly surprised when the Brits were more forthcoming when it came to Queen Elizabeth II. On the official death certificate, the cause was listed with these words: “old age”. Thank you!

Being the Queen is kinda like being the star of a big musical. Who wouldn’t have wanted to see QEII strutting her stuff on the West End? If that appeals to you, you’re in luck. In 2024, London will see a revival of Hello, Dolly! starring Imelda Staunton, who plays Queen Elizabeth II in The Crown. Look, it all made sense in my head.

There’s been a curious development in the life of Oscar winner Dustin Lance Black. “A month ago I sustained a serious head injury that put me out of commission. Showing little improvement, my doctors ordered me to shut off my brain in hopes of it healing.” This sounds scary, and certainly our thoughts are with him. To assist in his recovery, hubby Tom Daley took the family to a Greek Island – presumably not the same one I just returned from. I recalled the last time Lance graced this column, which was after a bar fight on August 17^th. He and Tom were out at Freedom in Soho with female promoter, Teddy Edwardes, when Lance suddenly threw a drink in her face. “I didn’t have a drink to throw back so I did choose violence, but I wasn’t that violent. He got a little tap on the back of the head,” said Teddy. You don’t think…do you?

How would you like to be a fly on the wall in Tom Daley’s bedroom? The diver shared what he and the hubby do every night in bed – and it’s as scintillating as you’d expect. “When we get to bed, we always ask each other what our best and worst part of the day was. It’s a good opportunity to share something nice, but then also share something that wasn’t. It doesn’t necessarily have to mean I’m pissed off about him. It could be anything, but just being able to create that conversation.” And you wonder why Tom knits! And this was BEFORE the head trauma!

We’ve got a quick tidbit about Meghan Markle, courtesy of the new book, Courtiers: The Hidden Power Behind the Crown: “Meghan thought she was going to be the Beyoncé of the UK.” Perhaps she’ll make everyone happy and soon be doing the “Single Ladies” dance!

Even famous people compare themselves to others. Take Britney Spears, who truly has been to hell and back…and still looks good in a bikini. In discussing her conservatorship, she said the following: “I’d like to see somebody tell Jennifer Lopez to sit down eight hours a day seven days a week…no car. I’d like to see a management team tell Jennifer Lopez to go through what I went through…what the fuck do you think she would do…her family would NEVER allow that.” With all due respect, Brit, you’re no J-Lo. And Lynne is no Lupe!

You know who’s got loads of cautionary tales? Madonna. She was discussing relationships with Frankie Grande – who knows a thing or two about both tails and loads. “I was talking to Madonna of all people – talking to the queen – and I told her about the throuple, and she literally said, ‘Well, that’s not going to end well.’” So, there you have it – Madonna has the common sense that everyone, except for Frankie, has. But like Frankie, I’m sure Madge knows being a human piñata does have its advantages.

I could have predicted it – if I’d bothered to think about it. The reboot of Queer as Folk has been cancelled by Peacock. I don’t believe it was the quality of the show – but I don’t know for sure because I’ve never seen it. And that’s the point. I don’t know a single person who has tuned in. Nobody has mentioned it to me. Not even once. Not in passing. Not after the obligatory post-coital, “What’s your name again?” conversation. Nada.

During promotions for her latest Disney+ venture (more below), Sarah Jessica Parker confirmed what we reported weeks ago – a Carrie/Aiden reunion on And Just Like That…. “Could be, could be. Well, you know, I can’t be like cryptic about it anymore”. Not after Billy Masters reports it. Just stay away from all exercise equipment.

You want a good time? I have three words for you – Hocus Pocus 2. Sure, there’s nothing particularly new or fresh in this flick. But it made me laugh – especially when I noted it had the fakest sets since Gunsmoke! I even liked the younger cast members – very Charmed (the original, naturally). So, why stop with “2”? Why not another sequel? The girls are up for it. But, please, don’t wait another 29 years. By that time, Bette Midler will be…well, carry the 2, add in….she’ll be dead!

There’s even more Hocus Pocus news. Disney has gone from having no interest in the property to wanting to expand its audience. Why not Hocus Pocus: On Broadway?? Why not, indeed. The musical will be based on the first movie and, while there are no plans for the original trio to star in it, there’s nothing to say they couldn’t.

Speaking of both “Hocus” and “Pocus”, our pal Jay Armstrong Johnson is reprising his wildly popular Halloween fundraiser I Put A Spell On You for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. While the last two years have been virtual, the show returns to the stage on October 23^rd. NYC’s Sony Hall will host the event, which will again find JAJ winched into Winifred garb alongside Allison Robinson and Amanda Williams Ware as his sisters. Among the special guests will be Gavin Creel and Krysta Rodriguez. Tix and deets can be found on BroadwayCares.org.

The Sandersons can smell children. But Shania Twain has them beat – she’s smelled Harry Styles, who’s not much more than a child himself. After performing with the pop pup at Coachella, she said, “He smells so good, he’s so huggable.” She added, “He’s just a really genuine, nice person. And I think that’s really, I mean, obviously he’s very talented. But people love him. He’s likeable. And I think he earned that likability. It was a beautiful moment, it really was. I enjoyed it a lot. It was very genuine.” Excuse me – did she say he was likable or lickable?

Lickable brings us to this week’s Ask Billy question. Gary in Dallas writes: “I just saw photos of the new American Horror Story, which included two really hot guys walking down the street holding hands. One of them looked familiar but I couldn’t place him. Who are they?

The one who looked familiar was likely Charlie Carver, who appeared with his brother Max as one of the Scavo twins on Desperate Housewives (the twosome also appeared on Teen Wolf). Charlie is paired with the equally luscious Isaac Powell (occasionally billed as Isaac Cole Powell), who was the lead in the short-lived Broadway revival of West Side Story and was, for a time, fiancé to the wonderful Wesley Taylor. We hear this season’s AHS is a period piece set in NYC – which should be no stretch for Carver, who was in the Broadway and TV versions of The Boys in the Band. Both of them are mega hot, Powell is shirtless, their arms are amazing, and their kiss really does look like it could have come out of some vintage gay porn, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m picturing Bette Midler in a Netflix musical about QEII, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Again, it all made sense in my head. And yet I’m not the one being told to turn off my brain. I can’t – I need all of my faculties to maintain www.BillyMasters.com – the site that doesn’t entertain you with any hocus or pocus. If you’d like to give me a poke or two, e-mail Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before any of my sexual partners take up knitting. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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