Hold the presses!  The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame just announced that they will be inducting Cher this year.  There’s just one problem – Cher has stated categorically she’s not interested.  “You know what?  I wouldn’t be in it now if they gave me a million dollars.  I’m never gonna change my mind.  I mean, they can just you-know-what themselves.”  Let’s see if Cher is a woman of her word…

When we’re waiting to see if Cher accepts in person (I bet she does), we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  If you were in the Fort Lauderdale area last week, you may have seen Billy frolicking in the sun and surf.  But now, back to reality.  While I clean the sand out of my numerous crevices, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has nothing to hide.  If you have a question you’d like to ask, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I have an orgasm on the Priscilla bus and fall asleep…again!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Lots of you asked this week’s Ask Billy question.  The first e-mail we got on this topic was from Rodney in NYC: “Is there any truth to the rumors that Andy Cohen is going to be fired from Bravo?”

Last week, In Touch Weekly ran a story about issues between Cohen and several Bravo-lebrities.  Due to these concerns, the rag claimed the network was negotiating a severance package.  While there have indeed been issues, I don’t believe any of them are big enough to warrant Andy leaving his dream job – at least not voluntarily.  By Thursday, the whispers got loud enough for Bravo to issue a statement.  “There is absolutely no truth to this story in that tabloid, obviously made up by a source who is not credible.”  Of course, no source is credible – until what they say comes to pass.  One must give Cohen credit for building an entire network lineup almost solely dependent on him.  While nobody’s indispensable, I think his job is pretty secure.

Of course, Priscilla went on to become a very popular live stage musical – in some ways, more popular than the film.  But not all stage adaptations are as successful.  Many have had varying degrees of success on the road to Broadway.  I told you that a stage version of My Best Friend’s Wedding will bow at the Ogunquit Playhouse this fall.  But there are some other shows opening before that.  Chicago has been a popular city to try out new musicals.  The next one opening there is a toe-tapper based on Death Becomes Her.  It opens at the Cadillac Palace Theatre on April 30^th and stars our bon ami Christopher Sieber alongside Jennifer Simard – who previously played his wife in Company.  They are joined by Megan Hilty and Michelle Williams.  No word yet if Meryl Streep’s showstopper “Me” from the film will find its way into this adaptation.  To not have it would be a crime of infinite proportions.  While we wait, you can get more details at DeathBecomesHer.com.

Atlanta will see the world premiere musical version of The Preacher’s Wife.   The Alliance Theatre has this one opening on May 11^th.  Music and lyrics come courtesy of Tituss Burgess, the show is directed by Michael Arden, and Loretta Devine takes on the role of Julia’s mother – made famous in the film by the scene-stealing Jenifer Lewis.  That sounds pretty captivating to me.  Tix at AllianceTheatre.org.

Obviously Fiddler on the Roof is not a new musical.  But it is getting a new production at the La Mirada Theatre…courtesy of producer Cathy Rigby and her husband.  And Jason Alexander takes on the iconic role of Tevye, the beleaguered milkman.  I have high hopes for this – unless there’s a new scene where Golde sings “I’m Flying!”  Performances begin November 8^th.  You can grab tickets and details at LaMiradaTheatre.com.

In all of the years of writing this column, very few stories have truly surprised me.  But here’s one I didn’t see coming.  A sequel to the film The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is in pre-production!  Stephan Elliott directed the original flick 30 years ago.  Not only has he remastered the original for the anniversary, he says this sequel is a go.  “The original cast is on board, I’ve got a script that everybody likes, we’re still working out deals…It’s happening”.  In case you need reminding, that original cast includes Terence Stamp, Guy Pearce and Hugo Weaving.  All three have said for years they’d do a sequel, but nobody could come up with a plausible scenario.  “I thought, what am I going to do?” says Elliott.  “Stick them on a cruise ship, stick them on a train?  You name it, over the years I’ve been pitched Priscilla 2 in spades.”  Forget about the ship or the train – fans want to see the bus.  Fear not, says Elliott.  “Don’t worry.  The bus will feature.”  PHEW!  Stay tuned.

Showbiz is a cutthroat business.  Even in Provincetown – our quaint little enclave on the tip of forever.  You think everyone there gets along?  Think again.  After years of entertaining the masses with world-class performers, Mark Cortale announced that the Provincetown Art House would be no more.  The owner planned to turn the space into a microbrewery – ‘cause that’s what Ptown needs!  Last year was the final season of entertainment, and Cortale promised to continue producing large shows at Town Hall.  Now it’s time for the various venues to announce their shows for the upcoming season.  And what arrives in my inbox?  A press release from…the Provincetown Art House!  While we don’t know what machinations went on, I noted with interest that one of the producers is drag artiste Ginger Minj – someone who was introduced to Ptown fans under the aegis of…wait for it…Mark Cortale at the Ptown Art House!  I am not so naïve as to not understand business.  If you own the Ptown Art House and want to bring in a new promoter, just say something like, “We want to go in another direction.  Instead of Marilyn Maye, we want drag queens.”  Admittedly, not a huge leap.  But, the underhandedness seems to be uncalled for.

Cortale’s Town Hall series will include Audra McDonald, Seth Rudetsky, Jinkx Monsoon, Cheyenne Jackson, Denée Benton, Bianca Del Rio, Melissa Errico, Marilyn Maye, the Indigo Girls, and Claybourne Elder – who’s really hot and talented, but has a name right out of The Crucible.  You can get more info at PtownTownHall.com.

I’ll have more Provincetown dates as they trickle in, but I should mention that the Provincetown Theater will soon kick off their 30^th anniversary season with Angels in America, Part 1: Millennium Approaches.  Remember when the millennium was something we thought was so far away?  And here we are, glancing at it in our rearview mirror!  This is a special project for artistic director, David Drake, who has oft wanted to direct it.  He’s got his wish…and a talented cast to boot.  The run begins on May 9^th, and you can get more details at ProvincetownTheater.org.

Could it be that someone who has been in the news recently is somewhat dismayed by his physical appearance?  When he was filmed under professional circumstances (including good lighting and a snappy outfit in a questionable color), guys and gals alike reached out and wanted to touch parts of him best left untouched.  In slightly more recent footage which he filmed on his own…well, let’s just say the response was underwhelming.

When our blind item’s singing a different tune, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Speaking of tunes, we survived the total eclipse of the sun.  I don’t know about elsewhere, but in Boston it got a bit overcast for half an hour.  Certainly nothing worth waking Bonnie Tyler up for – which begs the question, where is she?  While I look into that, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that isn’t opposed to kissin’ cousins.  If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before someone offers to pay Wynnona for sex!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

As we went to press, we heard a story about Wynnona Judd’s daughter, Grace Kelley.  And let’s just pause for a second to think about how ridiculous that is.  Back to our regularly scheduled program.  Grace Kelley was arrested for indecent exposure and also charged with prostitution.  She was arrested at a busy intersection where she reportedly “exposed her breasts and lower body”.  I’m no expert on female anatomy, but I believe she was basically giving away the whole kit and caboodle!  Proving that the apple doesn’t fall far from the palomino, Kelley claims she can’t get in touch with Wy, who has allegedly changed her phone number.  “My mom won’t listen to me.  She won’t believe me.  She thinks I’m out here doing crazy shit,” says Grace Kelley in an interview with the New York Post from prison.  If that isn’t the very definition of “crazy shit”…

When Obama was running for president, talk radio legend Lynn Samuels (a devoted Hillary supporter) was asked if this was progress.  After all, he was a black man.  “Yeah, but he’s still a man!”  You know how we’ve all been praising Pope Francis for his progressive views?  Yeah, but he’s still a Pope.  And that came through loud and clear this week when the Vatican released Dignitas Infinita (or Infinite Dignity) – a 20-page document that was personally approved by Pope Francis.  In this doctrine, the Vatican denounces gender reassignment by saying, “It needs to be emphasized that biological sex and the sociocultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated” – whatever the hell that means.  On the flip side, Franny does maintain his support for homosexuality.  The report condemns “the fact that, in some places, not a few people are imprisoned, tortured, and even deprived of the good of life solely because of their sexual orientation”.  The Catholic Church also continues to oppose abortion, euthanasia, and even surrogacy.  And this got me thinking – if Jesus was the son of God, then wasn’t Mary kind of a surrogate?  Unless some hanky-panky went on and Joseph just bought that whole “immaculate conception” story.

You wouldn’t expect a related story from The Beastie Boys.  But they’ve revealed that Rat Cage Records was founded by Donna Lee Parsons – a trans woman who wanted to get surgery.  She signed the Beastie Boys for their first shows and recordings.  Knowing Donna wouldn’t accept charity, the band gave her money that they said was royalties from their EP.  She used the cash for gender reassignment surgery.  That she died of colon cancer a year later I’m sure cannot be linked back to the Beastie Boys – at least not in a court of law.

“Did you know we can’t marry our siblings?  Why can’t we?  We love each other.”  
– Sara Haines, The View co-host, relates a question her daughter asked. 
Trust me, kid, in time you won’t want to talk to your siblings, let alone marry them!

We kick off with a story from a Tennessee politician – so get ready for some learnin’.  Republican Representative Gino Bulso is advocating that first cousins should be allowed to marry if they receive genetic counseling.  Personally, I’d recommend some sort of sterilization procedure.  Bulso claims his argument is bolstered by the legality of same-sex marriages.  “Unless anyone in this body can articulate a compelling interest to deny a male first cousin from marrying a male first cousin, this bill demonstrably violates Obergefell and we should vote it down.”  Presumably, first cousins shouldn’t marry because if they procreate, it could lead to genetic issues.  Exhibit A – the British royal family.  Sometimes, you’ve got to let the chromosomes come up for air!  But Bulso has a dog in this fight – he revealed that one set of his grandparents were first cousins.  Well, call me Lassie because, guess what?  My parents are also cousins.  Close your mouths – not a single one of you is shocked by that.  I hasten to add that Big Momma and Big Daddy are not first cousins.  They are cousins through marriage.  I’m not really good on terminology, so I don’t know exactly what that makes them.  The term “hillbillies” springs to mind.

I wonder what would have happened if Don Lemon and Tim Malone tried to get married in Tennessee?  Would Representative Bulso have officiated their tying the knot?  Or would he have tied a noose?  Either way, congrats to Lemon and Malone on their nuptials.  But I feel compelled to point out that Don Lemon is 58 while Malone is barely 40 – and I say “barely” because they wed on Tom’s 40^th birthday.  Following the ceremony, the couple danced down Fifth Avenue from the Presbyterian Church to the Ralph Lauren Polo Bar.  That way, the religious folks were happy, the WASPs could shop, and everyone else drank.  Cheers!

What would the Vatican think of The Golden Bachelor?  I’ve had roses last longer than this marriage – brief by even Kardashian standards.  And the breakup is because they can’t decide which house to live in?  I have three houses, and it’s never been a problem.  Then again, I gave up on the franchise once they jettisoned Chris Harrison.

Thank God we have an Ask Billy question.  Last week, Dorian in Miami asked, “What do you know about Tyler Cameron?  I hear he’s starting an OnlyFans page.  Will he be nude?  Is he gay?  Or bi?  You must know some T.”

Alas, I am T-free on Tyler.  I know that he has an incredible body and was quite appealing on The Bachelorette.  He obviously has designs on further fame given his participation on the reality competition Special Forces.  In fact, he’s signed a deal to have his own show.  Going Home with Tyler Cameron will debut on April 18^th and can be seen on Prime Video.  And Tyler certainly knows what he’s doing.  The show’s tagline is “Going home with me is easier than you think.”  I’ll be the judge of that.  Given his model good looks, he’s done more than his share of racy shots – some of which show a bit more than others.  In fact, we’ve seen mostly everything, including his butt.  Dorian ain’t the only guy interested in Tyler.  Andy Cohen once asked if he’d ever do OnlyFans.  “No…I’m for the people.  It’s free.”  Apparently a bit of fame has led him to change his tune.  Tyler has just launched an OnlyFans page, and it’s most certainly not free.  But we’ve got some of his racier content on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m considering downsizing and going home with Tyler Cameron, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  While I figure out the logistics of cohabitating, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’s cheaper than OnlyFans (and probably shows more, too).  If you have a question you want me to tackle, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I plan my estate sale.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Last week, my darling Shirley Jones celebrated her 90^th birthday.  This reminded me of an amusing story she shared in her 2013 autobiography, Shirley Jones: A Memoir.  Apparently she and her then-hubby Jack Cassidy once dined with another couple – Joan Collins and Anthony Newley.  After dinner, Shirley claims that Tony proposed the foursome get naked and watch some porn.  “It was clear what Tony was leading up to – swinging,” says Mrs. Partridge.  Dame Joan was outraged and had her lawyers send out a cease-and-desist letter, demanding that the book be pulled from the shelves.  While that didn’t happen, Simon & Schuster did agree to have Joan’s name excised from future copies.  The third printing still contains the anecdote, but simply refers to Shirley’s dinner companion as “some dame”.  Collins claims, “We all make mistakes.  I’ve made a few myself, but not with Mrs. Jones.  I’m a serial monogamist.”  Shirley says retraction or not, that’s what happened.  Happy birthday, Shirley!

Someone I know absolutely nothing about is Sean “P. Diddy” Combs.  Although, believe it or not, we’ve had dinner together.  Years ago, we sat together at an event honoring Jenifer Lewis.  Much as I am good at chit-chat, I don’t think the topics of sex trafficking or predatory behavior ever came up.  I thought about this after I heard that two of Puffy’s houses were raided by Homeland Security.  And let me add this – when Homeland Security is involved, they ain’t playing.  Let me also channel Big Mama Masters by saying he’d probably be in less trouble if he only had ONE house.

Of the numerous stories that surfaced, one caught my eye.  Music producer Rodney Jones is suing Puffy and Cuba Gooding Jr. for sexual assault.  Rodney, known in the business as “Lil Rod” (an unfortunate moniker, no matter how you slice it), claims that Combs forced him to hire sex workers and engage in sexual acts.  He alleges that Diddy was “grooming him to pass him off to his friends”, including Cuba.  It all came to a head (so to speak) on Diddy’s yacht in the Virgin Islands last January.  The two were left alone and, according to Rodney’s complaint, “Cuba Gooding Jr. began touching, groping, and fondling Mr. Jones’ legs, his upper inner thigh near his groin, the small of his back near his buttocks and his shoulders.”  My Lord, I’ve gotten less action with people I’ve actually dated!  It only ended when Rodney “forcibly pushed him away” – presumably before he got too close to his “lil rod”.  Something tells me this is only the tip…’cause, as you know, most men can’t just stop at the tip!

“Fantasize about me however you want to.  I really don’t mind.”  
– Ricky Martin.

Excuse me if I’m a bit emotional.  I just listened to a particularly torturous episode of Shannen Doherty’s Let’s Be Clear podcast where she talked about selling her home in Tennessee and some of her things in storage.   Why?  She wants to make things easier on people after she dies.  Not that Shannen is dying anytime soon.  But, y’know – cancer schmancer.  And this got me thinking.  Like Shannen, I live in multiple dwellings.  Who in God’s name is going to end up with the Fort Lauderdale beach house?  Let’s not even think about what they’ll find when they go through my Beverly Hills (adjacent) abode.  Should I start selling things off?  Or at least hire someone to do a deep cleaning…if not an exorcism?  Oh, Shannen, you’ll be the death of me!

While I’m promoting podcasts, let me tell everyone to check out Steve Kmetko’s latest effort, the Still Here Hollywood podcast.  He’s been inching back to public life and has done a handful of shows with some celebrity guests.  Strangely enough, most of them were on the sitcom Wings – like Tim Daly, Steven Weber and Amy Yasbeck.  While Stevie’s opened up to Yasbeck about his fall from prominence on E!, fans of Billy Masters LIVE! already know some of these stories because he’s opened up to me – repeatedly.  You’re welcome.

I couldn’t be more delighted to see my pal Wilson Cruz on The View last week promoting the final season of Star Trek: Discovery.  He was as feisty as ever, and found a kindred spirit in co-host Sunny Hostin.  On the podcast The View: Behind the Table, Wilson asked Sunny a question about her frequent support of trans rights.  Turns out, Sunny grew up around many transgender people.  Not only was a trans woman one of her mom’s best friends, she’s also Hostin’s godmother!!  Just one of the tidbits you’ll get on this great podcast that I listen to every day.

The opening quote for this week’s column was almost this: “I know how to use my femininity” – says Kristen Stewart.  Billy Masters asks, “What femininity?”

Remember the movie Titanic?  Oh, if only I had those 72 hours back!  Remember the climatic scene?  When big, strapping Kate Winslet hoists herself onto a door, and holds the hand of little waifish Leonardo DiCaprio, crying, “I’ll never let go, Jack” – only to cast him off without a second thought?  Well, that very door just sold at an auction for over $700K!  Winslet has decided the time is right to defend Rose dumping poor Jack to his icy death: “So, you’ve heard it here for the first time.  Yes, he could have fit on that door, but it would not have stayed afloat.  It wouldn’t.”  I recall Rex Reed writing about their love scene when the film first came out by saying something like: “It was like watching a Chihuahua trying to mount a Golden Retriever.”

When we don’t have time for an Ask Billy question, but we can fit in a questionable bestiality quip, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  And what a long column it was.  I barely have time to remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’ll show you a lovely bunch of coconuts.  If you have a question you’re confident will fit in, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we find out if Vicki Principal is in hiding with Shelly Miscavige.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Last week, I posted my review of the Broadway revival of Stephen Sondheim’s Merrily We Roll Along.  I am pleased to report that I contributed to the show recouping its $12 million capitalization.  Although I was at the Saturday matinee, a notable star attended the Sunday matinee – Jennifer Lopez.  J-Lo (and her crew) attended because her child Emme wanted to see the show.  I say “child” because I’m not exactly sure how to refer to Emme.  While Emme was born female and the headlines about going to Merrily say, “Jennifer Lopez and Her Daughter Emme Enjoy a Date on Broadway”, I seem to remember other articles saying that Emme is non-binary and eschews feminine pronouns.  Jennifer refers to her twins as “Coconuts”, but I don’t think I could use that term – particularly since Big Daddy Masters used to bathe me while singing, “I’ve Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”.  But that’s a story better left between me and my team of therapists.  It should be mentioned that accompanying the photo of Emme hugging Merrily star Jonathan Groff, People magazine used the term “they”.

Here’s a story I hate to even bring up – because I know, and you know, and even Liza knows it was a typo.  But what a typo it is!  On April 13^th, the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles is mounting Michael Feinstein’s latest venture – Rainbow: The New Judy Garland Musical.  Not only has he put this show together, he’s in it!  I wouldn’t be surprised if Liza shows up – which makes this all the more juicy.  The press release issued by the Center Theatre Group (parent company of the Taper) said the following: “The show is executive produced by Michael Feinstein and Liza Minelli.”  Don’t they know?  It’s Liza with a “Z”, not Lisa with an “S”, ‘cause Lisa with an “S” goes Ssss not Zzzz.  It’s “Z” instead of “S”, “Ly” instead of “Lee”.  It’s simple as could be.  See, Liza.  It’s “M” “I” double “N”, then “E” double “L” “I”.  You double up the “N” that’s Nnnn not “Nu”.  Then “E”, double the “L”, end it with an “I”.  That’s the way you say “Minnelli”!

Rebel Wilson’s memoir is being released this week.  In Rebel Rising, the funny lady doesn’t hold back.  In an Instagram post, she teased the following: “When I first came to Hollywood, people were like, ‘Yeah, I have a no asshole policy, that means like, yeah, I don’t work with assholes.’  I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I mean that sounds sensible or logical. But then it really sunk in what they were meaning by that, older people in the industry.  Because I worked with a massive asshole, and, yeah, now I definitely have a no assholes policy.  Chapter on said asshole – it is chapter 23, that guy was a massive asshole.”  I might have hit my “asshole” quota for the entire year with this one paragraph.  Once word of this chapter got out, someone threatened to sue.  Rebel said, “I will not be bullied or silenced by high priced lawyers or PR crisis managers.  The asshole that I am talking about in ONE CHAPTER of my book is: Sacha Baron Cohen.”

Rebel played Sacha’s wife in the film The Brothers Grimsby.  Anyone?  Hands?  I haven’t seen the flick or, for that matter, read Rebel’s memoir.  But Wilson claims that Sacha “pressured” her to appear nude and “do other unsavory things”.  Cohen’s team claims that all intimate scenes “adhered to guidelines and contractual requirements” and “these alleged asks were recorded by the cameraman on a film set for a movie, and followed a script that had been approved by all the actors.”  All this fuss over a movie I never even heard of!

The cover story of last Friday’s Hollywood Reporter asked a seemingly simple question: “Would You Wait Six Hours for Priscilla Presley’s Autograph?”  I can give a seemingly simple response: “No!”  The article is about The Hollywood Show – a place where fans get to meet their favorite stars.  It used to take place at the Beverly Garland Hotel – back when Beverly Garland was relevant…and alive!  Now it’s at the Burbank Marriott.  The lineup of celebrities this year included several notables from Dallas (both incarnations).  Before you ask, nary a Principal in sight.  Why isn’t anyone worried about where she is?  She either looks really bad, or is in the Witness Protection Program.  Someone who did show up was Miss Presley (née Beaulieu), who had a long and winding line of fans that was compared to one of the more popular rides at Disney.  One of her assistants said, “She will stay until the very last person leaves.  She’s like that.  She won’t disappoint.”  Unless you’re a relative who comes between her and an inheritance, in which case I would advise you to sleep with one eye open.

A week earlier, Priscilla showed up at the very last public performance by Tony Orlando.  This took place at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut.  Priscilla wasn’t there out of love for Tony; she just happened to be doing her one-woman show in the same theatre the next night.  Tony was joined for part of the concert by his old singing partners, Telma Hopkins and Joyce Vincent, otherwise known as Dawn.  Fun fact – Telma and Joyce were not on the first recordings of the group.  Back then, anonymous studio singers were used.  Eventually, the ladies were cast as Dawn and stayed with Tony until 1977.  They’ve reunited occasionally over the years and Tony couldn’t say farewell to live performing without them.  I watched most of the video from this concert and realized the only songs of his I knew were the ones with Dawn – whoever they were at the time.

One of Tony Orlando and Dawn’s hits was “Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose”, a poignant song about a suburban mom who runs off to become a stripper, or a hooker, or a porn star – I was never quite sure.  But I thought of the song when I read that convicted murderer Gypsy Rose Blanchard has broken up with her post-prison hubby after three months of wedded bliss.  After a while, you can’t sleep with one eye open.  Ask Lisa Marie!

Could it be that one of the fellas in this column is looking for companionship outside of his high-profile coupling?  Not a big deal since that twosome has an “arrangement”.  Don’t ask, don’t tell.  They play separately – never together.  And this guy has a pattern.  I’ve heard of circuit training, but this is ridiculous.  Life really does imitate art.  Given his past, I knew his prey would be young.  But half his age?  Or is it a third?  I’m not great at math.

When some play dates need to be tucked in, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  I’ve obviously traded in the balmy Southern Florida coast for the frigid Northeast just in time for the first day of spring.  While I’m awaiting the arrival of my beloved daffodils, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site where things are always popping up.  Should you have a question, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the kiddies are old enough to read my reply.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I spent last weekend in NYC and, shocking as it may seem, even Billy Masters sometimes has to pay for it.  It’s true, I’ve spent more money on Jonathan Groff than I have on most exes.  But that’s what you do to secure a ticket for the acclaimed Broadway revival of Sondheim’s Merrily We Roll Along.  The musical’s backward chronology has always been problematic.  You meet the characters at a point where they have achieved some success at great personal loss, and then you go back in time to see them as young idealistic kids filled with hopes and dreams.  Having a cast that embodies youthful exuberance and world-weary dissolution helps.  Groff is as lost here as he was in Spring Awakening.  But the boy has become a man – by, ironically, playing a boy.  While he’s gotten the lion’s share of praise by critics, one can’t underestimate the work of Daniel Radcliffe and his fearless enthusiasm and boundless talent (to say nothing of the twinkle in his eye).  If Lindsay Mendez doesn’t have a standout musical moment, her strong presence permeates the show.  A lesser actress could kill the alchemy of this trio.  This may be the best company assembled for a problematic show.  And that alone makes it a must-see – even at these prices.

Meanwhile at Lincoln Center, the play Corruption dramatizes the British hacking scandal of 2011 that threatened to bring down the Rupert Murdoch empire (as if).  The play by J.T. Rogers is dense and a tad overly ambitious.  I wondered if people who didn’t follow the story when it happened would be able to follow the many twists and turns.  It is almost like a stage documentary – and that’s not a bad thing.  In a time when we are fed a steady diet of real crime dramas on television, this play serves to not only entertain but enlighten.  There is nary a weak link in the large cast, and the production is compelling (and, my God, the stagehands should be paid extra).  Halfway through the taut second act, a few chilling points are made.  First, the “bad guys” aren’t all bad and the “good guys” make some bad decisions.  And, despite protestations to the contrary, the public likes tabloid journalism.  Without it, hard-hitting journalism cannot survive.  A somewhat cynical viewpoint, but perhaps one not so far off the mark.

The point of my trip was to see Charles Busch’s latest oeuvre at Primary Stages.  Ibsen’s Ghost focuses on the days following the death of Henrik Ibsen (who is currently represented on Broadway in an acclaimed revival of An Enemy of the People).  Subtitled “an irresponsible biographical fantasy”, Busch stars as Suzannah, the Widow Ibsen, who is as fetching and salty as a piping hot plate of kippers.  Suzie is quite concerned about securing herself a place in history rather than just a footnote.  While a healthy knowledge of the Norwegian playwright is helpful, it is not a prerequisite.  This is a loving homage to Ibsen through Busch’s elevated and elegant lens.  Frequent collaborators populate the proceedings – including the scene-stealing Jen Cody, the always-effective Jennifer Van Dyck, the still-hunky Thomas Gibson, the versatile Christopher Borg, and the legendary Judy Kaye.  The stylish costumes and wigs, effective lighting, tasteful set design, and appropriate interstitial music are all under the effortless direction of Carl Andress.  But if it isn’t on the page, it isn’t on the stage.  As usual, Busch delivers.

To catch either of these off-Broadway plays, you must be fleet of foot.  They both close on April 14^th.

Speaking of TV duos, Neil Patrick Harris and Tuc Watkins just got a bit of bad news.  You’ll recall they starred as exes in the Netflix series Uncoupled back in 2022.  After a single tepid single season, the show was cancelled.  Then Showtime picked it up for a second season.  And then – the double whammy of the writers’ and actors’ strikes.  Now, two years later, Showtime feels what little momentum there was is gone.  And, poof, cancelled again.

There’s some good news for Tuc’s real-life partner.  After playing the role of Jim Bakker in the world premiere of the musical Tammy Faye in London last year, Andrew Rannells is poised to reprise the role when the musical opens on Broadway this fall.  He’ll be joined by his London co-star, Katie Brayben.

Everyone is talking about the docuseries Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV.  For our purposes, you can skip to episode three, which focuses on Drake Bell.  I’m a bit too old to have seen Drake & Josh, but I do know it was a show on Nickelodeon.  Drake was 14 when he met dialogue coach Brian Peck on The Amanda Show.  The following year, Drake says that he woke up one morning on Peck’s living room couch and found Peck sexually assaulting him.  He doesn’t go into specifics, except to say he found himself in this and other compromising positions repeatedly for about a year.  Eventually, Drake told his mom what was happening, and they went to the police.  Drake then called Peck on a recorded line and got him to confess.  Brian Peck was charged with sodomy, forcible penetration, and using a foreign object.  There was one curious additional charge – “employment of a minor for pornography”.  Brian pled no contest to a lewd or lascivious act and oral copulation of a person under 16.  He spent 16 months in prison.  Drake was referred to as “John Doe”, and the case was sealed.

Now that the court documents have been made public, we learn that several people wrote letters on Brian Peck’s behalf.  While it’s unclear how much these people knew about the specific charges, there are letters from people like Taran Killam, Rider Strong, Alan Thicke, and even Joanna Kerns.  What troubled me most was one from James Marsden.  “I know Brian very well and I know how much he has suffered since August of 2003.  Brian is a good person with a very healthy fear and respect for the law, and I assure you, what Brian has been through in the last year is the suffering of a hundred men.  I don’t intend to victimize Brian, nor would he ever wish that, but I do feel compelled to shed light on the fact that he has learned his lesson.  I guarantee you, the earth would fall from the sky before Brian would ever think about doing something like this again.”  This begs the question – Huh?

Since Drake’s disclosure, people have gone out of their way to attack Josh Peck (no relation) – the Josh in Drake & Josh – for not supporting his former co-star.  Drake then issued a statement: “I just want you guys to know that he has reached out to me and it’s been very sensitive.  But he has reached out to talk with me and help me work through this.  And has been really, really great.  So just wanted to let you guys know that and to take it a little easy on him.”  Josh then said (in part), “I reached out to Drake privately, but want to give my support for the survivors who were brave enough to share their stories of emotional and physical abuse on Nickelodeon with the world.  Children should be protected.”  This is not a sentiment shared by everyone.  After his release from prison, Brian Peck was hired by the Disney Channel to work on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody.  At least he has a type!

A sad codicil to this story is that Drake Bell has had numerous subsequent run-ins with the law.  In addition to DUIs and child endangerment charges, he pled guilty to sending inappropriate texts to a 15-year-old girl in 2017.  He feels this behavior stems from his abuse as a child.  He’s since been in various treatment and therapy facilities.

Our Ask Billy question looks back to those long-ago Oscars.  Randy in Chicago says, “I loved the John Cena streaker bit at the Oscars.  Is there any behind-the-scenes footage?  Was he actually nude?  I figure you’d know.”

I do know.  Of course, even without knowing, I would have known.  I suspect most people who would be invited to appear on the Academy Awards wouldn’t be the type of people who would want to be nude on the Academy Awards.  Even John Cena – longing as he may be to have his name linked in any way with the Oscars – is not that person.  He is also not so acclaimed as an actor to not go for a laugh, particularly a laugh in which he gets to flaunt his almost-flawless physique alongside his somewhat less-developed comedic chops.  Cena was wearing what is known in the biz as a “modesty garment” (and not the type those nice Mormon boys wear).  This flesh-colored panel adheres directly to one’s skin to provide the illusion of nudity – to say nothing of the genitalia of Ken (of Barbie fame).  Although we’ve previously seen his ass in all its glory, we are happy to share some behind-the-scenes stills of Cena’s modesty on BillyMasters.com.

When the only one with something to hide is John Cena, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Happily, there’s enough dish to go around on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that has nothing to hide.  I’ll be in Fort Lauderdale this week, but I’m always here to answer your questions.  Write to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before any garment I don protects my modesty!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Have you heard about Allstora?  RuPaul’s new online bookstore?  In a video from March 4^th, Ru said “Allstora is supporting authors, it is supporting you – all voices, everywhere.  This is a platform that I am in love with because the conversation needs to move forward, it really does, through books, through conversations, through community.”  A week later, it was discovered that Allstora was carrying several books by anti-LGBTQ authors.  Works by people like Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Kirk Cameron, and other “luminaries” that I have somehow never heard of.  Well, except for Adolf Hitler, whose Mein Kampf was available for purchase in both English and German…for those of you who enjoy a foreign tongue.  CEO Eric Cervini took the blame.  “While a library should fulfill its civic duty of making all perspectives, however abhorrent, available to all, the environment I envisioned for Allstora was one that made its guests feel safe.  In building that space, I failed…While other online bookstores will continue selling hate-filled books, Allstora will not.”

Which leads us to a story about someone taking lemons and attempting to make lemonade…literally.  When Don Lemon announced his new show would be on Twitter/X, everyone thought he was crazy.  Then he booked the craziest person he could find as his first guest.  And when Elon Musk bristled under the scrutiny of Lemon, they parted ways.  How anyone thought this venture would end differently is a matter for the theologians.  I saw this coming a mile away (so did Kara Swisher, as it turns out).  Lemon now reveals that his show was never under Musk’s purview – he made that revelation on The View.  It was a partnership.  Lemon claims to own the footage, which will still pop up everywhere – including on X – on March 18^th.  Something tells me there is more to this story, even if it ends with Don Lemon being sued or collecting unemployment!

You’ve all heard about Rose Hanbury, right?  The woman Prince William allegedly had an affair with?  As if the Royal Family doesn’t have enough problems.  Meanwhile, Kate Middleton is in an undisclosed location (probably with Shelly Miscavige), recovering from God-only-knows what.  How many of you believe that on her way to the throne, Princess Kate took an online Photoshopping course.  Hands?  I didn’t think so.  But I’m supposed to believe that in the middle of a medical crisis, the future Queen of England decided to do some digital manipulation on a photo of her and her kids – a photo where she’s not sporting a ring.  And she’s able to edit photos, why can’t she release a video statement?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, Macduff!  “But who is Rose Hanbury?” I can hear you wistfully crying.  She is the Marchioness of Cholmondeley – an explanation that sheds virtually no light on the situation.  She’s a former model, married to David Rocksavage, and has three kids… presumably with her husband.  Her grandmother was one of Queen Elizabeth’s bridesmaids.  A while back, some of the more scurrilous British rags broke the affair rumors, pointing out that there is a long tradition of British monarchs having mistresses.  True or not, the rumors resurfacing at this time coincide with Kate’s mysterious absence.

Watch this seamless transition.  Believe it or not, the Oscars were only a week ago.  I remember, because we waited to publish this column in case something gossip-worthy happened.  Turns out, the gossip happened days earlier.  Members of Prince Harry’s court got in touch with Elton John asking for an invite to the singer’s iconic Oscars-viewing party.  The answer received was a terse, “No”.  Turns out, Elton harbors some anger ever since Harry questioned some comments in John’s autobiography – all of which turns out to be hilarious in light of Harry’s casual relationship with facts in his own memoir.  The two had been lumped in with other notable persons in a suit against the publisher of the Daily Mail.  Harry dropped his portion of the suit after allegedly being paid a substantial sum of money.  Integrity, you see, cannot be bought.  But it can be rented…for the right price.

I really don’t know what to say about Al Pacino.  This is one of those “he says/nobody says” controversies that could only be solved by Robert Stack.  In case you missed it, Pacino was the last presenter at the Academy Awards and ambled onstage with all the panache of an unmade bed.  After some forgettable comments, he simply announced that the winner of Best Picture was Oppenheimer.  No list of nominees or producers.  No formalities.  Just, Oppenheimer, and see ya.  True, he didn’t proclaim La La Land, but still…  Most people chalked it up to Al being somewhat bewildered.  However, Pacino explains that he did not botch the assignment – he simply was following orders.  “There seems to be some controversy about my not mentioning every film by name last night before announcing the Best Picture award.  I just want to be clear it was not my intention to omit them, rather a choice by the producers not to have them said again since they were highlighted individually throughout the ceremony.  I was honored to be a part of the evening and chose to follow the way they wished for this award to be presented.”  His explanation seems to hinge on the presumption that the awards show was running long.  Problem is that host Jimmy Kimmel had just said that they were ahead of schedule.  Producers have remained mum on the subject – and I would expect them to either continue that tacit solution or to back up what the legendary star said.  Personally, I suspect we have an Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator situation on our hands.

“I didn’t marry, Robin.  And I didn’t give birth to children. 
I married Nature.  Nature’s my husband!”  
– Jenifer Lewis tells ABC’s Robin Roberts about her near-death experience in Africa.

Many people think that since I write this type of column, I can’t keep a secret.  Of course, being able to keep a secret is precisely why I’m still doing this after almost three decades.  A perfect example was when Jenifer Lewis went public last week regarding her near-death experience deep in the heart of the Serengeti.  For those who missed it, the Black-ish star took a harrowing 10-foot tumble off the balcony of her hotel in Tanzania and was almost mounted by a herd of cape buffalos – admittedly, something a few of my readers might enjoy.  That she was able to keep details secret – complete with being carted away by Maasai warriors, airlifted out of the country by Doctors Without Borders, enduring a nine-hour surgery in Nairobi, three blood transfusions, and six days in ICU – is not the most remarkable part of the story.  That I have kept my mouth shut for over two years – well, that’s something!  I wouldn’t do that for just anyone.  My brave, strong, talented friend Jenny might have fallen.  But she got up!  You can watch the full interview here.

It’s an old showbiz joke.  Jenifer Lewis occasionally uses it in her shows.  She’ll get a standing ovation, and then point to an imaginary person in the back row.  “Why aren’t you getting up?  I don’t care if you’re in a wheelchair – GET UP!”  Well, that always gets a laugh.  But it was no laughing matter when Madonna – not a laugh riot under the best of circumstances – chastised someone in the front row of her Vancouver concert last month.  “What are you doing sitting down over there?”  Madonna had a spotlight put on Vanessa Gorman, who happened to be in a bright pink wheelchair.  “Oh, okay.  Politically incorrect.  Sorry about that.  I’m glad you’re here,” backtracked the Material Girl.  Vanessa happens to be a paraplegic.  She recently responded to all of the criticism Madonna got over the issues.  “Some people are in wheelchairs and can stand.  She had no idea I was paralyzed.”

I know you’re all waiting for me to talk about the Oscars.  Well, what can I say?  I really liked Ryan Gosling’s hair.  What can I say?  The fewer buttons he buttons, the happier I am.  Oh, and I liked his tribute to Marilyn Monroe – which most people seemed to have missed.  Beyond that, I dunno – it was fine.  Da’Vine Joy Randolph proved that support CAN be beautiful.  And, OK, John Cena’s not much with words, but who cares?  John Mulaney needs a haircut.  At one point, I thought it was gonna start raining in the theatre.  I never realized that Billie Eilish is the Christiane Amanpour of music.  I think I might have slept with her brother.  Am I the only one who thinks Ariana wasn’t there and it was Frankie under all that tulle?  And, fun fact – Helen Mirren in her Golda Meir makeup looks exactly like Anna Wintour clean scrubbed!

In honor of the Academy Awards, a special “Could it be…” item:

Could it be that a certain nominee was sporting a little less stubble at the ceremony?  It all started when his “girlfriend” was pissed off that she wasn’t going to be his plus-one…like she had been all awards season.  By then, she had already served her purpose.  Or not.  Our boy shaved his beard quicker than you can say, “See you next Tuesday” – which I believe is how missy got famous in the first place!

When our blind item is always a bridesmaid (literally), we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Could I give the Academy a tip?  It might be smart to explain to all future presenters that one must either read or allow the announcer to read all of the nominees before tearing into the envelope and proclaiming a winner.  If you are a film buff, or simple a fan of buff film stars, head on over to www.BillyMasters.com, the site where everyone’s a winner.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I show up anywhere with Big Mama Masters.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I have been riveted watching Celebrity Big Brother.  No, you haven’t missed something – this is the UK version of the series.  Watching requires quite a bit of fiddling with my dish – something I do with alarming regularity.  But I simply couldn’t wait to see the reunion of Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh – who you may recall were part of the judging dream team on The X Factor (also UK).  Shazza’s not an actual competitor.  She’s what they call a “lodger”.  She gets her own room, cannot be evicted, and has a hand in picking who goes (Kate Middleton’s uncle Gary was the first out).  We hear Osbourne was paid roughly $100K a day – which is why she’s only scheduled to stay in the house for the first week.  Again, Ka-Ching!  This led to an unexpected development.  Sharon’s candid opinions about celebrities (in and out of the house) have made her incredibly popular with viewers – so popular that there is a campaign to start a GoFundMe page in order to raise enough money to keep her on the show!  Stay tuned.

There’s no shortage of gay representation in the Celebrity Big Brother house.  While none of the gays are my cuppa tea, let’s briefly chat about Bradley Riches – who you know from Saltburn or the UK series Heartstopper.  He’s also the youngest person in the house.  If memorable CCB vet Jackie Stallone were still with us, she’d call him “the little boy”.  That little boy has a little edge over his competitors.  For the past few months, he’s been spending a lot of time with Jordan Sangha and Henry Southan – two gay housemates from the most recent non-celebrity installment of Big Brother.  Did they give Bradley some tips?  Perhaps they both slipped him the tip.

Once again, Queer Eye is in the news.  The week began with allegations that Tan France colluded to get Bobby Berk booted in order to get Jeremiah Brent hired.  This wasn’t a stretch since we know there had been tension between Berk and France.  Tan took to Instagram to proclaim his innocence.  “My former colleague getting fired had nothing to do with me trying to get my friend hired.”  Which begs the question – Bobby Berk was fired?  I thought he said he simply didn’t renew his contract.  Things that make you go, “Hmm”.  A couple of days later, Rolling Stone ran an exposé alleging that Jonathan Van Ness is a “monster” and has “rage issues”.  Ten former members of the production were interviewed, and they claim Van Ness is “emotionally abusive”.  Juicy!

I understand Madonna’s reasoning for touring without a band.  Ka-Ching!  But it does make for an awkward moment – like when she invited Kylie Minogue onstage in Los Angeles.  Obviously there’s a significant age gap.  But how does Kylie in the audience at a concert look more camera-ready than Madge onstage?  Sure, there’s copious amounts of makeup on both.  On one hand, you have Madonna in her too-short hot pants, braids, cowboy boots and hat.  On the other, Kylie is wearing a vintage Madonna shirt and Capri pants.  Seeing them standing together onstage invoked an image of a future touring company of the musical Grey Gardens!  And then, God help me, Madonna pulled out that guitar.  You know for weeks she worked on the handful of chords needed for “I Will Survive”.  See, you don’t have these problems when you employ union musicians.  But the presence of some synth or cello in the background belies the spontaneous presentation of this musical summit, which was obviously scripted within an inch of its life.  The duo segued into a few acapella bars of Kylie’s “Can’t Get You Out of My Head”.  I hope at the very least they comped her ticket!  Of course, you can see the full performance on BillyMasters.com.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Henry in Chicago: “What will happen to Queer Eye now that Bobby Berk has left?  Will there only be a Fab Four?”

Have no fear – he’s already been replaced.  And, one could argue, Netflix has traded up.  Joining the cast for season 9 is Jeremy Johnson, who you probably know as Jeremiah Brent.  When and why he changed his birth name is one of those unknown mysteries – like the purpose of the Sphinx.  Aside from being quite a looker, the only thing I know him from is being Mr. Nate Berkus…and, frankly, how long or thick a resume do you think that requires?  Don’t answer that!  Come to think of it, this is not his first replacement gig (well, second if you count his personal life).  Jeremy/Jeremiah was previously hired by Bravo to replace Brad Goreski when he left The Rachel Zoe Project.  That was a somewhat ignoble experience.  He lasted eight episodes, during which he was hired, fired, and rehired – only to not return the following season.  Which begs the question – do these reality show experts actually know anything?  Or are they simply people who are cast based on their looks?  While researching Johnson/Brent, I see these two jobs, and then see a list of magazine covers he’s graced.  Is he good at anything other than looking good?  Trust me, I don’t say that as if it isn’t a full-time job.  But, you know, some of us read!  If you wanna read and look at a bunch of pretty pictures, go to BillyMasters.com.

When Jeremiah Brent has a real name and a stage name, we’ve definitely got something to look into as we end yet another column.  You know who else has two names?  Porn stars and escorts.  You don’t think…nah, probably not.  But I’ll look into it while you check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that uncovers the most interesting things.  If you have a question or wanna just slip me a tip, dash a note off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Jeremy/Jeremiah replaces ME…or I replace him!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I recently told you that Jinkx Monsoon would reprise her history-making portrayal of Matron “Mama” Morton in the Broadway production of Chicago this June.  But she’s got another high-profile gig coming up before that.  Starting on April 2^nd, she’ll be playing Audrey in the off-Broadway production of Little Shop of Horrors.  While certainly a plum assignment, this one is not completely unprecedented.  Back in 2019, the then-billed Mj Rodriguez played the role of Audrey at the Pasadena Playhouse.  OK, perhaps that was even more eventful – a trans woman of color.  But good for you, Jinkx.

The Elton John musical version of The Devil Wears Prada has undergone many rewrites since its lackluster debut in Chicago back in 2022.  For the oft-delayed London premiere this fall, producers have enlisted the aid of a real diva – Vanessa Williams.  It’s perhaps a bit on-the-nose.  After all, Wilhelmina Slater on Ugly Betty was basically a rip-off of Miranda Priestly in Prada.  But at least we know Vanessa can play the role.  More than a few critics have noted that in Chicago, the role of Andy was played by a black woman.  This led to many reviews focusing on Miranda being mean to a black underling – thus injecting a racial undertone.  Now that we have a Miranda of color, what will that dynamic be like?  Or will Andy now be Caucasian?  And what would that mean?  Frankly, it’s all too exhausting.

Another person headed to the British stage is Todrick Hall.  He’ll be starring in a new musical based on the tepidly received Cher flick, Burlesque.  He’ll be playing the role of Sean – which was played onscreen by Stanley Tucci.  Both Steve Antin (director and writer of the film) and Christina Aguilera (film co-star) are producers of this new incarnation, which will have its world premiere at the Manchester Opera House in June.  We’re also told that the show will feature several songs by Todrick, Aguilera, Sia, Diane Warren, and others.

Eagle-eyed Madonna fans noted a minor change in her show.  During “Live To Tell”, she has a photographic montage of people who have succumbed to HIV-related illnesses.  Recently that montage was suddenly missing singer Luther Vandross.  When asked, Madonna’s camp confirmed the change, saying that representatives from the Vandross estate objected to his being included.  It should be noted that Vandross never confirmed he was gay or HIV-positive.

Someone who is certainly out is Andy Cohen.  The Bravo honcho is still reeling from Brandi Glanville’s suit which we discussed last week (look it up on BillyMasters.com).  This week, he’s being attacked by Leah McSweeney – who, I must say, I’ve never heard of.  Apparently she’s a former Real Housewife of New York City, and she’s filed a suit against Cohen.  In it, she calls Bravo “a rotted workplace culture that uniquely depended on pressuring its employees to consume alcohol.”  Hard to argue with that.  She then specifically targets Andy by saying that he “engaged in cocaine use with Housewives and other Bravolebrities that he employs.”  Well, I’m SHOCKED.  Shocked that any legal document includes the word “Bravolebrities”!  She goes on to say that although the defendants knew she had an alcohol problem, they “colluded with her colleagues to pressure Ms. McSweeney to drink, retaliated against her when she wanted to stay sober, and intentionally failed to provide reasonable accommodations that would aid her efforts to stay sober and able to perform.”  Here’s my problem with that – if I tell you to jump off a bridge and you do it, is that my fault?  You have free will.  OK, I probably wouldn’t say it to someone with diminished cognitive issues.  And if I’m not mistaken, that’s a prerequisite for Bravolebrities!

“A tiger and a little bit of meth I can make MGK gay.” 
– Joe Exotic posts a photo of Machine Gun Kelly with this inscription. 
Frankly, I probably wouldn’t be trying to turn anyone with a gun!

This column almost opened with a quote from Oklahoma State Senator Tom Woods – who, needless to say, is a Republican.  Last week, at a public forum, he was asked something which deserves to be quoted in its entirety: “Is there a reason why you won’t answer about the 50 bills targeting the LGBTQ community in the state of Oklahoma?  If you are ashamed of those bills, they shouldn’t be there?”  Senator Woods said, “We are a religious state and we are going to fight it to keep that filth out of the state of Oklahoma because we are a Christian state – we are a moral state.”  I must have dozed off at some point because I do not recall anything religious when I saw Oklahoma!.  And I’m not entirely sure some states are religious and others are atheist.  But, loyal fans know that when this column began over a quarter of a century ago, it was called “Filth”.  So thank you, Mr. Woods, for the shout-out!  But, it should be noted, he is correct – my column never appeared in print in Oklahoma.

History was made at Mar-a-Lago last week – it hosted a gay wedding!  Now, I don’t know if this was the first gay wedding at the venue – but I’m fairly certain Marjorie Merriweather Post knew her share of gays!  We’re told that Donald Trump gave his personal approval for the ceremony to take place.  That’s probably because the guys getting hitched were Dan Medora and John Sullivan.  Sullivan happens to be the vice chairman and treasurer of the Log Cabin Republicans of Tennessee, and posted the following: “Huge thank you to Donald Trump for giving us the green light to have our wedding at the beautiful Mar-a-Lago club.”  While Trump has been known to pop in unexpectedly on private events at the club, he skipped this one.  He probably was worried he’d catch the bouquet!

This reminds me of a story we had to cut a few weeks ago due to space limitations.  A man who is a devotee of our former president decided to get a tattoo of Trump on his arm.  Except after posting it, most people pointed out that it looks more like Ross Mathews.  Oh, the irony!

Don Lemon just hit the jackpot.  According to reports, CNN must pay him an early termination fee in the amount of $24.5 million!  Is it just me, or is he suddenly looking more attractive?  The payoff is based on the time he had remaining on his contract.  Still, I’d bet he’d rather not have the money and be on CNN instead of heading to X/Twitter!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Don in San Francisco: “I heard that my all-time porn crush Landon Conrad is making a comeback.  Is this true?  What made him come back after so long?”

This is the least offensive thing in my column!  Many people have great fondness for Landon Conrad, who has been popular since his first porn in 2009.  Then suddenly, around 2015, he took a break.  He hinted at a comeback in 2022 and, in late 2023, he filmed Global Entry: Mexico for Naked Sword (NakedSword.com).  In fact, his first scene just dropped last week.  I’m pleased to report that Landon is hotter than ever and shows off his versatility south of the border.  As to why he came back, he says people kept asking him – including on line at Starbucks!  “I look a little bit different than when I first came out.  I’m more of a daddy now.  I’m definitely embracing that.  I’m in better shape now.  I think I physically look better.  So why not?”  Why not indeed?  If his first scene with Aldo Guti is any indication, he’ll be around for a long, long time.  You can see him in action on BillyMasters.com.

When Landon and I are both returning to our gay porn roots, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Faithful fans know I used to cover gay porn much more in the old days.  I even had Billy’s gay porn posse.  Of course, back then we had actual stars.  Now, anybody with a webcam is a gay porn star.  But Landon is the real deal.  So is www.BillyMasters.com, the site that never offends.  Feel free to send your questions along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before this column comes with a “trigger warning”.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Brandi Glanville was offended by Andy Cohen and is trying to get Bravo to fire him.  And her argument would probably result in the termination of a heterosexual producer – and we did fight for equality.  In 2022, Cohen sent Brandi a video saying he wanted her to watch him having sex with Kate Chastain, who was on Bravo’s Below Deck.  Andy claims it was a joke – which is obvious since he’s always presented himself as a “gold star gay”.  However, Brandi felt it was not only inappropriate but a harassing video.  Glanville’s lawyers put it in more legal terms: “Any boss who is clearly inebriated encouraging their employee by facetime video to watch their boss have sex with another employee, constitutes sexual harassment, plain and simple, under any definition even one concocted by NBC.”  Yes, it was obviously a joke.  But, as they say, rules is rules.

I am certainly no medical doctor – although I’ve slept with more than my share.  But I’m gonna tackle this Wendy Williams situation.  Full disclosure – a family friend had frontal lobe dementia, so while not exactly what Wendy has, this is something I know a bit about.  The causes of dementia are unclear, but frontal lobe issues are exacerbated by alcohol and drug abuse.  Last week, Williams allegedly went public with a diagnosis of aphasia and frontotemporal degeneration.  I say “allegedly”, because I have no idea who is speaking for Wendy.  Unless I see her say it herself, I don’t know – and even if I see her say it, I still ain’t so sure.

Last weekend, Lifetime aired the documentary, Where is Wendy Williams?.  Many people have criticized the network for airing this show.  Well, that offends me – because Wendy signed the contract for this and is an executive producer, which means she also got paid handsomely.  I presume so did her son, Kevin Jr. – he’s also listed as an executive producer and participated.  I’m not sure if Kevin Sr. got paid, but I bet money exchanged hands.  Yes, you might say Wendy’s not in her right mind to make those decisions.  Except she signed this contract pre-2020.  Back then, she had a three-project deal with Lifetime.  The first was a dramatization of her life, Wendy Williams – The Movie.  At the same time, she did a documentary called, Wendy Williams – What a Mess!.  This latest doc fulfills her contract – and is also a mess.  It should be noted that it began shooting just after her show got cancelled (June 2022) and ended when she was admitted to an unknown “facility” (April 2023).  As to the content, that could be another full column.  While I would like to hope I’m wrong, I think we all know how this story ends.

If people don’t want to be offended, they shouldn’t get out of bed.  Wise advice from your humble scribe.  This is apropos of a story regarding “trigger warnings” for the UK tour of the classic musical My Fair Lady.  For those of you who didn’t digest every second of the Rex Harrison/Julie Andrews original cast recording, let me tell you that the musical is set in Edwardian London – not an era known for equality.  Women had no rights, classes were more delineated, and poor people were happily dancing in the street!  The Old Vic warned that the show contained “portrayals of abuse, abusive language and coercive control”.  This is not unprecedented – the Broadway revival of 2018 “softened” the ending – because why would a woman come back to the man who mistreated her?  Last year’s revival of The Sound of Music warned that it “touches on Nazi Germany and the annexation of Austria…viewers may find certain themes distressing.”  Then don’t go!  Ralph Fiennes doesn’t believe in any warnings.  “The impact of theatre should be that you’re shocked and you should be disturbed.  I don’t think you should be prepared for these things.”  In other words, if you are someone who is offended by a work of art, STAY HOME!

Kirk now and in his prime (right). Why, it’s almost criminal

I’m a bit offended by this next story.  On one hand, Kirk Cameron is crazy as a loon and looking more weathered.  On the other hand, he has residual cuteness and is entitled to have whatever opinions he chooses.  Frankly, I’m more offended by what time has done to his lovely visage.  Anyhoo, Kirk is launching a new series geared toward children.  “Parents and grandparents are sickened and tired of their children being attacked by the woke wolves of Hollywood.”  Are they?  Frankly, I found three things offensive in that statement – but I just picture him shirtless in his prime and, poof, I got over it.  The show is called Adventures with Iggy and Mr. Kirk.  Do you know how I’ve longed to call him Mr. Kirk?  Who is Iggy?  He’s a puppet.  So, Kirk is on a show that espouses fisting – not that I’m judging (I’m mildly titillated).  He lost me when he told Fox News, “It’s not just time to take back our libraries and literature.  It’s time to take back every area of culture that these animals have devoured.”  First, I haven’t devoured anybody in weeks.  Second, why are people always talking about taking things back?  Isn’t there room enough for all ideologies?  If you want to espouse Christian values standing next to a guy up to his elbow in felt, be my guest.  If I want to support drag queens reading to kids, fine.  If you don’t want your kid around the drag queen, keep them home.  And if I don’t wanna see you with a puppet…well, who am I kidding?  I’ll be watching.

This beautifully leads into an Ask Billy question I’ve been sitting on for a few weeks – so to speak.  Dan in Miami asks, “Do you know this internet model who goes by the name Peachyboy?  He’s gorgeous – but I don’t know anything about him.  Has he done porn?  Is he gay?  And what’s his name?”

Do I know Peachyboy?  Have you met me – he’s exactly my type.  Sure, he’ll be bald in a few years, but the haircut definitely helps.  Not only is his body perfection, his face is dreamy and he has a British accent.  He’s exactly like me – except for the body, the face, and the accent!  OK, so he doesn’t kiss.  The good hookers never do.  And, sure, he might not have the biggest dick in the world.  But I betcha his perfect ass could definitely take it.  Tricky camera work stops us from seeing actual insertion.  But we do have video of him taking things bigger than most human penises with ease – and he seems to enjoy it.  Does that make him gay?  Nope – but it sure makes him open.

So, who is he?  His name is Sam.  He’s a fitness model and “influencer”, although what he is influencing is unclear.  He first popped up on British TV way back in 2016 on a show called The Lie Detective, where he was confronted by an ex-girlfriend Sophie who was angry he didn’t come to visit her in the hospital after a horse accident – and, no, I’m not making that up (we have the video).  At the time, he was an AC repairman.  While his fitness photos and videos got loads of attention, he’s honed his focus on gay men and makes what people would call “bait content”.  He plays the game, comes off almost completely asexual, and mostly courts the attentions of other very fit men.  There have been videos with some gay porn stars which mostly show them working on his ass with their fingers, tongues, and toys.  When criticized for being gay-for-pay during a video Q&A, he quipped, “If you think I am 100% straight, you are SO wrong!”  He certainly seems charming and sincere – but I’m a sucker for an accent (even if that really isn’t my thing).  I know what my fans want to know.  Yes, like many of the people in this week’s column, he’s on OnlyFans.  He can also be found on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m suddenly in the mood for cobbler, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  And I ain’t talking about an old man working on my boots – although I do have a pair that needs a bit of resoling.  While I’m looking into that, you should look into www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’s got plenty of soul.  If you have a question, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before any of these OF boys pays me a commission – and I do accept nature’s credit card.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Olympian Tom Daly has a new partner.  Noah Williams is taking over as Tom’s synchro diving partner since Matty Lee is out with a back injury.  The newsome twosome are getting along famously and have all but qualified for the 2024 Paris Olympics after taking the silver at the World Championships in Qatar.  To seal the deal, Tom knitted Noah one of his famous “cock socks”.  When asked how he knew what size to make, Daly said, “I go by the one-size-fits-most rule.”  When Noah said, “Are you surprised I’ve actually worn it a few times?” Tom responded, “No, I’m not.  I think you actually posted a photo on your OnlyFans”.  Oh, yes, Noah’s got an OnlyFans account.  One reporter had the nerve to ask Tom if Noah is his type – a curious question since Tom is married to occasional auteur Dustin Lance Black.  I think we know what his type is, although variety is the spice of life.  Tom answered, “I like broad shoulders.  I like a swimmer’s physique.  Because that was what drew me to Lance in the first place, the fact that he was so wide at the top and then narrow.”  So, is that a maybe?

Noah ain’t the only Olympian with an OnlyFans page.  In fact, he isn’t even the only Olympic diver on OnlyFans.  In fact, he isn’t even the only Olympic diver connected to Tom Daley on OnlyFans.  In fact…oh, you get the idea.  Daley’s former partner Matty Lee has a page.  So do fellow British divers Daniel Goodfellow and Matthew Dixon.  Aussie diver Matthew Mitcham also has one – and he has the distinction of also being gay.  Speaking of gay, I think we’ve previously told you about New Zealand rower Robbie Manson.  I don’t believe any of them have shown what’s inside their Speedos – at least not up front.

Did I tell you about the gay porn star who was involved in the January 6^th tourist jaunt?  Steven Miles is a member of the Proud Boys – which I thought was the name of a gay porn flick!  Previously, he “performed” under the name Sergeant Miles for Michael Lucas.  He was identified after posing for a photo with a woman, to whom he bragged about entering the Capitol building by breaking a window.  The woman became an FBI informant, and remembered some details about Miles and his “companion”.  After pleading guilty to all charges, he was sentenced to two years in prison for “assaulting, resisting, or impeding a law enforcement officer.”  Miles, who is married to a woman, said he was “humbled and humiliated” by his actions.  I expect he’s in for two more years of humbling and humiliation.

Last year, Jinkx Monsoon made history by being the first drag queen to play Matron “Mama” Morton in the Broadway company of Chicago.  In a bit of history repeating, Monsoon will return to the role for a limited run – June 27^th through July 12^th.  Not a bad way to celebrate Gay Pride in New York City.

A wise person once said you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and then you have the facts of life.  Come to think of it, it wasn’t a wise person.  It was Gloria Loring.  Whatever.  We’ve already told you the good, now we have to report the bad.  The show My Son’s a Queer (But What Can You Do?) has been a hit in London, and was slated for a Broadway run.  This solo show was scheduled to open February 27th.  And yet, at this very late date, the producers announced plans to delay the opening until next year.  Something to do with money, I suppose.

Another show has announced intentions of reigning over the Great White Way next year – The Queen of Versailles.  It is based on the documentary of the same name about the life of beauty queen and TV personality Jacqueline “Jackie” Siegel.  The Boston tryout starts on July 16th for a limited five-week run.  This new musical will star Kristin Chenoweth and has been written by Wicked composer Stephen Schwartz, who I’m told wanted Chenoweth.  Tickets go on sale to the general public on February 28th at 10AM at EmersonColonialTheatre.com.

I want to applaud the Ogunquit Playhouse for their commitment to presenting new works.  True, many of these shows have had no life beyond the rocky Maine shore, but I’m still glad I saw them.  This season, they’ll be producing the world premiere of a musical version of My Best Friend’s Wedding.  Now, doesn’t that sound like a hit?  As long as they don’t screw up the book.  Not only is it a perfect vehicle for a stage show, but the songs come from the Burt Bacharach–Hal David catalogue – including “I Say a Little Prayer”, “Walk on By”, and “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again”.  It runs September 26 – October 27.  More details can be found at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Kurt in Cambridge: “Everyone is talking about the Drake video, but I haven’t been able to find it.  Do you have it?  Is it real?”

For those of you who don’t know, a video leaked of Drake allegedly “pleasuring himself” on a bed that looks exactly like the bed on his private jet.  So, yeah, I think it’s him.  During a concert last week, Drake even said, “The rumors are true.”  I don’t know how hard it is to find, but you certainly could grab ahold of it at BillyMasters.com.

When we’ve got our hands on Drake, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  In fact, this column needs two hands!  For all that and more, check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’ll never leave you dangling.  If you have a question you need answered, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Usher shows us what’s under his Skims.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Meanwhile, things are not so hunky-dory for a comparatively young lady.  Tyne Daly was scheduled to return to Broadway in a high-profile revival of Doubt (co-starring Liev Schreiber).  Previews were scheduled to begin on February 3^rd, but tragedy struck.  “Ms. Daly was unexpected hospitalized on Friday and unfortunately needs to withdraw from the production while she receives medical care; she is thankfully expected to make a full recovery,” said the Roundabout Theatre’s vague press release.  Previews ended up beginning on February 4^th helmed by Tyne’s understudy, Isabel Keating.  Then it was announced that Amy Ryan will take over the role on my birthday, February 13^th.  Since this is a short run (it closes on April 14^th), Daly rejoining the cast is in…well, doubt.

This week, 90% of the news coverage was about two elder statesmen (emphasis on the elder part).  But what caught my eye was when I heard that Danny Masterson was denied bail while awaiting his appeal.  The wording of Judge Charlaine Olmedo’s decision was…well, curious.  “If defendant’s conviction and sentence are upheld on appeal, he will likely remain in custody for decades and perhaps the rest of his life.  In light of the fact that defendant has no wife to go home to, defendant now has every incentive to flee and little reason to return to state prison to serve out the remainder of his lengthy sentence should his appeal be unsuccessful.”  I hear that Scientology’s diminutive head honcho, David Miscavige, has not returned any of his calls.  And I’m sure the same goes for Shelly Miscavige.  But on the positive side, I hear Danny’s mighty popular in his cell block!

Speaking of people with legal troubles, there’s some surprising news about Kevin Spacey.  We hear that he’ll be appearing at the Mad Monster convention in Concord, North Carolina on February 16-18.  And he’ll be in good company.  Hottie John Schneider, who called for Joe Biden to be publicly hung, will also be in attendance.  Maybe that’s why Spacey is going – all he heard was “John Schneider” and “hung”!  I dunno how much you have to pay to get a photo with Kevin, but whatever it is, it’s a bargain!  Plus, he needs the money.  While he was originally ordered to pay the producers of House of Cards more than $31 million, he got them down to $1 million – which can be paid in installments.  I’m told the reduction was due to medical documentation that Spacey was in no condition to film due to mental illness, so now the insurance company is kicking in.  Still, I see many more cons in his future – in one way or another.

If you’re Joan Collins doing a book signing of your latest memoir, Behind the Shoulder Pads near Beverly Hills, what do you do?  You invite some of your favorite galpals, naturally.  Those fabulous females included Juliet Mills, Donna Mills (no relation), Stefanie Powers, Jane Seymour, Jerry Hall and Alana Stewart.  They even posed for a photo, and how lucky that they all still show up on film!  Add up their ages, and it’s positively biblical!  And it’s on BillyMasters.com.

I enjoy Bill Maher and am a fan of Real Time.  I particularly like his “New Rules”, but had a curious reaction to a recent installment where he complained about people in the music industry having invoking both violent and materialistic imagery.  While I agreed with him, I found the timing of this rant curious because earlier in the same program, his guest was Killer Mike.  I am not familiar with The Killer’s oeuvre, but the timing was…well, curious.  That Mike was charged with misdemeanor battery after winning three Grammys only added to my…curiosity.

The big story at the Grammys was the appearance of Celine Dion – who has been routinely reported to be close to death.  I’m not saying she’s the picture of health, but I thought she looked fine – certainly by Celine standards.  Sure, she bore a striking resemblance to Madame Khrushchev when she appeared onstage in her coat, but maybe she was cold!  That was always the excuse Nikita’s wife used.  Meanwhile, everyone made much of Taylor Swift’s apparent disregard for the legend.  Now, I am no Swift apologist.  I think there’s a dark side to the pop star that most people haven’t seen – well, I bet John Mayer and at least two of the three Jonas Brothers have seen it.  Anyway, I hear that people at the Grammys were told to not get too close to Celine.  Of course, that doesn’t explain why Swift didn’t even glance at her onstage, but at least they took a photo backstage.

Every time she thinks she’s out, they pull her back in.  I suspect this is how Belinda Carlisle feels about The Go-Go’s.  Despite frequently stating the band will never perform together again, they always do.  In her defense, it usually takes a really good cause – like the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or helping one of the other members pay an overdue electric bill.  This time, it was to be inducted into the California Hall of Fame, which I actually had no idea even existed.  Not only did all five ladies fly in for the event, they even performed.  While the performance portion was not telecast, you can see some of their acoustic set on BillyMasters.com.

During the pandemic, Dolly Parton considered abandoning plans for a stage musical about her life in favor of a biopic.  But here she comes again.  “Nah, everybody’s doing a biopic!  I’m going back to Broadway now that it’s open.”  As to who could play her (it should be noted that she approved of the casting of Megan Hilty in the stage version of 9 to 5), she thinks it’ll take more than one person to fill her ample…shoes.  And she’s taking some inspiration from The Cher Show – maybe she’ll have a “little Dolly”, an “earlier years Dolly” and an “older Dolly”.  She’s also open to discovering new talent.  “They may never have been on stage before, or maybe in some local theater somewhere.  But we’re going to look for them and that’s going to be part of the fun, I think.”

Speaking of country legends, I’m sure you all saw Reba McEntire sing the National Anthem at the Super Bowl – and how clever of her to avoid high notes and sing it in Barry White’s key!  But that’s just the beginning.  She’s planning a return to sitcom life and has interest from NBC (where she already appears on The Voice).  The show, still in development, will find Reba inheriting her father’s restaurant, which she’ll co-own with the half sister she never knew she had (I can almost hear Melissa Peterman warming up now).  To make Reba feel even more comfortable, it will be executive produced by Kevin Abbott, Michael Hanel and Mindy Schultheis – who were all executive producers on The CW’s Reba series.  You throw in the fantastic Christopher Case (also an executive producer on the show), and you might have a winning combination.  NBC has ordered a pilot – the first official pilot order for next season.

In the nick of time, we have an Ask Billy question from Patrick in Chicago: “What happened with that reunion Madonna was supposed to have with [former backup singers] Niki and Donna?”

Oh, it’s a sad, sad story.  Everything I’m going to say at this point should be put under a huge “allegedly” umbrella.  What I hear is that someone close to the ladies (allegedly, closer to Donna) reached out to Madonna to say the girls would love to go to the Madison Square Garden show on January 29^th.  Why that show?  Because the duo, who perform as Niki + Donna, would have just wrapped up their weekend gigs at The Green Room 42, just down the street from MSG!  We’re told that Madonna happily set up tix for her former colleagues in the front row.  Fans were excited that there might be some onstage reunion.  However, not only was there no reunion, there was not even an acknowledgement from the stage.  We hear the gals didn’t even get invited to the post-show party.  Why?  Well, after the tix to the concert were arranged, someone allegedly showed Madonna videos of the duo performing some of her songs…and, let’s just say she was not happy.  So, while there had been an idea brewing of a reunion onstage to judge the “Vogue” dance-off, Madonna instead invited up her pal Kelly Ripa.  Oh, the humanity!

I heard that the UK docuseries Panorama recently did an episode called The Abercrombie Guys: The Dark Side of Cool.  I sat down with my popcorn, ready to watch, when all of a sudden I said, “That’s David!”  Yes, on the screen as one of the primary talking heads was David Bradberry, who had a litany of stories to tell.  But, full disclosure – because I’m sure someone will find photos of us on the Internet – yes, I was close-ish with David shortly after the events he talks about in this doc.  Many of you probably remember him from Below Deck.  Getting back to the doc, it’s primarily about Mike Jeffries, former CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch and possible victim of some sort of palsy.  What this cyclops-esque guy seemed to want more than anything was to look like an A&F boy.  What’s the next best thing?  Surrounding yourself with A&F boys in various forms of undress.  Say what you will about Jeffries, he did transform a stodgy company into the “it” brand for a decade or so.  Once his peccadilloes became public, he was pushed out and the brand became more diverse and approachable – to the point that nobody slows down by an A&F store anymore, let alone goes in.  The other model interviewed is the lovely Barrett Pall – who I don’t completely believe or trust.  Each of the guys interviewed were clear that while they felt they had to “perform”, they were never forced to do anything.  And they were always paid for their “services” – and all had some sort of background in payment for sex on some level.  To the best of my knowledge, none of them ever ended up working for A&F formally.  But some of them did get flown to parties around the world.  And got shaved…but that’s another story.

If you’re not listening to Shannen Doherty’s podcast Let’s Be Clear, you’re really missing out.  So far, she’s chatted with Jason Priestley, her cancer doctor (and Liza’s bff) Lawrence Piro, and Charmed co-star Holly Marie Combs – who chatted about why Shannen got fired.  They reveal that Alyssa Milano made formal complaints claiming that Doherty created a “hostile workplace environment”.  Alyssa allegedly gave the network an ultimatum – “it’s her or it’s me”.  In response, Milano firmly stated, “I did not have the power to get anyone fired”.  She added, “I’m the most sad that a show that has meant so much to so many people has been tarnished by a toxicity that is still to this day, almost a quarter of a century later, still happening.  And I’m sad that people can’t move past it.”  Easy to say when you weren’t the one fired!

Getting back to Shannen’s podcast, one of her guests was pal Chris Cortazzo, realtor to the stars.  They spent time talking about Doherty’s funeral – as one does.  Shan said she wants it to be a party – and would like it to take place in her house.  As to the guest list, she was pretty clear.  “There’s a lot of people that I think would show up that I don’t want there.  I don’t want them there because their reasons for showing up aren’t necessarily the best reasons.  Like, they don’t really like me and, you know, they have their reasons, and good for them.  But they don’t actually really like me enough to show up at my funeral.  But they will, because it’s the politically correct thing to do and they don’t want to look bad.  So I kinda want to take the pressure off them and I want my funeral to be like a love fest.  I don’t want people to be crying or people to privately be like, ‘Thank God that bitch is dead now.’”

Which leads us back to Alyssa Milano.  Her latest scandal seems to be one of her own making.  It started with her 12-year-old son’s basketball team’s GoFundMe page, which was raising money for a trip to Cooperstown, NY.  Being a good mom, Alyssa shared the campaign on Twitter (now known as X, but I really hate typing that).  “Any amount would be so greatly appreciated.  You can read more about the team and make a donation.”  Well, people got angry.  One person wrote, “Imagine being so out of touch that you ask your followers to contribute money to your child’s trip when you have a net worth of 10 million dollars.  That is gross.  Pay for it your own damn self.”  I was totally on Alyssa’s side – why should she pay for all these kids?  Teach them that they have to raise it themselves.  Then I discovered that Alyssa actually started the GoFundMe campaign – under her married name Alyssa Bugliari!  I don’t know what disappoints me more – that she did this, or wasn’t clever enough to cover her tracks?  Have we learned nothing from Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman?

I don’t know what caught my eye first.  The headline, “Queer Couple Found Guilty of Horrific Murder of Gay Couple’s Son” or the photo of the unphotogenic assailants.  This crazy crime took place in San Francisco – surprising those of you who think these things only happen in Florida.  Gerald Rowe and his trans partner, Angel Anderson, met up with 23-year-old George Randall-Saldivar and had a sexual encounter with him in the Donnelly Hotel – an establishment primarily populated with low-income and homeless people.  Amazingly, surveillance video from the apartment captured all of the gruesome details.  After the sex, the couple attacked George with a machete – which I don’t believe you can buy with food stamps!  Randall-Saldivar was placed in a noose and tethered from a pulley hanging from the ceiling – think of Dabney Coleman in 9 to 5.  I won’t get into the rest of the details – which included pliers, a plastic bag, some fentanyl, a suitcase, and a guitar.

Yet another passenger died on the latest Atlantis cruise.  Initially details were slim.  All Atlantis would say was that there was a death and it was “unexpected and not suspicious”.  We now know that person was Jonathan Mindrum from Chicago.  Whispers on the ship claim he died after taking some fentanyl-laced Ecstasy that he bought on board.  His father called Jonathan a “brilliant person as a professional consultant and thinker”.  Enough said.

Meanwhile across the pond, the fabulous Jennifer Saunders was filling in as guest judge on the UK version of The Masked Singer.  After a stirring rendition of “Le Freak” by Chic, the panel had to guess the identity of the singer, called Bubble Tea.  Guesses ranged from Miriam Margolyes, to UK presenter Fearne Cotton and even Jane Horrocks, who played Bubble on Absolutely Fabulous.  Saunders thought it might be Geri Halliwell – that’s Ginger Spice to you.  Once the mask was removed, Bubble Tea was revealed to be Julia Sawalha – Saffron from AbFab.  “Oh my God,” exclaimed Saunders.  “Mummy!” said Sawalha.  “Darling, what are you doing?” ask Jen.  “I have no idea!” said Julia – who, it should be noted, sang in the AbFab film.  Saunders added, “You got yourself in a mess…but you were very good.”  You can check it out on BillyMasters.com.

Could it be that oft-rumored-about guy really REALLY wants that Oscar?  He wants it bad…so bad that he’s rekindled something that was never kindled to begin with.  He’s tired of always being a bridesmaid and never a bride (although he briefly had one).  That’s what happens when you’re constantly being teased by your mother.

When someone’s ambitions are limitless, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  This was a long one.  If there’s one thing we will remind everyone, it’s that not everyone wins the gold – some have to suffice with the silver.  And, for Pete’s sake, don’t try and convince us of anything with a professional beard.  Before picking a mate, check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that can tell the difference.  We didn’t have room for an Ask Billy question.  But if you have one, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you – even if you use an alias!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

This week, two unlikely people showed off their vocal talents.  The first instance happened on January 19^th.  The scene was the US Conference of Mayors Winter Meeting at the White House – which we all somehow missed.  Someone in attendance was Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, who will forever be known as Mayor Pete.  Not a bad way to be remembered, until one considers being a former mayor with a national platform didn’t work out so well for Rudy Giuliani!  Be that as it may, President Biden noted the former mayor’s presence when addressing the crowd.  Someone obviously told him that it was Buttigieg’s birthday (and while it may not look difficult, try and say “Buttigieg’s birthday” three times fast).  “Pete turned 30 today,” said Biden – obviously using hyperbole in accentuating Pete’s youthful appearance.  “My wife, she has a tradition in her family – and on everybody’s birthday, you’ve got to sing ‘Happy Birthday’.”  What a curious tradition.  And, how strange that my family does the same thing as Dr. Jill’s.  It’s almost eerie.  “So,” continued Joe, “stand up and let’s sing ‘Happy Birthday’.”  And then the president led a somewhat tuneless sing-along.  Happy Birthday, Mayor Pete!