Daytime TV is in freefall.  What’s most shocking is that The View is the most stable of the bunch.  All they have to do is fill Meghan McCain’s seat – a task nobody seems in a rush to do.  Having Sherri Shepherd fill in last week reminded people what a valuable and versatile co-host she is.  But I don’t anticipate Sherri moving back east anytime soon.  And if she did, it would probably be to take over for Wendy Williams!  Wendy has delayed her season premiere TWICE because of complications after contracting the coronavirus (last spring, she told Dr. Oz she would not get the vaccine).  That triggered a flare-up of her Graves’ disease.  Producers are now scrambling for guest hosts through Thanksgiving – and I can tell you exclusively that Sherri will host the first week of November.

On the West Coast, we have The Talk – or the daytime version of The Titanic.  The show was down to two hosts – Sheryl Underwood and Amanda Kloots.  Talk about re-arranging the deck chairs!  Then they hired two guys – whose names are unimportant (except one of them was asked to leave The Talk to take over Wendy).  Then, without any warning, they hired recently departed Today show reporter Natalie Morales.  That pissed off Underwood – who never wanted to moderate, but had been enjoying ruling the roost after ousting Sharon Osbourne.  I’m told Morales was sprung on the cast as a fait accompli – which is French for “If you don’t like it, leave”.

Does every superhero have to have homosexual tendencies?  Not that I’m complaining.  Sure, they’ve got perfect, rippling bodies that they exhibit in form-fitting spandex, Lycra, or some other kind of fishnet stocking.  But I’m sure some straight guys could fall into that category – although none immediately spring to mind.  The latest superhero joining our ranks is Superman.  No, not the classic Superman.  We’re talking about Jon Kent, the son of Clark Kent and Lois Lane.  Funny, I always thought he was Superboy – but I suppose that’s a moniker that doesn’t have a long shelf life.  Here’s what DC Comics said: “Following a scene where Superman mentally and physically burns out from trying to save everyone he can, Jay is there to care for the Man of Steel.”  Jay is Jay Nakamura, a longtime friend of the superlad.  The twosome share a kiss next month.

Not everyone is applauding this news.  Dean Cain, who played Superman in the ‘90s, happened to be on Fox & Friends when the story broke.  “They said it’s a bold new direction.  I say they’re bandwagoning.”  He continued, “If they had done this 20 years ago, perhaps that would have been bold or brave.  But brave would be having him fight for the rights of gay people in Iran where they’ll throw you off a building for the offense of being gay.”  While I’m sympathetic to oppressed people, I don’t know if they even have comic books in Iran.  Certainly not comic books with gay superheroes!

Last week, I too was in Las Vegas.  Coincidence???  Actually, yes.  I flew in to see Naked Boys Singing at the Jewel Box Theatre inside the Erotic Heritage Museum.  They share the space with Puppetry of the Penis – but the puppets had the night off.  I had to settle for five attractive and talented men singing some catchy songs that have a special place in my heart – no strings attached.  My long history with the creation and original cast of Naked Boys Singing was discussed in a special episode of Billy Masters LIVE last year (season 1, episode 41).  So it makes sense that our fall premiere features four members of this Vegas cast.  David Hernandez (a BML veteran), Matthew Ludwinski, Chris Salvatore, and Marcus Terell will join us on Thursday, October 21^st at 3PM Eastern / Noon Pacific on BillyMasters.com/TV or at YouTube.com/BillyMastersTV.  We’ll also be airing a world premiere video from the show – you won’t want to miss it.

I can’t believe it.  I completely missed National Coming Out Day.  Not that I typically do much of anything to celebrate.  It’s not like I’d chop down a tree, eat a special meal, or dress in a silly costume – I’m not from Arkansas!  No, I usually think about how fortunate I am to live in a time and place where people can be open about their sexual identity.  And then have anonymous sex with as many men as possible.  What can I say?  I’m a romantic.

It was the day after National Coming Out Day that I read about President Joe Biden condemning anti-gay legislation in various states.  That’s how you make progress.  Then I read that Carl Nassib, the openly gay pro football player, said the most important part of coming out was finding that special somebody.  See?  We have something in common.  Last night, I met a dozen special someones – none that I could identify in a police lineup, but that’s probably for the best.  Anyway, Carl said, “I just wanted to be someone’s number one priority, and I couldn’t have that.  So that was the one thing where I was like, ‘Man, I really fucking want that.’  But I got that now, so it’s good.  Oh, I met an awesome guy.  He’s the best.”

Carl declined to elaborate on who he is dating, but he did reveal that he planned on coming out a year earlier.  Blame the delay on that pesky pandemic.  While he had some trepidation about telling his story, he said, “Everyone responded so well.  I was like, ‘Damn, these are good dudes!’”  Well, not everyone.  Jon Gruden, the head coach of the Las Vegas Raiders (the team Carl plays for), sent e-mails containing homophobic, transphobic, racist and misogynistic content between 2011-18 to various NFL colleagues.  While this was long before his tenure with the Raiders, he was obliged to resign over the revelation.  Consequently, Carl took a personal day.  “He just said he’s got a lot to process, there’s a lot that’s been going on the last few days, and of course we support that request,” said the team’s general manager.

Our Ask Billy question was about someone not wearing a stitch of clothing.  Frank in Indianapolis asks, “When did Oscar Isaac appear naked?  I’ve watched every episode of Scenes from a Marriage, and I missed it.”

You aren’t the only one.  Many people have wondered where this much-discussed nude scene is.  It’s a post-coital scene when he’s talking to Jessica Chastain on the floor about needing to go “freshen up”.  It’s in episode four – roughly at the 16-minute and 39-second mark…but who’s counting?  To make it easier, you can just watch it on BillyMasters.com.

Dave Chappelle has stepped in it once again.  In his latest special, The Closer, he brought up the North Carolina law limiting use of public restrooms to the gender listed on one’s birth certificate.  When some people in the audience applauded, he said, “No, no, no, no – no, that’s not a good law.  That’s a mean law.  No American should have to present a birth certificate to take a shit at Walmart in Greensboro, North Carolina!”  He then went into a lengthy discussion regarding his history with the trans community – and what a history it is.  GLAAD said, “Chappelle’s brand has become synonymous with ridiculing trans people and other marginalized communities.”  And they’re right – kinda.  You know which group is typically Chappelle’s biggest target?  Black people.  Talk about a marginalized community!  Chappelle says The Closer is his last word on the trans subject.  “It’s over…I am not telling another joke about you until we are both sure that we are laughing together.”  Equality isn’t avoiding jokes about certain people; it’s treating all people the same.  And Chappelle does that.

We have more casting news for the Broadway revival of Funny Girl.  Nicky Arnstein will be played by Ramin Karimloo – who is not only a gifted actor and lovely singer, but possesses one of the most stupendous physiques to ever grace God’s green Earth.  While Funny Girl is not typically laden with nudity, I am hereby lobbying for the seduction scene to be done shirtless (and perhaps pantless).  The role of Mrs. Brice will be played by Jane Lynch – which I’m sure comes as a shock to people who assumed Rosie O’Donnell was a foregone conclusion.  And under the heading of colorblind, the role of Eddie will be played by the talented Jared Grimes.

And so we come to an issue nobody seems to agree upon.  When “colorblind casting” began, the intent was good – cast actors of diverse ethnicities, races, and even genders in roles where those attributes were unimportant.  It’s often called “nontraditional casting”.  Conversely, many people feel that only gay actors should play gay roles, only black actors should play black roles, etc.  Recently, Sarah Silverman joined the discussion (apropos of Kathryn Hahn being cast as Joan Rivers in an upcoming Showtime series) by saying that only Jewish people should play Jewish roles.  I, again, look at the flip side – if only Jewish people can play Jews, does this mean Jewish actors cannot play Gentiles?  Eventually we’ll be back to a point where gay actors can only be cast in gay roles.

Who would think that Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber would be the voice of reason in…well, in virtually any discussion?  He was asked about casting trans actors in musicals.  “I wouldn’t have any issue casting them, provided they could perform the role.  One’s got to think that if you had written a high coloratura soprano part, you’ve got to have somebody who can sing it.  If you’ve written a part for a deep bass voice, you’ve got to have somebody who can hit those notes.  But provided they could sing the role and you wouldn’t have to change the music, I’d have no concern at all.”  While that all sounds peachy, later in the interview he gives this critique of Madonna as Evita: “To this day, I don’t think anybody else could have done it better.”  Oh my!

“I kept hearing about Fat Bear Week and thought it was a celebration of
body positivity within a gay subculture.  It turns out it is about actual bears! 
Either way, I am here for it.”  
– Lynda Carter Tweets her support to bears – both gay and otherwise.

Back in 2009, I saw a production in London of a fascinating play featuring two very sexy young men.  They were Ben Whishaw and Andrew Scott.  And the play, by Mike Bartlett, was called Cock – often sanitized in the press as C*ck.  It was about a gay couple whose relationship is challenged when one of the men finds himself attracted to a woman.  A new version of the play will be mounted in London’s West End next March and will star Taron Egerton and Jonathan Bailey as the couple.  And it will be directed by Marianne Elliott, who is directing the Broadway version of Company.

The daughter of Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas is legally Stella Banderas Griffith.  Why?  I don’t know – that’s what the paperwork says.  Stella has petitioned the court to drop the Griffith from her name.  She says she wants “to shorten my name by removing the extra last name…As well, I typically do not use ‘Griffith’ when referring to myself or on documents.  So, dropping the name would match my regular use.”  Might I suggest Hedren?

Antonio Banderas has been keeping busy with a number of projects.  His latest film, Official Competition, was a hit at the Venice Film Festival (it co-stars Penélope Cruz).  And he’s about to embark on a new theatre project.  Back in 2019, he appeared in a Spanish-language production of A Chorus Line to inaugurate his theatre company, the Teatro del Soho in Málaga, Spain.  On November 17^th, he’ll be back onstage with the troupe, this time playing Bobby in a Spanish version of Sondheim’s Company.  Interestingly enough, on November 15^th, the gender-swap version of Company will resume performances on Broadway.

In the early days of this column, readers would often ask me to track down information about some of their favorite stars of yesteryear.  One of the most popular people was Tommy Kirk, star of Old Yeller and numerous Disney films.  He was also an early victim of homophobia.  “Disney was a family film studio, and I was supposed to be their young leading man.  After they found out I was involved with someone, that was the end of Disney.”  Although his career did indeed take a hit, he did manage to find sporadic work over the years – and became somewhat legendary for going public with his sexuality at a time when it meant career suicide.  Rest in peace.

Someone else who wrestled with his sexuality was Aaron Hernandez.  Although his story has been told ad nauseum, get ready for a new take…courtesy of Ryan Murphy.  Yes, the tight end will be the subject of a new limited series called American Sports Story.  Details to follow.

Remember when I told you that Rachel Maddow made a sweet deal with MSNBC?  Now that the details have gone public, some of her colleagues are not so happy – particularly because her $30 million contract set a record previously held by Matt Lauer (speaking of sexual assault).  Interestingly enough, the person most annoyed by Rachel’s raise is Savannah Guthrie.  She feels she’s being underutilized.  Funny, I think she’s utilized plenty.

Bad blood is nothing new in the news business.  Remember Barbara Walters and Harry Reasoner?  Or Barbara Walters and the chimp?  People usually don’t go public with their grievances until they have nothing to lose.  And that brings us to Katie Couric’s new memoir, Going There.  So rarely has one person been given so many opportunities and squandered each and every one.  Couric has bounced from outlet to outlet with alarming regularity.  Her last employer was Yahoo – and when you can’t make it on Yahoo, that’s that.  Some of Couric’s targets include Martha Stewart, Matt Lauer, Ashley Banfield, Larry King, Deborah Norville, and even Diane Sawyer.  “I loved that I was getting under Diane’s skin,” says Couric.  Oh, but it gets better: “I’m pretty sure I speak for Diane when I say neither of us ever resorted to actual fellatio to land an interview.”  Or, I daresay, a spouse!!  People who have read the manuscript are saying she’ll never work in news again.  I could have told you that BEFORE the book!

Incidentally, Natalie Morales has resigned from Today.  Why?  Allegedly, she’s “been offered an opportunity she’s passionate about and has decided to step away from NBC News.”  Maybe she’s the new face of Yahoo!

Our Ask Billy question is a healthy diversion.  Brandon in San Diego writes, “I saw some photos of Liam Hemsworth at the beach and his package looked enormous.  I don’t suppose he’s ever shown the family jewels.”

Alas, no.  However, you did whet my appetite, so I went looking for the photos in question.  That is a very healthy bulge indeed.  But, I caution you – sometimes a package of that size is low on meat and high on potatoes.  Those of you not eschewing carbs can check him out on BillyMasters.com.

Anthony Rapp’s case against Kevin Spacey just took a fascinating turn.  As you may recall, Spacey tried to get the abuse charges thrown out of court because Rapp’s co-defendant refused to go public with his identity.  Anthony is prevailing alone, which led Spacey to hire a psychologist to evaluate Rapp.  This professional claimed that “Rapp displays narcissistic personality traits, in that he has an excessive need for admiration, has a grandiose sense of self-importance, and believes that he is special”.  In other words, he’s an actor!  Who knew Ant and I had so much in common?  Spacey’s expert also believes that Anthony “generated and perpetuated a false memory” and has “resentment towards closeted gay actors.”  Rapp countered by asking the court to allow him to call witnesses to verify that his account of the Spacey attack has been consistent all of these years.

Joan Rivers may no longer be with us, but she lives on in a variety of ways.  Her books, her jewelry, and her comedy specials ensure that she’ll be a presence for generations to come.  Hot on the heels of HBO’s Hacks (which is loosely inspired by Auntie Joan’s life), Showtime has announced plans for a limited series.  The Comeback Girl will find Kathryn Hahn in the role of Joan Rivers.  The series has been described thusly: “Trailblazer.  Adored.  Cruel.  Diva.  Joan Rivers had a life like no other.  At age 54, she was a superstar comedienne…and then it all fell apart.  The Comeback Girl is the awe-inspiring untold story of how Joan Rivers persevered through near suicide and professional abyss to rebuild herself and her career to become a global icon.”  So, they’ll focus on her firing from The Late Show on FOX, her husband Edgar’s suicide, and her “comeback”.

Four co-hosts go in, two come out.  Am I the only one who thinks The View is turning into Thunderdome?  The live show began last Friday with Joy, Sara, Sunny and Ana (Whoopi was already felled with sciatica).  When the second segment started, Joy Behar’s introduction of Kamala Harris was aborted by producers instructing Hostin and Navarro to leave the table “for a second…we’re going to bring you back later”.  Joy tried to continue, but was instructed to throw to commercial.  After the break, Joy revealed that both Sunny and Ana tested positive for Covid and left the studio.  While the staff scrambled, Joy and Sara took questions from the audience.  After two such segments, it was announced that Kamala – who was still in the building – would not sit with the co-hosts.  Instead, in an abundance of caution, she’d talk to them for 10 minutes from a remote studio in the same building.  This begged the question – couldn’t Sunny and Ana, who were critical of the treatment of the Haitian refugees, participate via the same setup?  Adding to the murkiness, subsequent tests on Sunny and Ana were negative.

Since I’m overseas, I decided to pick an Ask Billy from this side of the pond.  Harold in Manchester writes, “I heard that Benedict Cumberbatch is going full frontal in his next movie.  Any details?”

Plenty.  The film in question is Power of the Dog, which is a Western about a warring family on a Montana ranch – in other words, it’s a film I wouldn’t be caught dead seeing.  So how do they get Billy Masters’ interest?  Well, Cumberbatch is playing a gay rancher.  Yawn.  How’s about having him show the full Bene-Dick?  OK, my interest is duly piqued.  Although the film won’t be released until December, one of those lovely people who like to leak me links sent me the floppy footage.  And, naturally, I’m happy to share it with you on BillyMasters.com.

Would you believe that a member of the Trump family is about to be honored by a gay organization?  Melania Trump will get the “Spirit of Lincoln” award from the Log Cabin Republicans.  And here I thought that award could only be given to two men who shared a twin bed!  The presentation will take place at Mar-a-Lago on November 6^th – and we’re told she will be at the ceremony as the guest of honor (a term I use loosely).  Am I the only one thinking the group singled her out solely to get a discount on the venue?

Melania’s not the only unlikely person getting a gay award.  Remember Aaron Schock?  He of the hot body and numerous nude photos and videos you can find on BillyMasters.com?  Last week, he was honored at a pride event in Nashville, Tennessee.  Not surprisingly, this celebration was also hosted by the Log Cabin Republicans.  If anyone epitomizes the “Spirit of Lincoln”, it’s Schock!  Who knew those conservative gays had so many parties?

Since I’m globetrotting, attending the Emmy Awards was an impossibility.  And due to the difference in time zones, I can’t even tell you what happened because I won’t find out until after this column is published.  Instead, let me tell you about the Creative Arts Emmys.  The Emmys’ poor stepsister took place a week before the real event, and it was a gala affair – make that a GAYla affair.  RuPaul won his sixth consecutive Emmy as host of a reality or competition show.  He also made a bit of history – he’s tied for the most Emmy wins by any person of color.  Given that he may have won another award by the time you read this, he may be Emmys’ most decorated person of color – and I can’t think of a better candidate for that title.

Speaking of decorating, Queer Eye also came out on top at the Emmys.  For the fourth year in a row, the show won Outstanding Structured Reality Show.  But their biggest plaudit happened a few days later.  LEGO announced they are immortalizing the show.  On October 1^st, LEGO will release Queer Eye – The Fab Five Loft.  They even went out of their way to include Bruley, the quintet’s dearly departed canine companion.

Let me share two things I’ve learned while travelling through Eastern Europe: A) You can tell who the tourists are, because they’re the only ones wearing masks, and 2) The local men are the hottest anywhere in the world.  Being a Bostonian, I’ve always been partial to all-American college boys.  But you can keep Hank, Charlie and Steve – I’m totally into Vaclav, Zoltan, and Lazlo.  Sure, none of them can speak a lick of English, but they’ll lick just about anything for a ruble!  With the current exchange rates, I can be a human Tootsie Pop for hours!

I’m not the only one in Europe.  Gus Kenworthy has been frolicking in the Greek Isles.  He was spotted diving off the cliffs of Milos – reminiscent of Peter Gallagher in Summer Lovers (except Peter had the balls to show his balls).  Gus then segued over to Sifnos, where he was spotted with an unknown male companion.  Kenworthy captioned a photo saying, “Alexa, play ‘Summer Lovin’ from the musical Greece!”.  Oh, he’s a clever boy.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Aaron in Dallas, who writes, “What do you know about Evan Mock on Gossip Girl?  I think he’s a model-turned-actor, and seems pretty convincing in his scenes with Max.”

I haven’t watched a single episode of Gossip Girl – the reboot or the original.  But after seeing Evan Mock and Thomas Doherty, I’m a believer.  I know you asked about Evan…but Thomas is swoonable.  He was also named “one of the 50 fittest boys in the world” by Vogue when he was 22 (he’s now 26).  So that explains all the nudity…and the abs.  Back to Evan.  Mock is a model, actor, and skateboarder.  His big break was after Frank Ocean posted a video of him skateboarding – which answers some questions, and leaves us with others.  Two of his best friends are Justin Bieber and Travis Scott.  In spite of all that, Mock identifies as heterosexual.  But happily he shows a good amount of skin on Gossip Girl – and on BillyMasters.com.

About a month ago, the media reported about a new Catholic Church scandal when a large number of priests were discovered on Grindr.  That would be bad enough, but the investigation was prompted by news that at least 16 different mobile devices were logging into the gay hook-up app from “non-public areas of the Vatican City” – which means housing and the rectory (I will refrain from my usual rectory joke).  We hear that a new list of priests found on the app is about to go public.

Earlier this summer, Monsignor Jeffrey Burrill resigned.  Burrill was the administrator for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops.  In addition to this prestigious position, he was seen in some other positions in various gay bathhouses and on Grindr.  And Burrill wasn’t the only resignation.  A Brazilian bishop was asked to tender his resignation to the Pope after two videos of him “pleasuring himself” during a video chat were leaked.  Bishop Tomé Ferreira da Silva confirmed that he was in the video and that it was leaked by a “close associate”.  Talk about being defrocked!

ABBA is BACK!  You may recall we told you three years ago that the quartet went into the studio and quietly recorded two new songs which were to be used in some sort of hologram concert.  With all the delays, Benny called the group and said, “Maybe we should do a few others.”  Next thing you know, ABBA is releasing “Voyage”, a collection of 10 new tracks, their first new material in over 40 years.  It drops on November 5^th.  As to that new show, it is also called ABBA Voyage.  The full quartet performed in front of over 150 cameras and video geniuses.  After doing the whole show over and over for five weeks, it was converted into a digital wonder.  And instead of calling them avatars, these are called ABBAtars.  The virtual ABBAs will be joined by a 10-piece band performing 22 of their greatest hits.  Opening night is at a specially constructed arena in London on May 27, 2022.

I thought it was a big deal that Dancing with the Stars is having JoJo Siwa compete with a female partner.  JoJo may be annoying, but the situation is still historic…until you realize that England had two women dancing together on Strictly Come Dancing last year.  I’m far more interested that the UK show will feature sexy John Whaite from The Great British Bake Off competing with a male partner this year!  Once again, advantage Brits.  Of course, we have Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby competing on DWTS.  And, yes, he’s gay.  But he has been partnered with Cheryl Burke – ‘cause they obviously want him to win.

Strictly actually had higher aspirations than a gay baker.  They had hoped to snare newly anointed Olympic gold medalist, Tom Daley.  However, between buffing his medal and knitting his cozies, he’s a little busy.  Still, he somehow found time to pen a new memoir.  Coming Up For Air will be released in October.  It is the follow-up to his previous memoir, My Story, which was released when he was 18!  Of course, since then he’s had quite a life – he got married, had a kid, and is now able to drink legally!  He’s also in talks to write a series of children’s books.  Busy, busy.

Back to Dancing with the Stars – I’m curious how long Olivia Jade will last.  You remember her – the daughter of Lori Loughlin who was at the center of the Varsity Blues scandal.  Apparently she no longer uses the Giannulli name – for obvious reasons.  Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’m happy to see her on DWTS – if only to watch her fall with a thud, or get cheered on by her friends on the USC crew team.  And I’m also looking forward to watching Brian Austin Green, who always seems sexy and dangerous.  Yes, even I can’t believe it – calling David from 90210 sexy and dangerous!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Anthony in Texas: “Have you heard the rumors about Peyton Meyer accidentally posting a sex video on TikTok?  Can you track it down?”

What I find amusing is that whenever sex videos or nude photos leak, they’re often of former Disney kids.  Things that make you go, “Hmm”.  I don’t know Peyton Meyer, but he falls into that category.  He is best known for the Disney series, Girl Meets World and Dog with a Blog – both of which sound positively dreadful.  He can also currently be seen in the Netflix film He’s All That, and I can confirm that Peyton is all that…and then some.  Here’s what happened – somehow a video of Peyton having vigorous sex with his girlfriend popped up in a TikTok chat room.  But the video was not new to moi – it surfaced back in May, which is when I got it.  I’m glad I was asked to look into this story because my sources delivered two other videos of Meyer – one with another girl, and one with him taking his sizeable matters into his own hand.  All can be found on BillyMasters.com.

Colton Underwood has a boyfriend.  Of course he does.  He only came out a year ago, but he has a boyfriend and a TV series.  How nice for him.  Not that I wish him ill – I truly hope he finds happiness.  As to that new beau, they were first spotted together when Colton made that pre-season trip to Provincetown with Gus Kenworthy.  Another person in that group was Jordan C. Brown, who is described in most outlets as a “well-connected political fundraiser”.  So, he has money.  I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.  The twosome was spotted at the Four Seasons resort in Maui, and one onlooker said, “They were all over each other”.  The photos we have capture a rather chaste kiss, but we’ll post it anyway on BillyMasters.com.

Didya know that The White Lotus was filmed at the Four Seasons in Maui?  A couple of weeks ago, sexy Murray Bartlett was spotted in Provincetown.  I’ve made a few day trips to Ptown for a variety of reasons, and last week wrapped up my summer by seeing the sensational Marilyn Maye at the Provincetown Art House (her 11^th season in Ptown).  To say a 93-year-old woman is as good a singer as colleagues decades younger would be preposterous.  And yet…that is the case with Miss Maye, who seems to have found the elusive Fountain of Youth.  With her skill, intelligence and talent, she presents a show which focuses on her extraordinary strengths.  Her ability to connect with a lyric and make it personal for everyone in the audience is a gift few have.  Add in her powerful instrument and the joy she has in sharing it with us, and you have a winning combination.  She was more than ably supported by a combo led by the brilliant Billy Stritch.  Some footage can be found on BillyMasters.com.

Any day now, The View will return to the air.  And in the Meghan McCain seat, we will have a number of rotating co-hosts.  People like Condoleezza Rice, Mia Love, S.E. Cupp, and Carly Fiorina will keep that seat warm.  As to a permanent replacement, the producers say they are “taking a little time” before deciding who will join The View.  In the meantime, expect to see some familiar faces.  Since this is the show’s 25^th anniversary (which also means I moved to LA 25 years ago), they’ve invited former co-hosts to come and play.

For the love of God, will someone please cancel The Talk.  I haven’t seen something sink this slowly since the Andrea Doria!  Last week, Elaine Welteroth announced she will not return for a second season.  Good!  Elaine has the dubious distinction of solely being on the show to help Sheryl Underwood sandbag Sharon Osbourne – and then admit she was manipulated!  To fill her seat is Akbar Gbajabiamila – someone I’ve never heard of, and I do hope I don’t like or I’d have to type that name again!  I don’t plan to like him, because I don’t plan to watch.

Have you heard the latest from Sir Cameron Mackintosh?  When asked about casting trans actors, the theatrical producer said this: “You can’t implant something that is not inherently there in the story or character, that’s what I think.  Just to do that, that becomes gimmick casting.”  This caused lots of chatter – with the loudest voice, happily, someone who it directly affected.  Alexandra Billings said, “I am an actor.  I am Mame and I am Madame Rose.  I am Miss Hannigan and I am Annie Oakley and I am Fantine.  But I am these stories because I am part of the human fabric and no one has the right to take any of this away from me…I am an actor, Mr. Mackintosh, not a gimmick.”

Sir Cameron responded: “I was recently asked by a journalist if I would consider making the character of Mary Poppins (not the actor playing the role) a transgender woman.  Unfortunately, my answer has been misinterpreted to suggest that I am opposed to casting a transgender performer to play the role.  This is absolutely not true.  I meant only that I would not as a producer disregard the author P.L. Travers’ original intention for the character.  To be clear, whether a person is trans has no bearing on their suitability for any role in any of my shows, including Mary Poppins, as long as they can perform the role as written.”  Bravo!

Elton John can buy anything – and probably anybody.  So what do you get him for his birthday?  This was the quandary Ed Sheeran had, until inspiration struck.  Sir Elton revealed, “For my birthday this year, he gave me a giant marble penis.  I don’t know if that’s because I’ve always been a prick or what, it’s really big, it’s beautifully made.”  But the question remains – is this his first giant marble penis?  And where is he displaying it?  The loo?  Inquiring minds…

Our Ask Billy question comes from Tom in Palm Springs: “Today there was a picture of NPH [Neil Patrick Harris] that showed him on vacation in Croatia wearing only swim trunks.  I noted a prominently discernable penile shaft and head.  Check it out.”

First off, Neil captioned the photo as, “165 pounds soaking wet” – so I hate him for that.  As for his penis, yes, I see what appears to be an inch or so of shaft and the outline of a head.  As a point of reference, note his hand is also in the shot, and his thumb is larger.  Of course, we saw all of Neil in Gone Girl – but, as I always say, never judge a penis flaccid (adding water doesn’t help).  Should you be interested, you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

When Elton’s marble penis weighs more than Neil Patrick Harris soaking wet, it’s time to end yet another column.  Speaking of being all wet, Ryan Phillippe posted some photos from a New Mexico pond with his son Deacon – often referred to as his “look-alike son”.  And he really is.  So if you want to see a wet, shirtless Ryan then and now, head on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is multigenerational.  If you have questions of a less familial nature, send them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Sir Elton holds his next birthday party at Naked Boys Singing: Las Vegas!.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Faithful readers were probably as perplexed as I was when reporting the casting of Aaron Carter in the Las Vegas company of Naked Boys Singing!.  I was skeptical that the venture would get far, but I didn’t expect him to pull out so abruptly – I hate when men do that!  “We are disappointed and a bit embarrassed to announce that Aaron Carter will not be appearing in the Las Vegas production of Naked Boys Singing!.  Within a few days of the announcement, it became clear, for multiple reasons, that Aaron’s participation…was not going to work out.  We requested his letter of resignation and received it on Monday,” say the producers.  I thought only people like the President of the United States asked for letters of resignation.  Onto the good news – strike that, GREAT news.  A number of stunning talented guys are in the cast: David Hernandez from American Idol, Matthew Ludwinski from Going Down in LA-LA Land, Chris Salvatore from Eating Out, Marcus Terrell from America’s Got Talent, and Vegas headliner Louis D’Aprile.  The 11-week residency begins on September 15^th.  Details at NakedBoysSingingVegas.com.  BTW, you can check out every inch of Ludwinski and Salvatore on our website.

Controversy is a-brewin’ at General Hospital – and it’s all about the coronavirus!  It all started when sexy Steve Burton tested positive for Covid-19 and asserted that he contracted it on the set.  This led many of his colleagues to call for a vaccine mandate for actors and crew members.  Then Ingo Rademacher spoke out in favor of the anti-vax cause, which led to a #FireIngo campaign online.  He lashed out at those attacking him saying, “I really dislike you at this point.  I think that you’re bigots and I think you know it.  To do something like that to another person characterizes who you are.  You’re a horrible, horrible person.”  I don’t think he likes them.

ABC has planned a first for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars.  After years of discussion, the show will feature a same-sex competitive dancing pair.  YAY!  But, does it have to be JoJo Siwa?  I know that two women together is less threatening to the American public, but would it really be so bad seeing someone like Greg Louganis doing the samba with Derek Hough?  The full cast will be revealed on Good Morning America on September 8^th, and the new season begins on September 20^th.

“I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation. 
But you and your questions and your reintroduction to some
of my past enlightened me, inspirited me, and I eagerly took the bait.”  
– Ed Asner on Billy Masters LIVE.  The two episodes we did are amongst my favorites. 
He was not only a legendary actor, but a good guy and a great sport.  Rest in peace.

People often ask me if I’m an “influencer”.  Honey, I was an influencer before the term existed.  Months ago, I made a joke about Rachel Campos waiting for The View to ask her to replace Meghan McCain.  If you don’t know, Rachel is an alum of The Real World: San Francisco.  She is married to a Real World: Boston alum, Sean Duffy, who is a former Congressional Representative from Wisconsin.  And she’s a conservative, despite living with Pedro Zamora and perhaps having a romance with Puck!  She’s twice been a finalist for The View panel, so I quipped that perhaps third time’s a charm.  Apparently, someone at Fox News read that and hired her as a co-host for the weekend edition of Fox & Friends.  I only know this because she made a jab at Dr. Jill Biden, which I won’t bother repeating.

Once again, I get to say I told you first.  Weeks ago, I reported that Rachel Maddow would either step away from her MSNBC show or seriously cut back if she renewed her contract.  Now comes word that she’s signed a multi-year deal, which includes scaling back her show next season from five nights a week to once weekly.

Time to give you an update about Billy Masters LIVE.  Our live chat show has been on hiatus after completing a very busy Pride Month.  I hoped to be back after Labor Day, but some professional opportunities will be taking me out of the country for most of September.  Fear not – we’ll be back in October!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Timothy in Los Angeles: “Every once in a while I see Trace Lehnhoff around town and he’s so dreamy.  Is he still dating that guy from Queer Eye?”

You are SO far behind.  I am sorry to inform you that Trace is no longer dating Antoni Porowski.  I’m even sorrier to tell you that he’s not available – he’s currently dating Miles McMillan, who used to date Zachary Quinto.  On the positive side, at least Trace is with someone who shares his exhibitionistic tendencies – both buff boys enjoy posting photos au naturel.  While Trace tends to focus on his delectable derrière, Miles is happy to let it all hang out – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Remember Ryan Fischer?  Lady Gaga’s hot dog walker who was shot during a dognapping?  Back then, Gaga called Ryan a hero and a member of her family.  A year later, Ryan is homeless and somewhat destitute.  He’s trying to raise $40K via a GoFundMe page to buy a new van and complete a cross-country journey.  “At times I was scared.  I was lonely.  I felt abandoned and unsupported.  I had long bouts of depression and doubt and self-pity.  But those backroads that took me to desert campsites and Walmart parking lots and rest stops and friends and family to New York and back began to help me see why I had chosen to leave the security of the Hollywood Hills where I fought for my life and mobility.”  Some have asked, “Why hasn’t Gaga donated?”  Good question.

On August 10^th, Britney Spears called the police to report her two dogs stolen!  When the police arrived, they learned that Spears’ dog sitter took the pups to the vet a month ago and never returned them.  The dog sitter claims she kept the pets because Britney is incapable of caring for them.  Curiously, Spears didn’t file any charges.  Then her housekeeper pulled out her phone and showed a photo of the dogs looking sick – presumably to illustrate the manner in which Brit cares for them.  According to reports, Spears is accused of “swiping” the phone – which led the housekeeper to file misdemeanor battery charges.  P.S.  As of this writing, the dogs have been returned to Britney.

Ever since it was announced that Days of our Lives is bringing back some classic characters for a limited series on Peacock, people have been asking me if Will and Sonny will return.  I’m pleased to tell you that Chandler Massey has signed on to reprise the role of Will on Days of our Lives: Beyond Salem.  That’s the good news.  Fans will be sad to hear that Emmy winner Freddie Smith will not be back as Sonny.  However, different actors take over roles on soaps all the time.  Sonny will be back, but he’ll be played by the hunky Zachary Atticus Tinker, formerly Fen on The Young and the Restless.  Smith congratulated his replacement on Instagram by saying, “I want to give a shout out to Zach Tinker.  Congratulations, man.  I know you are taking over the role of Sonny Kiriakis.  You are going to have an absolute blast.  He’s an awesome character and it’s such an important storyline.  I know you’re going to crush it so have fun and I can’t wait to check it out on Peacock.”

August 21^st, 2021 – Barry Manilow is onstage at We Love NYC: The Homecoming Concert in Central Park.  Lightning strikes during “Can’t Smile Without You”, and he’s pulled off stage.  Prior to the show being cancelled due to Hurricane Henri, Earth, Wind & Fire had performed.  At least Barry only had to deal with Earth and Wind!

This reminded me of July 21^st, 1983 – Diana Ross stands onstage, also in Central Park.  The winds are howling, the rains are falling, the lightning is striking, and Miss Ross is saying, “It took me a lifetime to get here…” when officials call off the show and basically force a drenched Diana offstage.  All in all, Manilow got off easy.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Roger in Chicago: “You talked about the nudity in The White Lotus.  You should check out Sex/Life – lots of really hot nudity there.”

A member of the Billy Masters family raved about Sex/Life – including the large amount of nudity (“large” being the operative word).  While I haven’t actually watched any of the episodes all the way through, I saw enough to wet my whistle.  Sure, everyone is talking about Adam Demos’ dick – which, by the way, was no prosthetic.  But give me Mike Vogel’s ass any day.  Should you want to check out these anatomical parts individually or collectively, head on over to BillyMasters.com.

Many comic book aficionados have long asserted that Robin (of Batman & fame) is gay.  Of course, I said that when it was George Clooney and Chris O’Donnell in skintight latex.  DC Comics has heard our prayers and is letting Robin spread his wings.  In Batman: Urban Legends, Robin’s alter ego is Tim Drake.  From what I’ve gathered, someone named Bernard tells Robin that he has a crush on his friend Tim.  Bernard doesn’t know that Robin is Tim – who thus far has never expressed any same-sex attraction.  But when Bernard summons up the courage to ask Tim out on a date, Tim says yes.  Is he gay?  Is he bi?  Stay tuned – same bat time, same bat channel.

The biopic about Aretha Franklin, Respect, was just released – four months after Genius: Aretha with Cynthia Erivo (which was also four times longer).  What this film has going for it is Jennifer Hudson, who is a remarkable singer – a skill which is on display with full-length performances of most of Franklin’s hits.  Those numbers are impeccably staged and performed.  Alas, all of those songs leave little room for much of a script.  I don’t know if it’s the writing, directing, or acting, but whenever there isn’t singing, the film is lacking.  That said, it doesn’t shy away from some of the more controversial aspects of Aretha’s life – which makes me wonder if this “authorized biopic” would have pleased The Queen (by the way, the Dinah Washington incident happened to Etta James, not Aretha).  The narrative ends in 1972 with the recording of Amazing Grace.  Perhaps in a decade or two, Hudson will revisit the role in a sequel – kinda like Funny Lady picking up where Funny Girl left off.  While Respect is the Cliffs Notes version of Aretha’s life, I enjoyed it as a companion to the more thorough NatGeo effort.

Every decade or so, a revival of Funny Girl is planned.  The show hasn’t had a Broadway run since the original production closed in 1967.  Due to the close association with Barbra Streisand, it’s assumed anyone playing Fanny Brice would suffer by comparison – although it should be noted that Barbra’s replacement, Mimi Hines, played the role on Broadway longer than Streisand.  Back in 2012, a production starring Lauren Ambrose was announced.  Then it looked like Lea Michele might bring it back to Broadway in 2014.  So it’s with great trepidation that I announce a revival is scheduled to open on Broadway on April 2, 2022.  The Fanny will be Beanie Feldstein – who played Minnie Fay in Hello, Dolly! opposite Bette Midler and will play Monica Lewinsky in Impeachment: American Crime Story.  Rosie O’Donnell said she’d be in the Broadway revival, but producers are still auditioning hopefuls for the role of Mrs. Brice.

Here’s a story that has a surprise twist.  A new production of Naked Boys Singing is opening in Las Vegas on September 8^th.  It will run through November 28^th at the Jewel Box Theatre in the Erotic Heritage Museum.  Here’s where the story takes an interesting twist – the production will star Aaron Carter!  Tickets start at $75, go up to $95 if you want a meet & greet, or $145 to sit in the first row.  I’m not sure what’s more shocking – Aaron performing nude, Aaron singing live, or getting to meet Aaron for only 20 bucks!  “I’m so excited to enter the theater world again in Naked Boys Singing!  I look forward to having a great time and being a part of Vegas reopening,” said Carter.  We’re not sure which role Aaron will play – I don’t think he could pull off “Perky Little Porn Star” or “Naked Maid”, but perhaps he could handle “Bliss of a Bris”.  What we do know is that this will be the five-actor, 60-minute abbreviated version of the show.  For tickets, go to NakedBoysSingingVegas.com.

A far more pleasing display of male nudity came courtesy of Men’s Health with cover boy, Christopher Meloni.  While he doesn’t show all, the 60-year-old proves that a Speedo body need not have an expiration date.  He also shares his workout secrets, which have given him an unusual skill.  “I catch flies with my ass cheeks, like a Venus flytrap.”  Would that I were that fly!  For more visuals, check out BillyMasters.com.

Our Ask Billy mailbag was full of questions about The White Lotus.  After the first episode, a flurry of notes came in asking if those were Steve Zahn’s real testicles (he claims it was another actor wearing a prosthetic).  But it was episode four which flooded my mailbox.  Henry from New Hampshire wrote in first: “Did you see Murray Bartlett and Lukas Gage going at it on The White Lotus?”

If Gage looks familiar, it’s probably from the viral video last year of a director making fun of his apartment during a Zoom casting session.  Seeing Murray wedged between Lukas’ seemingly clenched cheeks was a surprise I didn’t see coming.  It also came as a surprise to the writer.  The script simply said that the characters were caught having sex.  Bartlett and Gage were the ones who came up with the rimming scenario.  “Let’s show something that is a natural part of sex for a lot of queer people,” said Murray.  Gage apparently agrees: “I can’t wait for my ass to get retweeted all over the Internet.”  Your wish is my command – you can see it at BillyMasters.com.

When we’re bringing you a hot ass, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Each and every week, we bring you the best in gossip on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that doesn’t stop ‘til you get enough.  If you need even more, drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before filmmakers head to Provincetown to shoot an all-gay version of Hidden Figures.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Kathy Griffin was big news this week.  First she revealed that she’d been addicted to narcotics.  Then there was a suicide attempt.  But the big news is she has lung cancer.  Happily, the cancer was stage one and operable.  Prognosis is good for our favorite funny lady.

While discussing Griffin on The View, Meghan McCain referred to Kathy’s old jokes about Clay Aiken – whom Meghan described as “one of my closest friends in the entire world”.  “I don’t like her.  I’m never going to like her,” said McCain.  Less than three hours later, Aiken Tweeted the following: “Love and prayers for a speedy recovery to my dear friend @kathygriffin.  Selfless and gracious, she even hosted a fundraiser for my congressional campaign years ago.  Get well soon Kathy.  I miss your jokes!”  So, we know where he stands.

There was one other noteworthy incident that tainted McCain’s final week on The View.  She sat out an interview with Mary Trump, which in itself was no big deal – one or more co-hosts often skip these remote interviews.  But when Trump pointed out Meg’s absence, McCain couldn’t help herself.  She Tweeted: “There is no ‘good’ Trump family member to me.  Continue to wish they would all just leave me and my entire family the fuck alone.”  Mary, naturally, had to respond: “I have plenty of respect for Meghan’s parents.  It’s too bad she can’t take responsibility for her own actions.  That’s the problem with entitlement – it’s dangerous.  And so is our failure to hold powerful people accountable.”  And so ends the McCain era on The View.

I’ve witnessed a few instances of the true spirit of the Olympics the past fortnight.  But none tugged at my somewhat-atrophied heartstrings more than the finals of the men’s high jump.  The two contenders for gold were Gianmarco Tamberi of Italy and Mutaz Essa Barshim of Qatar.  It came down to one jump – which both men missed.  The judges were poised to stage a jump-off when Barshim asked, “Can we just have two golds?”  While the judges conferred, Barshim and Tamberi shook hands and the crowd went nuts.  It was a beautiful moment.

By the way, a statue of a giant sumo wrestler had to be removed from a jump in the equestrian arena because it was spooking the horses.  Yet another thing I have in common with a horse.

We’ve all heard about the breakthrough Covid cases from July 4^th in Provincetown.  But let’s talk about the hot gay guy who put the pieces together.  Michael Donnelly is a data scientist from NYC.  He wasn’t in Ptown over the 4^th, but his husband and friends were.  He noted that people in the same cluster were having the same symptoms shortly after returning home.  He started charting the data and plotting the cases and saw a correlation.  He shared his findings with the CDC, making it the most thorough – and quickly studied – cluster since the pandemic began.  The bad news – well, aside from Donnelly having a husband – is that gay men dancing indoors on a cold and soggy July 4^th weekend created a perfect storm.  The silver lining is that Provincetown quickly enacted an indoor mask policy.  Since then, infection rates have dropped from 15% to about 4%.

A recent story caught my eye about the Bryant family – as in Anita Bryant.  As you know, Bryant came out against gay people and got a pie in the face in 1977 – to which she good-heartedly quipped, “At least it’s a fruit pie”.  As luck would have it, Anita’s granddaughter happens to be a lesbian – a lesbian about to get married.  Two problems: 1) Anita doesn’t know her granddaughter is getting married, and B) She doesn’t know said granddaughter is a lesbian!  “[Anita] wants a relationship with a person who doesn’t exist because I’m not the person she wants me to be.  I think I probably will eventually just call her and ask if she even wants an invitation, because I genuinely do not know how she would respond.  I don’t know if she would be offended if I didn’t invite her…I just kind of feel bad for her.  And I think as much as she hopes that I will figure things out and come back to God, I kind of hope that she’ll figure things out.”  I’m curious – does anyone know where Anita stands on this issue today?  I would hate to be held to the beliefs I expressed over 50 years ago (when I was two).  After all, when Obama became President, he was opposed to gay marriage.  I say, give Anita a chance to reveal herself.

When I’m standing up for Anita Bryant, it’s definitely time for me to add a little vodka to my orange juice and end yet another column.  Who knows – maybe her stance could be blamed on spending so much time in the hot Florida sun.  Speaking of which, I’m in Fort Lauderdale this week.  But I’m still updating www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always shines.  If you have a question – or an indecent proposal – send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Tom Daley pitches his knitted Olympic medal cozy on Shark Tank.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

A celebrated duo is reuniting for what is being billed as their final shows together.  One Last Time: An Evening with Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga will play Radio City Music Hall on August 3^rd and 5^th.

If you go to see Tony and Gaga, you’ll likely need proof of a Covid vaccine.  After all, you can’t kill an American treasure – or Gaga, for that matter.  You’ll need that same proof when Broadway comes back.  It’s been announced that each of Broadway’s 41 venues will require proof of vaccine…AND masks will be required.  This is part of a landmark agreement between the Broadway League, Actors’ Equity, and the various other unions.  An exception will be made for those 12 years of age and younger, and those with either a medical condition or a “closely held religious belief”.  I can’t wait to see how they carry out this mandate – especially at the Metropolitan Opera, which has a capacity of 3,500.

The 2020 Tony Awards will finally take place in the last quarter of 2021.  And the Tony Committee has announced the winner of the Isabelle Stevenson Award – which is given to a member of the community “who has made a substantial contribution of volunteered time and effort on behalf of one or more humanitarian, social service or charitable organizations”.  I surely wasn’t the only person who assumed that would go to Seth Rudetsky and James Wesley – who started Stars in the House moments after the pandemic hit.  Not only did they keep the world entertained, they also raised over $1 million for the Actors Fund (continuing their long track record of charitable work).  However, the award will go to the estimable Julie Halston – whom I also adore, but could have waited until next year.  Julie was chosen “for her dedication and advocacy in raising funding and awareness for the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation”.  She started working for this cause in 2008 when her husband, Ralph Howard, was diagnosed with the disease.  Since that time, she has helped raise millions of dollars.  Brava, Julie.

Despite having a healthy amount of skepticism that Broadway will resume performances in September, I’m willing to play along.  One of the most anticipated revivals is of Richard Greenberg’s play Take Me Out – about a star baseball player coming out of the closet.  This revival will star Jesse Williams as the ballplayer in question.  Fun fact – prior to his alleged assault on the streets of Chicago, Jussie Smollett was the front-runner to play that part.  Williams will be joined by Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and the show begins previews on March 9^th.

A new national tour of the musical Hairspray is hitting the road.  Even more exciting, the role of Edna will be played by drag diva Nina West (aka Andrew Levitt).  The tour launches in Yakima, Washington on November 12^th.

Prior to the pandemic, Frankie Valli made an announcement about the musical Jersey Boys.  “It is being filmed for television and Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is playing Frankie, and I’m really excited about that.”  When recently asked the status of the project, Valli said, “It will be filmed, I think, somewhere in Cleveland, and I will be going there to check it out.”  The original director of the Broadway show, Des McAnuff, is helming this version, and we hear it will land on Peacock – with the team hoping for a Hamilton-like success.

There’s been lots of talk that Meghan McCain might compete on the next season of Dancing in the Stars (which is what Barbara Walters used to call it).  Given her departure from The View, I suspect we’ll be robbed of Meg’s moving tribute to Fantasia during Disney Week.  Other potential dancers include Countess Luann de Lesseps, LeAnn Rimes, and even Fran Drescher – who is running for president of the Screen Actors Guild.  If she’s got too much on her plate, might I recommend outgoing SAG pres Gabrielle Carteris?

As we put this column together, breaking news came in that an alum from DWTS had been arrested.  Actually, it would only be news if it were a name we recognized.  Hayes Grier competed in 2015 and was known as an influencer on Vine.  Remember Vine?  Hayes (who is kinda cute) was arrested for assaulting someone and stealing his cellphone.  Oh, and his victim may have a brain injury?

“If you are fortunate enough to be in a relationship with a supportive family,
in a country or place where living openly is pretty safe, I really would
recommend it because it will only benefit you and your mental health. 
You’ll probably perform better as well because you’re not worried about it.”  
– British Olympian Tom Bosworth discusses the advantages of being openly gay at the Games. 
I wish someone would discuss the advantages of being an openly gay single Olympian.

With wall-to-wall coverage, I’m coming across clips and highlights from the Olympics with alarming regularity.  I was fascinated by the story of Fabio Fognini – an Italian tennis player.  With every lost point, he’d scream “frocio”.  As someone who typically summers under the Tuscan sun, I recognized the polite term for “faggot” (I’m sure someone out there thinks I should say “the F-word”, but fuck that).  After losing the game, Fabio explained the situation on social media.  “The heat went to my head.  Obviously I didn’t want to offend anyone’s sensibilities.” 

Tom Daley can finally tick “win an Olympic gold medal” off his “To Do” list.  I’m sure he’d rather win it solo than as part of a syncro duo, but there’s another week to go.  How did he celebrate?  “If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know I’m a bit knitting obsessed.  And I kept banging my medal, so what I decided to do was make a little case for my medal.  Now my medal is not going to get scratched.”  Not only is he a gold medal winner, he’s also invented the knitted Olympic medal cozy.  Take that, all of you who think Dustin Lance Black is old one!

Our Ask Billy question made me sit up and take notice.  Reggie in Tulsa writes, “I don’t know if you watch John Oliver, but he showed clips of a foreign kiddie show about a man with a giant penis.  What???”

I don’t watch John Oliver with any regularity, so I missed this segment.  However, my crack research team (some of whom are actually on crack) found the show.  John Dillermand” is indeed a Danish children’s show.  Or a mini-show.  The first season consisted of 13 five-minute episodes.  Apparently “diller” is what the Danes call a penis.  So the show is actually called “John Penisman”.  John is a middle-aged man who is always in a red-and-white full-length bathing costume – like they wore in the 20s.  He has a penis that can extend long enough to tame a lion, or act as a helicopter propeller, or use as a pogo stick.  But sometimes the penis gets itself in trouble – I suppose that’s where the song “My Penis Has a Mind of Its Own” comes from.  The show debuted earlier this year and is geared toward four- to eight-year-old children!  Not only has there not been a single complaint – it’s gone viral.  It has been praised because it shows a penis in a positive light – and when was the last time something like that happened?  I’ll post clips of the unclipped penis on BillyMasters.com.

When a penis can be used for good, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  This got me thinking – it’s high time the Olympics considered adding some sort of penis-centric activity to their Games.  I mean, if you can roll a hula hoop and wave a stick with a string on the end and call that an event, anything is possible.  While I figure out who to call about this, you can take a gander at a plethora of penii at www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is always thinking outside the box.  If you have a question, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before John Dillermand competes in the Olympics as a pole vaulter – with his own pole!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Liza Minnelli is back in the news.  Last week, she turned up for Michael Feinstein’s gig at Vitello’s Restaurant in Studio City – one of the few eateries with a body count!  With the assistance of two people, Liza gingerly made her way into a chair.  Simply sitting seemed a strain.  Her scattered storytelling was endearing, but her singing was – well, Liza-esque.  Somewhere, somehow, someone must be able to find a song that doesn’t depend on the letter “S” so much – “My Sweet Embraceable You” sounded like an ad for Polygrip!  One friend called it elder abuse.  You can decide for yourself when you watch the video on BillyMasters.com.

By the by, Liza was once again passed over for the Kennedy Center Honors.  The 2021 honorees were announced last week, and it’s a starry list, indeed.  Bette Midler, Joni Mitchell, Berry Gordy, Lorne Michaels and opera singer Justino Diaz have made the cut.  Well, there’s always next year, Liza.