Category Archives: Breaking

Sebastian Shows All

Our Ask Billy question comes from Frank in Detroit: “I heard Sebastian Stan shows all in his new movie.  Do you have it?”

Have it, love it, happy to share it – which is what I say to pretty much everything…except dessert.  In the new movie Monday, the sexy Sebastian and onscreen galpal decide to ride a motorcycle through the streets of Athens completely naked.  Needless to say, this leads to a traffic infraction – probably due to helmet laws!  So, yes, his walk of shame is completely au naturel.  And, naturally, you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

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When we’re showing Sebastian’s hog, it’s time to end another column.  And what a column it was!  Love, death, the pursuit of happiness.  The only thing missing was taxes – thank God for that extension.  You know what won’t tax you?  Going to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always delivers a big return.  If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I’ll get back to you before Colton loses his gay virginity (which, I suspect, might require the assistance of a time machine).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

Princess Di Out

Princess Diana Comes Out!  Well, that’s what all the headlines said.  Emma Corrin – who plays Diana on The Crown” – posted some photos on Instagram in a wedding dress from a photo spread in Pop magazine with the caption “ur fave queer bride” and the hashtags #POP44 OUT NOW.

The musical about Princess Diana was in previews on Broadway when the pandemic hit.  It’s been announced that the show will resume previews on December 1st, and opening night is now scheduled for December 16th.  Should you not be able to score tix (or not be ready to attend a public gathering), you can watch the show from the comfort of your own home courtesy of Netflix.  During the pandemic, the production resumed rehearsals with strict Covid protocols, recorded a cast album, and filmed a performance onstage without an audience.  It drops on October 1st.

 

Royal Gossip

Last week, Billy Masters LIVE was all about the British royals.  Between Harry and Meghan and William and Kate, we had lots to talk about with royal expert, Richard Mineards.  And then Prince Philip up and died – not unexpected at age 99.  Mineards was right on the money, and everything he told us would happen did.  Of course, you can watch Billy Masters LIVE, which you can watch on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

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For me – a vociferous Anglophile (although I do sleep with non-Brits) – I found Prince Philip’s funeral a sad event.  Not for Philip, but for poor Queen Elizabeth II.  If there’s anything sadder than watching an old woman with a hump shuffle into a church all alone, it’s seeing said woman sitting by herself in a section of a chapel designed for hundreds!  But all eyes were on William and Harry.  Per the prepared choreography of the day, they were separated during the procession to St. George’s Chapel by their cousin, Peter Phillips (Princess Anne’s son).  To be more accurate, while Pete stood between the brothers, he purposely walked a step behind.  And here’s a fun fact – when Phillips was born, QE2 offered to give him a title as a courtesy since he was her first grandchild.  Both of his parents declined.  Keep that in mind next time you hear grumblings about titles.  While William and Harry were separated walking to the chapel, they walked out together – accompanied by Kate.

By the by, either we gays are more popular than anyone imagined, or we just love the royals.  CNN’s coverage was anchored by Anderson Cooper and Richard QuestABC had Mrs. Muir and James Longman.  The televised event was somewhat contentious in the UK.  Permission for news websites to livestream the funeral was denied.  Buckingham Palace said that in the UK, the only place to watch it online was on the Royal Family’s YouTube channel.  Prior to the funeral, their channel only had 779K subscribers.  It’s now up to 815K.  Talk about clickbait.

 

Colton Guided Out

Colton Underwood is gay.  This, of course, is no surprise to any of my loyal readers.  Way back in September of 2018, I quoted Colton’s tearful farewell to Bachelor in Paradise: “I just honestly feel there’s something wrong with me, ‘cause I’ve never wanted something as bad as I wanted it to work.  I want somebody I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with.  I really did give it my all, I really did try.  I don’t deserve her.  I’m broken.”  I followed that up with, “You’re not broken…you’re just…”  I honestly believe that the last person to know Colton was gay was Colton.  Sure, he had those feelings since high school.  But given his background, he fought it – and even attempted suicide.  So, his finally coming out is a good thing.

What most people don’t know is how these things get orchestrated.  His coming out interview with Robin Roberts is a major storyline for a new Netflix reality show, which has been in production for weeks.  On said show, he’ll be “guided” (their word) by Gus Kenworthy – and I think we all know where that’ll end up.  Many gay men have voiced their dissent.  I suspect jealousy plays a part – Colton is attractive, has some money, has been on TV, and now is getting paid to sleep with a bunch of hot guys.  Or am I projecting?  BTW, he “wrote” a book that came out last March called, ironically enough, The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV.  The paperback edition was released a few weeks ago, and the cover promised “With a New Afterword”.  It’s amazing how out of date a book can become in a matter of days.

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Someone doing an about-face (or flipping another part of his anatomy) is Billy Eichner.  When Colton was The Bachelor, Eichner appeared on that show saying, “I’m gay.  I know that’s a shock, Colton…Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know!”   Of course, Colton laughed – in that way he wouldn’t have if Kenworthy were making the quip (not that I think he could land that joke).  Billy has since apologized for the barb in light of Colton coming out – and because, you know, Colton’s hot.

Lone Star Stud Comes Out

Sexy men are a perfect segue to our Ask Billy question.  Harry in Texas writes, “I heard that Ronen Rubinstein just came out.  What do you know about him?  Does he have a boyfriend?”

Hold your horses, cowboy.  The Israeli actor from 9-1-1: Lone Star did make an announcement – but he didn’t exactly come out: “I fully identify as bisexual.  I literally just got goosebumps saying that.”  Is that what goosebumps feel like?  Frankly, they leave me cold.  Still, bisexuality is typically a brief pit stop on the road to homosexuality.  Apparently he’s had an inkling since high school.  “I was aware of my feelings and how I started looking at men, but I couldn’t talk to anybody about it.”  Alas, he also revealed he has a girlfriend.  So, why the big announcement?  “I wanted people to know that this is a hopeful and a happy story.”  I’m hopeful that he’ll eventually date a happy dude.  You want a real happy ending?  Go to BillyMasters.com, where we’ll post some sexy shots of Ronen.

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When I’m in need of some CPR from a hot EMT, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  If you need a bit of TLC, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site guaranteed to get your heart racing.  For all your non-emergency needs, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I find myself in a pickle – or a pickle is found in me!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

The Talk Plot Thickens

My previous coverage of The Talk kerfuffle should have left no question as to where my loyalties lie.  But lest my opinion be too subtle, let me clarify – there was clearly a concentrated campaign to oust Sharon Osbourne.  When asked on her podcast if Sharon has reached out to her since the dust-up, Sheryl said, “No”.  And that’s a lie.  Osbourne released screenshots of two messages she sent to Underwood – one the day after the incident, and one a few days after that.  “I not only sent these messages to Sheryl but I apologized to her in person in her dressing room.  Why are you saying I never apologized Sheryl?  What are you trying to do to me?  Why are you trying to destroy my reputation?” asked Sharon.  Why indeed.

Bills, Bills, Bills

You’ve gotta hand it to the Brits.  While the US is still dickering over what portrait of Harriet Tubman should grace a redesigned $20 bill (we hear it is a priority of the Biden administration), the Brits have selected a visage of Alan Turing for their shiny new £50 note (that’s 50 pounds for you Continental types).  The famed mathematician is known as the father of modern computers and helped the Allies beat the Nazis by cracking their code.  Since being gay was a crime, Turing was later arrested and charged with gross indecency.  He made a deal to avoid prison by agreeing to be chemically castrated with female hormones – which made him grow breasts and go somewhat mad.  He took his own life in 1954 at the age of 41.  The new £50 note with his image will be released on June 23, 2021.

Pickles & Maye in Florida

Greetings from Florida – or, as I like to call it, Ground Zero.  I understand that people have pent-up energy from social distancing, but one man found a creative form of companionship.  The headline is what caught my eye – “Florida Man Caught Pleasuring Himself with Produce”.  Police in Tampa were called to a townhouse where a man was found lying outside unconscious after “using a pickle to penetrate his rectum while he was masturbating”.  So many questions.  First up, he was found at 4PM – why, it wasn’t even happy hour!  I also noted that the pickle wasn’t even taken into evidence.  And, what is the man’s religion?  If he’s Jewish, perhaps he used kosher dill!

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Only something mighty special (or a few Fireball shots) would get me to enter the belly of the beast.  The mighty special event was the 93rd birthday of the marvelous Marilyn Maye.  Her sold-out run at the Wick Theatre in Boca Raton was such a success, they had to add shows.  Auntie Marilyn – especially when accompanied by Billy Stritch – never disappoints.  In fact, I think she’s in better voice now than ever.  Mo Rocca was there to capture the event for CBS, and Marilyn was fêted by such luminaries as the Countess Luann, attorney Mark Sendroff, director Richard Jay-Alexander, Randy Roberts and Varla Jean Merman, and oodles of others.  Photos and videos can be found on BillyMasters.com.

 

Disney Prince Shows All

Our Ask Billy question comes from Jared in Rhode Island: “I’m totally in love with Franek Skywalker.  He’s so freaking hawt, great ass, and has a huge dick.  He says he was on a Disney Channel show.  Is that true?”

Franek is very popular on social media.  He describes himself as a “real-life Disney prince” – and that’s true.  In his younger years, he had been on Do Dzwonka.  Ring a bell?  Probably not.  It was the Polish version of As the Bell Rings (I never heard of the US version).  These days, he’s a model with an OnlyFans page.  Jared is right – Franek is hot – if you like a great face, a perfectly sculpted torso, rock-hard ass, and impressive penis.  Check out BillyMasters.com and decide for yourself.

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When a Disney prince is showing off his Polish sausage and buns, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I’ve suddenly got a hankering for some kielbasa.  While I grab something to munch on, you can check out loads of tasty treats on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll whet your appetite.  If you have a question for me, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Ruta kisses Franek’s ass!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

Ruta & Billy Together Again

Without question, it would be blasphemous to miss a single episode of Billy Masters LIVE.  Last week, we celebrated our one-year anniversary with my favorite sparring partner – NECN political commentator Sue O’Connell.  Then we were joined by Mack Beggs, the trans male wrestler fighting for the rights of all trans athletes.  It was a provocative conversation which – and brace yourselves – actually got me to consider changing my often intransigent views.  We didn’t come up with any solutions, but maybe you will when you watch it on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Things will get very lively on Thursday, April 8th when I’m joined by one of my favorite people.  Ruta Lee is a Hollywood legend and one of the great raconteurs.  From classic films like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, to timeless small-screen shows like The Twilight Zone, or stage musicals like Hello, Dolly, she always delivers.  Her new autobiography, Consider Your Ass Kissed is filled with dish and dirt up and down Hollywood Boulevard – where she has a Star!  We’ll talk about her life, career, and philanthropy – primarily as a founding member of The Thalians.  Consider yourself reminded to tune in.

 

Satantic Sneakers Suit

Lil Nas X partnered with MSCHF for limited-edition sneakers to be released in conjunction with his latest song (and epic video), “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)”.  When I saw the prototype, I was shocked.  Unless Nas was in business with Nike, this was obviously trademark infringement.  Aside from appropriating the Nike logo, the company’s Air Max design was clearly copied.  I expected a suit, I didn’t expect it would be about blood.  Oh, yes – each of Lil Nas X’s limited edition of 666 pairs allegedly includes a drop of human blood!  BTW, MSCHF previously produced Jesus Shoes, which allegedly had a drop of water from the River Jordan…blessed by a priest!  Nike was outraged.  “We do not have a relationship with Little Nas X or MSCHF.  Nike did not design or release these shoes and we do not endorse them,” said the sneaker giant – and you’ve gotta love a corporate press release that refers to Nas as “Little”.  They demanded all the shoes be destroyed.  Problem is, they’ve already “soled” out!

 

Legal Woes in the Air

It must be Spring, because all of a sudden there’s a flurry of legal activity in the air.  Remember Benjamin Crosswhite?  Let me jog your memory – he was the “personal trainer” to Jerry Falwell Jr. who was given an 18-acre fitness facility and $650K for “services rendered”.  He’s filed a lawsuit against the Reuters media outlet because they referred to him as “another pool boy”.  Benji claims their account of the affair caused him “scorn, ridicule, and public humiliation”.  One bit of the suit caught my eye – prior to the Reuters report, “Ben enjoyed an untarnished reputation as a personal trainer and businessman.”

Next up is a surprising sex scandal involving Matt Gaetz.  I call it “surprising” because nowhere is there any mention of other men, boys, or his “adopted son”.  No, believe it or not, the Republican Congressman from Florida is being investigated for an alleged sexual relationship with a teenage GIRL!  I know – shocking!  It’s also alleged that Matt paid a 17-year-old girl to “travel” with him.  We hear that the payment could have been in cash, drugs, or a combo platter.  Crossing state lines means charges of sex trafficking are being investigated, and Gaetz is being probed.  I will suppress the obvious joke.

Glee Reunion Drama

You may have heard that members of the cast of Glee will reunite to pay tribute to Naya Rivera.  However, one person who most certainly will not be in attendance is Lea Michele.  Lea and Naya had what could politely be referred to as a combative relationship – and by “combative”, think Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  The question is not whether she didn’t want to appear – it’s if she was asked NOT to.  My sources tell me that several members of the cast made it clear – if Lea’s involved, they wouldn’t participate.  But she’s more than welcome to watch the GLAAD Media Awards on April 8th at 8PM Eastern on their YouTube channel (or at 10PM on Hulu).

Billy’s Got Mack Beggs

I know you were all watching Billy Masters LIVE with my special guest, Christopher Atkins.  I had no idea the whole show would be about penises!  Flaccid penises, semi-erect penises, and lots of talk about – you guessed it – penises (with numerous visual aids).  When preparing for the show, I watched a whole lotta Christopher Atkins, to the point that my carpal tunnel started flaring up.  Turns out, he’s done loads of full-frontal work, which you know I brought up – and which you can see on BillyMasters.com.  We also discussed memorable moments in his past, present, and future – which includes writing, directing, and reality.  And ghosts!  Oh, and a juicy story about Gina Lollobrigida!  I kid you not.  Check it out on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Believe it or not, it’s our anniversary.  Our first official episode was on March 31, 2020.  Time flies…in quarantine!  So on Thursday, April 1st, we’ve got another episode ripped from the headlines.  Have you been following the story of Mack Beggs?  He’s the trans male wrestler who is fighting for his right to compete against men and not women.  Mack will be our special guest, so definitely tune into Billy Masters LIVE.  ‘Cause if we’re there, we’re live.

Ellen DeGeneres’ Drama

There’s other trouble in daytime.  According to Nielsen (the ratings company – not Brigitte), Ellen has lost roughly one MILLION viewers!  It bears noting that her season premiere back in September was the highest-rated episode in more than four years.  Why?  Because everyone wanted to see how Ellen would address the “toxic workplace” claims.  They came, they saw, they tuned out.  And the ratings plummeted.  Troublesome times. 

Recently, it was Portia DeRossi DeGeneres who was in trouble.  You would already know this story if you were still watching Ellen.  This is how DeGeneres opened her show last Tuesday:  “How was everybody’s weekend?  Anybody else have to rush their wife to the emergency room for an appendectomy?  Anybody?  No?  Just me?”  Yes, just her.  One night, the couple went to bed early.  Ellen awoke to find Portia “on the floor on all fours”.  My first thought was DeRossi was in the mood for a spirited game of leapfrog – because, I must confess, I’m not well-versed in the art of lesbian sex.  Turns out, it was neither sexual nor amphibial.  Ellen drove Portia to the hospital, but couldn’t go in with her due to Covid restrictions.  The next morning, she got a call that they’d have to slice Portia open like a sturgeon.  Bing, bang, boom – appendix out.  See all the excitement you miss when don’t tune in?

 

Sharon Osbourne’s Out

I hate to say I called it, but I called it – Sharon Osbourne has left The Talk.  Left/Pushed/Fired…who knows.  But she’s out.  In a situation that has had more twists and turns than Ratatouille (the film, not the yummy French stew), the sole remaining original co-host is history.  As you know, it started with Osbourne standing up for the rights of a commentator to express his opinion and led to Sharon accused of being a racist on live television.  Then she was chastised for being outraged at the premeditated attack.  But, it doesn’t end there.  Several rumors are floating around CBS Studio City.  Some people claim the network will use this situation as an excuse to axe the ratings-challenged talker.  Another is that a newbie to the panel has designs on running the show.  And a third is that creator and former moderator Sara Gilbert will be offered any amount of money to come back.  Stay tuned.

More Nudity on Riverdale

Our Ask Billy question comes from George in Pasadena: “I heard that someone on Riverdale did gay porn.  Who was it?  My money’s on KJ Apa.”

While Apa has shown his share of skin, it wasn’t him – although a year or so ago, a photo of an erect penis surfaced that allegedly stems from one of his online trysts.  And it wasn’t Charles Melton, who plays Reggie (actually he’s the second Reggie, but that’s another story).  The closest Melton got to gay porn was posing nude for D&G.  The Riverdale actor who allegedly did gay porn was Tommy Martinez, who plays Malachai.  But let’s be clear – he also allegedly did straight porn.  He goes under the name Logan, and his most memorable scene is called She Sucks It So Good #31.  Needless to say, all of these guys can be found on BillyMasters.com.

 

Christopher Atkins Bare

I’ll be waiting with Christopher Atkins.  Oh, yes, THAT Christopher Atkins – the pin-up that everyone reading this column had impure thoughts about (and wore out the stripping scene on their VHS copy of A Night in Heaven).  I used to dream about walking into my high school reunion with Atkins on my arm.  The next best thing is Christopher Atkins coming on Billy Masters LIVE – and if you read that phrase the correct way, it’s awfully titillating.  On Thursday, March 25th at 3PM Eastern / Noon Pacific, we’ll talk about his acting, his modeling, the highs, the lows, and if he’ll buy me a corsage.  You can watch on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Last Thursday’s show was a HOOT!  Martha Wash is a diva who dishes.  She tells it like it is and, honey, I was surprised by some of the things she had to say.  When Jeanie Tracy joined us, we got into some Sylvester stories.  I think we’ll do a whole Sylvester tribute show during Pride month.

Train Wreck At The Talk

During a View sketch on Saturday Night Live, Cheri Oteri (as BW) said, “Some people call it a train wreck – we call it The View.”  Let’s welcome The Talk to train wreck status.  We left the ladies doing two more shows after Sheryl was manipulated by the show’s executive producers to nail Sharon Osbourne to a cross.  Her crime?  Saying that Piers Morgan – who is paid to be a pundit – is entitled to speak his mind.  Despite disagreeing with him, Sharon was branded a racist.  She has since revealed that for the first time in Talk history, she was not prepped for the segment(s), nor was she given any cards with questions or talking points.  That’s because the questions all went to Sheryl and Elaine, the two women of color on the panel – and they were allegedly instructed to take turns cross-examining Sharon.  Could Osbourne have been more thoughtful or eloquent?  Sure – if she had cards written for her, or perhaps been given a chance to prepare.

The Talk promptly went on hiatus while CBS launched a formal investigation.  Then Sharon went public, calling this ambush “the biggest setup ever”.  She also revealed that the co-hosts made a pact a few months ago that they would never set up a fellow co-host to answer something emotional that they were not prepared for.  So, she’s not happy.  “I wish that we could go on and have an adult conversation, calmly, and work it out but I don’t know whether we can.  I don’t know whether it’s gone past that.  But I don’t know whether I even want to go back.  I don’t know whether I’m wanted there.”  The hiatus has been extended twice.  Initially, it was for two days.  Then it was through this Monday – due to a basketball pre-emption.  Now CBS has decided to make the hiatus two weeks.

 

Inside Mia and Woody

“I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy.  
Ava Gardner, when told Sinatra had married Mia Farrow.

I waded through all four hours of Allen v. Farrow, and I’m surprised to note that Mia comes off as very credible and photographs like a dream under controlled settings (but, for the love of God, stay out of natural sunlight).  Dylan, too, seems sincere.  Alas, this is a one-sided documentary with holes you could drive a bulldozer through.  For instance, Mia says every time Dylan talked about the alleged assault, she grabbed her camcorder to collect evidence.  Very smart.  She also claims that Dylan was out of control – crying, angry, confused, and upset.  Where the hell are those tapes?  What we saw was a normal kid matter-of-factly fidgeting, disinterested, and occasionally pausing to think of the right words to say.  Everything Dylan asks the public to consider about her side could apply to the other.  For more on that side, read Soon-Yi’s story in New York Magazine (which is on Vulture.com).  As with the doc, you have to sift through some self-serving garbage.  But, ultimately, you’ll draw your own conclusion.

Gone with Designing Women

The latest victim of political correctness is Chris Harrison.  Here’s a brief recap.  Harrison was a guest on the podcast of a former Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay (a woman of color).  Rachel showed a photo of a current contestant, Rachael Kirkconnell (a woman devoid of color) attending a “plantation-themed fraternity formal” in 2018.  Black Rachel accused White Rachael of being racially insensitive, and wanted Harrison’s take.  His first mistake was going on Black Rachel’s podcast.  His second was expressing an opinion.  “Well, Rachel, is it a good look in 2018?  Or is it not a good look in 2021?  Because there’s a big difference.”  Black Rachel countered, “It’s not a good look ever.  If I went to that party, what would I represent?”  Chris compounded his problems by doing an apology interview with Michael Strahan on Good Morning America.  I’ve seen more relaxed hostage videos!  Shortly thereafter, it was announced that Harrison would not host the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.

Let me take you back to 1993 and a little sitcom called Designing Women – a show set in Atlanta about a design firm owned by four white ladies and their black delivery man (who eventually became a partner).  The last episode of the series was called “Gone with the Whim”.  The team was hired to redecorate an old Southern mansion, reminiscent of Tara.  Each member of the cast imagines what it would have been like to live during the antebellum era.  While the ladies wax rhapsodically, Anthony states that his image of Tara and Scarlett O’Hara is not like theirs.  In his fantasy, Scarlett is played by the dreamy Sheryl Lee Ralph, while Jan Hooks is a priggish Prissy.  In Alice Ghostley’s version, Anthony is her Rhett Butler.  Before they go off together, he reminds her that it is 1865 – he’s black, she’s white and people will talk.  Bernice responds, “Frankly, my dear – I don’t give a damn”.  Anthony scoops her up in his arms and carries her up the stairs.  The final words of the entire series are Bernice singing, “Black man”.  Would that make it on the air today?  No.  Is it funny?  Decide for yourself – the clip is on BillyMasters.com.  But, whatever you do, don’t ask Chris Harrison what he thinks.  He’s got enough problems.

Sharon Stands By Piers

Then there’s this whole Piers Morgan/Sharon Osbourne mess.  Piers doesn’t like Meghan.  They were “friendly” until she started dating Harry.  Then she cut him out of her life.  He didn’t like it.  The end.  By standing up for his Queen and saying he didn’t believe Meghan’s slights were race-based, this made him a racist.  His friend Sharon Osbourne came to his defense – not for the things he said (some of which she pointedly disagreed with), but for his right to say them as a commentator.  And, poof, she, too, was a racist.  This led to one of the most awkward half hours in television history on The Talk.  When Sharon asked if Sheryl Underwood – who has worked by her side for a decade – thought she was a racist, it was eerily reminiscent of The View when Rosie O’Donnell asked if Elisabeth Hasselbeck thought she was against the troops.  The only thing missing was a split screen!  Unlike Elisabeth, who sheepishly voiced support for Rosie, Sheryl insinuated that Sharon was guilty of “unconscious bias”.  When Sharon asked if it was possible to criticize a person of color and not be accused of being racist, the point was glossed over awkwardly.  Sharon has not quit the show (yet) nor refused to show up for work (yet), but the damage has been clearly done – culminating in Sharon releasing an (unnecessary) apology on social media.  CBS is allegedly investigating the matter and the show has gone on an emergency hiatus.

Oprah Wants Chicken

But nobody is talking about what I feel is the most disturbing thing in the Meghan/Harry interview – those poor chickens.  At one point, the semi-royal couple showed Oprah their chicken coop.  I’m no expert, but I have never in my life seen such frightened birds!  Have you ever seen chickens run AWAY from a hand full of feed?  It’s like they knew Oprah had a pan of sizzling oil off-camera!  The fact that she was carrying a carton of eggs didn’t help.

Meg & Harry Make Waves

As someone who has travelled extensively and worked abroad, I know a thing or two about being an outsider.  You’d think being gay would be an issue, but I’ve found foreigners tend to be biased against Americans.  I thought about this during Meghan and Harry’s interview with Oprah.  Nobody mentioned that the Brits could have troubles with her being a Yank…to say nothing of being a divorcée or an “actress” (well, an actress from the USA Network).  The problem is because she’s black – or black-ish.  That’s the heart of every slight.  I counter that hypothesis with two words – Princess Diana.  Di had problems with the royal family and the press – more than Meghan – but there was never a more Caucasian person.  Except, perhaps, Fergie – and I don’t recall anyone in the royal family jumping to her defense when the paparazzi captured that toe-sucking incident.  Frankly, I think being disliked is par for the course when it comes to royal in-laws.  Aside from Kate…but that’s another kettle of fish.

I completely believe that someone queried about the possible skin color of Harry and Meghan’s child.  Thanks to Whoopi Goldberg, I’ve now learned that this topic comes up virtually every time an interracial couple has a child.  Of course, context is everything – and that remains a mystery.  Racial prejudice was also presented as the reason why Archie is not a prince.  But that isn’t the case – as Harry and Meg well know.  The issuance of titles was formally put into place by George V in 1917.  Basically, the further down you are in the line of succession, the fewer perks.  This includes titles, and security is limited to working senior royals.  When Harry was “the spare” (third in line for the crown, after Charles and William), he was important.  Now that he’s sixth (and living in America)… not so much.  Yes, QEII could make an exception – as she did with William and Kate’s kids.  Only George was obliged to be a prince.  Charlotte and Louis probably got titles to avoid any sibling rivalry.

 

Boreanaz’s Boner?

Our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in Detroit: “Have you seen that video of David Boreanaz jerking off?  Is it real?  It sure looks like him.”

I have and I agree.  But can I prove it?  No.  The most I am willing to do is say that it sure looks like him.  From the face, to the voice, to the tattoo.  It bears noting that person in question has a rather large appendage.  However, the same adjective could be used to describe his stomach.  And yet, he still has abs – so I hate him!  Love him or hate him, you can check him out for yourself at BillyMasters.com.

 

Modern Luke Grows Up

Many of you have written in asking if I’ve seen those “thirsty photos of Nolan Gould”.  While I wouldn’t refer to them quite so crassly, I have indeed seen his “spread” in People magazine.  Nolan explains, “I’ve been working out an hour and half every day with my friend Michael who is a personal trainer.  We have a really cool socially-distant setup that has allowed me to get fit while also being safe.”  In my many, many relationships with “personal trainers”, I always insist on being safe.  Should you be so inclined, check out the pics on our website.

Billy Masters LIVE

You know who else tells the story he wants?  Billy Masters – by way of this very column and on Billy Masters LIVE.  Last week, we welcomed the legendary Renée Taylor for an in-depth look at her career as a writer, director and actor, her long marriage and collaboration with Joe Bologna, and her plans for the future – including the film Tango Shalom, currently winning awards at film festivals worldwide.  We were joined by the film’s director, her son Gabriel Bologna, along with one of her most frequent co-stars – Lainie Kazan.  It was a veritable lovefest that you can still watch on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

On Thursday, March 11th, our show is literally ripped from the headlines.  I previously told you about former WWE wrestler Tyler Reks coming out as transgender.  The now-Gabbi Tuft will speak to us about her journey and what comes next.  Speaking of what comes next, people are making a small fortune during this pandemic with OnlyFans sites.  We’ll be sitting down with gay couple Rick & Griff Twombley-King, who have been making roughly $100K/month doing OnlyFans shows.  Tune in to get some tips.

Jodie’s Got No Secrets

You know what you can count on every year after the Golden Globes?  Headlines stating that it was the lowest-rated show ever!  True to form, this was once again the case – with a twist.  “Golden Globes Ratings Fall To All-Time Low for NBC”.  It may have previously had lower ratings on another network, but this is NBC’s lowest.  And I didn’t help things.  Not only did I not tune in live, I didn’t even scan through the show for six days.  And here’s my honest review – I didn’t miss much.  I didn’t find it terrible.  Even pre-pandemic, the Globes are…well, anemic (but a great party).  Still, I love any show where Jamie Lee Curtis gets to show off her Golden Globes.  “They are now well-fed.  They are back in the stable.  They don’t need to come out for another five years,” says Curtis.  The phrase “ridden hard and put away wet” springs to mind.  So does the phrase, “You get what you paid for.”

Remember that long, rambling speech Jodie Foster made back in 2013 when she won the Cecil B. DeMille Award?  That was when she said she was going public with a secret, that wasn’t really a secret, but maybe she wouldn’t tell the secret – because then it wouldn’t be a secret any longer.  Now it’s eight years later, and she celebrated her award win by kissing her wife.  Jodie married Alexandra Hedison in 2014 – the year after she toyed with sharing her big secret.  BTW, Alexandra had previously been in a relationship with Ellen DeGeneres, who is currently with Portia De Rossi, who – fun fact – legally petitioned to change her name to Portia Lee James DeGeneres.  I don’t think the Lee has anything to do with Jamie Lee, but let’s say she did.

Jonathan’s Homemade Foam

In our brief Ask Billy question, Howie in Dallas asks, “I heard that Jonathan Bennett accidentally showed his penis online and then had the pic pulled.  Can you track it down?”

I can, and I did.  Here’s the story.  One morning, Jonathan posted a photo by his pool.  He was reclining on a chaise, and showed his clear espresso glass with the caption “Good morning”.  The problem is, a clear glass with dark liquid reflects whatever is facing it – especially if that item is large enough to be the center of a sundial!  And, that’s how we got to see Bennett’s breakfast banger.  Whether it was fluffed for the purpose of this photo or if it’s naturally thick and juicy at roughly 10AM, you’ll have to decide for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

 

Here Comes Renée Taylor

I’m sorry – that’s all I can say for the lack of new episodes of Billy Masters LIVE last week.  I’ve been working on another project during our hiatus, and was unable to make my schedule work.  And, as you know, if I’m not live, I’m not there.  However, this week we should be doing a show.  On Thursday, March 4th, we may be joined by one of my all-time favorite actresses – Renée Taylor.  The younger fans know her as Fran Drescher’s mother on the aforementioned sitcom, The Nanny.  Those of us a tad older marvel at her extensive stage and screen career – often working with her husband, Joe Bologna.  She’s in a new film, and it’s truly a family affair.  Tango Shalom is directed by the couple’s son, Gabriel Bologna, and features Renée alongside Joe, in what turned out to be his last performance.  It also features one of Renée’s best friends and frequent collaborators – the effervescent Lainie Kazan.  Throw in Dancing with the Stars veteran professional, Karina Smirnoff, and it sounds too good to be true.  As is typical during this pandemic, everything is subject to change – but I promise you that I will be there.  So simply tune in on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV.  Or just watch it on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Cops Squash Mexican Kiss

During this pandemic, it’s easy to forget the everyday struggles people in the real world face.  Surely harassing a gay couple for kissing in a public place is the least of our problems.  And yet, it caused quite a kerfuffle when two men kissed on the beach in Tulum, Mexico.  Within moments, police officers approached the couple.  This caught the attention of Maritza Escalante, who documented what she witnessed on TikTok.  She describes the guys as “young foreigners”.  She saw the police arrive to question them, and then saw armed back-up handcuff the couple!  She asked officers why the couple was being detained.  “Because they were gay and they kissed,” was what they told her.  Keep this in mind next time you’re planning a vaycay.

Lady Gaga’s Dog Drama

When does “no questions asked” not mean “no questions asked”?  When it’s about Lady Gaga’s dogs.  I really hate to think that there’s someone out there who hasn’t been following this story.  But, because I specialize in full service, let me fill you in.  Last Wednesday, Lady Gaga’s Hollywood dog walker Ryan Fischer was out walking her three French Bulldogs – Koji, Gustav, and Asia…and may I pause for a moment to note that none of those names sounds even remotely French.  During their walk, two Black men wearing hoodies jumped out of a white Nissan Altima.  One of the assailants shot him in the chest, while the other made off with the three dogs.  But, not so fast…Miss Asia proved to be too much of a handful, so she escaped unharmed and stayed with Ryan.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga was in Italy.  Since this all happened at 10PM Pacific, it was about 7AM the next morning in Italy.  And Gaga was devastated – not so devastated that she didn’t show up to work on the film Gucci…‘cause, a gig’s a gig.  She promptly offered a $500K reward for the safe return of her little babies – “No questions asked”.  She added, “I continue to love you Ryan Fischer, you risked your life to fight for our family.  You’re forever a hero.”  BTW, Ryan is expected to make a full recovery.  But, wait, there’s more!  Within 48 hours, a woman came forward…with the two dogs!  Allegedly, she found them tied to a pole.  But, you know, “No questions asked” means she wants her reward.  While police say she doesn’t appear to have been involved, this whole incident sounds eerily like a storyline on The Nanny.  They solved that case because of an ice cream truck playing Barbra Streisand songs.  In this instance, I say that the woman should get the reward.

Reggie’s Leaning Ass

Our Ask Billy question comes from Paul in Rhode Island: “I heard that Charles Melton was posing nude for some ad that’s only gonna air in Europe.  Could you track it down?”

Let’s first remind the readers who Charles Melton is – he plays Reggie on Riverdale.  He’s actually the second Reggie.  The model/actor also has a mighty toned torso.  Alas, the ad in question is not a commercial – it’s a photo spread for Dolce & Gabbana.  And “spread” is the correct term.  I’m not exactly sure what he’s modeling, because he’s fully naked.  In one shot, he’s clinging to a column and showing his assets to the camera.  In another, he’s perusing a bookcase.  Once again, a gig’s a gig, and an ass is an ass, which you can check out on BillyMasters.com.

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When Reggie’s using his dick as a bookmark, it’s definitely time to end another column.  That’s both a good place for a stick-up and a nasty place for a paper cut.  Cut or uncut, everything shows up on www.BillyMasters.com – the site with loads of columns for Melton to lean against.  Should you have a question, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I run into any more actors – and I do not mean in the Halle Berry way!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Whoopi’s Out, Megan’s In

One of the most exciting things that was supposed to happen in 2020 was Whoopi Goldberg reprising her role of Deloris Van Cartier in the stage musical Sister Act in London’s West End.  Obviously, that production was postponed – until the summer of 2021.  With the coronavirus dragging on and on, the opening has been pushed to July 19, 2022.  Brace yourself – it gets worse.  I’ll let Whoopi tell you herself: “Sister Act is near and dear to my heart, and I’m disappointed that I will be unable to perform in this production under the circumstances.  However, my producing partners and I will continue to work towards mounting a fantastic production, with an amazing new cast.”  The new cast has yet to be announced, but I fear Jennifer Saunders is also out as the Mother Superior.

If it’s any consolation, the West End will soon see a revival of Cole Porter’s Anything Goes starring Megan Mullally.  It’s adding insult to injury.  That show will run for 11 weeks at the Barbican starting on June 5th.

Billy, Mary, Eric & Eliza

Last week was a big one on Billy Masters LIVE – and that’s not the first time the words “Billy Masters” and “big” appeared together.  On Tuesday, we celebrated the life of Mary Wilson and The Supremes with some pretty great guests – including performers Darlene Love, Ruth Pointer, Freda Payne, and Scherrie Payne.  But it was Thursday’s show that surprised me.  Eric Roberts has been a respected actor for decades – in fact, he holds a record for the American actor with the most film credits…ever!  How many?  596 as of today.  Eric and his wife Eliza joined us for over 90 minutes of in-depth discussion about his career and his iconic roles – including playing Gregory Harrison’s lover in It’s My PartySherri Shepherd even popped in to reminisce about the ABC sitcom Less Than Perfect.  I was joined by my frequent sidekick, NECN’s political contributor Sue O’Connell.  It’s definitely worth checking out on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV.  Or just watch it on BillyMasters.com/TV.

As to this week’s shows, I believe I have a conflict on Tuesday – which likely means no show.  I will make an announcement on Facebook and YouTube.  We should be back to normal on Thursday, so stay tuned.

Rush & Elton & Ted & Mom

“Life is about building bridges, not walls.”  
Elton John, when criticized for performing at Rush Limbaugh’s 2010 wedding. 
Something I say all the time might have also been a good response – “A gig’s a gig.”

Rush Limbaugh is dead.  I can’t say this is a story I got excited about; I was far more interested in Ted Cruz doing the limbo, but that’s just me.  Make no mistake – I was no fan of Limbaugh (or Cruz, for that matter).  Then again, I never listened to Rush (or Cruz, for that matter).  Knowing the hatred Rush spewed, I wasn’t surprised at the hatred he provoked.  But I do find it fascinating when someone’s demise gives so many such glee – as if it really changes their lives.  If it brings you happiness, great.  If I don’t care for someone, I don’t give them much thought.

Onto another death – Mom.  Yes, CBS has announced that the much-lauded sitcom will wrap at the end of this season.  This one hurt.  Why?  Because this cancellation gives the impression that a great show with a great cast could not make it without the comic stylings of Anna Faris – the woman who sunk Overboard.  Are you telling me that Chris Pratt could go on without Anna, but Allison Janney can’t?  Oh, the humanity…

 

Farewell Ari Gold

As we went to press, we got word that Ari Gold passed away at 47.  Ari was a trailblazer in so many ways – as an LGBT personality, a recording artist, a model, and an advocate.  In July, he was a guest on Billy Masters LIVE.  We talked about his battle with leukemia and what kept him going when faced with so much adversity.  It was a difficult interview – particularly when I asked him “Are you hopeful?”  Watching it now, I find his honesty disarming, but also inspiring.  We’ll post the whole show on our website.

Billy Salutes Supremes

My favorite pop artists have been all-female groups from different eras – The Supremes, The Pointer Sisters, The Go-Go’s and The BanglesThe Supremes hold a special place in my heart.  While I have met every living Supreme, Mary Wilson made the biggest impression on me – mostly for her accomplishments in the face of huge obstacles.  When I got the call that she had passed away at what I consider the young age of 76, a little part of me died.  While it seemed unlikely that we’d ever see Diana, Mary and Cindy reunite onstage, I always held out hope that someday they’d be together.

We’ll be celebrating Mary Wilson on Tuesday’s episode of Billy Masters LIVE with some amazing guests – close friends, colleagues, producers, and biographers will come together to pay tribute to Mary and The Supremes’ legacy.  On Thursday, Eric Roberts will look back on his remarkable career.  And let me take a moment to toot my own horn – while I still can!  Last week, we returned for season two, and I was curious how many people would tune in after a six-week hiatus.  As of this writing, over four thousand of you watched me interview the magnificent Melissa Manchester.  Check out our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV, or just go to BillyMasters.com/TV.

Real World Reunion

For a young gay boy growing up in a Boston suburb, 1992 was a big year.  That was the first time I regularly saw a gay person on TV.  When MTV launched The Real World, they also started a reality craze that continues to this day.  Sure, we all lusted after Eric Nies, but Norm Korpi was out and proud and usually in a tub!  Paramount Plus is staging a reunion with the entire first-season cast.  The Real World Homecoming: New York drops on March 4th.

Dolly Parton is going to pop up on the final season of Grace and Frankie.  Or is she?  Most media outlets say it will happen, but I don’t believe it’s a done deal.  Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have long discussed wanting to write something for Dolly, but it’s happened.  Last week, Dolly was on the UK chat show Lorraine and said, “We’ve been trying to write me in somehow.  So when it’s safe for us to actually do a production when they’re back, I’ll probably get around to doing that.”  Meanwhile, Lily was talking to Hoda and Jenna on Today and said, “We have a great role for her this time.  I think she will do it.  I’m just hoping she will.”  Fingers crossed.

Susanne’s Intruder

Yes, I’m another year older and, given the alternative, that’s fine.  I didn’t purposely avoid mentioning my birthday – I simply forgot.  During these Covid days, I have no concept of date or time.  I thank you all for the messages, and I am grateful to be healthy.  I’m no spring chicken at 52.  But as Sophia Petrillo said, every year without a headstone is a milestone.

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Doing television during quarantine is tricky – anything can happen.  I’ve had my dog or a family member wander in during Billy Masters LIVE.  But Suzanne Somers found herself in a different situation.  She’s sitting on her patio, dressed in black, wearing some kinda crazy hat and veil like she was going to a royal wedding (by the way, Meghan Markle is pregnant again).  Somers was in the middle of giving a makeup tutorial and talking to dozens of fans on Facebook Live.  All of a sudden, she hears a noise behind her.  Could it be a coyote, an antelope, Joyce DeWitt?  Somers asked if someone was there.  A male voice responded, “I’m here”.  Suzanne then inexplicably said, “Come here” – like she was introducing her first guest.  In stumbles a fan who is described as “nearly naked”.  In actual fact, Aaron Carpenter was wearing underwear or a swimsuit.  He said ghosts were following him – although on repeated listening, he may very well have said “goats”.  He brought Suzanne a gift – a special mug.  She declined, saying, “I don’t want anything”.  The guy and his mug left peacefully.  He was later interrogated by the police, and let go with a warning.  Somewhere, Priscilla Barnes is asking law enforcement to give Aaron her address.

Trey Songz’ Sex Vid

Our Ask Billy question came from Robert in Atlanta: “Have you seen Trey Songz’ sex tape?  Could you post it?”

Believe it or not, I actually know who Trey Songz is.  The rapper/actor is the latest person to have a sex tape floating around.  The video shows a woman vigorously performing oral sex on a very well-hung gentleman.  Well, I’m using the term “gentleman” loosely, since he’s also the cameraman.  How do I know it’s Trey?  You can see a tattoo on the arm, which matches that on Trey’s arm.  Another hint is how the real Trey reacted.  When the tawdry tape went viral, Trey posted a video of himself hobbling through a lobby, with the song “Set It Off” playing in the background.  The lyrics are as follows: “I walk with a limp, ‘cause my nuts heavy, and I like it from the back, so hold your butt steady.”  If it walks like a dick, and talks like a dick – it’s a dick.  And it’s on BillyMasters.com.

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When we’re promoting more than Trey’s songz, it’s time to end yet another column.  There may have been a whole lotta singing in this column, but there’s even more to see.  Check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll tempt all your senses.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Duhamel is cast in the Call Me By Your Name sequel!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Billy Masters LIVE Returns

And now, the announcement you’ve all been waiting for – the return of Billy Masters LIVE.  Our season two premiere will take place on Thursday, February 11th with the magnificent Melissa Manchester.  We’ll talk about her career, her work with Barry Manilow and Bette Midler, and how she ties into my relocation to Los Angeles two decades ago.  As usual, we’ll have new shows for you every week.  To join in the fun, head over to our YouTube channel of Billy Masters TV, or just go to BillyMasters.com/TV.

 

Armie’s Out, Josh is In

Every once in a while, I think about Josh Duhamel – who was a staple of this column due to his full-frontal photos (we’ll post them again).  Thanks to Armie Hammer’s meltdown, Josh has a new gig.  As you’ll recall, Hammer was set to star in a frothy Jennifer Lopez flick.  Since JLo has no need for bad publicity, Hammer was dumped and Duhamel was hired for Shotgun Wedding.  At the time, Hammer still had options.  He planned to star in The Offer – a limited series about the making of The Godfather.  That series, which begins shooting any day now, suddenly finds itself in need of a lead as Hammer was quietly asked to leave.  He was also supposed to appear in Gaslit, a miniseries about the Watergate scandal which will star Julia Roberts and Sean Penn.  Once again, he’s out.  In a situation that has gone from bad to worse, Armie has also been dropped by his agents and publicist.

Trump is Home Alone…Too

You know what I never saw coming?  A fight between our former El Presidente and a former cast member of Beverly Hills, 90210.  Of course, that former cast member, Gabrielle Carteris, also happens to be the president of the Screen Actors Guild.  The board of SAG-AFTRA ruled that El Prez had “violated the union’s Constitution” – which is amusing since there’s still a debate over whether he violated the United States Constitution.  He was cited with dissemination of misinformation and threatening the safety of journalists.  Before the union could take action, El quit in a most amusing letter, which included this: “While I’m not familiar with your work, I’m very proud of my work on movies such as Home Alone 2, Zoolander and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps; and television shows including The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Saturday Night Live, and of course, one of the most successful shows in television history, The Apprentice – to name just a few!”  Gabby had a terse two-word response: “Thank You”.  By the by, SAG-AFTRA took the extra step of banning El Presidente for life!  Your turn, Congress.

Ariel In Drag and Out

Last week’s Ask Billy question about RuPaul Drag Race contestant Joey Jay has opened the floodgates.  This week, Phil in Chicago asks, “What do you know about Ariel Versace?  Friends tell me he shows all on OnlyFans – but I save my subscribing for BillyMasters.com.”

Flattery – it’ll get you anywhere with me.  Why it’s taken 25 years for people to figure that out is a mystery we’ll leave to Zachary Quinto.  As to Ariel Versace – a name that also doesn’t appear on a birth certificate – I did a bit of snooping.  First off, his real name is Bryan Philip Neel.  And, he recently made a startling confession when it comes to his racy content.  “It taught me to be more confident about my sexuality.  I have always been super insecure… this has definitely helped me let loose.”  Since Phil wants to see more of Ariel, I’ll share some choice bits with all of you – on BillyMasters.com.

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When drag queens are loosening up, it’s time to end yet another column.  And we have a late-breaking bulletin – Big Mama just called saying she found a place for her and Big Daddy to get the vaccine.  By the time you read this, they will have been pricked.  Alas, pricks are hard to find during a pandemic…even in Florida!  But, fear not – there’s a plethora of pricks available on www.BillyMasters.com – no appointment necessary.  If you have a question that only I can answer, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before any pricks come near me!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Foreign Tongues Wag

As you know, your beloved Billy typically summers in Europe – frequently frolicking with various gay porn pups with a preponderance of Xs, Ks, and Vs in their names and nary a vowel in sight.  I obviously stayed home last summer.  I now fear that this year will be no better.  Still, I was heartened to hear about an unidentified woman in Slovakia who detained a mugger at a gas station by giving him a blow job.  It is unclear if she performed oral sex out of fear of being hurt, or if she simply fancied the guy.  The woman – a hero by any standard – was offered a reward by onlookers.  She just shrugged and said, “I really don’t care – do you?”

Farewell Cloris & Cicely

It’s been a sad week for the Billy Masters Empire.  I owe some of my early success to Cloris Leachman.  In conspiratorial details that will be revealed in my forthcoming memoirs, Cloris asked me to slip a story into my column.  I wrote it with my usual aplomb, it got picked up everywhere, and led to my first credits in the mainstream press.  I believe it also led to my being included in Hot Topics on The View.  Cloris was delighted with the results.  She was a great gal – smart, talented, lovely, and bawdy.  She could do anything – and did…for 94 years.

I’d also like to acknowledge the passing of the 96-year-old Miss Cicely Tyson – whom I only met once, but who made an indelible impression on me.  She was a little bit of a thing, but she was clearly not one to trifle with.

 

Covid Vaccine Shortage

“I am happy to report that today, I took my dear friend Jo Anne Worley
to get her first COVID-19 vaccination!  Not only that, several nurses and
doctors recognized her and came over to the car to have a fan moment!”
  
A friend posted this on Facebook.  Slowly but surely, some of our elder
entertainers are getting vaccinated.  So, who’s bringing Betty White??

Neither snow nor rain nor pandemic could keep me from the swift completion of my appointed rounds in Fort Lauderdale.  Yes, this week I am coming to you from the lovely Filth2Go Beach House, which needed my attention.  Meanwhile back in Boston, Big Mama and Big Daddy are in a tizzy.  Although seniors over 75 can get their first vaccine shot, my parents are unable to secure an appointment.  Desperate as they may be, they are not desperate enough to go to either Gillette Stadium or Fenway Park – which, despite its name, does not have much parking.

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I watched the Inauguration with my parents, and vividly recall when the camera focused on Bernie Sanders.  The anchor said, “And there’s Bernie Sanders – he looks…” and before the person could say “warm” or “comfortable” or “bundled up”, Big Mama Masters finished the sentence as only she could – “like an asshole!”  Yes, it’s been two weeks, and we’re still talking about Bernie’s mittens.  Should you not be aware, the mittens – made of repurposed wool – were created by Jen Ellis, a second grade teacher in Essex Junction, Vermont.  She also happens to be a lesbian with a problem – she has over 12K orders for mittens that she is unable to fulfill.  Should you be thinking of sleeping with her to get bumped to the front of the line, think again.  Jen has a partner…and a child.  And if there’s one thing I know about lesbians, they aren’t willing to cheat just to make a buck (as opposed to gay men, who will cheat to get a better parking spot).  I’m pleased to report that Jen just partnered with the Vermont Teddy Bear Company to meet the growing demand – and will donate a portion of the proceeds to charity.  Mittens for everyone!

Drag Queen’s Big Selfie

Our Ask Billy question refers to someone I knew nothing about.  Frank in Baltimore asks, “What can you tell me about Joey Jay?  I found a nude photo of him and he’s mighty hot.”

This is the first I’ve heard of Joey Jay, who competes on this season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  The dashing dude has the distinction of being the first contestant to hail from Phoenix, Arizona, and this was actually his third attempt to get on the show.  He’s 30 years old and prefers performing without a wig – instead, sporting a wisteria rinse.  The Internet tells us that he’s Jewish, but I would have figured that out from the plethora of penis pics that have been discovered, under the moniker ArizonaGayBoi.  Naturally, you can see all on BillyMasters.com.

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When the carpet definitely doesn’t match the drapes, it’s time to end yet another column.  I know everyone is piling on Armie Hammer, but I’m gonna stand up for him.  Actually, I’d get on all fours for him.  Speaking of which, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found strange men on all fours on my bed…and, as luck would have it, some of them were pageant winners!  Admittedly, not from reputable pageants.  The point is – we all have a past.  And you can check out every inch of my past, present, and future on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that could win Miss Congeniality!  If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before someone posts a photo of what’s inside my lucky jeans!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

 

More Hammer Woes

Armie Hammer continues to be plagued by bad decisions.  After those troublesome texts revealed last week, his words are once more working against him.  A private video shows Hammer giving a tour of his hotel room in the Ritz-Carlton Cayman Islands.  He claims to have had to change rooms after “noise complaints”.  He shows us the bathroom, the closet, and then he goes into the bedroom where we see a woman in a bra and panties on all fours on the bed (the video is on BillyMasters.com).  He simply says, “The bed looks comfy”.  He later commented, “So I have to go back to Cayman…which sucks.  Except there are a few silver linings.  Like fucking Ms. Cayman again while I’m down there.”  This set off protests from the actual Miss Cayman pageant!  Hammer first responded by saying, “I would like to clarify that the person in my video, which was stolen from my private Instagram, is not Miss Cayman.”  He then added, “I am genuinely sorry for any confusion my foolish attempt at humor may have caused.  My deep sympathies to Miss Cayman, who I don’t know, and to the entire organization, as I had no intentions of implying she was actually Miss Cayman.”  I’ve gotta give Hammer some credit.  If this had been El Former Presidente being accused of sleeping with Miss Universe, his response would have been, “So?”

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