This week’s Ask Billy question came from Henry in Detroit:  “I just saw a headline that said Rory Culkin shows his penis in Swarm.  It’s called ‘shocking’.  Do you have it?”

I have no idea what Swarm is.  Is it something to do with bees?  If so, count me out – unless I have an EpiPen handy.  But, I tracked down the footage, which takes place in the first episode…so, apparently this is a series.  There is Culkin, naked as the day he was born, with his penis smooshed against a glass bowl of strawberries.  Why?  Who can say.  One of my proofreaders tells me that the New York Post called it “dirty and unnecessary”.  Judge for yourself – on BillyMasters.com.

Let’s move on to a show that’s still on the air…kinda.  I’m sure you all know that Tyra Banks has left Dancing with the Stars.  After alienating roughly half of the viewing public, I’m told she not so much left as was pushed out.  You also may have heard that Julianne Hough will be back to co-host.  But that almost wasn’t the case.  Jockeying for that slot was another Hough…Derek.  He felt he would be a perfect host for the show.  When Julianne’s name was thrown into the mix, there was some talk of her returning to the judges’ table (where she had been for three seasons prior to Derek).  I hear the brass felt that they already had Alfonso Ribeiro as co-host, so a feminine touch was needed.  I’ll let you fill in your own joke.

BTW, Mark Ballas has once again proclaimed he is done with the DWTS franchise.  After his last performance with the touring company, he said, “I’m coming to a close tonight.  This is gonna be my last dance…Thank you guys for a lifetime of memories.”

Entrepreneur Peter Thiel is co-founder of PayPal and a gay conservative.  He’s also entangled in the death of a male model.  A blind item recently made the rounds about a model who committed suicide after his billionaire beau married another.  People identified the model as Jeff Thomas and the mogul as David Geffen.  They got it half right.  In an unreleased interview from last November, Thomas identifies himself as being “kept” by the married Thiel, and he clearly knew his worth.  “If I’m gonna give up relationships I have and give up my dreams right now, during Covid, or dating other guys or pursuing people, then I’m going to get a $300,000 car and I’m going to get a $13 million home.”  This probably sounds like a great deal, but it comes at a price.  “It was stressful, [Thiel] wanted me to get the nicest car, the nicest house.  He wanted to kind of show his power, to kind of show that he had me in his dollhouse.”  Thomas adds, “It’s not like I was his boyfriend really, I was just kind of his friend that was there for him when he needed, you know, whatever he needed.”   Whatever!

And yet, Jeff reportedly got tired of being “kept” and moved from Hollywood to Miami.  But not into some little apartment.  He moved into a high-priced high-rise and continued to have all of the trappings of his previous life.  How far he got from Thiel is questionable since he attended the billionaire’s New Year’s Eve party.  Friends say he was thinking about becoming a firefighter or EMT.  On March 8^th, he posted a video from an icy plunge pool looking as hot as ever.  Hours later, he was dead on the pavement far below his deluxe apartment in the sky.  One agent tried to spin Jeff’s fall as an accident while trying to take a selfie from his balcony.  From everything I’ve read, Thomas was a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid.  His brother quickly went public, saying Jeff “struggled with addiction and mental health challenges, which ultimately led to his tragic passing.”  Thiel has not issued a comment.

“This makes me happy for the OG Charmed fans.  What a gift!”
– Alyssa Milano captions a photo of Shannen Doherty, Holly Marie Combs and Rose McGowan
at 90s Con.  No word on why Alyssa missed this Charmed reunion…but we can guess.

90s Con reunited casts from 90s shows, including 90210 and Charmed.  While Shannen Doherty was scheduled to appear on the Charmed panel, she skipped the 90210 one.  But she did pose with the cast in attendance (Tori, Jennie, Jason, Ian).  Several fans even got professional photos between Shannen and Jason – as you’ll see on our website.

Then Doherty joined the “power of three” …kinda.  Three “charmed ones” were there – Shannen, Holly Marie Combs and Rose McGowan (who replaced Doherty).  Also on the dais were Brian Krause, Dorian Gregory, and Drew Fuller.  Shannen first addressed her cancer battle, saying, “I’m feeling great, thank you!”  Then she lightened the mood.  She feigned ignorance after seeing fans with autographs that said, “Forever, Chris” or “Love Chris”.  “I just want to know who Chris is?” she asked.  That would be Fuller, who joined the show after her departure.  When the panel was asked who was the favorite villain or demon, Shannen had no hesitation.  “Cole…I was fortunate enough to date Cole in real life and, uh…yeah, Cole was my favorite demon.”

Hot ass play leads to this week’s Ask Billy question.  Robert from DC writes:  “Wow!  It looks like David Geffin (sic) just married one of the hottest men on this planet!  Got any nudes of Donovan Michaels?”

Well, who doesn’t?  I guess many of you – because this was a very popular question.  While the nuptials haven’t been confirmed by the happy couple, here’s a tidbit that the mainstream press has missed – Donovan Michaels is gay porn actor Brandon Foster, who worked for Randy Blue.  I don’t believe he’s done any celluloid stuff in close to a decade, but at the time he was billed as a “power top” – quelle surprise!  Of course, the 80-year-old Geffen was previously linked with gay porn pup Justin Matthews, who was known for a similar specialty.  You know what I always say – stick with what you know.  And if you’d like to see him stick it in, check out BillyMasters.com.

When Donovan can carry Geffen across the threshold without using his hands, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  And a pretty racy one at that.  What can I say?  I know my audience, because you’re all checking out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is always safe.  If you have a favorite position, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Keanu sues for palimony (a nod to our very first column).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

The Osundairo brothers are back in the news.  You remember them – the Nigerian bodybuilders who were allegedly hired by Jussie Smollett to stage a racial hate crime.  FOX Nation has a 5-part docuseries called Jussie Smollett: Anatomy of a Hoax, and the buff boys are happy to tell all.  While I do not have FOX Nation (for obvious reasons), I was shocked to see the bros reenact the crime on the streets of Chicago!  My favorite part is when they say Jussie directed the sequence to include him fighting back.  “Hey, don’t just beat my ass – make it look like I’m fighting back and whatnot.”  When they recreate what they did with Jussie’s ass in that gay bathhouse, call me.

Given recent events, I predict that Cher will re-release one of her classics: “Romanis, Tramps and Thieves”.

The original Broadway cast of the musical Ragtime will reunite on March 27^th for a one-night-only benefit for the Entertainment Community Fund, formerly known as The Actors Fund (how long will we have to reference its better-known name?).  One of the participants will be Lea Michele, who was in the original cast as “Little Girl”.  Obviously she will be appearing in a different role.  I believe “Little Girl” will now be played by Barbra Streisand.

A BBC reporter is in hot water after being filmed in a taxi and not wearing a seatbelt.  Before anyone asks, I always wear a seatbelt – even when having sex in the car.  You can never be too safe.

Aussie actor Ingo Rademacher claims that ABC didn’t fire him from General Hospital because he refused to get vaccinated; it was because he endorsed Donald Trump.  You know how to prove you’re right?  Get vaxxed!

And now, my favorite story of the week.  I met the striking and sexy Forbes March through Jerry verDorn many years ago.  I haven’t thought of the former soap stud in eons, but he returned to the headlines last week after being arrested for stealing used cooking oil!  Oh, yes – you read correctly.  I must confess, I know nothing about used cooking oil, except I believe Willie Nelson uses it to fuel his Winnebago.  We’re told March purchased a used oil collection route to help supplement his income.  He was seen siphoning used oil out of a container at a diner in Ulster, New York.  Problem is that oil was earmarked for a competitor.  March’s attorney claims that the container was improperly marked and that it “appeared abandoned and contained mostly dirty rainwater.”  So, Forbes was stealing rainwater?  The pilfered amount of oil has a street value of $1,000.  His main business is a firewood delivery company, and I would be mighty happy to pay Forbes March $1K to deliver wood to me anytime.

I didn’t mention this last week, but I’m mad at the Academy Awards all over again.  Last year, they let Will Smith sit there without any repercussions for his actions.  This year, it was Tems and her big white dress.  As someone who has been to the Oscars, lemme tell you I would not be having it.  You would not see me poking my head up from behind her tule – I would have pushed it down!  Of course, I’d probably be the one thrown out.

I’ve been asked repeatedly if the denials that Lady Gaga would perform at the Oscars were just the Academy misleading us.  Nope.  Gaga turned down the opportunity to sing her Oscar-nominated ditty due to the filming demands of Joker – Folie à Deux.  She still planned to attend, but felt being rushed would not allow her to give a performance up to her standards.  I’m told that it was the personal call from Oscars’ producer Glenn Weiss and the idea of a stripped down rendition which led to what you saw.  Apparently stripped down also meant hosed down.

Lukas Gage recently gave a lengthy interview to The New York Times where he scuttled questions about his relationship with celebrity hairdresser, Chris Appleton – but invited the speculation.  Then the twosome showed up a deux at the Vanity Fair Oscar party.  In case there were any lingering questions, Chris told Drew Barrymore, “I’m very happy.  Very much in love.  And I feel very grateful to be able to share my time with someone very special.  Love is a really special thing and I think meeting someone that you really connect with is really, really special.”  He then showed the infamous Mexico pics and identified Lukas by name.  Asked and answered.

We’d been hearing that Jake Gyllenhaal is in enviable physical form for his upcoming film, Road House, where he plays an MMA fighter.  He turned up at the UFC 285 event last week outside of Las Vegas to film some scenes, and we’re told it was hard to distinguish him from the rest of the elite athletes.  Then someone sent me footage and…OMG, has he ever looked better?  You can decide for yourself at BillyMasters.com

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Josh in San Francisco:  “I heard that Lil Nas X posted some hot pics and then deleted them.  Didn’t you have nudes of him before?”

He did and I did.  Lil posted a photo of himself in a mirror wearing grey Nike hip briefs.  Clearly he’s fluffed.  Apparently, someone was concerned that this might be a bit much, so the photo was deleted – but not before I grabbed it.  We’ll post it along with that video where you can see every inch of him at BillyMasters.com.

When we’re telling you to “Just Do It”, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Hours before the Oscars, I predicted the In Memoriam would exclude Robert Blake…for obvious reasons.  But Leslie Jordan?  Anne Heche?  Cindy Williams?  My beloved Carole Cooke?  For shame, Oscars!  You can find them all on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that never forgets.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we show you everything everywhere all at once.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Every year, gay porn aficionados head to Chicago on Memorial Day weekend for the Grabby Awards (attendance surely helped by International Mr. Leather, which takes place the same weekend).  But, didya know that the Grabbys have a European cousin?  The Grabby Awards Europe will take place in Torremolinos, Spain April 20-23.  According to the press release, the show will “celebrate the best gay European porn stars, gay porn labels, movies and creative content of the year”.  Information on both the domestic and international awards can be found at GrabbyAwards.com.

We previously reported a story about an Italian man fired from his university job due to his past as a gay porn performer.  The man in question is sexy Carlo Masi, who made loads of films for Colt Studios.  His real name is Ruggero Freddi, and he was a teacher at the Sapienza University of Rome.  He claimed to have been fired without explanation and without pay for the work he had already done.  So he sued for what I consider a paltry amount – roughly $2,500 for the work he had done and $1,500 for “unjustified dismissal”.  You would think a smart defendant would pay the $4K and be done with it.  But this case actually went to trial – which he won.  “I hope my case gives courage to all PhD students who are exploited after years of studies and specializations,” said Carlo/Ruggero – except I suspect he said it in Italian.

Someone familiar with a foreign tongue is Ricky Martin, who has been dealing with a whole bunch of contentious issues for the past few years.  After settling things with his nephew (look it up), he had to deal with a $3 million commission suit from his former manager – a suit which promised to reveal “career-ending allegations”.  Martin settled this one out of court.  Since we hear his former manager is only receiving a five-figure payout, I guess those revelations weren’t as “career-ending” as alleged.

I have to make a confession – I have never watched FOX News.  I’ve heard all the stories, seen all the parodies, but I have never watched the network…until last week.  There I was, on the treadmill at the gym and noticed that Tucker Carlson was an odd shade of burnt umber.  I thought maybe there was something wrong with the tint on the TV, but Sean Hannity looked fine.  Maybe Tucker is using Mr. Trump’s spray tan equipment – although it’s just been disclosed that Carlson said of the embattled ex-president, “I hate him passionately.”  Well, you know – there’s a fine line between love and hate.

On the topic of “Fake News”, the following headline was seen on the front page of New York Times Arts – “The stakes are high for the new Broadway revival of Sweeney Todd starring Josh Groban and Annaleigh Ashford.  The musical hasn’t been seen or heard in New York for 43 years.”  A curious claim, since there were Broadway revivals in 1989 and 2005 – both of which were nominated for Best Revival of a Musical at the Tony Awards.  Then there are the New York City Opera productions of 1984 and 2004 at Lincoln Center, or the New York Philharmonic’s semi-staged productions in 2000 and 2014.  And, let’s not forget the 2021 immersive production that took place in an actual pie shop!  In short, New York Times, the musical has had at least seven productions in New York City since the original.

The Broadway revival of Funny Girl will close when Lea Michele leaves this fall.  While there was wild speculation that the producers would try to find another Fanny Brice, it was determined that nobody could fill Ms. Michele’s shoes.  That’s quite a contention, since the original Broadway production lasted almost two years after Streisand departed.  The show continued to do good business with the accomplished Mimi Hines.  I guess they don’t make ‘em like Mimi anymore – unless I’m supposed to believe Lea is more irreplaceable than Babs!

“31 years ago in 1992, Brendan Fraser and Ke Huy Quan were in
a movie together…two actors from Encino Man are nominated
for Oscars.  Incredible night it must be for the two of you,
and what a very difficult night for Pauly Shore!”
– Jimmy Kimmel during his Oscars monologue.

In a few weeks, Big Daddy Masters will turn 90.  And, with all due respect, I’m not so interested in his opinion on the latest films.  And yet, here we are – obsessed with the Oscars at 95.  Here are some of my observations.  Where is Kelly McGillis?  She is the most MIA woman since Shelly Miscavige!  There’s no question that Jamie Lee Curtis is Hollywood royalty.  Her win was quite touching, and how nice it was that she kept her Golden Globes under wraps up for a change.  I think she may have lent her designated dress to Eva Longoria!  And, say what you will – Hugh Grant is the best looking scrotum I’ve ever seen…and I’ve seen more than my share of scrotums! 

We learned a few things from this year’s Academy Awards.  In these divided times, I think we can all agree that nobody is funnier than Malala.  Clearly she’s the Lucille Ball of Pakistan!  And those Daniels – they are without a doubt the cutest couple to win Best Original Screenplay since Ben and Matt.  And, in case there was any doubt, we now know definitively that being murdered on the set does not guarantee making the cut for the In Memoriam packet.

By the by, Alec Baldwin’s lawyer claims that the gun used by the actor on the set of Rust was destroyed.  The Santa Fe DA has refuted that claim.  “The gun Alec Baldwin used in the shooting that killed Halyna Hutchins has not been destroyed by the state.  The gun is in evidence and is available for the defense to review.”  By the by, the film is preparing to resume shooting…er, “filming” next month.  At the same time, a documentary about Hutchins is being readied – “with the full support of the production”.

Leading up to the Oscars, we had Chris Rock’s much-anticipated comedy special Selective Outrage.  Chris uses this term to discuss Will Smith – claiming that while the Fresh Prince took umbrage at Rock’s GI Jane joke, his anger really stemmed from Mrs. Smith sleeping with her son’s friend.  A novel theory and one I’m certainly not qualified to comment on.  The ladies of The View were quick to point out that Mrs. Smith was never named by Rock – so at least he heeded Will’s warning to “keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth”.  I certainly can appreciate a clapback to a slapback – especially with a $40 million payday!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Will in Rhode Island:  “Is Lukas Gage gay?  I keep seeing photos of him and someone who people say is his hot boyfriend.  Who is he?”

I’m sure someone out there won’t remember that Lukas Gage first came to prominence after a Zoom audition in 2020 when director Tristram Shapeero quipped, “These poor people live in these tiny apartments.”  Lukas, seizing the moment, posted the video which turned him into something of a cause célèbre (primarily because of his response: “You’re not muted.  I know it’s a shitty apartment.  Give me this job so I can get a better one.”)  Tongues definitely started wagging when he turned up on The White Lotus…and bent over…but that’s another story.  Lukas hasn’t talked about his sexuality – except to respond to someone who criticized him for being straight and playing gay roles by saying, “U don’t know my alphabet.”  Someone who probably knows more is hairdresser Chris Appleton.  In addition to his celebrity clients (like J-Lo and Kim Kardashian), he made a splash in his native England when he won the BBC reality show Young Hairdresser of the Year.  Chris is openly gay, but he also has two kids from a previous relationship.  Chris and Lukas recently vacationed in Mexico and took a whole lotta pictures.  And if you think Gage is hot on his own, you should see him with Chris…on BillyMasters.com.

When only Lukas’ hairdresser knows for sure, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  If you thought Gage getting rimmed was risqué, wait till you see him on the Netflix series You.  Let’s just say this is a shower that’s less than refreshing – which you can see on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is far from squeaky clean!  If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I find out which came first – the chicken or the Eggo!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Remember when Neil Patrick Harris’ show Uncoupled was cancelled by Netflix?  We’ve got good news – Uncoupled has been picked up by Showtime.  Because, you know, what else do they have?  I’m told the budget was slashed, but NPH and company are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the show afloat.  Showtime had one edict – make it raunchier.  Throw in more Tuc, and I’m there!

Details about the long-gestating Frasier reboot have finally been revealed.  The plan was for Frasier to be in a new city with a new cast – much like when the character relocated from Boston to Seattle.  Well, brace yourself – Frasier is returning to Boston!  We’re told that Bebe Neuwirth will be back as Lilith.  The couple’s son, Freddy, has been recast with actor Jack Cutmore-Scott.  And the son of Niles and Daphne, David, will be attending college in Boston – and portrayed by Anders Keith.  Thus far, nobody else from the Frasier/Cheers family has signed on as a regular, but there’s quite a cast of characters who could drop in (including those nice boys from Wings).  The show will debut on Paramount+ this fall.

Meanwhile, Paramount+ has given the axe to Star Trek: Discovery.  The series will end in early 2024.  “The final season will see our beloved crew take on a new adventure and we can’t wait to celebrate the series’ impact on the franchise leading up to its final season early next year,” says Paramount’s chief programming officer.  There’s one slight problem – filming of season five wrapped prior to this decision being made.  I’m told that the cast is being called back for several weeks of reshoots.

Chris Pine – the Captain Kirk of the movie reboot – has some choice words to say about the status of the next Star Trek flick.  “It feels like it’s cursed!”  When asked for details about Star Trek 4, Pine said, “I don’t know anything.  In Star Trek land, the actors are usually the last people to find out anything.  I know costume designers that have read scripts before the actors.”  Well, you know, it takes a long time to make those Klingon heads!

One of Pine’s castmates isn’t waiting around.  Zachary Quinto, who plays Spock, will headline a new series for NBC.  Wolf is based on the book (and play), The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, and will find Quinto playing neurologist Dr. Oliver Wolf.  NBC hopes to find a slot for the show in the upcoming fall season.

Remember when Lady Gaga offered a $500K reward – “no questions asked” – for information on her pilfered French bulldogs?  I predicted nothing good would come from the words “no questions asked”.  The woman who retrieved the dogs has yet to receive the reward.  Why?  Well, she’s been linked to the dog-nappers.  So?  “No questions asked”.  Now she’s suing Gaga for $1.5 million.  Next time, ask a few questions!

Poor King Charles is having a devil of a time getting entertainment for his coronation.  We previously reported that Adele and Ed Sheeran turned down the royal request.  Now we hear that Harry Styles has declined (he’s “tied up” – and I’ll give you a second to picture that).  Elton John will be busy wrapping up his endless farewell tour.  Even The Spice Girls have turned down offers of a reunion (I’m blaming Posh – for no good reason).  As of now, Take That will perform (without Robbie Williams), as will Kylie and Dannii Minogue, Lionel Richie and Olly Murs.  Frankly, this is starting to sound like one of those oldies shows lineups you can see for $75 at a summer locale!

Speaking of oldies, Madonna has rebounded from her latest split and landed on a new beau.  She was previously “dating” 23-year-old model Andrew Darnell.  She’s now allegedly with 29-year-old boxer Josh Popper.  But, here’s the rub – he’s the boxing coach of her son David.  You remember him – the one who looked so fetching in that red dress.  Well, at least he has good taste.

It’s never comfortable when your romantic life intersects with your kids.  Take Cher.  One tabloid ran the following headline: “Cher, 76, Feuding With Sons Over Relationship With 37-Year-Old Boyfriend”.  The part that concerned me was the term “sons”.  And then I thought, oh yeah, Chaz is also her son.  Up until a few years ago, Cher only had one son – and she often forgot about him as well!  And that brings up my next point – Cher barely has any relationship with Elijah Blue.  So, who cares what he thinks?  As for Chaz, last I heard they were on good terms…so that could be an issue.  Regardless, I believe Cher is more than capable of making her own romantic decisions.  After all, she once dated Tom Cruise!

There are things that naturally go together.  Mashed potatoes and gravy.  Burgers and fries.  This week, I got an e-mail from Fatburger touting its new Chicken and Waffle sandwich – a breaded piece of chicken, drizzled with maple syrup, topped with a piece of bacon, and slapped between two lightly toasted Eggo waffles.  You’d think perfection.  But you’d be unsatisfied.  Then there’s a nightclub in Whately, Massachusetts that has come up with a combination which sounds like a winner.  Club Castaway – a strip club – has just applied for a license to become a marijuana dispensary.  Oh, no – not instead of a strip club; in addition to being a strip club!  If their application is approved, they will become the first topless marijuana dispensary.  Am I the only one who thinks this is brilliant?  On the other hand, I had high hopes for that chicken/Eggo sandwich!

Here’s kinda an Ask Billy question.  Someone recently told me about a film called False Positive which allegedly had a gay sex scene between Justin Theroux and Pierce Brosnan.  I never heard of it, but I was intrigued enough to tune in – and promptly dozed off.  At some point, I woke up to see Justin kneel in front of Pierce and mime one of the worst blow jobs I’ve ever seen – and I’ve seen my share of blow jobs.  First off, the angle was all wrong.  He might as well have been picking lint out of Pierce’s naval!  Judge for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

Lastly, Tommy Lee is trying to direct some traffic to his OnlyFans page.  And to do so, he posted a snap of his low-hanging testicles from the vantage point of his butt cheeks.  I suppose that’s appealing to the implant crowd.  But what does it do for our boys at home?  I’ll post ‘em on BillyMasters.com, and you can let me know.

There’s a delicious rumor going around, wrapped inside some old news.  Recently, Bette Midler has been talking about some film roles she turned down.  Like the original Rocky (the role went to Talia Shire), or Misery (Kathy Bates).  Then there’s Sister Act, which was developed for her during her reign as the Queen of Disney.  Alas, Bette turned that one down for one reason alone – “My fans don’t want to see me in a wimple”.  But she may get a chance to rectify this lapse of judgment.  As everyone knows, Whoopi is readying a return to the habit in Sister Act 3.  While the scenario is well under wraps, my sources tell me that the character of the Mother Superior (played by Maggie Smith) may retire…or worse.  Enter a new, tougher Mother Superior – perhaps the Divine Miss M.  Well, can’t you just see it?  Bette and Whoopi battling it out?  The wimples will be flying!  And, of course, it all makes sense – especially since Deloris’ backup singers (Jenifer Lewis and Charlo Crossley) were trained at Midler’s teet.  Throw in some tracks by the marvelous Marc Shaiman, and it’s a match made in heaven!

Much as I like to think otherwise, words matter.  And surely Don Lemon learned that lesson last week.  During a discussion where presidential candidate Nikki Haley was described as being “in her prime”, Lemon said, “Nikki Haley is not in her prime.  Sorry.  When a woman is considered to be in her prime is her 20s and 30s and maybe 40s.”  Here’s the problem – he specified “woman”.  If he said “people”, it might have slid by.  But it does beg the question – when are we in our prime?  Don Lemon is 56 – is he in his prime?  Did he ever have a prime?  Or is he (I shudder to use the term) “past his prime”?  After an unscheduled day off, Don returned to his show and said, “I’m learning from you, and I’m committed to doing better.”  He’s also going to take some “formal training” – whatever that means.

They might need some of that “training” over at The View.  Liam Neeson felt very uncomfortable during a recent appearance when he was held up as Joy Behar’s object of lust.  He hoped to have some intelligent conversation or perhaps dig into some hot topics.  “But then the segment’s all about this…er…thirteen, fourteen-year-old crush.  It’s just a bit embarrassing.”

I have to confess, I’ve had it up to here with the politically correct police (and my “here” is any place you’d like to picture on my body).  Last week, there was a heated debate about “fat shaming” in the classic Roald Dahl books.  Some of the passages that caused concern included the depiction of the Oompa-Loompas (which Dahl himself changed in later editions from African pygmies to Caucasian little people).  Then there was Augustus Gloop, who was changed from “fat” to “enormous” (I’ll be the judge of that).  One line in James and the Giant Peach came under fire: “Aunt Sponge was terrifically fat, and tremendously flabby at that.”  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory has this offensive bit of prose: “The man behind the counter looked fat and well-fed.  He had big lips and fat cheeks and a very fat neck.”  What’s wrong with that, asks someone who just saw a film called The Whale? 

Even the iconic James Bond is not safe.  A new edition of Ian Fleming’s 007 books is being readied for the 70^th anniversary.  These volumes include some sanitized language and eschew certain circumstances.  They also carry the following disclaimer: “This book was written at a time when terms and attitudes which might be considered offensive by modern readers were commonplace.”  This begs the question – when was Octopussy commonplace?

I know that words and sensitivities change over time.  We’ve heard calls for censoring Mark Twain, Harper Lee, and even Margaret Mitchell.  Apparently some of these cries for rewriting have actually been heeded.  Did you know that in 1969, Pippi Longstocking underwent some racial cleansing in Sweden?  Well, you know…Swedes!  Closer to home, my beloved Nancy Drew went through a bit of “whitewashing” regarding some of the depictions of African Americans in 1959.  I hope nobody laid a hand on those nice, wholesome Hardy Boys.  They’re all mine!

We’ve had lots of celebrity deaths lately.  I was struck by the passing of Raquel Welch – surely one of a dying breed, so to speak.  It reminded me of a particularly funny story Cindy Adams told about when she interviewed Rocky for A Current Affair.  Rather than recount the story here, I’ll post the video of Cindy telling the story on BillyMasters.com.  It’s definitely worth watching.

Loads of you have written Ask Billy questions about the same person.  The letter with the earliest postmark (as they used to say in the olden days) was from Harold – a name which was popular in those olden days.  “What do you know about the Bloater on The Last of Us?  What a massive hunk!”

Call me old-fashioned, but the last thing I’d want to be called is Bloater!  That said, Bloater turned up last week encased in what I’m told was an 88-pound costume!  And the person wearing that costume is Adam Basil – a British actor and stuntman, which is a nice way of telling us he’s muscular!  And what a big boy he is – 6’6”, to be precise (you Brits can look up the Metric equivalent on your own).  He’s previously appeared on Game of Thrones, Beauty and the Beast, and Let There Be Carnage.  I’m sensing a trend here.  Happily, he’s also posed in a variety of skimpier outfits – including one reminiscent of Welch in One Million Years B.C.  I’ll post it on BillyMasters.com.

When being bloated is a good thing, we’ve come to the end of yet another column.  I want to also acknowledge the passing of Stella Stevens – who at one point was scheduled to be on Billy Masters LIVE with her son, Andrew Stevens.  Come to think of it, Cindy Williams also cancelled on me…twice.  See what happens when you stand me up?  I’ll be announcing some future shows on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that will even talk to people from the Great Beyond!  The rest of you can send your questions to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before you get released!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Details for Prince…er…King Charles’ coronation on May 6^th are starting to shape up.  A highlight of the day will be a gala concert, which I’m told will feature a reconstituted Spice Girls (including Posh – probably with her mike off).  However, two people the Palace hoped to lure have already declined.  First was Ed Sheeran, who has a stadium concert in Arlington, Texas the night before.  Understandable.  But what to make of Adele?  She reportedly said, “No, thank you,” even though she has absolutely nothing on the docket for the entire month of May.

As if the royals don’t have enough trouble, they have to deal with that pesky paternity issue.  No, we’re not talking about Harry.  This is about Simon Dorante-Day, a 56-year-old living in Queensland, Australia who claims to be the illegitimate child of Charles and Camilla!  According to Simon, his adoptive grandparents worked for the royal family – his grandmother was a cook and his grandfather was a gardener.  A deathbed confession from his grandmother (his adopted granny, not Lizzie) claims that he is the biological child of King and Queen Consort.  Lots of details don’t add up – beginning with him being born in 1966.  We know that Charles didn’t meet Camilla until 1970 because we all saw The Crown!  Isn’t it just possible that granny was slightly…well, bonkers?  Nonetheless, Simon is petitioning the court for a DNA test and says that Charles’ coronation will not thwart his efforts.

One often hears about peaceful deathbed transitions.  Not so for caustic comedian and actor Richard Belzer.  As we went to press, we received word of his passing at the relatively youthful age of 78.  His friend, Bill Scheft, reports that Belzer’s last words were, “Fuck you, motherfucker.”  Maybe he saw someone he knew!

Everybody seems to be talking about hunky number 89 from the Super Bowl.  The person in question was Danny Amendola – formerly #89 for Houston, and also a former wide receiver for the New England Patriots in two previous Super Bowls.  You might remember Adam Rippon giving him shaving tips…or was it the other way around?  Amendola was recently on Special Forces: World’s Toughest Test.  For some reason, the Super Bowl featured a photo of him showing off his muscular assets in a jock strap, which can be found on BillyMasters.com.

My love for Natasha Lyonne was cemented with the perfect first season of Russian Doll.  Still, I went into Peacock’s Poker Face with some trepidation (similar to how I felt about season two of Russian Doll).  Sure, the photo of Lyonne in the ad looked eerily similar to her Netflix series.  So I braced myself and prepared to be disappointed.  I am delighted to report that my devotion has only grown.  Charlie Cale has many of the quirks of Nadia Vulvokov…well, except that pesky dying thing.  But Charlie has a superpower of her own – she’s a human lie detector!  This comes in handy as she travels city to city solving murders.  Lyonne captivates throughout with her quirky and engaging presence – so much so that the series has already been picked up for a second season.

If you know anything about me, you know that I’m always willing to try a new position.  And one just piqued my interest – working for sexy Trace Lehnhoff.  You remember Trace – former assistant to Jeff Lewis (of Flipping Out fame).  Former paramour of Antoni Porowski (from Queer Eye).  And possibly still dating Miles McMillan (previously with Zachary Quinto).  Trace has his own interior design firm and, well, he needs a hand.  He’s looking for a “Personal Assistant” and is willing to pay $22-28/hour – which is only mildly appealing to me if the office is clothing optional.  He adds (and I quote) the following: “It is essential that the candidate is: incredibly detail-oriented, organized, ability to multi-task, excellent communication skills, is a natural problem solver and has an appreciate for design.”  Someone with good writing skills would really enhance his office immensely.

Whenever I get a break from being on the road, I catch up on messages people leave.  But one person who called didn’t leave a voice message – or couldn’t.  “An inmate at the California City Community Correctional Facility, California City, California.  This call and your telephone number will be monitored and recorded.  To accept this call, say or dial 5 now.”  Obviously I wasn’t available to say or dial anything.  Alas, I don’t have a clue as to who was calling.  The one thing I do know is that my fan base at the California City Community Correctional Facility is quite extensive.  So, boys, just be patient – I’ll be by for a group conjugal visit real soon!

The good folks at Atlantis recently hosted a Southern Caribbean cruise on the Harmony of the Seas.  Returning patrons found a curious new entry in the official handbook which would have made me raise my eyebrows…if I still had the ability to raise my eyebrows: “While we want everybody to have fun, there are limits and so we ask that you be respectful of all guests and our cruise partners.  Please do not post anything explicitly sexual on social media in a public forum or other online space.  Any guest who posts or publishes an explicit and publicly visible photo or video will be asked to leave the ship with no refund.”  No explicit sexual photos or videos from a gay cruise?  What is the world coming to!  I’m happy to take whatever you have to give at Billy@BillyMasters.com.  Not only do I not have any gag orders, I am also devoid of any gag reflex!

Channing Tatum had a devil of a time getting camera-ready for the latest Magic Mike flick.  I’ve previously suggested that he’s made some sort of diabolical deal.  One day, he’ll be photographed on the beach looking like Sam Smith’s stunt double.  The next day, he’s all tits and abs on the set.  How does he do it?  He ain’t telling – but we feel his pain.  And that is a pain on his ass, courtesy of a bite he received while making the film, Dog.  We hear that covering the blemish wasn’t easy.  “It was a proper 20-minute job working on his bum,” says an insider.  Let the record show that Channing’s bum needs only 20 minutes.  Mine requires twice as much attention.

When I’ve got guys lining up for my derrière, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I’ll be hauling my ass on the road for the next couple of weeks, but I’m always delivering fresh dish on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that doesn’t care how old you are.  If you’d like to reach out and touch me, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I work on Channing’s ass (which I’m sure he’d enjoy).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Speaking of Michael Jackson’s ex-wife (see how I did that?), the person who will play MJ in an upcoming biopic is someone close to home.  It will be Jackson’s nephew, Jaafar Jackson (son of Jermaine, who was quite a looker in his day).  And no less than Prince Jackson, Michael’s “son”, has said he approves.  “Truthfully, I couldn’t be happier and prouder for him, he’s been working his ass off and I know he’s going to do an amazing job”.

File this under “Believe it or not” – Barbra is close to completing her long-awaited memoir.  Streisand has been working on her autobiography for close to a decade.  While I don’t expect we’re gonna get much in terms of juicy dish, insight, or revelations, My Name is Barbra is scheduled to be released on November 7^th.

Can we briefly go back to that old woman?  And by that, I mean Madonna.  Vanilla Ice shared some dish about their eight-month romance – and who doesn’t like three-decade-old dish?  Ironically, we mentioned Ice in our recent conversation with Paul Lekakis on Billy Masters LIVE.  Vanilla claims that Madonna proposed to him.  “I mean things were going so crazy and fast, man.  I was just like, ‘What?  I thought the guy was supposed to do it.  Wait a minute, this is too fast.’”  He adds, “I was just getting started here, and I’m way too young for this.”  It should be added that Ice was nine years younger than Madonna at the time.  Not sure what their age difference is now.

Proving that the crabapple doesn’t fall far from the old, withered, decrepit tree, Lourdes Leon was barred from Marc Jacobs’ NYC fashion show.  It’s not that she didn’t have a ticket.  It’s that Lourdes showed up late, and when they say, “Latecomers will not be seated,” they mean it.  While she begged with security at the door, people in the crowd yelled, “Don’t you know who she is?”  Many started chanting “Let her in” – to no avail.  Adding insult to injury, the whole episode was captured on video – which, of course, you can see on BillyMasters.com.

This leads perfectly into a story about the talented 59-year-old designer (again, a mere tyke compared to Madge).  Jacobs recently revealed that he got a facelift, and the person who leaked the story to the press was Marc himself!  “I prefer to be as honest and upfront as I possibly can because it helps me to live a better life.  I don’t want secrets and I don’t want shame in my life, so I revealed the truth for myself.  It makes me feel better but also when other people decide to talk shit, I’m like, ‘You can’t really say anything I haven’t already said myself.’”  He added, “There’s no shame in being vain.”  He’s so vain, I bet he thinks this story’s about him.

“Once again I am caught in the glare of ageism and
misogyny that permeates the world we live in. 
A world that refuses to celebrate women past the age of 45.”
– Madonna.  I don’t know what 45-year-old woman she’s talking about.  Certainly it’s not an
autobiographical statement from the 64-year-old pop star.  If so, boy, has she struggled the past two decades!

Leave it to Madonna to turn her disastrous appearance at the Grammys into an ageist, misogynistic attack.  I am not going to criticize the Material Girl’s looks – although she’s been known to take potshots about the appearance of other females in the industry.  When you show up looking like a cross between “Heidi: The Golden Years” and Frau Blucher, you should anticipate a few raised eyebrows – at least from people who still can raise their eyebrows!

The person I feel bad for is poor Bonnie Raitt, who won Song of the Year more than three decades after winning Album of the Year for Nick of Time.  The Daily Mail ran the headline, “Shock as unknown blues singer beats Beyoncé, Adele and Taylor Swift to win Song of the Year at the Grammys”.  Unknown?  Oh, the humanity!

When you watch a televised awards show, you often see famous faces sitting alongside complete unknowns.  As it turns out, they are often completely unknown to the people they’re sitting with.  Those people are “seat fillers”.  They’re hired (or, more often than not, unpaid) to fill empty seats during a telecast.  One seat filler called “AlmostAnna” on TikTok shared a bit of “insight” into Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’s behavior during the show.  “J.Lo showed Ben Affleck the phone and was like ‘Oh my God, honey, look at this meme circulating about you,’ and he was like ‘Oh God, this again.’”  Isn’t it fascinating that these two people from completely different backgrounds now speak in almost identical cadences?  It’s as if it were coming out of the same person’s mouth.

This year, the Grammys honored The Supremes with a Lifetime Achievement Award.  This was not Diana Ross and the Supremes.  This was not even the 70s Supremes – from which Diane plucked two backup singers for her Return to Love Tour.  No, the Grammys paid tribute to the classic Supremes lineup – Mary Wilson, Florence Ballard, and Diane Ross (as she was called).  Although they were nominated twice, The Supremes never won a Grammy (it should be added that Miss Ross never won one, either).  One would imagine that the sole surviving member would be there to graciously accept this honor.  And one would be wrong.  The award was accepted by two people – the daughter of Mary Wilson (who is also Diane’s goddaughter) and one of Florence Ballard’s daughters (the one Ross clutched at Flo’s funeral).  You know who wasn’t there?  Miss Ross!  Surely one of Diane’s kids could have filled in.  OK, maybe not Tracee.  But what does Chudney have to do?  Or those Naess boys?

Which leads to a perennial question: does an actor have to be gay to play a gay part?  Adam Lambert thinks so.  He was not happy to hear that sexy Theo James (from White Lotus) is being considered to play George Michael.  “Yay another straight man playing a gay icon,” Lambert posted on Instagram.  Of course, that makes the assumption that Theo James is straight – something I’m not willing to do.  While at the Sundance Film Festival promoting his feature film debut in Fairyland, Adam was asked to elaborate on his post.  Suddenly, he was singing a different tune.  “I think my comment in no way suggests that I feel straight actors can’t play gay roles, because I think they do it really well.”  What caused the about-face?  The lead in Fairyland is a gay character.  And the role is played by Scoot McNairy – who, despite his name, happens to be straight!

Should acting be judged by gender?  If not, Katharine Hepburn and Frances McDormand would have everything, and Daniel Day-Lewis and Jack Nicholson would be trophy-free.  In soap operas, they even break it down by ages.  Is it fair to compare Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep?  Ask Rita Wilson!  I like multiple categories because it allows more people to win.  But what do you do about trans actors?  Or non-binary actors?  This was an issue regarding last year’s Broadway production of Macbeth.  Asia Kate Dillon identifies as non-binary, and was playing the role of Malcolm.  Asia didn’t feel comfortable in either category and withdrew from Tony consideration.

A similar case has occurred this year with the Broadway musical & Juliet.  One of the stars, Justin David Sullivan, had to make a decision – to be submitted as an actor or an actress.  “I was told that I had to choose where I felt more comfortable, and in that process, I struggled a lot.  There’s nothing more that I want to empower than non-binary people, to show that it’s possible to be non-binary on Broadway, play a non-binary character on Broadway and be nominated, and possibly potentially awarded.  I felt like I couldn’t choose.  I didn’t feel right being in either category because it didn’t resonate with me.  I decided the only thing that felt right to me would be to abstain from nomination consideration.”  Justin added, “I hope that award shows across the industry will expand their reach to be able to honor and award people of all gender identities”.

The Tony people issued a statement of their own: “We recognize that the current acting categories are not fully inclusive, and we are currently in discussion about how to best adjust them to address this.  Unfortunately, we are still in process on this and our rules do not allow us to make changes once a season has begun.  We are working thoughtfully to ensure that no member of our community feel excluded in future seasons.”  If one is to make a change, there are only two possibilities – make more separate categories, or lump them all together.  Since I don’t approve of either option, I’m abstaining from future nominations.

Then there’s George Santos.  He’s finally admitted that he actually has done drag – funny how the story changes once a videotape surfaces.  And isn’t it convenient that the one time he’s ever done drag, someone videotaped it?  “No, I was not a drag queen in Brazil, guys.  I was young and I had fun at a festival.”  He may not be a drag queen, but he certainly picked up enough tips.  I recently saw him on the news wearing more concealer than Dolly Parton!

When it comes to Santos, the problems keep mounting (so to speak).  Enter Christian Walker – Herschel Walker’s son, who never met a pair of tweezers he didn’t like!  He Tweeted the following: “George Santos had told me I had a good ass in my jeans (not kidding).  Now I’m just worried that HE WAS LYING ABOUT THAT TOO!?!?!?”  Christian went into more details on Instagram Live, saying they met “on several occasions” and calls Santos “so funny, truly hilarious”.  Well, you know, some of the funniest people alive are drag queens!

“I have never thrust this on someone unexpectedly.  Never.”
– Armie Hammer in his recent Air Mail interview.  Makes you wanna read on, doesn’t it?

While I was hunkered down during this arctic blast, I warmed up by reading an interview Armie Hammer gave to Air Mail.  In explaining his bizarre behavior, Armie broke his silence by trotting out that old chestnut – he was sexually abused as a child.  I am not questioning the abuse.  But it’s such a familiar story – the abused becomes an abuser.  He was 13 years old, and his abuser was his youth pastor.  It continued for about a year.  He doesn’t go into detail, but says, “What that did for me was it introduced sexuality into my life in a way that it was completely out of my control.  I was powerless in the situation.  I had no agency in the situation.  My interests then went to: I want to have control in the situation, sexually.”  Whenever I hear the word “agency”, I feel like a lawyer was consulted.

One of the sexual abuse accusations against him is shot down with documentation that Armie had torn his pectoral muscle lifting weights, which left him in a sling – and not the good kind!  In general, he doesn’t deny most of the acts, but goes to great lengths to say they were consensual.  Regarding an alleged rape, he says, “She planned all of the details out, all the way down to what Starbucks I would see her at, how I would follow her home, how her front door would be open and unlocked and I would come in, and we would engage in what is called a ‘consensual non-consent scene’.”  This reminds me of that scene in For Pete’s Sake when Barbra plays “Take a Nap”.  “Bed, sleep, touch, struggle, not too hard.”  My God, to think Barbra could have been having sex with Armie Hammer!!

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the account of a Colombian man named Daniel, who says he was sexually violated by Hammer.  He claims that Armie told him, “Guys could endure more pain.”  Allegedly, Hammer “cut him with paper and glass and then sucked his blood”; he also “inserted a condom wrapper into him” – none of which sounds appealing to me.  One of Hammer’s female paramours claims that he “stuck objects into male victims”.  Armie denies having met Daniel, and also says he has never had sex with a man.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Tom in Studio City, who writes, “A friend of mine saw a video of a very young Colin Farrell modeling a thong.  Where did that come from?  Do you have it?”

Picture it.  Dublin.  1994.  An 18-year-old lanky lad with the complexion not unlike that of a young Cate Blanchett is hired to model intimate wear on a midday chat show, 12-2-1.  The hosts, Marty Whelan and Ciana Campbell, handle the introductions.  “First on we have Colin, who’s wearing very little.”  Out strolls the future superstar in a red thong and satin robe – which is quickly doffed.  He walks, he cocks his hip, and he pivots in a manner familiar to so many models.  One guest says, “It’s like a jock strap.”  Trust me when I say it is nothing like a jock strap – as you will see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re presenting Farrell in any clothing, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  I say that because we were once threatened with legal action by Colin.  Oh, yes, it’s true.  This was back when his sex tape leaked.  Well, not so much leaked as exploded on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is definitely a shower.  Colin and I resolved the matter satisfactorily in ways I’m not at liberty to discuss publicly.  But you can write to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I satisfy an elected official (again).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Another gay star had a bad interview experience – and happily, it wasn’t with me.  Danny Pintauro from Who’s The Boss? recalled an appearance on The View back in 2015.  He was there to talk about his HIV status and to educate people on the dangers of AIDS and crystal meth.  Only two co-hosts interviewed him – fellow former child stars Candace Cameron Bure and Raven-Symoné.  He recently discussed that interview and took issue with Bure.  “She basically said, ‘Do you take responsibility for getting HIV because you were living a promiscuous lifestyle?’  And turned on the spot to my husband and said, ‘Do you have unprotected sex with your husband?’” 

Since I’m a stickler for accuracy, I reviewed the footage, and that’s not exactly how it happened.  Before Bure asked her question, Danny had already gone into great detail about his promiscuity, pushing his sexual limits, and how crystal meth fueled this.  His wake-up call was finding out he was HIV-positive while working as a manager at P.F. Chang’s – oh, the humanity!  In that light, Bure’s follow-up seems natural.  As to the question to Pintauro’s husband about unprotected sex, that was actually asked by Raven-Symoné.  She prefaced the question by saying (twice), “Please tell me if this is too personal”.  And the question was this: “You guys have been together for three and a half years.  Do you guys have protected or unprotected sex?”  Although the camera panned to Pintauro’s husband, Danny jumped in to answer – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Everyone’s been wondering when we’ll start the new season of Billy Masters LIVE.  You’ve been clamoring – it’s been a quiet, almost silent clamor, but I’ve heard you.  And I’m happy to say season 4 will kick off on Wednesday, January 25^th – in primetime!  At 8PM Eastern, I’ll be sitting down with singer, model, and gay icon Paul Lekakis.  You’d think I’d have already had Paul as a guest, but I haven’t.  I asked him to be on our first season, but he declined – he didn’t have anything to promote and was living a relatively private life.  Now he’s got a new single – “Rainbow” – and he’s open to talking.  You can tune in live or anytime thereafter on our YouTube channel, Billy Masters TV, or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

There are some stories I try to stay away from, and that includes George Santos – if I may call him that.  But we’ve also seen a video where he introduces himself as Anthony Devolder.  So, who really knows?  He’s previously claimed to be Jewish, only to clarify he meant that he’s “Jew-ish” – well, aren’t we all a bit “Jew-ish”?  That’s just the tip of the iceberg – virtually everything about him is in question.  George has justified these questions with a curious statement: “A lot of people overstate on their resumes.  I’m not saying I’m not guilty of that.”  He is, however, guilty of trying to dance around the subject with a double negative – and, for the record, I hate that!

One thing that doesn’t seem to be in question is that he is gay.  Well, now he is.  He was married to a woman in 2012.  They got divorced in 2019.  “I’m very much gay.  I’m OK with my sexuality.  People change.  I’m one of those people who change.”  But is he one of those people who changes into female clothing?  A grainy photo and an old Wikipedia post say he worked as a drag performer in Brazil (his parents were Brazilian immigrants).  Of course, Wikipedia also says I’m still wearing size 30 jeans!  While Santos hasn’t defended most allegations, he felt compelled to comment on this one.  “The most recent obsession from the media claiming that I am a drag Queen or ‘performed’ as a drag Queen is categorically false.”  Then someone leaked a video.  Could it be?  Yes, it could.  You can check it out on BillyMasters.com, where you’ll see George is quite…well, the polite term is “buxom”.

Somehow Prince Harry managed to be everywhere, talk to everyone, and say absolutely nothing.  It’s almost as if he purposely granted interviews to the least competent people.  The Brit, the heiress, the lisper, the comic – the same old stories.  Oh, he is an artful todger – which apparently is a bit shorter than designed (thanks Granny).  I’m rarely bored with penis talk, but I almost wanted to knock myself unconscious with my dog’s bowl!  If he thinks any of these tales are going to mend the rift with his family…well, he should have called the book Delusional.

Thank God we’ve unearthed one story Harry left out of his book.  According to Las Vegas stripper Carrie Royale, she had a less-than-memorable encounter with the Prince back in 2012.  Of course, we all remember Harry’s infamous Vegas trip – which clearly did not stay in Vegas.  According to Carrie, “I was with him for a good 20 minutes with lots of kissing and fumbling.”  Alas, the fumbling didn’t lead anywhere.  But Carrie did hold onto one prize jewel.  No, not the royal jewels.  The royal jewels holster.  She kept a pair of black boxer briefs that she claims Harry was wearing…at least at the beginning of the night.  She previously attempted to auction the undies off last September, but stopped the bidding “out of respect for the Queen”.  She’s now put them back on the block – “to help remind him of his fun side.”  She claims that during the course of the night, Harry danced to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”.  If he actually “beat it” while wearing the undies, she could make a small fortune on his DNA!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in Tampa: “Have you heard about this nude photo of Pablo Schreiber?  Do you have it?”

I’ll answer Gary’s questions, but first I’m gonna tell a story.  A friend of mine used to work for a man who redecorated his home.  One day, he brought in some snapshots of the finished rooms to show the staff.  In the living room, there was a sliding glass door.  Faintly visible in the reflection of the door was what one person thought was a statue of a nude man.  On closer inspection, it was obviously a reflection of the photographer – who happened to be nude!  Once it was identified to the group, everyone was agog (or aghast, or one of those words that begins with an “a”).  The Pablo Schreiber story is very similar.  The sexy actor (known for Law & Order: SVU, American Gods, and Orange Is the New Black) posted a photo showing his terrace from behind a sliding glass door.  But clearly visible was…WHOOPSIE!  As you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m not wild about Harry, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  As always, we’re willing to show all on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that sports a streak-free shine.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Prince Harry reveals his Golden Globes.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I first met Sherri Shepherd at the Hairspray film premiere.  And if you know anything about either of us, you won’t be surprised to learn that we were at the buffet!  You will not find anyone with a bigger and more genuine heart.  She’s always been supportive of my endeavors – whether it was surprising me on the radio program One in Ten, or popping on when her former co-star Eric Roberts was a guest on Billy Masters LIVE.  So I am thrilled to announce that her hit daytime talk show, Sherri, has just been renewed for not one but TWO seasons!  Hearing Sherri’s stories is a great way to start the day (or end it – depending on what city you’re in).

Bette Midler recently went to see the Broadway revival of The Music Man, and she positively gushed over the production, featuring Hugh Jackman and Sutton Foster.  “What a shame The Music Man at the #WinterGarden in NYC is closing on the 19^th.  It’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen in my life: absolutely beautiful.”  It may be happenstance, but this production shares many things with the Midler-helmed revival of Hello, Dolly! – a director and choreographer, to say nothing of the set and costume designer.  At least she knows what she likes!

The drama behind the revival of Funny Girl isn’t over.  While Lea Michele is firmly ensconced in the Broadway production, ladies are lining up to lead the national tour.  Despite the success of standby Julie Benko, touring cities want a “name”…but not necessarily a BIG name.  People like a Hailee Steinfeld, Chloe Grace Moretz, Dove Cameron, Elle Fanning, Bella Thorne, Camila Mendes, Natalia Dyer, Victoria Justice, Ariel Winter and even Bindi Irwin are vying for the role.  Someone not mentioned but who I think would be great is Elizabeth Gillies.  Eventually, I’ll mention a name someone recognizes.

There I was, minding my own business, when I stopped into one of the many Dunkin’ Donuts (now colloquially referred to as Dunkin’) near my family’s ancestral home.  And who do I see behind the counter?  Ben Affleck!  Wearing a headset!  Affleck at a Dunkin’ is no surprise – he’s been a vociferous devotee for years.  I’m told he was filming a Super Bowl commercial.  And, wait – wasn’t that JLo handing out orders at the drive-thru window?

“As a gay man, I want to apologize for all the gays
on behalf of what we tried to do to her on that boat!”
– Jerrod Carmichael takes a moment out of the Golden Globes to apologize to White Lotus
star Jennifer Coolidge, who memorably exclaimed, “These gays – they’re trying to murder me!”

The Golden Globes returned to NBC…with a thud.  It was one of the least viewed Globes in television history – second only to the year when the awards were handed out at a press conference during the 2008 writers strike.  Getting higher ratings than Nancy O’Dell and Billy Bush is a dubious distinction, but one Jerrod Carmichael has to his credit.  Opinions were split as to how he did, but if Shelly Miscavige turns up, he’ll be lauded a hero.  I want to send out special props to Ryan Murphy, who singled out Mj Rodriguez, Billy Porter, Niecy Nash, Matt Bomer, and Jeremy Pope in accepting the Carol Burnett Award.  “I have dedicated most of my lifetime achievement speech here tonight to these wonderful actors I worked with to make a point of hope and progress.”  Bravo.

The Grammy Awards just announced they’ll present a Lifetime Achievement Award to a legendary group who never won an award.  In fact, they were only nominated twice.  The Supremes!  This is not unprecedented.  In 2012, a Lifetime Achievement Award was given out to a legendary artist who was nominated 10 times and never won anything.  Diane Ross!  This has started a guessing game – who will accept on behalf of The Supremes?  In the past, Miss Ross would never attend an event where she’d run into Mary Wilson.  Since Mary died two years ago, this leaves Diane as the sole founding member (we’ve also lost Florence Ballard, Barbara Martin and Betty McGlown).  I don’t expect Cindy Birdsong or Jean Terrell to show up.  But maybe Diane will invite Scherrie Payne, Lynda Laurence, Susaye Green…or even Debbie Sharpe!

Last week was a busy one for celebrity deaths.  I don’t want to make light of the passing of such luminaries as Adam Rich and Robbie Knievel (Evil’s son).  I even observed a moment of silence when I heard about Lisa Marie Presley’s passing – although, I never thought she looked particularly healthy (or happy).  But I was genuinely sad bidding adieu to my dear friend, Carole Cook.  Truly it is no tragedy to go at 98…although it is sad that she was only three days shy of 99.  Beyond her extensive work on television (a protégée of Lucille Ball), stage (42^nd Street) and film (The Incredible Mr. Limpet), she was a tireless fundraiser in the fight against AIDS and one helluva broad.  I once asked her the secret of her success.  “I’m a great fuck”.  We had SO much in common.

Openly gay football player Carl Nassib rang in the new year with a hunky new boyfriend.  He posted a photo of them on social media, saying “Kicking off 2023 with my man and a trip to the playoffs.”  His beau is Søren Dahl, a Danish swimmer who sports that ripped swimmer’s build so many claim to have and rarely deliver.  Trust me when I say Dahl delivers – which you can also see on our website.

That’s a perfect segue into our Ask Billy question.  Henry from Dallas asks, “What do you know about Britney Spears’ husband?  I saw some photos of him, and he’s got an amazing body.  Kinda like a porn star.  Any nudes?”

I never gave Sam Asghari much thought – until I got Henry’s e-mail.  When I did some research, my first thought was, “Yowza!”  He certainly does look like he could be a model, an actor, or a gay porn star.  While I can only confirm two of those professions, I can happily add that he’s hung.  In some photos Sam swiftly deleted from social media, he clearly shows off his penis in some tight-fitting shorts.  They may have disappeared from public view, but can still be seen on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re objectifying Britney’s beau, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  There’s a whole lot of objectifying going around.  That disgraced weatherman even complained about it.  “I don’t enjoy being humiliated and treated like a sexual object.”  Rest assured, I do not mind either – as you’ll see on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that never complains and never explains.  If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we discover that Barbara is buried under the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Color me surprised to see someone who was fired back on the air.  Last week, Sharon Osbourne was on air saying, “Hello everybody.  A happy, happy New Year and welcome to The Talk.”  But she wasn’t sitting next to Sheryl Underwood.  She was on The Talk UK!  I’m not sure if she’ll be a regular on the show or if this will be an occasional spot.  But I’m always glad to see Shazza.

Elsewhere in the UK, The Spice Girls are not at all happy about a new release of an old track.  It all started when they released the 25^th anniversary edition of Spiceworld – which included some live tracks, alternate versions of some songs, and some unreleased demos.  One of the demos considered was a song called “C. U. Next Tuesday”!  Surely I don’t have to explain why it wasn’t released back in 1996.   But Mel C. says it’s not because of the title.  “[It] was never used because it’s a pile of shit.  I think it would be a big rip-off if Virgin put it on a greatest hits album now.”  And Virgin didn’t release it.  But someone found the track and leaked it online.

In some cheeky music news, Sam Smith recently bared all.  They (which is Sam’s pronoun of choice) spent the holidays in Thailand and took some racy photos showing off their assets on a boat and in a rocky glade – which sounds painful.  Should you be so inclined, float on over to BillyMasters.com to check out the goods.

When director Franco Zeffirelli released Romeo and Juliet in 1968, there was quite a hubbub about the nudity of both Olivia Hussey and Leonard Whiting.  On one hand, the stars were applauded for their performances – particularly being roughly the same age as the characters (Hussey was 15, Whiting was 16).  On the other hand, the film not only showed the teens in sexual situations, but also in various degrees of undress.  This led to the stars recently filing a suit against Paramount Pictures for $500 million!  You might be wondering why they are coming forward half a century later.  Apparently there’s some statute of limitations that was about to run out.  In the complaint, they claim that Zeffirelli told them that no nudity would be in the final cut.  Of course, he died in 2019 – so we can’t ask him.  But as recently as 2018, Hussey defended the nudity saying, “It was needed for the film.”  She added, “It wasn’t that big of a deal.”  The suit claims that the nudity impacted their careers.  “Plaintiffs have also suffered a lifetime of loss of earnings and other employment benefits and job opportunities, and will continue to suffer such losses.”  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t recall either of them having thriving careers before!

Time for the hottest game in NYC, Where’s Barbara?  The Barbara in question is Barbara Walters.  Obviously we all know she’s dead.  But none of her friends know exactly where she is.  According to insiders, friends have been calling funeral parlors all over the Tri-State area in order to figure out what the arrangements are.  Not only friends, but former colleagues – including people at ABC and, in particular, The View.  When the famed Frank E. Campbell facility was contacted, they said (rather bluntly, if you ask me), “We don’t have her!”  Walters’ moody daughter Jackie has remained mum.  The supposition is that since she had to share her mother with the world while she was alive, she’s keeping the arrangements private.  Maybe Barbara’s been cryogenically preserved – only to be revived in time to say, “Welcome to 3030!”

If Barbara were still with us, I’m sure she’d be reporting on the execution of Amber McLaughlin.  I never heard of her either, but turns out she made history.  She is the first transgender person (of either sex) to be executed in this country.  She was also the first person put to death this year, but that’s less historic.  When Amber was still Scott, s/he was convicted of murdering a former girlfriend.  That typically wouldn’t lead to an execution.  But while the jury came back with a guilty verdict, they could not decide on a punishment.  That was left to the discretion of the judge, who made the unprecedented decision of the death penalty (apparently only two states allow this to happen).  It was after being sentenced to death by lethal injection that Scott transitioned to Amber.  A curious case, indeed.

Our first Ask Billy question of the year comes from Jacob in Chicago: “Why did Shawn Mendes strip to his underwear and dive into a freezing lake?”

That sounds like a riddle – except I didn’t know “why”.  So I put on my reporter’s hat and found out why Mendes took off everything else.  I’m suspect it has something to do with being Canadian – you know they’re wacky.  He did indeed strip to his hip briefs for an icy plunge.  But, let’s clear one thing up – he didn’t “dive” anywhere.  He kinda eased himself into the frigid water.  He later said, “I can’t feel a thing” – which, in my vast experience, is no compliment.  You can check the video out for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

The last days of 2022 were harrowing for a number of Broadway shows.  Despite some final bits of resuscitation, Ain’t No Mo’ shuttered with a whimper.  In fact, one headline exclaimed that 16 Broadway shows will be closing in the next month.  The shocking truth is I am not entirely sure I could name 16.  And, after perusing the list of those closing, there are only two I’m sorry to have missed.

Last week, a woman was being “disruptive” during the first act of the Broadway revival of Death of a Salesman.  She spent much of the time rummaging in her bag and talking back to the actors onstage.  Many around her were relieved when she seemed to leave during intermission.  As with most good plays, there was a twist – she returned to her seat for the second act.  And that’s when things turned from disruptive to downright crazy.  People in her vicinity believe her shouts and exclamations were fueled by alcohol.  Eventually, the show had to be suspended, the house lights came on, and Wendell Pierce (playing Willy Loman) strode to the footlights and asked her to leave the venue.  The gal refused to leave, saying if she couldn’t see the rest of the show, nobody else would – unless she got her money back.  “Alright, here’s the deal,” said Wendell.  “If you would like your money back, I will guarantee your money back” (you can see the video on BillyMasters.com).  The lady, wearing a large fur coat, stood by the stage while Pierce allegedly asked an usher to “grab some cash”.  As if on cue, that’s when police showed up.  But the dénouement was less than spectacular.  The lady left and the show went on.

Leave it to Barbara Walters to upstage a giant Waterford Crystal ball dropping in Times Square.  While not unexpected, it was sadly announced that Walters died at the age of 93.  It’s been whispered that she had been battling dementia for at least seven years, and was practically bedridden for the past five.  Still, one cannot say enough about her place in history.  She routinely broke glass ceilings and never let the word “No” deter her.  She did whatever it took – whether it was playing second banana to a chimp or wearing a Bunny costume (rumor has it she wanted to be buried in it).  In later years, she created a lasting legacy in daytime television.  Cheri Oteri as Barbara Walters said it best: “Some may call it a trainwreck – we call it The View.”

As hard as it was to say goodbye to Barbara, an even more difficult death occurred just under the wire.  Anita Pointer of the fabulous Pointer Sisters passed away on New Year’s Eve.  My love for the group is well-documented.  Anita was on one of the first episodes of Billy Masters LIVE.  While she always had an infectious laugh and a raucous sense of humor, the light inside had been extinguished since the death of daughter Jada in 2003.  She admitted, “It took 90% of me away.”  As she was the daughter of reverends, I questioned her faith after this loss.  She sadly said, “I really don’t have any faith.”  You can watch this entire interview on BillyMasters.com.  Rest in peace, Anita.

This being our 23^rd New Year’s column, I don’t feel the need to beat around the bush.  Heck, I haven’t even seen my first bush of the New Year.  But I have seen my first Lindsay Wagner film.  Faithful fans of Filth know I ring in each New Year watching Lindsay’s latest oeuvre with friends.  Believe it or not, nary a year goes by without a new release.  In 2022’s When Jack Came Back, Jack (played by the sexy Mike Markoff, who has a penchant for plunging V-necks) comes home for his father’s funeral and finds his mom (Lindsay) on the precipice of Alzheimer’s.  Don’t wrack your brain trying to remember it – this flick doesn’t have a distributor…yet.  But I don’t let little details like that stop me.

My cadre did take time out to see how things were going in Times Square.  Oh, it’s not the same without Dick Clark – even the later-day animatronic Dick Clark.  But Seacrest does an admirable job with his frozen features.  Things were slightly different on CNN.  Anderson still giggles like a girl and Andy asks questions that people don’t understand.  But this time, CNN issued an edict – no liquor on the set.  That didn’t stop remote guests – most notably Kevin Hart – from doing the drinking for them!

 
26 December 2022

“He doesn’t like gay people.  Doesn’t want them in Russia. 
And then he’s got the wonderful basketball player and he won’t let her out. 
Make up your mind!  He’s always acting so butch and strutting around. 
You know what that means, don’t ya, uh-huh?  The lady doth protest too much!”
– Leslie Jordan’s two cents on Vladimir Putin.

Around now, everyone will be doing their 2022 retrospectives.  And far be it from me not to jump on a bandwagon.  I think we can all agree that the most scandalous moment of the year happened at the Academy Awards.  Why, it was the most outrageous thing to happen on live TV since that incident with Jack Ruby!  In case you were under a rock, Chris Rock made an innocuous joke, and Will Smith went crazy, strode onto the stage, and slapped Rock.  Oh, yes.  Not a punch – a slap!  How metrosexual of him!  What I found most shocking is that this obvious assault happened in front of thousands of people, and there were absolutely no ramifications.  Strike that – the assailant was later given an award…and a standing ovation!  Since then, the Academy has banned Will from the festivities for the next 10 years.  Which I’m sure thrills the producers of his most recent oeuvre.

It takes lots of drama to make the world pay attention to Broadway.  From the beginning, the Funny Girl revival seemed ill-conceived.  Based on a flawed and forgettable UK revival, it lacked the show-stopping glamour required to evoke the Ziegfeld Follies.  And Beanie Feldstein seemed to lack the vocal chops to play Fanny Brice.  Along came Lea Michele (and a rabid group of Gleeks), who felt that she was being robbed of some kind of birthright.  She didn’t openly campaign against Beanie, but she let the powers that be know she was available if they needed her.  And need her they did.  Feldstein’s notices were unremarkable, while Lea was giving concerts around the country…singing songs from Funny Girl to acclaim.  Something had to give, and negotiations were made for Michele to replace Beanie.  Feldstein caught wind of the skullduggery and left the show prematurely.  This allowed her standby, Julie Benko, a moment to shine while Michele got up to speed.  The end of this story was like every Hallmark movie.  Lea went into the show, got great notices and re-recorded the score in time for the holidays.

Except (there’s always that except) she can’t win a Tony Award because she’s a replacement.  Or can she?  Back in 2005, the Tonys ruled that “high-profile replacements” can in fact be nominated for an award.  If that doesn’t work…Lea’s best friend is in a show that is slated to transfer to Broadway late next year.  My sources suspect Michele is angling to oust the current female lead and replace her.  That way she can originate the role on Broadway and win that Tony.  Sounds far-fetched?  Go back and read that Funny Girl paragraph again.

Not all diva-drama is limited to Broadway.  Another big scandal of the year took place in Las Vegas when Adele cancelled her entire run at Caesars Palace 24 hours before opening night.  “I’m so sorry, but my show ain’t ready,” she said.  This did not make her fans happy – fans who had flown in from around the world!  But, the story has a silver lining.  Someone came up with a concept Adele liked, and she debuted six months later to acclaim.

On the small screen, my pal Sherri Shepherd has a hit on her hands.  It started by filling in for the “indisposed” Wendy Williams, and led to her own show – with much of the same production team in place.  While a flurry of other daytime talkers have debuted this season, Sherri has emerged as the highest-rated newcomer.  Meanwhile, Wendy has been seen strolling the streets of NYC late at night, buying booze and smokes.

In primetime (admittedly, on a streaming service), Shangela made history as the first drag performer to compete on Dancing with the Stars.  The real-life DJ Pierce tackled each challenge with aplomb and knocked everybody’s socks off.  And took third place.  We haven’t heard the last of Shangela – she’s poised to mount a nationwide tour starting in my native Boston in January.

Elsewhere in Massachusetts, another drag diva was felled.  The vivacious Varla Jean Merman was performing Varla Jean Merman’s Ready to Blow at Provincetown’s Crown & Anchor.  At one point in the show, she downed numerous pills – for stage purposes, the pills were Tic Tacs.  One errant edible was underfoot as Varla launched into her big dance number from Anything Goes.  Her shoe landed on the candy and she tumbled with a thud!  Patrons thought this was part of the show, when in fact Merman suffered a complete detachment of her quads at the tendon and fractured her kneecap (I keep copious notes).  Always the trooper, she returned to the stage several days later in a wheelchair with her newly-adapted show, Varla Jean Merman’s Ready to Blow…On Wheels!  Alas, most of her engagements for the remainder of 2022 had to be cancelled.  While you can make Varla go down, you can’t keep her down.  She’s rescheduled those dates and has emerged triumphant.

Less triumphant was Billy Eichner’s assault of the big screen.  Much of the damage was done during the advance publicity – which included Eichner mocking the successful streaming film Fire Island.  When Bros was released, it was met with mostly positive reviews, but largely ignored by the ticket-buying public.  That said, the film is entertaining and is doing well…ironically via streaming!  While Eichner is undeniably funny, he’s also unlikeable.  But in the right role – the caustic best friend, the catty neighbor – he’d steal the show.  I’m told that the limp response to this maiden endeavor puts many of his future plans in flux.

This inevitably leads to celebrity deaths.  In terms of sheer drama, nothing will ever top Anne Heche’s immolation.  After erratically driving through an LA residential area, she literally plowed into a woman’s living room.  It took emergency workers close to an hour to extricate her from the blaze.  When the gurney finally emerged from the scene, a sheet was over the body.  And then, as if out of a movie (admittedly, not a very good movie), Heche popped up as if to say, “Fooled you!  I’m alive!”.  That burst of energy was her last, and she succumbed days later.

Far more notable for many in our community was the passing of Leslie Jordan.  While the coroner has yet to determine a cause of death, it is assumed he had a cardiac episode during rush hour while driving to film his sitcom, Call Me Kat.  Leslie made an indelible impression on everyone he met, and many whom he didn’t.  He was a pint-sized dynamo who packed a whole lotta living in his brief 67 years.  He left the world a bit better by being in it.

I could write endlessly about Betty White, Olivia Newton-John, Judy Tenuta, Nichelle Nichols, Angela Lansbury, and many others.  But kudos to Tony Dow, who managed to die not once, but twice.  Take that, Heche!

What can you say about Queen Elizabeth II.  Few can remember a time she wasn’t a part of their lives.  She was not only a witness to history – she was history.  QEII was a stabilizing force in a turbulent world.  She grew into her role as the world’s grandmother – a role that is impossible to fill.  Long live the Queen.

I know my audience – you love the hot guys.  Most recently, people have been lusting over Big Daddy on American Horror Story (played by bodybuilder Matthew William Bishop).  But it was Jesse Williams in the Broadway revival of Take Me Out that made the biggest stir.  And, without a doubt, that brief clip that leaked shows Jesse’s stirrer is sizeable.  And he’s in good company.  You should check out the entire cast of the show in some exclusive shower footage that can only be seen on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re wrapping up with a gaggle of nude guys, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Trust me, if you were gonna gag, you could do worse than the boys on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that has no gag reflex!  If you’d like to sample our wares, reach out to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my balls drop!  Until next year, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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Revised: Dec 27, 2022 @ 8:44 am

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, there was quite a to-do about a gay actor kissing his date.  Yes, let that sink in – Ian McKellen is not only playing a woman but also a goose, and two men kissing is verboten (as they say in Deutschland).  That it happened to a somewhat notable person didn’t help matters.  The fantastic Drew Droege was on a dinner date at El Compadre – a venue which regularly hosts gay and drag performances in the basement!  I’ll let Drew tell you what happened next: “Finishing up our second drinks, we had our arms around each other and kissed a few times.  A manager approached our table and said something to the affect of ‘you guys can’t do that in here.’  We were confused at first, but then he very firmly stated, ‘this is a family restaurant.’”  When Drew protested, the manager asserted, “I don’t care if you’re the President of the United States, we don’t allow your behavior here.”  Drew and his beau promptly left and posted his account on social media.  Within hours, the owner posted a response.  “We want to sincerely apologize for the actions of our manager the night of December 12^th.  This is not representative of our core values at El Compadre, and we wanted to let our customers know that the manager has been terminated.”  Happy holidays!