Every once in a while, someone asks me about Calvin Klein’s former beau, Nick Gruber (no relation).  I seem to recall him being arrested after some out-of-control house party.   And I think there were a few brushes with the law that led to assault and drug charges.  But that was eons ago.  And then, poof, as if a gift from the gods, I looked up and saw him on TV.  No, he didn’t have a juicy role to sink his teeth into.  He was on the news – and the news wasn’t good.  It was a story about an older gay couple who lived in Santa Rosa, California.  During the pandemic, they took in a roommate – or a “roommate” – they didn’t clarify.  After doing a clearly not thorough background check, they rented Nick a room of his own.  A month later, the house was raided!  Why?  Police said it was a routine probation check.  Neighbors saw people coming and going, talked to the landlords, and a dispute ensued.  Police showed up and found a locked safe which had a gun, nine pounds of methamphetamines, and $10K in cash.

Gruber doesn’t say he was “dealing drugs”.  He says he was a “broker” in “the drug industry”.  OK, so he’s a dealer with a thesaurus!  He was still convicted and went to jail for two years.  Legally, the landlords were advised to send an eviction notice to Gruber in prison which also stated that if someone didn’t claim his belongings, they would be disposed of.  The landlords say they donated the stuff to the Mormon Church.  Oh, the humanity!  Gruber claims his belongings included thousands of dollars of designer clothes, furnishings and jewelry.  He sued the couple for the value of his missing property – which he totaled at $182K!  Problem was, he didn’t have receipts (well…you know…).  One item on his list caught my eye.  He says he had an H&M V-neck shirt costing $225.  Honey, I shop at H&M – NOTHING costs that much!  The judge awarded him $8,683.92, which Nick felt was a win!  You can see his interview and the entire news report on BillyMasters.com.

(It has since been pointed out to me that the $225 was for 10 H&M V-neck shirts.  Much more reasonable.  But now that I’m looking at the amount of clothes he claims to have had, I wonder if he was running an outlet!)

Our Ask Billy question is actually more of an answer.  Patrick in San Francisco writes, “If you’ve never watched Naked and Afraid, you’ve missed out on the hottest little twunk to come around in a long time – Dan Link.”

I have indeed watched Naked and Afraid and written about it in this very column.  Patrick goes on to tell me that Dan is the first openly gay man to win Naked and Afraid – Last One Standing, which took place in South Africa.  Apparently Dan is a scientist, but did some nude modeling in his earlier years.  Since Patrick shared with me, I’ll share with you – on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m looking up the word “twunk”, it’s definitely time to end another column.  I bet Nick could look it up in his thesaurus.  Once again, we ran long – which sounds like some of the photos you’ll find on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s never afraid of nudity!  If you have a question or want to share a find of your own, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Liza gets her fourth hip (and you know what that means…the fifth one is free).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“According to Barbra, I would have no career if it weren’t for her. 
She turned down Barbarella, she turned down Klute,
They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? and Julia. 
Can you see her…oh, never mind.”   
– Jane Fonda shakes her head – probably at the thought of Babs in any
of those Barbarella outfits.  I mean, the boots alone could kill her!

We interrupt this column for a special announcement – Bette Midler wants to make a sequel to one of her classic flicks.  Given the time of year, you’d think I meant Hocus Pocus 3.  And, yes, she does want to do that.  But that’s not what we’re talking about.  Sure, talk of a second First Wives Club surfaces every once in a while.  The Fabulous Four probably put an end to that.  Instead, Midler would like to see where CC Bloom ended up when she got older.  Yes, she wants to make Beaches 2!  Of course, she doesn’t have a script, a director, or a story.  In fact, I don’t believe she even has the rights!  But she told an interviewer, “It would be great if I could revisit that character at this age.  I think it would be marvelous.  And the songs would be great.”  From your lips…

The Broadway League has (once again) reversed a catastrophically bad decision: “In recognition of the passing of several beloved Broadway community members in recent weeks, and in honor of their significant impact on that community, the Committee of Theatre Owners has announced that they will dim the lights of all Broadway theatres in New York in honor of Adrian Bailey, Gavin Creel, and Maggie Smith.”  They add, “In addition, the Committee is reviewing their current dimming policy and procedures.”  Many people have asked me, “What is the big deal?  Flick a switch, dim some lights, move on.”  And that would be great, if it were that simple.  I’m told many unions are involved and the dimming of lights (typically accompanied by some graphic which some techie in high school could probably facilitate in seconds) – ends up costing thousands of dollars.  Can’t someone make an app for that?

This ruling was made in the nick of time.  I’m not saying Liza is near death, but you know…tick tock.  We previously told you that Miss Minnelli is working on her memoirs.  The book will be called Kids, Wait ‘Till You Hear This and is scheduled to be released in the spring of 2026.  As you know, she’s being assisted on this project by her bestie, Michael Feinstein.  “We’ve been joined at the hip for 40 years,” says Liza – a curious statement from someone who has had no fewer than three hip replacements!  I bet having someone joined to your hip makes the replacement a whole lot more complicated.  Liza calls Feinstein “my absolute favorite collaborator.  Michael’s one of the greats, he’s razor-sharp and he tells the truth.  That’s important because, as I fly toward my eighth decade of living, memories differ.”  I bet they do.  Speaking of differing memories, let’s start with Liza thinking she can fly!

With precious few projects on the horizon for women of a certain age, Barbra Streisand is continuing to stroll down memory lane.  Hot on the heels of her best-selling memoir, she’s now opening up even more.  She’s planning to participate in a large-scale documentary which will take advantage of her vast archive of material.  While she is allegedly not controlling the narrative (as if), the producers have said the following: “The production has been granted unprecedented access to Streisand’s personal archives, including hundreds of hours of personal, never-before-seen video, photographs, audio recordings, and personal keepsakes from throughout her acclaimed career.”  That couldn’t have been hard – they just had to go to one of those shops in her basement.

I’m writing to you from a plane, sitting between two (ostensibly) heterosexual men.  Having nothing to do, my first thought was to watch some gay porn.  Instead, I did something even gayer.  I turned on the last two episodes of Dancing with the Stars!  I think my reasons for not watching this show and The Bachelor are well documented.  However, if that former Bachelor, Joey Graziadei, isn’t a ringer, then I don’t know who is.  This is someone who moves like a professional dancer…and I know this because for several seasons I was “dating” half of the Boston Ballet.  I also question whether this Bachelor has interest in anyone female…but that’s another story (we learned he’s a former cheerleader).  Obviously I have a fondness for hometown boy Danny Amendola, and I can’t fault him for showing off that body!  As for some behind-the-scenes gossip, I hear that one of the pros was told to lose weight or their contract would not be renewed.  Speaking of scuttlebutt (and what a butt it is), rumor has it that another pro on the show is itching to come out.  Problem is, it could ruffle a few feathers.  Lastly, on their tribute to Soul Train, is it just me or did Dwight Howard bear a striking resemblance to Sheryl Underwood from The Talk?

By the by, didya know that prior to going on DWTS, Joey got something called armpit Botox!  An alleged expert says, “Botox in the underarms treats hyperhidrosis and helps reduce pit stains.  It makes sure Joey stays sweat free on DWTS”.  The more you know…

How was your week?  Probably better than Anderson Cooper’s – to say nothing of all the people in West Florida.  There he was, in Bradenton, Florida, getting pummeled…and not in the good way!  Call me crazy, but I always thought Coop would enjoy getting hit in the face with something slippery and wet.  “Woah!  That wasn’t good,” said Andy.  Eh, chacun à son gout.  Meanwhile on CBS, your favorite and mine, Rob Marciano, resurfaced just a few miles away from Cooper in Tampa.  After being canned by ABC, he was gobbled up by the Eye Network.  You know what that means?  Mrs. Muir now has to record TWO evening news shows!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in Houston: “Where is Akbar Gbajabiamila?  What happened to him?”

I wanted to say I have no idea who that is, and then I remembered he’s the football player on The Talk.  He’s also on a show called Good Morning Football – which I, predictably, know nothing about.  Akbar (if I may call him that) missed a few of his scheduled appearances last week due to his prior commitment to American Ninja Warrior – finally, a show I’ve heard of.  As to The Talk, I find it curious that the network would shell out money for a new theme song.  After all, low-rated daytime chat show has been cancelled and is going off the air in December.  What will take its place?  We hear CBS is giving the timeslot to a new soap opera, Beyond the Gates.

When soaps are making a comeback, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  As we went to press, a mutual friend told me of the passing of Christopher Ciccone (brother of you-know-who).  While we were not particularly close, Christopher and I ran in the same circles in LA and he was always fun to be around.  Chris and Madge’s stepmom, Joan, also passed away last week.  The idea that life is so fleeting reminds me of something Gavin Creel said at the end of his last text to a friend: “Not living is the one thing I have learned so far during this time that is NO LONGER AN OPTION EVER AGAIN.  Live.  If you are alive LIVE.”  And if you wanna really be living, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll go from Creel to Potsie in the blink of an eye!  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we do a column of the correct length again!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I finally finished watching Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menéndez Story.  Not that it was a chore – I was simply savoring it.  I loves me some Menéndez boys.  I’ve always been more partial to Erik than to Lyle.  I felt the same way here.  In this version, Erik is far more, shall we say, “fluid” than Lyle – except in the shower, which is a whole other story.  In any Ryan Murphy oeuvre, we have come to expect a certain amount of artistic license.  In this one, he doesn’t disappoint.  Call me crazy, but I find it hard to believe that these boys were lounging alone in a hotel room wearing only colorful bikini briefs while ordering shrimp.  Something seemed – well, fishy.  There was also lots of sexual content.  We had José touching the boys (and more), Kitty check out Lyle’s junk, the boys soaping up each other (in a manly sort of way), and Erik teasing guys of color in the prison shower with his perfect ass.  The actor says the penis was a prosthetic.  But you can’t fake that ass – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Let me say a bit about the casting.  As far as I was concerned, the star of the show was Ari Graynor, who played the unlikeable Leslie Abramson (and looked strikingly like Jennifer Grey two noses ago).  She was riveting.  Nathan Lane gave a wonderful performance without even the slightest resemblance to Dominick Dunne (but there was something vaguely reminiscent in his halting speech pattern).  I’m no fan of Ms. Sevigny – so that was probably good casting.  Javier Bardem didn’t grab me – which puts me ahead of his sons.  Lyle was perfectly played by Nicholas Alexander Chavez – who claims to have never heard of the family before he auditioned for the part.  And Erik was embodied eerily by Cooper Koch – who is openly gay, and looks like a young Matthew Ludwinski.  Koch had quite a tour de force with Episode Five, which was shot in a single take.  I’d like to think he’ll be remembered at Emmy time – while I’ll remember other aspects of his “performance” frequently.

The miniseries (which is what we’d call it in the old days) has been met with both praise and criticism – starting with Erik Menéndez himself, who called it “disheartening slander”.  Ryan Murphy said, “I think it’s interesting that he’s issued a statement without having seen the show.”  The brothers can’t be too pissed off at Netflix – they participated in a documentary called The Menéndez Brothers via extensive audio interviews.  Rosie O’Donnell, who has gotten close to Lyle over the years (she’s visited him and interviewed him on her podcast), advised him to never watch the show – but added that perhaps the attention would be helpful to their cause.  In recent years, their claims of sexual abuse have gained traction, particularly after last year’s docuseries, Menéndez + Menudo: Boys Betrayed.  Kim Kardashian visited with the brothers – which must have done wonders for their “morale”.  She said: “Had this crime been committed and trialed today, I believe the outcome would have been dramatically different.”  Kim didn’t visit the brothers alone – she brought Cooper Koch.  Cooper spoke to Erik before the show premiered and says, “I got to have a really good conversation with him and tell him that I believe him and I did everything I could as an actor to advocate for him and portray him as authentically as possible.”  During his visit, he says he got to embrace both brothers!  The LA District Attorney is conducting a “review of evidence” in anticipation of a November 29^th hearing for the brothers’ petition for a new trial.

Speaking of Broadway, I was intrigued when I heard about the upcoming revival of Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.  No, it wasn’t the play that intrigued me – it was the casting.  The stars will be those dueling thespians, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter!  The Bill & Ted twosome have been looking for something to do together, and the plan for this 2025 revival seemed like a good idea to someone.  You might wanna dim some lights for that!

A reunion you won’t see anytime soon is Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet.  The gay couple from Modern Family was slated for a TV spinoff.  No details were ever announced, but Stonestreet recently revealed that both actors were committed to the spinoff, a pilot was written, and the network was interested.  And then they weren’t.  “I think Jesse and I maybe felt like [the network] thought of us as the old guys, or something like that, that didn’t seem worthy of keeping those characters going.  It felt a little hurtful.  But people make business decisions.”  Eric isn’t giving up on another Modern Family project.  He’d like to see a Christmas special.  Stay tuned…

Another reunion is taking place on the big screen – although I’m fairly confident most people will wait to see it at home.  Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt have signed on to make a sequel to the 1997 classic I Know What You Did Last Summer – which was one of my favorite books in junior high.  Fun Fact – Freddie and Love were also in the 1998 sequel, creatively titled, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.  No word on if other original cast members like Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar will join in.  Or maybe one of them died in the original.  I dunno – I never saw it.  But I’ve got the VHS sitting in a pile of stuff I have to watch…eventually.

In other film reunion news, Anne Hathaway just signed on for Princess Diaries 3.  I assume that means Julie Andrews and Heather Matarazzo will be back.  ‘Cause, well, you know…

“I did good interview.  Please don’t bury me on golf course!”   
– Joy Behar imagines what Melania Trump would say to Donald!  It’s even better
when you see her do it in the video – which, of course, is on our website.

Last week’s column ran REALLY long.  This week is even longer.  So no personal anecdote.  Nothing from my colorful life.  No stories about partying with one of the hottest men in Hollywood at a mutual friend’s 60^th birthday last week.  No telling you how many times he said, “Feel my thigh.  It’s like a rock!”  No, I don’t have time.  Stop asking.  I can’t even tell you how triggered I felt seeing a shirtless photo of Anson Williams.  Yes, he looks good for 75.  But I don’t want to feel anything on him – even if it feels like a rock!  Don’t waste the pill on me, Potsie.

Apropos of our opening quote, let’s talk about celebrity deaths.  When I moved to LA a quarter of a century ago, one of the first people who befriended me was Zsa Zsa Gabor.  That is not germane to this story since she’s been dead for a while.  But I’m always happy to bring up Zsa Zsa.  One of the other people was Ken Page – most renowned for being the first Old Deuteronomy in Cats, a role Zsa Zsa somehow never played.  One of my favorite Page stories was when he appeared with Jenifer Lewis in Ain’t Misbehavin’ – in Amish Country.  He affectionately referred to that production as Amish Behavin’.  I believe it was lit with kerosene!  Ken was a hoot, didn’t take himself too seriously, and always put a smile on your face.  He died at the relatively young age of 70.

If Ken was young, Gavin Creel was a toddler.  The passing at 48 of a person often referred to as “Broadway’s Prince” was shocking to me.  It was also shocking to Gavin, who only learned he had a relatively rare form of cancer in July.  During his truncated career, he won a Tony, Grammy, Olivier, and a Drama Desk Award.  His Tony came for Hello, Dolly! opposite Bette Midler.  A tireless activist and co-founder of Broadway Impact, his family has requested that any gifts in his memory be made to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

As you probably know, when stage actors die, Broadway theaters often dim their lights – as they did recently for James Earl Jones.  While no announcement has been made regarding this honor for Ken Page or Dame Maggie Smith, there will be an acknowledgement for Gavin…kinda.  After three Tony nominations, one win, and eight Broadway shows over the past twenty years, it was announced that “select Broadway theaters will dim their lights for the late Gavin Creel”.  What the fuck is that “select Broadway theaters” bullshit?

Leave it to a comedian to screw up my column.  I had all sorts of things ready to write about Joel Kim Booster – which would have been a perfect transition because he was scheduled to host the Task Force Gala.  But, no, he had to had to pull out (I hate when guys do that) due to one of those “unforeseen circumstances”.  Now I have no reason to tell you that he proposed to his partner John-Michael Sudsina while they were on vacation in Korea.  I also can’t tell you that proposal or not, their relationship is still “open” – at least according to Booster’s Tweet recounting a recent trick asking, “Does your husband know you’re here?” (except Joel typed it in those alternating lower- and upper-case letters that people in their 30s think is cute).  Joel’s retort was, “Yeah bitch I’m on your Instagram right now deciding which photo I’m gonna show him of the annoying guy I just fucked.”  Lastly, I also have no reason to say that when asked about his full-frontal scene in the flick Industry, Booster said, “It didn’t seem like that big a deal.”  That’s what the trick said!  Judge for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

Speaking of dicks, this week’s Ask Billy question comes from Carmen in Chicago: “What do you know about Seth Rose?  I hear he’s a big anti-gay guy, and yet he did gay porn.  Huh??”

Nothing surprises me anymore.  Gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson being on a trans porn website calling himself a black Nazi?  YAWN.  The person Carmen is asking about is Trump supporter Corey DeAngelis, known as Seth Rose on GayHoopla.com (ok, the name of that website does surprise me).  While DeAngelis is known as a Fox News darling who advocates for dismantling public schools, Seth is known as a “hot otter” in a video called Jerk Off Race – a race he won, by the by.  While DeAngelis/Rose doesn’t directly interact with men, he doesn’t mind watching or being watched.  Feel free to watch him for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When it’s 11 o’clock somewhere, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  We ran really REALLY long.  So I’ll have to wait until next week to tell you about the Menendez brothers!  Keep checking out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that has mothers, monsters and Menendezes.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I join Ellen and Oprah for a girl’s night out.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“This is the best show ever!”  I said that several times during Mama I’m a Big Girl Now at The Wallis in Beverly Hills.  After saying it the third time, I was sure of two things: 1) I had to open my review with those words and B) If this show becomes a big hit, my quote will be in every ad!  You would think seeing Marissa Jaret Winokur, Laura Bell Bundy and Kerry Butler (the original stars of Hairspray) would be a little stroll down memory lane.  But how wrong you’d be.  Every number is a major hit from a major show – it’s like a collection of 11 o’clock numbers!  This is a fun-filled, jam-packed, 90-minute love fest of three divas who have chops, belts, and receipts.  They might have taken Broadway by storm 22 years ago, but each of them has more than enough credits to fill a solo show.  OK, maybe not Marissa, but she was on Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity Big Brother, and fired from The Talk – so she’s got plenty to talk about.  The love between them is genuine and the “let’s put on a show” attitude is uproarious.  And we learned things.  For instance, Britney Spears was LBB’s understudy in Ruthless, Kerry won a whole lotta beauty pageants, and Marissa wants to play Mama Rose so badly, she can taste it (she’d be sensational).  Yes, I already knew all of that already, but maybe you didn’t.  Either way, it’s all presented in such a delicious way, I could see it again and again.  And I very well might.  This one-night-only LA gig was just a warm-up for off-Broadway’s New World Stages.  They kick off shows on November 2^nd for a limited run – “run” being the operative word.  RUN – don’t walk – and get your tickets at MamaImABigGirlNow.com.  Tell ‘em Billy sent ya!

Kerry and LBB brought down the house with a high-voltage performance of “For Good” (LBB has played Glinda on Broadway, while Kerry hasn’t taken on Elphaba…yet).  Their performance reminded me of a story I didn’t get to in last week’s column.  To avoid the head-to-head competition that happened at the Tonys, the powers-that-be behind the film of Wicked will be submitting Cynthia Erivo as Best Lead Actress and Ariana Grande as Best Supporting Actress for the Oscars.  So when Ariana doesn’t win anything, she can’t blame Cynthia.

I’m going to get this out of the way – I no longer like Ellen DeGeneres.  I’m saying this upfront so that you can stop reading if you disagree with me, or simply just skip this paragraph.  But if you’re still reading, know that I was a big fan.  How big?  I have every episode of her two sitcoms on VHS.  I have the first seven seasons of her talk show also on VHS.  Which begs the question – what am I going to do with all those videotapes?  But when she came out as gay, I felt let down.  Not because Ellen DeGeneres came out – I loved that.  But I also loved Ellen Morgan – the quirky girl with an even quirkier group of friends.  It bears mentioning that the sitcom’s original title was These Friends of Mine.  But once she realized she was gay, she stopped spending any time with “these friends of hers”.  I didn’t like that.  It might have been what happened to DeGeneres, but it wasn’t funny.  Like her friends, I felt abandoned us – her fans.  Then Ellen and I rekindled during her talk show.  I enjoyed the funny gal visiting with celebrity pals.  But I didn’t like being told “be kind to one another” by someone who reportedly wasn’t so nice.  I heard first-hand horror stories.  But let me say this – every time I’ve met Ellen, she was nice to me.  OK, she didn’t invite me over to the house to hang out with Portia.  But she never slapped me or made me cry.  In her latest special, For Your Approval, I feel misled.  The message of the show is that she no longer cares what we think of her.  Or does she?  Who knows.  I still enjoyed it – especially the stuff about her mother, Betty.  It reminded me of the Ellen I knew and liked.  Before she dumped us.

Adding insult to injury (although I don’t believe anyone was truly insulted or injured), there in the audience of Ellen’s special…Oprah Winfrey!  Believe me, I don’t begrudge Oprah turning to Stedman and saying, “Let’s go to a comedy show tonight.”  She should do whatever she wants.  But seeing a closeup of her during the special…I dunno.  It just felt icky.  But she did seem to be enjoying it – or at least they managed to find 10 seconds of her laughing!

“He has funny taste in music.  He loves show tunes. 
He loves Cats – I’m not kidding.  On a rotating playlist
that he’d walk out to like hype music he’d play ‘Memory’!”   
– Alyssa Farah Griffin revealing Donald Trump’s hidden DJ skills. 
‘Cause nothing gets a crowd jumping like “Memory”!

Choosing this week’s opening quote was quite a tough call.  Who could turn down a one-word quote?  When asked what she would take away from her catastrophic appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Anna Delvey simply said, “Nothing.”  And you know what?  She was telling the truth.  In that moment, I almost respected her.  It’s like when people clap when their competitor wins an Oscar.  Nobody really buys it.  Just once, I’d like someone (other than Kathy Griffin) to mouth, “Motherfucker!”  So Anna, congrats for having a genuine moment on live television.  And shame on Alfonso for saying, “Oh, you had fun, stop it!”  No, you stop it, Alfonso.  She didn’t.

The biggest question I’ve received this week is this: why did Joe Biden walk onstage at The View, past Whoopi and Sara, and go directly over to Ana Navarro and then the rest of the panel?  Here’s what we didn’t see.  During the commercial break prior to his entrance, the President and First Lady came out and surprised the hosts and the audience.  He spoke to Whoopi and Sara before he was whisked backstage to make his official on-air entrance.  We noted that when he shook hands with Alyssa Farah Griffin, he leaned over to say something in her ear.  We now know he said that he admired her bravery in regard to speaking out against Trump.  FYI, he spent most of the subsequent commercial breaks as well as time after the show meeting and taking selfies with members of the audience.  I’m told he was particularly sweet to a 95-year-old grandmother who was in the audience.  Frankly, I think Biden was just tickled to finally meet someone older than him!

In yet another first, we’re venturing into uncharted territory with this week’s Ask Billy question.  John in Minneapolis says: “I hear there’s a vid of Chance the Rapper taking a piss showing his cock. Do you have it?”

And this, children, is why college doesn’t matter.  I have a degree.  I have even been known to cum loudly.  But does it matter?  Nope.  In the end, all that matters is a rapper peeing.  Sadder than the question is that I have an answer!  One night, Chance came home drunk.  While peeing, he saw a bug on the window sill and decided to film it with his phone.  Alas, prior to focusing on the sill, he aimed down.  Don’t judge – I’m sure you’ve all been there!  And if not, you can see what it’s like at BillyMasters.com.

When we’re more embarrassed for showing you the video than we are for Chance (or the question), it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  And potentially my career.  There goes a quarter of a century of work.  Eh, easy come, easy go.  Speaking of easy, the easiest way to find anything is to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that apparently has no standards.  And if you need something – anything – just dash a note off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Taylor and his mom’s next date night!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Meanwhile on the left coast (as a friend of mine used to say), the South Coast Repertory in Costa Mesa is mounting a world premiere play called Joan – a clever name for a show about Joan Rivers.  It was written by Daniel Goldstein, who claims to have been inspired by Joan’s climb to the top, her struggle to stay relevant, and her relationships.  For a show opening on October 27^th, it’s curious that no casting has been announced.  But I’m guessing they’re looking for an unknown.  How will it fare?  Grab a ticket at SCR.org and find out for yourself.

The 10^th anniversary of Joan Rivers’ death will be celebrated with an all-star tribute at the legendary Apollo Theatre.  Because when I think of Joan Rivers, I think of the famed Harlem venue!  This evening, which is also kicking off the New York Comedy Festival, is a fundraiser for Auntie’s favorite charity, God’s Love We Deliver.  Dead Funny – An All-Star Tribute to Joan Rivers (I kid you not) will take place on November 7^th.  And who are all the stars, you may ask?  Missy (who is co-producing the event with our own Erich Bergen) told an interviewer, “The lineup is…the top three female comedians performing right now.”  OK, let’s pretend that’s the truth.  So, who could it be?  Well, Kathy Griffin should be included since Joan loved her, but Missy clashed with her on Fashion Police.  Maybe Margaret Cho – who Joan also loved, and who replaced Kathy on Fashion Police.  Who else?  Well, maybe Amy Schumer?  Maybe Wanda Sykes?  Maybe Chelsea Handler?  I suppose it will be announced eventually on GLWD.org.

I must admit, sometimes even I miss things.  For instance, did you know that Alyssa Milano just joined the Broadway cast of Chicago?  Well, that’s likely not much of a surprise.  I mean…Melanie, Ariana, Christie, Pamela.  Why not Milano?  She’s there until November 10^th.  By the by, this marks Alyssa’s Broadway debut.  Now, I know someone out there is asking if Alyssa appeared in Annie as a kid.  Well, yes and no.  Yes, when she was 7 (or 8 – sources vary), she joined the second national tour of Annie.  Not as Annie herself, but as one of the orphans – at one point she was July, at another point she was Kate (the only difference likely being which scrub brush she used for “It’s a Hard Knock Life”).  But Alyssa never appeared on Broadway in any Annie production.

That said, Annie is returning to NYC – although Madison Square Garden sure ain’t Broadway.  But a bona fide Broadway star will be appearing in this latest incarnation – Whoopi Goldberg.  Prior to the NYC run, the show will play Chicago in November.  Then it will schlep to NYC, where Whoopi will join the cast during the second week of the run (her first show is December 11^th).  It’s there until January 5^th, and then continues touring sans Whoopi.

In case you haven’t heard, Whoopi’s Clara’s Heart co-star, Neil Patrick Harris, is also returning to the New York stage.  And he ain’t alone.  He’ll be co-starring with such folk as Jane Krakowski, Debra Messing, Billy Magnussen and Constance Wu.  The show is Robert O’Hara’s Shit. Meet. Fan. – which is a stage version of the 2016 film Perfect Strangers.  What might surprise you is that this starry production will take place at the Robert W. Wilson MCC Theater Space, which only has 450 seats – talk about intimate!  Performances begin on October 10^th and run through December 1^st.  You can grab what few tickets are left at MCCTheater.org.

Several of you have asked me how Patti LuPone can be on Broadway (with and without Miss Farrow) since she famously gave up her Equity card – Equity being the union governing Broadway performers.  While Patti has not rejoined the union, she is working under an Equity contract through their “financial core” loophole.  This means the production has to treat her as a member, and she has to pay the equivalent of membership dues to the union.  But she does not have certain rights – such as the ability to vote in union matters or run for office.  So, for now, Brooke Shields is safe (FYI – she is Equity’s Madam President).

Many of you (and I do mean many) have written in to chastise me for not giving an update on Austin Wolf’s child porn trial.  Because I’ve been trained to explain things to people who don’t know the details, Wolf was charged with distribution or intent to distribute child pornography – and if you want more details, go online and look it up yourself.  The last thing I need is federal agents busting in on me…again!  But I beg your indulgence for this belated update – which is really no update at all.  Wolf’s preliminary hearing was scheduled for July 29th.  Then it got rescheduled to August 28^th.  It’s now slated for September 27^th.  What do all of these delays mean?  People familiar with federal charges tell me that this means a deal is being hammered out – and we all know about Austin’s hammer!  If I know him, he’ll hammer in the morning, he’ll hammer in the evening, all over the cell block!

Since I’m dipping my toe into my gay porn past, let me take a brief moment and send out congrats to eternal pup Trevor Knight on his recent marriage to Sam Barrus.  They exchanged vows last week in Aspen, CO.

Our Ask Billy question made news everywhere, and yet Todd in Baltimore was the first one to tell me about it: “Is that tape of Shannon Sharpe having sex real?  Can you actually see him? I can’t find the video anywhere.”

I must confess, I had no idea who Shannon Sharpe was/is.  By now, I’m sure everyone knows that he is a very hot tight end.  Well, you’d think that alone would get my attention.  Admittedly, he’s a retired tight end, but his photos look appealing enough (he’s retired from playing football but can be seen on ESPN).  Moving onto the video.  In one of those instances you’d never find me in, Sharpe claims to have been having sex when he inadvertently recorded the tryst.  “I threw my phone on the bed, engaged in an activity.  I did not know IG Live.  I’ve never turned IG Live on so I don’t know how it works and all of a sudden my other phone started going off.”  I have to say I find this entire story somewhat suspect – especially since the phone happened to fall in a way that happened to record on Instagram Live, happened to not record any video showing him (aside from some fleeting skin), and happened to record a particularly vocal moment of coitus with some guttural moans not to be missed.  And, what do you know – prior to this nonvisual recording, there were gay rumors about Sharpe.  Call me skeptical, but you can also call on me if you want to see (or hear) all.  At BillyMasters.com, of course.

When we’re sharing a sex tape for the blind, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Alas, this unseen Michelle is the only one who knows how tight his end actually is.  But we’re staying on it and should this tight end crack open, you’ll hear about it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always gets to the bottom of things.  If you wanna share a tip with me (or Shannon), send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ronan leaves me a message!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Speaking of Madonna, may I give her some unsolicited advice?  Enough with the capes.  Wasn’t it bad enough when she was almost decapitated at the 2015 Brit Awards?  For those of you who don’t remember (as opposed to those of us who watch the video daily), Madge was standing backwards on top of a staircase, with her long cape blowing in the wind behind her.  Dancers were supposed to pull the cape and it would tear away from her.  Alas, she tied it a bit too tightly around her neck, and she went flying.  I bring up this memorable moment in music history because last week Madonna was at the Luar show for NYC Fashion Week.  Again, she’s wearing a cape and thankfully she had at least three attendants helping her.  This time, the culprit was a pair of thigh-high stiletto boots which almost caused her to tumble.  Obviously she should have known better.  I think it even says not to operate machinery or wear capes when taking Boniva!  You can see the tumble and the near-miss on our website.

There was another story that hasn’t gotten nearly enough coverage.  Surely you recall that in the early hours of June 18^th, Justin Timberlake was arrested for drunk driving.  But was he drunk?  He refused a Breathalyzer test (which all good lawyers suggest is a smart move).  Last week in a Sag Harbor courtroom, Timberlake pleaded guilty to “driving while ability impaired” instead of “driving while impaired” – which I supposed is the difference between being tired and being drunk.  He has to do 25-40 hours of community service and make a public safety announcement.  He also paid a $500 fine (add a few more zeros and you get an idea of what he paid his lawyers).  After the hearing (to which he wore a pearl necklace), he said: “I try to hold myself to a very high standard for myself, and this was not that.”  I’d love for some English teacher to tell me how many rules he broke in that statement.  Justin added, “This is a mistake that I made but I’m hoping that whoever’s watching and listening right now can learn from this mistake.  I know that I certainly have.  And like I said – even one drink.  Don’t get behind the wheel of the car.”  Nice sentiment, but you still have to make the PSA!

In a somewhat related story, JC Chasez has been in the news.  No, really – he has!  Stop laughing!  Apparently, he’s teamed up with composer Jimmy Harry and will release an album next month.  Playing With Fire is a 16-track concept album based on Frankenstein!  I said stop laughing!  The press release says it will blend electronic pop and classical music.  The most curious thing about the press release was this tidbit – JC’s legal name is Joshua!

I don’t want to call Sabrina Carpenter a big fat liar – but that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  If you watched the VMAs last week (which I didn’t), you know that Sabrina showed up wearing what she said was Bob Mackie’s vintage gown made for Madonna’s appearance at the 1991 Oscars.  Sabrina said, “Madonna has always been incredibly supportive.  Word got to her that I wanted to do a Madonna look tonight, ‘cause of all the comparisons I get to her.  And she literally sent me her Oscars dress.  It was insane.”  And it sounds insane on so many levels – partially because I’m not entirely convinced Madonna knows who Sabrina Carpenter is!  Then Carpenter’s stylist, Jared Ellner, spilled the beans.  “Madonna still has the custom gown Bob Mackie made for her in her archive, but the other sample piece is the dress I believe we have.”  So, for those of you keeping track, it sounds like he doesn’t believe Madonna went down to FedEx and sent Sabrina a dress!  ‘Cause of all the comparisons, y’know!

Then Britney Spears weighed in.  Britney didn’t watch the VMAs – and that concludes this week’s installment of “Things Britney Spears and I Have in Common”.   Spears made it clear she too has no clue who Sabrina is.  “This Sabrina girl said my name on the red carpet and I thought that was kind of cool…This Sabrina girl…Carpenter!  Thanks!  That’s cool!”  Britney chimed in because Sabrina paid homage to Spears’ onstage kiss with Madonna by kissing an alien – and not the kinda alien that is eating all of the pets in a neighborhood.  In this case, it was an actor wearing a costume made popular in that fantastic FOX special, Alien Autopsy – Fact or Fiction? (and I can answer that for you – it was fiction).  Britney says she saw the clip online and wanted to share her opinion.  “Why is she kissing an alien onstage?  I didn’t understand that part.  Why didn’t she kiss a girl?”  And that concludes this week’s installment of “Things Britney Spears Doesn’t Understand.”

“It would be Joanna Gleason in Into the Woods. 
I should have won for Anything FUCKING Goes, OK? 
I love you, Joanna, but you robbed me.”   
– Patti LuPone’s response to Aubrey Plaza’s question on Hot Ones Versus:
“While you are a three-time Tony winner, you are also a five-time Tony loser. 
Which of the actresses that beat you deserved their win the least?” 
Ladies and gentlemen, Patti LuPone – National Treasure!

Apropos of our opening quote, Patti LuPone is starring alongside Mia Farrow in a two-character play on Broadway called The Roommate.  Alas, they’re one roommate short – Miss Farrow has been stricken with Covid.  Filling in for her is the marvelous Marsha Mason.  Of course, this will ruin one joke in the show – when Farrow’s character gets a voice message from her son – unless Marsha typically gets calls from Ronan Farrow!

This week’s Ask Billy question comes from Russ in Las Vegas: “I just saw a photo of Johnny Sibilly with a really hot guy that was described as his boyfriend.  Who is he?”

Johnny recently shared that he’s dating Phillip Davis, who is also undeniably hot.  Davis is sometimes described as a “cheerleader”, sometimes “an ex-gymnast”, but most often as an “OnlyFans creator” – and I think we all know what that means!  Last week, Sibilly celebrated his 37^th birthday in a special way – he shaved off his beard!  Phillip posted the following on Instagram: “Happy birthday to my favorite person.  You’ve brought so much happiness and love into my life from the moment we met and you make every day brighter with that perfect smile of yours that I’ll never be able to get enough of.  I appreciate and adore you more than you’ll ever know.  Have the best day my little baker, my cookie monster and my best friend.”  I felt like sharing the whole thing so that we can someday look back on it and smile…that knowing smile shared by most readers of BillyMasters.com.

When we’re featuring actors without beards, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I know you’re all wanting to check out Johnny – with and without his facial hair.  You can find him (and Phillip) on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always gives you something to celebrate.  If you have a question burning inside of you, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my return flight on Spirit!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Like so many jilted Bachelorettes before her, Jenn will be appearing on Dancing in the Stars (which I only say in memory of the late Barbara Walters).  While I usually criticize the use of the word “star”, certainly Oscar nominee Eric Roberts qualifies (he’s also an alum of Billy Masters LIVE).  Tori Spelling should be fascinating – in that trainwreck kinda way.  But what about Anna Delvey, the scammer who was immortalized in Inventing Anna?  Call me old-fashioned, but I bet it would be awfully hard to cha-cha-cha wearing an ankle monitor.

Anna’s partner is the newly recruited pro, Ezra Sosa.  And he’s made some headlines of his own because he’s openly gay.  GLAAD calls him the show’s “first Latin queer pro”.  I believe their first openly gay pro was Louis van Amstel, but don’t quote me.  But back to Ezra – you may recognize him because he’s been a member of the DWTS troupe for the past three years.  And, believe it or not, he credits a former contestant with helping him come out.  “She knew I was in the closet.  She knew I was gay.  But she also knew how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.”  Who was the celeb who helped him on his journey?  JoJo Siwa!  “I went on tour with her and it was constant days where she would put makeup on my face and I would be bawling in her arms because it made me so uncomfortable.  But really it was just because I was raised that that wasn’t okay for guys to wear makeup, for guys to wear glittery things, for guys to wear crop tops.  She was this person starting to introduce these things into my life.  And it took a very long time.”  Don’t take too long – crop tops have a decidedly short shelf life.  But for now, Ezra can pull it off just fine – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Another DWTS contestant is Stephen Nedoroscik – the so-called “pommel horse guy” from the Olympics.  A friend of mine told me he had a disability, which was news to me.  So, I looked into it, and I suppose it depends on how you define a disability.  Nedoroscik has a condition known as strabismus – which basically means his eyes easily cross which could cause double vision.  He also has colomba – which has to do with missing tissue.  These are somewhat helped by him wearing his trademark glasses.  But I was thinking he probably could have competed in the Paralympics.  But Stevie went for the regular Olympics, and that makes him more of a champion in my book.

I’m a big believer that people should be honest.  Not me necessarily, but people in general.  Apparently not everybody shares this sentiment.  Take the latest Bachelorette, Jenn Tran.  You know I haven’t watched the show since Chris Harrison’s ouster, so I had to read about what happened.  For those of you who also missed it, let me briefly bring you up to speed.  Jenn proposed to some guy; and then a few weeks later, he called her up to say he was no longer in love with her.  This led to a particularly tense After the Final Rose – which happens live (as opposed to the rest of the show, which is pre-taped and extensively scripted).  So let’s presume that this guy is telling the truth – in the weeks apart, he fell out of love with someone he met on a TV show while she was dating a dozen other men.  What was he to do?  Marry her anyway?  Perhaps send a candygram (do such things still exist)?  And what of all the guys who Jenn dated/made out with/slept with and then dumped?  Baby, that’s showbiz.

“When I received a medal for acting, she said, ‘You’ve been doing this for an
awfully long time.’  I said, ‘Well, not as long as you.’  I got a royal smile for that,
but then she said, ‘Does anyone still actually go to the theater?’  That’s bloody
rude when you’re giving someone a medal for acting.”   
– Ian McKellen on meeting Queen Elizabeth II.

I’m sure you all know I’m easygoing.  However, it is possible to rile me up.  Last week, I flew on Spirit – an airline I chose because my flight from Boston to Fort Lauderdale cost $32.  Naturally, I didn’t select a seat – because when you’re paying $32 for a flight, you ain’t gonna pay $25 for a seat!  While en route to the airport, I tried to check in, but the airline’s app was down.  I got to the airport and went to the kiosk to check in.  It said I had to go to an agent.  I went to the agent, who told me I missed the 45-minute cutoff to check in.  That cutoff typically applies when you are checking luggage.  Having no luggage and with TSA PreCheck, I had plenty of time to get to the gate.  But they said since I didn’t have a seat, it was impossible to check in.  However, if I paid $25 for a seat, then they could override it.  Ah, the ol’ shakedown.  We went back and forth, until I finally took out my credit card.  “So, you are willing to pay the $25?” the agent asked.  “No, I’m willing for you to charge me.  I will then dispute the charge, complain to the airline, and share my story all over the Internet.”  And you know what happened next?  She miraculously checked me in for free and sent me on my way.  Impossible, my ass.

Last week, we also had an inordinate amount of romantic stories.  We have one more to add to that list.  Over Labor Day Weekend, two Evan Hansens tied the knot.  Ben Platt and Noah Galvin are now married.  It was a multi-day affair – interrupted briefly by Shabbat for members of Ben’s family who are observant Jews.  Coverage called the event “very gay” and “very Jewish”.  Ben said, “For our Shabbat rehearsal dinner, I wanted to be a bride so I wore a skirt”.  For the ceremony itself, both men wore white suits.  It even included a duet sung by the grooms’ mothers.  If they sang “Sunrise, Sunset”, it would have been both gay and Jewish!  We wish the couple many years of happiness.  No, really, I’m not being sarcastic.

A budding reporter sent in this week’s Ask Billy question.  Roger in NYC says, “I was walking down Madison Avenue and saw a group of hot shirtless guys.  Did you know they were filming a scene for Sex and the City?”

I know you won’t get your press card with that kinda journalism.  Roger, Roger, Roger – it was a scene for season three of And Just Like That… – the sequel to Sex and the City.  But I knew what you meant – just like I know the hot shirtless guys in question are employees of Mario Cantone’s character Anthony at his Hot Fellas bakery.  Did you happen to see any of the girls there?  Because they were in the scene – as shot by someone named Mickey Blank for her social media page.  Naturally, you can check out more than their buns on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re serving hot guys and carbs, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Last week, it was crab cakes and peach cobbler.  This week, it’s herbs and loaves.  Last week wins!  We had Cher 1987, and Miss Richfield 1981.  Well, I’m Billy Masters 1969.  And ‘69 ain’t just a year, as you’ll see on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s as limber as its owner.  If you’d like to find out for yourself, send your indecent proposals to me directly at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you once I get all of the sand out of my crevices.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

First there was Bigfoot.  Then, the Loch Ness Monster.  And now, a startling, unpredictable, almost other-worldly sighting – Wendy Williams in public!  On August 19^th, she was seen at Bolingo Balance, a Newark shop that sells herbal and holistic health aids!  The glamorous gabber was with her son, Kevin Jr., who explained to his mom what all the products were.  We’re told Williams knew where she was and could even walk unassisted.  The photo she took with owner Victor Bowman shows her in good spirits if not a good wig – as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

A sighting of Wendy Williams makes me think of Anna Nicole Smith.  Happily, her daughter Dannielynn was recently seen in a cosplay costume.  That means I had to look up what cosplay is.  It’s short for “costume play”, and it’s basically when people dress up as characters from anime and video games.  It started specifically with The Power Rangers, but now is a more widely-used term…none of which interests me in the slightest.  Larry Birkhead brought his daughter to Power Morphicon in Pasadena, where we are told the girl got to meet some of her favorite actors from Japanese live-action TV.  She was dressed as a few of her favorite Kamen Rider characters – Hino Eiji, Ankh, and a special version of Eiji being possessed by Ankh (I say as if I know what I’m talking about).

You’ll recall I recently took a road trip to Baltimore for the crab cakes (G&M and Olive Grove are my favorites).  Alas, I didn’t run into Kevin Spacey.  I guess he was busy since his Baltimore abode was foreclosed upon and sold at auction for $3.24 million.  It was snapped up by Sam Asgari, who is not the Iranian fitness model who married Britney Spears.  This is a Bethesda-based investor who does not have an “H” in his last name.  You know what else he doesn’t have?  Access to his house!  Reportedly, Spacey refuses to leave – not even for crab cakes!!  Making it even crazier, Asgari says, “He’s asking for six months to leave the property without paying anything.”  Spacey’s lawyers say, “The accusation by Mr. Asgari is false.”  But if Kevin is still there and not paying, what’s false?

With all the love in the air, you’d swear it was spring.  But here we are, a bit of a nip in the air, on the cusp of fall, and we have oodles of wedding news.  First up, our pal Billy Gilman tied the knot with his boyfriend, Anthony Carbone.  The ceremony took place on a 45-acre horse farm in Rhode Island – as all good gay weddings should.  Carbone said, “It was not about the pomp and the fuss of everything – but about what it all means to us.  I just really wanted to keep it simple, with the closest core of our family and friends who have watched our love story grow every single day.”  With over 120 in attendance, I can only assume my invitation got lost in the mail.

Then Rupert Everett made a shocking announcement – he got married earlier this year!  This is surprising since he previously called the institution of marriage, “not my idea of heaven” – which I suppose is better than it being his idea of hell.  Not surprisingly, he married longtime beau Henrique, who we hear is a Brazilian accountant.  A “friend” revealed, “Henrique is absolutely charming.  He’s rather quiet and happy to let Rupert take centre stage” – which begs the question, where can I find a Henrique of my own?  While details remain scarce, we’re told the low-key ceremony took place at London’s Camden Town Hall, followed by lunch at Ciao Bella – Dutch treat, I’m sure.  “I have always hated weddings, although I do love funerals,” Rupert quipped.  I do hope that wasn’t his toast!

Speaking of Rupert, the Ogunquit Playhouse will host the world premiere musical version of My Best Friend’s Wedding.  The songs all come from the Burt Bacharach–Hal David songbook, and the cast includes two of our favorites.  Tony-winner Matt Doyle plays Michael – the best friend in question.  Assuming the role of George (made famous by Mr. Everett), we have our own Telly Leung, who will undoubtedly deliver his special brand of sass.  The show runs September 26^th through October 27^th, and you can get tickets at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Not all marriages weather the storm.  It’s with that sentiment that Leah Remini and her husband Angelo announced they are splitting up.  This one saddens me, because I liked them as a couple.  Sure, we never know what people are like when the cameras aren’t rolling.  Leah acknowledges that in her statement about why the marriage didn’t last.  “To put it simply, we both changed, as people do, and we got used to playing roles that didn’t fit us anymore.”  Ain’t that something?  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it explained as honestly before.  Good luck to them both.

“My heart is broken that I’ve lost my mother this past weekend. 
Sadly, in a tragic turn of events, my sister lost her life on the same day.”   
– Mariah Carey notes the passing of her mother, singer Patricia. 
While it may be a tragic turn, Mimi does not say that the death of her estranged sister Alison
– who has been HIV-positive since 1990 – was particularly sad for her.

After spending so much time overseas, I ended my summer with back-to-back excursions to Provincetown.  Why didn’t I just stay there?  Give a fella a chance to catch his breath – and get more condoms!  During my first jaunt, I saw the terrific Thirsty Burlington in Cher 1987.  Like her previous show (Cher 1975), this is locked into a specific era of the diva’s career.  While Cher spent most of the ‘80s focusing on acting, 1987 marked her return to recording such hits as “I Found Someone”, “We All Sleep Alone”, and “Bang Bang” – all sung live by Thirsty.  What is Cher without spectacular gowns?  Earlier this summer, Bob Mackie gave Burlington his seal of approval, so that’s good enough for me.  Having this talented diva back where she belongs is a gift that keeps on giving.  She’s at The Crown and Anchor on Tuesdays through September 17^th.  Grab your tickets at OnlyAtTheCrown.com.

I then caught Jamie Morris and his talented troupe at the Post Office Café and Cabaret for The Devil Wears Payless.  I was curious how he’d turn this flick into an hour show.  Cleverly, he jettisoned several subplots and focused his abundant gifts on the moments we all wait for (he did similar work with Mommie Queerest).  Morris’ impersonation of Ms. Priestly is a jewel, and the rest of his players provide the perfect setting.  It’s a clever and triumphant evening of high camp in the best way possible.  It runs through October 6^th, at which point it will likely trickle down to some tragic dinner theatre in your locale.  Until then, get your tickets at PostOfficeCafe.net.

Later in the week, I returned to Provincetown to see John McDaniel and Liz Callaway – again at the Post Office Cabaret.  There aren’t enough superlatives in the world to describe Liz Callaway.  Strike that – she revealed that one critic called her the Marni Nixon of animation (look it up).  Quite simply, she is sublime.  If I were someone who believed in God, I’d say he kissed those golden vocal cords, which show no sign of stopping.  That she is as down to earth as anyone with her extraordinary talent only makes me love her more.  The show included a generous portion from her live, Grammy-nominated CD, To Steve With Love: Liz Callaway Celebrates Sondheim.  You can still buy it at all good (and not-so-good) retailers.  Credit McDaniel for bringing her to Ptown and collaborating on a delightful show filled with lots of fantastic medleys – and harmonies!  And there’s dish.  You do know about her filling in for Streisand, right?  There’s only so much she can say, but say it she does.  Thanks, Liz (and Johnny).

One could say I saved the best for last.  Certainly, it’s hard to top Miss Richfield 1981 – although scores of people have tried.  Her show, Phony Baloney, grapples with the AI crisis – and nobody is facing more of a crisis than Miss Richfield herself.  Armed solely with her Sharp cell phone (bought at Radio Shack, y’know), she’s had capacity audiences in stitches all summer at the Pilgrim House as she tries to tackle technology.  She’s assisted (and sometimes not assisted) by audience members who don’t know what they’re getting into.  That’s all for the best.  Her material is fresh, her mind is lightning fast, and her costumes…well, at least she’s got her mind and material.  Oh, she’s also got shows at the Pilgrim House until September 14^th.  Get your tickets at PilgrimHousePtown.com.

An intriguing Ask Billy question came in just under the wire.  Doug in Houston asks, “Who is Pavel Durov?  I just saw him on the news, and they showed some shirtless photos of him.  WOW!  I never heard of him before.”

That makes two of us.  Durov is the founder of VK and Telegram Messenger.  He’s been called “the Mark Zuckerberg of Russia” – which I don’t believe is completely complimentary.  He’s worth over $15 billion and claims to have fathered over a hundred children through sperm donation in twelve countries.  He’s from Russia, was raised in Italy, and currently lives in Dubai.  Actually, he currently lives in a French prison, because Doug’s e-mail referred to news that Pavel was arrested in Paris.  He’s accused of being complicit in a variety of crimes facilitated through Telegram, an app which is unmoderated.  That’s all well and good, but what about his hotness?  He’s certainly handsome, with great hair and arms – as is evidenced in his interview with Tucker Carlson (who never met a Russian he didn’t like).  Durov also favors wearing tight-fitting black shirts – when he wears a shirt, that is.  The shirtless photos of Pavel sporting a superhero body taken during a trip to Bali seem slightly “enhanced”.  And let’s not even discuss the Speedo.  For that, you’ll have to decide for yourself – on BillyMasters.com, naturally.

When a billionaire knows where his sperm is, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Did you know that this week, we are celebrating the 29^th anniversary of this weekly column?  Yes, week in, week out, I’m dishing the dirt – for close to 3 decades.  I guess that’s what separates me from a billionaire.  While they’re sending out sperm with a tracking device, I’m giving it away willy-nilly.  For more willys, you’ll have to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s available in more than 12 countries, that’s for sure.  Of course, if you’d like to help “distribute” bits of Billy, send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before my next road trip!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

While we’re talking sports – and this is a very weak segue – the family of Richard Simmons has revealed his cause of death.  Simmons’ brother Lenny released this statement: “The Coroner informed Lenny that Richard’s death was accidental due to complications from recent falls and heart disease as a contributing factor.  The toxicology report was negative other than medication Richard had been prescribed.”

Speaking of gay icons, Liza Minnelli has been the subject of numerous reports for years…even decades.  Her longtime friend, Michael Feinstein, has often been included in these reports – some of which claim Liza wanted to marry the openly gay (and married) musician, or that Feinstein was a Svengali virtually keeping Minnelli hostage.  Despite these stories, Michael has always remained silent – until now.  He took umbrage at a report from Rob Shuter – and gave numerous examples of his erroneous earlier reports, as well as firsthand accounts of his encounters with Shuter.  Rob’s current stories states that Liza’s “close friends” (whoever they are) are concerned that Feinstein is helping her write her autobiography.  They are allegedly worried it will be more about Feinstein than about Minnelli.  Michael says, “Liza asked me to help her with her book and I will do so, and it is only because it was her request that I became involved.  She sure doesn’t need me that’s true, but wanted me to help.  So I will.  She has amazing editors who will assure that it is her story, period.”  Feinstein continues, “The irony is, the reason she is even writing her book is so that her voice will be heard to finally and definitively speak about all the bullshit that people like Rob have been writing, so now she can tell her truth.  Go Liza!”

Who knew that political conventions are a hotbed of gay activity?  I suspected, but it seems to be true – if the Grindr algorithm is even slightly correct.  On the first night of the DNC, television coverage caught a guy on the hookup app in the audience.  And he wasn’t alone.  Thousands of Grindr users reported the site crashed throughout the week.  This activity was not limited to Democrats – just as many people complained about outages during the RNC.  I guess we have more in common than we thought.  One person posted the following: “The DNC might crash Grindr, too, but they will do it joyfully and without shame.”  Another said, “The only difference between this behavior and the same behavior at the RNC is that the dudes at the RNC are hiding the screen from their wives.”

I dunno where I’ve been – Europe, I suppose.  But Billy Porter and Joe Biden met at an event celebrating Juneteenth.  Fine.  What took me aback (and affront) was that when they met, Billy kissed Biden’s hand!  And there’s photographic proof!  I took it in a kinda Papal way – ‘cause I was in Italy most of the summer.  However, many people took it in a racial way – of a black man bowing to and kissing a white man’s hand!  That the black man had on some kinda caftan/dress is a whole other issue which I will leave to the theologians.  So The Hollywood Reporter asked Porter about the criticism.  “What they don’t know and what they didn’t see in the photos that they didn’t run was that I kissed the vice president’s hand too.  I kissed the second gentleman’s hand as well.”  Well, that doesn’t make it any clearer to moi.

“Here is a sentence I never thought I’d hear myself saying:
I’m Pete Buttigieg, and you may recognize me from FOX News”   
– Pete Buttigieg at the Democratic National Convention.

When did so-called legitimate businesses become run like vendors in a Turkish bazaar?  Last week, I tried to transport a car from Boston to Fort Lauderdale.  Invariably, I’d get a quote, accept it, and pay a deposit.  Then I’d be told that trucks in the area would charge three times the quote – take it or leave it.  I’ve previously shipped cars all over this country, but I have never encountered such deceptive tactics as this.  While I was in negotiations, my family celebrated the birthday of Big Mama Masters – a woman known for getting her way.  She once made a street vendor cry in Rome after talking him down from one hundred thousand lira to $2.50 – which isn’t quite the jump you’d think.  Inspired, I decided to simply drive the car to Florida myself.  My first stop was Baltimore – for crab cakes.  The next stop was Savannah – for peach cobbler.  By the time I got to Florida, I was 20 pounds heavier and had a trunk filled with cobbler and crabs – all for half the original quote.  Take that, you shifty vendors!

While I was in Savannah eating my weight in peach cobbler, JD Vance was trying to get somebody – anybody – to wait on him in a Valdosta, GA donut shop.  At this point, you should be laughing your head off at: a) the image of JD Vance in a donut shop, 2) the setting of Valdosta, GA, iii) that Vance has purposely asked the press to eliminate the periods after both J and D – which I would have done anyway, but still… (three extra periods here, just because).  His intrepid team sent him to a donut shop where the lady at the counter refused to be on camera!  Needless to say, this made ordering a challenge.  Then JD didn’t seem to know what he wanted.  “We’re gonna do two dozen.  Just a random sort of stuff here.  It’ll be a lot of glazed here, some sprinkled stuff…whatever makes sense.”  You know what makes sense?  Knowing what kinda donuts you like!  Watching the video (which is on BillyMasters.com), I pictured Trump downing a dozen donuts right then and there!  Never trust a guy who doesn’t like donuts.

Being an unofficial founder of Gay Days Anaheim, I take great pride in the annual event celebrating 26 years – and I’m even prouder that nobody carded me that first year.  The event takes place September 13-15 at Disneyland in Anaheim (hence the name – we were quite clever in the ‘90s).  The pinnacle of the weekend takes place in Disneyland itself on Saturday, September 14^th.  But I’d like to shine a spotlight on some of the other special events planned for the weekend.  Cheyenne Jackson is doing a show on Friday, September 13^th.  That same night, Michele Lee, Donna Mills and Joan Van Ark Ark will sit down for an intimate interview with author Eddie Shapiro.  On Saturday, September 14^th, dance the night away at the Kingdom party at the House of Blues with Kimberly S DJing.  And on Sunday, September 15^th, the Plunge! pool party hits the Anaheim Majestic Garden Hotel – which sounds very fancy to me.  Topping it all off (a term I use loosely), Varla Jean Merman does two performances of her acclaimed Errors Tour also on Sunday.  All of the events are listed on the official website of GayDaysAnaheim.com.

In an unfortunate segue, we have an Ask Billy question from Jerry in Los Angeles: “What do you think of the arrests made in the Matthew Perry case?”

I’m torn.  While I certainly don’t want to excuse anyone, it is true that addicts have a way of getting what they want.  In the case of Matthew Perry, he had plenty of money and opportunity.  Trust me – when someone of his stature says, “Shoot me up with a big one,” they’ll get it from someone.  And if one person says no, another will be happy to oblige – especially if money is no object.  Almost proving the point, we now know that one doctor had vials of ketamine that cost $12 and sold them to Perry for $2,000.  Adding insult to injury, the doctor texted another saying, “I wonder how much this moron will pay.”  While perhaps not a smoking gun, it certainly isn’t very nice.  Call me old-fashioned, but I expect better bedside manner from my doctors…and my drug dealers.

When drug dealers are more professional than doctors, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  We started with Tom Daley and Malibu Rum warning against drinking and diving.  And maybe he’s onto something.  Matthew Perry – in a hot tub.  Whitney Houston – in a tub.  And Natalie Wood – well, who really knows.  Since I’m en route to my sumptuous Fort Lauderdale Beach House, I’m staying away from all substances…and perhaps bodies of water.  Other types of bodies can be found on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s squeaky clean!  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before we find a photo of JD Vance dressed like Vivian!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

In a move that has surprised nobody, Hulu has picked up a sitcom being termed as the gay Golden Girls.  As we’ve previously reported, Mid-Century Modern is about three gay men of a certain age who move in together in Palm Springs – and one brings his mother.  The pilot was written by David Kohan and Max Mutchnick – creators of Will & Grace.  Four weeks after being written, the pilot was shot in front of a live studio audience, with the legendary James Burrows directing.  Less than two months later, Hulu picked up the show.  Nathan Lane is one roommate, with Linda Lavin playing his mother (think Dorothy and Sophia).  Matt Bomer is a Morman who is described as “pure of heart…also hard of body and soft of head.”  He’s Rose.  Nathan Lee Graham’s character is described as refined and dignified, so I guess he’s Dr. Smith – damn, there I go channel surfing again!

Those of you holding your breath for a Facts of Life reunion are probably out of luck.  According to sources, the cast got thisclose to getting back together…that is, until money started to be discussed (it should be noted that when Jimmy Kimmel hosted one of those live all-star episodes, Lisa Whelchel performed the theme song and was then joined by Kim Fields and Mindy Cohn to introduce the show).  During a chat with Jeff Lewis on SiriusXM, Cohn revealed that the cast members were contacted during the pandemic about doing a full-scale reunion for Norman Lear.  They were all interested, writers were hired, and then…kaboom!  “One of the girls went behind our backs and tried to make a separate deal for a spinoff just for herself and devastated the rest of us.”  She added, “A couple of people can’t move past it, don’t want to move past it.  We are not as united.  We were united for 40 years over not talking about each other, not doing dirty, not, you know, all for one, one for all.  And this kind of wrecked that, which is sad.  Really sad.”  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have…a mess!

Jordan Peele just announced that he’s reviving the hidden camera show Scare Tactics for the USA Network.  Some of you may know that when the show debuted in 2003, the host was Shannen Doherty (immortalized in a particularly funny MADtv sketch).  While I’m sure Peele’s version has been in the works for a while, the timing of the announcement is dubious, to say the least.  Still, I’m in favor of anything that keeps Shannen’s legacy alive.

New Zealand’s Robbie Manson and Australia’s Matthew Mitcham had a post-Olympic summit in Paris, which was immortalized by some photos.  Mitcham was the first to post, “Did someone say collab?  *OF* course!!” – a sly reference to both lads having OnlyFans pages.  Manson later posted, “It was great to catch up with @matthewmitcham again and do a cheeky collab.”  Mitcham responded, “Do you want to see the other shots from the series?”  I assume the best is yet to come, but what there is can be found on BillyMasters.com.

Last week, Tom Daley announced that this would not only be his last competitive appearance in an Olympic Games (it is his fifth), but he was also hanging up the ol’ Speedos.  “It’s hard to talk about.  It’s very hard to talk about.  But you have to hang it up sometime.  I’m very proud.”  He’s particularly proud to have shared the experience with his family.  In fact, it was his son Robbie who inspired him to compete this time around.  Robbie, who is 6, said, “I want to see you dive at the Olympics.”  Ask and you shall receive.  And with a silver medal, to boot!

Daley did leave us with an important message.  In a new public service announcement, he’s walking poolside wearing a robe and carrying a cocktail, as one does.  He drops the robe to reveal he’s wearing a red crocheted Speedo (his own design – he’s a whiz with a needle).  He mounts the board – I think that’s the correct verb – and we see a message at the bottom of the pool: “1 in 4 UK drowning involve alcohol.”  On his bum is the message of the video: “Don’t Drink and Dive”.  Sponsored by Malibu Rum UK, naturally.  While there was merchandise for sale, don’t bother looking – everything’s sold out.

One of the first things I did when I returned to the States was zip up to Maine to see the Ogunquit Playhouse production of A Little Night Music.  The Sondheim classic plays until August 17^th, and is well worth the trip.  Truly, this lovely production is quite magical, with fluid and unfussy direction by Hunter Foster.  The cast is uniformly talented.  And proving there are no small roles, I’m going to start by singling out Mike Schwitter.  He made a particularly strong impression as Frid.  As to the leads, Julia Murney is truly Broadway’s MVP.  In addition to being a dynamic singer, she is a fine actress who never makes a false move.  Her eyes are extraordinary – always a gateway to her soul.  As her love interest, Mike McGowan oozes sexual energy.  He’s dashing, with a splash of danger in his gait.  They make a smashing couple.  Kathleen Turner presents a mixed bag.  This being her first foray into musical theatre, I admire the hard work she has put in and level of commitment (I should mention that I did hear her sing a little ditty as Camille at the Long Wharf Theatre back in 1986).  Obviously she’s a fine actress.  But I was never unaware that she was playing a part – which, I suppose, Madame Armfeldt always is.  Her singing is better than expected (or reported during previews).  She acquits herself quite well in the tongue-twister of “Liaisons”.  Make no mistake – she has presence and that indefinable star quality.  And she lands most of her laughs.  That said, I feel it’s more a work in progress rather than a fully realized portrayal.  All in all, I highly recommend seeing the show if you have a chance.  While you can catch some choice footage from the show on our website, you could and should snag one of the few remaining tickets at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

In a quick Ask Billy question, Henry from Dallas asks, “What happened to Zac Efron at that pool in Ibiza?”

While at a private villa in Ibiza, Efron had a “minor swimming incident”.  Reportedly, he dove into a pool and hit the bottom with his chest, forcing him to ingest some water.  Security noted he was in distress, pulled him out of the water, and got him to a local hospital.  X-rays confirmed he was OK, and he was released within hours.  He later posted a photo working out shirtless on the deck (as one does), which we’ll share on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re worried about Zac Efron, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  You know who you should be worried about?  Poor Tom Cruise – risking life and limb at the Olympics, thisclose to collecting Social Security.  While I look into this, you can look into www.BillyMasters.com – the site that refuses to condone elder abuse.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before Kathleen is cast in a revival of Gypsy – wouldn’t she make a great Mazeppa?  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I’ve never had so much sports news in one column.  Even Kamala Harris’ choice for vice president has an athletic slant – although I don’t know firsthand which way it slants.  Sure, I knew Tim Walz was a high school teacher.  He not only taught social studies, he was also the coach for the football team.  But what I didn’t know is that while he was coaching the football team, he was also the faculty advisor to the Gay-Straight Alliance.  In fact, the students voted him Most Inspiring Faculty Member.  That’s my kinda veep.

Does anyone out there think Walz looks familiar?  More than a few have noted a resemblance to Steve Martin – so much so that Lorne Michaels has asked him to play Walz on Saturday Night Live.  Alas, Martin turned down the offer.  He told Lorne, “I’m not an impressionist.  You need someone who can really nail the guy.”  Steve felt he was only chosen because he has gray hair and glasses.  In that case, I think Larry David has some time on his hands.

You may know that Billy Bean came out way back in 1999 – only the second Major League Baseball player to do so.  Even after he retired from playing pro ball, he returned to the sport as the MLB’s first Ambassador for Inclusion in 2014.  Later, he became the league’s Senior Vice President for Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.  He was truly a leader in our community, and for me, a dear personal friend.  Last year, Billy was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.  He passed away on August 6^th.  He was one of the good guys and will be missed.

“I get more than double what I would be on otherwise as an athlete –
read into that what you will, but I am making more
from OnlyFans than I am from rowing at this stage.”   
– New Zealand rower Robbie Manson explains how he supports himself.  You know what they say –
support can be beautiful.  And you can see how beautiful on BillyMasters.com.

No time for chit-chat.  I’m ravenous, I’ve got jet lag, I’m watching the Closing Ceremonies, and somehow I’ve also scheduled a tryst with two insignificant others in about 20 minutes (give or take).  I don’t know if I’m coming or going…that’s what they said!

Let’s start with the Olympics.  I’m going to wade into choppy waters – although slightly cleaner than the Seine – and talk about gender.  I don’t believe athletes are separated because someone has a penis or a clitoris – or, in the case of some unfortunate countries, neither.  I believe they are separated because the abilities of one sex often outperform the other.  In that gymnastics event – you know, the one with a hoop and a stick with a string tied to it – women tend to do better.  In weightlifting, men have the advantage – except in rural Poland, where it’s often a draw.  Of course, the ancient Greeks didn’t even let women compete.  That’s because most events were held in the nude and, well…I don’t think the men wanted women around to ruin a good time.  But perhaps we’re getting to the point where everyone should compete together and let the chips fall where they may.  Of course, these views may be the very reason I was denied press credentials to the locker room of the men’s water polo team.

The gender issue came up several times during the Olympics, but was front and center in women’s boxing.  Italy’s Angela Carini abandoned a match with Algeria’s Imane Khelif midway for fear of her life.  Turns out, Khelif had been disqualified from the Women’s World Championships by the International Boxing Association in 2023.  Why?  The IBA claims that Khelif “failed to meet the eligibility criteria for participating in the women’s competition”.  This started rumors that Khelif is not a genetic female – although there is no evidence to support those allegations.  To avoid these sticky situations, you’d think that the International Olympic Committee would initiate gender testing – which it did until 1999.  IOC spokesperson Mark Adams told the press, “If we can find a consensus, and we will work towards consensus, we will certainly work to apply that clearly.  That’s not going to happen at these games.  But this is a question in all sports.  And I think we are open to listening to anyone with a solution to that question…The question you have to ask yourself is, ‘Are these athletes women?’  The answer is, ‘yes’, according to eligibility, according to their passports, according to their history.  If we start acting on every issue, every allegation that comes up, then we start having the kind of witch hunts that we’re having now.”

It should be noted that Khelif was ultimately victorious and won the women’s welterweight gold medal after defeating China’s Yang Liu in the 145-pound division.  While not germane to this story, that is my goal weight.

Not every Olympic headline is about a winner.  Take Campbell Harrison, an Australian rock climber.  He finished 19^th in the qualifying round, which meant he would not advance to the semifinals.  As he left the court (or whatever they call the boulders that rock climbers climb), he walked over to kiss his boyfriend Justin on the lips – a moment captured by the paparazzi.  The boulder might have gotten the better of him, but he’s still a winner in our book.

Nobody made more of a splash than Anthony Ammirati – the pole vaulter whose pole got more attention than his vault!  Hot off his disqualifying leap into history, he got an offer from the owner of CamSoda.  “As a lover of crotch-centric activities, I’d love to offer you up to $250,000 in exchange for a 60-minute webcam show, in which you show off your goods, minus the crossbar, of course.”  I’m troubled by “up to”.  Either make an offer or don’t.

If I may offer some unsolicited advice, I think that Ammirati might do better on his own – as proven by Matthew Mitcham.  The gold-medal diver from Australia claims to have done quite well with his OnlyFans page.  And he’s pretty candid that it’s been a smart financial move.  “I’ve invested a lot of time and effort in my body.  If people want to see it, I’d be stupid to give it away for free.”  See?  That’s where I made my mistake – I’ve always given it away for free!  But I also have loads (and I do mean loads) of Mitcham available for you on BillyMasters.com.

By the by, Mitcham has also weighed in on the trans issue.  In a video where he’s wearing a “Trans Dudes” T-shirt, he said, “Apparently we live in a world now where transphobic bullying has gotten so bad that it now extends to women who people deem to be too strong and muscly…at the Olympics of all places.  Like the Algerian boxer Imane Khelif has been bullied so mercilessly that it’s forced her own father to publicly release her birth certificate to prove that she was assigned female at birth.  That’s shocking.  Y’all need Jesus, honestly.”

When we’re worried about Zac Efron, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  You know who you should be worried about?  Poor Tom Cruise – risking life and limb at the Olympics, thisclose to collecting Social Security.  While I look into this, you can look into www.BillyMasters.com – the site that refuses to condone elder abuse.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before Kathleen is cast in a revival of Gypsy – wouldn’t she make a great Mazeppa?  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Cameron Mathison will soon be out on the open market.  “After 22 years of marriage, we have made the difficult decision to part ways,” Cam says in a joint message with wife Vanessa.  The shocking part to me is that they’ve been married for 22 years.  “We enter this new chapter with deep love, kindness, and respect for each other.”  They have a 21-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter.  One thing I think we can all agree upon is that Cameron has the furthest thing from a “dad bod” – unless your dad is…well, Cameron Mathison!

Which is a perfect segue into our Ask Billy question.  Steven in Colorado writes, “I just saw some hot photos of Tom Cruise on a beach somewhere.  What is he up to?”

Talk about a dad bod – although I’m loath to use that term until I see some proof of genetic testing.  The 61-year-old Cruise showed up shirtless on the beach of Pollensa on the island of Mallorca.  Given his diminutive stature, his proportions always looks curious in candid shots – versus his larger-than-life perfect presence on screen.  As to what he’s up to, rumor is he’ll turn up at the Closing Ceremonies of the Olympic Games.  This isn’t a big surprise, since he’s gone to a number of events.  But given that the 2028 Summer Olympics will take place in Los Angeles, the organizers are looking for a major star to tie it all together.  We’re told Cruise may drop in – literally.

When we’ve got a hankering for a baguette with some juicy Polish sausage, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  As we went to press, Zac Efron was rushed to the hospital after a “minor swimming incident” at an Ibiza pool.  I once had an incident at a pool in Ibiza.  I don’t know how minor it was – I didn’t check everyone’s IDs!  And, once again, I was sure I saw a sign that said clothing optional.  On the positive side, it did lead to a memorable weekend with the Spanish water polo team.  Some of them still write!  For other athletic adventures, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that keeps lots of balls in the air.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before my next trip abroad.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

With the presidential race heating up, Saturday Night Live has come up with an inspired way to recreate the ratings gold that greeted Tina Fey’s portrayal of Sarah Palin.  Lorne Michaels has secured the services of Maya Rudolph through the rest of the year.  Obviously, she’ll be playing Kamala Harris – although I suspect, in a pinch, she could also play Usha Chilukuri – AKA Mrs. J.D. Vance!

Since we’ve still got a month left of the summer, I’m trying to squeeze in some time on Cape Cod.  While I have friends in Ptown to see (Miss Richfield 1981 at the Pilgrim House and Thirsty Burlington at the Crown and Anchor to name but two), I may make a pit stop.  One rarely talks of Payomet, and that truly saddens me.  The Payomet Performing Arts Center is located in Truro – which is kinda Ptown-adjacent.  Every once in a while, Payomet gets a big-name performer – I believe Mickey Dolenz once headlined a show.  Little Stevie Van Zandt also appeared there – sans Bruce and the gang.  This year, a handful of performers caught my eye.  Taylor Mac performs on August 9^th, Paula Poundstone on August 10^th, Rosanne Cash on August 12^th and 13^th, Judy Collins on August 19^th, and the legendary Mavis Staples hits the stage August 29^th.  With Ptown being so close, Payomet occasionally rents out Provincetown Hall and calls it Payomet Road Shows.  John Waters did an evening at Town Hall under the Payomet banner.  And over Labor Day weekend, there will be someone that will appeal to my audience.  The hunky and hilarious Matteo Lane will hit Town Hall on Friday and Saturday, August 30 and 31.  This is a rare opportunity to see a funny gay man in his natural habitat (my performances at the Dick Dock don’t count).  Grab your tickets at Payomet.org.  You don’t need a ticket to grab moi.  The line forms…well, wherever you’d like.

I also need to see Jamie Morris’ latest hit, The Devil Wears Payless, at the Post Office Café and Cabaret.  The timing is fortuitous, because Disney has fast-tracked a sequel script to The Devil Wears Prada.  They’re even in talks with director David Frankel to return.  But what about the stars?  A source close to Meryl Streep told me that it would be unlikely she’d want to reprise the role, which she felt was perfect the first time around.  And Anne Hathaway previously said she didn’t think there could be a sequel.  “I just think that the movie was in a different era.  Now everything’s gone so digital and that movie is centered around the concept of producing a physical thing and it’s just…it’s just different.”  But if they come up with a good premise, who knows?   I reserve the right to remain skeptical about all of this until Disney actually makes Sister Act 3.

Forget everything you’ve ever heard about the French.  Those Olympians sure know how to make you feel welcomed.  On the eve of the Games, three-meter French synchro divers Jules Bouyer and Alexis Jandard posted a shot of them standing in the shower in their Speedos with the caption “Welcome to @Paris2024”.  It got millions of hits in a matter of seconds – I think primarily due to Bouyer’s fully-packed package.  Then again, Alexis did become something of a social media sensation back in April at the opening of the Olympic Aquatic Center.  With the world watching, he put on a less-than-stellar display of his talents when he had a major mishap on the diving board.  Shrugging it off, Alexis boldly posted the video online with the caption, “How to Perfectly Mess Up Your Dive”.  To me, he’s already a winner!  Catch him in all of his glory on BillyMasters.com.

As to his partner, Jules Bouyer created quite a stir during the Games while sporting a swimsuit that appeared see-through.  But, like Alexis, he took it all in stride.  “It was rather fun.  I prefer people to look at my dives rather than my briefs, but there’s nothing to worry about.”  Trust me, I wasn’t worried.  I know all about shrinkage.

The divers were trumped by Anthony Ammirati, France’s best chance at grabbing the gold in pole vaulting.  Sadly, his pole got in the way of a clean vault, but whetted the appetite of eagle-eyed viewers around the world who were hungry for more.  While the video has been scrubbed from most sites, you can still grab it on BillyMasters.com.

The Games kicked off with controversy when the opening ceremony seemed to mock the Last Supper with drag queens.  You’ll note that it was mostly conservative Americans who complained.  That’s because most people in other parts of the world know a thing or two about history and culture.  Plus, you don’t need to be a Rhodes Scholar to know only 13 people were at the Last Supper!  The Olympics were actually paying tribute to the gods on Mount Olympus, immortalized in numerous works of art, including Jan van Bijlert’s The Feast of the Gods.  At the center was Dionysus, the father of Sequana – Goddess of the River Seine.  And where did this “tableaux vivant” take place?  Oh, on the banks of the River Seine, naturellement.

“I’m only trying to make it to vote for Kamala Harris.”   
– Jimmy Carter explains what makes him want to hang on until after his 100^th birthday on October 1^st. 
I smell grounds for a voter fraud investigation.

By the time you read this, I’ll be back from my month abroad.  I’m limited from recounting details of my frolicking due to an iron-clad NDA.  But I can reveal that the bulk of my time was spent with a limber lad from Slovenia with ties to the US – but I can’t say more.  Well, I could mention that not only are they quite fetching in Slovenia, but guys and gals in that locale can be had for the price of a ripe cantaloupe!  Alas, it’s a tragic story right out of a Bel Ami video – this boy was born without a vowel!  When he introduced himself, I was sure he was coughing up a hairball!  And to think I used to make fun of Steve Kmetko – at least he has two vowels!  This child couldn’t even ask Vanna to buy one.  Still, there’s more to life than vowels, as I learned in several languages.

I am proud – almost giddy – to admit I have never watched an episode of Big Brother.  And, no, I don’t believe Celebrity Big Brother counts.  But I do have friends who not only watch, but have photos of each contestant and handicap alliances as if they were OTB.  When I heard there was a hot guy that got gay tongues wagging…well, what kind of big dog would I be not to follow?  Then I found out the hunk hails from Boston.  Oh, sure, Tucker Des Lauriers now lives in Brooklyn, but he’s a Boston boy – and was raised by a gay father!  In fact, he was discovered at 15 when he caught the attention of Bruce Weber during a family vacation in Provincetown.  Take that all in.  He goes out of his way to defend Weber, saying he’s been “nothing but professional and helpful.”  Tucker is now 30 years old, has a 30-inch waist, and a 33-inch inseam.  Well, now you’ve got me interested – and we’ve got some photographic proof on BillyMasters.com to back it up.  And, trust me – this is worth backing up on.  He was recently asked about his most vocal group of fans.  “Definitely gay men, for sure.  And I just think that they’re naturally more aggressive too, so yeah.  Definitely a lot more aggressive.”  Enough said.

This leads into one of my favorite Ask Billy question in weeks.  Henry in New York writes, “This may seem like a silly question, but what do you know about Kirill in the Car Shield commercials?  He’s so freaking hot.”

Henry, there are no silly questions.  Sure, Kirill may be dumb as a stump (or however you say it in Russian), but you give me a hot guy who knows the exchange rate between US Dollars and Russian Rubles, and I’m all in…literally.  I texted Vivica – ‘cause that’s what I do – but she doesn’t recall ever meeting Kirill.  So I was on my own.  I did some digging and came up with a shocking discovery – Kirill might not actually exist!  In the TV commercial, he’s billed as “Kirill C.” – an actual Car Shield customer for 7 years who has saved over $9K.  But in a longer online version of his testimonial, he is called “Kirill K”.  And in the description, he’s referred to as “Kirill P”.  Even allowing for shoddy translation from Cyrillic letters, I’m wondering if he might be some kinda bot.  I’m also not entirely convinced I wouldn’t be willing to accept whatever virus he’s peddling.

When there’s a Russian bot I can get behind, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  This begs the question – where are the US bot makers with people like Chad, Lance and Chip?  We’re falling behind and mark my words, the next war will be waged by AI incarnations.  And, frankly, I believe Kirill could whip Lance’s butt – and I bet Lance would enjoy it.  If that footage leaks, you’ll find it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s inciting artificial wars because I’m bored with real people.  If you think you could pique my interest, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and make an indecent proposal.  Heck, even a decent one would be nice.  Either way, I’ll get back to you before JoJo Siwa gives birth to a McNugget!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Last year, the big bio book was Barbra’s.  This year, Cher will be hitting the shelves.  Strike that – this year and next year.  Rather than release one giant book like Babs, Cher is breaking up her story.  HarperCollins just announced that Cher: The Memoir, Part One will be released on November 19^th.  This volume will cover the early days up through her divorce from Sonny Bono – which she describes as “the highly complicated relationship that made them world-famous, but eventually drove them apart.”  Part Two is slated to come out late next year.

One of my favorite venues to see live theatre is the historic Pasadena Playhouse.  They’ve just announced a revival of the musical La Cage aux Folles (fun fact – I believe I’ve had relations with more “Cagelles” than Jerry Herman and Harvey Fierstein combined).  Heading the cast is Cheyenne Jackson, who was sitting with Kamala during her Drag Race appearance.  Jackson has been doing some interesting and challenging work over the past few years.  Having him take on the role of Georges is quite tantalizing indeed – it also puts him in the category of a DILF, which I heartily approve.  His Albin will be Kevin Cahoon, most recently having starred in Broadway’s Shucked.  La Cage will run November 12 through December 15, and you can get more info and tix at PasadenaPlayhouse.org.

Should you need even more Cheyenne, he’ll be performing his new solo show Signs of Life during Gay Days Anaheim on September 13 – tickets can be had at GayDaysAnaheimInfo.com.  And if you’re on the East Coast, you can see him at 54 Below in NYC September 23-29 – dates and times can be found at 54Below.org.

In some late-breaking news, seems that the Broadway production of Cabaret will be going through some cast changes.  Eddie Redmayne will be leaving the show on September 14^th.  Taking his place will be our own Adam Lambert, who will be making his Broadway debut (although he was part of the Wicked national tour, and the Val Kilmer musical version of The Ten Commandments which played Los Angeles back in 2004).  Joining Lambert will be Auli’i Cravalho, who will replace Gayle Rankin as Sally Bowles.

I’m rarely wrong, but have no problem admitting when I am.  I openly questioned if Oh, Mary! – Cole Escola’s major off-Broadway hit – would be able to transfer to a big Broadway house this summer.  It should be noted I mused this situation having not seen the show, which was such a hot ticket that even I could not snag one.  I am nonetheless beyond delighted to say that the Broadway transfer has not only been a hit, it’s breaking box office records.  And I still haven’t seen it.  I will likely be able to rectify that situation since it has extended its limited run.  The show will now close no earlier than November 10^th.  And something tells me it could be around beyond that.

“Trump wouldn’t give an inch – just ask Stormy Daniels!”   
– Joy Behar’s quip on how one former president is responding to another one stepping aside. 
Well, some people don’t have an inch to spare.  And some of us…well, our inches runneth over.

JoJo Siwa announced plans to become a mother – and not just any mother.  “Because I’m gay and I have to plan a pregnancy much different than a straight person, I actually want to take three eggs, fertilize three eggs, and have three surrogates.  So technically, they’ll all be the same batch but they would all be born separately.”  I’m not sure exactly where she lost me – perhaps it was the word “batch”.  And if I had a problem with that word, just wait and hear what she says next.  “Those are my nuggets, and no one comes before my nuggets.”  It’s like she’s ordering babies at a McDonald’s Drive Thru!  “I’m gonna have my surrogates, my babies, then maybe their birthdays will land on different days, and they can be like triplets, but like, not.  Just so you know, there are three children – their names are Freddie, Eddie and Teddie.  I will have as many more as you want, however many more.”  I’m not exactly sure if she’s planning on having kids or buying ducks!

Most of us got to know JoJo from her appearance on Dancing with the Stars – a show that uses the term “star” loosely.  For years, I’ve heard rumors of shenanigans happening behind the scenes.  Apparently, the parent show (the UK hit Strictly Come Dancing) has been rocked with a number of verifiable incidents of bad behaviour behind the scenes – from pros kicking contestants to some unwarranted incidents of the #MeToo persuasion.  As a result, that show is making a number of changes – including having chaperones at all rehearsals.  Is this a network program or a grammar school field trip?  Do the contestants need to have their parents sign a permission slip, or would a well-worded NDA suffice?  People in a position to know say these precautions may also be implemented throughout the international incarnations of the show.  To be continued, I’m sure…

Despite not getting an Emmy nod, the reboot of Frasier is returning for season two on Paramount+ with some familiar faces and places.  We hear that Frasier will return to Seattle and his old radio station KACL.  That episode will feature Dan Butler, Edward Hibbert, and the devilishly divine Harriet Sansom Harris as Frasier’s old agent Bebe.  No word if either David Hyde Pierce or Jane Leeves will turn up – which one would expect since it’s been made clear that Niles and Daphne still live in Seattle.  The new season commences on September 19^th.

And this leads perfectly into our Ask Billy question.  Victor in Dallas writes, “I hear Kim Cattrall is going to return to And Just Like That….  Any truth to the rumor?  Will it be another phone cameo like last season?”

I’ve heard the same rumors – but with a twist.  Response to her cameo last season was so positive, the powers-that-be are willing to do whatever they can to get her back.  I’m told that negotiations are ongoing for an actual storyline.  Cattrall, who previously was adamant about not appearing, seems to have warmed to the idea…with a few stipulations.  She wants all of her scenes filmed in England.  She’d like Samantha to have a storyline of her own.  She wants to be paid plenty (she got $1 million for last season’s two-minute scene – and she got to keep the clothes).  And she would prefer not to appear with any of the other three ladies.  What does that mean?  Stay tuned…

When actors can make half a mil a minute, it’s time for me to consider changing professions and end yet another column.  And I thought Stormy Daniels had a good payday!  I’m getting a bit hot under the collar – but that could be because it’s been around 100 degrees every day during this trip.  My God, it feels as if they’ve already started the cremation process.  While I try to cool off, you can check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s always steamy.  If you have a question for me, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before J.D. Vance changes his name…again!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Since everyone here in Europe has Olympic fever, I’m going to shine a spotlight on an athlete who, alas, will not be competing.  Trey Cunningham is a strapping 25-year-old hurdler who also happens to be a Ford Model.  What’s not to love?  Shortly after not making the cut for Team USA, he made a revelation.  “I’m just Trey, and apparently it’s a special thing that I like to kiss guys.”  Apparently kissing guys was not something he explored back in his hometown in rural Alabama – which he described as “the sort of place where you did not want to be the gay kid at school”.