Our Ask Billy comes from Ryan in Maine.  “I heard that some guy claims Justin Bieber has a huge cock.  What do you think?”

This story got started by a personal trainer named Rick Morrison. While he admits to having never worked with the Biebs, that hasn’t stopped him from expressing an opinion (who does he think he is?  Me?).  He claims to have seen the pop star coming out of the shower wearing a towel.  Later, while walking through the locker room, he spied the Canadian “butt ass naked.  I mean, junk hanging out and everything.”  Obviously this could be an awkward moment which requires, perhaps, an apology.  Rick simply said, “Shit, Bieber, you just made me so insecure” – which tells us more about Rick than about Justin!  When people online questioned the veracity of this report based on the flaccid photos we’ve all seen, Morrison said, “I’ve seen plenty of naked celebs in the locker room before.  Shawn Mendes, Adam Levine…but no one was ever that damn blessed.”  May I ask the location of this gym where one sees naked male celebs walking to and fro?  Regardless, here’s one rule I live by – unless you’ve seen someone’s penis erect, you have no idea what they’re working with.  I have not seen Bieber’s penis erect.  Soft, I can say with the utmost certainty that it’s nothing to write home about – if you’re given to writing prose about a penis.  Should you be interested in checking out his flaccid phallus, we’ll oblige on BillyMasters.com.

With all this talk about penii, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  Finally – some of the old normalcy is back!  Now, when will I get back to sleeping with fans?  The only way to know for sure is to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site where we’re offering special subscriptions to aid and abet you (until I can abed you).  Don’t forget, we’ve got those TV shows every Tuesday and Thursday at 3PM Eastern.  If you have a question or a guest you’d like to see, e-mail me at Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I give you a video tour of my “basement”!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

We are all doing what we can to entertain the masses.  Even I, your beloved Billy, am doing twice-weekly LIVE telecasts from one of my many humble abodes.  Tuesdays and Thursdays at 3PM Eastern, I can be found on YouTube, Facebook, and even BillyMasters.com under “TV”.  We’ve had some fascinating revelations from various luminaries – the anecdotes of Charles Busch and Steve Kmetko are required viewing.  All free, all live, and all archived.  Coming up this Tuesday, April 7^th, Bruce Vilanch and Andrea Martin will regale us.

Someone recently asked about the writing of this column in these crazy times.  “Is there still any celebrity gossip going on?”  The answer is a resounding YES!  Although, I suppose it depends on how you define “celebrity”.  Take Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and Taylor Swift – please, take them all!  I realize they’re big stars, but…YAWN!  Remember all that chatter about Kanye dissing Swifty in his song “Famous” a few years back?  At the time, he swore he ran it by her to make sure she wasn’t offended.  Kim even released a brief snippet of the phone call to prove that the conversation actually took place.  When Kanye was chastised, Taylor didn’t back him up because…well, you all know how I feel about her (not that I think he’s any prize).  I never weighed in on the scandal because, frankly, I couldn’t care less.  But now we have more of the phone call, and it’s kinda fabulous because Kanye was telling the truth.  Not only that, but it proves to me that Taylor is…well, you all know how I feel about her.  I’m posting it on BillyMasters.com and you can hear it for yourself – from the horse’s mouth..

In these unsettling times, there are few things I am sure of.  But, if there is one thing I can say with absolute certainty, it’s that Patti LuPone is insane.  This is not new information to any LuPone devotee.  But we now have video proof that could send her away for a long, long time.  Her descent into madness coincided with the pandemic we are currently living through.  People are looking for all sorts of ways to while away the hours, and Patti is no different.  She decided to go on a social media blitz and give people a tour of her basement.  This is no regular basement.  There is a full-sized pinball machine, a jukebox, scores of photo albums, and assorted theatrical souvenirs.  These took up three videos.  However, we’re focusing on the fourth.  In that one, she wanders down the stairs in full Norma Desmond regalia – oh yes, complete with turban and sunglasses.  “You there.  Why are you so LATE?!” she asks in her distinctive clipped cadence.  As she sings “With One Look”, she wafts over to a slot machine – oh, did I mention she’s got a slot machine?  Just check it out…on our website, naturally.

If you believe in conspiracy theories, you would have to wonder if Kathy Griffin’s sudden ailment was a plot.  While struggling to claw her way back after the Trump fatwa, Griffin was unlucky enough to be ill with all of the corona symptoms.  First they came and went.  Then they came and stayed – and intensified.  Kathy and husband Randy self-quarantined and consulted with a doctor via phone.  He advised she go to urgent care.  They sent her to the ER at Cedars-Sinai.  Once there, they evaluated her and sent her to the Covid-19 area.  Although the doctor wanted to test her (and Randy) for the coronavirus, it wasn’t possible.  Why?  Because her chest x-ray was clear, although a CT scan showed an infection.  She had two options – get admitted to the hospital, or go home and self-isolate.  She took the latter option.  She went public primarily to show that there are not enough tests.

Could someone please look into how Prince Charles got the coronavirus?  I’m not pointing fingers, but let’s break it down.  Say Prince Charles dies (God forbid).  And then that old woman dies.  What happens?  William becomes King.  And who becomes Queen?  Kate.

We now have our first official celebrity death.  Playwright Terrence McNally wasn’t someone who craved the spotlight.  But he has the dubious distinction of being the face of the coronavirus.  The analogy to Rock Hudson being the face of AIDS is not exactly ideal.  McNally was not closeted, not a heartthrob, and pretty much lived his life openly (with the possible exception of his alcoholism, which Angela Lansbury called him on and helped him deal with).  He was a lovely, intelligent, thoughtful man.  He had a variety of ailments over the past several years, and Covid-19 was simply the straw that broke this giant’s back.  In all the tributes which have been pouring in, nobody seems to have a bad thing to say about Terrence.  We knew each other and had loads in common.  But, for whatever reason, sadly, we never really “clicked”.  Nonetheless, my feelings for him as an artist and as a person are boundless, and I send his husband Tom my warmest wishes during this difficult time.  He is now at peace – at last.

Legendary NYC drag queen Mona Foot is also a casualty of the coronavirus.  The news was announced by designer Geoffrey Mac, who just won Project Runway.  Foot, also known as Nashom Wooden, was one of those larger-than-life characters who drew people in and nurtured them.  As Mona, he hosted a weekly contest called Mona Foot’s Star Search at Barracuda in NYC – a show which many feel inspired RuPaul’s Drag Race.  An apt comparison, especially since it was Ru who taught Mona how to apply makeup when they were both appearing in the off-Broadway play, My Pet Homo.  When we can go to the theatre again, let’s hope someone mounts a revival of that!

Since this crisis began, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time watching “the bitch in scarves” – and you all know who I mean.  She’s that chick who looks like Michael Learned wearing a different scarf at each of Trump’s press conferences.  Occasionally she adds a broach.  So, I decided to find out who she is.  Her name is Dr. Deborah Birx, and several outlets claim that her maternal fashion choices are comforting us.  I dunno about you, but Big Mama Masters rarely rocked a scarf – and never a broach!  Digging into her background more, The Guardian of London says, “She’s a legend in the fight against HIV.  Now Dr. Deborah Birx is taking on Covid-19”.  Turns out Dr. Birx was an army physician in the ‘80s when people started dying of what would eventually be called HIV.  After losing a growing number of patients, she dedicated herself to stopping the virus.  President Obama named her US Global AIDS Coordinator.  She is currently the White House Coronavirus Response Coordinator.  I dunno about you, but that actually does give me comfort – a helluva lot more than those damn scarves.  When they make the inevitable movie about these harrowing days, I am sure Meryl Streep will play Dr. Birx.  Perhaps Dr. Fauci could be played by Peter Dinklage.

Welcome to the new normal.  Everyone is staying home, and Billy’s in a sling 24/7 – it’s a world gone MAD!  To top it off, many people aren’t staying home and, well, I’m kinda getting used to this sling.  More people are dying every day, others are testing positive, while others either can’t or are afraid to take the test.  You know what this sounds like?  The 1980s!  Well, except for the part about me being in a sling…I guess I just needed to ease into it.  Is it just me, or does it seem completely unfair to go through two plagues in one lifetime?

Let’s put this into some historical context.  When the AIDS crisis first hit, nobody knew anything: how you got it, how it was transmitted, how to prevent getting it, how to cure it, etc.  In short, the same questions everyone has now.  Back then, doctors gave us their best guesses, and people either took their advice or didn’t.  But the one thing I remember vividly is that if you were fat, the presumption was that you were healthy.  And even this has a historical precedent.  During the Renaissance, the wealthy were always painted as being large and rotund.  Why?  Because if you were fat, you clearly had enough money to buy food!  So when this whole coronavirus is over and some of us look a bit chunky in our Speedos, it simply means that we were safe (and, in my case, eating my weight in peppermint bark every day).  And there’s your silver lining.

Not all local government officials are created equally.  Take Andrew Gillum.  Just before the pandemic hit the US, Gillum (a Democrat who almost became Florida’s first black governor) was caught in a South Beach hotel room with another guy.  Making matters worse, the other guy was allegedly ODing on crystal meth.  At some point, a third man arrived, found Gillum vomiting in the bathroom, and his companion unresponsive in bed.  He called 911 and began chest compressions (presumably on the unresponsive guy).  When the cops and paramedics arrived, they found a room riddled with baggies of drugs, empty bottles of (ironically enough) Corona beer, various prescription meds, and soiled linens.  I know…icky!  They also found an injectable medication for erectile dysfunction – ‘cause, you know, when you’re drunk and high, sometimes you simply cannot perform.  When the officers tried to question Gillum, he was unable to provide coherent details – for obvious reasons.  And yet, inexplicably, they didn’t take him into custody.  He checked out of the hotel and returned to his home. 

What makes this all worse is that 1) Gillum is married to a woman and has three kids and, b) the companion who was ODing was male escort Travis Dyson.  Actually, his “working” name is Brodie Scott – which doesn’t sound nearly as porny as Travis Dyson.  Anyway, he’s mighty hot and mighty hung – and you can see for yourself in the many photos and videos posted on BillyMasters.com.  I’m not completely sure, but I think the third guy who stumbled into the hotel room and called 911 was Travis’ fiancé.  Hmmm….more to come, I’m sure.

When we’re all in bed together, it’s time for me to end yet another column.  Before closing, I must acknowledge the passing of Kathy Griffin’s mom, Maggie.  In person, she was everything you’d want…and more.  She was a helluva gal, and we’re tipping it in her memory.  If you don’t have a box of wine handy, you can simply head on over to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll keep you amused (and healthy) through this crisis.  If you to have a question, send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before we get to the bottom of Andrew Gillum.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Leaders are not exempt from the coronavirus.  West Hollywood Mayor John D’Amico has tested positive.  So has Miami Mayor Francis Suarez.  Even my buddy Prince Albert of Monaco has it.  So, it didn’t surprise me that England ain’t taking any chances when it comes to that old woman.  Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip have taken social distancing to an extreme and travelled to be sequestered at Windsor Castle…separately: Lizzie drove, Phil took a helicopter.  Rumors rapidly rose that the 98-year-old Phil died in his sleep (which, let’s face it, is plausible).  We’re told that not only are Liz and Phil fine, all other senior members of the royal family are self-quarantined at their respective homes.  And, ‘cause I know you’re interested, Harry and Meghan are fine, too.  

I love that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is having prisoners make hand sanitizer.  NYS Clean is said to have a “floral bouquet” and costs only $6/gallon to make.  They are currently making 100K gallons a week, and are scaling up production.  Next stop for Cuomo – Shark Tank!  We heard he enlisted the aid of designer Christian Siriano to make surgical masks for medical workers.  Sure, they’re more expensive, but they go with everything.  Drag queens are also making some.  This is smart outside-the-box thinking.  Many are looking to Cuomo for guidance and comfort.  Some are even suggesting he could jump into the presidential race.  At least he’s under 70!

The coronavirus has a face – Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.  On one hand, Rita Wilson FINALLY has a credit to her name.  Still, it must irk her to no end that many reports simply say “Tom Hanks and his wife”.  Rita has striven to not simply be “wife”.  She’s acted, sung, and even produced.  Yet whatever she does, her most notable credit is “wife”.  The couple’s position as the face of COVID-19 was short-lived once Idris Elba came forward.  And then, Daniel Dae Kim.  If all of these people perish, they’d likely be remembered during the Oscars’ “In Memoriam” as “Actor”…except for Rita Wilson.  If she even makes the cut, I suspect she’ll simply be referred to as “Wife”. 

You know the coronavirus is losing some of its cache once former Bachelor Colton Underwood got it.  Elsewhere on TV, we must add dear Andy Cohen to that list (silver lining – I bet he’s thrilled to be in any group that includes Idris Elba!).  Idris said people should listen to medical officials.  “Stay home people and be pragmatic.”  Meanwhile, Evangeline Lilly scoffed.  She actually referred to the pandemic as “a respiratory flu”, and says she is not socially distancing.  “Some people value their lives over freedom, some people value freedom over their lives”.  Her one concession is that her children must wash their hands before she takes them to gymnastics camp.  She doesn’t seem concerned about them washing when they get home!  So, who are you gonna listen to?  Idris Elba or the chick from Lost?  Or Dr. Fauci (is it just me, or does he look like he could have been an extra in The Lord of the Rings?).

I’m convinced Donald Trump purposely gives his daily briefings right in the middle of The View.  That’s no accident!  Thank God for West Coast feeds (and ABC.com).  While many TV shows have gone on hiatus, The View continues to be live – sans audience.  Also sans Joy Behar.  The elder stateswoman of The View, being of a certain age, is taking time off and sequestering herself in her Hamptons abode.  Whoopi is moderating from home.  The bright side is the welcomed return of Sara Haines.  Since she’s already at ABC for her own show an hour later, she’s the perfect fill-in.  In fact, everything about her is perfect.  She is perhaps the most ideal View co-host since Meredith Vieira.  A bright ray of articulate sunshine and smarts to start my day.  It doesn’t hurt that she has a hot gay brother.  Yes, Joe, I’m talking to you.  Since we’re both just sitting home, drop me an e-mail, message me on Facebook, and let’s see where this goes.  According to The Sun, it could boost both of our immune systems!

Now let’s get back to me.  As I was being prepped for surgery, a Filipino nurse took my blood pressure and said, “WOW, that’s high.”  Not what you want to hear before they roll you into the OR.  Before he took it a second time, he asked me to extend my arm so that it was horizontal with the floor.  His computer was on a rolling, portable desk with a shelf that held a basket of patient charts – roughly at my shoulder level.  He had me rest my arm there, and then my pressure was a less alarming 115/80.  “PHEW – that’s better,” he said.  “That’s because you had me hold onto your basket,” I quipped.  There was less laughing when my surgeon came in with the sniffles!

Regardless, I’m alive, but confined to my bed – and in a sling (which is not nearly as much fun as you’d think).  But even in my compromised state, I am still entertaining the masses…albeit rockin’ one arm.  While most print publications are taking a break, new columns will appear every week on BillyMasters.com.  I’ll even be posting more on Facebook.com/Filth2Go.  We’re planning some live events with friends, tentatively beginning on Tuesday at 3PM EST.  I was inspired by pals Seth Rudetsky and James Wesley, who are doing great things online every day for the Actors Fund.  They’re at 2PM, I’m at 3PM – no conflict there.  And what a great lead-in.

Now that the rest of you are self-quarantining, I feel like we’re on the same page.  We’re separate, but together – my favorite kinda relationship.  Still, how much fun can you have alone?  As luck would have it, The Sun in the UK has given us a helpful tip to combat illness – masturbation!  Yes, according to unnamed experts who surely don’t exist, jerking off will allegedly boost your immune system and raise your white blood count.  I still suggest vigorously washing your hands with soap and hot water first. After all, you don’t know where you’ve been!

Oh no – a bright light is beckoning me.  I fear this is it.  But, wait – a voice just said, “Billy, you’re not finished.”  What does that mean?  “Come back – I will finish you off.”  My God – it’s Aaron Carter!  Why is he reaching out to me?  And what is that goop on his hand?  Is it hand sanitizer?  I sniff it – is this what Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina smells like?  Oh, no…it’s slippery!  And he’s using it on…his OnlyFans website.  That flickering light isn’t the great beyond – it’s a candy striper using his tablet in post-op!  And to think, I came back from the brink of death to see Aaron Carter’s naughty bits!  And he’s charging $125?  You can see him for far less on BillyMasters.com.

Someone else just joined OnlyFans, and he’s certainly getting the blood pumping to my nether regions.  Chad Johnson – the psychopathic stud from The Bachelorette.  Of course, that’s just my opinion – I’m no doctor.  But I’d be happy to play doctor with Chad…although I’d have my finger on the 911 speed dial, just in case.  Like Aaron, you can get a gander at Chad’s Johnson on our website.

Before embarking on a surgery that may (or may not) have taken my life, I had a last request – to attend the Winter Party in Miami.  After all, I do have my priorities.  Despite a worldwide pandemic, the gays showed up in record numbers for the National LGBTQ Task Force’s annual event – which was subtitled “Live Free.  Play Hard.  Give Back.”  What makes the Winter Party special is how inclusive it is.  People were there of every age, sex, shape, and size (yes, I was checking sizes).  Not only was there something for everyone, but the proceeds go back into the community – primarily on the local grassroots level.  And it was probably the last major gay celebration for a while.

Days before my potential demise, gCircuit (Asia’s largest gay circuit party) was cancelled.  All eyes then turned to Jeffrey Sanker.  What would happen to the iconic White Party in Palm Springs?  Even as I was wheeled into pre-op (not the surgery I was anticipating), Sanker stated that he was monitoring the situation carefully.  Shortly thereafter, the circuit impresario announced that the White Party would be postponed – to October 30^th through November 2^nd.  Sure, give the gays a reason to come to Palm Springs over Halloween.  A win/win.

The very first Pride of the Americas was scheduled to take place April 21-26, just a hop, skip and a jump away from the Filth2Go Beach House in Fort Lauderdale – which, after my demise, will surely become a shrine and destination for pilgrims wanting to venerate what few relics I left behind.  Needless to say, it too was cancelled – or, rather, postponed.  Another of my beloved organizations, Los Angeles Pride, has scuttled plans for their 50^th anniversary due to the City of West Hollywood banning all public events with a capacity of over 100 through June 30^th.  New dates for these events will, hopefully, be forthcoming.

RuPaul’s DragCon, which was scheduled to take place May 1-3 at the Los Angeles Convention Center, has been cancelled.  As of now, the NYC installment is still a go in September.

Perhaps I’ll bump into Corey Haim in the hereafter and get to the bottom of another story.  In the documentary (My) Truth: The Rape of Two Coreys, Corey Feldman claims that Charlie Sheen raped Corey Haim.  Of course, this is not a new allegation.  However, it is the first time Feldman has gone public.  He claims that the sexual assault took place when Haim was 13 years old on the set of the film Lucas (at the time, Sheen was 19).   The living Corey says that Haim told him, “Charlie bent me over in between two trailers and put Crisco oil on my butt and raped me in broad daylight.  Anybody could have walked by.  Anybody could have seen it.”  And yet, it doesn’t appear that anybody did.  Sheen has fought back, saying “These sick, twisted and outlandish allegations never occurred.  Period.”  Also coming forward is Haim’s mother Judy who says, “My son never mentioned Charlie.  We never talked about Charlie.  It was all made up.  If my son was here to hear all of this he would throw up.”

Wherever I end up, Lord, please don’t let me bump into Ronan Satchel Allen O’Sullivan Sinatra Farrow.  I was willing to give that smug piece of work a pass due to him exposing Harvey Weinstein and others.  But last week, Ronan crossed the line.  As you know, Ronan is estranged from one of his many possible fathers, Woody Allen, over abuse claims from his sister Dylan – claims, I should add, that were never substantiated, despite at least five investigations.  Woody wrote a memoir, Apropos of Nothing, which was to be published in April by Hachette Book Group.  Plans changed once Ronan got wind of them.  You see, Ronan’s book Catch and Kill was also published by Hachette.  Ronan stated that because of their relationship with Allen, he was severing ties with the company.  In expressing his outrage, Ronan Tweeted (in part): “Hachette did not fact check the Woody Allen book. My sister Dylan has never been contacted to respond to any denial or mischaracterization of the abuse she suffered at the hands of Woody Allen.”  Which begs the question – was Woody ever contacted to respond to the allegations Mia made in her memoir?  Because I don’t think that’s how memoirs work.

A hatchet job was quickly waged on Woody, and Ronan was at the very least the catalyst for a Hachette employee walkout.  In short order, Hachette shelved the book and terminated their relationship with Woody.  Why?  Well, Ronan is a star on the rise and is taking a victory lap due to the Weinstein conviction.  If this were simply one person against another, I might not bat an eye (assuming I still have eye activity).  But in this case, the troublesome irony for me is that the recipient of a Pulitzer Prize for investigative reporting and public service is trying to squelch someone from telling their story.  Clearly censorship on any level is loathsome – especially from someone whose profession is uncovering the truth.  Stephen King Tweeted his thoughts: “The Hachette decision to drop the Woody Allen book makes me very uneasy.  It’s not him; I don’t give a damn about Mr. Allen.  It’s who gets muzzled next that worries me.”  You’d think that would worry Ronan, as well.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Henry in Baltimore: “I love Daniel Newman on Walking Dead and know how much he enjoys posting thirsty photos online.  What do you know about him?  And do you have any nudes?”

We first got a glimpse of the sexy ginger in the 2017 calendar Red Hot Exposed – he was the cover model and Mr. June.  In 2017, he came out as a member of the LGBT community (back then, we didn’t have Qs or As).  He even copped to having a boyfriend for over a year.  Some sources describe him as Paul Newman’s grandson, but I can find no verification of that.  Lately, he’s been posting several hot photos and encouraging people to slide into his DMs.  Of course, he’s showing everything but.  Speaking of butts, we do have that.  Along with his fabulously ripped torso.  On BillyMasters.com, naturally.

When I may soon join The Walking Dead, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Even when I’m gone, my website will carry on.  So check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that can (hopefully) raise the dead!  While I am certain I’ll survive this major operation, one can never be too sure.  So, if you have a question, you have two options: hold a séance, or send an e-mail to Billy@BillyMasters.com.  Either way, I hope to get back to you before Danny Newman slides into Schock…literally.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

In some fascinating news, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason has created a new chapter to her seminal sitcom, Designing Women.  This new incarnation will be a play!  This adaptation will have its world premiere at the TheaterSquared in Fayetteville, Arkansas on August 12^th and run for one month.  Subsequent dates will also take place at the Alabama Shakespeare Festival and the Dallas Theater Center.  No casting or plots have been announced, but Linda did make a statement.  “What I really want to do was take these women as we last saw them and set them down right now.  They’ll have the same history, be the same people, have the same attitudes, the same philosophies, but they’ll be talking about #MeToo and the Kardashians, and Donald Trump, and all that’s going on right now.”

He’s been quiet for a while, but last week Aaron Schock surfaced in Rio.  And he was all over sexy Eliad Cohen.  Now, I know what you’re all thinking – Aaron Schock is dating that little Cuban boy who came to America on an inner tube?  No, that was Elián González, who I believe is currently working on Bernie Sanders’ campaign.  This is Eliad Cohen – a very successful Israeli circuit party promoter (and occasional actor and model).  If you didn’t know who they were, you’d probably think Aaron and Eliad were just another hot gay circuit couple.  But, of course, people do know who they are, and photographed them…as one does.  And, as this one does, I’ll post them on BillyMasters.com – along with all those other photos (and videos) of every inch of Aaron.

And then Aaron did something unexpected – he came out.  In a long, rambling essay.  I really would have preferred some illustrations – as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.  But, OK, I read it.  Here’s my two cents.  I don’t really care one iota about Aaron Schock.  His minor political career didn’t interest me; his conservative views don’t interest me; and his voting record on anti-LGBTQ initiatives doesn’t interest me (but, should you like details, he supported DOMA and opposed DADT).  I realize I’m in the minority in my apathy – if social media means anything.  The gays posting online are livid that in Schock’s statement, he never said the words, “I’m sorry”. 

Here’s my question – why does anyone need to hear “I’m sorry” from someone so insignificant in their lives?  Why are you elevating him to that importance?  If you read his missive, it’s clear he’s a damaged person from a very dysfunctional family.  He has demons he hasn’t even dealt with – again, not my problem.  However, even I, the apathetic Billy Masters, can imagine the horror when he telephoned his mother to tell her he is gay just before going home for Easter, only to be told that he should turn around – he wasn’t welcomed.  I have no idea what that would feel like, but I’m willing to imagine it wouldn’t be fun.  I suspect if he were less attractive, he’d probably get a bit more empathy from most gay men.  And, if those haters were really honest, they’d admit that given half a chance, they’d sleep with him.

Speaking of old, let’s talk about two of our icons.  Last week in Los Angeles, Oprah fell – and it registered on the Richter scale!  One semi-notable defended Winfrey on Facebook, saying it’s not nice to make fun of an elderly woman falling.  Ooooh, Oprah ain’t gonna like that.  Meanwhile, Madonna took a tumble at Le Grande Rex in Paris.  According to The Sun, she “burst into tears and struggled to stand”.  Another outlet states that she “hobbled off stage with a cane” – which I’m sure they keep handy for Madge…just in case.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Tyler in Dallas: “Do you remember that hot criminal who became a model?  Everyone was talking about him a couple years ago.  Whatever happened to him?  He was gorgeous.”

That would be Jeremy Meeks, who strutted his stuff on the runway during New York Fashion Week after being released from prison in 2017.  The so-called “hot felon” got a whole lotta media attention when his mug shot went viral in 2014.  After serving just over two years in prison for possession of a firearm (he’d previously done nine years in prison for grand theft felony), he made the most of his second/third chance by cashing in on his chiseled cheekbones and pouty lips.  If you’re one of Jeremy’s fans, you’ll be pleased to know that you can see a whole lot more of him.  We’ve got a number of photos where he shows off every inch (close to double digits) of his excited appendage.  Apparently prison agreed with him – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re trading one convict for another, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Here’s a fun fact – Meeks’ agent also represents the Octomom…speaking of vaginas with lots of traffic!  Just goes to show there’s a bright side to everything.  And we show you every side on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that finds the best stories in the oddest places.  If you have a question, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the fat lady sings (or falls).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I keep reading about these shows Oprah is doing around the country.  People are paying big bucks to see O’s Vision Tour.  Winfrey might wanna have her vision checked because last week, she fell onstage.  During a “performance” in Los Angeles, Oprah said, “Wellness to me means all things in balance, and balance doesn’t mean all things are equal or at peace at all times.”  And with that, she lost her balance and landed on her ass.  Actually, that doesn’t do the fall justice.  She kinda stumbled around, almost looked like she was about to attempt a cartwheel, and then fell flat on her ass.  I can describe it so accurately because, yes, we have the video on BillyMasters.com – and it may be the best video since Beyoncé fell down that flight of stairs.  Anyway, when she fell, the audience gasped.  Oprah got up and laughed off the incident, saying, “It’s nice to be talking about balance and falling.”  She kicked off her shoes and had an assistant bring out a pair of sneakers.  After all, the show must go on.

One of the biggest hits on Broadway is To Kill a Mockingbird.  When the show opened last year, it starred Jeff Daniels.  Then he left and the role of Atticus Finch was taken over by Ed Harris.  It’s just been announced that when Mr. Harris leaves Broadway on April 19^th, he will be replaced by Greg Kinnear.  Let’s play a little game I like to call “Who turned down that role?”  Because, lovely as Mr. Kinnear may be, does anyone really think he was the producers’ first choice?  Don’t you think there are a few actors in between Ed Harris and Greg Kinnear?  OK, so maybe they couldn’t get Scott Baio.  But what is David Faustino doing?  By the by, the press release indicates that this will be Kinnear’s Broadway debut.  Shocking!

You may recall that little Frankie Muniz appeared on Dancing with the Stars two years ago.  He recently dusted off his dancing shoes when he found himself in a dressing room with one of the show’s professional hoofers, Keo Motsepe.  The duo doffed their tops and performed a semi-synchronized rendition of Ginuwine’s “Pony”.  When posting the video, Muniz said, “I know I’m going to regret this later”.  I suppose the only way to know for sure is to watch it on BillyMasters.com.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Stephen in Delaware: “Do you know that hot nude chef on TV named Franco?  He really sizzles – even with an apron on.  Do you have any pics of him totally nude?  Is he gay?”

His name is Franco Noriega, and he’s a former professional swimmer from Peru.  He moved to New York City to go to culinary school.  Along the way, he became a model and opened his own restaurant, Baby Brasa, which specializes in organic Peruvian cuisine.  I’m told it’s particularly busy when Noriega is behind the grill.  As to his personal life, he’s cagey.  Although Noriega is known for showing off virtually every part of his anatomy, he’s stopped short at his penis.  But that didn’t stop us from finding it.  During a live Twitter video, he was showing off a mixed drink in his hand.  Across the room, a framed photo acted as a mirror and reflected every inch of his anatomy.  It may have been fleeting elsewhere, but you can have a taste at BillyMasters.com.

If you lived in Hollywood in the ‘80s, you couldn’t miss countless billboards featuring a buxom blond named Angelyne.  The “model” (for lack of a better term) had reportedly courted a wealthy sponsor to bankroll the billboard blitz, and a legend was bought…er, born.  Angelyne was soon seen in ads, at events, and on red carpets.  She even ran for governor of California in 2003 (she finished 28^th).  The problem is, she never really did much of anything except show up places – including in supermarket parking lots where she can still be seen selling T-shirts out of the trunk of her aging pink Corvette.  So I was shocked to learn that NBC’s streaming Peacock platform is producing a series about her life.  Don’t get me wrong – there have been biopics about people with less going for them (although, for the life of me, I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head).  Angie will be played by Emmy Rossum (who I know has done things, but for the life of me, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head).

Caitlyn Jenner is about to make history by posing nude on the cover of Sports Illustrated.  Well, not completely nude – she’ll be draped in an American flag.  Believe it or not, that’s not the controversial part.  Caitlyn will also be sporting the Olympic medal Bruce won.  This rubs people the wrong way, and it got me thinking – who won the medal?  Caitlyn or Bruce?  Would Caitlyn, who has all the genetic advantages of a male athlete, be able to participate in the Olympics as a woman?  As a man?  At all?  I guess that’s a question for the next generation.  All I know is that she’s wearing a medal and a flag.

Let’s move onto a real Olympic hero – Greg Louganis.  Do you realize that we have Greg to thank for Mario Lopez?  Mario broke into adult roles by playing the lead in Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story for the USA Network (my dear friend Patrick David played Greg during his early years).  So, who will be the next Mario Lopez?  More accurately, who will be the next Greg Louganis?  A new biopic about the diver is in development – this time for theatrical release.  Once again, we’re told that two actors are being sought to play the diver at various ages.  I am more than willing to begin auditioning people tout suite.

As to the other mayor, Buttigieg held his own during the debate – and I know a whole lotta you would like to hold his own yourselves.  After auteur Jim Fall made faux photos of Pete sporting scruff, the Internet exploded.  Suddenly, gays everywhere lost their minds lusting after him.  Some pundits are now predicting that a bearded Buttigieg could top the polls – to say nothing of the voters.  Funny, but nobody gets all that excited when they see photos of Mike Pence and his beard.

Last week, Rush Limbaugh – who stands alongside other Medal of Freedom recipients like Rosa Parks and Harper Lee – made what some people would consider hate speech about Buttigieg.  On a subsequent radio show, he added, “Hell, the president even called me about this…he said, ‘Rush, I just got to tell you something.  Never apologize, don’t ever.’”  Pete, too, had some thoughts.  “I’m in a faithful, loving, committed marriage.  I’m proud of my marriage.  I’m proud of my husband.  I’m not going to be lectured on family values from the likes of Rush Limbaugh or anybody who supports Donald J. Trump as the moral as well as political leader of the United States.”

It’s been said that most black people voted for Barack Obama, and only about half of the women voted for Hillary Clinton.  That got me thinking – where does that leave Buttigieg with gay voters?  Believe it or not, there is a group out there called Queers Against Pete.  On their website, they state, “We cannot in good conscience allow Mayor Pete to become the nominee without demanding that he address the needs and concerns of the broader Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, and Asexual communities.”  Oh, geez, now I’m supposed to care about the asexuals?  I’d say get your own group, but if they could, they probably wouldn’t be asexual!  To all of you out there, may I simply say this – calm the fuck down.  No candidate is gonna check every box for every voter.  As for the Queers Against Pete, they had the gall to protest at one of Pete’s campaign stops in San Francisco.  Oh, the humanity!  Buttigieg quickly had the disrupters removed, stating, “I respect your activism.  But this is a gathering of supporters of our campaign and I just got a question about my husband and I’m really excited to answer it.”

In case this sways your vote, Cher has thrown her support behind Joe Biden.  After the Nevada debate, the Dark Lady Tweeted the following: “This will most likely be unpopular, but last night I asked myself, ‘Who would I be, if I denied a man I know and respect for a shiny, new, tech savvy billionaire?’”  Replace “billionaire” with “musician”, and I think that’s the same speech she made when leaving Sonny Bono for Gregg Allman!  She continued, “Joe’s made mistakes, like all of us, but I believe he would be honest, smart, civil president who doesn’t have to learn on the job.”  Since Cher is only conscious a few hours a day, it’s no surprise that her guy is Sleepy Joe.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Simon in London: “Will Daniel Craig really show all in his final outing as James Bond?  That’s the rumor I’ve heard.  And what do you hear about the film?  I HATE the song.”

I recently told someone that the theme song needs to be Bassey-fied.  As to the film, I know very little except that Mr. Craig will not show all.  However, Craig has previously shown his naughty bits fleetingly in several films – most notably in Some Voices.  I’ve always contended that it’s unfair to judge a flaccid penis running around on the set.  Perhaps it was chilly.  And maybe, just maybe, it’s a grower.  Decide for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When 007’s penis is for your eyes only, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Of course, you can see Daniel Craig and so many others on www.BillyMasters.com, the where members see members.  Just to keep you all in the loop, I will be heading to South Beach for the National LGBTQ Task Force’s Winter Party Festival.  The festivities take place March 4-10, and I’m told that discounted tickets are practically sold out.  So what are you waiting for?  Get over to WinterParty.com.  If you’ve got a question for me, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Spider-man and Batman hook-up.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Some sources are claiming that the next Spider-man film will include a boyfriend…for the superhero!  I have my doubts this will happen, but here’s how the rumor got started.  Way back in 2013, Andrew Garfield said the following: “What if [Spider-man’s girlfriend] is a dude?  Why can’t we discover that Peter is exploring his sexuality?  It’s hardly even groundbreaking!  So why can’t he be gay?  Why can’t he be into boys?”  Andrew brought this idea up to the producers and they balked.  However, the current rumor claims that Sony is so eager for Garfield to return to the franchise, they’d now consider a bi-Spidey.  We’ll see…

A clip recently dropped of Robert Pattinson as Batman.  Well, they say it’s Robert Pattinson as Batman, but who really knows.  Were there no lights on this set?  Even a flashlight?  ‘Cause, for all I know, it could be J-Lo in that Batman suit!  I suppose it’s possible that Pattinson has figured out how to say “I’m Batman” in that husky, Brenda Vaccaro type of voice.  But, physically, he seems to ooze all the raw masculinity of a young Kristy McNichol.

During a discussion of women celebrating Galentine’s Day instead of Valentine’s Day, Wendy Williams found herself in hot water.  “Well, first of all, if you’re a man and you’re clapping, you’re not even a part of this.  You don’t even understand the rules of the day.  It’s women going out and getting saucy and then going back home.  You’re not a part.”  Fine.  Then she added, “I don’t care if you’re gay. You don’t get a mensie every 28 days.  You can do a lot that we do, but I get offended by the idea that we go through something you will never go through.”  And here comes that extra step.  “And stop wearing our skirts and our heels.  Just sayin’.  Girls, what do we have for ourselves?”  Suddenly people began accusing Wendy of being homo- or transphobic (a few supporters felt she was defending the “appropriation of womanhood”).  The next day, Wendy made a video in which she apologized and expressed love for her LGBTQ+ fans.

Rarely is Wendy applauded for her philanthropy.  I’m sure you’ve all seen the video of the Texas stripper who fell from a 15-foot pole – and then twerked herself off stage!  Believe it or not, strippers don’t have great insurance – even with Obamacare!  Williams had the gal on her show, and pointed out that perhaps the club should pay the medical bills since it was a work-related injury.  Since the stripper ain’t getting back on the pole and wants to finish going to beauty school, Wendy gave her $10K towards her studies.  Brava.

If they go the swimsuit route, the Academy might wanna enlist the aid of Pamela Anderson.  The former Baywatch babe is back in the headlines because of Jon Peters.  You’ll recall Peters came to notoriety in Hollywood courtesy of Barbra Streisand – because Babs and Pam have so much in common!  I had no clue Jon and Pam even knew each other, let alone got married!  Apparently they didn’t know each other that well – the marriage lasted all of 12 days (thus beating the record of shortest marriage held by Ethel Merman and Ernest Borgnine, for my older fans).  According to Peters, Pamela is in hock up to her areolas, and he believes she married him to help pay off $200K of debt.  Correct me if I’m wrong – can’t Pamela make that in an hour with some Arab sheik?  I can’t believe that the only way Pam can earn money is by marrying someone.  Where’s Hef when you need him?

Our Ask Billy question comes from Roger in Detroit: “I get a very gay feeling about [celebrity DJ] Calvin Harris.  Maybe it’s ‘cause he’s so hot.  But why did he stop doing underwear ads?  And do you have anything hotter?”

I first became aware of Calvin when billboards started popping up around Los Angeles featuring his torso and his name – an odd way of promoting a DJ.  But we’re in a time when one cannot be a great DJ or painter or aluminum siding installer without having a 6-pack and pecs.  Or maybe that’s just what I look for in someone banging around my home.  With that notoriety came the underwear spread for Armani.  That was around the same time as his liaison with Taylor Swift – such a fine judge of heterosexual men.  Perhaps coincidentally, the Armani campaign ended when Calvin’s relationship with Taylor went kaput.  Still, it made him comfortable enough in his skin to take more candid shots – such as the one on his manager’s birthday when he was just standing there in his fully-packed boxer briefs (he being Harris).  We’ve gotten a peek at what’s inside those briefs and, while most DJs specialize in 12-inches, Calvin’s sporting a good, solid eight inches – hard.  Oh, yes – very hard.  And veiny.  And, lest you question the veracity of the photo, our forensic experts insist that certain moles on that distinctive torso line up perfectly with this photo.  Check it out for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When nothing comes between me and my Calvin, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  What a long night!  I must confess, I’m exhausted.  But let me quickly remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’ll perk you up.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Liza gets out of that chair!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Last month, Perez Hilton bemoaned to an Australian journalist how difficult it is for him to find love.  “The overwhelming majority of gay men don’t like me.”  He also disclosed that hasn’t even had sex since 2006.  As it happens, that was the year I started having more sex than ever before.  Apparently I did it (and them) to make up for those less fortunate…and I’m always happy to oblige.  Alas, it only got worse for Mr. Hilton.  The Australian interview was a prelude to his appearance on the country’s version of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!  And out of here he got, basically storming out of the jungle and accusing another celebrity…wait for it…of bullying!  “For some reason he had it out for me,” says Hilton – virtually the same accusation he’s gotten from countless real celebs.  Sometimes nice guys do finish first – but I usually try to wait until the others finish.

I’m assuming most of you don’t read Variety religiously.  So it follows that most of you didn’t see the photo of Liza Minnelli on the cover of the magazine’s Oscars issue.  If you did, you would have seen a youthful-appearing Minnelli, clutching an Oscar to her bosom, perched high upon a director’s chair, with one leg precariously swinging over the arm.  This is in sharp contrast to the Liza who is usually captured by the paparazzi having enormous difficulty walking, and who approaches stairs as if she’s being asked to negotiate a medieval gauntlet.  Which begs the question – how many people did it take to get Liza into this unusual position?  And is she still stuck in the chair?  The interview really seems secondary, but it did provide one illuminating moment.  Given her protection of her mother’s image, and the fact that Renée Zellweger was nominated for (and ultimately won) an Oscar for playing her, the topic had to come up.  Minnelli admits to not seeing (and having no interest in seeing) the flick, but graciously added, “I hope she had a good time making it.”  Now could someone please help me out of this chair??!!

“Thank you.  I will drink until next morning.”  
– Bong Joon-Ho, winner of Best Director for Parasite.

When people look back on the 2020 Oscars…well, God only knows what they’ll think.  Here’s my general thought – confusion.  Every time someone popped up around the theatre to introduce a segment, I was bewildered.  First off, I had no idea where to look.  It was like a celebrity version of Where’s Waldo – minus the celebrities.  Who were these people?  I suppose using lesser performers made sense.  You couldn’t have Diane Ladd hanging on for dear life from the rafters.  I will definitely remember some of the outstanding performances.  How fabulous was Cynthia Erivo wailing “Stand Up” from Harriet?  Even better, how fabulous was Cynthia keeping her gaze on the camera circling her to the commercial break?  As great as she was and as great as the song was, I have to give it up to Elton – especially after his kick-ass rendition of “(I’m Gonna) Love Me Again”.  Admittedly, he had to look at music and lyrics (it’s not a song he’s performed often), but it was touching to see him and Bernie Taupin win their first Oscar.

Let me give a warning to any future award show singers – don’t go anywhere near Rita Wilson with a microphone.  She’s got sheet music in her purse and is ready to hit the stage.  Chris Rock and Steve Martin showed how valuable comedians are to an awards show.  But, it’s not as easy as you think.  The night before the Oscars, the two were at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and tried out their routine – including several jokes which didn’t make it to air.  I believe James Corden and Rebel Wilson are carrying the mantle of Bob Barker by reminding us to spay and neuter our pets.  I do have one question – do Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig have no gay friends?  Not even one?

Without a doubt, the winner of the Faye Dunaway Award for Award Presentation is Diane Keaton.  My God, the only thing she didn’t do was exclaim La La Land!  It’s sad when Keanu is the coherent one.  On the flip side, Martin Scorsese always looks like he’s having such a good time – even when he lost Best Director.  Lastly, after the first award of the night, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Scientologists had Tom Cruise on suicide watch.

Meanwhile across the pond, Doctor Who is making history.  For those of you who don’t know, the titular character of the venerable series has been played by 13 actors since 1963.  I read an article that Doctor Who is being played by Jodie Whittaker.  Well, I got all excited – the little boy from Family Affair finally got a gig!  Then I realized Johnny Whitaker PLAYED Jody (with a Y) on the show, twin to Buffy who died of an overdose as a teen.  This Jodie Whittaker is a woman, and she’s been Doctor Who since 2017.  The person playing the latest incarnation is actually Jo Martin, which is historic because Jo is the first Doctor Who of color (to say nothing of a female Doctor Who of color).  And how clever of the Brits to do this right in the middle of Brexit and Megxit.

By the by, guess who returned to Doctor Who?  Our very own John Barrowman – as Captain Jack, naturally.  Why did it take Barrowman 10 years to rejoin to the franchise?  Apparently the previous showrunner was not a fan.  However, Chris Chibnall was recently hired – and he had previously been the showrunner for Torchwood (the Doctor Who spin-off starring Barrowman as Captain Jack).  So that led the way to his return.  Although Barrowman’s appearance was a one-off, I am told he could be back in the future.

Every once in a while, someone asks me if Matt Gutman is gay.  Can’t blame them – he’s the hottest reporter this side of Chris Cuomo’s wet T-shirt during a hurricane.  Unfortunately, Matt is married with children.   However, he recently made news – or, rather, he made fake news.  He mistakenly announced on live TV that Kobe Bryant was killed with all four of his children.  Ouch!  Although he later corrected the error, the damage was done.  ABC suspended him for an undisclosed period of time.  To help you over the hump, we’ve found some hot photos of Matt – the most interesting featuring him between fellow reporters David Muir and Gio Benitez.  Then there’s one where he shows off his vacation beard.  I know my readers will enjoy the footage of Matt showing off his tight Gutman.  ‘Cause that’s what we do at BillyMasters.com.

Many of you have asked me about the Netflix docuseries, Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez.  There’s been a lot of criticism that the show focuses too much on the former tight end’s sexual orientation.  It even kicks off with the song “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”.  Subtle.  In addition to his brain injuries, there is conjecture that his being outed on the radio led to his suicide two days later (an allegation echoed by Aaron’s brother).  The doc spent an inordinate amount of time blaming his violent tendencies on his internal sexual conflict.

I’ve previously told you the allegations of former Marine, Dennis SanSoucie.  He claims to have had a “relationship” with Aaron from 7^th grade until they were juniors in high school.  He also states that while Hernandez didn’t want to be gay, he “participated” with many people.  “I was a small piece of Aaron’s sexual activity.”  And yet, to the best of my knowledge, no other “participants” have come forward.  Dennis says Aaron was terrified of his father finding out.  “Mr. Hernandez was well-known as a man’s man; a father that slapped the faggot right out of you.”  However, Mr. Hernandez died when his son was 16.  It seems that rather than free Aaron, it made him snap.  Of course, his mother shacking up with his favorite cousin’s husband probably didn’t help.

I don’t think the doc ever mentioned Aaron having beards or girlfriends – aside from his fiancée, Shayanna Jenkins.  In a recent interview, Shayanna weighed in on all the speculation.  “You can’t describe someone’s sexuality without them being here.  Although I’ve had a child with Aaron, I still can’t tell you what he was feeling inside.”  Her words came back to me during a sequence in the documentary where they played a prison call between the couple.  When he mentions being in “an all-male jail…besides ‘those things’”, Shayanna chastises him.  “Stop calling them ‘those things’.  Stop it.  That is so rude.  They are called transgender.  Don’t call them ‘those things’.”  When Aaron giggles and says that’s what the other inmates call them, Shayanna says, “Don’t be hopping on the bandwagon.  Be a leader.  They are not ‘things’.  They are humans – just like you.”  Regarding his sexuality, Shayanna says, “If he did feel that way, or if he felt the urge, I wish that I was told.  I wish that he would have told me because I wouldn’t have loved him any differently.  I would have understood.  It’s not shameful.”

In an ironic codicil, the docuseries ends with footage from Aaron’s funeral – at the Faggas Funeral Home.

“I better hear no lip-syncing tomorrow.”  
– Lady Gaga, from the stage of her Miami show on All Super Bowls Eve. 
She added, “I love you, J. Lo.  I love you Shakira.” 
I think she may love them a little less today.  Shakira didn’t even attempt to hide her lip-syncing,
while Lopez stuck to her strengths and spent most of her stage time pole dancing.

My favorite part of the Super Bowl is the commercials.  This year, we had Molly Ringwald hawking avocados, Winona Ryder doing something in the snow, MC Hammer selling Cheetos, a Queer Eye pushing Pop Tarts, Ellen and Portia extolling the virtues of Alexa, and a trio of Bostonians (Chris Evans, John Krasinski and Rachel Dratch) endorsing Hyundai.  I was excited when I heard Sofia Vergara was in a commercial called, “When We Come Together”.  Alas, it was nothing like I expected.

Then there was the spot for Sabra hummus starring Kim Chi and Miz Cracker.  Many media outlets reported that this was the first time drag queens appeared in a Super Bowl commercial.  Not true.  Way back during the 2000 Super Bowl, RuPaul starred in a commercial for WebEx, a video conferencing site.  Since the supermodel of the world wasn’t yet a household name, the commercial began with her saying, “This meeting is a real drag”.  Check it out on BillyMasters.com.

I warn you – if you have peanut allergies…stop reading this column…FOREVER.  It was widely reported that Planters was killing off Mr. Peanut.  In a commercial that aired pre-Super Bowl, we saw the mascot in a car accident, willingly falling to his death to save his two friends (Wesley Snipes and Matt Walsh).  A follow-up commercial featuring his funeral ran just before halftime.  At Mr. Peanut’s burial, he was sent off by other famous mascots, including Mr. Clean and Kool-Aid Man.  When the latter stood over the grave crying, “Oh, yeah”, his tear seemed to resurrect the legume.  Out sprang Baby Nut, asking, “Where’s my monocle?”  So, yes, he’s back.

Here we are, at the end of January 2020, and I haven’t published a celebrity nude OR an Ask Billy question.  Well, brace yourselves – we’ve got one of each this week.  First up, Aaron Carter.  Last year, there was that quickie webcam glimpse we got of his nether regions.  This year, several shots of his penis at full staff surfaced – and I swear it has nothing to do with the Navy.  But you can salute it at BillyMasters.com.

Our Ask Billy question is about a subject I’d been following.  Mark in Boston writes, “On Gavin Degraw’s podcast, Julianne Hough’s husband Brooks Laich recently said that he is taking a break from their marriage to ‘really dive into his sexuality’.  WTF?  He’s really hot, so if you have any nude photos, that would be great, too.”

You may recall last year, Julianne defined herself as “not straight” – and I will once again remind you that this “not straight” woman once dated Ryan Seacrest…who I always thought was using Julianne to get to Derek, but that’s another story.  Recently, Julianne’s hubby, hockey player Brooks Laich, posted on Instagram some of his goals for 2020: “I want to learn more about intimacy and my sexuality”.  Perhaps he should call Ryan…or Derek.  Needless to say, his comment to Degraw (on the podcast they co-host) didn’t surprise me.  I wouldn’t be surprised if at the end of his exploration, he learned that he’s just a little bit gay.  Still, I don’t think that’s a deal breaker for Julianne.  Alas, no nudes have surfaced thus far.  But he’s hot enough shirtless for me to run some of those pics on BillyMasters.com.

When Julianne could possibly be someone’s beard…again, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Here’s something interesting – when I was researching the Ask Billy question, I was shocked to find a staggering number of photos of Brooks Laich all over Gavin Degraw.  You don’t think…nah, too easy.  Speaking of easy, check out the latest news and nudes on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’s a sure thing.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before one of those nude sailors competes on Dancing with the Stars.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Should any of my readers have a cruise in their future, might I suggest packing a life jacket?  Last week, someone plummeted to their death on an Atlantis cruise.  This incident took place in San Juan, Puerto Rico – and may I say on behalf of the gay community, we’re sorry.  Haven’t those poor people in Puerto Rico suffered enough?  My sources say it wasn’t actually a passenger – it was a 46-year-old resident of Naples, Florida who was working for Atlantis.  He allegedly wrote a suicide note and jumped from the 10^th story of Royal Caribbean’s Oasis of the Seas.

Elsewhere at sea, the US Navy is investigating a series of videos of sailors taken in a bathroom.  Allegedly, dozens of service members were surreptitiously videotaped, and the footage was leaked to Pornhub (the clips have since been removed).  The theory is that the videos were taken through a peephole…shades of Erin Andrews.  Of the sailors still in uniform, some have their name badges clearly visible.  The videos also include some civilians – which begs the question, where is this bathroom with civilians frolicking with nude sailors?

I barely know who Calum Scott is, and yet I identify with him.  The Britain’s Got Talent winner took to social media to discuss his weight fluctuation whilst on the road.  He posted three shirtless pics from his 2018 tour which were only weeks apart but showed a drastic difference in definition.  He added “I always yo-yo with my weight because I love wine and carbs but I learned that that’s ok.  It’s about making sure you train hard and eat well, then the treats are well deserved.  Who is getting fit in 2020?”  He had me till he mentioned training hard and eating well!

Perhaps Calum Scott should have a conversation with Jessica Simpson.  In the sometime singer’s upcoming autobiography, she reveals an addiction to diet pills for more than 20 years.  Simpson traces her issues back to a conversation she had with Tommy Mottola on her 17^th birthday.  She did an audition for him at Columbia Records, and he offered her a recording contract – if she lost 15 pounds.  “That’s what it will take to be Jessica Simpson.”  And to think she thought she was already Jessica Simpson!  By the by, I unearthed an interview Jessica did with Oprah Winfrey over a decade ago when she bemoaned the battle of the bulge.  “I’ve tried every fad diet, every diet there is, but never to the extent where it’s unhealthy.”  How can I get my hands on those healthy pills?

This time last year, the Hollywood Museum hosted Batman ’66 – the first-ever retrospective of the classic television series, Batman.  One of the notable people at that event was the Boy Wonder himself, Burt Ward.  Last week, Ward revealed that the ABC brass were quite upset over the size of his…er…utility belt.  “They thought that Robin had a very large bulge for television.”  On the big screen, Chris O’Donnell’s was just right.  Ward was sent to a doctor who prescribed him some pills that would “shrink me up”.  He took them for three days, but then worried there could be long-term fertility effects.  “I stopped doing that and I just used my cape to cover it.”  That cape not only did the trick, it raised a pretty penny.  Last month, the costumes worn by Batman and Robin in the series were sold for a record amount of $832,000 for the pair.  I’m sure the fact that Robin’s costume was stretched out of shape only helped the sale.  I know it helped me through some hard times.

It’s been a great few years for RuPaul.  She’s everywhere.  OK, perhaps not on FOX, which took a hard pass on Ru’s daytime talk show.  But it certainly isn’t slowing the drag diva down.  She’s starring in AJ and the Queen, which has a 10-episode commitment from Netflix and producer Michael Patrick King.  And she’s got another season of the award-winning RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Then there’s a Las Vegas residency coming up at the Flamingo Hotel (formerly the home of Donny and Marie).  And RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK was a huge hit.  Alas, that also led to some woes.  Last weekend, the UK hosted their first-ever DragCon – a popular event for drag queens and their fans.  Alas, DragCon was a victim of its own success, with too many tickets being sold and people queuing in lines for hours.  Photos at the Olympia London (the venue) show hordes both inside and out.  World of Wonder (the producers) issued a statement offering to honor tickets the next day, or offer refunds.

With all this hoopla, more producers are cashing in on the drag craze.  TLC has announced a new show –Dragnificent!, which will star Drag Race alumnae Jujubee, Bebe Zahara Benet, Thorgy Thor and Alexis Michelle as sort of a drag version of Queer Eye.  The ladies will travel around and try to make people’s lives better.  I hope they let them loose on some of those people from My 600-lb Life!  The show debuts in the spring.

Meanwhile in Hollywood, I was invited to a gathering of the leading ladies of Knots Landing at the Hollywood Museum.  Michele Lee, Donna Mills, and Joan Van Ark were on hand to unveil an exhibit of costumes which were worn on the nighttime sudser.  These events always bring out some luminaries from Hollywood’s bygone days.  At one point, I found myself standing between Kathy Garver from Family Affair and Donna Pescow from Angie.  I think that’s when Anson Williams stopped by to say hi.  The Knots ladies were delightful, and I was happy to catch up with each of them.  I saw Michele Lee two months ago when she joined the Broadway cast of The Tale of the Allergist’s Wife in a special performance for The Actors Fund.  I spent time with Joan Van Ark last year when she participated in an all-star reading of Valley of the Dolls to raise money for the LA LGBT Center.  And a few months earlier, I saw Donna Mills in Driving Miss Daisy.  The fact that all three of these ladies recently did high-profile theatre events got me thinking – why not find a project for them to do together?  “Why not?” said Van Ark, excitedly.  “We could do it as a big benefit.  We’d have a ball”.  Why not, indeed.  In the meantime, check out the exhibit at TheHollywoodMuseum.com.  And check out photos from the event on BillyMasters.com.

“Some people call it a train wreck.  We call it The View.”  Truer words were never spoken than during this Saturday Night Live spoof of the talk show’s opening (said by Cheri Oteri as Barbara Walters).  Whatever you may think about The View, it is appointment television.  The show not only reports the news – it makes news.  And it opened the new year with a bombshell – the departure of right-of-center Abby Huntsman.  A popular co-host’s departure would be news at any time.  But a co-host’s departure during an election year is huge – especially for a show the New York Times recently dubbed “The most important political TV show in America”.  The first question is why – why is Abby leaving?  The immediate answer is that she’s going to help her father, who is running for governor of Utah.  But then, more tidbits trickled out.  First, who knew that Meghan McCain was pregnant?  Hands?  Anyone?  Apparently, she was pregnant last summer and even wrote a New York Times piece about her miscarriage.  So, bad Billy – I missed this entirely (in my defense, in the summer I am at my most self-involved and promiscuous).  According to sources, Meghan considered Abby’s on-air “child-centric chats” during this difficult time “insensitive”.  While this isn’t the only reason Abby left, the term “toxic work environment” was brought up more than once.  Abby’s dad running for governor may simply be a good excuse.

This leaves us with the bigger question – who will fill the seat?  An election year is not the time for a revolving door of co-hosts.  Friday fill-in Ana Navarro would be a perfect fit, but she won’t relocate to NYC.  Perpetual also-ran, Rachel Campos, has surely already made herself available.  What I believe the show needs is a newswoman.  Of course, Meredith Vieira is the obvious answer.  Diane Sawyer likely doesn’t want to continue being a Barbara Walters stand-in.  But what about ABC’s former golden girl Elizabeth Vargas?  She’d fit in perfectly.  Or, if the show wants to be really edgy, why not reach out to Megyn Kelly?  Replace one Bombshell character with another?

Elsewhere in the Commonwealth, the devastating fires continue to ravage Australia.  As I always say, one of the good things that come out of tragedy is you see the people who rise to the occasion.  And one group that has no problem rising is gay porn stars.  Rocco Steele will send nude photos to anyone who contributes at least $10 to any of the charities helping the victims and firefighters.  Of course, this wasn’t an original idea – female porn star Kaylen Ward did the same thing and has already raised over $1 million.  So, support Rocco…and the bush!

Speaking of bushes, you may bump into Andrew Scott’s if you’re looking for love online.  According to the Daily Mail, the sexy priest from Fleabag has been spotted on Grindr.  Your beloved Billy shrugs his shoulders and says, “So?”  Like, is that news?  A single gay guy is on a cruising app?  There must be more to the story, right?  Wrong – that’s actually the entire story.  In fact, the reporter goes to great pains to say that Scott doesn’t show off his naughty bits on the app.  “I have a copy of the picture and while Andrew is not naked, it is a little too racy to use here.”  You know what I call a non-nude photo that cannot be published?  A mirage!

I’ve waited long enough.  Clearly, I – who has something to say about everything – have something to say about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.  As you know, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have announced plans to step away from their roles as senior royals, will split their time between the UK and North America, and will (eventually) be self-sufficient.  In other words, they no longer want the responsibility and scrutiny that come with being a royal.  We’re told that they made this announcement WITHOUT discussing it with either Harry’s father (Prince Charles) or grandmother (Queen Elizabeth II).  And that was just their first mistake.  One of Meghan’s fiercest critics, Piers Morgan (who was once a close friend), made the following statement: “People say I’m too critical of Meghan Markle.  But she ditched her family, ditched her Dad, ditched most of her old friends, split Harry from William & has now split him from the Royal Family.  I rest my case.”  On the surface, he surely has a point.

But was this completely out of the blue?  After all, we know the transition has not been an effortless one for Meghan – her troubles have been well-documented.  The couple spent Christmas in Canada with her friends (Suits was shot in Toronto, so Meghan has ties there).  Lots of headlines in England state things such as, “Black Britons know why Meghan wants to leave” – presuming the difficulties are ethnic in origin.  I, personally, wouldn’t be surprised if the American angle wasn’t at least a partial factor.  And then we hear that Meghan has already signed a deal with Disney for “an unspecified project in return for a donation to an elephant charity”.  The charity in question is Elephants Without Borders – which I presume is like Doctors Without Borders, but without scalpels.  Why is she doing this Disney project?  What we do know is that some higher-ups at Disney gave her an original Winnie the Pooh watercolor when Archie was born.  Just out of curiosity, what did the queen give her?

Of course, this affects lots of other things connected to the royals.  Hours after Harry and Meghan’s announcement, the couple was taken out of Madame Tussauds’ display of the royal family.  Since the display is of senior members of the royal family – a group Meg and Harry no longer wish to be a part of – they were moved to somewhere more suitable in the facility.  The move was addressed on Tussauds’ official Twitter page: “We’ve got to respect their wishes,” followed by a shrug emoji and the hashtag #Megxit.  On a grander scale, there are the rumors that QEII will step back from her royal duties when she turns 95 in a year and a half.  She would still be Queen, but she may adopt a Regency for Charles to all but rule in her name.  So, big changes are coming to the House of Windsor.