“Should I just start on OnlyFans and show
soft cock in really tight underwear and just
soft cock and retire?  Or just keep trying?’” 
– Pete Davidson weighs his career options.  Well, dozens of women
(including Kardashians) can’t be all wrong.

I must confess, I am not someone who is overly enamored with Madonna.  That’s actually not true – I am a big fan of “classic Madonna”.  You know, from the ‘80s and ‘90s.  Once she picked up that guitar and tried to show off the three chords she learned out of a book, I was kinda done (the cowboy hat didn’t help).  That said, I marvel at her ability to stay relevant these many decades/centuries later.  But I do worry that she’s on the path to turning into someone like Mamie Van Doren, who at 95 is still showing up topless (we’ll get to her in a minute).  She is what some might consider a “cautionary tale” – and a glimpse into what the next 20 years of Madonna will look like.

Madonna was back, front and center, at the recent VMAs.  Looking at stills, I was impressed by how good she looked.  Her face appeared less puffy and pulled than recently, and she almost looked like Madonna.  I watched her performance and thought it went well – unremarkable by her past extraordinary VMA performances, but good enough.  Then I saw her speaking and understood why many felt that she appeared “disoriented” – kinda like Cher attempting to give a Grammy award to the late Luther Vandross.  But Cher is 80.  Madonna is 68 – and I want to say “only 68”.  Still, 68 is no kid, despite being winched and corseted – that poor woman could break a hip!  Still, it wasn’t a cape, and we can all be grateful for that.  For her performance, she was reunited with former beau Tony Ward, who made Madonna look positively youthful!  She was also joined by pals Sabrina Carpenter, Charli XCX, Debi Mazar, Seth Rogen, Julia Garner, and even gay “billionaire” Tristan Schukraft.

Since I mentioned Mamie Van Doren, the former starlet released a memoir called You Thought I Was Dead: My Life of Celebrities, Sex, and Champagne.  Her previous memoir, Playing The Field, came out in 1987 and was a hoot.  That volume was somewhat sanitized because, well, some of the people were still alive!  No such concerns for this volume, which I’m told not only fills in those gaps, but revisits some of her more colorful affairs.  There’s even an extended section about Rock Hudson, who was her date for the 10^th Golden Globe Awards (for reference, the upcoming awards will make the 84^th Globes).  “He came on to me, and in my book I told about having a Crimmins skirt and him getting very passionate and rolling on the kitchen floor.”  I had a puppy who did the same thing when I wore a skirt, but that’s (hopefully) another story!

Viewers were concerned when doyenne Joy Behar was missing from The View last week.  Turns out, Behar had a misstep backstage.  “Joy caught a heel backstage but is on the mend and should be back on the show mid next week,” say her reps.  Due to Whoopi making a movie in the Hamptons, Joy has been moderating the show four times a week (five if you count The Weekend View).  This led to an awkward situation with a gaggle of panelists and no leader.  Sunny Hostin took the helm one day.  Sara Haines, who actually had moderated the show once in the past, stepped up the next day.  And The Weekend View was hosted by the original “Young One”, Debbie Matenopoulos, who was the first host in “View” history to be fired.  He who laughs last, laughs best!