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12 November 2018

“I’m not gonna say that if you vote then I’ll have sex with you
but if you don’t then I can promise you that I won’t.”
  
– 
Gus Kenworthy does his part to get out the vote.  If you didn’t vote, have no fear – he’ll never find out.

I love an election.  Or do I love an erection?  Either way, I’m up for it.  Someone who hoped to get people all hot and bothered was Larry Sinclair.  The name may not ring a bell, nor will the fact that he was running for mayor of Cocoa, Florida.  But you may recall him as the guy whose self-published memoir vividly described a two-day sex romp with former president, Barack Obama.  Oh, he also said they were high on crack at the time.  And Trump thought he cornered the market on “fake news”!  What is real is Sinclair’s police record.  He’s served jail time in Florida, Colorado, and Arizona, and he’s been convicted of forgery, fraud, and larceny.  Forget running for mayor, he should be appointed a Supreme Court Justice!  P.S.  He lost by a landslide.

Speaking of Supreme Court Justices, our thoughts go out to the recuperating Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who broke three ribs outside her office.  If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – those motorized scooters are a death trap!

Meanwhile here in my adopted California, the wildfires are claiming more and more property and lives.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I think we can be thankful for two things: 1) Cher is in Las Vegas and B) Caitlyn Jenner made it out safely.  OK, make that one thing.

As we were working on this column, we heard that The Bachelor mansion was in danger of being engulfed in the flames.  On Saturday, it was reported that the lower house and patio were on fire and the main house was in jeopardy.  Producer Mike Fleiss (cousin to you-know-who) posted “Pray for Malibu – and #TheBachelor Mansion”.  People chastised him for being more concerned about property than people.  He responded, “What part of ‘pray for Malibu’ confuses you idiots?  I live in Malibu!  My heart is broken.  Go fuck yourself!”  Turns out, the mansion survived unscathed.  I suspect Colton the (alleged) Virgin won’t be as lucky.

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I do hate to sound crabby, but if I can’t be crabby, who can?  I’m really disappointed in most of these reboots.  Murphy Brown might as well be filmed in slow motion at an old age home, Roseanne was fine until Roseanne died, and Charmed has no magic.  Perhaps it’s these disappointments that explain my fondness for Dynasty – as long as I don’t compare it to the original.  Last week, Nicollette Sheridan had a great moment when her Alexis popped a potato chip in her mouth after saying, “If you haven’t noticed, Cristals come and go around here.”  We’re barely into season two, and we’re already on our second Cristal.  But wait, there’s more – Steven is out.  The current actor, James Mackay, revealed, “While Steven had a choice to leave, unfortunately I didn’t.”  Executive producer Sallie Patrick was not pleased.  She blames the firing on “notes from the network”, mentioning that “the series just lost its sole queer couple.  Let’s hope Steven’s leave of absence is temporary.”  My sources tell me that the network has an intriguing idea – recast the role.  Why?  Because that’s what they did in the original series. 

Another show poised for a reboot is Ugly BettyMichael Urie (who just opened in the Broadway revival of Harvey Fierstein’s Torch Song), said, “We would absolutely do a revival and if you’re listening, ABC, please make it happen.  You can make one of the characters a Trump supporter if you have to.”

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Remember the proposed Broadway production of Magic Mike – The Musical?  It is still in the works.  Last week there was a development workshop which included a flurry of familiar faces – including Cheyenne Jackson.  I can smell people lining up now.

If you happen to be in the UK, Todrick Hall will be making his West End debut in Chicago.  The YouTube sensation previously did the show on Broadway, and will begin a seven-week run in London on November 19th.

Watch how effortlessly I combine the topics of Broadway musicals and reboots.  You all know that the musical version of The Color Purple is based on the hit film.  Well, we hear that Oprah Winfrey is teaming up with Steven Spielberg to produce a film version of the musical, which was based on the film he directed.  Which, of course, was based on the book by Alice Walker…but let’s not even go there.

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I told you that Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet would be re-teaming for a sequel to Call Me By Your Name.  Recently, Chalamet did an interview with Harry Styles for i-D (don’t ask…I don’t know).  Harry asked, “Can you still eat peaches?”  Oh, that little scamp.  Chalamet said, “Umm I can, but not without thinking about it.”  He also said, “That’s the most awkward scene to see with your parents in the whole world.  My poor father.”  Inexplicably, Styles followed that up with the following quip – “I’m sure he’s done it too.”  Oy!

Most weeks, I’d only have one questionable masturbation story.  But this week, I’ve got two.  John Stamos told Busy Phillipps about going to the sperm bank when he and his wife were doing IVF.  He was led to a little room and my first thought was, “Did someone give him enough tokens?”  Then I realized the little room he was in probably didn’t require tokens…nor did it have a hole in the wall (who are you to judge me?).  John says that he turned on the TV (you know, for stimulation) and what was on?  Fuller House!  “If I’m gonna masturbate to myself, it’s my old self and not the new self.”  He swore the story was true, and actually said, “Hand to God”.  I just hope he washed it first!

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There is not a member of the Grande family who interests me.  But, I know my readers like little Frankie, so here goes.  On Halloween, he announced that he is a part of a throuple.  For those of you not sexually adventurous, that means he’s in a relationship with two people.  What I have learned in my time around the block is that most throuples consist of the actual couple and a third who either doesn’t last long, or takes one member of the couple with him when he leaves.  I suspect this throuple is no different since Frankie revealed his boyfriends are a legally married couple.  I’ll say this for Frankie – he’s nabbed a hot couple.  And they bring something to the table – one’s a doctor, and one’s a lawyer.  When asked what his favorite part of the relationship is, Grande said, “Dick”.  Times two.  With Frankie, I’m sure nobody is waiting for a turn.

Keeping itself marginally relevant, Grey’s Anatomy just added its first gay doctor to the team.  We previously told you about that doctor, played by the very sexy Alex Landi.  Last week, he got to kiss Levi Schmitt – who claimed it was his first same-sex kiss.  So it’s only appropriate that the actor playing Levi, Jake Borelli, made a statement of his own.  “As a gay guy myself, tonight’s episode was so special to me.  This is exactly the kind of story I craved as a young gay kid growing up in Ohio, and it blows my mind that I’m able to bring life to Dr. Levi Schmitt as he begins to grapple with his own sexuality this season on Grey’s Anatomy.”  Did a hot gay guy just use the word “grapple” correctly in a sentence?  I think I just came a little.

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We interrupt this gossip with some breaking news.  Stormy Daniels has just been sainted.  Yes, our beloved Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence have named Stormy Daniels a saint.  The Sisters surprised Stormy at her show at the Penthouse Club in North Beach, and we hear she couldn’t have been more delighted.  And I bet it was a treat for the audience – how many times do you get to motorboat a saint?  No, Mother Teresa doesn’t count.

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Last week, a contestant on The Voice claimed his porno past contributed to his elimination.  What most outlets skipped was that the porn he did was gay porn.  Tyshawn Colquitt says, “I did it when I was going through a rough time.  I got a presidential scholarship, but I didn’t have any money to pay for any type of living expenses, so I couldn’t go to college.  I was trying to do so many different things and it was just not enough.”  So often, amateur gay porn isn’t enough.  In this case, it happened to be amateur gay porn group scenes.  If you’re interested in viewing more of Tyshawn’s body of work, check out BillyMasters.com.

In lieu of a formal Ask Billy question, I’ll address the elephant in the room – yes, we’ve seen Chris Pine’s penis in Outlaw King (although, if you ask me, the flip side is even better).  And speaking of elephants, you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

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When we’re comparing peckers to pachyderms, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  As always you can get your fill of gossip (and other things) at www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s a real peach.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I whip up a yummy cobbler with my leftovers.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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