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18 March 2019

“We don’t rape someone that’s raped; why do we kill someone that’s killed?”  
– 
Governor Gavin Newsom on his decision to put a moratorium on executions in California.

I’m terribly disappointed in Felicity Huffman when it comes to this whole college admissions scandal.  Frankly, I expected more from her.  But since I’m capable of having two contradictory thoughts at the same time, I must also admit that I feel bad for her.  Yes, she did something wrong.  But how can you lump in Huffman’s $15K payment to bump up her daughter’s SAT scores with parents who paid half a MILLION dollars to get their daughters into college?  I have absolutely no respect for Lori Loughlin and designer Mossimo Giannulli – and that was even before this scandal broke.  And before I saw those videos of her bitch daughter who I suspect has done many things with an oar that didn’t include sculling.  But really, Feds?  You send a SWAT team to Felicity’s house at dawn in bulletproof vests to bring her in like she’s El Chapo, while Loughlin blithely flies in from her latest/last Hallmark set in Canada?  Oh, the humanity!  I’m rooting for Felicity to just pay a fine and be done with this.  But Loughlin and Moss should be locked up and forced to watch When Calls the Heart on an endless loop.

Vice President Mike Pence invited the Irish Prime Minister to his home for a Saint Patrick’s Day brunch.  Nothing strange about that – except the Irish Prime Minister, Leo Varadkar, is gay and brought his male partner.  And, of course, Pence has supported conversion therapy.  Maybe it was all a plot – get the Irish gays drunk on beer, corned beef and cabbage, and then try to convert them with Mrs. Pence in a seductive flannel teddy.  If that was the plan, it failed miserably.  Turns out, Pence and Varadkar met last year, and the VP invited Leo and his partner to visit.  So that’s what they did.  Varadkar made a speech about how the world has changed since he was young.  “I stand here leader of my country, flawed and human, but judged by my political actions and not my sexual orientation, my skin tone, gender, or religious beliefs.  And I don’t believe my country is the only one in the world where this story is possible.  It is found in every country where freedom and liberty are cherished.  We are, after all, all God’s children.”  And that, kiddies, is how you do it.  If you end with a bit about God, what’s Pence gonna say?

At roughly the same time as this Irish summit, the Massachusetts House of Representatives voted 147-8 to ban gay conversion therapy on minors.  It now must pass the Massachusetts Senate, but that is said to not be a problem.

There’s yet another related story courtesy of Ben Camille, the host of The X Factor in Malta (a lovely place where I’ve vacationed and highly recommend – just avoid the buses).  Last week, Camille spoke out against conversion therapy after receiving a letter from a fan.  “If you are a boy or a girl and you feel you have not yet come to terms with your own sexuality, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I can’t believe I’m actually saying this but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.  If you’re gay, embrace it.  If you are gay, thank your lucky stars.  As if you are straight, as if you are bisexual.  Thank your lucky stars that you have identified your sexuality.  That you know what it is, because that means you can find love.”  BTW, the very sexy Camille is straight, married to a woman, and has a daughter Elle.  Well, I assume Elle is a daughter – who knows these days!

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Last week, I told you that I got to sit with legendary television producer Norman Lear.  This week, Norman got some bad news.  The reboot of One Day at a Time, featuring a Cuban-American family led by Rita Moreno with a lesbian granddaughter, has been critically acclaimed.  Alas, the ratings have been low, and Netflix announced that the third season will also be the last.  Still, there is some hope.  A grassroots group is trying to get the show picked up – #RenewODAAT.  I suppose it could end up at another network.  The 96-year-old Norman Lear was inconsolable: “At my age, I can testify that you are never too old to have your heart broken.”  ¡Buena suerte!

A couple of weeks ago, we heard lurid allegations about Michael Jackson (all of which I believed).  This week, crazy R. Kelly was in the hot seat.  Speaking of seats, one of his exes said something which caught my eye.  Lisa Van Allen said: “He likes dildos.  I know he likes fingers in the butt with him on all fours.”  She added, “He does like penetration”.  Now, is it just me or does this sound strikingly similar to one of the allegations against MJ?  I’m just thinking – if Jackson had met R. Kelly when he was a little boy, everyone would have had a happy ending.

Have I ever told you about Michael Jackson and Britney Spears?  Allegedly, Michael was a big “fan” of Justin Timberlake, and invited him to visit Neverland – an invitation extended to so many boys before.  This was back in the day, so Justin brought his girlfriend, Britney.  When they arrived at the gate, MJ was told Justin and Britney were there.  He allegedly threw a fit in the house and cried, “Why did he bring HER?”  That anecdote is a way to work into our next story.  Remember that Jackson musical Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough, which was supposed to debut in Chicago?  It’s been pulled, and will be replaced by Once Upon a One More Time – a musical using the music of Miss Britney Spears.  Someone go to Jackson’s crypt and see if it’s spinning!

Hugh Jackman has just signed on to head a revival of The Music Man on Broadway.  The show is scheduled to open on October 22, 2020.  So if you missed out on buying an overpriced ticket to see Jackman on his world concert tour, you can save up and buy an overpriced ticket to see him in a Broadway musical.

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We got a double dose of Jussie Smollett last week.  I must confess, I found the return of Empire as entertaining as ever, and Jussie’s new music outstanding (if not somewhat derivative).  Alas, practically no one was watching.  The ratings drop and Smollett’s issues could lead to FOX cancelling the show.  Meanwhile, Jussie was at the Cook County courthouse, where he plead not guilty.  I guess this means a plea deal ain’t happening.  On the positive side, the judge ruled cameras will be allowed in the courtroom.  So, if Empire is cancelled, Jussie still has a TV gig.

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Lance Bass produced a documentary called The Boy Band Con: The Lou Pearlman Story.  The doc features many members of bands led by the shamed, jailed, and now deceased impresario.  But one name is conspicuously absent.  For years it’s been rumored that Nick Carter got the lion’s share of “attention” from Lou – attention which is said to have scarred him.  He skipped this project, so we won’t hear his story.  We’ll have to settle for Ashley Parker Angel from O-Town, who is best known for long, luxurious footage filmed in the shower – kinda like that previously virginal bachelor.  We’re told Lou had all the unedited footage squirreled away for his own “use”. 

There is a Carter who is in the flick – Aaron Carter.  It’s said that Lou focused on him once Nick started growing pubes.  And, of course, Aaron ain’t one to turn down publicity.  In fact, he posted a photo of himself recently with the following caption: “I think I look fucking great!”  Check him out on our website and decide for yourself.

If Aaron thinks he looks so freaking good, I’ve got a job for him – The Magic Mike Musical is currently holding auditions for men 18-30 “in excellent physical shape”.  They are accepting video submissions that include “a brief pop/rock song not longer than one minute in length that shows off range” (sorry, Aaron) and “a brief contemporary or hip-hop dance clip no longer than two minutes in length that shows off athleticism, technique, and any specialty skills (gymnastics, tumbling, etc.).  No nudity.”  To think I was about to volunteer my services to screen the videos.  You had me, then you lost me.

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We have two stories about unwanted oral attention.  The first comes from Andrew Rannells’ memoirs, where he talks about an encounter with a priest.  “He hugged me tightly.  I felt safe and heard and understood.  Then, with unexpected force, he kissed me.  On the lips.  He muscled his tongue into my mouth and held the back of my head still.  Then he released me and made the sign of the cross on my forehead.  He smiled.”  I don’t want to question Rannells’ veracity, but this entire episode sounds strikingly similar to a scene in The Thorn Birds!

Not to be outdone, Tyler Posey is enjoying Starz’s Now Apocalypse.  Once again, he’s batting for our team.  “I was excited to play a gay character, because I’m really comfortable with my sexuality.”  How comfortable?  “As soon as I committed to the project, I was all in.  I’m shoving my tongue down some dude’s throat, and I don’t know how much else I can say, but we jerked off in the alley in the first episode.  Bring it on.”

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This leads to a very quick Ask Billy question from Morris in NYC: “Tyler Posey is SO hot on Now Apocalypse.  I really wanna see his dick.  I bet he’s packin’.  Has he done a nude scene?”

Not officially.  But, of course, we do have photos of his dick.  We’ve even got a video of it in action – courtesy of an online chat he had where he pleasured himself to climax.  You can do the same on BillyMasters.com.

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When we’re bringing you a pocket full of Posey, it’s time to end yet another column.  You can find all this and more on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always delivers the starz.  If you’ve got a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before someone uses the Lou Pearlman documentary as their Magic Mike audition tape.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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