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20 November 2017

“I can’t wait to shove this up Adam‘s ass!”  
Blake Shelton‘s comment after being named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.  I don’t really
understand all these “straight guys” who are obsessed with ass play.  But, hey, as long as they enjoy it.

Only your beloved Billy would read that sexy Jeremy Jordan blamed his recent hospital stay on Chipotle and think, “Mmmm, that sounds good.”  While I have no symptoms and it’s been a few hours, I am telling you up front that if I don’t make it to the end of this column, you can blame it on a beef burrito bowl with guacamole!

Right after having that questionable bowl, I went to the opening night of Mike Bartlett‘s play King Charles III at the Pasadena Playhouse.  This is without a doubt one of the rare examples of a modern classic.  The characters, the prose (in blank verse), the tone, the action, the provocative story – everything works.  It’s a play that could and should stand the test of time.  But, of course, it won’t.  Why?  Because it’s a future play – what could happen when Queen Elizabeth II dies and Prince Charles becomes King.  While this tantalizing glimpse into possibilities is masterfully constructed, it will be outdated when (if) things don’t turn out as written.  I suppose it could continue as an alternate universe – either way, it’s a gripping evening of theatre.  But what concerns us here is the Pasadena production, which is gloriously unfussy, well-cast, and swift-moving.  It is focused on the characters and never falters.  OK, having the processions lip sync to the pre-recorded dirges and marches was distracting.  But if they simply stopped moving their lips, it would be the perfect production with the perfect cast of the perfect show.  It runs through December 3rd, and you should do whatever you can to grab a ticket at PasadenaPlayhouse.org.

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This week, man has gone where no man has gone before – the first gay kiss in Star Trek history.  Or, more correctly, the first gay kiss in Star Trek history that we’ve seen.  According to John Cho, his Sulu did share a kiss with his male partner in the last film – but it was cut.  That left Star Trek: Discovery to feature the first same-sex lip lock between Anthony Rapp and Wilson Cruz (who basically comes in, says a line or two, and then disappears each episode – but a gig’s a gig).  In case you missed it, you can see the smooching on BillyMasters.com.

In one of the most surprising development deals ever, Emmy Rossum has signed to star in a limited series based on Los Angeles icon Angelyne.  Actually, the series will be based on the investigative report the Hollywood Reporter ran this summer about Ange’s past.  Angelyne did not cooperate with the writer of the article, and she’s not cooperating with the production.  But is she getting a check?  There’s the rub.  As luck would have it, I just saw the real Angelyne on Santa Monica Blvd.  She was running into the Yogurt Stop to use their ladies room and try to sell some memorabilia out of her trunk – a technique perhaps OJ should consider!

In sad news, Hulu cancelled Difficult People.  Forget about Julie Klausner and even Billy Eichner.  But Andrea Martin had a dream role – the scene with Tina Fey was worth the price I should have paid had I not downloaded it illegally.  Perhaps that’s why it’s cancelled!  Anyhoo, all three seasons are online for you to watch – legally!

A middle school teacher in upstate New York has been suspended after she answered some of the kids’ sex questions – like, “What’s a bottom?”.  Oh, to be a fly on the wall.  I only wish I could have asked my 7th grade homeroom teacher that question.  That might have been what finally pushed her over the edge.

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Another week, another crop of sexual assault allegations.  Regarding Ryan Seacrest, you know what they say – there’s no such thing as bad publicity.  I’m sure he can sigh in relief that the allegations came from a female.

More troublesome are the claims against Jeffrey Tambor.  The first was from his former assistant – allegations Tambor “adamantly and vehemently” denied.  Then there was an actress from Transparent who had a similar story.  Intriguingly, both accusers are transgender.  Days later, he quit the show.  “The idea that I would deliberately harass anyone is simply and utterly untrue.  Given the politicized atmosphere that seems to have afflicted our set, I don’t see how I can return to Transparent.”  It should be noted that he didn’t have a contract for next season.

Proving that Anna Wintour actually has a sense of humor, she did an interview in her office with Meryl Streep.  As a Steadicam follows Streep’s arrival, the underlings go through all the paces to make everything just so – just like the beginning of The Devil Wears Prada.  When Meryl arrives, her one Miranda Priestly-esque moment is to toss her jacket and bag to whomever the current Emily is.  Alas, real-life Meryl opts for handing rather than tossing…and she says “Thank you”.  After a sly quip about Streep having played a fictionalized version of Anna, the two have a perfectly civil chat about Meryl’s latest project, The Post, in which she plays journalist Katharine Graham, who Anna knew.  It’s really quite intriguing, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

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While you’re there, you may want to check out Aaron Carter‘s remarkable physical transformation.  Since coming out and admitting he has an eating and drug disorder, he’s been getting help.  To illustrate his journey, we’re going to bring you a word problem which may turn up on a future SAT.  Aaron started out looking super tanned, really ripped, sporting an 8-pack, and was obviously way too skinny at 115.  Then he lost his dad, a sister, the definition and the tan – but gained 30 pounds.  He stopped talking to his brother, cut his hair, and was up to 160 pounds.  From where his journey began, how much weight did Aaron gain?  OK, pencils down…and put your abacus away.  Aaron gained a total of 45 pounds.  If you got that right, you may qualify to get into your local community college.

Speaking of sizes, Kathy Griffin has once again gone after Andy Cohen – and this time her target is the size of his package.  In a recent Tweet, she shared an e-mail she received from someone currently living in Croatia who claims to have had a one-night stand with Andy back in college – no, not in Croatia.  Forrest (last name suppressed) says, “Andy Cohen is a little guy.  I happen to be 6 feet tall.  He rather assertively had his way with me.  It was very one-sided.”  In other words, he confirmed what Anderson Cooper already told us – that Cohen’s a top.  “By the way,” Forrest adds, “Andy is a small guy, not just in height.”  Kathy sums it up with, “Do you know me now, b*tch?”

Andy Cohen recently had Rosie O’Donnell and Joy Behar on Watch What Happens Live, which was a riveting interview.  Seeing the two former View co-hosts together was fascinating – particularly in the After Show when Joy interrogated Rosie about the fight with Elisabeth Hasselbeck and why Ro really left The View.  Her illuminating comments are required viewing, on BillyMasters.com.

Speaking of The View, within days of original co-host Star Jones announcing her engagement, ex-hubby Al Reynolds made an announcement of his own.  “I have come to a point in my life where I am ready to discuss my truth.  I wasn’t ready to do this then.  I wasn’t even ready to think about it, let alone process it.  I have learned that sexual orientation is not binary, at least not for me.  I am capable of loving both sexes, and I have done both.  Today, I accept myself as a bisexual man.”  The only thing shocking about that is the “bi” part!  Less shocking is that he was like a giddy girl when he posed for photos with that other bi-guy, Aaron Carter.

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Sarah Hyland has gone public with her views on the role she plays on Modern Family.  Someone Tweeted, “Haley Dunphy is bisexual…@Sarah_Hyland please confirm??”  She did.  “I don’t know what the writers would say?  But I confirm.”  Later she said, “Just to clarify, I haven’t been told nor is there anything written that would indicate Haley is bisexual.  That’s just my personal opinion.”  None of the creative people have weighed in, but Hyland’s onscreen dad, Ty Burrell, has.  “I would support it 100%.”  Since Sarah’s initial Tweet, she’s backpedaled a bit.  “Maybe I used the wrong word.  Maybe she’s not bisexual – she’s bi-curious,” although she added, “Haley, for sure, experimented in college – are you kidding me?”  Like Al Reynolds experimented with Star!  P.S.  In real life, Hyland is dating Bachelorette cutie, Wells Adams.

You know who else came out as bisexual?  Tyler Posey.  OK, not exactly Tyler Posey, but the character he plays on Jane the Virgin.  His character, Adam, tells Jane (the virgin), “I had a boyfriend in our school when everyone was experimenting, and another in Fort Green when everyone wasn’t.”  For those of you playing at home, that’s two boyfriends.  But that’s just his character, right?  Well…let’s not be too hasty.  After all, he’s previously admitted to being on Grindr – and how many straight men can say that?  Hands?  Well, it’s really not a fair question – how many straight men are reading this column?  But how many straight men have seen Posey’s penis?  Again, I see no hands – although they may be otherwise engaged.  Since Tyler has said he doesn’t care that his nudes (and the videos) fell into our hands, why not share them with you – on BillyMasters.com.

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When we’ve rung around Rosie to a pocket full of Posey, it’s definitely time to end another column.  As we close, time to pay respects to another legendary lady.  Ann Wedgeworth, best known from Three’s Company and Evening Shade, was my kinda gal.  Rest in peace.  As we enter the holiday season, the most ho, ho, ho’s can be found on www.BillyMasters.com, the site that’ll require the use of both hands.  After washing them, feel free to reach out to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my next Chipotle run!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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