I almost hate to write more about Finding Prince Charming.  The gay bachelor show just premiered and, well, there’s no easy way to say it – people hated it.  But I went into it extremely open – kinda like so many men went into the star, Robert Sepulveda.  The show is supposed to be like The Bachelor, but it’s more like Flavor of Love.  It just has a cheap, trashy quality about it.  It’s badly produced, badly directed, badly cast, and badly executed.  Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?  Writer Dan Savage published some tips on how to improve the show – but unlike my tips, nowhere on his list are the words “mass suicide” or Kool-Aid!

Lance Bass is a genial-enough host, but he’s had no real-world experience dating as a private person…or, for that matter, as an openly gay person.  And he has no idea how average gay men date.  As to Sepulveda, he has what I like to call a “hooker mentality”.  A good hooker finds out what someone wants and gives it to them.  There’s nothing particularly genuine or engaging about him.  He’s so intent on wanting everyone to like him that he’s constantly in salesman mode.  And when he’s not, he’s like some medicated Stepford wife.  I suppose if you want that in a spousal equivalent, he’s your guy…until you get the bill!  As for the contestants, they’re so preoccupied with how they will be perceived that none of them is showing any personality – with the exception of the flamboyant Robby, who clearly has his eyes on life after the show.  The hairdresser from Provincetown previously appeared on Tabatha’s Salon Takeover where he talked endlessly about chignons – although he had a devil of a time actually doing one.  He’s fetching, feisty, fun, and far too fabulous to end up with Sepulveda.

Rather than giving out a rose, this suitor gives out a black tie – thus, calling the eliminations “black tie affairs”, which is just dumb.  Robert asks each contestant to “please step forward” – sometimes he does it in a pseudo-butch way by saying “Get up here”.  They make some awkward, banal chit-chat, and then he asks, “Will you wear this tie?”  Who writes this stuff?  Robert then has to gingerly put the tie over the contestants’ hair without mussing it, and tighten it without choking them.  And when he does eliminate someone (“Tonight, you’re not gonna get a tie”), sometimes there’s no hug, no handshake, not even a walk to the car.  It’s very “Get out” – kinda like a trick who spent the night and doesn’t take a hint.  Methinks he’s had loads of practice.

Speaking of loads, let me take issue with something Sepulveda said once his colorful past as an escort was exposed – because, unlike Matt Lauer, I fact-check.  “There are stories that I did porn.  I never did porn.  There is a video circulating out there that I shot privately and sent to an ex-boyfriend.  It feels so violating that someone would take something so private and share it with the world.  I want to work to make sure there are laws protecting people from similar situations.  It’s just not right.”  Is he talking about the video of him jerking off while standing?  Or the video of inserting a shampoo bottle into his anus?  Maybe it’s the one of him playing with a 14-inch dildo.  Come to think of it, he’s probably talking about the video of him blindfolded while drinking out of a used condom – because that’s clearly the most romantic one.  But perhaps it’s the previous video with him opening an envelope from a “client” who sent him the condom (and you can see them all for yourself on BillyMasters.com).  He also says he became an escort because “the small furniture store I was working at suddenly went out of business.  I didn’t know how I was going to pay rent or my tuition or buy food.”  So, instead of getting a job at Burger King where customers can have it their way, he decided to escort and use the same slogan.  I’m not condemning him – but don’t make it like the only option you had was to be a $250-an-hour hooker.