Teens Attack Grande

“I will be dating Pete Davidson next.”
Dionne Warwick Tweets she’ll be the next woman in Davidson’s long list of ex-paramours. 
Davidson’s former SNL co-star Jay Pharoah says Pete told him the secret of his success. 
“Bro, it’s like nine inches.”  I don’t know what’s more shocking – the alleged size,
or that we finally found someone who uses the term “Bro”!

I don’t think anyone will be surprised to hear that I had no interest in purchasing Taylor Swift tickets.  In fact, I’d swiftly change the channel if I saw her on my television!  But, I do have nieces, and they wanted to see Swifty.  So, being a good guncle, I gave them my Citibank card so that they could access the advance sale.  Several frustrating hours on Ticketmaster only led to disappointment.  And, Taylor felt their pain.  “Well, it goes without saying that I’m extremely protective of my fans,” she said, unconvincingly.  “I’m not going to make excuses for anyone…” she said, before making numerous excuses.  “It’s truly amazing that 2.4 million people got tickets, but it really pisses me off that a lot of them feel like they went through several bear attacks to get them.”  I thought the only people who felt like they went through bear attacks for Taylor Swift are people who’ve dated her!

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Just a few hours before I began writing this week’s column, I was bragging that I have never once been accosted on the street – despite stumbling home in the wee small hours of the morning down deserted thruways in numerous large and small cities around the world.  Then I heard about Frankie Grande’s harrowing experience in the Big Apple.  He was attacked by two teenagers brandishing what turned out to be a fake gun.  He was reportedly strolling down Eighth Avenue when they punched him in the back of the head and stole his Louis Vuitton handbag.  Well, there you have it – I am rarely strolling, and almost never with a handbag.  Not that I’m making fun of him – nobody deserves to be assaulted or mugged.  That it happened around dusk on a Wednesday afternoon near Times Square is curious, to say the least.  The assailants were later apprehended when they attempted to use Frankie’s credit card at an arcade.  Turns out, they are 13 and 17.  Let that be a lesson to all of you – muggers aren’t always hot Nigerian bodybuilders!

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