As I sat down to write you, an alarm on my phone went off.  Today is the 28^th anniversary of my very first column.  Yes, this is the 1,456^th column I have written.  Me.  Who never liked to write a short essay on the book I read.  Of course, that’s probably because I never read the book!  I have churned out over two MILLION words.  I don’t want to get cocky, but if I were being paid by the word, I’d be a wealthy man.  Alas, I’m paid by the column, so I’m just a man of average means and above-average experience…translation, I’m poor, but I’ve been around.  Would I trade it all for a few million?  You bet your ass.  Instead, I’ve simply had your ass.  You’re welcome.

On a day like today, I like to look back at that first column.  Sure, our first story about Geffen and Keanu set the tone.  But who remembers that the second item was about Catherine Deneuve?  Or that there was a lesbian publication called Deneuve?  Apparently I was into literature back then, because there was also an item about Ethan Hawke doing a reading from his new novel in Provincetown.  In a bit of amusing prose, I said that Hawke “makes Jackie Collins look like Papa Hemingway!”  And you wonder how I’ve been able to remain relevant for almost three decades! 

When I’m willing to save a horse by riding a cowboy, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  You know what I think?  I think it’s time for an Anniversary Sale.  So while you’re reading the column for free (the column is always free), you can see all our bonus features and racy content if you become a member of www.BillyMasters.com – the site that fulfills your every fantasy.  Of course, the real me is always available for questions, compliments, and canoodling.  Simply drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before I need a geriatric doctor (right now, I’m doing fine with burlesque dancers).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.