You’ve all heard about Rose Hanbury, right?  The woman Prince William allegedly had an affair with?  As if the Royal Family doesn’t have enough problems.  Meanwhile, Kate Middleton is in an undisclosed location (probably with Shelly Miscavige), recovering from God-only-knows what.  How many of you believe that on her way to the throne, Princess Kate took an online Photoshopping course.  Hands?  I didn’t think so.  But I’m supposed to believe that in the middle of a medical crisis, the future Queen of England decided to do some digital manipulation on a photo of her and her kids – a photo where she’s not sporting a ring.  And she’s able to edit photos, why can’t she release a video statement?  Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, Macduff!  “But who is Rose Hanbury?” I can hear you wistfully crying.  She is the Marchioness of Cholmondeley – an explanation that sheds virtually no light on the situation.  She’s a former model, married to David Rocksavage, and has three kids… presumably with her husband.  Her grandmother was one of Queen Elizabeth’s bridesmaids.  A while back, some of the more scurrilous British rags broke the affair rumors, pointing out that there is a long tradition of British monarchs having mistresses.  True or not, the rumors resurfacing at this time coincide with Kate’s mysterious absence.

Watch this seamless transition.  Believe it or not, the Oscars were only a week ago.  I remember, because we waited to publish this column in case something gossip-worthy happened.  Turns out, the gossip happened days earlier.  Members of Prince Harry’s court got in touch with Elton John asking for an invite to the singer’s iconic Oscars-viewing party.  The answer received was a terse, “No”.  Turns out, Elton harbors some anger ever since Harry questioned some comments in John’s autobiography – all of which turns out to be hilarious in light of Harry’s casual relationship with facts in his own memoir.  The two had been lumped in with other notable persons in a suit against the publisher of the Daily Mail.  Harry dropped his portion of the suit after allegedly being paid a substantial sum of money.  Integrity, you see, cannot be bought.  But it can be rented…for the right price.

I really don’t know what to say about Al Pacino.  This is one of those “he says/nobody says” controversies that could only be solved by Robert Stack.  In case you missed it, Pacino was the last presenter at the Academy Awards and ambled onstage with all the panache of an unmade bed.  After some forgettable comments, he simply announced that the winner of Best Picture was Oppenheimer.  No list of nominees or producers.  No formalities.  Just, Oppenheimer, and see ya.  True, he didn’t proclaim La La Land, but still…  Most people chalked it up to Al being somewhat bewildered.  However, Pacino explains that he did not botch the assignment – he simply was following orders.  “There seems to be some controversy about my not mentioning every film by name last night before announcing the Best Picture award.  I just want to be clear it was not my intention to omit them, rather a choice by the producers not to have them said again since they were highlighted individually throughout the ceremony.  I was honored to be a part of the evening and chose to follow the way they wished for this award to be presented.”  His explanation seems to hinge on the presumption that the awards show was running long.  Problem is that host Jimmy Kimmel had just said that they were ahead of schedule.  Producers have remained mum on the subject – and I would expect them to either continue that tacit solution or to back up what the legendary star said.  Personally, I suspect we have an Elizabeth Taylor Gladiator situation on our hands.