If there’s one thing you can count on before a presidential election, it’s the dreaded October Surprise.  And, let’s face it, the entire West Wing being infected with the coronavirus is one helluva surprise!  I am going to ask you all to do something that you won’t want to do – please say a prayer for the health of our president.  In truth, I am not completely convinced El Presidente actually has the coronavirus.  But dying or being too sick to run is an elegant way to bow out of an election he’d likely lose.  Or perhaps poor Melania will expire, and the president will be too overtaken with grief to go on.  Whatever the scenario is, I suggest that both Mr. and Mrs. Trump sleep with one eye open.  Because who gets the most out of Trump bowing out?  Mike Pence, who becomes the nominee.  And in that scenario, everyone who was going to vote for Trump will vote for Pence.  Every Republican Trump pissed off who was going to sit out the election will vote for Pence.  All those Undecideds will vote for Pence.  Even conservative Democrats will vote for Pence.  And you know what happens during a Pence presidency?  Let me give you a hint – pack a Speedo and copious amounts of sunscreen, because all us gays are gonna be carted off to an island.

You might be surprised to see Eric Trump on that island.  Yes, the intellectually challenged spawn of our Commander in Chief came out on FOX & Friends.  Here is the direct quote: “The LGBT community, they are incredible.  And you should see how they come out in full force for my father every single day.  I’m part of that community, and we love the man.”  Shortly thereafter, Eric had to issue a retraction saying that he isn’t technically a member of the community.  “To clarify, many of our close friends are part of the LGBT community, which was the intent of my statement…As to me personally, as I think you know, I am a happily married man to my wife, Lara.”  And gays everywhere let out a sigh of relief.

The last person you’d expect to be dragged into all of this is Queen Elizabeth II.  My God, can’t they leave that poor old woman alone?  It all started when Prince Harry and Meghan released a video many feel endorses Joe Biden.  Harry said, “As we approach this November, it’s vital that we reject hate speech, misinformation and online negativity”.  Sure sounds like he’s describing Trump, although it should be noted that neither candidate is named.  The problem with this is two-fold: 1) the royal family is supposed to be apolitical and b) Harry and Meghan are no longer technically royals.  The UK tabloids say the Queen should punish Harry and Meghan – as if throwing them out of the country wasn’t enough.  Don’t be so quick to believe British press.  One rag insists Harry asked QEII to move in with them.  Yeah, Lizzie is leaving Buckingham Palace to stay in Harry’s spare bedroom over the garage!