Let’s turn to a domestic TV host, Kelly Ripa. Actually, we’re turning to her sexy hubby, Mark Consuelos. Certainly Mark is too old for the Schofield chaps, but he’s perfect for me. Recently, Mark went to work out with his Italian soccer team. Let me stop right there, because I know what you’re thinking. Yes, Mark and Kelly are co-owners of an Italian soccer team. Strike that – two Italian soccer teams! Campobasso 1919 and Ascoli FC. I know all about these teams because…well, I slept with a lot of athletes in Italy. Mark was working out with one of his two soccer teams and got injured. I believe the explanation was that someone pulled his groin – but my Italian is rusty. While he was being inspected by the doctor (at least they said he was a doctor), Mark’s crotchal area had to be digitally scrambled because when an Italian soccer player pulls your groin, it shows – regardless of how straight you are! A more recent headline said, “Mark Consuelos strips down to a wrestling singlet to get pummeled by a college jock.” Where do I sign up to see that, you may ask? Happily, the footage of Consuelos opposing “the most dominant wrestler in college” does not disappoint – and you can see it on BillyMasters.com.