When does “no questions asked” not mean “no questions asked”?  When it’s about Lady Gaga’s dogs.  I really hate to think that there’s someone out there who hasn’t been following this story.  But, because I specialize in full service, let me fill you in.  Last Wednesday, Lady Gaga’s Hollywood dog walker Ryan Fischer was out walking her three French Bulldogs – Koji, Gustav, and Asia…and may I pause for a moment to note that none of those names sounds even remotely French.  During their walk, two Black men wearing hoodies jumped out of a white Nissan Altima.  One of the assailants shot him in the chest, while the other made off with the three dogs.  But, not so fast…Miss Asia proved to be too much of a handful, so she escaped unharmed and stayed with Ryan.

Meanwhile, Lady Gaga was in Italy.  Since this all happened at 10PM Pacific, it was about 7AM the next morning in Italy.  And Gaga was devastated – not so devastated that she didn’t show up to work on the film Gucci…‘cause, a gig’s a gig.  She promptly offered a $500K reward for the safe return of her little babies – “No questions asked”.  She added, “I continue to love you Ryan Fischer, you risked your life to fight for our family.  You’re forever a hero.”  BTW, Ryan is expected to make a full recovery.  But, wait, there’s more!  Within 48 hours, a woman came forward…with the two dogs!  Allegedly, she found them tied to a pole.  But, you know, “No questions asked” means she wants her reward.  While police say she doesn’t appear to have been involved, this whole incident sounds eerily like a storyline on The Nanny.  They solved that case because of an ice cream truck playing Barbra Streisand songs.  In this instance, I say that the woman should get the reward.