I am proud – almost giddy – to admit I have never watched an episode of Big Brother.  And, no, I don’t believe Celebrity Big Brother counts.  But I do have friends who not only watch, but have photos of each contestant and handicap alliances as if they were OTB.  When I heard there was a hot guy that got gay tongues wagging…well, what kind of big dog would I be not to follow?  Then I found out the hunk hails from Boston.  Oh, sure, Tucker Des Lauriers now lives in Brooklyn, but he’s a Boston boy – and was raised by a gay father!  In fact, he was discovered at 15 when he caught the attention of Bruce Weber during a family vacation in Provincetown.  Take that all in.  He goes out of his way to defend Weber, saying he’s been “nothing but professional and helpful.”  Tucker is now 30 years old, has a 30-inch waist, and a 33-inch inseam.  Well, now you’ve got me interested – and we’ve got some photographic proof on BillyMasters.com to back it up.  And, trust me – this is worth backing up on.  He was recently asked about his most vocal group of fans.  “Definitely gay men, for sure.  And I just think that they’re naturally more aggressive too, so yeah.  Definitely a lot more aggressive.”  Enough said.

This leads into one of my favorite Ask Billy question in weeks.  Henry in New York writes, “This may seem like a silly question, but what do you know about Kirill in the Car Shield commercials?  He’s so freaking hot.”

Henry, there are no silly questions.  Sure, Kirill may be dumb as a stump (or however you say it in Russian), but you give me a hot guy who knows the exchange rate between US Dollars and Russian Rubles, and I’m all in…literally.  I texted Vivica – ‘cause that’s what I do – but she doesn’t recall ever meeting Kirill.  So I was on my own.  I did some digging and came up with a shocking discovery – Kirill might not actually exist!  In the TV commercial, he’s billed as “Kirill C.” – an actual Car Shield customer for 7 years who has saved over $9K.  But in a longer online version of his testimonial, he is called “Kirill K”.  And in the description, he’s referred to as “Kirill P”.  Even allowing for shoddy translation from Cyrillic letters, I’m wondering if he might be some kinda bot.  I’m also not entirely convinced I wouldn’t be willing to accept whatever virus he’s peddling.

When there’s a Russian bot I can get behind, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  This begs the question – where are the US bot makers with people like Chad, Lance and Chip?  We’re falling behind and mark my words, the next war will be waged by AI incarnations.  And, frankly, I believe Kirill could whip Lance’s butt – and I bet Lance would enjoy it.  If that footage leaks, you’ll find it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s inciting artificial wars because I’m bored with real people.  If you think you could pique my interest, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and make an indecent proposal.  Heck, even a decent one would be nice.  Either way, I’ll get back to you before JoJo Siwa gives birth to a McNugget!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.