Faithful fans know it’s time for Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions.  Literally for decades, I’ve been sharing some of my favorite things that I think would make the perfect gifts.  My advice is free.  But since I’m not on television, I’m not giving anything away.  Because I love a book, I heartily recommend Cher: The Memoir.  Since this is only Part One, this is a practical gift.  Next year, you can give Part Two as a gift (assuming Cher finishes it in time).  And if your special someone isn’t a reader, that’s OK.  Neither is Cher.  Buy the audio book!

I know it’s too early to say this, but I bet our next gift suggestion will be my favorite of the entire year.  I recently told you about a Netflix holiday film called The Merry Gentlemen – about some chick who puts on a male strip show to save her hometown theatre.  None of that is important – all that matters is that you get to see Chad Michael Murray at his physical prime in as little clothing as possible.  What could be better that that?  Getting to do that all year long.  Admittedly, it didn’t do much for Sophia Bush, but it sure perked up my “spirits”.  If your loved one is similarly inclined, get them the first ever Chad Michael Murray Calendar.  My fingers are still singed at how hot the photos are.  I can’t even pick a favorite.  February features a heart on his heart.  But there’s June’s barely-there graduation gown, October’s perfect pumpkins.  And I believe what he does with a turkey baster in November is illegal in four states!  A portion of CMM’s proceeds go to St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.  Listen to Billy – drop everything and head on over to CMMSignature.shop.  It’s even autographed.  You can thank me later.

And this beautifully leads to our Ask Billy question on a related topic.  Don in Miami writes, “I just watched Hot Frosty.  Who is that guy?  I know I’ve seen him before.  Is he gay?  Does he ever wear clothes??”

First things first – Hot Frosty is also a Netflix holiday film which finds Lacey Chabert bringing a snowman to life with a cell phone.  Really, that’s what happens.  Let’s forget about the fast that he’s an anatomically correct snowman who’d be nude if it weren’t for that damn scarf!  All the better to show off his ripped torso and zero-percent body fat.  Well, what do snowmen eat anyway?  Water?  Carrots?  How many carbs are in coal?  The sexy snowman is played by Dustin Milligan (who is straight and has been with actress Amanda Crew for 14 years), who you probably remember from Schitt’s Creek.  In this flick, his character is creatively called Jack Snowman.  It’s part holiday fantasy, part romcom, and part gay porn.  Yes, I scanned enough to know it requires some intense, private viewing.  Naturally you can see the most salient scenes on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re fantasizing about a snowman, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column.  I know they say sexuality is fluid, but this is ridiculous!  Still, it does bring up another question – how do you jack a snowman?  I suppose you start with the icicles, carefully cup the snowballs, and always wear your mittens.  You know – safety first.  And that brings up a helpful hint from my colorful past – ChapStick does not make an effective lubricant.  For more tips, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that promises a smooth ride.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Dustin Milligan comes out with his own calendar!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.