“If any young people are watching, at a certain point in your
life, you will become the people you used to make fun of. 
And that’s what we’ve become.”
– Anderson Cooper during his New Year’s Eve telecast with Andy Cohen.

I dunno how it took 29 years of columns and scores of Hallmark movies for me to finally recognize the truth in something I’ve said for years – you CAN’T have it all.  People tell you that you can, but let me tell you the first truth of the New Year.  Life is full of hard choices.  If you really want one thing, you must miss out on something else.  If you want to lie on the beach, you cannot be in Antarctica.  Take it from me…and Lacey Chabert.

Let’s make that my New Year’s resolution – to tell you the absolute truth…as often as humanly possible.  So here’s one – for the first time in decades, I did not ring in the New Year with a Lindsay Wagner movie.  That’s because Miss Wagner didn’t make a movie this year.  I ran into this problem last year, when I reached out to the producer of When Jack Came Back – a film that hadn’t yet come out (it can now be seen on Tubi).  I was one of the first people who got to see Lindsay playing a mother with Alzheimer’s.  How many of her dozens of fans around the world can say that?

Speaking of ailing parents, the news is not good from Casa Masters.  It started a few months ago with Big Daddy.  Now Big Mama is laid up.  And you know who picks up the slack…among other things?  Yours truly.  You know what a crimp this puts into my sex life?  “What’s that beeping?  That’s just Mama’s life support, baby.  Does it turn you on?  No, that steady noise doesn’t mean anything!”  It’s been hell!  I certainly don’t begrudge them the care and attention they deserve.  And I certainly don’t wish them ill.  But lately I’m starting to envy Conan O’Brien.

Patti LuPone hosted a swanky New Year’s Eve shindig with a number of queer (and queer-adjacent) guests.  Folk like Randy Rainbow, Cole Escola, and…wait a minute – was that Nicole Scherzinger?  Yes, the former Norma Desmond and the current Norma Desmond joined forces for a spirited rendition of “Auld Lang Syne” – complete with at least two-and-a-half part harmony.  That they didn’t duet on “The Perfect Year” is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity lost forever.  At least they toasted each other with Norma’s last line from act one of Sunset Blvd – which you can see on BillyMasters.com.  BTW, after their duties on CNN, both Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen slipped into the soirée – at least I think it was a soirée they slipped into.

By the by, Patti is everywhere.  After enjoying a scenery-chewing role on Agatha All Along, we hear La LuPone will be featured on several episodes of And Just Like That… – whenever that long-awaited third season drops.