Luigi Mangione was back in the news.  First there was word that he once posted on Twitter about having a “pretty huge dick”.  Maybe he spent some time in New Hampshire!  Now we hear he enjoyed being watched while having intimate relations, and there are “at least 20 videos of him having sex”.  Someone who claims to have seen the footage says, “It wasn’t just some grainy, late-night mistake.  It was perfect lighting, everything.”  How titillating.  Alas, the titillation also has real tits.  “A lot of the girls are too afraid to come forward or tell anyone for free they might get dragged into his case somehow.”  For the record, I’d let him drag me anywhere.

We don’t hear much about Armie Hammer, and that truly saddens me.  But on his Armie HammerTime podcast (take that in, people), he claims to have been attracted to his impression of the gay lifestyle.  “I’m at a restaurant, my phone blows up and it’s like Grindr, and like someone else is like, ‘I’m at the same restaurant.  Do you want a blow job in the bathroom.  And you’re like, ‘Hey guys, I’ll be back in five minutes.  You get up and you go to the bathroom, you get a blow job, you come back, and you’re like, ‘What was that?’  ‘I don’t know – some guy just sucked my dick.’  It’s like, ‘Who?’  It’s like, ‘Oh, I don’t know – I didn’t get his name.  Anyway, what did you order?’”  Well sure, Armie, when you put it like that, it all sounds so romantic.  But not always. 

Armie decided to give being gay a try.  “I remember I met this dude, handsome, French, you know – the whole thing.  I was like okay, this could work, this could work.  Let’s try this.  I just remember being like, God, beards – like women like it when you shave like this is fucking rough.  I remember I put my arms around him and I was like, oh my God and these shoulders are so wide.  He’s so big, like he’s almost my height…It did physically for me absolutely nothing.  Nothing, like not even a twitch.  I was like okay and then I remember like we were like making out and it was kind of like getting hotter and heavier but I was like going through the motions like not feeling anything.  And then he like reached for my dick.  I was like, ‘This is not going to happen, I’m sorry.’”  You know what I got out of this story, Armie?  You simply tried being gay with the wrong guy.  Maybe if you were with someone a bit less scruffy with a slighter frame, it might have worked.  If you want me to meet you in a restaurant bathroom, I guarantee I can do more than give you a twitch!