OH MY GOD!  You write a column, you send it off to the proofers, and then everything changes in a matter of seconds.  I’d love to blame crazy Faye Dunaway and doddering Warren Beatty.  But apparently they were given an envelope that said, “Best Actress – Emma Stone for La La Land“.  Warren didn’t know what to do, he looked at Faye (not known for being fast on her feet), and she said, La La Land.  Everyone from that film is giving speeches, my column is done, and – oh, wait – Jimmy Kimmel comes out to say there was a mistake.  Warren explains what happened and the Best Picture is really Moonlight.  Meanwhile, where the fuck is Faye?

I have a few other Oscar observations.  I found Jimmy Kimmel quite entertaining.  I loved seeing Shirley MacLaine rock out to Justin Timberlake.  Who knew Caitlyn Jenner had anything to do with the OJ documentary?  I could watch Meryl Streep eat Junior Mints all day.  You know Jennifer Aniston wants her sunglasses back.  I’m SO glad Zsa Zsa made the In Memoriam cut – although I’m sure someone wanted to put quotes around the term “actress”.  Honorary Oscar winner Lynn Stalmaster was the first casting director to pass on me.  That didn’t stop me from making a pass on his son, Lincoln.  Due to sealed court documents, I can’t say anything more – except when they call it a “gag order”, they ain’t kidding!

In what continues an unprecedented string of weekly nude celebrity videos, this week’s Ask Billy question comes from Stan in Los Angeles: “Do you have Danny Wood‘s video?  I’ve seen some of the stills, but the clip has been deleted from everywhere I’ve checked.”

Because I know some of you are wondering, “Who the hell is Danny Wood?”, he’s a member of NKOTB – otherwise known to those of us over 40 as New Kids on the Block.  Last week, a video of him sitting back in a chair and masturbating while chatting online with someone surfaced.  Why well-known people do this is a mystery to moi – I would never be so foolhardy.  Once the video leaked, Danny got his people to have it squelched by threatening to sue.  But I laugh in the face of such threats.  I laughed at Colin Farrell, so I’m certainly laughing at Danny Wood – and that’s a lot of wood to laugh at, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When Judy Garland died in 1969, she was buried in Ferncliff Mausoleum in Hartsdale, New York. That decision was made by her then-husband Mickey Deans.  However, all of the Garland–Minnelli–Luft kids live in Southern California and had no interest in spending eternity in Westchester County. After years of negotiations, Judy was moved from Crypt 31, Unit 9 at Ferncliff to what is now being called the Judy Garland Pavilion at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. This cannot be good news for one big fan from California. A few years ago, he made a pilgrimage to Garland’s grave and found out that an adjacent plot was available. He paid $15,500 so he could be buried by his idol.  Perhaps he can get a spot near the Pavilion!

Speaking of Garland, there’s a new book coming out that contains explosive details about her life. Third husband Sid Luft had not finished his memoirs when he died in 2005.  Although their marriage ended in divorce in 1965, Sid is described as “chief conservator of the Garland legacy until his death”. The manuscript, Judy and I: My Life with Judy Garland, has been completed and will be released on March 1st.  In it, Sid discusses Judy being molested by Munchkins, her drug and alcohol abuse, her numerous suicide attempts, and other juicy tidbits.

Last week, The Sun in London wrote an exposé about a 23-year-old male nurse who did gay porn under the name Drake Law.  The story, which had the headline “Naughty But Nurse“, had no angle other than to sound salacious (and who am I to chastise them for that).  It’s not like the nurse was doing rounds in assless chaps or giving enemas to unsuspecting passersby.  It seems Drake did bareback porn while he was in nursing school – kinda like Robert Sepulveda turned tricks to put himself through the longest college career in history! The Sun was lambasted for their covert investigation, which included candid snaps of the nurse doing errands around his house.  Within hours, the story disappeared from the rag’s website – although, as we know, nothing truly disappears on the Web.

Did you have a happy Valentine’s Day? Colton Haynes did.  And he went public with news that he’s got a boyfriend.  PHEW – and we were all so worried about him!  Because I know you’re interested, Colton’s beau is Jeff Leatham – and if you’re anything like me, what you read was “Jeff Leatherman“!  Can’t you just see Colton lying in a sling with a ball gag in his mouth? Leatham is a florist.  His bio (you didn’t expect Haynes to be dating someone without a bio, did you?) says, “Jeff has been creating a sensation with his floral designs and installations since he first began working with flowers at the Four Seasons Hotel in Beverly Hills.” Now I’m thinking Jeff is the one with the ball gag!

Yet another perfect segue into an Ask Billy question.  Patrick in Texas writes, “What ever happened to that James Franco movie about XY magazine?  That hot boy from Teen Wolf was in it.  Did it ever come out??”

I Am Michael played a few film festivals and got a little buzz.  But, like most James Franco movies, it was considered too uneven and artsy.  It turned up OnDemand a week or two ago, so you can check it out there.  I suspect most of you will be specifically interested in the three-way scene between Franco, Zachary Quinto and Charlie Carver.  Since it’s worth seeing, I’ll post it on BillyMasters.com.

In short order, little Garrett Clayton appeared as Brent Corrigan in King Cobra and headlined NBC‘s live presentation of Hairspray.  Now he’s sharing the stage with Judith Light and Al Pacino!  The Pasadena Playhouse is hosting a developmental run of a new play about Tennessee Williams called God Looked Away.  Pacino, naturally, is playing Tenn.  Garrett has been cast as his “rental companion”.  Needless to say, while costumes are not necessarily mandatory, acting chops are.  We hear that Clayton gets to flex his thespianistic muscles, while showing off some of his more superficial ones – and does so with aplomb.  The play runs through March 19th, but you can get a glimpse of him in action on BillyMasters.com.

A French-Cuban gay porn star recently ran into trouble at Ben Gurian Airport in Israel.  Ibrahim Moreno (no relation to Rita) flew to Tel Aviv to “perform” in a club.  Moreno claims that he was targeted when entering the country because of his Muslim name.  “Believed the worst would have happened but, no…it was only a sign of what would come later.”  When it was time to fly home, Ibrahim was detained for close to three hours and interrogated by four customs officials.  His luggage was thoroughly examined, many of his toiletries were discarded, and he was strip-searched!  Israel’s version of TSA says they did nothing unusual and that “items that are prohibited on flights in hand luggage are confiscated as is the norm all over the world.”

Palm Springs – March 2000.  I was cast in Ronnie Larsen‘s new play, Shooting Porn – not to be confused with his hit play Making Porn.  Shooting Porn is the stage version of his award-winning documentary, also called Shooting Porn.  Ronnie may have some good ideas, but the well runs dry when it comes to titles!  This play had opened a few months earlier in LA, and Ronnie asked me to take over the role of the narrator when it moved to Palm Springs with most of the original cast.  While I’m sure there was drama (there always is), I look back on this experience quite nostalgically.  And now, almost 17 years later, Shooting Porn is playing at the Empire Stage in Fort Lauderdale.  Although I wasn’t available to reprise my role, I was able to help out during the rehearsal period.  It’s been fun working with Kyle Garcia, who plays my part and makes it his own.  Watching Ronnie once again transform into the Chi Chi La Rue of the 1990s is nothing short of staggering.  The talented and attractive cast is enhanced (in more ways than one) by actor and DNA fitness model Adam Davenport – he’s as nice as he is stunning.  The first week was completely sold out, and I predict a healthy run through March 12th.  What few tickets are left can be purchased at RonnieLarsen.com.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Stan in Los Angeles: “First you had those hot Teen Wolf boys.  Then Tom Daley.  Now there’s a video of Adrian Grenier jerking off somewhere online.  But it’s vanished.  Can you find it?”

I wish I could disclose the machinations I went through to get this video.  Let’s just say it pays to travel with a pair of Ben Wa balls.  In the video, Adrian is Skyping with someone and pulls his sizable appendage through the bottom of his briefs.  About two minutes later, a male voice calls out to Adrian, saying he’s gonna take off.  Grenier says, “I’m just gonna take a shower if you wanna wait.”  The guy apparently didn’t wait, so Adrian continues working on what Courtney Robertson from The Bachelor called “the biggest penis I’d ever seen – and the biggest bush!”  The video may have disappeared from most places, but you can still see every inch of Grenier on BillyMasters.com.

Vivica Fox is sure doing a good job of alienating whatever gay fan base she had.  Her strip show Black Magic isn’t racist.  It’s hot men of color stripping, but any ethnicity can come to watch.  Just not every gender.  Unlike all the other Vegas strip shows that have mixed audiences, Vivica made her point clear.  “Aw, hell no.  Back all that up.  No!  NO!!”  She added, “It’s called the ultimate girls night out for a reason.”  She took to social media to try and dig herself out of this mess.  “As long as I’ve been a FRIEND n supporter of the LBGT community I’ve known them 2 have their OWN HOT exotic dancers 2 enjoy as well.”  That said, she doesn’t mind them watching her reality show.  “If gay men or women want to watch #VivicasBlackMagic #UltimateGurlsNiteOut catch us every Wed 10PM @lifetimetv  Enjoy your weekend!”  ‘Cause ratings is ratings!

Vivica probably should have passed this idea by the director and producer of Black Magic.  “The comments were out of order, and it does not represent our attitudes toward the LGBT community.  All are welcomed.  Vivica speaks for herself, not the business or the show.” Let’s get a big group together to go and just see what happens!!!

Someone in great shape is Tom Daley – a lad who has been known to share glimpses of it online (as you can see on BillyMasters.com).  But, please, don’t compare yourself to Tom’s amazing body.  It’s futile.  “I train six hours a day, six days a week.  It’s not as if it’s something that happens just from going to the gym for 20 minutes or an hour a day.”  Who goes to the gym 20 minutes a day and expects to look like Tom Daley?  That said, Tom wants you to have hope. “I know that if anyone else trained for six hours a day six days a week, they would get the same results.”

Last week, numerous sources claimed Trump planned to sign a “religious freedom” executive order which would roll back protections to members of the LGBT community in the workplace.  It’s been rumored that the bill was being prepared by Pence and his followers.  Allegedly Trump didn’t even know about it.  A few early drafts leaked.  Protests were hurriedly mounted around the country.  And each day…nothing.  On Thursday night, everyone said Friday was the day.  And on Friday, no bill was forthcoming.  But an explanation emerged.  Support for our community came from Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, Ivanka’s husband and Trump aide.  Ivanka is a registered Independent and has been described as very progressive; Kushner is a lifelong Democrat.  Allegedly, the couple not only argued against the order, but felt it was important to send out a strong message denying the rumor.  The White House released a statement: “President Donald J. Trump is determined to protect the rights of all Americans, including the LGBTQ community.”  It’s said the draft was one of about 200 that was written but never even reached Trump’s desk.  “Some are real, some are drafts of things people like, and some are ideas people from outside have suggested.”  While there’s still much to question and worry about, let’s savor the positive when we see it.

Alas, last week also brought bad news to Ivanka.  While she was helping the LGBT community, Nordstrom decided to drop her brand.  While people protesting any store carrying a Trump product call this a win, the company says declining sales led to the decision.  The retailer says it had 71 pieces in December.  Two weeks ago, it dropped to 26.  Last week, only 9 remain.  So if you want your Ivanka stuff, go to Nordstrom – they’re going like hotcakes.

And now, an Ask Billy question where an Ask Billy question ought to be.  Larry in San Francisco writes, “Do you think Tom Daley and Lance [Dustin Lance Black] made up this whole sex scandal for publicity?  After all, Tom isn’t as young as he used to be, he isn’t diving so well, and this new diver Chris Mears is pretty hot.”

First, Chris Mears is a year OLDER than Tom Daley.  They both started diving pretty young, so I don’t know how “new” he is.  That said, Mears has an Olympic gold medal to Tom’s two bronze medals – so let’s call that a wash.  Unlike Daley, Mears is more cagey about his sexual orientation.  But he did turn up in our column a few weeks ago when rumors surfaced that he’s dating Bryan Singer – which I suppose gives him the edge.  But hands down, he beats Daley because we’ve seen his ginormous dick!  On January 17th, an explicit video of Chris masturbating made the rounds.  Four days later, rumors of Daley’s online dalliance surfaced.  Things that make you go, “Hmm.”  You wouldn’t be able to get anything else out if your mouth was full of what you’ll see  on BillyMasters.com.

When sex acts can be scored on degree of difficulty, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Last week, practically the entire cast of Teen Wolf leaked sex tapes.  This week, Olympic divers.  What’s next?  A javelin thrower getting it on with his stick?  A shot putter – putting it in unspeakable places?  If that happens, I’ll definitely speak about it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that holds nothing back.  If you have a question or comment, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before a Dutch diving fan books a flight on KLM!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

The Central African Republic recently issued a series of stamps featuring Marilyn Monroe.  That’s not a surprise – celebrities are regularly seen on stamps.  However, one of the photos in the series isn’t the blonde bombshell at all.  It’s female impersonator Jimmy James!  For those of you who don’t know, James was internationally acclaimed for his eerie transformation into Marilyn Monroe.  He was so convincing that LA Eyeworks featured him (as Marilyn) in an ad alongside actual legends.  The photo by Greg Gorman caused quite a stir and brought a threat of legal action by the Monroe estate.  So the ad was quickly quashed – but still lives on thanks to the Internet.  And one of those photos appears on the stamp!  While I suppose it’s flattering on some level, it’s also not kosher – if the Central African Republic is at all interested in being kosher.

But here’s what caught my eye.  In reporting this story, the New York Post referred to James as “a transgender New York entertainer”.  This was news to me.  So I reached out to Jimmy and here’s what he said: “My attorneys always refer to me as ‘she’ and ‘her’.  It’s my policy to never correct people so as to not make them feel uncomfortable and because I don’t care.  I’m perceived as a woman all day.  So I guess I’ve transitioned already.”

This leads to a rare mid-column Ask Billy question.  Last week, we revealed that Tom Daley was involved in some sort of cybersex with a 23-year-old lad from Liverpool while he was on a “break” with Dustin Lance Black – how very Friends of them.  This news – to say nothing of video of Daley leaked to BillyMasters.com – prompted quite a number of e-mails.  The most striking one was from Josh out there somewhere in Cyberspace: “While they were supposedly on a break, we were bombarded by images of how happily in love they were – including the cover of Out magazine.  How can we believe anything about their relationship now?”

Josh, Josh, Josh – do you know who you can believe?  Nobody.  Well, nobody except for me.  And you should even be skeptical of me.  Why?  Because everyone has an agenda.  Neither Daley nor Black wants to solely be judged on their skills and abilities.  They aren’t quietly living a blissful, idyllic life.  They’re marketing their perfect relationship to further their brands and products.  That’s not to say they aren’t happy – they very well could be.  But, as with an earlier story, the more one feels the need to prove something, the less inclined I am to believe it.

By the way, Dustin Lance Black is writing a memoir.  Mama’s Boy: The Story of Two Americas recounts the relationship of DLB (the aforementioned “mama’s boy”) and his devoutly religious Southern mom.  “My progressive friends along the coasts often marveled at how close I remained with my conservative, southern, Mormon, military mom.  What they didn’t know is how much I still cherish my roots, and that I’m often more comfortable at a BBQ in Texarkana, Texas than a pool party in Hollywood.”  I’ll be the judge of that.returning to Broadway.

“David, I know you’re a sophisticated guy.”
– Donald Trump to David Muir.  Is “sophisticated guy” some kinda archaic code that’s coming back?
Like “confirmed bachelor”?

The night after his first interview as president with ABC‘s David Muir, Donald Trump sat down with Sean Hannity on Fox News.  Hannity had problems with Muir’s interview.  “If I had an opportunity to speak with David Muir, I’d say, ‘OK, two guys go into your house.  They kidnap your child.  One guy gets away with your child.  You tackle the other guy.  That guy knows where your child is.  You don’t waterboard that guy?'”  This begs the question – who is in charge of fact checking at Fox News?  Because if there’s a child in David Muir’s house, that sure would be news!  As to the first part – about two guys going into Muir’s house – well, that’s probably a regular occurrence.

You know who used to ask great questions?  Dan Rather.  Sure, towards the end he got a little crazy with his barnyard analogies about chickens and horses.  But even on his worst day, he was a newsman’s newsman.  Well, he’s back.  Not only is he pissed off at Trump’s “alternative facts”, he’s mad at the media for allowing it to happen.  What’s he gonna do about it?  What any retiree would do – he started a Facebook page.  In the three weeks since it launched, News and Guts has almost half a million followers.  Check it out.

Something causing our new president many sleepless nights is the question about how many people attended his coronation….er, inauguration.  To set the record straight, he ordered the National Park Service to find photos backing up his claims of the crowd size.  Trump even took time out of his interview with Muir to show him a framed photo of the teeming throngs on either side of the podium – rather than the long-shots most media outlets ran.  It’s been my experience that when you’re asked to pay attention to girth over length, it inevitably leads to tears.

I’m not doing a formal Ask Billy question because too many of you have been writing in about this next story.  First we got a video of Teen Wolf star Tyler Posey pleasuring himself.  While I was researching that story, I was sent a video of Posey’s co-star Ryan Kelly doing the same thing.  As I sat down to write this item, Cody Christian‘s penis appeared in my inbox.  This begs the question, is making a jerk-off video a prerequisite for appearing on Teen Wolf?  I’m not complaining.  At least they’re all hot, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re presenting a pack of penii, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Believe it or not, you can see even more than videos of teen wolf penises on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is apparently my purpose.  If nothing else, this should prove how seriously I take your questions.  So keep sending them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Tom Daley plunges into Caitlyn’s neckline!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Diver Tom Daley recently confessed that he would consider plastic surgery in the future.  “Ask me in ten years.”  So let’s take a page from Hidden Figures and do some math.  The Olympian is currently 22.  So in 10 years he’ll be 32 – and I figured that out without a calculator!  So he’ll consider plastic surgery at 32.  But even that might be too late for Tom.  “I’d like to stop myself growing older at 27.  By 27 you’re old enough to be taken seriously because you have some life experience and not too old to no longer have fun.”  Kinda makes you wonder what he thinks of his fiancé, Dustin Lance Black, who is 42.  Chronological age is actually the least of Daley’s problem.  Due to numerous diving-related injuries, one of his discs “is literally degenerating”.  A doctor told him that if he keeps up this punishing sport, he could end up in a wheelchair.  But at least he’d look good!

Turns out that Tom and Lance’s relationship hasn’t always been idyllic.  Tom confessed that at some point they were on a seven-month break due to work commitments.  During that time, Daley says he had an “online tryst” with another guy.  “It’s not like I actually met up with anyone.  I’m 22 years old, and if you talk to someone through social media it is what it is.  It was nothing more than that.  We never physically met.”  Perhaps, but sources say he regularly begged the 23-year-old Liverpool lad to fly to London during their 11-month online relationship.  Wait – was it 7 months or 11 months?  What we do know is that Tom sent the guy explicit photos and videos.  Finally he and Lance have something in common!  You can see a tease of Tom on BillyMasters.com.

The Inauguration was eclipsed by the nationwide Women’s March.  My Play Mama, Jenifer Lewis, told me the night before that I couldn’t go with her because the car was full.  I wished her well, and prayed to Black Jesus that Brandy wasn’t driving.  I still almost went, but what genius decides these things should start at the crack of dawn (which, to me, is anything before noon)?  Can’t I be with her in the afternoon?  The DC event brought out a slew of celebrities, including Madonna, who felt compelled to sing.  My God, hasn’t this country suffered enough?

Someone else at the DC Women’s March was Cher.  Last week, she got cast in a made-for-TV movie.  Don’t scoff – if it’s good enough for my beloved Lindsay Wagner, it’s good enough for Cher.  The flick is being executive produced by Neil Meron and Craig Zadan – the folks that bring us all those live musicals.  But there’ll be no singing in this film, which is about the water contamination scandal in Flint, Michigan.  Cher plays the pivotal role of a mom whose family is impacted by the crisis.  It’ll air on Lifetime – television for women and gay men.

Cher was also spotted in New York City, where she attended a private workshop of Cher: The Musical, which is based on her life.  Cher stayed in the back through the reading and took some notes.  The role of Cher was played at various ages by three different actresses.  There’s the younger years, and then the Sonny years.  Then Lena Hall took over for the older years and ripped the roof off the joint with some mighty powerful vocals.  The show ended with the three Chers joining forces for “If I Could Turn Back Time”.  When the show was first conceived, Cher said she’d like to play the older Cher.  Sounds like Cher ain’t turning back time…or returning to Broadway.

The most ludicrous story going around was that Trump might dance with Caitlyn Jenner at one of the Inauguration Balls.  This rumor had no credence, if for no reason than Jenner was not invited by Trump.  She attended as a guest of the American United Fund, which describes itself as “dedicated to advancing the cause of freedom for LGBT Americans by making the conservative case that freedom truly means freedom for everyone.”  Well that clears up…actually nothing.  Prior to the Inauguration, Caitlyn’s publicist said, “The real question is if they danced, who would lead?”  If that’s really the question, Cait better get herself a new publicist (although I like the one she has).

As luck would have it, I ran into Caitlyn at an intimate gathering just days before the inauguration.  And, you know what?  She’s HUGE!  That’s a whole lotta Jenner coming at you.  That’s Cait plus eight!  Speaking of eight, there is absolutely no way she wears a size eight.  Just the shoulders alone would require something from the Linda Evans Collection.  That said, Jenner’s a handsome woman in a taller, Madeleine Albright kinda way.  She seemed to be quite charming and accessible to those who interacted with her.  I just stood there and kinda studied her.  If I were to make a suggestion, I’d say invest in better hair.  The right style can really hide a myriad of problem areas.  I once consulted with a plastic surgeon and asked him what I could do to slow down the inevitability of aging.  He looked me up and down, said “Bangs”, and walked out of the office!

For the pre-inauguration dinner, Caitlyn wore a black dress with what is being called a plunging neckline.  But that’s really not accurate.  It was more like plungeous interruptus.  In mid-plunge, a button closed the gap.  Then the plunge continued below the button.  I guess the button was there to give you a chance to think, “Do I really want to take this plunge?”  My answer was decidedly no.  The bottom of the dress was covered in fringe – please, God, let that have been fringe.  Without question, she was the best-looking transgender former Olympian at the dinner.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Henry in Florida.  “I was binge watching Girls and saw this hot scruffy actor, Evan Jonigkeit.  He did a sex scene, but you couldn’t see anything.  I think you wrote about him before.”

Yes, I wrote about Jonigkeit several times in 2012 when he was touring the country with Kathleen Turner in Matthew Lombardo‘s play High.  At the time, I was quite taken with his range of acting.  I wasn’t the only one.  When I interviewed Turner (who played a nun), all she wanted to do was talk about him.  “I think Evan’s one of the most exciting young actors around.  I equate him with Jude Law, who I worked with on Broadway in Indiscretions.  Evan is quite extraordinary.  He’s got it.”  He also appeared nude in the play and was quite hot.  And then, as if a gift from the Lord, video of his nude scene appeared in my Inbox.  You may not have seen all of him on Girls, but you can on BillyMasters.com.

Do you know who Nico Tortorella is?  He’s a kinda hot actor who appears on Younger and has come out as sexually fluid – so I guess we now have to add an F to the already cumbersome LGBTQIA.  He also has a podcast called The Love Bomb.  A recent guest was someone who knows a thing or two about sexual fluids – gay porn actor Colby Keller.  Colby shared his coming out story with Nico.  As a kid, Keller had a box of gay porn under his bathroom sink.  Let’s stop right there – did Colby grow up having his own bathroom??  Or was he stupid enough to hide gay porn in the family bathroom?  Anyway, one day his parents discovered the box.  Colby barricaded himself in his bedroom – shades of Les Miz.  Through the door, his father expressed support for his son and said “everything he could in the language that he possessed to try and comfort me and make it okay for me.”  Then it was time for his mother.  She said, “I wish I had a gun so I could kill you and then blow my own brains out all over this sofa.”  And she wasn’t even French!  Colby says his mom had very strong Christian beliefs.  After that incident, Keller stopped calling her “mother”.  Perhaps she would have answered to the term “defendant”.

Gay porn star Tyce Jax (legal name Jared Louis Valazquez) was recently arrested for beating, choking and biting his boyfriend.  What caused the fight?  Tyce caught his boyfriend watching…wait for it…gay porn!  I’m speechless.  This is the FIFTH domestic violence charge for Jax/Valazquez.  As Judge Judy would say, “He’s a real winner!”

A law was just passed in France making it illegal for parents to spank their children.  Now, I’m not advocating spanking in general.  But sometimes a kid needs a good whack.  Apparently the French Parliament disagrees with me and has issued a nationwide ban on all forms of “corporal punishment”.  Instead of hitting, parents should try “positive reinforcement”.  Yeah, and we should also give a trophy to everyone for just showing up!

I’m disappointed in Jennifer Holliday.  For those of you who may be out of the loop, Donald Trump is having a devil of a time booking performers for the inauguration.  An inquiry went out to the Dreamgirls star.  While she was considering it, people on the Internet immediately went on the attack.  “They were calling me coon, calling me house nigger, calling me Aunt Jemima, calling me all kinds of names and asking me to kill myself.”  I personally saw dozens of vile posts specifically from members of the LGBT community.  People were saying things like she’ll never work in our community again, that the gays made her career and they will destroy it.  One memorable post said, “Remember what we did to Donna Summer“.  Ominous indeed.

I assume people who would perform at this inauguration fall into two categories: 1) people who support and voted for Trump and b) people who need the money and/or exposure.  Holliday went out of her way to say she did not fall into either category.  She publicly stated that she voted for Hillary.  She said she wanted to sing for America.  She wanted to help heal the divide.  Her fee would be donated to LGBT charities.  Her inspiration was Marian Anderson, the black opera singer who gave a concert in 1939 at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial to over 75,000 on the National Mall after being denied the opportunity to sing in an auditorium because of her race.  Anderson didn’t buckle down under hate – she went forward.  But despite Holliday’s best intentions, she was met with vitriolic hate from all sides and was essentially bullied to not perform.  She apologized specifically to the LGBT community for even considering to perform “for America”, and ended her address with this: “Thank you for your posted comments both the good supportive ones as well as the ugly hurtful ones.”  When we went low, she went high.

I don’t know why I don’t watch Wendy Williams more often.  Every time I tune in, I enjoy her – especially the Hot Topics.  While she was talking about Mariah Carey, I noticed this awfully cute boy wearing a salmon sweater.  He was sitting next to someone I assume was his boyfriend, who was wearing a sage sweater.  Salmon and sage – I assume they’re a gay couple.  Plus, they were in the audience at Wendy Williams.  How you doin’, boys?!

No one is exempt from discrimination.  But bon vivant Bruce Vilanch says that he’s experienced it from an unlikely source – the writer of the Broadway hit Hamilton.  After seeing the show, Vilanch had what he thought was a great idea – he could play the role of King George III!  In the original cast, the role was played by our very own Jonathan Groff, but the conceit for the show is color-blind and non-traditional casting, so why not?  Vilanch shared this anecdote on RuPaul‘s holiday podcast.  “I went back and saw Lin-Manuel and said, ‘I want to play the King.  One costume, three songs that are all the same and no stairs to climb?  I’m in.’  He said, ‘We have a casting concept.’  And of course the casting concept is everybody is hot – everybody is young and hot!  There’s no old Ben Franklin wobbling across the stage.”  So I was curious about the real King George.  During the American Revolution, he was actually in his 30s.  Once he hit his 40s, George started exhibiting signs of the hereditary disorder porphyria.  This led to him gaining weight, developing gout and, eventually, going mad.  So there is a historical precedent for a somewhat plus-sized King George.  And nowhere in my research did I see him referred to as a KILF!

I laughed with Project Runaway alum Blake Patterson.  Shared a quiet moment of reflection with Joely Fisher (who was both “proud and sad” that the Golden Globes broke tradition and honored the passing of Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher).  Then I ran into sexy Justin Hartley and we somehow started talking about where we first met.  For years, I have told people I met him in Kathy Griffin‘s kitchen (two houses ago).  Justin said, “I don’t think so – I’ve never been to her house.”  He thinks she may have been with us at some awards show or party.

“I just got off the phone with Mariah Carey, and she thinks that
Dick Clark Productions sabotaged my monologue.”
– Jimmy Fallon‘s quip after his TelePrompTer failed during the Golden Globes monologue.

Awards season is finally here.  Popular opinion is that the Golden Globes are a barometer for the Oscars.  If that’s the case, then it should be a pretty cheery couple months for La La Land.  Does anyone light up a room more than Goldie Hawn – whether or not she knows she’s there?  Did John Travolta have to leave early to go to work as a maitre d’ at a gay restaurant?  Shouldn’t Sofia Vergara always be Miss Golden Globes?  Am I the only one who wants to see My Life as a Zucchini?  And, how do you call the three daughters of Jennifer Flavin “talented”?

I had a fun-filled night at the Globes schmoozing with friends, both old and new.  I spent some time on the red carpet with the my twins – Gary and Larry Lane (who were doing coverage for PopWrapped).  Then I almost tripped over Sylvester Stallone – boy, is he short!  Ryan Gosling was the first person to slip out moments after the awards ended.  I caught up with King Cobra star Garrett Clayton in the lobby.  At the fabulous HBO party, Nicole Kidman literally walked through the press line, got her photo taken, and dashed out the other end.  Ditto Sarah Jessica Parker and Reese Witherspoon.  Lea Thompson is always a breath of fresh air.  Niecy Nash in red never disappoints.  Yvette Nicole Brown was stunning in bronze.  But I ditched all of them the moment Dame Joan Collins made her entrance.

I laughed with Project Runaway alum Blake Patterson.  Shared a quiet moment of reflection with Joely Fisher (who was both “proud and sad” that the Golden Globes broke tradition and honored the passing of Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher).

On CNN, Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin rang in the New Year for their 10th consecutive year.  Since the 10-year anniversary is tin, Kathy attempted to cover Andy in aluminum foil!  However, the most scandalous CNN employee was the very drunk Don Lemon in New Orleans.  He had to be talked out of getting his nipple pierced on live TV, and instead opted for his ear (but later said he wanted more).  He also made a New Year’s resolution: “I need a little more balance in my life.  I may be open to a relationship this year.  I wasn’t before.  I’m a bad person to date.  I’m not selfish, but I’m very self-centered”.  So, any of you who are interested in a slightly self-centered newsman who may have a piercing in his nether regions, this could be your year!

You’d think that given the pre-show mishap, the telecast would go smoothly.  It did for Ryan, but the same can’t be said for Mariah Carey!  Mimi was set to sing “Auld Lang Syne”, “Emotions” and “We Belong Together”.  I suppose the word “sing” is incorrect – “lip-synch” is probably a more accurate term.  She got through the first number – clearly not singing.  Once “Emotions” kicked in, Mariah found herself in an awful dilemma.  What started playing was the background track – no pre-recorded vocals (aside from the high-pitched pyrotechnics at the end).  This left Mariah completely flustered onstage, saying “We’re missing some of these vocals, but it is what it is – let the audience sing.”  Yeah, the missing vocals were the ones she was supposed to be singing!  Carey’s team claimed she didn’t sing because she could not hear the track in her earpiece or the monitor.  But that can’t be the case because she lip-synched the first and last songs adequately.  Throughout “Emotions”, the dancers around her obviously heard well enough to perform without incident.  My sources tell me that Carey planned to lip-synch all three songs, but somehow the wrong “Emotions” track got cued up, and she never intended to sing live.  Mimi’s people calls this sabotage.  That may be true, but it sure is funny to watch, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

As 2016 drew to a close, Ryan Seacrest barely made it out alive.  The day before the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve celebration, he was trapped in an elevator!  He Tweeted, “Hi, from underneath the ball in Times Square“.  If I had a nickel…  The awkward situation lasted 35 minutes until Ryan was extricated thanks to some sexy members of the New York Fire Department.  Next time you want to see hot firemen, Seacrest, just buy the calendar!

Days before Christmas, Carrie Fisher reportedly stopped breathing on a flight from London to Los Angeles.  People close to Carrie tell me that she suffered from sleep apnea, which may have been a contributing factor in this incident.  While she had little hope for recovery, being on a ventilator allowed her loved ones time to say goodbye.

One of the people who couldn’t say goodbye was Carrie’s mom, Debbie Reynolds.  She simply wasn’t strong enough to see her daughter like that. What can I say about Debbie Reynolds?  She was exactly what you’d expect – no airs about this legend.  Fun, bawdy, outrageous, but also quite poignant.  If you could get her alone (which was tough even for her family), she showed depth and empathy – particularly for those suffering from mental illness.  She was incredibly devoted to Carrie.  When discussing her daughter’s problems, she once said, “I always feel, as a mother does, that I protect her.  Who will do that when I’m gone?”    The day after Carrie’s death, Debbie also passed away.  Debbie’s son Todd believes she willed herself to die so that she could be with (and continue to take care of) Carrie.   Once Carrie was gone, so was the center of Reynolds’ life and her reason to live.

Even to the last, the pair continued their complicated and somewhat-codependent relationship.  Their life in adjoining properties led some to compare them to the Beales, immortalized in Grey Gardens.  The lines between fact and fiction often blurred in Carrie’s writing – particularly in Postcards from the Edge.  Reynolds desperately wanted to play the mother when the book was made into a film.  Director Mike Nichols felt she was “not right”, and cast Shirley MacLaine.  Debbie backed off, feeling it was payback.  MacLaine had been originally cast in the film version of The Unsinkable Molly Brown, but circumstances brought the role to Debbie.  “Shirley ‘gave’ me Molly and my only Oscar nomination.  This is her turn and her role,” said Debbie.  Even without Reynolds playing the part, Postcards hit close to home.  Reportedly, Debbie once told Todd, “I don’t want to attend my daughter’s funeral.”  If there is a Hereafter, I can just picture Carrie rolling her eyes at the sight of Debbie.  “My God, mother, did you have to upstage me even at the very end?”  Rest in peace, ladies.

What would a Billy Masters column be without a Fayewatch item?  We have bookend items about La Dunaway.  Near the beginning of the year, she was seen at a popular West Hollywood grocery store wearing plastic surgical gloves and talking to the tomatoes.  It would really be a story if the tomatoes spoke back!  As the year drew to a close, I ran into Faye in the most unlikely of places.  While I can’t share too many details, she looked quite frail and was sporting a soft cast on her right foot.  When I asked her about it, she said, “Well, I had a little run-in with my refrigerator – but that’s not how this happened.”  She then hobbled off, as I said, “Huh?”

Like it or not, we must mention Logo‘s Finding Prince Charming.  Talk about being between a rock and a hard place – it’s a show nobody but gay men has ever heard of, and yet one which almost no gay men admit to watching!  It was a bold experiment gone tragically wrong.  Logo touted it as the first gay bachelor show, discounting Bravo‘s Boy Meets Boy“- which was far superior, despite its own icky twist.  But nothing could be ickier than Logo‘s “prince”, Robert Sepulveda.  Look, nobody loves a hooker more than me.  But once there are videos of you drinking someone’s semen out of a used condom or shoving a shampoo bottle up your ass, I think you’ve lost the right to the holier-than-thou attitude – to say nothing of the title “prince”.  Logo missed a great opportunity for product placement.  Picture it – Finding Prince Charming, brought to you by Head & Shoulders!

Now that the season is over, Sepulveda is more than happy to not only talk about being a hooker, but also make some money off it…’cause that’s what hookers do.  His latest venture is a 2017 calendar called Rented where he “gives the recipient a glimpse into the harsh reality many sex workers face.”  Forget “prince” – the man is a saint.  He’s the Mother Teresa of prostitution!  In the calendar, we see such telling photos as him counting the money left on a nightstand – I never saw Terry do that in Calcutta!  To prove he hasn’t left behind the world’s oldest profession (many claim he’s still escorting), the calendar costs a whopping $50.  Lest you think he’s pocketing that money, au contraire.  Allegedly 100% of the proceeds will go to the SexWorkersProject.org. If this is handled anything like his Atlanta Rainbow Crosswalks “charity”, next year’s calendar might be called Incarcerated!

As we look back on 2016, I want to start – selfishly perhaps – with a story about me.  Many people were taken aback when I discussed my decision to go on PrEP as a form of HIV prevention.  For me, it was a no-brainer – I tell you everything (well, almost everything).  I don’t understand all this PrEP-shaming.  Here’s how I look at it: maybe someone who wouldn’t typically read a medical article got some information from my weekly scribblings.  I am heartened by everyone who wrote in – even those of you who felt it was mistake.  At least you’re paying attention.

When Faye is speaking in riddles, it’s time to wrap up another year of columns.  As we go to press, we’re shocked to learn that it was George Michael‘s last Christmas.  But even with that sad news, I had to smile when I read Sarah Michelle Gellar‘s Twitter tribute: “Do you really want to hurt me?  I guess you do 2016.  #ripboygeorge.”  Always on the cutting edge, Buffy!  That’s why you get your news from www.BillyMasters.com, the site with a finger on the pulse of anyone with a pulse!  If you’d like to reach out to us, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I to get back to you before the next celebrity death.  Thanks for yet another great year.  And, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

A few months ago, Zsa Zsa Gabor allegedly told husband Prince Frederic von Anhalt that for her 100th birthday, she’d like to move back to Budapest.  Alas, she was at her Bel Air home when she died at 99.  I met Zsa Zsa many times, and she was everything you’d want her to be – grand, gorgeous, and ridiculously over-the-top.  Although she lived in the US for over 70 years, she was known for her thick Hungarian accent and calling everyone “Dahlink”.  Although she had numerous film credits, I’ll be curious to see if she makes the Oscars‘ In Memoriam segment.

This is it, the final installment of Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions.  Our first gift is not only fashionable but practical.  Say you work with a particularly sexy colleague.  In most offices, it’s frowned upon to touch yourself (or others) inappropriately.  But that won’t be an issue if you are wearing The Jerk Shirt.  Yes, it’s exactly what you think it is.  This shirt has a built-in arm, so you can pleasure yourself without anyone being the wiser – although perhaps the 2.0 model should come equipped with a specimen bottle and a squeegee!  Proving the manufacturers are thinking of everyone, the hand comes in a variety of skin tones – light, beige, tan, and dark.  Grab one (so to speak) at TheJerkShirt.com.  And you can see a video of it in action on BillyMasters.com.

My faithful readers know that I regularly have a problem with the age difference between many of our celebrated gay couples.  I know – I’m so old-fashioned, but I have an issue when you’re twice someone’s age…especially if they’re not even of age!  I think what actually bothers me is that these relationships perpetuate the image of gay men as sexual predators (even though, as we all know, the younger person always has the control).  I came to this realization when Andy Cohen was on The View talking about his much younger boyfriend.  When accused of being a cougar, he said, “No, what I am is a gay guy.”  I sense a new term coming on: Gougar – a gay cougar.  And to prove he is one, Cohen also revealed that he’d sleep with Justin Bieber.  “Yes, of course.  I think he’s really pretty.  I like how smooth he is.  Not a lot of body hair.  I saw the dick pic, and I think he’s got a nice, adult-sized penis.”  I think it just looks adult-sized because Bieber himself is the size of Nadia Comaneci in her prime.

Perennial Oscar nominee Eddie Redmayne recently made a startling revelation – he’s seen Prince William‘s willy.  Let that sink in – he’s seen the penis of a future King of England.  Apparently Eddie and Willie were classmates at Eton College.  While he doesn’t go into details regarding how he glimpsed the crown jewels, the two played rugby together and, presumably, showered together – as boys in British boarding schools oft do.  Since we don’t want you to feel left out, you can check out William’s willy on BillyMasters.com – the site fit for a king or a queen.

Time for Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions,.  I love buying people calendars.  Everyone needs one and nobody buys them for themselves.  Our first choice is new to this column.  The Men of the Vet School calendar features the hunky frat boys from Cornell University‘s College of Veterinary Medicine.  If seeing a strapping shirtless stud carrying a goat doesn’t turn you on, you’re dead on the inside.  You can find them on Etsy.com.

One of our perennials is the Warwick Rowers.  The ripped rowers not only pose nude, but they raise money for Sport Allies, a group which fights homophobia in sports.  “We’re here with our boats, our oars and no clothes to show that your true identity is the best way to be.”  You might get a splinter on WarwickRowers.org.

I’m always amused by the annual calendar featuring erotic photos of Orthodox priests.  Yes, hot nude (and semi-nude) priests!  Now in its fifth year, the Romanian organizers have revealed that the models are not “necessarily” priests.  I should have been tipped off by the new anagram they’re using – PILF stands for “priests I’d like to fuck”.  The group says the calendar is “an artistic effort to creatively protest homophobia in the Orthodox Church“.  Have I mentioned these guys are HOT?  Check out Orthodox-Calendar.com.

It’s been a very Brady year.  With Maureen McCormick appearing on Dancing with the Stars and the recent death of Florence Henderson, The Brady Bunch has been in the news.  Last week, another Brady kid made headlines for all the wrong reasons.  Susan Olsen, who played Cindy (the youngest one in curls), co-hosts Two Chicks Talkin’ Politics for LA Talk Radio.  Correction, “hosted”.  She’s been fired by the station after a particularly prickly post on Facebook.  Apparently Olsen is a Trump-supporting Islamophobe…which was news to me.  Then again, I don’t keep tabs on the lesser Bradys.  After appearing on the show, actor Leon Acord-Whiting complained about Olsen on Facebook.  His post ended like this: “Susan Olsen spreads outrageous misinformation & it is dangerous and unprofessional”.  Olsen re-posted, adding, “This is the little piece of human waste.  He blocked himself from me before I could even get one hit in.  If you can find him, please send him my love.”

It would have been a non-story had it ended there.  But, alas, Cindy couldn’t control herself.  “Hey there little pussy, let me get my big boy pants on and Reallly take you on!!!  What a snake in the grass you are you lying piece of shit too cowardly to confront me in real life so you do it on Facebook.  You are the biggest faggot ass in the world the biggest pussy.  My Dick is bigger than yours, which ain’t sayin much!  What a true piece of shit you are!  Lying faggot!  I hope you meet your karma SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.”  Within hours, LA Talk Radio canned Olsen, saying, “LA Talk Radio takes pride in its close and collaborative relationship with the LGBT community, and will continue to provide a home for those who have hopeful and positive messages of togetherness and tolerance to share with our listeners.  We will not tolerate hateful speech by anyone associated with our radio station and have severed our ties with a host that veered off the direction in which we are going.  Thank you for your loyalty and continued support.  LA Talk Radio stands for love and community, and we will always support all of our friends around the world.”  I’m not sure what Olsen’s problem is, but clearly Acord-Whiting struck a nerve.  Previously, she had been very supportive of the gay community.  When gay marriage was before the Supreme Court, Olsen posted, “Please God, let the Supreme Court know that you think it’s OK for gay people to marry.”

Garrett Clayton sang and danced the role great.  But can we please get back to the archetype set by the unsurpassed Matthew Morrison, Broadway‘s original Link?  Now, THAT was sex on a stick!  And whose bright idea was it to have Darren Criss take us out of the show at every commercial?  Wrong!  There were some technical issues.  Some were on the fly – like the giant Ultra Clutch can that rolled out with the door open.  Chenoweth altered her lines asking what was in there, while trying gallantly to close the door with her foot (the West Coast didn’t see this since the dress rehearsal footage was dropped in).  Many scenes were badly lit, and singers often sang in the dark – most notably while Tracy’s walking to school during “Good Morning Baltimore”.  I know this was live, but there must be some lights on the Universal backlot.  At least give Tracy a flashlight!  Ultimately, none of that mattered.  The real star of the show was the show itself.  Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman wrote a musical that is as tuneful as it is relevant.  It sounded great and proved that, as always, you can’t stop the beat.

“Why is it so hard to find a sexy, charismatic, hunky, non-girlie Link?”
– A notable Hairspray alum, after seeing the live telecast.  We have two filmed versions of this show
where Link oozes all the raw masculinity of a young Tatum O’Neal.  Strike that – Tatum had more
testosterone than Zac Efron and Garrett Clayton combined.

Some people felt it was too soon to do a new version of Hairspray – after all, the John Travolta film was made in 2007.  But this “Live” version was much closer to the Broadway musical, due in no small part to the extraordinary talents of the show’s original choreographer, Jerry Mitchell.  Since he was not involved in the film version, his vision went unseen…until now.  When he introduced me to Maddie Baillio after the live telecast, he said, “Billy‘s known every great Tracy” – and, I daresay, some of the lesser ones!  I’d put Maddie near the top (nobody can touch my Marissa).  Her vocals were incredible, and her acting really touched me.  I would have liked to have seen more exuberance and joy, but when your first major role is carrying a three-hour live television event, you’ve got a lot on your plate!  There was plenty of joy on the screen once the two original Tracys appeared.  Ricki Lake and Marissa Jaret Winokur showed up in “Welcome To The ’60s” as the two lead Hefty Hideaway girls.  I wondered where Nikki Blonsky was, the Tracy from the musical film.  All anyone would say was a “financial issue” kept her away.  I’ve always loved The Dynamites – the girl group that comes to life from a poster.  The live telecast reunited the original Broadway trio: Kamilah Marshall, Shayna Steele, and Judine Richàrd Somerville.  And I’m sure most of you caught the sly nods to the Hairspray history, most notably the names of storefronts.  I particularly liked Divine Pet Food with the flashing neon pink flamingo.

Of course, this production immortalized the original musical Edna of Harvey Fierstein.  In many ways, Jennifer Hudson was miscast – she may have been blond and beautiful, but the only thing big about her is her voice…and her titties!  She sang the role like nobody’s business, so I got past her looking like Seaweed’s sister.  And how perfect was Kristin Chenoweth as Velma?  Her arch, sardonic, laconic portrayal was impeccable.  As Andrea Martin proved, there are no small roles.  Every line reading had me howling.  When she rolled over the bed to get to the window, I almost burst.  She’s a national treasure.

Garrett Clayton sang and danced the role great.  But can we please get back to the archetype set by the unsurpassed Matthew Morrison, Broadway‘s original Link?  Now, THAT was sex on a stick!  And whose bright idea was it to have Darren Criss take us out of the show at every commercial?  Wrong!  There were some technical issues.  Some were on the fly – like the giant Ultra Clutch can that rolled out with the door open.  Chenoweth altered her lines asking what was in there, while trying gallantly to close the door with her foot (the West Coast didn’t see this since the dress rehearsal footage was dropped in).  Many scenes were badly lit, and singers often sang in the dark – most notably while Tracy’s walking to school during “Good Morning Baltimore”.  I know this was live, but there must be some lights on the Universal backlot.  At least give Tracy a flashlight!  Ultimately, none of that mattered.  The real star of the show was the show itself.  Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman wrote a musical that is as tuneful as it is relevant.  It sounded great and proved that, as always, you can’t stop the beat.

In a final gift, I’m sure you saw the mega-hot Flaunt photo session of singer Shawn Mendes and wondered if the rumored nude pics exist.  Both Shawn and I are “excited” to show them to you on BillyMasters.com.

For the first of this week’s Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions, let me urge you all to do your shopping at Target.  The retailer is facing a massive boycott from the American Family Association and couldn’t care less.  The group has collected 1.2 million signatures on their petition promising to boycott Target because of the company’s support of LGBT rights.  They are upset that Target has gone against North Carolina’s HB2 law and allowed people to use whatever bathroom they want to.  CEO Brian Cornell said, “We’ve had a long history of embracing diversity and inclusion…What’s been lost in this story is the fact that the vast majority of our stores – actually over 1,400 of our stores – already have a family restroom.  And we’re committed over the next few months to make sure every one of our stores has that option, because we want our guests to be welcomed in our stores.”  Bravo, Brian.

The 39-year-old heir to the Fiat empire, Lapo Elkann, was just arrested for faking his own kidnapping.  And he was arrested along with a transgender hooker…eh, escort!  Lapo flew into NYC on Thanksgiving and called several female escorts.  One of them directed Lapo to a person who has been identified as a 29-year-old transgender hooker named Curtis McKinstry.  The two were holed up in what has been referred to as a housing project and embarked on what The Daily Beast called a “two-day booze and blow bender”.  When his cash ran out, he told relatives that a woman had kidnapped him and demanded a $10,000 ransom or he would be “hurt”.  $10K?  For the Fiat heir?  With apologies to Bette Midler, was he kidnapped by Kmart?  Elkann didn’t count on a couple of things: 1) his family would report the kidnapping to the NYPD and b) they knew he called from his own cell phone!  How do you say schmuck in Italian?  The cops set up a plan to pay the ransom, and then arrested Lapo and his lap dog when they showed up to collect the dough.  At first, Elkann tried to pin the blame on the hooker, who until that point had stayed quiet.  Well, don’t diss a transgender hooker – s/he’ll cut a bitch!  The escort turned the tables, the cops let her/him go.  Elkann was charged with making a false police report, but apparently that doesn’t warrant bail.  He was released and is due in court in January.

I spent most of last week in New York City.  Because I know many of you travel during the holidays, I’ll tell you which shows to see, and which ones to skip.  At the top of the list of anyone reading this column is the revival of Falsettos.  It is the best production and cast of this show you’ll ever see, although what was once edgy and groundbreaking is somewhat dated today.  Rather than play it as a period piece, the show is time-ambiguous, which works if you don’t think about it too much.  Along with the illness which is never named, the pitfalls of coming out, relationships and parenting are still salient.  Holding it all together is a masterful performance by Christian Borle – whose deflated arms prove that nothing lasts forever.  As Marvin, he is never less than captivating vocally and dramatically.  Stephanie J. Block plays the role of his ex-wife with enormous color and nuances.  This made her “I’m Breaking Down” less schticky and more devastating.  I was less enthralled by Andrew Rannells, who plays Borle’s lover.  I’m surely in the minority of people who felt that his very specific talents were not a natural fit here.  Throughout the show, I kept thinking how wonderful he must have been in Hedwig!

There’s no doubt that the hit of this Broadway season will be Dear Evan Hansen, a new musical about teen angst, suicide, social media, and coming of age.  The show created quite a buzz last season off-Broadway, and that built-in audience has led to a frenzy reminiscent of the lead-up to Hamilton.  The preview performance I attended was like a rock show, with palpable electricity in the audience from the moment the curtain rose.  The show speaks to anyone who has felt like an outsider.  Major kudos to Ben Platt (from Pitch Perfect), who is a shoo-in Tony winner.  Truth be told, there’s nary a misstep in the entire production.

In the annals of theatre, The Front Page is legendary.  The calibre of the cast in the current revival is a luxury rarely accorded to a Broadway show; perhaps the strictly limited run helped lock in the best people.  Once you get past the dense first act, hold onto your seat, because the show flies.  John Slattery (with curious hair) may lead the show, but it’s Nathan Lane who galvanizes it with a frenetic presence that just sucks you into its wake.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the transcendent Holland Taylor, who gives everyone a run for their money, and Robert Morse, who all but steals the show with two tiny scenes.  A must-see.

I’m less enthusiastic about Pierre, Natasha & the Great Comet of 1812.  I know Josh Groban wanted to make his Broadway debut in a new musical, but I think he should have waited until a better vehicle came along.  Yes, he has two lovely songs, and gets a moving final scene, but it’s really a supporting role.  The show is a spectacle, with bells and whistles for days, but those trappings seem to be masking a slender book and less-than-memorable score.  Most of the critics disagree with me, but what do they know?  And while I’m all for color-blind casting, I must confess I was distracted by the wildly talented Denèe Benton as Natasha.  Not that this gifted African-American actress didn’t play it well – she did.  But every time someone mentioned how pale Natasha was, I thought, “Huh?”.

I finally saw Hamilton.  Let’s clear something up – the entire show is not rap.  In fact, most of it is sung.  There are a variety of styles that meld together into a riveting piece of theatre.  Would I want to sit down and listen to the original cast recording?  Probably not.  But with these remarkable performances and inventive staging, it is completely captivating – not to mention provocative and educational.  Out of this uniformly gifted cast, I must single out Jordan Fisher, who joined the production mere days before I saw it and fit in seamlessly.

We can squeeze in a very short Ask Billy question.  Thomas in Baltimore asks, “What do you know about Tom Ellis from Lucifer?  He looks so familiar.  Or maybe it’s just because he’s SO hot.”

You may remember the handsome Welsh actor from when he played Robin Hood on Once Upon a Time.  Nope, not the Robin of Sean Maguire.  Ellis played the role first, but had to bow out when the character became a regular the following season because he’d been cast in the USA series Rush – which was swiftly cancelled.  But you’re in luck.  During our research, we learned that Ellis appeared nude in the British series, The Fades.  And in the spirit of giving, you can check him out on BillyMasters.com.