This column is coming out the day after the Oscars – or, as I like to call it, The Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe.  Am I the only one who was waiting for Regina King to break into “Don’t Rain on My Parade”?  Still, it’s hard to take issue with any show that features Glenn Close doing “Da Butt” – even if the bit was scripted within an inch of its life.  It’s too early for me to know who got left out of the In Memoriam – aside from my beloved Tempest Storm, who just passed away last week.  Still, I wouldn’t expect the Academy to honor the star of Teaserama.

My pal Sherri Shepherd has gone through an extraordinary transformation and lost over 20 pounds.  I had a hunch when she surprised Eric Roberts on Billy Masters LIVE.  And I knew she joined HealthyWage, which is a weight loss program where you get paid to hit your goal.  She’s also been doing Zumba, boxing, rollerskating, and pole dancing.  You had me until the pole.  She’s also got a weekly podcast with her bestie, Kym Whitley.  On last Monday’s episode of Two Funny Mammas, they were promoting an upcoming comedy special while eating dinner – salmon, vegetables and salad.  Kym started coughing and took a huge bone out of her mouth – saying she felt another one was still lodged in her throat.  Since she was choking, she ran to the kitchen, while Sherri was doubled over in hysterics saying, “I think Kym is dying….we’ve got to help her!”  It was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.  Since Kym is fine, feel free to laugh when you watch the clip on BillyMasters.com.

Lots of people believe that Zac Efron has had extensive plastic surgery.  What is their proof?  His jaw looks fuller now than it used to.  The side-by-side photos are quite staggering.  What they neglect to take into account is that Zac is now roughly 30 pounds heavier than he used to be – to say nothing of a few years older.  Trust me – I gain 10 pounds and it goes directly to my face – and if you don’t believe me, compare episodes of Billy Masters LIVE from the beginning of the pandemic to now.  Leave Zac alone!

Last week’s Billy Masters LIVE featured Del Shores – the prolific playwright, director, producer, and all-around auteur.  We’ve known each other for years, but have never been particularly close.  I have enormous respect for him and his work – in fact, the last play I saw prior to the pandemic was This Side of Crazy, his latest effort at the Zephyr Theatre in Los Angeles.  So when I had a last-minute opening in my schedule, I asked Del to be on, and he graciously accepted.  There are some who feel perhaps I was a bit intrusive with some of my questions.  What can I say?  I’m a naturally curious person, and I ask the questions many of you have.  Afterwards, Del said he enjoyed himself and found the interview “cathartic”.  If you want to know things that only I would ask, check out Billy Masters LIVE on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.  And, again, thanks Del!

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Our Ask Billy question comes from Frank in Detroit: “I heard Sebastian Stan shows all in his new movie.  Do you have it?”

Have it, love it, happy to share it – which is what I say to pretty much everything…except dessert.  In the new movie Monday, the sexy Sebastian and onscreen galpal decide to ride a motorcycle through the streets of Athens completely naked.  Needless to say, this leads to a traffic infraction – probably due to helmet laws!  So, yes, his walk of shame is completely au naturel.  And, naturally, you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re showing Sebastian’s hog, it’s time to end another column.  And what a column it was!  Love, death, the pursuit of happiness.  The only thing missing was taxes – thank God for that extension.  You know what won’t tax you?  Going to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always delivers a big return.  If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I’ll get back to you before Colton loses his gay virginity (which, I suspect, might require the assistance of a time machine).  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Princess Diana Comes Out!  Well, that’s what all the headlines said.  Emma Corrin – who plays Diana on The Crown” – posted some photos on Instagram in a wedding dress from a photo spread in Pop magazine with the caption “ur fave queer bride” and the hashtags #POP44 OUT NOW.

The musical about Princess Diana was in previews on Broadway when the pandemic hit.  It’s been announced that the show will resume previews on December 1^st, and opening night is now scheduled for December 16^th.  Should you not be able to score tix (or not be ready to attend a public gathering), you can watch the show from the comfort of your own home courtesy of Netflix.  During the pandemic, the production resumed rehearsals with strict Covid protocols, recorded a cast album, and filmed a performance onstage without an audience.  It drops on October 1^st.

Last week, Billy Masters LIVE was all about the British royals.  Between Harry and Meghan and William and Kate, we had lots to talk about with royal expert, Richard Mineards.  And then Prince Philip up and died – not unexpected at age 99.  Mineards was right on the money, and everything he told us would happen did.  Of course, you can watch Billy Masters LIVE, which you can watch on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

For me – a vociferous Anglophile (although I do sleep with non-Brits) – I found Prince Philip’s funeral a sad event.  Not for Philip, but for poor Queen Elizabeth II.  If there’s anything sadder than watching an old woman with a hump shuffle into a church all alone, it’s seeing said woman sitting by herself in a section of a chapel designed for hundreds!  But all eyes were on William and Harry.  Per the prepared choreography of the day, they were separated during the procession to St. George’s Chapel by their cousin, Peter Phillips (Princess Anne’s son).  To be more accurate, while Pete stood between the brothers, he purposely walked a step behind.  And here’s a fun fact – when Phillips was born, QE2 offered to give him a title as a courtesy since he was her first grandchild.  Both of his parents declined.  Keep that in mind next time you hear grumblings about titles.  While William and Harry were separated walking to the chapel, they walked out together – accompanied by Kate.

By the by, either we gays are more popular than anyone imagined, or we just love the royals.  CNN’s coverage was anchored by Anderson Cooper and Richard Quest.  ABC had Mrs. Muir and James Longman.  The televised event was somewhat contentious in the UK.  Permission for news websites to livestream the funeral was denied.  Buckingham Palace said that in the UK, the only place to watch it online was on the Royal Family’s YouTube channel.  Prior to the funeral, their channel only had 779K subscribers.  It’s now up to 815K.  Talk about clickbait.

Colton Underwood is gay.  This, of course, is no surprise to any of my loyal readers.  Way back in September of 2018, I quoted Colton’s tearful farewell to Bachelor in Paradise: “I just honestly feel there’s something wrong with me, ‘cause I’ve never wanted something as bad as I wanted it to work.  I want somebody I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with.  I really did give it my all, I really did try.  I don’t deserve her.  I’m broken.”  I followed that up with, “You’re not broken…you’re just…”  I honestly believe that the last person to know Colton was gay was Colton.  Sure, he had those feelings since high school.  But given his background, he fought it – and even attempted suicide.  So, his finally coming out is a good thing.

What most people don’t know is how these things get orchestrated.  His coming out interview with Robin Roberts is a major storyline for a new Netflix reality show, which has been in production for weeks.  On said show, he’ll be “guided” (their word) by Gus Kenworthy – and I think we all know where that’ll end up.  Many gay men have voiced their dissent.  I suspect jealousy plays a part – Colton is attractive, has some money, has been on TV, and now is getting paid to sleep with a bunch of hot guys.  Or am I projecting?  BTW, he “wrote” a book that came out last March called, ironically enough, The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV.  The paperback edition was released a few weeks ago, and the cover promised “With a New Afterword”.  It’s amazing how out of date a book can become in a matter of days.

Someone doing an about-face (or flipping another part of his anatomy) is Billy Eichner.  When Colton was The Bachelor, Eichner appeared on that show saying, “I’m gay.  I know that’s a shock, Colton…Maybe you’re the first gay Bachelor and we don’t even know!”   Of course, Colton laughed – in that way he wouldn’t have if Kenworthy were making the quip (not that I think he could land that joke).  Billy has since apologized for the barb in light of Colton coming out – and because, you know, Colton’s hot.

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Sexy men are a perfect segue to our Ask Billy question.  Harry in Texas writes, “I heard that Ronen Rubinstein just came out.  What do you know about him?  Does he have a boyfriend?”

Hold your horses, cowboy.  The Israeli actor from 9-1-1: Lone Star did make an announcement – but he didn’t exactly come out: “I fully identify as bisexual.  I literally just got goosebumps saying that.”  Is that what goosebumps feel like?  Frankly, they leave me cold.  Still, bisexuality is typically a brief pit stop on the road to homosexuality.  Apparently he’s had an inkling since high school.  “I was aware of my feelings and how I started looking at men, but I couldn’t talk to anybody about it.”  Alas, he also revealed he has a girlfriend.  So, why the big announcement?  “I wanted people to know that this is a hopeful and a happy story.”  I’m hopeful that he’ll eventually date a happy dude.  You want a real happy ending?  Go to BillyMasters.com, where we’ll post some sexy shots of Ronen.

When I’m in need of some CPR from a hot EMT, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  If you need a bit of TLC, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site guaranteed to get your heart racing.  For all your non-emergency needs, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I find myself in a pickle – or a pickle is found in me!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

My previous coverage of The Talk kerfuffle should have left no question as to where my loyalties lie.  But lest my opinion be too subtle, let me clarify – there was clearly a concentrated campaign to oust Sharon Osbourne.  When asked on her podcast if Sharon has reached out to her since the dust-up, Sheryl said, “No”.  And that’s a lie.  Osbourne released screenshots of two messages she sent to Underwood – one the day after the incident, and one a few days after that.  “I not only sent these messages to Sheryl but I apologized to her in person in her dressing room.  Why are you saying I never apologized Sheryl?  What are you trying to do to me?  Why are you trying to destroy my reputation?” asked Sharon.  Why indeed.

You’ve gotta hand it to the Brits.  While the US is still dickering over what portrait of Harriet Tubman should grace a redesigned $20 bill (we hear it is a priority of the Biden administration), the Brits have selected a visage of Alan Turing for their shiny new £50 note (that’s 50 pounds for you Continental types).  The famed mathematician is known as the father of modern computers and helped the Allies beat the Nazis by cracking their code.  Since being gay was a crime, Turing was later arrested and charged with gross indecency.  He made a deal to avoid prison by agreeing to be chemically castrated with female hormones – which made him grow breasts and go somewhat mad.  He took his own life in 1954 at the age of 41.  The new £50 note with his image will be released on June 23, 2021.

Greetings from Florida – or, as I like to call it, Ground Zero.  I understand that people have pent-up energy from social distancing, but one man found a creative form of companionship.  The headline is what caught my eye – “Florida Man Caught Pleasuring Himself with Produce”.  Police in Tampa were called to a townhouse where a man was found lying outside unconscious after “using a pickle to penetrate his rectum while he was masturbating”.  So many questions.  First up, he was found at 4PM – why, it wasn’t even happy hour!  I also noted that the pickle wasn’t even taken into evidence.  And, what is the man’s religion?  If he’s Jewish, perhaps he used kosher dill!

Only something mighty special (or a few Fireball shots) would get me to enter the belly of the beast.  The mighty special event was the 93^rd birthday of the marvelous Marilyn Maye.  Her sold-out run at the Wick Theatre in Boca Raton was such a success, they had to add shows.  Auntie Marilyn – especially when accompanied by Billy Stritch – never disappoints.  In fact, I think she’s in better voice now than ever.  Mo Rocca was there to capture the event for CBS, and Marilyn was fêted by such luminaries as the Countess Luann, attorney Mark Sendroff, director Richard Jay-Alexander, Randy Roberts and Varla Jean Merman, and oodles of others.  Photos and videos can be found on BillyMasters.com.

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Our Ask Billy question comes from Jared in Rhode Island: “I’m totally in love with Franek Skywalker.  He’s so freaking hawt, great ass, and has a huge dick.  He says he was on a Disney Channel show.  Is that true?”

Franek is very popular on social media.  He describes himself as a “real-life Disney prince” – and that’s true.  In his younger years, he had been on Do Dzwonka.  Ring a bell?  Probably not.  It was the Polish version of As the Bell Rings (I never heard of the US version).  These days, he’s a model with an OnlyFans page.  Jared is right – Franek is hot – if you like a great face, a perfectly sculpted torso, rock-hard ass, and impressive penis.  Check out BillyMasters.com and decide for yourself.

When a Disney prince is showing off his Polish sausage and buns, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I’ve suddenly got a hankering for some kielbasa.  While I grab something to munch on, you can check out loads of tasty treats on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll whet your appetite.  If you have a question for me, dash it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before Ruta kisses Franek’s ass!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Without question, it would be blasphemous to miss a single episode of Billy Masters LIVE.  Last week, we celebrated our one-year anniversary with my favorite sparring partner – NECN political commentator Sue O’Connell.  Then we were joined by Mack Beggs, the trans male wrestler fighting for the rights of all trans athletes.  It was a provocative conversation which – and brace yourselves – actually got me to consider changing my often intransigent views.  We didn’t come up with any solutions, but maybe you will when you watch it on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Things will get very lively on Thursday, April 8^th when I’m joined by one of my favorite people.  Ruta Lee is a Hollywood legend and one of the great raconteurs.  From classic films like Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, to timeless small-screen shows like The Twilight Zone, or stage musicals like Hello, Dolly, she always delivers.  Her new autobiography, Consider Your Ass Kissed is filled with dish and dirt up and down Hollywood Boulevard – where she has a Star!  We’ll talk about her life, career, and philanthropy – primarily as a founding member of The Thalians.  Consider yourself reminded to tune in.

Lil Nas X partnered with MSCHF for limited-edition sneakers to be released in conjunction with his latest song (and epic video), “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)”.  When I saw the prototype, I was shocked.  Unless Nas was in business with Nike, this was obviously trademark infringement.  Aside from appropriating the Nike logo, the company’s Air Max design was clearly copied.  I expected a suit, I didn’t expect it would be about blood.  Oh, yes – each of Lil Nas X’s limited edition of 666 pairs allegedly includes a drop of human blood!  BTW, MSCHF previously produced Jesus Shoes, which allegedly had a drop of water from the River Jordan…blessed by a priest!  Nike was outraged.  “We do not have a relationship with Little Nas X or MSCHF.  Nike did not design or release these shoes and we do not endorse them,” said the sneaker giant – and you’ve gotta love a corporate press release that refers to Nas as “Little”.  They demanded all the shoes be destroyed.  Problem is, they’ve already “soled” out!

It must be Spring, because all of a sudden there’s a flurry of legal activity in the air.  Remember Benjamin Crosswhite?  Let me jog your memory – he was the “personal trainer” to Jerry Falwell Jr. who was given an 18-acre fitness facility and $650K for “services rendered”.  He’s filed a lawsuit against the Reuters media outlet because they referred to him as “another pool boy”.  Benji claims their account of the affair caused him “scorn, ridicule, and public humiliation”.  One bit of the suit caught my eye – prior to the Reuters report, “Ben enjoyed an untarnished reputation as a personal trainer and businessman.”

Next up is a surprising sex scandal involving Matt Gaetz.  I call it “surprising” because nowhere is there any mention of other men, boys, or his “adopted son”.  No, believe it or not, the Republican Congressman from Florida is being investigated for an alleged sexual relationship with a teenage GIRL!  I know – shocking!  It’s also alleged that Matt paid a 17-year-old girl to “travel” with him.  We hear that the payment could have been in cash, drugs, or a combo platter.  Crossing state lines means charges of sex trafficking are being investigated, and Gaetz is being probed.  I will suppress the obvious joke.

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You may have heard that members of the cast of Glee will reunite to pay tribute to Naya Rivera.  However, one person who most certainly will not be in attendance is Lea Michele.  Lea and Naya had what could politely be referred to as a combative relationship – and by “combative”, think Bette Davis and Joan Crawford.  The question is not whether she didn’t want to appear – it’s if she was asked NOT to.  My sources tell me that several members of the cast made it clear – if Lea’s involved, they wouldn’t participate.  But she’s more than welcome to watch the GLAAD Media Awards on April 8^th at 8PM Eastern on their YouTube channel (or at 10PM on Hulu).

I know you were all watching Billy Masters LIVE with my special guest, Christopher Atkins.  I had no idea the whole show would be about penises!  Flaccid penises, semi-erect penises, and lots of talk about – you guessed it – penises (with numerous visual aids).  When preparing for the show, I watched a whole lotta Christopher Atkins, to the point that my carpal tunnel started flaring up.  Turns out, he’s done loads of full-frontal work, which you know I brought up – and which you can see on BillyMasters.com.  We also discussed memorable moments in his past, present, and future – which includes writing, directing, and reality.  And ghosts!  Oh, and a juicy story about Gina Lollobrigida!  I kid you not.  Check it out on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Believe it or not, it’s our anniversary.  Our first official episode was on March 31, 2020.  Time flies…in quarantine!  So on Thursday, April 1^st, we’ve got another episode ripped from the headlines.  Have you been following the story of Mack Beggs?  He’s the trans male wrestler who is fighting for his right to compete against men and not women.  Mack will be our special guest, so definitely tune into Billy Masters LIVE.  ‘Cause if we’re there, we’re live.

There’s other trouble in daytime.  According to Nielsen (the ratings company – not Brigitte), Ellen has lost roughly one MILLION viewers!  It bears noting that her season premiere back in September was the highest-rated episode in more than four years.  Why?  Because everyone wanted to see how Ellen would address the “toxic workplace” claims.  They came, they saw, they tuned out.  And the ratings plummeted.  Troublesome times. 

Recently, it was Portia DeRossi DeGeneres who was in trouble.  You would already know this story if you were still watching Ellen.  This is how DeGeneres opened her show last Tuesday:  “How was everybody’s weekend?  Anybody else have to rush their wife to the emergency room for an appendectomy?  Anybody?  No?  Just me?”  Yes, just her.  One night, the couple went to bed early.  Ellen awoke to find Portia “on the floor on all fours”.  My first thought was DeRossi was in the mood for a spirited game of leapfrog – because, I must confess, I’m not well-versed in the art of lesbian sex.  Turns out, it was neither sexual nor amphibial.  Ellen drove Portia to the hospital, but couldn’t go in with her due to Covid restrictions.  The next morning, she got a call that they’d have to slice Portia open like a sturgeon.  Bing, bang, boom – appendix out.  See all the excitement you miss when don’t tune in?

I hate to say I called it, but I called it – Sharon Osbourne has left The Talk.  Left/Pushed/Fired…who knows.  But she’s out.  In a situation that has had more twists and turns than Ratatouille (the film, not the yummy French stew), the sole remaining original co-host is history.  As you know, it started with Osbourne standing up for the rights of a commentator to express his opinion and led to Sharon accused of being a racist on live television.  Then she was chastised for being outraged at the premeditated attack.  But, it doesn’t end there.  Several rumors are floating around CBS Studio City.  Some people claim the network will use this situation as an excuse to axe the ratings-challenged talker.  Another is that a newbie to the panel has designs on running the show.  And a third is that creator and former moderator Sara Gilbert will be offered any amount of money to come back.  Stay tuned.

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Our Ask Billy question comes from George in Pasadena: “I heard that someone on Riverdale did gay porn.  Who was it?  My money’s on KJ Apa.”

While Apa has shown his share of skin, it wasn’t him – although a year or so ago, a photo of an erect penis surfaced that allegedly stems from one of his online trysts.  And it wasn’t Charles Melton, who plays Reggie (actually he’s the second Reggie, but that’s another story).  The closest Melton got to gay porn was posing nude for D&G.  The Riverdale actor who allegedly did gay porn was Tommy Martinez, who plays Malachai.  But let’s be clear – he also allegedly did straight porn.  He goes under the name Logan, and his most memorable scene is called She Sucks It So Good #31.  Needless to say, all of these guys can be found on BillyMasters.com.

I’ll be waiting with Christopher Atkins.  Oh, yes, THAT Christopher Atkins – the pin-up that everyone reading this column had impure thoughts about (and wore out the stripping scene on their VHS copy of A Night in Heaven).  I used to dream about walking into my high school reunion with Atkins on my arm.  The next best thing is Christopher Atkins coming on Billy Masters LIVE – and if you read that phrase the correct way, it’s awfully titillating.  On Thursday, March 25^th at 3PM Eastern / Noon Pacific, we’ll talk about his acting, his modeling, the highs, the lows, and if he’ll buy me a corsage.  You can watch on our YouTube channel Billy Masters TV or on BillyMasters.com/TV.

Last Thursday’s show was a HOOT!  Martha Wash is a diva who dishes.  She tells it like it is and, honey, I was surprised by some of the things she had to say.  When Jeanie Tracy joined us, we got into some Sylvester stories.  I think we’ll do a whole Sylvester tribute show during Pride month.

During a View sketch on Saturday Night Live, Cheri Oteri (as BW) said, “Some people call it a train wreck – we call it The View.”  Let’s welcome The Talk to train wreck status.  We left the ladies doing two more shows after Sheryl was manipulated by the show’s executive producers to nail Sharon Osbourne to a cross.  Her crime?  Saying that Piers Morgan – who is paid to be a pundit – is entitled to speak his mind.  Despite disagreeing with him, Sharon was branded a racist.  She has since revealed that for the first time in Talk history, she was not prepped for the segment(s), nor was she given any cards with questions or talking points.  That’s because the questions all went to Sheryl and Elaine, the two women of color on the panel – and they were allegedly instructed to take turns cross-examining Sharon.  Could Osbourne have been more thoughtful or eloquent?  Sure – if she had cards written for her, or perhaps been given a chance to prepare.

The Talk promptly went on hiatus while CBS launched a formal investigation.  Then Sharon went public, calling this ambush “the biggest setup ever”.  She also revealed that the co-hosts made a pact a few months ago that they would never set up a fellow co-host to answer something emotional that they were not prepared for.  So, she’s not happy.  “I wish that we could go on and have an adult conversation, calmly, and work it out but I don’t know whether we can.  I don’t know whether it’s gone past that.  But I don’t know whether I even want to go back.  I don’t know whether I’m wanted there.”  The hiatus has been extended twice.  Initially, it was for two days.  Then it was through this Monday – due to a basketball pre-emption.  Now CBS has decided to make the hiatus two weeks.

“I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy.“  
– Ava Gardner, when told Sinatra had married Mia Farrow.

I waded through all four hours of Allen v. Farrow, and I’m surprised to note that Mia comes off as very credible and photographs like a dream under controlled settings (but, for the love of God, stay out of natural sunlight).  Dylan, too, seems sincere.  Alas, this is a one-sided documentary with holes you could drive a bulldozer through.  For instance, Mia says every time Dylan talked about the alleged assault, she grabbed her camcorder to collect evidence.  Very smart.  She also claims that Dylan was out of control – crying, angry, confused, and upset.  Where the hell are those tapes?  What we saw was a normal kid matter-of-factly fidgeting, disinterested, and occasionally pausing to think of the right words to say.  Everything Dylan asks the public to consider about her side could apply to the other.  For more on that side, read Soon-Yi’s story in New York Magazine (which is on Vulture.com).  As with the doc, you have to sift through some self-serving garbage.  But, ultimately, you’ll draw your own conclusion.

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The latest victim of political correctness is Chris Harrison.  Here’s a brief recap.  Harrison was a guest on the podcast of a former Bachelorette, Rachel Lindsay (a woman of color).  Rachel showed a photo of a current contestant, Rachael Kirkconnell (a woman devoid of color) attending a “plantation-themed fraternity formal” in 2018.  Black Rachel accused White Rachael of being racially insensitive, and wanted Harrison’s take.  His first mistake was going on Black Rachel’s podcast.  His second was expressing an opinion.  “Well, Rachel, is it a good look in 2018?  Or is it not a good look in 2021?  Because there’s a big difference.”  Black Rachel countered, “It’s not a good look ever.  If I went to that party, what would I represent?”  Chris compounded his problems by doing an apology interview with Michael Strahan on Good Morning America.  I’ve seen more relaxed hostage videos!  Shortly thereafter, it was announced that Harrison would not host the upcoming season of The Bachelorette.

Let me take you back to 1993 and a little sitcom called Designing Women – a show set in Atlanta about a design firm owned by four white ladies and their black delivery man (who eventually became a partner).  The last episode of the series was called “Gone with the Whim”.  The team was hired to redecorate an old Southern mansion, reminiscent of Tara.  Each member of the cast imagines what it would have been like to live during the antebellum era.  While the ladies wax rhapsodically, Anthony states that his image of Tara and Scarlett O’Hara is not like theirs.  In his fantasy, Scarlett is played by the dreamy Sheryl Lee Ralph, while Jan Hooks is a priggish Prissy.  In Alice Ghostley’s version, Anthony is her Rhett Butler.  Before they go off together, he reminds her that it is 1865 – he’s black, she’s white and people will talk.  Bernice responds, “Frankly, my dear – I don’t give a damn”.  Anthony scoops her up in his arms and carries her up the stairs.  The final words of the entire series are Bernice singing, “Black man”.  Would that make it on the air today?  No.  Is it funny?  Decide for yourself – the clip is on BillyMasters.com.  But, whatever you do, don’t ask Chris Harrison what he thinks.  He’s got enough problems.

Then there’s this whole Piers Morgan/Sharon Osbourne mess.  Piers doesn’t like Meghan.  They were “friendly” until she started dating Harry.  Then she cut him out of her life.  He didn’t like it.  The end.  By standing up for his Queen and saying he didn’t believe Meghan’s slights were race-based, this made him a racist.  His friend Sharon Osbourne came to his defense – not for the things he said (some of which she pointedly disagreed with), but for his right to say them as a commentator.  And, poof, she, too, was a racist.  This led to one of the most awkward half hours in television history on The Talk.  When Sharon asked if Sheryl Underwood – who has worked by her side for a decade – thought she was a racist, it was eerily reminiscent of The View when Rosie O’Donnell asked if Elisabeth Hasselbeck thought she was against the troops.  The only thing missing was a split screen!  Unlike Elisabeth, who sheepishly voiced support for Rosie, Sheryl insinuated that Sharon was guilty of “unconscious bias”.  When Sharon asked if it was possible to criticize a person of color and not be accused of being racist, the point was glossed over awkwardly.  Sharon has not quit the show (yet) nor refused to show up for work (yet), but the damage has been clearly done – culminating in Sharon releasing an (unnecessary) apology on social media.  CBS is allegedly investigating the matter and the show has gone on an emergency hiatus.

But nobody is talking about what I feel is the most disturbing thing in the Meghan/Harry interview – those poor chickens.  At one point, the semi-royal couple showed Oprah their chicken coop.  I’m no expert, but I have never in my life seen such frightened birds!  Have you ever seen chickens run AWAY from a hand full of feed?  It’s like they knew Oprah had a pan of sizzling oil off-camera!  The fact that she was carrying a carton of eggs didn’t help.

As someone who has travelled extensively and worked abroad, I know a thing or two about being an outsider.  You’d think being gay would be an issue, but I’ve found foreigners tend to be biased against Americans.  I thought about this during Meghan and Harry’s interview with Oprah.  Nobody mentioned that the Brits could have troubles with her being a Yank…to say nothing of being a divorcée or an “actress” (well, an actress from the USA Network).  The problem is because she’s black – or black-ish.  That’s the heart of every slight.  I counter that hypothesis with two words – Princess Diana.  Di had problems with the royal family and the press – more than Meghan – but there was never a more Caucasian person.  Except, perhaps, Fergie – and I don’t recall anyone in the royal family jumping to her defense when the paparazzi captured that toe-sucking incident.  Frankly, I think being disliked is par for the course when it comes to royal in-laws.  Aside from Kate…but that’s another kettle of fish.

I completely believe that someone queried about the possible skin color of Harry and Meghan’s child.  Thanks to Whoopi Goldberg, I’ve now learned that this topic comes up virtually every time an interracial couple has a child.  Of course, context is everything – and that remains a mystery.  Racial prejudice was also presented as the reason why Archie is not a prince.  But that isn’t the case – as Harry and Meg well know.  The issuance of titles was formally put into place by George V in 1917.  Basically, the further down you are in the line of succession, the fewer perks.  This includes titles, and security is limited to working senior royals.  When Harry was “the spare” (third in line for the crown, after Charles and William), he was important.  Now that he’s sixth (and living in America)… not so much.  Yes, QEII could make an exception – as she did with William and Kate’s kids.  Only George was obliged to be a prince.  Charlotte and Louis probably got titles to avoid any sibling rivalry.

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Our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in Detroit: “Have you seen that video of David Boreanaz jerking off?  Is it real?  It sure looks like him.”

I have and I agree.  But can I prove it?  No.  The most I am willing to do is say that it sure looks like him.  From the face, to the voice, to the tattoo.  It bears noting that person in question has a rather large appendage.  However, the same adjective could be used to describe his stomach.  And yet, he still has abs – so I hate him!  Love him or hate him, you can check him out for yourself at BillyMasters.com.