If there’s a hero in the Danny Masterson trial, it’s Leah Remini.  When the so-called Church of Scientology ramped up efforts to get Masterson acquitted of numerous rape convictions, the actress exposed details of the campaign – including how the “church” engaged in “a conspiracy to cover up crimes of sexual violence”.  When Masterson was sentenced to 30 years in prison, Remini was in the courtroom.  She wasted no time in sharing her thoughts, Tweeting, “For over two decades, Danny Masterson avoided accountability for his crimes.  While Danny was the only one sentenced, his conviction and sentence are indictments against Scientology, its operatives, and its criminal leader, David Miscavige.”  BTW, the diminutive dictator’s wife Shelly is still MIA. 

A codicil to the Masterson saga came from Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis.  When letters the couple wrote on behalf of Masterson went public (they all worked together on That ‘70s Show), they were lambasted for their perceived tone-deaf efforts.  Kutcher and Kunis said that they were asked to write the letters by Danny’s family, and they simply wanted to share their experiences about someone they’ve known for 25 years.  “We are aware of the pain that has been caused by the character letters we wrote on behalf of Danny Masterson,” said Kutcher.  “They were intended for the judge to read and not to undermine the testimony of the victims or re-traumatize them in any way.  We would never want to do that.  And we’re sorry if that has taken place,” added Kunis.  “We support victims.  We have done this historically through our work and will continue to do so in the future.”

Last week, Big Mama Masters had surgery.  Not one of those life-threatening surgeries that ends in a courtroom battle.  But a surgery nonetheless.  While 82 seems relatively spry, I couldn’t help but remember that we just passed the anniversary of Joan Rivers’ death at 81.  Anything can happen at any time.  All of my childhood friends have lost at least one parent – in most cases, both parents.  In that regard, I suppose I’m lucky – even though I know Big Mama will require more assistance in the coming months.  “I’m sorry to be such a burden,” she said just before going under the knife.  I assured her she wasn’t a burden.  An irritable annoyance, yes.  But no burden.

Speaking of irritable annoyances, Lea Michele closed Funny Girl on Broadway last week.  Don’t get me wrong – people say she was sensational, and who am I to dispute that?  After all, I haven’t seen her.  In an absolutely predictable coup de théâtre, Michele ended the run by doing exactly what Streisand did after her final performance – she sang “My Man”.  And thus, the carbon copy is complete – and can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

Tony winner J. Harrison Ghee has bowed out of Some Like It Hot for “at least 4-6 weeks” due to surgery.  The nature of this surgery has not been revealed, but JHG has said that it is “to address some issues that have arisen.”

Before I left New England, I zipped up to the Ogunquit Playhouse in Maine to catch the US premiere of a play version of The Da Vinci Code.  I’m surely in the minority of people who never read the book or saw the movie.  But I’m delighted to say I not only followed the show, but I found it to be marvelously entertaining.  It’s well-written and fast-moving (save for a lengthy section in the plane – which clumsily gave us information necessary for events that happen thereafter).  I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a new play as much in quite some time.  I was completely astounded by the physical set.  It’s smart, slick, and looks like a million bucks.  The fact that it seems to be identical to the set used for the shuttered UK tour doesn’t take away from how great it is.  Enormous credit must go to the lead.  If you only know Michael Urie from Ugly Betty, you’re in for a treat.  I’ve seen him in Buyer & Cellar and Torch Song Trilogy, so I know he’s a theatrical animal.  But in the role Tom Hanks played in the film, Urie gives a galvanizing and nuanced performance which holds the whole show together with ease.  My pal Charles Shaughnessy plays Sir Leigh Teabing with aplomb and provides a good amount of sly humor in just the right places.  While I’m singling people out, I must note David T. Patterson, who not only is a very good actor, but who titillates with his magnificent body (unfortunate lashed back makeup notwithstanding).  It runs until September 23^rd, so check it out at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Powerhouse vocalist Adele is known as a showstopper.  And at a show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, she did that – literally.  During a rendition of “Water Under the Bridge”, she stopped singing and addressed the crowd.  “What is going on there with that young fan who’s been bothered so much since I came on for standing up?”  The fan in question raised his hand.  “What’s going on with him?  Yes, you, with your hand up.  Yes, you.  Why are you all bothering him?  Can you leave him alone, please?”  Security walked away.  Pleased with herself, Adele continued.  “They won’t bother you anymore, darling.  You enjoy the show.  Leave him alone.”  Before going back to the song, she added, “Sorry, guys.  He’s been bothered the whole show by security and other people sitting behind him.”  Well, I can’t blame the people sitting behind him – they probably couldn’t see a thing!  “He’s here to have fun.  All of you are here to have fun.”  Unless you’re sitting behind him – then you’re on your own!

Speaking of Las Vegas, we have some exciting news.  I’ve already told you that the vivacious Varla Jean Merman will be performing at the Westgate on October 3-5 (on the eve of Las Vegas Pride).  That same week, Vegas will welcome another luminary with her own residency.  The Queen of Burlesque, Dita Von Teese, will take to the stage of the Jubilee Theatre starting October 5^th.  Dita Las Vegas: A Jubilant Review will be staged at Horseshoe Las Vegas (previously Bally’s) – the former home of Fluff LeCoque.  The press release promises it will be “the most lavishly staged burlesque production ever, anywhere”.  That’s good enough for me to book a flight.

It’s been quite a year for Josh Seiter.  The former contender for the affections of a Bachelorette came out as bisexual, returned to stripping, and got a boyfriend.  He even announced plans to make adult films.  What would come next, you might ask?  Suicide – that’s what came next.  Last week, reports indicated that Seiter was dead at 36.  He had long expressed feelings of depression and other mental health issues.  So it wasn’t a complete surprise when his family went public with this post: “It is with an extremely heavy heart that we share the tragic news of Joshua’s unexpected passing.  As all who knew him can attest, Joshua was an incredibly bright light in an increasingly dim world.  His fearless voice and indomitable spirit helped thousands of people in their darkest moments feel just a little less alone.”  His family added information about 24/7 suicide prevention hotlines.

And three days later, like Jesus before him, he rose from the dead.  Turns out, his verified Instagram account had been hacked.  He posted a video – I suppose to really prove he was alive.  “Hey guys.  As you can see, I am alive and well.  My account was hacked.  For the last 24 hours, I’ve been trying desperately to get into it.   Somebody was playing a cruel joke and mocking my mental illness and the struggles I’ve gone through with depression and suicide attempts and I’m sorry for all the pain they caused when they made that post.”  But is that really the truth?  Josh’s ex, RuPaul’s Drag Race alum Monica Beverly Hillz, doesn’t believe any of it – and points to the gap of time between the death announcement and Josh’s rebuttal.  “He didn’t do shit, sat back, and got off on everybody freaking out.”  Of course, this doesn’t answer the question I’m sure most of you are asking: “Who?”

You can take the boy out of the beach, but you can’t take the beach out of the boy…and I’ve got enough sand in my crevices to prove it.  You didn’t think that a little ol’ hurricane was gonna stop me from spending Labor Day in Fort Lauderdale, did you?  I’ve risked life and limb for less.  However, prior to going down south, I had some unfinished business in Provincetown – namely, the last underwear party at Purgatory, which was made memorable by a couple who live in NYC and one of those Carolinas.  I left them with memories that will keep them warm all winter long.

There were also some last-minute shows.  I finally was able to see the legendary Edie at the Post Office Café and Cabaret.  My God – that gal’s got gams!  Her high kicks rival those of any Rockette – or Hugh Jackman.  If you close your eyes, you’d swear you were watching Miss Donna McKechnie!  Dance, Edie, Dance is a fast-paced romp through Edie’s story which will leave you breathless…and wanting more.  Catch her when you can.

The best way to close out a banner season in Provincetown is with the incomparable Marilyn Maye.  I have spent the past 15 years in Ptown with Auntie Marilyn – the last 13 of which she’s been performing there.  Prior to that, we’d be there on vacation.  One day, Maye said, “I want to do a show here” – and, poof, she did.  The 95-year-old chanteuse is the last of a…well, one can’t say “dying breed”, because they all died.  She’s the last of an extinct breed of band singers who could belt, croon, and hold you in the palm of your hand.  Her two weeks at the Ptown Art House (the last two weeks of the venue) were a veritable lovefest – a sold-out lovefest.  One would expect Maye to trot out all her hits, and she did.  But, remarkably, she also sang new material.  She’s a marvel, and if you get the chance to see her, rush.  If you need proof, you can see some clips of her in action at BillyMasters.com.

Not surprisingly, the Ask Billy question of Frank in Dallas is on topic: “What do you know about Mario Cantone’s sexy poet boyfriend on And Just Like That…?  He’s so dreamy – and Mario’s ass was hot, too!”

I’ll be sure to pass your fond wishes along to Mario.  As to his onscreen beau, that would be the very sexy 27-year-old Sebastiano Pigazzi.  He hails from Rome, although he was raised in the US.  This is not his first time playing gay – although some whisper he doesn’t play that way in real life.  Still, we can take a little time to enjoy the view.  He was previously seen playing a teen on HBO’s We Are Who We Are.   In fact, every inch of him has been seen on that series and…well, I have some bad news.  Let’s just say there was some padding in his AJLT uniform.  On the other hand, the nudes were after he had been in the water.  Shrinkage, y’know.  There are growers and there are showers and they’re all on BillyMasters.com.

When And Just Like That… is getting ready to spring a Skipper cameo on us, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  And just like that, Bob Barker died.  Well, not just like that.  At 99, it wasn’t particularly unexpected.  Still, we salute his long and storied career.  For your more animalistic urges, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that is neither spayed nor neutered.  If you have a non-pet-related question, write to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before I hear the Almighty tell me to “come on down” – you don’t seriously think I’ll be going up, do you?  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“It exploded in my mouth.  I wasn’t expecting that.” 
– Nya on the And Just Like That… season finale, after she “ate the black one”. 
Oh, that Michael Patrick King – so clever.

During the season two finale of And Just Like That…, we finally got to see Kim Cattrall’s cameo.  More than we expected, less than anyone wanted (and by anyone, I mean the viewers, not the cast).  I found it interesting that in season one, none of the characters were talking to Samantha, and yet everyone was always talking about (or texting with) Samantha.  In between seasons one and two, they reconciled.  And we know this because in season two nobody ever talked about (or texted with) Samantha.  I decided to rewatch every episode of Sex and the City, the two movies, and season one of AJLT before watching season two.  And you know what?  None of it is as bad as I recalled.  It (almost) flows – aside from some glaring inconsistencies.  But while there were always many characters, mostly we only saw them through the eyes of the leads.  Why?  Because that’s all we needed to know.  In the current series, we have lots of information about lots of people we don’t know or care about – with the notable exception of Seema, who is fantastic and well integrated.  The others would be interesting characters in their own series.  It’s also clear that the criticism of SATC being too “white” led to every lead character suddenly having a best friend of color.  It’s so disingenuous, it’s not worth discussing.  AJLT was just picked up for a third season, so we can only speculate what direction it will go in.  But here’s to hoping we’ll never see Che again; LTW and hubby will move to DC; there will be an issue with Lisette’s buying the brownstone (due to the stain on the ceiling); and Nya and her chef open a restaurant that the group occasionally eat at.

After all these dramatic stories, I think it’s time for some good news.  And what’s better than celebrating two hot guys getting married?  Last week, comedian Matteo Lane tied the knot with his short-term beau, Rodrigo Aburto.  How short-term, you might ask?  Matteo started following Rodrigo on Instagram back in March.  They started texting shortly thereafter.  Rodrigo flew from Mexico to NYC for a visit at the end of April.  And just like that, they’re married.  That’s not a whirlwind – that’s a tornado!  While they certainly make a dashing couple, and I obviously wish them well, I think it might be a tad too soon to send them a gift.  Maybe for their anniversary.

People these days are very quick to toss around the term “stalker”.  If Cyrano de Bergerac were alive today, he’d be a stalker.  Correction, he’d be a stalker AND a catfish.  Think about it.  He’s writing the words and feeding them to a hot guy.  They plan a date and, poof, out comes Gérard Depardieu (or Peter Dinklage – depending on the version you’re watching)!  The point is, there was a time when people would pursue the object of their affection with flowers, or surprise them with candy, or sonnets.  It used to be called romantic.  Today it would be called a felony.

Some actual stalkers are in the news.  Anderson Cooper has a stalker.  Gerald Hurt turned up at Anderson’s home four times last year – well, that’s what happens when you live in a former firehouse easily found on any NYC map!  The first time, Gerry rang the bell and claimed he had “a package for Mr. Cooper” – I’ll bet he did!  Coop wasn’t home.  The second time, Coop answered the door and Hurt attempted to grab him…we just don’t know where.  The third time, Cooper’s ex, Benjamin Maisani, arrived at the house to find Hurt waiting by the door.  He gave Benji his name and phone number – which led to Anderson getting a restraining order.  At the fourth and final incident, Hurt ignored the restraining order and attempted to enter the home.  I know it’s usually three strikes and you’re out, but the gays aren’t big baseball fans.  Hurt will serve 30 days in prison for ignoring the restraining order.

Drew Barrymore has a stalker of her own, thank you very much.  She was being interviewed by singer Renée Rapp at the 92^nd Street Y in Manhattan.  In the middle of the show, a man rushed the stage and shouted, “Drew Barrymore!  I’m Chad Michael Busto.  You know who I am.  I need to see you at some point while you’re in New York.”  Security stopped Busto, and Rapp whisked Drew offstage.  When they returned to the stage, Drew joked to Rapp, “You are my Kevin Costner!”  Days later, Busto was seen in the Long Island neighborhood where he thought Drew lived.  He was reportedly “riding a bicycle up into private driveways and stating to area residents that he was looking for Drew Barrymore’s residence.”  The police detained him for questioning.  After he was let go, they changed their mind – there WAS just cause to charge him with stalking.  They canvassed the area with flyers, and he was arrested in a neighboring town the next day.  He’s been charged with stalking in the 4^th degree.

Staying on topic, our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in West Hollywood: “I think I saw the journalist from Red, White and Royal Blue in The Inheritance in LA.  Am I right?  He’s so sexy.”

Thank you!  I knew I knew him from somewhere.  I saw that production of The Inheritance at the Geffen Playhouse in Brentwood, since it starred my pals Bill Brochtrup and Tuc Watkins.  Juan Castano played Toby, one of the lead roles, and was really great.  As I previously mentioned, The Inheritance was written by Matthew López, who directed, Red, White and Royal Blue – so there’s your connection.  Since Gary made me do some research, Juan also played Zachary Quinto’s husband in I Am Michael, and was in the reboot of Tales of the City for Netflix – in which he donned some sexy leather gear.  Since Juan has played lots of gay roles, you’re probably wondering if he is.  “I would say that for the majority of my life I identified as straight,” he told a reporter.  “But as I got older I think my sexual preference has gotten more fluid.  I am, as my friends say, on the spectrum.”  In other words, he’s left his options open – and heaven knows what else!  Having seen him in the flesh, I can confirm that he has quite a nice body…and his privates ain’t so bad, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re inheriting a hot Latino, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  If you’re interested in seeing Taylor Zakhar Perez’s abs and ass, you might wanna check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always turns the other cheek.  As for your questions, send them along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before my next moment of insertion.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“I went to an English boarding school, dear.
Trust me – you’re in good hands.” 
– The Prince’s response to his inexperienced Yank in Red, White and Royal Blue.

At long last, my impressions of Red, White and Royal Blue.  The Amazon Prime flick is based on the New York Times Best Selling novel of the same name.  Full disclosure – I have not read the book.  But one colleague described it as the Hallmark version of Paul Rudnick’s Playing the Palace – which I enjoyed very much.  Both owe a debt of gratitude to Political Animals, which starred Sebastian Stan as the gay son of a US President (also produced by Greg Berlanti).  The writing of this film is short on subtlety.  Calling the Prince of England “Your royal hardness” or “Little Lord Fuckleroy” might seem cute on paper, but is cringeworthy when spoken aloud.  It was directed by Matthew López, who wrote the award-winning play The Inheritance – and if that isn’t a downward career trajectory, I don’t know what is!  While there are the occasional good moments in his work, all of a sudden you get a shot of the Washington Monument or the Eiffel Tower after the sex scene – oooh, how clever!  In an interview, Matty made a point of saying how vital it was to get a shot of the prince’s face during the “moment of insertion” – yes, that’s the term he used.  I bet you won’t find something like that in a Candace Cameron Bure flick!

I don’t think it’s too early to announce the winner of the Worst Accent in a Made-for-TV Movie will be Uma Thurman as the Texas-born US President.  My God, it’s like a bus and truck tour of The Ann Richards Story!  That said, her character handles her son’s coming-out beautifully, if not believably.  You see, believability has nothing to do with movies in the Hallmark/Lifetime vein.  They are all hampered with a formula and a deliberate style of acting, which I really abhor.  This film is not helped by a soundtrack straight out of the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner cartoons!  And speaking of animals, has a dog ever appeared less excited when its master came home from an overseas trip?  The Prince’s pup did everything but yawn – which I assume will be in the outtakes!

Aside from the egregious Uma, the acting is acceptable.  Taylor Zakhar Perez, who plays Uma’s son, is delightfully delicious and is quite believable…when he’s not mugging (mostly limited to the first 10 minutes).  Nicholas Galitzine as the Prince is somewhat blander, but likeable enough.  They have chemistry and varying degrees of attractiveness in their corner.  If the idea of a fairytale ending has not been beaten out of you by reality, then you might really enjoy this flick.  But I kept thinking how much more interesting it would have been if the President had been a Republican.  Anyhoo, like Mary Todd Lincoln said long before me – all in all, it was entertaining.

If Red, White and Royal Blue whet your appetite for more middling gay made-for-TV fare, you won’t have to wait long.  The Hallmark Channel has announced Notes for Autumn will air on September 16^th.  This film is about a classical pianist (Ashley Williams) who needs a break from her city life.  Her gay best friend is an author with writer’s block (Luke Macfarlane) who needs a break from his life in the wilderness.  They decide to swap homes…and hilarity ensues, I’m sure.  Luke becomes entangled with his new neighbor, played by the dashing Peter Porte.  I dunno anything else, except I feel safe in predicting we won’t see a single “moment of insertion”.

Of course, there are other music stories in which I don’t figure so prominently.  Like, for instance, we just learned a shocking revelation about Beyoncé.  A media outlet snagged a photo of her luggage, which included a large box labeled “Beyoncé Toilet Seats”.  Yes, Queen Bee requires sitting on a very particular throne – even on the road.

Britney Spears was photographed visiting Lance Bass and his twins Violet and Alexander.  She captioned it, “I am a new auntie for Lance’s babies!!!  They are absolutely gorgeous babies!!!”.  It depends on how you define the term “new”…the kids are almost two!  She may be a “new auntie”, but she’s certainly not an attentive one.  Although, she’s had loads of reasons to be distracted.  Brit just got married last year.  So, you know – newlyweds.  And then there’s the latest news – she’s getting a divorce.  OK, who had 62 weeks in the pool?

Someone named Tory Lanez has been sentenced to 10 years in prison after shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.  It happened at the end of a party at Kris Jenner’s house in 2020 – proving definitively that nothing good happens at a party at Kris Jenner’s house.  Tory claims shooting Megan was an accident.  Should anyone want to make a film about this incident, I have the perfect title: They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?

It’s oft said there’s no such thing as bad press, but Lizzo probably begs to differ.  After multiple backup dancers filed suit against her for sexual harassment with a banana, another woman has come forward with a tale of her own – Brooklyn Elizabeth Brown claims that Lizzo slept with her boyfriend of 10 years!  It happened when Lizzo and Myke Wright were co-hosting Wonderland on MTV back in 2018.  I can’t imagine this is that big a scandal.  Doesn’t this happen all the time with co-hosts?  OK, maybe not on The View, but definitely on GMA3.

Picture it – your beloved Billy, lauded, admired, some might even say venerated – incognito at the Jonas Brothers at the Boston Garden (I don’t care what they call it now).  Nick Jonas is at the lip of the stage, walking backwards, towards a gaping hole.  I’m sure you’ve heard of ordinary people who find themselves in extraordinary circumstances.  So imagine when I – far from ordinary – saw Nick Jonas inches away from plummeting to his death.  Readers, I can’t explain what came over me.  But I suddenly heard my voice bellowing, “LOOK OUT, NICK!”  If you watch the video, you see him cock his head just a bit – surely straining to hear a voice coming down from on high.  Between my mouth and his cock – well, something magical happened.  I hate to say I saved his life, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

This week’s Ask Billy question comes from Harry somewhere in Texas (if his e-mail address is to be believed): “What do you know about Hisam on Big Brother?  He doesn’t seem to mind showing skin.”

Hisam Goueli hails from Seattle, where he is a geriatric doctor and a burlesque dancer – quite a combination, n’est çe pas?  This is how he described himself when he joined Big Brother: “The person I am today is a confident, gay, Arab, Muslim man, who is basically in love with life and wanting to explore all of its possibilities.”  He is married to Roberto, and they have a golden retriever named Evita – of course they do.  Hisam is a cancer survivor, having had a tumor removed from his ear canal (which explains his partial loss of hearing).  Back to his burlesque dancing, he takes part in an annual event called Bohemia, which is performed in a scantily clad burlesque fashion.  Not only is he a mainstay of the production, he’s also been featured in ads where he shows far more skin than he has on the BB live feed.  If it’s skin you’re after, check out Potato Dreams of America – and, no, I’m not making that up.  Nor am I making up that Hisam appears alongside such luminaries as Lea DeLaria, Jonathan Bennett, and Lauren Tewes – you know, Julie from The Love Boat.  His character is billed as “Fantasy Husband Cowboy”, and he has a rather explicit love scene – which can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

Congrats to Arrow executive producer Greg Berlanti for providing a Yeastie Boys bagel truck to nourish the picketers.  Berlanti also produced Red, White and Royal Blue – which I will write about next week.

Far be it from me to criticize non-picketers.  I may be a proud and loyal member of the Screen Actors Guild, but I am busy basking in the balmy breezes of Provincetown.  What can I say?  I have my priorities.  One of those was making a belated pilgrimage to see the incomparable Miss Richfield 1981 at the Pilgrim House.  This year, she is dispensing Bad Advice to capacity crowds.  And it’s the crowds that make every show different, because Richfield is interacting with them constantly.  Yes, there is material, there are stories, there are songs – but the quick-witted Richfield knows how to mine her audience for comedy gold.  If you are afraid of being in the spotlight, don’t worry.  You’re in good hands with a pro who not only knows how to deliver, but knows the difference between funny and snarky (unlike moi, who straddles that line as often as many, many men).  More info about the delicious debutante can be found at MissRichfield.com.  And you can grab your tickets at PilgrimHousePtown.com.

Because I have a hard spot for hot boys, I made a point of catching up with Branden and James at the Post Office Café and Cabaret.  This year’s show is entitled, You Had Me At Cello, a clever play on James’ penchant for having large pieces of wood betwixt his legs (Miss Richfield manipulates a far sharper object between her gams).  The duo deliver a great show with some fantastic songs and some gorgeous arrangements.  Of particular note was a mashup (as the kids say) of “Bésame Mucho” and “Hotel California” which worked beautifully.  There’s also a very clever melding of live performance and video footage of the couple singing “Chasing Cars” in NYC (their video version can be found on our website).  Their chemistry is as sweet as their harmonies, and as musicians, they’re smashing.  You can check out their schedule on BrandenJames.com.  And, as always, check out the full Post Office schedule at PostOfficeCafe.net.

The big news this week is that Wayne Brady has come out as “pansexual” – which, if you ask me, is just a pit stop on the way to Gayville.  Kinda like how coming out as bi was in the ‘90s.  Brady actually clarified it by calling himself “bisexual – with an open mind”.  One must admire the skill in his statement, well-crafted by a team of professionals, I’m sure.  With such prose as “I’m doing this for me”, and “I love all people equally, and now that includes myself” – it’s hard to criticize anything.  Brady adds, “I was so afraid of having my manhood questioned.”  I think that ship sailed when he starred in Kinky Boots!  Anyway, he’s very cautious about the terms he uses.  “I don’t think I’m ‘gay’, but what if I feel something for another man?”  What if?  As if!

As I sat down to write you, an alarm on my phone went off.  Today is the 28^th anniversary of my very first column.  Yes, this is the 1,456^th column I have written.  Me.  Who never liked to write a short essay on the book I read.  Of course, that’s probably because I never read the book!  I have churned out over two MILLION words.  I don’t want to get cocky, but if I were being paid by the word, I’d be a wealthy man.  Alas, I’m paid by the column, so I’m just a man of average means and above-average experience…translation, I’m poor, but I’ve been around.  Would I trade it all for a few million?  You bet your ass.  Instead, I’ve simply had your ass.  You’re welcome.

On a day like today, I like to look back at that first column.  Sure, our first story about Geffen and Keanu set the tone.  But who remembers that the second item was about Catherine Deneuve?  Or that there was a lesbian publication called Deneuve?  Apparently I was into literature back then, because there was also an item about Ethan Hawke doing a reading from his new novel in Provincetown.  In a bit of amusing prose, I said that Hawke “makes Jackie Collins look like Papa Hemingway!”  And you wonder how I’ve been able to remain relevant for almost three decades! 

When I’m willing to save a horse by riding a cowboy, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  You know what I think?  I think it’s time for an Anniversary Sale.  So while you’re reading the column for free (the column is always free), you can see all our bonus features and racy content if you become a member of www.BillyMasters.com – the site that fulfills your every fantasy.  Of course, the real me is always available for questions, compliments, and canoodling.  Simply drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before I need a geriatric doctor (right now, I’m doing fine with burlesque dancers).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Meanwhile, the strikes plaguing the performing community continue.  And two performers found themselves on the wrong side of the picket line.  First was Stephen Amell, who went public at GalaxyCon in Raleigh, North Carolina, saying, “I do not support striking”.  He added that he found the strike a “reductive negotiating tactic”, “incredibly frustrating”, and “myopic”.  There he goes, showing off that Canadian education!  After being vilified online, he explained that while he stands with the union, he does not stand with how the impasse is being handled.  He added, “When you see me on the picket line, please don’t whip any hard fruit”.  I can’t promise that.

Zachary Levi was also at a ComicCon – but his was in Manchester, England.  During his “presentation” (for which he was paid a pretty penny), the Shazam star said, “I’m not allowed to talk about – this is so dumb – I’m not allowed to talk about any of my previous work.”  While this is technically true, it’s not actually true.  Zachary was paid to attend the convention as a personality, not to promote any specific project.  After being raked over the coals (figuratively, I’m sure), he said, “It’s come to my attention that an offhand remark I made in jest last weekend is being taken out of context.”  See, this is why you need writers – we’re much better at crafting jests!  “So let me be clear,” continued Zach.  “I fully support my union, the WGA, and the strike.”  Either way, I’d still fuck him.  As to Amell – only if forced at fruit point.  Or if his cousin were involved.

On the other hand, Billy Crystal rented an ice cream truck and provided free refreshing treats for his colleagues on the picket line in LA.  The menu (which included cones, cups, sundaes, floats, and shaved ice), was signed, “Stay Strong – Billy Crystal”.  It almost makes me wish I’d picketed in 90-something degree temps…almost.

Then there’s Lizzo.  And, yes, I do know who Lizzo is.  Anyone who can play the flute while twerking in a bathing suit onstage is my kinda gal.  Alas, Lizzo is in the news for all the wrong reasons.  It’s no surprise that she’s a big girl.  Hell, she called her reality show Watch Out for the Big Grrrls.  Three of her backup dancers (two of whom were vets of the reality show) are suing her for sexual harassment, assault, discrimination and fostering what is called a “hostile work environment”.  The part that grabbed me was the accusation that the dancers were forced to attend and participate in sex shows in Amsterdam.  Allegedly, Lizzo pressured them to go with her – I guess saying “Thanks, but no thanks” was not an option.  Let me quote some of the suit’s more colorful prose: “Lizzo began inviting cast members to take turns touching the nude performers, catching dildos launched from the performers’ vaginas, and eating bananas protruding from the performers’ vaginas.”  Not only does this sound unappetizing, it also sounds unhygienic.  The suit claims that Lizzo was “robbing them of the choice not to participate.”  Robbed?  At banana point?  So, the dancers didn’t feel comfortable saying no, but now feel comfortable suing?  Could it be that they didn’t want to rock the boat while on the payroll, but now that they’ve cashed the checks, they’re looking to cash in?  I’m just asking…

Isaac Mizrahi is apparently the only gay out there to not know that Andy Cohen identifies as a top.  When Cohen guested on the Hello Isaac podcast, one of the fashionista’s more pointed questions was, “Are you a top or a bottom?”  Andy didn’t hesitate to proclaim, “I’m a top”.  Predictable.  Less so was Cohen’s follow-up statement.  “I wish that I could…I need to loosen up, as they say.”  He adds that given a choice, “I think I would be more of a bottom.”  I know some men who could help him in that department.

Apparently everyone has been assuming that Troye Sivan is a power bottom.  I, on the other hand, would have a devil of a time picking him out of a police lineup.  Yes, I’ve read his name a lot, but all I’m actually certain of is that he isn’t that little person from the Austin Powers movies.  Beyond that, no clue.  Well, I know he sings – but don’t ask me to hum any of his ditties.  One such ditty is called “Bloom”, which Troye (with an “e”) believes led people to assume he’s a bottom.  “I think in the sort of consciousness of gay people, I’m some crazy power bottom or something, which is just not the case, and I just wanted to put that out there.”  First, methinks the lady doth protest too much, Macduff.  And, honey, if you’re putting it out there – well, that’s how rumors get started!

This leads to a story about Tom Daley – and the connection is not what you’d think…or maybe it is.  Daley announced that he’s in training for the Paris Olympics.  In making the announcement via YouTube, he was playing Troye Silvan’s “Rush”, which is an ode to gay intimacy.  At least that’s what I’m told – I never heard the song.

One thing everyone who has been through a breakup will tell you is that it isn’t caused by one thing – unless, of course, your mate is bad in bed.  That is a dealbreaker.  In the case of the divorce of Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, we now know that it’s been on a downward spiral for three years – which is particularly long since they’ve only been married for six!  “This isn’t something new,” said Ricky.  “We have been planning this situation for a long time.  This is pre-pandemic.”  I’ve heard of people staying together for the children – but for the pandemic?  “When the public found out that we were divorcing, we had already gone through a process of much solitude.  We were firm that this is what needed to happen for his well-being, my well-being, and for our children.”  All I got out of that was Jwan isn’t that bad in bed.  After all, didn’t Ricky say it was “firm”?  And, frankly, the fact that Yosef spells his name “Jwan” would probably be a dealbreaker for moi!

I must confess that I’ve spent more than a few sleepless nights pondering the breakup of Justin Trudeau’s marriage – or, perhaps, longing for Trudeau to ponder me.  The couple went public with their uncoupling while revealing no details…except that they have already signed a “legal separation agreement”.  What we do know is that both men and women are coming out of the closet wanting Trudeau to come…well, wherever he wants. 

Our almost predictable Ask Billy question comes from Walt in Chicago: “Did you see that photo Cheyenne Jackson posted?  Holy fuck, has he ever been hotter?  Is there an uncensored version?”

I think he hit his hotness peak around the time that photo was taken.  He posted it on social media to announce he’s available for Cameo messages – for the bargain-basement rate of $95.  Even that is exponentially more than a subscription to BillyMasters.com – where you’ll find an uncensored (and aroused) Cheyenne for only $5 a month.

When we’re cheaper than a celeb, we’ve definitely come to the end of another column.  I may be cheap, but I’m worth it.  And I’ll bend over backward to prove it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s a bargain at any price.  If you have a question, reach out and touch me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before Kevin Spacey does the same!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Let’s turn to some of our favorite divas.  First up is the Aussie angel known as Kylie Minogue.  On the rare occasions she’s appeared in the US, the gays have lost their shit.  Well, get ready, kids – Kylie’s coming back!  But rather than do a tour, she’s making good on what we’ve heard whispered about for a few years – she’s doing a Vegas residency.  Actually, I guess it’s more than that, since Kylie calls the show, More Than Just a Residency.  I dunno what the “more” is.  But we’ll find out when she hits Voltaire at the Venetian starting on November 3^rd.

Cher will be everywhere come this fall.  She’s working on not one but TWO albums – the first rumored to be a holiday collection (which should thrill Paul Shaffer).  As if that weren’t enough, she also has a line of gelato!  Yes, because when I think of Cher, I think of gelato.  Or, as she calls it, “Cherlato”.  She’s SO clever!  She’s partnered with a New Zealand company – because when I think of gelato, I think of New Zealand.  Cher released some photos and prose about the venture, in which she describes “countless hours in the kitchen, refining flavor combinations.”  Because when I think of countless hours in the kitchen…well, you get the idea.

Janice Dickinson is always quotable.  In a recent interview, she had a bone to pick with Andy Cohen.  “I once went up to Andy Cohen to pitch a late night talk show, and as soon as I left, he took the idea, and he ran with it and did Late Night with Andy Cohen.”  Let’s stop for a second – is there any show called Late Night with Andy Cohen?  ‘Cause if there is, I’ve never heard of it.  “Right after I pitched the idea, it came on six months later.  And I was like, ‘You know what, that was my idea.’  He’s a tacky queen.  Tacky!”  Janice adds she’d never go on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  “They would shake and quiver.  And you know, they’re all easy.  They’re easy shots, but they pretend to be so uppity.  And they’re not uppity.  They’re just hags.  Beverly Hills Hags!”

This leads to a somewhat personal item.  While I’ve been entertaining the masses up and down the eastern seaboard, I was surprised to hear that I’ve been doing some entertaining in Los Angeles – via celluloid.  Apparently, a film I’m in had its world premiere.  Color me Barbra, but not only was I not invited to the world premiere – I didn’t even known it was happening!  Watch what’s not happening with Billy Masters.

I’ve written extensively about the almost excruciating Glamorous on Netflix.  No amount of Cattrall or flashing abs could save this poorly executed show.  But it did give Miss Benny a moment in the sun.  Benny plays Marco, Cattrall’s flamboyant assistant that apparently no circuit boy can resist.  Turns out that prior to Glamorous, Benny appeared on Fuller House and, well, he says it wasn’t a great experience:  “One of the Tanner sisters is very publicly ‘not for the girls’, if that makes sense.  I remember I got sat down by the writers and the studio to basically warn me how this person allegedly wanted the character removed, and not to have a gay character on the show.”  While Benny doesn’t name anyone specifically, it’s clearly about Candace Cameron Bure – and she was not having it.  “I never asked Miss Benny’s character to be removed from Fuller House and did not ask the writers, producers or studio executives to not have queer characters on the show.”  She goes on to wish Benny “only the best” – in that way Southern women add, “Bless your heart!”

I’m torn.  On one hand, I believe in the judicial system – believe me, I do.  On the other hand, I believe in my gut instincts.  And if I had to bet my life on one or the other, I’d choose my instincts every time.  For instance, there are certain celebrities who are plagued with rumors.  One might say that if Mr. X were really gay, wouldn’t there be some proof?  On the other hand, proof or not, I believe what I believe.

This brings us to Kevin Spacey.  For years, everyone whispered that he was gay.  There was no proof – until he opened the Tony Awards dressed as Norma Desmond and sang, “I’m coming out…”.  Looking back, the apotheosis of his career also began his downfall.  Seeing him up there prompted Anthony Rapp to come forward with his story, which led to Spacey admitting that he’s gay.  This led to Rapp’s lawsuit, which gave scores of lads in the UK license to also come forward.  And here we are.

What does it mean that Spacey was found not guilty in those cases?  And what does this judicial win mean for his career?  He’s claimed there were several people in England waiting to hire him once the trial was over.  Let’s see how many offer him employment.  What about the court of public opinion?  He may get work, but will anyone care?  When he was found “not guilty”, Kevin wept openly, saying, “I am humbled by the outcome.”  And we’re back where we started.  Does a not guilty verdict change anyone’s mind?  Does that mean Spacey is actually innocent?  I will remind you that OJ Simpson was also found not guilty.

We can slip in a quick Ask Billy question.  Robbie in Dallas writes, “I read a headline that Tom Holland is having gay sex on some series.  What show is it?”

That would be the Apple TV+ series The Crowded Room.  Holland having very hot gay sex has taken some of his fans aback – in fact, Tom took it from aback, but that’s another story.  It’s amusing to note that this makes him the third Spiderman to play with other boys – following in the footsteps of Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire.  Now, if we could only get them to play with each other.  Until then, you can check out Tom’s sizzling same-sex scene (complete with goth makeup) on BillyMasters.com.

Proving once again that the gays are ahead of trends, this week we have a straight divorce – and it’s a doozy.  Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello have announced that they are splitting up.  This doesn’t come as a complete surprise, since Sofia was recently photographed celebrating her 51^st birthday on the Isle of Capri in Italy…sans Manganiello.  While we’re sorry to hear this news, I wouldn’t be sad if a video from their honeymoon were to leak.

And, because it’s not a trend unless there’s more than one, Ariana Grande is also getting a divorce.  She was married?  News to me.  I thought she was 12!  And she’s already bounced back and is bouncing on Wicked co-star Ethan Slater.  I guess she really is Frankie’s sister!

The American Repertory Theater (ART) in Cambridge has brought numerous shows to Broadway – including the Tony-winning Porgy and Bess and Pippin.  Whether their current revival of Evita ends up on the Great White Way remains to be seen.  I’m always grateful to hear this score – despite the Muzak-esque orchestrations that have plagued most productions since the otherwise revelatory UK revival of 2009.  While the physical production has merits (including a sumptuous opening to Act 2), a little neon goes a long way.  The choreography is terrific and fills in some of the gaps of the story (including a lurid rape scene reminiscent of Aldonza in Man of La Mancha).  Still, there is a cool detachment pervading the entire show.  The best all-around performance came from Perón himself, Caesar Samayoa.  His mistress, Naomi Serrano, scored with her brief but heartfelt moment in the sun. 

I’ve criticized virtually every production of Evita I’ve seen for casting someone with a little pipsqueak voice in the title role.  ART’s Shereen Pimentel has no such problem.  On a scale of one to ten, her performance hovers around a 15.  It’s always 11 o’clock for Shereen!  And that’s a problem.  There is a sizeable lack of nuance and finesse in her portrayal.  The 25-year-old has an impressive vocal instrument, but it’s all very one-note – aside from the last 10 minutes, which shows she has range.  While “You Must Love Me” is a nice tune, it’s always felt out of place in this score – and was clearly written for an Evita with no high notes.  Having Che modeled less on Guevara himself and more as a follower of Perón on his own journey is a fascinating idea, and one that Omar Lopez-Cepero (and his double) execute well.  As a singer, he makes little presence and is a few notes shy on either end of the role’s range.  This is not without precedent.  Ricky Martin had the same problem in the 2012 Broadway revival, but had enough charisma to compensate.  All in all, this production has merit – but I’m not sure if it has enough to merit a Broadway revival.  It closes in Cambridge (AmericanRepertoryTheater.org) on July 30^th and plays the Shakespeare Theatre Company in Washington D.C. (ShakespeareTheatre.org) September 5^th through October 8^th.

Billy’s summer of love continues chugging along.  By the time you read this, I’ll be in Fort Lauderdale burning my buns – that’ll teach me to not take the option at a Clothing Optional resort.  Getting this far into summer without need of any pills, ointments or other pharmaceutical aids is not only a credit to my constitution, but also to my endurance.  I proved that last week in Provincetown…and I managed to catch a few more shows as well!

In residence at the Post Office Café and Cabaret is the legendary Randy Roberts, celebrating his 25^th anniversary in Ptown.  Yes, both Cher and Bette are back.  Even better – Randy is back, and in peak form.  The show is called Aging Dis-Gracefully, but there is nothing disgraceful about it.  It’s one of his best, with scads of new material and just a smattering of some old favorites.  Things kick off with some original songs which landed triumphantly, including a ditty about Governor Ron DeSantis which is as sharp as Randy’s cheekbones.  While it doesn’t matter, Randy looks even better out of drag – and I hear he’s single, for you tourists looking for a roll in the hay.  He can be found online at RandyRoberts.net.  For more info on all of the Post Office shows, go to PostOfficeCafe.net.

I also caught John Hill’s act at the Post Office.  Those of you familiar with Andy Cohen will know John from…well, from Andy’s past, and also his radio show.  I, of course, go back even further with John.  From the original company of Hairspray, the Broadway production of The Boy from Oz and the off-Broadway company of Bare, John Hill has got chops.  While he’ll claim not to be a triple threat, he’s a hoofer from way back.  You could say he’s a hoofer with a heart of gold.  His solo show featured some original songs and some amusing anecdotes.  He’s as likeable as he is lickable, so check him out should he come to a venue near you.  Oh, did we mention we have a naughty photo of Hill showing his meat?  Or is it one of his potatoes?  At BillyMasters.com.

Then I sauntered over to the Provincetown Art House to see The New Belters – otherwise known as Nicolas King and Seth Sikes.  In the past 9 months since they started this venture, their show has grown exponentially.  The harmonies are tighter and there is a natural ease to their partnership.  Of course, the vocals are impeccable – Nicolas being more a soulful crooner, while Seth is more a plaintive balladeer.  The luxury of having Billy Stritch not only on the keyboard but contributing a third harmony vocal line was heavenly.  They did a brief but striking recreation of Liza’s memorable performance of Sondheim’s “Back in Business” which you can see on BillyMasters.com.  Their two shows at the Ptown Art House had the capacity audiences cheering effusively.  You can find info on each of their individual websites.  Of course, the Ptown Art House lineup is on PtownArtHouse.com.

My final official performance of the week was seeing the incomparable Jackie Beat!  The dynamic diva is on tour celebrating her 60^th birthday with a show entitled Sexty.  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard her in better voice.  Truly, she seemed to have lungs of steel – but enough about her sex life!  Her three-night stint at Ptown’s Red Room was sold out well in advance, and the capacity crowd ate her up with a spoon – again, enough about her sex life!  As to the new material – well, how can you not love a song that rhymes “famous” with “anus”?  I particularly enjoyed “I’m Not a Groomer” and “Careless Fister”.  Oh, that Jackie is a subtle minx.  She’s in the midst of a tour, and you can see her full schedule at MissJackieBeat.com.  The venue’s schedule is at RedRoom.club.

I would be remiss not to mention that the Gifford House in Provincetown is under new ownership, and they reopened the downstairs nightclub, Purgatory.  This means the weekly underwear parties are back on Saturday night.  If there’s a hot guy in town, he’s there – and wearing next to nothing.  Why, over July 4^th, I saw porn stud Austin Wolf with someone roughly half his size.  I had a fleeting thought that perhaps Purgatory brought back their popular Dwarf-Tossing Nights – but I doubt that would fly (so to speak) in these woke days.  Austin’s friend  turned out to be someone named Damien who has an OnlyFans page…which you must be thistall to check out.  Although I suspect he’ll ride anyone of any size!  For all Purgatory events, check out GiffordsProvincetown.com.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Gerry in Maine: “I just saw an Armani commercial and one of the models looked like Lukas Gage.  Is it him?”

You’ve got a good eye.  That is indeed Lukas frolicking with three other models in a commercial for Acqua di Gio by Armani.  Should you be interested, those other models are Chase Stokes, Jonathan Daviss and Michael Evans Behling.  And there’s a whole lotta abs, as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

When we have an item that looks as good as it smells, it’s time to end another column.  I want to take a moment and acknowledge the passing of trailblazing actor, Jeffrey Carlson.  He was riveting on Broadway in The Goat and Taboo, to say nothing of his groundbreaking work as a trans character on All My Children.  Details of his passing are unknown, but he was 48.  Closer to home, I must announce the peaceful passing of my papillon, Li Li.  She was just a couple weeks shy of 16…which is an amazing run for a dog.  You won’t find any dogs on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that sniffs out the best.  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before anything else lands in our lap!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

How many of you are watching Stars on Mars?  Anyone?  Don’t I always say that words matter?  These people are not stars, and they’re not on Mars.  But apparently Lance Armstrong and his single testicle are on the show, discussing trans athletes competing in sports.  “Listen, this is real simple: You want to transition, let’s do it.  You have your own category.  We’re gonna have a whole new division.  We’ll celebrate you just like we celebrate everyone else.  Let’s go.  What’s unfair about that?”  Tinashe (another “star”) said, “To me, I think we just have to care about if you otherize people.  It’s not good for their mental health.”  Ariel Winter (finally, a name I recognize) said, “You’re ostracizing the people who don’t fit in the categories” – which I don’t think Lance is doing.  He’s saying create a new category.  Olympian Adam Rippon said he found Lance’s comments “so disheartening”.

Back on Earth, cyclist Na Hwa-rin called for the need of a “third gender” in sports – didn’t Lance Armstrong just do that?  Na, who was born male, won Korea’s Gangwon Sports Festival in the female category.  Hwa-rin is described as having a skeletal muscle mass of 32.7 kilograms, which is said to be about a dozen kilograms more than a typical female athlete.  When asked about the win, Na said, “My goal was to stir controversy…I am not proud of myself at all.”  Na believes that being born male provides “physical superiority” against biologically born female competitors.  Hwa-rin added that if a third gender category were created, “we allow more people to compete in sports and let them live their dreams.”

As we went to press, the Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI) issued a new policy barring trans women from competing in the “Women” category if they “transitioned after (male) puberty”.  This is based on scientific research, which cannot guarantee that genetic men those who transitioned after puberty do not have a physical advantage.  Those cyclists will still be able to compete – but in category now called “Men/Open”.

Then there’s Studio 8 Hair Lab – which sounds like a place curing cancer!  This Michigan salon has ruffled more than a few feathers after posting the following on their Facebook page: “If a human identifies as anything other than a man/woman please seek services at a local pet groomer.  You are not welcome at this salon.  Period.”  The owner, Christine Geiger, later said that LGB clients are welcome – “the rest of it is not something I support”.  She added, “This stance was taken to insure that clients have the best experience and I am admitting that since I am not willing to play the pronoun game or cater to requests outside of what I perceive as normal this probably isn’t the best option for that type of client.”  I can agree with that last part – if you are a “T”, why would you want to go there?

Usually in the summer, we can take it easy and things land in our lap.  Let others do the work, I always say.  But not this week.  We’ve got more stories than you could shake a dick at!  We recently told you about a woman who accused a popular BBC host of paying her son huge sums of money for explicit photos.  She didn’t name the host, but we now know he is Huw Edwards, the BBC’s highest-paid presenter.  In a twist not even I saw coming, the 61-year-old news anchor did not reveal himself – his wife did!  Vicky Flind, who has been married to Huw since 1993, released this statement: “In light of the recent reporting regarding the ‘BBC Presenter’ I am making this statement on behalf of my husband Huw Edwards, after what have been five extremely difficult days for our family.  I am doing this primarily out of concern for his mental well-being and to protect our children.”  Huw is currently in a “facility” after having suffered a “serious episode”.  The BBC is continuing their internal investigation while the police have opted to not bring any criminal charges against Huw…for now.

Our Ask Billy question comes from Ed in Dallas: “What is going on in England?  You wrote that story about the morning TV host who was dating a teenage boy.  Now some other host paid a teen boy for nude photos.”

A woman made this shocking claim against a BBC presenter (TV or radio unspecified): “There were huge sums, hundreds, or thousands of pounds at a time…The money had been in exchange for sexually explicit photographs of my child.”  The unnamed boy was allegedly 17 when this started (it is illegal in the UK “to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18” – he’s 20 now) and made close to $50K.  Mum produced bank records proving the payments, which she claims fueled her son’s crack cocaine addiction.  The host has also not been disclosed, but has been described as a “household name” who was recently taken off the air.  The public is now playing Name That Host.  First guess was Rylan Clark.  “Not sure why my names floating about but re that story in the sun – that ain’t me babe.  I’m Currently filming a show in Italy for the bbc, so take my name out ya mouths.”  Jeremy Vine says, “I’m very much looking forward to hosting my radio show on Monday – whoever the ‘BBC Presenter’ in the news is, I have the same message for you as Rylan did earlier: it certainly ain’t me.”  Gary Lineker posted, “Hate to disappoint the haters but it’s not me.”  Lastly, Nicky Campbell struck out at the haters: “I think it’s important to take a stand.  There’s just too many of these people on social media.  Thanks for your support friends.”

When I have a blind item courtesy of the Beeb, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Since we ran long, let me direct you to www.BillyMasters.com – the site that never scrimps on size.  If you have a question, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before the next gay divorce!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

We’ve had a spate of gay breakups that make one take pause – depersonally, if possible.  Most notable is Ricky Martin and Jwan Yosef, who are divorcing after six years.  “We have decided to end our marriage with love, respect and dignity for our children and honoring what we have experienced as a couple all these wonderful years.”  How many publicists and lawyers did it take to craft that?  Not that I don’t believe the sentiment, but the legalese is thick.  Other reports claim the relationship was “open”…lest we forget the nephew’s allegations.  Going back to the official release, it mentions Ricky had twin boys 11 years prior to marrying Jwan – “whom he will continue to raise as a single parent”.  So Jwan was married to a man with kids ages 9 through 15 but wasn’t a parent?  Skeptical.

Then there is Billy Porter’s break with Adam Smith.  The press seems fascinated that they married after a two-week engagement – like they’re Kardashians!  To be accurate, the couple dated for a year back in 2009.  For whatever reason, it didn’t work out.  Then in 2015, they reunited, dated for almost two years, and then got engaged and married a fortnight later.  “The decision was an amicable and mutual one and made after much consideration,” says publicist Simon Halls – enough said!  I couldn’t help but note that both these breakups happened after six years of marriage.  The straights have the seven-year itch.  Maybe we gays figure it out quicker!

Let’s talk for a moment about mental illness – which is no joking matter.  And I know this because I, your humble scribe, have been touched by mental disorders.  Never forget – everyone has something.  Acknowledging it is the first step.  And yet, I was still taken aback when Bowen Yang admitted that he is suffering from “bad bouts of depersonalization”.  I thought that was when you ask a jeweler to erase an engraving before you re-gift!  But here is how the Mayo Clinic defines depersonalization disorder: “When you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you’re observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren’t real.”  How does that apply to you?  Imagine you get to have sex with someone out of your league and you can’t believe it’s happening.  Or perhaps see yourself having sex in an overhead mirror.  That’s depersonalization.  Admittedly, it’s not always quite so titillating.  But the point is, Bowen is getting help.

If it’s July 4^th in the US of A, it’s Billy in Provincetown.  This year, our nation’s birthday was marred by bad weather, not unlike when Washington crossed the Delaware (which I suspect had just as much debauchery).  But the rain did not dampen my spirits when it came to shows and sex and such.  Given my unique perspective, let me suggest what you should be seeing should you venture to our little fishing village on the edge of forever.

This will be the last season for the Provincetown Art House – at least under the aegis of Mark Cortale.  But he’s certainly going out with a bang.  I zipped into town in time to see Max von Essen, ably accompanied by the legendary Billy Stritch.  As I thought about my review while sitting in the darkened venue, I ran out of superlatives.  Obviously, Max is attractive.  He’s charming.  He’s personable.  He sings like a dream.  He moves with ease.  He, in short, is the whole package – and let us not even discuss his package.  From the lowest notes of his range, to the top (so to speak), the voice is perfectly placed and borders on luxurious.  More than anything else, Max knows how to use his lyrics to tell a story – and chooses material ideally suited for his abundant gifts.  And I am not exaggerating.  Go see him whenever you can.  The rest of this season can be found at PtownArtHouse.com.

Then there’s Varla Jean Merman.  You will not find a stronger, more talented performer anywhere in the world.  What Varla does is something nobody else could do – marry impeccable vocals with ideal timing and outrageous material.  She will deliver a joke or a premise and you will think it couldn’t be funnier – and then she’ll top herself…something hard to do in Ptown, a city with nary a top in sight!  Merman’s show this year, Stand By Your Drag, is timely with all the anti-drag legislation.  The material is fresh, the original songs are tuneful, and the lyrics are laden with single, double, and even triple entendres.  She’s at the Crown & Anchor, which is one-stop-shopping for your gaycation needs.  Check out their fully-packed schedule at OnlyAtTheCrown.com.

I then sauntered over to the Post Office Café and Cabaret, but only partook of the Cabaret portion (I will return for the Café).  First up was the hysterical Judy Gold, whose new show is called Everything Hurts Everywhere All At Once.  She’s one of those rare comics who can seamlessly weave spontaneous banter with the audience amongst tried and true material.  If there’s someone funnier, smarter, and with more charisma – I’ve not met them.  Always provocative, always hysterical, and always delivers.  She is only performing Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, with tickets at PostOfficeCafe.net.

Also at the Post Office is Schartt$ Creek – a parody of Schitt’s Creek.  This is an alternate ending by writer and performer Jamie Morris (of Mommie Queerest fame), who plays Moira.  And it’s a HOOT!  Actually it’s a hoot and a half, but I’m not sure how that translates for our metric-crazed Canadians.  Nonetheless, I highly recommend checking it out on Sundays, Wednesdays and Saturday.

Our Ask Billy question comes from a fan of Ms. Cattrall.  George in Atlanta writes, “I was excited that you wrote about Glamorous – even if you didn’t recommend it.  I watched the whole series in one evening and was curious about the guys who played Parker and Chad.  They’re mega-hot!”

To be fair, I thought the show improved as it dragged on – but I still wish they gave poor Kim something to do.  As to the men, there’s Graham Parkhurst, who played Parker (and probably Peter).  He’s Canadian, openly gay and seems to be very available for your dining, dancing, and dating pleasure.  Then there’s the always appealing Zane Phillips, who you might remember from Fire Island.  I’m sad to tell you he is no longer on the market.  He’s dating Froy Gutierrez, from Teen Wolf, Cruel Summer, and even Hocus Pocus 2.  The twosome were spied somewhat low-key at the Glamorous premiere, causing more than a few tongues to wag.  However, they used NYC Pride to go public in a big way.  They not only posed for photos, but were captured in a steamy lip lock, all of which can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

When Zane is the less odd name in a couple, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Proving that I’m made of stronger stuff than most men, I’m following up my month abroad with a week in Provincetown – God help me!  I’m keeping myself busy with lots of shows, sights and sex (not necessarily in that order).  When I finish filling in the tourists, I’ll fill you in on my exploits on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always plays safe.  If you have a need that requires personal attention, drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll do my best to pencil you in before Bear Week!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Sarah Jessica Parker may be returning to another of her former roles.  We hear that a third Hocus Pocus flick could well be in the works.  According to rumors, Walt Disney Pictures president Sean Bailey would like to fast-track another installment and has put the project in development.  There have been rumors that the next chapter could revolve around the new witches introduced in the recent sequel.  Of course, that was the plan for the last film – until the original trio agreed to reunite at reduced rates.  Yes, once again, Bette has been marked down by Disney.

Turning to her current project, SJP found a way to get in front of Kim Cattrall’s cameo on And Just Like That….  You’ll recall that none of the AJLT co-stars had any idea Cattrall was even shooting a scene.  Kim was more direct about how it came to be during an appearance on The View.  “It’s very interesting to get a call from the head of HBO saying, ‘What can we do?’  And I went, ‘Hmm, let me get creative.’  And one of those things was to get [costume designer] Pat Field back, because I just thought that if I’m going to come back, I gotta come back with that Samantha style.  I gotta push it.”  Parker was quick to put her own spin on the situation.  “We’ve been really thoughtful about the ways in which we’ve, you know, approached characters that haven’t been around, the ways we have invited actors back, and it’s been, you know, really fun and exciting and certainly nostalgic.  But I think, more than that, it’s been a lot of joy.”  Yes, being told after the fact that Kim filmed a scene on a secret set…that’s my definition of joy!

Ryan Seacrest continues his quest for world domination by taking the reigns of the popular game show Wheel of Fortune.  Yes, once Pat Sajak retires at the end of next season, Ryan will host the show, which kinda makes sense since it was created by his former “mentor”, Merv Griffin.  But what will happen to Vanna?  Ryan went out of his way to say, “I can’t wait to continue the tradition of spinning the wheel and working alongside the great Vanna White.”  Nice words, but it’s not a done deal.  Yes, White has an additional year on her contract, but she’s also secured the services of a lawyer to get what is being called “pay equality”.  Apparently, she gets one-fifth of Sajak’s salary (she gets $3 million to his $15 million).  Adding insult to injury, Vanna has not had a raise in 18 years.  To be fair, I believe that’s when she stopped actually turning letters!

Pride Month ended with a thud in San Francisco.  For years, Google has sponsored a series of LGBT events and this year, planned to close out Pride Month with a Pride and Drag Show at Beaux, a local bar.  Then a coalition of Christian employees circulated a petition claiming it was offensive to their religion – because we all remember the passage where Jesus chastised the apostles for lip-synching for their lives!  The group had a strong argument since headlining the event was drag legend Peaches Christ – whose appearance was called “a direct affront to the religion beliefs and sensitivities of Christians”.  Alas, the team that planned the event neglected to go through the company’s “standard events process” – whatever that means.  Google quickly distanced themselves from the show and planned a competing event in the office.  However, many employees still went to the drag show – and “Booed”.  After the fact, Peaches said, “This thing that happened with Google, unfortunately for this event, is actually indicative of a huge groundswell of hatred across the country using drag queens and trans people as scapegoats.”  Oh my!  As if drag and trans weren’t enough, now we’re bringing in goats!?  Well, it is San Francisco.

Congrats to Luke Macfarlane who just had his first child with partner Hig Roberts. Who knew Luke had a partner? Hands? Or that his name is Hig? And, trust me – spellcheck still doesn’t believe I’ve got that right. Luke posted this on Instagram: “Tess Eleanor Macfarlane – Born June 4th, 2023. We started life with some hectic days and received world class care. On Father’s Day we got to take her home. Her Dads can’t wait to introduce her to all the remarkable people and the beautiful world we live in.” I’m not complaining, but I always find it amusing when a hot guy takes off his shirt for a photo with his newborn – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

In lieu of an Ask Billy question, we want to congratulate Mark MacKillop, a frequent contributor to Billy Masters LIVE. The talented hoofer (not from Broadway…yet) has made history as the highest fundraiser for Broadway Bares for the SIXTH year in a row. This year, he set the lofty goal of wanting to break $100K, and raised over $120K!! This means that, to date, he has single-handedly brought in more than $392,168 for the fight against AIDS. All I did was sleep with a few hundred guys – and nobody gave me a cent (well, there was that one guy who gave me a pencil after I patted his dog). Congrats, Mark!

The Kennedy Center just announced that Queen Latifah, Billy Crystal, Barry Gibb, Dionne Warwick and soprano Renée Fleming will be the 2023 honorees. Somewhere, Liza is wondering how many gay men she has to marry before anyone honors her!

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, out comes a disproven chestnut from the past – and from a presidential hopeful, no less! In an unearthed clip, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says this: “The virus is a passenger virus, and these people are dying mainly because of poppers. A hundred percent of the people who died in the first thousand [with] AIDS were people who were addicted to poppers, which are known to cause Kaposi sarcoma in rats.” I suppose there is some connection – kinda like saying the Jews died because they took too many showers!

Let’s turn to a domestic TV host, Kelly Ripa. Actually, we’re turning to her sexy hubby, Mark Consuelos. Certainly Mark is too old for the Schofield chaps, but he’s perfect for me. Recently, Mark went to work out with his Italian soccer team. Let me stop right there, because I know what you’re thinking. Yes, Mark and Kelly are co-owners of an Italian soccer team. Strike that – two Italian soccer teams! Campobasso 1919 and Ascoli FC. I know all about these teams because…well, I slept with a lot of athletes in Italy. Mark was working out with one of his two soccer teams and got injured. I believe the explanation was that someone pulled his groin – but my Italian is rusty. While he was being inspected by the doctor (at least they said he was a doctor), Mark’s crotchal area had to be digitally scrambled because when an Italian soccer player pulls your groin, it shows – regardless of how straight you are! A more recent headline said, “Mark Consuelos strips down to a wrestling singlet to get pummeled by a college jock.” Where do I sign up to see that, you may ask? Happily, the footage of Consuelos opposing “the most dominant wrestler in college” does not disappoint – and you can see it on BillyMasters.com.

While away, I heard a whole lot about this Phillip Schofield situation. For you Yanks, Schofield has been a UK TV presenter for eons, and was always rumored to be gay – despite being married to a woman and having children. He’s like the UK’s Regis! Fast-forward to 2020. He’s been co-hosting a morning program for about 20 years and suddenly comes out of the closet. Nobody is sure why – until last month, when it was revealed that he’s been having an affair with Matthew McGreevey – a lad somewhere in his early 20s. Making the story more salacious are reports that Phil may have met Matt when he was about 10 years old! An investigation has been launched, Schofield’s career appears to be history, and McGreevey has gone into hiding, after reportedly suffering from psychological trauma.

In an intriguing side note, Phillip’s brother, Timothy Schofield (a policeman), was recently found guilty of sexual impropriety with a 13-year-old boy! His trial revealed that Phillip knew about the situation, but didn’t report it. I certainly can’t blame him for that, but it’s something that makes you go, “Hmmm”. After Timothy was found guilty on 11 counts, Phillip said, “As far as I’m concerned, I no longer have a brother.” Pot / kettle.

This leads beautifully into our Ask Billy question.  Randy in Miami writes, “What do you know about [Olympic rower] Robbie Manson?  I hear he’s joined OnlyFans.  How much will he show?”

One of our favorite calendars is the Warwick Rowers.  These sporty lads started showing off in 2009 to raise money and awareness against homophobia in sports.  They morphed into an organization known as Warwick Roar, and one of their more notable members was Robbie Manson, known at the time as New Zealand’s “top rower” (I’ll be the judge of that).  The two-time Olympian participated in the special 10^th anniversary calendar, which coincided with him being named the fastest rower on the planet.  Poised to participate in the 2024 Olympics, the strapping 33-year-old has indeed started an OnlyFans page.  “I can almost hear the gasps and raised eyebrows from here,” said Robbie – which begs the question…are rowers genetically inclined to hear a raised eyebrow?  He dashes some of our more base hopes.  “I haven’t gone rogue and started a secret adult film career.  No!  I’m on OnlyFans sharing artistic pictures that celebrate the human form in a tasteful and respectful manner.  Think of it as a highbrow gallery meets my rowing journey, sprinkled with a dash of cheekiness.”  I guess he’s not showing off his oar, which sucks.  But you can definitely see all four of his cheeks on BillyMasters.com.

When all these religious stories didn’t lead to a single joke about being on one’s knees, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  While you’re sculling on the web, why not check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that requires both hands!  If you have a question for me, send it off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before ChatGPT comes up with a funny closing joke!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Lest anyone be lulled into a state of complacency regarding LGBT acceptance, several thousand people showed up outside Dodger Stadium to protest the baseball team’s Pride Night.  Specifically, they protested an honor bestowed on a drag/trans group of chalk-faced nuns who have provided humor and comfort to those in need since 1979.  “The Dodgers community hero award goes to an organization reaching the LGBTQ+ community – the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, LA chapter,” said the announcer about an hour before the game began.  The main protestors belonged to a group unimaginatively called Catholics for Catholics.  One assumes these people would also protest pedophilic priests – but I’d hate to put words (or anything else) in their mouths.  They feel the Sisters are making a mockery of their faith – something I can’t completely disagree with.  On the other hand, I don’t recall anyone protesting Sally Field, or that bitch with the guitar!

I spend a lot of time worrying about Jane Seymour.  I picture her, at night, sleeping in a big vat of Crépe Erase, only to wake up and find she’s been replaced by Kate Walsh.  Don’t get me wrong – the Grey’s Anatomy vet looks like she could use Crépe Erase.  But wait your turn.  It’s like when my beloved Lindsay Wagner started losing made-for-TV leads to Mare Winningham, of all people.  It’s just not fair.  If there’s a silver lining, it’s that Walsh is like half Seymour’s age, and looks significantly worse. 

Someone who I’m sure has vats of Crépe Erase is Vanna White, and she’s in the news – kinda.  Pat Sajak announced that he will be retiring as host of Wheel of Fortune at the end of next season.  This begs the question – what will happen to Vanna?  Well, she’s angling to take over hosting duties…an unlikely prospect at best.  While Pat would like his daughter Maggie to be considered for the gig, Ryan Seacrest is also in the running.  But wait – Whoopi Goldberg just announced on The View that she’d like the job.  Stay tuned…

“Growing up, I was called the f-word more times than I can remember. 
And now, I’m a faggot with a Tony!”  
– Michael Arden while accepting his Best Director of a Musical Tony for Parade. 
BTW, the “f-word” was bleeped on TV.

With the never-ending writers’ strike, everybody is wondering if ChatGPT could replace humans.  As an experiment, I asked the AI software to write a column in the style of Billy Masters.  Here is how it began:

“Ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who are still deciding what fabulous category you fall into…”  OK, let’s stop right there – I would NEVER say that.  First off, I find it offensive.  Secondly, I rarely acknowledge my female readers this early in a column!  “I’m Billy Masters, and I’ve got a mouthful of sass and heart full of glitter.”  I am sorry to say, neither of those has ever been true.  I’ve had a mouthful of lots of things, but I wouldn’t call it sass.  As to glitter – I eschew anything that causes a mess!  “Now, darlings, you know I’m all about the latest tea, the hottest gossip, and the fiercest trends, but sometimes we’ve got to take a moment to address the serious stuff.  And right now, there’s something in the air, honey, and it ain’t the scent of Chanel No. 5.”  While I appreciate the Chanel reference, I suspect it somehow has Billy Masters confused with Zsa Zsa Gabor!

The writers’ strike didn’t dampen the Tony Awards.  If anything, it showed that a lack of professional scribes streamline the ceremony.  From Ariana DeBose’s opening, to the production numbers, to the heartfelt speeches, people interested in theatre were in for a treat.  For everyone else…well, I believe there was a MacGyver rerun on Antenna TV!  The Tonys also managed to make history.  Alex Newell became the first openly nonbinary actor to win a Tony – although it was in the category of Featured Actor in a Musical for Shucked.  He was quickly joined by J. Harrison Ghee, who is also nonbinary, and won Leading Actor in a Musical for Some Like It Hot.

Rounding things off, Sean Hayes won Best Actor in a Leading Role in a Play for his turn in Good Night, Oscar.  I hate to make it all about me, but this one kinda is.  In Sean Hayes’ acceptance speech, he dedicated the award to his husband.  “First of all, my husband, Scotty – it’s Scotty, right?  I can never get it right.  You are my purpose, every single day of my life.”  You may not know this, but when Ellen DeGeneres launched her daytime talk show, Sean’s husband (then known as Scotty K) was her DJ.  Then, one day, Scotty was inexplicably gone and there was some black guy with an English accent in his place.  Since I wanted to know what was going on, I asked Scotty to be the DJ for MY very first live Billy Masters Show.  I’m not saying I was there first, but I was there before Sean.