In these divisive days, I think we can all agree that nobody does Christmas quite like The Hallmark Channel.  They do it so well, they even do that ever-annoying Christmas in July!  It’s also well-documented that I’m against holiday hoopla happening prior to Thanksgiving.  Carols in the mall, lights on houses, tinsel in CVS – no, no, no, not ho, ho, ho.  Call me old-fashioned, but that’s how I feel.  On the other hand, you throw me a hot guy in a Santa hat and a smile and I’m willing to put my bias aside and take a little time to enjoy the view. 

This brings us to Jonathan Bennett, who has entered into an unholy alliance with The Hallmark Channel to provide us with seasonal fare.  And since the departure of Candace Cameron Bure, it stands to reason that the network would go in the complete opposite direction.  Bennett’s latest flick is Season’s Greetings from Cherry Lane, which is actually the first installment of a three-part sequel to what I’m told is a popular franchise –  all based on different families living in the same house over 70 years.  Proving nepotism is alive and well even with the gays, Bennett’s hubby, Jaymes Vaughan, contributes a song to the soundtrack.  Oh, yes, the former Chippendale is now a chanteuse!  He just released an EP called “Feels Like Christmas”.  Recently, he debuted the song “Home for the Holidays” on the Hallmark Christmas Cruise, which was hosted by Bennett.  Jaymes said, “I wanted to write the kind of Christmas music that you know exactly what you’re in for the minute it starts…These tracks are all originals, not covers, because I wanted to create music that reflects what Christmas music sounds like to me.”  Listen for it in the movie, which debuts on Hallmark+ on December 5^th.  Or in an elevator at your local mall.

Because I’ve sworn to keep you up to date, I have the latest chapter in Austin Wolf’s legal woes.  I think this is a good time to point out how bad our judicial system is.  Austin has been awaiting his preliminary hearing since his arrest on June 28^th of 2023!  Come on, people – get on the stick (or off the stick – depending on which bunk you’re in).  The first preliminary hearing was scheduled for July 29^th of 2024 – so, about a year after his arrest.  It was then rescheduled for August 28^th.  Then September 27^th.  And now, November 27^th.  Why the constant delays?  Rumor has it, the feds are trying to get him to plead guilty to something – anything – to move this along.  Thus far, he’s not been playing ball.  Or is he?  Maybe he’s playing a different kinda ball.  Ball in the pokey.  Stay tuned.

I’m hearing lots of rumbling about The Scissor Sisters.  It’s been about a dozen years since the group did an actual show.  Recently, the band’s social media page was updated to sport an image of TV static.  Most figured they were about to make an announcement – or be interviewed by Dan Rather!  In short order, they announced a tour of the UK and Ireland to commemorate the 20^th anniversary of their debut album going to number one in the UK.  It is rumored more countries will follow.  However, it’s not all good news.  Conspicuously absent from the reunion lineup is founding member Ana Matronic.  “She has decided not to join the tour as she has other projects she is focusing on right now,” said the statement.  Ana released her own statement: “I am currently finishing production on the first season of my history podcast Good Time Sallies which has grown into several long term research & writing projects.  With contracts signed and schedules agreed on these commitments, the time of a Scissor reunion does not allow me to join my former bandmates on this tour.  I wish the band and our fans all the best – I will be there in spirit to kiki with you!”  So, is she saying she’s turning down a global arena tour for a podcast?!

Our last minute “Ask Billy” question comes from James in Baltimore: “What’s going on between KJ Apa and Boston Ridge?”

Once again, you people stump me – and that hasn’t happened since that night with the hot Bulgarian amputee.  Sure, I know who KJ Apa is (Riverdale/Archie/abs), but is Boston Ridge a person or a place where you cruise men abutting Fenway Park?  Turns out, Boston Ridge is a model – although I defy anyone to show me a birth certificate with that name on it.  Apparently the boys have been besties since their childhood in New Zealand.  KJ posted a Snapchat of them in bed together – both asleep and nude (or, at the very least, shirtless).  Not really “spooning”, but I’m no expert.  I’m much more into forking.  This led lots of people to ask if KJ is the “big spoon”.  It led me to a different question – who took this photo?  Obviously it’s staged, and good for them.  I’m told it’s not all that recent.  But if you want to have fantasies of them spooning or forking or whatever people who don’t eat do in bed, be my guest.  For my part, I’m going to go get some peach cobbler – right after I post the photo on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m more interested in a hot peach cobbler than a hot nude ginger, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Since we ran late (well, we didn’t but I really want that cobbler), let me quickly remind you to check out a variety of savory beings on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s sugar and spice and everything nice.  I’ll be checking out my pal Christopher Titus’s new show, Doomed to Repeat, at the Tupelo Music Hall in Derry, NH on November 16^th.  Feel free to say hi if you’re in the neighborhood.  If you want to reach out from a different locale, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before the next erection…er, election!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I’ve been worried about Kathy Griffin.  We caught up a few months ago at one of her comeback shows at the Mirage in Vegas.  She was as funny as ever, but had enough rasp in her voice to play Stevie Nicks…or Jimmy Hoffa!  But now, after all she’s been through, she’s back – and that extends to her speaking voice.  She had an implant put on her vocal cord, which she describes as “a boob job in my throat.”  If you didn’t know better, you’d never guess anything happened – aside from an oddly placed nipple!  While she’s getting some “dental work” done, might I suggest it’s time for an overall tune-up?  Sure, she broke the record for the number of times a female comedian has played Carnegie Hall (last held by Joan Rivers).  But, why not look “refreshed” while doing it?

There’s been a whole lotta celebrity deaths that I haven’t mentioned.  First was one of my favorites – Mitzi Gaynor.  The epitome of glamour, sex appeal, and class (my bon ami Bob Mackie made most of her legendary looks).  She was a helluva gal.  Then there’s Teri Garr.  Was anyone funnier than Teri?  Did you know she started out as a dancer?  Hours after she passed, someone posted a video of the historic T.A.M.I. Show from 1964 – which featured a dozen musical groups.  One of the more memorable performances was done by The Supremes.  And while they were singing “Where Did Our Love Go?”, there was Teri, shimmying between Mary and Flo wearing what appears to be a Target tee.  The video can be seen on BillyMasters.com.

The big-screen version of the musical Wicked found itself in an uncomfortable situation.  Apparently, some of the dolls based on the film characters manufactured by Mattel were on the Target shelves.  The dolls themselves were fine.  But the packaging did not feature a link to WickedMovie.com, but instead Wicked.com – which is an adult porn site!  Imagine parents trying to explain to kids what Kenzie Loves Girls 2 is about – and if they can watch it without seeing the first flick!  Of course, I’m pleased to see any connection between Jonathan Bailey (Fiyero) and porn!  Mattel takes full responsibility, and the merchandise was pulled from the Target shelves.  But if any of you have one, hold onto it.  I bet it will be worth real money eventually.

Then there’s Nicole Scherzinger.  Poor, crazy but talented Nicole Scherzinger – who I bet has also given a handy or two in her day.  She’s in the middle of a career apex – starring in Sunset Boulevard on Broadway and being touted as a shoo-in for a Tony.  And then she sees Russell Brand’s Instagram post with a red hat that says “Make Jesus First Again” and decides to type, “Where do I get this hat?”  I don’t wanna imply there’s anything wrong with liking Jesus, or Ramtha, or David Miscavige.  But when you see those words on a red hat – well, she’s not that stupid.  She knew what that meant – as did scores of theatre queens.  People took to social media like they saw a video of her killing a baby…or at least killing a song.  They gave away their tickets, called for boycotts, and chastised her.  Clearly Nicole has some good gay friends, because someone obviously pulled her aside and said, “You in danger, girl!”  She took to social media, saying she wanted to “deeply apologize for the hurt caused by my recent engagement with some social media posts.  I made a mistake of not realizing that they could be easily interpreted as being politically related and I apologize to anyone who understandably reached that conclusion.”

Speaking of Broadway, one of the funniest clips I’ve seen in ages was Jonathan Groff on the Tactful Pettiness podcast.  He was asked to address the rumor started by the late Naya Rivera that Lea Michele can’t read!  He really couldn’t talk – he was shaking uncontrollably and giggling like a schoolgirl.  He then admitted that he’s actually seen her read from a script, and that she does not come to set “off book”.  I’ll post this hysterical clip, along with a video of Lea actually “reading” (unless she memorized it in advance), on BillyMasters.com.

By the by, Groff recently got some good news.  He will star in a new musical about singer Bobby Darrin.  Just in Time will begin previews March 28^th and open on April 23^rd.  Groff is also a co-producer.

One of Jonathan’s more notable exes, Gavin Creel, will be celebrated on Broadway with two special events.  On Monday, December 2^nd at 4PM, there will be a public memorial service at the St. James Theatre.  And then on Tuesday, December 3^rd at 6:45PM, Broadway will dim their marquee lights.  Sure to be a magical moment.

“The clown car can’t come into the White House at will.”   
– Susie Wiles, Donald Trump’s new Chief of Staff.

“What if the clown is in the White House?”   
– Joy Behar, co-host of The View.

Sure, you’re unhappy.  I get it.  As unhappy as you are, I guarantee you I can name someone even less happy – Melania!  Did you see that woman on election night?  “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!”  Come to think of it, where has she been?  With Ivanka?  Or Shelly Miscavige?  Wherever she’s been staying, I’m confident she’s not planning on spending time in D.C.  But someone better keep an eye on Trump.  As crazy as he is, trust me when I say Vance is more dangerous. 

You know someone who is happy?  Ralph Brennan.  You don’t know him, but he was one of Trump’s campus coordinators from Michigan State – class of 2026.  Class of 2026!  My God, how old does that make him?  I don’t have my abacus handy, but I believe I can legally give him a handy!  Sure, he’s also crazy.  But he’s also kinda crazy hot – as straight college boys so often are.  But, shh, don’t tell him.  Eh, what the hell – go ahead and tell him.  Those guys always love attention from gay men!

Our Ask Billy question comes from a veteran of this column.  Gary in Dallas writes, “What caused Dan Benson to go off on David Henrie?”

Once again, a question about people nobody’s heard of.  Correction – I knew who Dan Benson was, in the broadest of terms.  I know he’s a former Disney kid who does porn…correction, OnlyFans (porn with a credit card).  Dan made his bones (as they say) on Wizards of Waverly Place – I say as if I know what that is!  And apparently David Henrie was on the show as well, along with the current sequel, Wizards Beyond Waverly Place.  David did an interview where the host put up a few photos and asked which former co-star should make a guest appearance on the new show.  Henrie said, “I can’t believe you guys put one of these people on here.  Millennials understand that.”  Which was implied as shading Benson’s porn…modeling career.  So Benson Tweeted, “David Henrie can suck my dick.  I’ll pay him more than they paid me for Wizards I promise you that.”  It doesn’t help that David is a pro-life conservative and Dan is…well, you know.  The last shot came from David…well, I guess it came from them both.  David blocked Dan from following him or viewing his post.  Dan responded, “We pretended to be best friends for years.  How could you do this to me??”  Check out the whole scintillating story on BillyMasters.com.

When I can spend 200 words on people I don’t even know, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  So, the election is here.  I already turned in my ballot.  After the elderly ladies put my ballot in the box, I asked, “Is this one of those boxes that blows up at midnight?”  They laughed – thank God!  They gave me a sticker, and I said, “Thank you for your service.”  Then I added, “This is the first time I’ve ever said that with my pants on!”  After all, it is Wilton Manors!  So get out, do your patriotic duty, and then check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s nonpartisan (some of those conservatives sho is cute).  If you’ve got a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Chi Chi LaRue directs Chalamet in Chains!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

It’s the story that’s everywhere, so I guess we have to address it.  Shawn Mendes was performing at Red Rocks, Colorado, and was about to sing one of his new songs – “The Mountain”.  Some of the lyrics follow: “You can say what you need to say / you can say I’m too young / you can say I’m too old / you can say I like girls or boy / whatever fits your mold.”  Before the song, he said the following: “I didn’t get to do a lot of the 15-year-old things and discover parts of myself.  Since I was really young, there’s this thing about my sexuality, and people have been talking about it for so long…it always felt like such an intrusion on something very personal to me…something that I was figuring out in myself, something that I had yet to discover and still have yet to discover it.”  After the song he added, “The real truth about my life and sexuality is that, man, I’m just figuring it out like everyone else.  I don’t really know sometimes, and I know other times…I’m trying to be really brave and allow myself to be a human and feel things.  And that’s all I really want to say about that for now.”  Of course, you can hear the song and see Shawn’s full confession on BillyMasters.com.

Shawn’s lucky he wasn’t on Making the Band.  After Lou Pearlman stepped aside, the show was hosted by Sean Combs.  From Lou to Diddy?  What – was John Wayne Gacy not available?  No surprise, two men claim to have been assaulted by Diddy.  Next thing you’ll tell me Lou touched Ikaika, and all that footage of Ashley Parker Angel in the shower was for Lou’s personal collection.  But getting back to Combs, in 2005 he allegedly invited a 10-year-old boy to his hotel room, and gave him a soda that was allegedly laced with drugs.  The boy lost consciousness and later woke up to find his pants undone and a pain in his anus and buttocks.  Add in a Bacardi Wine Cooler, and you have my Halloween night in a nutshell.  But what was Puffy’s MO?  Was he auditioning to play Cosby in a biopic?  We don’t know more details because the boys have a gag order – and I swear I’m not gonna say what I’m thinking.  But I do have one question.  How does someone go from fucking a 10-year-old boy to fucking Jennifer Lopez?  Come to think of it, how did J-Lo go from Puff Daddy to Ben Affleck?  Twice?  It boggles the mind.

A Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest took place on the Sunday before Halloween in Washington Square Park in New York City – not a designated section of the park, not an area with a permit, just “a meetup”.  The event was the brainchild of YouTuber Anthony Po, who has been referred to as a “less hot Timothée Chalamet”.  Between his social media connections and the legion of followers handing out fliers, the contest drew thousands of advance RSVPs – people were actually turned away.  One of the people who made it in was Chalamet himself.  Po wanted Chalamet to compete, but he was quickly hustled away since the crowds were out of control.  Police intervened and Po was fined $500 for “having an unauthorized costume contest”.  When the cops tried to disperse the crowd, one would-be Chalamet resisted and was arrested.  Po says, “I’m talking to him and gonna be paying his legal fees and all that good stuff.”  What is the good stuff?  Oh yeah…picture Timothée Chalamet in a prison shower!

Of course, Halloween is the busiest time of the year for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.  In one of her many media appearances, she revealed that several years ago, a celebrity unexpectedly turned up at one of her shows – with 20 guests!  Elvira was coy about the name, but said it rhymed with Pariana Mande.  Elvira’s people let them in – gratis, naturally.  Once in, Pariana asked if her guests could all go backstage and take photos with the ghoulish gal pre-show.  Not the way things are usually done, but Elvira was gracious (remind me to tell you about the time I went to her estate sale).  But when Elvira asked to take a photo with Pariana, the response was, “No, I don’t really do that.”  The nerve!  When Ariana Grande saw this story on Instagram, she responded: “I’m so disheartened to see this.  I actually don’t even remember getting the chance to meet you because I had an anxiety attack and to my memory, left before the rest of my family…but if I’m misremembering this moment, I sincerely apologize for offending you so.”  She also thanked Elvira for being so nice to her mom.  What?  Frankie wasn’t there??

“Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if me and Trump won just the normal
gay guy vote, because again, they just want to be left the hell alone.”   
– One of JD Vance’s more titillating (and grammatically questionable) comments to Joe Rogan. 
Speaking on behalf of normal gay guys (whatever that is), I really do want to be left the hell alone…from him!

Did you enjoy your Halloween?  Mine started out on a bad note when CNN showed a Trump rally in Nevada hyping up the audience by playing Belinda Carlisle’s “Heaven is a Place on Earth”.  On behalf of Miss Carlisle (to say nothing of Miss Warren), I took umbrage at him co-opting the song.  But they’re in good company with other artists who have been in the same boat.  If nothing else, I guess we can all be grateful he wasn’t onstage “dancing”!

Anyone who says Cher does more farewell tours than anyone has clearly never heard of The Go-Go’s.  They’ve had about half a dozen.  Their brief 2022 tour after being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame was the most recent farewell.  But, never say never again – The Go-Go’s are back.  They are one of the performers at the Cruel World Fest at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena on May 17^th.  They’re on the bill with such folk as New Order, Devo, Garbage, Madness, ‘Til Tuesday, etc.  If our girls are true to form, they’ll do a handful of other area concerts.

Speaking of Cher, the thrilling Thirsty Burlington finished a spectacular run of her Cher 1987 show this summer in Provincetown.  Well, she’s returning to the scene of the crime for a special one-night-only event called Christmas is Cher-ing.  Now, I’m no rocket scientist, but that sure sounds to me like a Cher Christmas Special.  Quick, someone alert Paul Shaffer (never mind – I just texted him).  The spectacle takes place on December 7^th at the Crown & Anchor in Provincetown.  Tickets are available at OnlyAtTheCrown.com.

Then there’s the riotous Randy Roberts, who has been delighting audiences at La Te Da in Key West for eons.  And he just got a plumb gig which will be televised live around the globe!  For 25 years, the sensational Sushi has rung in the New Year in Key West by being lowered in a red stiletto from the balcony of the Bourbon Street Pub.  2022 marked Sushi’s last year.  In 2023, Christopher Peterson of Eycons fame slipped into the perilously perched pump.  This year, Randy Roberts takes over the tradition – which typically airs live on CNN.

Our Ask Billy question comes from the world of real-life crime.  Patrick in San Francisco writes, “I know you wrote about that guy from Abercrombie in the past.  I saw he was just arrested.  What’s going on?”

Former A&F CEO Mike Jeffries was arrested and charged with 15 counts of prostitution and sex trafficking.  Of course, most of these charges have been enumerated in the various documentaries about the case, but let me briefly recap.  It’s been alleged by many very attractive young men that they were pressed into various sexual activities at various locales with the promise of becoming A&F models.  I wasn’t surprised that Jeffries pled not guilty.  I was surprised that he was placed under house arrest after posting a $10 million bail bond using his home as collateral.  Until his next court hearing on December 12^th, he is prohibited from contacting co-defendants, witnesses, or victims.  Well, that’s his whole address book.  Who does that leave?  Probably not his partner, Matthew Smith, who was arrested but not arraigned…yet (although the judge did rule that the British citizen not leave the country).  Another person arrested but not yet arraigned was their “associate” James Jacobson, who helped “procure” the boys.

When most of these stories take place in Southern Florida, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Didn’t I mention that Jeffries and Smith were arrested in West Palm Beach?  Not even Palm Beach proper!  Oh, the humanity.  Of course, more classic Billy Masters content can be found on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that breaks no laws…only commandments.  If you’ve got a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I get my car back from the shop!  Before we wrap up, a reminder – get out and vote.  You know what I say – vote early, vote often.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Darlene Love famously appeared on Broadway in the musical Hairspray by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman.  Another Shaiman/Wittman show is poised to take Broadway by storm.  On March 11, 2025, the stage version of Smash will finally hit the Great White Way.  The musical, based on the short-lived 2012 NBC series of the same name, has been in the making since the show wrapped.  Rather than mount the Marilyn Monroe musical Bombshell (which is what the series was about), Smash will be a mélange of that show and the series drama.  The announcement was made last week on Marc Shaiman’s birthday – so happy bday, Marc.  And congrats!!!

Elsewhere on Broadway, Jim Parsons just opened in a revival of Our Town, alongside the estimable talents of (among other people), Miss Katie Holmes.  During an interview, he was asked about the possibility of returning to the role of Sheldon Cooper.  “As we sit here now, no, but also I would never say never to anything, because life just changes so much.  You know, one of the things is that it was so special as what it was as what it is.  And they call it lightning in a bottle for a reason, and you can be certain it wouldn’t be that.  And so why would we be doing it?”  Perhaps one reason he’s not so enthusiastic is he hasn’t been away from the character for very long.  Sure, The Big Bang Theory wrapped in 2019, but he was executive producer and narrator on the sitcom’s prequel, Young Sheldon, which just ended.  An unexpected twist was ending that series by showing Sheldon and wife Amy (Mayim Bialik) in the future.  “It just felt like a perfect little coda on the end of that entire beautiful experience.”

There might be similar reasons to revisit the character coming up.  For instance, his onscreen brother and sister-in-law just kicked off their own series – George and Mandy’s First Marriage.  And that may not be the only spinoff.  There is talk for Kevin Sussman (manager of the comic book store), Lauren Lapkus (his girlfriend) and Brian Posehn (geologist) to have their own spinoff at HBO, or Max, or whatever they’re calling it these days.

Buzz is surrounding a return to the small screen of White Collar.  The show’s creator Jeff Eastin revealed that a follow-up series, White Collar Renaissance, is in the works.  He’s written the pilot script, titled Masquerade and, reportedly, Matt Bomer, Tim DeKay and Tiffani Thiessen are all onboard for this reboot.  Stay tuned.

“I’m a good singer, you know.  I’m a good singer. 
I’m not a great singer, right.  But, you know what?  I’ll take good.”   
– Cher during her induction speech to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

While I was cavorting with the glitterati in SoBe, Taylor Swift was at nearby Hard Rock Stadium regaling the masses – well, the masses who could afford tickets!  This would normally not be column-worthy, but spotted in the crowd were Ivanka Trump (Kushner) and her 13-year-old daughter, Arabella.  While nary a female Trump can ever be found at any of Donald’s rallies, the one he wants to sleep with went to see someone he loathes.  Although, to be fair, he’s also said nice things about Taylor.  Once he said, “I think she’s beautiful – very beautiful.  I find her very beautiful.”  Then he said, “I was not a Taylor Swift fan…She’s a very liberal person, she seems to always endorse a Democrat and she’ll probably pay a price for it in the marketplace.”  Actually, I think Ivanka is the one who did the paying – and from her seat location, it was a pretty penny, to be sure.

Meanwhile, a legendary lady was treated rather poorly at another glittering affair.  Darlene Love, a member of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame class of 2011, was invited to this year’s Induction Ceremony – specifically because they were honoring her friends and collaborators Dionne Warwick and Cher (who she recorded with last year).  All seemed fine at first.  She and her husband were flown out, put up, etc.  While it seemed they had rolled out the red carpet for her, Darlene was not actually allowed on the red carpet. And that was just the beginning.  She was seated way back in the hall, she couldn’t visit her friends backstage, and she was kept from the press.  When she got home, Darlene went public with the snub saying, “It’s disheartening to see how much the event has strayed from its roots.  The music industry is about our contributions, not just the fanfare.  Do better next time, Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.”  Within moments of her post going public, she got a call from the president of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Greg Harris.  He “personally apologized to me and all the other inductees who felt mistreated at Saturday’s event…We ended the call with love, understanding, and no hard feelings.”  So, I guess I’m the only one who’s still pissed off!  To quote Bette Midler, who inducted Darlene into the Rock Hall of Fame, “We hold a grudge”.

Last week, a friend was in an accident using my Los Angeles car – the favorite in my fleet of cars.  He was OK, but the car was less fortunate.  Eh, that’s what insurance is for.  But due to its age and the amount of damage, the insurance company wanted to total it.  “It’s old,” said the adjuster.  “It’s not old,” said my mechanic, “it’s a classic.”  Both words roughly mean the same thing, but have different connotations.  Am I old?  Sure – but like my mangled car, I’m also a classic.  I told the insurance guy I wasn’t totaling it – she still has a whole lotta years left in her.  If I have to pay for repairs out of pocket, so be it.  They re-evaluated and decided to fix it.  ‘Cause it’s a classic!

I returned to the glittering gay scene in South Beach for the Task Force’s annual gala at the Miami Beach Convention Center.  As you know, the National LGBTQ Task Force (TaskForce.org) fights discrimination, anti-gay legislation, and most importantly, helps people get out and vote.  The gala honors people who support their mission, and this year the honorees were my pals Jim Tyrrell and Roger Thomson, along with Karamo from Queer Eye.  Jai Rodriguez, a QE OG, hosted alongside the irrepressible Ginger Minj.  Athena Dion set the tone with her pre-show set.  Powerhouse vocalist Frenchie Davis sang, and then joined Jai and company for a rendition of “Seasons of Love” from Rent (Frenchie and Jai did the show together on Broadway).  You can see that video on our website.  SoBe royalty Edison Farrow and David Sexton made sure I met everyone.  David even flew in his pal Kimberley Locke (more on her later). 

I was seated next to the Real Housewives of Miami.  Full disclosure – I’ve never seen the show and didn’t know who any of them were.  But they were all lovely – in that vaguely Telemundo sort of way.  I was particularly drawn to the diminutive Adriana de Moura.  She’s one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever met, and has the most captivating eyes.  During our chat, I was delighted to learn that we have something in common – a background as classical pianists.  We may collaborate on something special in the near future. 

The next day, many of the performers from the Task Force Gala came out for the SAVE.LGBT Freedom Rally at the Miami Beach Bandshell.  While I was unable to attend, I did get a video of Frenchie and Kimberley Locke joining forces on “Band of Gold”, which they first did during Hollywood Week on American Idol way back in 2003.  After over 20 years, they sound (and look) as good as ever.  Well, they’re classics – as you can see from the video on BillyMasters.com.

With days left until the election, could Meghan McCain be our October Surprise?  I know nobody is paying attention to her, and certainly she’s no Trump fan.  But she always seems to worm her way into a story.  She got particularly prickly when Kamala Harris invoked the memory of her father when she first joined the Senate.  “He says, ‘Kid, come over here.  You’re going to make a great senator.’  You know, we didn’t agree on everything, but, man, I mean, what about an incredible American hero?”  Compliment or not, this pissed off Meg.  “Now, I know democrats want to reinvent history and turn my Dad into any illusion you guys need him to be depending on the political moment you need to bastardize his memory for…but please don’t make me start sharing what I remember him ACTUALLY saying about Kamala Harris…And consider this my final warning shot, I will start spilling tea.”

Then author Cliff Schecter chimed in: “I wrote a book about your dad in ’08, as I’m sure you know, Meghan.  So go ahead and do it, nepo.  Then I’ll share what your father’s advisors & others close to him told me he really thought about you.  Things I had no reason to publish except to be cruel, but will happily share now in light of what you’ve become.  You go first…”  Game.  Set.  Match.

I’m not blaming this on my contacts (or lack thereof), but I had an odd reaction to seeing Lance Bass on a recent episode of Watch What Happens Live.  I know you won’t believe I’m saying this – I thought he looked really good!  I can’t explain it.  He had on these funky glasses.  Maybe it was that.  Or the hairstyle.  Or the highlights.  Or the scruff.  Or that he was sitting next to Andy Cohen.  I dunno, but I just thought he looked good.  That’s all.

When we can go from big Arnold Palmer to Lil Rod and everyone in between, it’s time to end yet another column.  Yes, once again, we ran very long.  So let me quickly remind you to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that never skimps on size.  We didn’t even have room for an Ask Billy question this week.  Take that as a challenge and send your queries along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Bradley Cooper clears up this whole Lady Gaga situation.  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Someone who most definitely used a prosthetic was J.K. Simmons during his turn as comedian Milton Berle in the Saturday Night film.  In one scene, Berle is flirting with Chevy Chase’s fiancé.  The two men tussle, and Chase says something like he has more to offer since he’s a young, up-and-coming star.  Then Uncle Milty unzips and pulls out his legendary largess to show who the bigger man is.  Except during one take, he pulled out the penis and it fell off and hit the ground (with a thud, one would assume).  Obviously they didn’t use that take!

There’ve been rumors for years that Lady Gaga has a penis.  This led to speculation that the dude only looked like a lady.  People claimed she was either born intersex or was transitioning (from what to what is another question entirely).  It started after a 2009 concert in Glastonbury, where some claimed Gaga sported a healthy bulge under her skirt.  There were even photos.  When Anderson Cooper did a profile of Gaga in 2011 for 60 Minutes, he asked if she had a penis.  “Maybe I do,” said Gaga.  “Would it be so terrible?  Why the hell am I going to waste my time and give a press release about whether or not I have a penis?  My fans don’t care, and neither do I.”  The segment didn’t air on TV, but the clip circulated online – which is really all people watch these days anyway. 

On What’s Next? The Future with Bill Gates, Gaga addressed it.  “When I was in my early twenties, there was a rumor that I was a man.  And I went all over the world.  I mean, I traveled for tours, for promoting my records, and almost every interview I sat in they said, you know – well, there was this imagery on the…on the Internet that had been doctored.  And they were like, you know, like, ‘There’s this rumor that you’re a man.’  Like, ‘What do you have to say about that?’  The reason why I didn’t answer the question was because I didn’t feel like a victim with that lie.  But I thought about, like, what about the kid that’s being accused of that, that would think that a public figure like me would feel shame?  I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve been in situations where fixing a rumor was not in the best interest of – I thought – of the well-being of other people.  In that case, I tried to be thought-provoking and disruptive in another away.  I tried to use the misinformation to create another disruptive point.”

We forget that the world was a different place in the ‘90s.  Back in 1996, the idea of men being sexually assaulted or raped was impossible for most people to imagine.  More than one pundit claimed that if Erik and Lyle Menendez had been the Menendez Sisters, they’d be free today (the case of Gypsy Rose Blanchard springs to mind).  After watching the Netflix and ABC News documentaries, it became clear the issue wasn’t about sexual abuse.  After all, the boys were both over 18 and could have moved away from home at any time.  They had to convince the jury that they felt they would be pursued and killed if they even tried to leave.  In fact, Erik claims that when he was 12, he tried to run away.  His father said, “If you ever run away…I will find you and I will kill you.”  It didn’t help that the judge didn’t allow any of the sexual abuse charges or the family testimony to be admitted in the second trial.  Also, the second trial only allowed the jurors to rule on the charge of first-degree murder (the first trial also had second-degree murder and manslaughter as options).  DA Gil Garcetti needed a win, and fewer options meant more chance of a conviction.  Now that the suppressed evidence has been reviewed – along with newly discovered corroborating documents – the Los Angeles District Attorney is reviewing the case by today’s standards.  Numerous reports seem to indicate that the boys could get a new trial – or perhaps simply be freed.

We’ve extensively reviewed Ryan Murphy’s colorful “adaptation” of the Menendez story.  My “admiration” for Cooper Koch as Erik has been duly noted.  But it’s interesting – the more I see him interviewed, the less taken I am.  Nothing against him, but he’s no Erik – I like my men with a body count!  But there’s one story he wants swallowed (which is the name of one of his previous flicks).  You’ll recall the shower scene in the docudrama between Erik and a fellow inmate.  In previous reports, it was stated that Cooper was sporting a “prosthetic penis”.  However, during an appearance on Watch What Happens Live last week, Koch made a startling revelation.  “Also just to say, mine was not a prosthetic,” said Cooper.  “That was going to be my next question!  Congratulations to you, Cooper.  You’re very blessed, aren’t you?” said Andy Cohen, who happily gobbled it up.  While I’m inclined to believe Koch, my follow-up question would have been, “And did you fluff yourself or did someone give you a hand?”  Because the penis in question was most certainly at half mast – as you’ll see on our website.

“Arnold Palmer was all man – and I say that with all due respect
to all women, and I LOVE women.  But this guy…this guy…
this is a guy that was all man.  This man was strong and tough. 
And I refuse to say it, but when he took showers with the other pros,
they came out of there they said, ‘Oh my God – that’s unbelievable!’ 
I had to say it.  I had to say it!”   
– Donald Trump waxes rhapsodically about Arnold Palmer. 
I can’t quite figure out – is he saying it with zeal or envy?

You all know that I like to keep it real, as the kids say (well, the kids said it in the ‘80s).  So, I want to make a confession – I have to wear reading glasses.  It’s gotten worse in recent years, especially when I have to read anything on stage or screen.  For those occasions, I’ve started wearing multifocal contact lenses, which I should wear all the time.  I just haven’t gotten into the habit.  Tonight, I was getting ready for the annual Task Force Gala in South Beach (more about that last week).  So I put the contacts in…just in case.  On my way out the door, I glanced in the mirror and thought, “My God – you’re looking a little rough.”  It’s not that I’d aged overnight.  I just don’t typically look in the mirror with contacts in.  I’d gotten used to everything being in soft focus – like when they shot Barbara Walters on The View, or Lucy in Mame!  So I have to either look in the mirror contact-free, or accept the aging process.  Or simply avoid mirrors!

I’ve stayed pretty silent on the Sean Combs situation – except when music producer Rodney Jones filed his sexual assault suit.  You remember Lil Rod (an unfortunate moniker under the best of circumstances) – he claimed Diddy groomed him as a gift for Cuba Gooding Jr. – you can read the details on BillyMasters.com.  I assumed that was that, until I combed through the lawsuits of over 120 alleged victims.  Then I read about a 42-year-old guy who was assaulted at Puffy’s 1998 White Party in the Hamptons.  I quickly did the math in my head and figured he was about 16 at the time that Combs allegedly told him to drop his pants.  Allegedly, the powerful producer began “squeezing and feeling” the teen’s penis and genitals.  Very similar to the Cuba complaint.  More to come, I’m sure.

Every once in a while, someone asks me about Calvin Klein’s former beau, Nick Gruber (no relation).  I seem to recall him being arrested after some out-of-control house party.   And I think there were a few brushes with the law that led to assault and drug charges.  But that was eons ago.  And then, poof, as if a gift from the gods, I looked up and saw him on TV.  No, he didn’t have a juicy role to sink his teeth into.  He was on the news – and the news wasn’t good.  It was a story about an older gay couple who lived in Santa Rosa, California.  During the pandemic, they took in a roommate – or a “roommate” – they didn’t clarify.  After doing a clearly not thorough background check, they rented Nick a room of his own.  A month later, the house was raided!  Why?  Police said it was a routine probation check.  Neighbors saw people coming and going, talked to the landlords, and a dispute ensued.  Police showed up and found a locked safe which had a gun, nine pounds of methamphetamines, and $10K in cash.

Gruber doesn’t say he was “dealing drugs”.  He says he was a “broker” in “the drug industry”.  OK, so he’s a dealer with a thesaurus!  He was still convicted and went to jail for two years.  Legally, the landlords were advised to send an eviction notice to Gruber in prison which also stated that if someone didn’t claim his belongings, they would be disposed of.  The landlords say they donated the stuff to the Mormon Church.  Oh, the humanity!  Gruber claims his belongings included thousands of dollars of designer clothes, furnishings and jewelry.  He sued the couple for the value of his missing property – which he totaled at $182K!  Problem was, he didn’t have receipts (well…you know…).  One item on his list caught my eye.  He says he had an H&M V-neck shirt costing $225.  Honey, I shop at H&M – NOTHING costs that much!  The judge awarded him $8,683.92, which Nick felt was a win!  You can see his interview and the entire news report on BillyMasters.com.

(It has since been pointed out to me that the $225 was for 10 H&M V-neck shirts.  Much more reasonable.  But now that I’m looking at the amount of clothes he claims to have had, I wonder if he was running an outlet!)

Our Ask Billy question is actually more of an answer.  Patrick in San Francisco writes, “If you’ve never watched Naked and Afraid, you’ve missed out on the hottest little twunk to come around in a long time – Dan Link.”

I have indeed watched Naked and Afraid and written about it in this very column.  Patrick goes on to tell me that Dan is the first openly gay man to win Naked and Afraid – Last One Standing, which took place in South Africa.  Apparently Dan is a scientist, but did some nude modeling in his earlier years.  Since Patrick shared with me, I’ll share with you – on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m looking up the word “twunk”, it’s definitely time to end another column.  I bet Nick could look it up in his thesaurus.  Once again, we ran long – which sounds like some of the photos you’ll find on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s never afraid of nudity!  If you have a question or want to share a find of your own, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Liza gets her fourth hip (and you know what that means…the fifth one is free).  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“According to Barbra, I would have no career if it weren’t for her. 
She turned down Barbarella, she turned down Klute,
They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? and Julia. 
Can you see her…oh, never mind.”   
– Jane Fonda shakes her head – probably at the thought of Babs in any
of those Barbarella outfits.  I mean, the boots alone could kill her!

We interrupt this column for a special announcement – Bette Midler wants to make a sequel to one of her classic flicks.  Given the time of year, you’d think I meant Hocus Pocus 3.  And, yes, she does want to do that.  But that’s not what we’re talking about.  Sure, talk of a second First Wives Club surfaces every once in a while.  The Fabulous Four probably put an end to that.  Instead, Midler would like to see where CC Bloom ended up when she got older.  Yes, she wants to make Beaches 2!  Of course, she doesn’t have a script, a director, or a story.  In fact, I don’t believe she even has the rights!  But she told an interviewer, “It would be great if I could revisit that character at this age.  I think it would be marvelous.  And the songs would be great.”  From your lips…

The Broadway League has (once again) reversed a catastrophically bad decision: “In recognition of the passing of several beloved Broadway community members in recent weeks, and in honor of their significant impact on that community, the Committee of Theatre Owners has announced that they will dim the lights of all Broadway theatres in New York in honor of Adrian Bailey, Gavin Creel, and Maggie Smith.”  They add, “In addition, the Committee is reviewing their current dimming policy and procedures.”  Many people have asked me, “What is the big deal?  Flick a switch, dim some lights, move on.”  And that would be great, if it were that simple.  I’m told many unions are involved and the dimming of lights (typically accompanied by some graphic which some techie in high school could probably facilitate in seconds) – ends up costing thousands of dollars.  Can’t someone make an app for that?

This ruling was made in the nick of time.  I’m not saying Liza is near death, but you know…tick tock.  We previously told you that Miss Minnelli is working on her memoirs.  The book will be called Kids, Wait ‘Till You Hear This and is scheduled to be released in the spring of 2026.  As you know, she’s being assisted on this project by her bestie, Michael Feinstein.  “We’ve been joined at the hip for 40 years,” says Liza – a curious statement from someone who has had no fewer than three hip replacements!  I bet having someone joined to your hip makes the replacement a whole lot more complicated.  Liza calls Feinstein “my absolute favorite collaborator.  Michael’s one of the greats, he’s razor-sharp and he tells the truth.  That’s important because, as I fly toward my eighth decade of living, memories differ.”  I bet they do.  Speaking of differing memories, let’s start with Liza thinking she can fly!

With precious few projects on the horizon for women of a certain age, Barbra Streisand is continuing to stroll down memory lane.  Hot on the heels of her best-selling memoir, she’s now opening up even more.  She’s planning to participate in a large-scale documentary which will take advantage of her vast archive of material.  While she is allegedly not controlling the narrative (as if), the producers have said the following: “The production has been granted unprecedented access to Streisand’s personal archives, including hundreds of hours of personal, never-before-seen video, photographs, audio recordings, and personal keepsakes from throughout her acclaimed career.”  That couldn’t have been hard – they just had to go to one of those shops in her basement.

I’m writing to you from a plane, sitting between two (ostensibly) heterosexual men.  Having nothing to do, my first thought was to watch some gay porn.  Instead, I did something even gayer.  I turned on the last two episodes of Dancing with the Stars!  I think my reasons for not watching this show and The Bachelor are well documented.  However, if that former Bachelor, Joey Graziadei, isn’t a ringer, then I don’t know who is.  This is someone who moves like a professional dancer…and I know this because for several seasons I was “dating” half of the Boston Ballet.  I also question whether this Bachelor has interest in anyone female…but that’s another story (we learned he’s a former cheerleader).  Obviously I have a fondness for hometown boy Danny Amendola, and I can’t fault him for showing off that body!  As for some behind-the-scenes gossip, I hear that one of the pros was told to lose weight or their contract would not be renewed.  Speaking of scuttlebutt (and what a butt it is), rumor has it that another pro on the show is itching to come out.  Problem is, it could ruffle a few feathers.  Lastly, on their tribute to Soul Train, is it just me or did Dwight Howard bear a striking resemblance to Sheryl Underwood from The Talk?

By the by, didya know that prior to going on DWTS, Joey got something called armpit Botox!  An alleged expert says, “Botox in the underarms treats hyperhidrosis and helps reduce pit stains.  It makes sure Joey stays sweat free on DWTS”.  The more you know…

How was your week?  Probably better than Anderson Cooper’s – to say nothing of all the people in West Florida.  There he was, in Bradenton, Florida, getting pummeled…and not in the good way!  Call me crazy, but I always thought Coop would enjoy getting hit in the face with something slippery and wet.  “Woah!  That wasn’t good,” said Andy.  Eh, chacun à son gout.  Meanwhile on CBS, your favorite and mine, Rob Marciano, resurfaced just a few miles away from Cooper in Tampa.  After being canned by ABC, he was gobbled up by the Eye Network.  You know what that means?  Mrs. Muir now has to record TWO evening news shows!

Our Ask Billy question comes from Gary in Houston: “Where is Akbar Gbajabiamila?  What happened to him?”

I wanted to say I have no idea who that is, and then I remembered he’s the football player on The Talk.  He’s also on a show called Good Morning Football – which I, predictably, know nothing about.  Akbar (if I may call him that) missed a few of his scheduled appearances last week due to his prior commitment to American Ninja Warrior – finally, a show I’ve heard of.  As to The Talk, I find it curious that the network would shell out money for a new theme song.  After all, low-rated daytime chat show has been cancelled and is going off the air in December.  What will take its place?  We hear CBS is giving the timeslot to a new soap opera, Beyond the Gates.

When soaps are making a comeback, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  As we went to press, a mutual friend told me of the passing of Christopher Ciccone (brother of you-know-who).  While we were not particularly close, Christopher and I ran in the same circles in LA and he was always fun to be around.  Chris and Madge’s stepmom, Joan, also passed away last week.  The idea that life is so fleeting reminds me of something Gavin Creel said at the end of his last text to a friend: “Not living is the one thing I have learned so far during this time that is NO LONGER AN OPTION EVER AGAIN.  Live.  If you are alive LIVE.”  And if you wanna really be living, check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll go from Creel to Potsie in the blink of an eye!  If you have a question, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before we do a column of the correct length again!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

I finally finished watching Monsters: The Lyle and Erik Menéndez Story.  Not that it was a chore – I was simply savoring it.  I loves me some Menéndez boys.  I’ve always been more partial to Erik than to Lyle.  I felt the same way here.  In this version, Erik is far more, shall we say, “fluid” than Lyle – except in the shower, which is a whole other story.  In any Ryan Murphy oeuvre, we have come to expect a certain amount of artistic license.  In this one, he doesn’t disappoint.  Call me crazy, but I find it hard to believe that these boys were lounging alone in a hotel room wearing only colorful bikini briefs while ordering shrimp.  Something seemed – well, fishy.  There was also lots of sexual content.  We had José touching the boys (and more), Kitty check out Lyle’s junk, the boys soaping up each other (in a manly sort of way), and Erik teasing guys of color in the prison shower with his perfect ass.  The actor says the penis was a prosthetic.  But you can’t fake that ass – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Let me say a bit about the casting.  As far as I was concerned, the star of the show was Ari Graynor, who played the unlikeable Leslie Abramson (and looked strikingly like Jennifer Grey two noses ago).  She was riveting.  Nathan Lane gave a wonderful performance without even the slightest resemblance to Dominick Dunne (but there was something vaguely reminiscent in his halting speech pattern).  I’m no fan of Ms. Sevigny – so that was probably good casting.  Javier Bardem didn’t grab me – which puts me ahead of his sons.  Lyle was perfectly played by Nicholas Alexander Chavez – who claims to have never heard of the family before he auditioned for the part.  And Erik was embodied eerily by Cooper Koch – who is openly gay, and looks like a young Matthew Ludwinski.  Koch had quite a tour de force with Episode Five, which was shot in a single take.  I’d like to think he’ll be remembered at Emmy time – while I’ll remember other aspects of his “performance” frequently.

The miniseries (which is what we’d call it in the old days) has been met with both praise and criticism – starting with Erik Menéndez himself, who called it “disheartening slander”.  Ryan Murphy said, “I think it’s interesting that he’s issued a statement without having seen the show.”  The brothers can’t be too pissed off at Netflix – they participated in a documentary called The Menéndez Brothers via extensive audio interviews.  Rosie O’Donnell, who has gotten close to Lyle over the years (she’s visited him and interviewed him on her podcast), advised him to never watch the show – but added that perhaps the attention would be helpful to their cause.  In recent years, their claims of sexual abuse have gained traction, particularly after last year’s docuseries, Menéndez + Menudo: Boys Betrayed.  Kim Kardashian visited with the brothers – which must have done wonders for their “morale”.  She said: “Had this crime been committed and trialed today, I believe the outcome would have been dramatically different.”  Kim didn’t visit the brothers alone – she brought Cooper Koch.  Cooper spoke to Erik before the show premiered and says, “I got to have a really good conversation with him and tell him that I believe him and I did everything I could as an actor to advocate for him and portray him as authentically as possible.”  During his visit, he says he got to embrace both brothers!  The LA District Attorney is conducting a “review of evidence” in anticipation of a November 29^th hearing for the brothers’ petition for a new trial.

Speaking of Broadway, I was intrigued when I heard about the upcoming revival of Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot.  No, it wasn’t the play that intrigued me – it was the casting.  The stars will be those dueling thespians, Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter!  The Bill & Ted twosome have been looking for something to do together, and the plan for this 2025 revival seemed like a good idea to someone.  You might wanna dim some lights for that!

A reunion you won’t see anytime soon is Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet.  The gay couple from Modern Family was slated for a TV spinoff.  No details were ever announced, but Stonestreet recently revealed that both actors were committed to the spinoff, a pilot was written, and the network was interested.  And then they weren’t.  “I think Jesse and I maybe felt like [the network] thought of us as the old guys, or something like that, that didn’t seem worthy of keeping those characters going.  It felt a little hurtful.  But people make business decisions.”  Eric isn’t giving up on another Modern Family project.  He’d like to see a Christmas special.  Stay tuned…

Another reunion is taking place on the big screen – although I’m fairly confident most people will wait to see it at home.  Freddie Prinze Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt have signed on to make a sequel to the 1997 classic I Know What You Did Last Summer – which was one of my favorite books in junior high.  Fun Fact – Freddie and Love were also in the 1998 sequel, creatively titled, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.  No word on if other original cast members like Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar will join in.  Or maybe one of them died in the original.  I dunno – I never saw it.  But I’ve got the VHS sitting in a pile of stuff I have to watch…eventually.

In other film reunion news, Anne Hathaway just signed on for Princess Diaries 3.  I assume that means Julie Andrews and Heather Matarazzo will be back.  ‘Cause, well, you know…

“I did good interview.  Please don’t bury me on golf course!”   
– Joy Behar imagines what Melania Trump would say to Donald!  It’s even better
when you see her do it in the video – which, of course, is on our website.

Last week’s column ran REALLY long.  This week is even longer.  So no personal anecdote.  Nothing from my colorful life.  No stories about partying with one of the hottest men in Hollywood at a mutual friend’s 60^th birthday last week.  No telling you how many times he said, “Feel my thigh.  It’s like a rock!”  No, I don’t have time.  Stop asking.  I can’t even tell you how triggered I felt seeing a shirtless photo of Anson Williams.  Yes, he looks good for 75.  But I don’t want to feel anything on him – even if it feels like a rock!  Don’t waste the pill on me, Potsie.

Apropos of our opening quote, let’s talk about celebrity deaths.  When I moved to LA a quarter of a century ago, one of the first people who befriended me was Zsa Zsa Gabor.  That is not germane to this story since she’s been dead for a while.  But I’m always happy to bring up Zsa Zsa.  One of the other people was Ken Page – most renowned for being the first Old Deuteronomy in Cats, a role Zsa Zsa somehow never played.  One of my favorite Page stories was when he appeared with Jenifer Lewis in Ain’t Misbehavin’ – in Amish Country.  He affectionately referred to that production as Amish Behavin’.  I believe it was lit with kerosene!  Ken was a hoot, didn’t take himself too seriously, and always put a smile on your face.  He died at the relatively young age of 70.

If Ken was young, Gavin Creel was a toddler.  The passing at 48 of a person often referred to as “Broadway’s Prince” was shocking to me.  It was also shocking to Gavin, who only learned he had a relatively rare form of cancer in July.  During his truncated career, he won a Tony, Grammy, Olivier, and a Drama Desk Award.  His Tony came for Hello, Dolly! opposite Bette Midler.  A tireless activist and co-founder of Broadway Impact, his family has requested that any gifts in his memory be made to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

As you probably know, when stage actors die, Broadway theaters often dim their lights – as they did recently for James Earl Jones.  While no announcement has been made regarding this honor for Ken Page or Dame Maggie Smith, there will be an acknowledgement for Gavin…kinda.  After three Tony nominations, one win, and eight Broadway shows over the past twenty years, it was announced that “select Broadway theaters will dim their lights for the late Gavin Creel”.  What the fuck is that “select Broadway theaters” bullshit?

Leave it to a comedian to screw up my column.  I had all sorts of things ready to write about Joel Kim Booster – which would have been a perfect transition because he was scheduled to host the Task Force Gala.  But, no, he had to had to pull out (I hate when guys do that) due to one of those “unforeseen circumstances”.  Now I have no reason to tell you that he proposed to his partner John-Michael Sudsina while they were on vacation in Korea.  I also can’t tell you that proposal or not, their relationship is still “open” – at least according to Booster’s Tweet recounting a recent trick asking, “Does your husband know you’re here?” (except Joel typed it in those alternating lower- and upper-case letters that people in their 30s think is cute).  Joel’s retort was, “Yeah bitch I’m on your Instagram right now deciding which photo I’m gonna show him of the annoying guy I just fucked.”  Lastly, I also have no reason to say that when asked about his full-frontal scene in the flick Industry, Booster said, “It didn’t seem like that big a deal.”  That’s what the trick said!  Judge for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

Speaking of dicks, this week’s Ask Billy question comes from Carmen in Chicago: “What do you know about Seth Rose?  I hear he’s a big anti-gay guy, and yet he did gay porn.  Huh??”

Nothing surprises me anymore.  Gubernatorial candidate Mark Robinson being on a trans porn website calling himself a black Nazi?  YAWN.  The person Carmen is asking about is Trump supporter Corey DeAngelis, known as Seth Rose on GayHoopla.com (ok, the name of that website does surprise me).  While DeAngelis is known as a Fox News darling who advocates for dismantling public schools, Seth is known as a “hot otter” in a video called Jerk Off Race – a race he won, by the by.  While DeAngelis/Rose doesn’t directly interact with men, he doesn’t mind watching or being watched.  Feel free to watch him for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When it’s 11 o’clock somewhere, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  We ran really REALLY long.  So I’ll have to wait until next week to tell you about the Menendez brothers!  Keep checking out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that has mothers, monsters and Menendezes.  If you have a question for me, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I join Ellen and Oprah for a girl’s night out.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

“This is the best show ever!”  I said that several times during Mama I’m a Big Girl Now at The Wallis in Beverly Hills.  After saying it the third time, I was sure of two things: 1) I had to open my review with those words and B) If this show becomes a big hit, my quote will be in every ad!  You would think seeing Marissa Jaret Winokur, Laura Bell Bundy and Kerry Butler (the original stars of Hairspray) would be a little stroll down memory lane.  But how wrong you’d be.  Every number is a major hit from a major show – it’s like a collection of 11 o’clock numbers!  This is a fun-filled, jam-packed, 90-minute love fest of three divas who have chops, belts, and receipts.  They might have taken Broadway by storm 22 years ago, but each of them has more than enough credits to fill a solo show.  OK, maybe not Marissa, but she was on Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity Big Brother, and fired from The Talk – so she’s got plenty to talk about.  The love between them is genuine and the “let’s put on a show” attitude is uproarious.  And we learned things.  For instance, Britney Spears was LBB’s understudy in Ruthless, Kerry won a whole lotta beauty pageants, and Marissa wants to play Mama Rose so badly, she can taste it (she’d be sensational).  Yes, I already knew all of that already, but maybe you didn’t.  Either way, it’s all presented in such a delicious way, I could see it again and again.  And I very well might.  This one-night-only LA gig was just a warm-up for off-Broadway’s New World Stages.  They kick off shows on November 2^nd for a limited run – “run” being the operative word.  RUN – don’t walk – and get your tickets at MamaImABigGirlNow.com.  Tell ‘em Billy sent ya!

Kerry and LBB brought down the house with a high-voltage performance of “For Good” (LBB has played Glinda on Broadway, while Kerry hasn’t taken on Elphaba…yet).  Their performance reminded me of a story I didn’t get to in last week’s column.  To avoid the head-to-head competition that happened at the Tonys, the powers-that-be behind the film of Wicked will be submitting Cynthia Erivo as Best Lead Actress and Ariana Grande as Best Supporting Actress for the Oscars.  So when Ariana doesn’t win anything, she can’t blame Cynthia.

I’m going to get this out of the way – I no longer like Ellen DeGeneres.  I’m saying this upfront so that you can stop reading if you disagree with me, or simply just skip this paragraph.  But if you’re still reading, know that I was a big fan.  How big?  I have every episode of her two sitcoms on VHS.  I have the first seven seasons of her talk show also on VHS.  Which begs the question – what am I going to do with all those videotapes?  But when she came out as gay, I felt let down.  Not because Ellen DeGeneres came out – I loved that.  But I also loved Ellen Morgan – the quirky girl with an even quirkier group of friends.  It bears mentioning that the sitcom’s original title was These Friends of Mine.  But once she realized she was gay, she stopped spending any time with “these friends of hers”.  I didn’t like that.  It might have been what happened to DeGeneres, but it wasn’t funny.  Like her friends, I felt abandoned us – her fans.  Then Ellen and I rekindled during her talk show.  I enjoyed the funny gal visiting with celebrity pals.  But I didn’t like being told “be kind to one another” by someone who reportedly wasn’t so nice.  I heard first-hand horror stories.  But let me say this – every time I’ve met Ellen, she was nice to me.  OK, she didn’t invite me over to the house to hang out with Portia.  But she never slapped me or made me cry.  In her latest special, For Your Approval, I feel misled.  The message of the show is that she no longer cares what we think of her.  Or does she?  Who knows.  I still enjoyed it – especially the stuff about her mother, Betty.  It reminded me of the Ellen I knew and liked.  Before she dumped us.

Adding insult to injury (although I don’t believe anyone was truly insulted or injured), there in the audience of Ellen’s special…Oprah Winfrey!  Believe me, I don’t begrudge Oprah turning to Stedman and saying, “Let’s go to a comedy show tonight.”  She should do whatever she wants.  But seeing a closeup of her during the special…I dunno.  It just felt icky.  But she did seem to be enjoying it – or at least they managed to find 10 seconds of her laughing!

“He has funny taste in music.  He loves show tunes. 
He loves Cats – I’m not kidding.  On a rotating playlist
that he’d walk out to like hype music he’d play ‘Memory’!”   
– Alyssa Farah Griffin revealing Donald Trump’s hidden DJ skills. 
‘Cause nothing gets a crowd jumping like “Memory”!

Choosing this week’s opening quote was quite a tough call.  Who could turn down a one-word quote?  When asked what she would take away from her catastrophic appearance on Dancing with the Stars, Anna Delvey simply said, “Nothing.”  And you know what?  She was telling the truth.  In that moment, I almost respected her.  It’s like when people clap when their competitor wins an Oscar.  Nobody really buys it.  Just once, I’d like someone (other than Kathy Griffin) to mouth, “Motherfucker!”  So Anna, congrats for having a genuine moment on live television.  And shame on Alfonso for saying, “Oh, you had fun, stop it!”  No, you stop it, Alfonso.  She didn’t.

The biggest question I’ve received this week is this: why did Joe Biden walk onstage at The View, past Whoopi and Sara, and go directly over to Ana Navarro and then the rest of the panel?  Here’s what we didn’t see.  During the commercial break prior to his entrance, the President and First Lady came out and surprised the hosts and the audience.  He spoke to Whoopi and Sara before he was whisked backstage to make his official on-air entrance.  We noted that when he shook hands with Alyssa Farah Griffin, he leaned over to say something in her ear.  We now know he said that he admired her bravery in regard to speaking out against Trump.  FYI, he spent most of the subsequent commercial breaks as well as time after the show meeting and taking selfies with members of the audience.  I’m told he was particularly sweet to a 95-year-old grandmother who was in the audience.  Frankly, I think Biden was just tickled to finally meet someone older than him!

In yet another first, we’re venturing into uncharted territory with this week’s Ask Billy question.  John in Minneapolis says: “I hear there’s a vid of Chance the Rapper taking a piss showing his cock. Do you have it?”

And this, children, is why college doesn’t matter.  I have a degree.  I have even been known to cum loudly.  But does it matter?  Nope.  In the end, all that matters is a rapper peeing.  Sadder than the question is that I have an answer!  One night, Chance came home drunk.  While peeing, he saw a bug on the window sill and decided to film it with his phone.  Alas, prior to focusing on the sill, he aimed down.  Don’t judge – I’m sure you’ve all been there!  And if not, you can see what it’s like at BillyMasters.com.

When we’re more embarrassed for showing you the video than we are for Chance (or the question), it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  And potentially my career.  There goes a quarter of a century of work.  Eh, easy come, easy go.  Speaking of easy, the easiest way to find anything is to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that apparently has no standards.  And if you need something – anything – just dash a note off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Taylor and his mom’s next date night!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Meanwhile on the left coast (as a friend of mine used to say), the South Coast Repertory in Costa Mesa is mounting a world premiere play called Joan – a clever name for a show about Joan Rivers.  It was written by Daniel Goldstein, who claims to have been inspired by Joan’s climb to the top, her struggle to stay relevant, and her relationships.  For a show opening on October 27^th, it’s curious that no casting has been announced.  But I’m guessing they’re looking for an unknown.  How will it fare?  Grab a ticket at SCR.org and find out for yourself.

The 10^th anniversary of Joan Rivers’ death will be celebrated with an all-star tribute at the legendary Apollo Theatre.  Because when I think of Joan Rivers, I think of the famed Harlem venue!  This evening, which is also kicking off the New York Comedy Festival, is a fundraiser for Auntie’s favorite charity, God’s Love We Deliver.  Dead Funny – An All-Star Tribute to Joan Rivers (I kid you not) will take place on November 7^th.  And who are all the stars, you may ask?  Missy (who is co-producing the event with our own Erich Bergen) told an interviewer, “The lineup is…the top three female comedians performing right now.”  OK, let’s pretend that’s the truth.  So, who could it be?  Well, Kathy Griffin should be included since Joan loved her, but Missy clashed with her on Fashion Police.  Maybe Margaret Cho – who Joan also loved, and who replaced Kathy on Fashion Police.  Who else?  Well, maybe Amy Schumer?  Maybe Wanda Sykes?  Maybe Chelsea Handler?  I suppose it will be announced eventually on GLWD.org.

I must admit, sometimes even I miss things.  For instance, did you know that Alyssa Milano just joined the Broadway cast of Chicago?  Well, that’s likely not much of a surprise.  I mean…Melanie, Ariana, Christie, Pamela.  Why not Milano?  She’s there until November 10^th.  By the by, this marks Alyssa’s Broadway debut.  Now, I know someone out there is asking if Alyssa appeared in Annie as a kid.  Well, yes and no.  Yes, when she was 7 (or 8 – sources vary), she joined the second national tour of Annie.  Not as Annie herself, but as one of the orphans – at one point she was July, at another point she was Kate (the only difference likely being which scrub brush she used for “It’s a Hard Knock Life”).  But Alyssa never appeared on Broadway in any Annie production.

That said, Annie is returning to NYC – although Madison Square Garden sure ain’t Broadway.  But a bona fide Broadway star will be appearing in this latest incarnation – Whoopi Goldberg.  Prior to the NYC run, the show will play Chicago in November.  Then it will schlep to NYC, where Whoopi will join the cast during the second week of the run (her first show is December 11^th).  It’s there until January 5^th, and then continues touring sans Whoopi.

In case you haven’t heard, Whoopi’s Clara’s Heart co-star, Neil Patrick Harris, is also returning to the New York stage.  And he ain’t alone.  He’ll be co-starring with such folk as Jane Krakowski, Debra Messing, Billy Magnussen and Constance Wu.  The show is Robert O’Hara’s Shit. Meet. Fan. – which is a stage version of the 2016 film Perfect Strangers.  What might surprise you is that this starry production will take place at the Robert W. Wilson MCC Theater Space, which only has 450 seats – talk about intimate!  Performances begin on October 10^th and run through December 1^st.  You can grab what few tickets are left at MCCTheater.org.

Several of you have asked me how Patti LuPone can be on Broadway (with and without Miss Farrow) since she famously gave up her Equity card – Equity being the union governing Broadway performers.  While Patti has not rejoined the union, she is working under an Equity contract through their “financial core” loophole.  This means the production has to treat her as a member, and she has to pay the equivalent of membership dues to the union.  But she does not have certain rights – such as the ability to vote in union matters or run for office.  So, for now, Brooke Shields is safe (FYI – she is Equity’s Madam President).

Many of you (and I do mean many) have written in to chastise me for not giving an update on Austin Wolf’s child porn trial.  Because I’ve been trained to explain things to people who don’t know the details, Wolf was charged with distribution or intent to distribute child pornography – and if you want more details, go online and look it up yourself.  The last thing I need is federal agents busting in on me…again!  But I beg your indulgence for this belated update – which is really no update at all.  Wolf’s preliminary hearing was scheduled for July 29th.  Then it got rescheduled to August 28^th.  It’s now slated for September 27^th.  What do all of these delays mean?  People familiar with federal charges tell me that this means a deal is being hammered out – and we all know about Austin’s hammer!  If I know him, he’ll hammer in the morning, he’ll hammer in the evening, all over the cell block!

Since I’m dipping my toe into my gay porn past, let me take a brief moment and send out congrats to eternal pup Trevor Knight on his recent marriage to Sam Barrus.  They exchanged vows last week in Aspen, CO.

Our Ask Billy question made news everywhere, and yet Todd in Baltimore was the first one to tell me about it: “Is that tape of Shannon Sharpe having sex real?  Can you actually see him? I can’t find the video anywhere.”

I must confess, I had no idea who Shannon Sharpe was/is.  By now, I’m sure everyone knows that he is a very hot tight end.  Well, you’d think that alone would get my attention.  Admittedly, he’s a retired tight end, but his photos look appealing enough (he’s retired from playing football but can be seen on ESPN).  Moving onto the video.  In one of those instances you’d never find me in, Sharpe claims to have been having sex when he inadvertently recorded the tryst.  “I threw my phone on the bed, engaged in an activity.  I did not know IG Live.  I’ve never turned IG Live on so I don’t know how it works and all of a sudden my other phone started going off.”  I have to say I find this entire story somewhat suspect – especially since the phone happened to fall in a way that happened to record on Instagram Live, happened to not record any video showing him (aside from some fleeting skin), and happened to record a particularly vocal moment of coitus with some guttural moans not to be missed.  And, what do you know – prior to this nonvisual recording, there were gay rumors about Sharpe.  Call me skeptical, but you can also call on me if you want to see (or hear) all.  At BillyMasters.com, of course.

When we’re sharing a sex tape for the blind, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Alas, this unseen Michelle is the only one who knows how tight his end actually is.  But we’re staying on it and should this tight end crack open, you’ll hear about it on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always gets to the bottom of things.  If you wanna share a tip with me (or Shannon), send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Ronan leaves me a message!  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Speaking of Madonna, may I give her some unsolicited advice?  Enough with the capes.  Wasn’t it bad enough when she was almost decapitated at the 2015 Brit Awards?  For those of you who don’t remember (as opposed to those of us who watch the video daily), Madge was standing backwards on top of a staircase, with her long cape blowing in the wind behind her.  Dancers were supposed to pull the cape and it would tear away from her.  Alas, she tied it a bit too tightly around her neck, and she went flying.  I bring up this memorable moment in music history because last week Madonna was at the Luar show for NYC Fashion Week.  Again, she’s wearing a cape and thankfully she had at least three attendants helping her.  This time, the culprit was a pair of thigh-high stiletto boots which almost caused her to tumble.  Obviously she should have known better.  I think it even says not to operate machinery or wear capes when taking Boniva!  You can see the tumble and the near-miss on our website.

There was another story that hasn’t gotten nearly enough coverage.  Surely you recall that in the early hours of June 18^th, Justin Timberlake was arrested for drunk driving.  But was he drunk?  He refused a Breathalyzer test (which all good lawyers suggest is a smart move).  Last week in a Sag Harbor courtroom, Timberlake pleaded guilty to “driving while ability impaired” instead of “driving while impaired” – which I supposed is the difference between being tired and being drunk.  He has to do 25-40 hours of community service and make a public safety announcement.  He also paid a $500 fine (add a few more zeros and you get an idea of what he paid his lawyers).  After the hearing (to which he wore a pearl necklace), he said: “I try to hold myself to a very high standard for myself, and this was not that.”  I’d love for some English teacher to tell me how many rules he broke in that statement.  Justin added, “This is a mistake that I made but I’m hoping that whoever’s watching and listening right now can learn from this mistake.  I know that I certainly have.  And like I said – even one drink.  Don’t get behind the wheel of the car.”  Nice sentiment, but you still have to make the PSA!

In a somewhat related story, JC Chasez has been in the news.  No, really – he has!  Stop laughing!  Apparently, he’s teamed up with composer Jimmy Harry and will release an album next month.  Playing With Fire is a 16-track concept album based on Frankenstein!  I said stop laughing!  The press release says it will blend electronic pop and classical music.  The most curious thing about the press release was this tidbit – JC’s legal name is Joshua!

I don’t want to call Sabrina Carpenter a big fat liar – but that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  If you watched the VMAs last week (which I didn’t), you know that Sabrina showed up wearing what she said was Bob Mackie’s vintage gown made for Madonna’s appearance at the 1991 Oscars.  Sabrina said, “Madonna has always been incredibly supportive.  Word got to her that I wanted to do a Madonna look tonight, ‘cause of all the comparisons I get to her.  And she literally sent me her Oscars dress.  It was insane.”  And it sounds insane on so many levels – partially because I’m not entirely convinced Madonna knows who Sabrina Carpenter is!  Then Carpenter’s stylist, Jared Ellner, spilled the beans.  “Madonna still has the custom gown Bob Mackie made for her in her archive, but the other sample piece is the dress I believe we have.”  So, for those of you keeping track, it sounds like he doesn’t believe Madonna went down to FedEx and sent Sabrina a dress!  ‘Cause of all the comparisons, y’know!

Then Britney Spears weighed in.  Britney didn’t watch the VMAs – and that concludes this week’s installment of “Things Britney Spears and I Have in Common”.   Spears made it clear she too has no clue who Sabrina is.  “This Sabrina girl said my name on the red carpet and I thought that was kind of cool…This Sabrina girl…Carpenter!  Thanks!  That’s cool!”  Britney chimed in because Sabrina paid homage to Spears’ onstage kiss with Madonna by kissing an alien – and not the kinda alien that is eating all of the pets in a neighborhood.  In this case, it was an actor wearing a costume made popular in that fantastic FOX special, Alien Autopsy – Fact or Fiction? (and I can answer that for you – it was fiction).  Britney says she saw the clip online and wanted to share her opinion.  “Why is she kissing an alien onstage?  I didn’t understand that part.  Why didn’t she kiss a girl?”  And that concludes this week’s installment of “Things Britney Spears Doesn’t Understand.”

“It would be Joanna Gleason in Into the Woods. 
I should have won for Anything FUCKING Goes, OK? 
I love you, Joanna, but you robbed me.”   
– Patti LuPone’s response to Aubrey Plaza’s question on Hot Ones Versus:
“While you are a three-time Tony winner, you are also a five-time Tony loser. 
Which of the actresses that beat you deserved their win the least?” 
Ladies and gentlemen, Patti LuPone – National Treasure!

Apropos of our opening quote, Patti LuPone is starring alongside Mia Farrow in a two-character play on Broadway called The Roommate.  Alas, they’re one roommate short – Miss Farrow has been stricken with Covid.  Filling in for her is the marvelous Marsha Mason.  Of course, this will ruin one joke in the show – when Farrow’s character gets a voice message from her son – unless Marsha typically gets calls from Ronan Farrow!

This week’s Ask Billy question comes from Russ in Las Vegas: “I just saw a photo of Johnny Sibilly with a really hot guy that was described as his boyfriend.  Who is he?”

Johnny recently shared that he’s dating Phillip Davis, who is also undeniably hot.  Davis is sometimes described as a “cheerleader”, sometimes “an ex-gymnast”, but most often as an “OnlyFans creator” – and I think we all know what that means!  Last week, Sibilly celebrated his 37^th birthday in a special way – he shaved off his beard!  Phillip posted the following on Instagram: “Happy birthday to my favorite person.  You’ve brought so much happiness and love into my life from the moment we met and you make every day brighter with that perfect smile of yours that I’ll never be able to get enough of.  I appreciate and adore you more than you’ll ever know.  Have the best day my little baker, my cookie monster and my best friend.”  I felt like sharing the whole thing so that we can someday look back on it and smile…that knowing smile shared by most readers of BillyMasters.com.

When we’re featuring actors without beards, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  I know you’re all wanting to check out Johnny – with and without his facial hair.  You can find him (and Phillip) on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that always gives you something to celebrate.  If you have a question burning inside of you, send it along to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before my return flight on Spirit!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

Like so many jilted Bachelorettes before her, Jenn will be appearing on Dancing in the Stars (which I only say in memory of the late Barbara Walters).  While I usually criticize the use of the word “star”, certainly Oscar nominee Eric Roberts qualifies (he’s also an alum of Billy Masters LIVE).  Tori Spelling should be fascinating – in that trainwreck kinda way.  But what about Anna Delvey, the scammer who was immortalized in Inventing Anna?  Call me old-fashioned, but I bet it would be awfully hard to cha-cha-cha wearing an ankle monitor.

Anna’s partner is the newly recruited pro, Ezra Sosa.  And he’s made some headlines of his own because he’s openly gay.  GLAAD calls him the show’s “first Latin queer pro”.  I believe their first openly gay pro was Louis van Amstel, but don’t quote me.  But back to Ezra – you may recognize him because he’s been a member of the DWTS troupe for the past three years.  And, believe it or not, he credits a former contestant with helping him come out.  “She knew I was in the closet.  She knew I was gay.  But she also knew how uncomfortable I was in my own skin.”  Who was the celeb who helped him on his journey?  JoJo Siwa!  “I went on tour with her and it was constant days where she would put makeup on my face and I would be bawling in her arms because it made me so uncomfortable.  But really it was just because I was raised that that wasn’t okay for guys to wear makeup, for guys to wear glittery things, for guys to wear crop tops.  She was this person starting to introduce these things into my life.  And it took a very long time.”  Don’t take too long – crop tops have a decidedly short shelf life.  But for now, Ezra can pull it off just fine – as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

Another DWTS contestant is Stephen Nedoroscik – the so-called “pommel horse guy” from the Olympics.  A friend of mine told me he had a disability, which was news to me.  So, I looked into it, and I suppose it depends on how you define a disability.  Nedoroscik has a condition known as strabismus – which basically means his eyes easily cross which could cause double vision.  He also has colomba – which has to do with missing tissue.  These are somewhat helped by him wearing his trademark glasses.  But I was thinking he probably could have competed in the Paralympics.  But Stevie went for the regular Olympics, and that makes him more of a champion in my book.

I’m a big believer that people should be honest.  Not me necessarily, but people in general.  Apparently not everybody shares this sentiment.  Take the latest Bachelorette, Jenn Tran.  You know I haven’t watched the show since Chris Harrison’s ouster, so I had to read about what happened.  For those of you who also missed it, let me briefly bring you up to speed.  Jenn proposed to some guy; and then a few weeks later, he called her up to say he was no longer in love with her.  This led to a particularly tense After the Final Rose – which happens live (as opposed to the rest of the show, which is pre-taped and extensively scripted).  So let’s presume that this guy is telling the truth – in the weeks apart, he fell out of love with someone he met on a TV show while she was dating a dozen other men.  What was he to do?  Marry her anyway?  Perhaps send a candygram (do such things still exist)?  And what of all the guys who Jenn dated/made out with/slept with and then dumped?  Baby, that’s showbiz.

“When I received a medal for acting, she said, ‘You’ve been doing this for an
awfully long time.’  I said, ‘Well, not as long as you.’  I got a royal smile for that,
but then she said, ‘Does anyone still actually go to the theater?’  That’s bloody
rude when you’re giving someone a medal for acting.”   
– Ian McKellen on meeting Queen Elizabeth II.

I’m sure you all know I’m easygoing.  However, it is possible to rile me up.  Last week, I flew on Spirit – an airline I chose because my flight from Boston to Fort Lauderdale cost $32.  Naturally, I didn’t select a seat – because when you’re paying $32 for a flight, you ain’t gonna pay $25 for a seat!  While en route to the airport, I tried to check in, but the airline’s app was down.  I got to the airport and went to the kiosk to check in.  It said I had to go to an agent.  I went to the agent, who told me I missed the 45-minute cutoff to check in.  That cutoff typically applies when you are checking luggage.  Having no luggage and with TSA PreCheck, I had plenty of time to get to the gate.  But they said since I didn’t have a seat, it was impossible to check in.  However, if I paid $25 for a seat, then they could override it.  Ah, the ol’ shakedown.  We went back and forth, until I finally took out my credit card.  “So, you are willing to pay the $25?” the agent asked.  “No, I’m willing for you to charge me.  I will then dispute the charge, complain to the airline, and share my story all over the Internet.”  And you know what happened next?  She miraculously checked me in for free and sent me on my way.  Impossible, my ass.

Last week, we also had an inordinate amount of romantic stories.  We have one more to add to that list.  Over Labor Day Weekend, two Evan Hansens tied the knot.  Ben Platt and Noah Galvin are now married.  It was a multi-day affair – interrupted briefly by Shabbat for members of Ben’s family who are observant Jews.  Coverage called the event “very gay” and “very Jewish”.  Ben said, “For our Shabbat rehearsal dinner, I wanted to be a bride so I wore a skirt”.  For the ceremony itself, both men wore white suits.  It even included a duet sung by the grooms’ mothers.  If they sang “Sunrise, Sunset”, it would have been both gay and Jewish!  We wish the couple many years of happiness.  No, really, I’m not being sarcastic.

A budding reporter sent in this week’s Ask Billy question.  Roger in NYC says, “I was walking down Madison Avenue and saw a group of hot shirtless guys.  Did you know they were filming a scene for Sex and the City?”

I know you won’t get your press card with that kinda journalism.  Roger, Roger, Roger – it was a scene for season three of And Just Like That… – the sequel to Sex and the City.  But I knew what you meant – just like I know the hot shirtless guys in question are employees of Mario Cantone’s character Anthony at his Hot Fellas bakery.  Did you happen to see any of the girls there?  Because they were in the scene – as shot by someone named Mickey Blank for her social media page.  Naturally, you can check out more than their buns on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re serving hot guys and carbs, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Last week, it was crab cakes and peach cobbler.  This week, it’s herbs and loaves.  Last week wins!  We had Cher 1987, and Miss Richfield 1981.  Well, I’m Billy Masters 1969.  And ‘69 ain’t just a year, as you’ll see on www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s as limber as its owner.  If you’d like to find out for yourself, send your indecent proposals to me directly at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you once I get all of the sand out of my crevices.  Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

First there was Bigfoot.  Then, the Loch Ness Monster.  And now, a startling, unpredictable, almost other-worldly sighting – Wendy Williams in public!  On August 19^th, she was seen at Bolingo Balance, a Newark shop that sells herbal and holistic health aids!  The glamorous gabber was with her son, Kevin Jr., who explained to his mom what all the products were.  We’re told Williams knew where she was and could even walk unassisted.  The photo she took with owner Victor Bowman shows her in good spirits if not a good wig – as you can see on BillyMasters.com.

A sighting of Wendy Williams makes me think of Anna Nicole Smith.  Happily, her daughter Dannielynn was recently seen in a cosplay costume.  That means I had to look up what cosplay is.  It’s short for “costume play”, and it’s basically when people dress up as characters from anime and video games.  It started specifically with The Power Rangers, but now is a more widely-used term…none of which interests me in the slightest.  Larry Birkhead brought his daughter to Power Morphicon in Pasadena, where we are told the girl got to meet some of her favorite actors from Japanese live-action TV.  She was dressed as a few of her favorite Kamen Rider characters – Hino Eiji, Ankh, and a special version of Eiji being possessed by Ankh (I say as if I know what I’m talking about).

You’ll recall I recently took a road trip to Baltimore for the crab cakes (G&M and Olive Grove are my favorites).  Alas, I didn’t run into Kevin Spacey.  I guess he was busy since his Baltimore abode was foreclosed upon and sold at auction for $3.24 million.  It was snapped up by Sam Asgari, who is not the Iranian fitness model who married Britney Spears.  This is a Bethesda-based investor who does not have an “H” in his last name.  You know what else he doesn’t have?  Access to his house!  Reportedly, Spacey refuses to leave – not even for crab cakes!!  Making it even crazier, Asgari says, “He’s asking for six months to leave the property without paying anything.”  Spacey’s lawyers say, “The accusation by Mr. Asgari is false.”  But if Kevin is still there and not paying, what’s false?

With all the love in the air, you’d swear it was spring.  But here we are, a bit of a nip in the air, on the cusp of fall, and we have oodles of wedding news.  First up, our pal Billy Gilman tied the knot with his boyfriend, Anthony Carbone.  The ceremony took place on a 45-acre horse farm in Rhode Island – as all good gay weddings should.  Carbone said, “It was not about the pomp and the fuss of everything – but about what it all means to us.  I just really wanted to keep it simple, with the closest core of our family and friends who have watched our love story grow every single day.”  With over 120 in attendance, I can only assume my invitation got lost in the mail.

Then Rupert Everett made a shocking announcement – he got married earlier this year!  This is surprising since he previously called the institution of marriage, “not my idea of heaven” – which I suppose is better than it being his idea of hell.  Not surprisingly, he married longtime beau Henrique, who we hear is a Brazilian accountant.  A “friend” revealed, “Henrique is absolutely charming.  He’s rather quiet and happy to let Rupert take centre stage” – which begs the question, where can I find a Henrique of my own?  While details remain scarce, we’re told the low-key ceremony took place at London’s Camden Town Hall, followed by lunch at Ciao Bella – Dutch treat, I’m sure.  “I have always hated weddings, although I do love funerals,” Rupert quipped.  I do hope that wasn’t his toast!

Speaking of Rupert, the Ogunquit Playhouse will host the world premiere musical version of My Best Friend’s Wedding.  The songs all come from the Burt Bacharach–Hal David songbook, and the cast includes two of our favorites.  Tony-winner Matt Doyle plays Michael – the best friend in question.  Assuming the role of George (made famous by Mr. Everett), we have our own Telly Leung, who will undoubtedly deliver his special brand of sass.  The show runs September 26^th through October 27^th, and you can get tickets at OgunquitPlayhouse.org.

Not all marriages weather the storm.  It’s with that sentiment that Leah Remini and her husband Angelo announced they are splitting up.  This one saddens me, because I liked them as a couple.  Sure, we never know what people are like when the cameras aren’t rolling.  Leah acknowledges that in her statement about why the marriage didn’t last.  “To put it simply, we both changed, as people do, and we got used to playing roles that didn’t fit us anymore.”  Ain’t that something?  I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it explained as honestly before.  Good luck to them both.

“My heart is broken that I’ve lost my mother this past weekend. 
Sadly, in a tragic turn of events, my sister lost her life on the same day.”   
– Mariah Carey notes the passing of her mother, singer Patricia. 
While it may be a tragic turn, Mimi does not say that the death of her estranged sister Alison
– who has been HIV-positive since 1990 – was particularly sad for her.

After spending so much time overseas, I ended my summer with back-to-back excursions to Provincetown.  Why didn’t I just stay there?  Give a fella a chance to catch his breath – and get more condoms!  During my first jaunt, I saw the terrific Thirsty Burlington in Cher 1987.  Like her previous show (Cher 1975), this is locked into a specific era of the diva’s career.  While Cher spent most of the ‘80s focusing on acting, 1987 marked her return to recording such hits as “I Found Someone”, “We All Sleep Alone”, and “Bang Bang” – all sung live by Thirsty.  What is Cher without spectacular gowns?  Earlier this summer, Bob Mackie gave Burlington his seal of approval, so that’s good enough for me.  Having this talented diva back where she belongs is a gift that keeps on giving.  She’s at The Crown and Anchor on Tuesdays through September 17^th.  Grab your tickets at OnlyAtTheCrown.com.

I then caught Jamie Morris and his talented troupe at the Post Office Café and Cabaret for The Devil Wears Payless.  I was curious how he’d turn this flick into an hour show.  Cleverly, he jettisoned several subplots and focused his abundant gifts on the moments we all wait for (he did similar work with Mommie Queerest).  Morris’ impersonation of Ms. Priestly is a jewel, and the rest of his players provide the perfect setting.  It’s a clever and triumphant evening of high camp in the best way possible.  It runs through October 6^th, at which point it will likely trickle down to some tragic dinner theatre in your locale.  Until then, get your tickets at PostOfficeCafe.net.

Later in the week, I returned to Provincetown to see John McDaniel and Liz Callaway – again at the Post Office Cabaret.  There aren’t enough superlatives in the world to describe Liz Callaway.  Strike that – she revealed that one critic called her the Marni Nixon of animation (look it up).  Quite simply, she is sublime.  If I were someone who believed in God, I’d say he kissed those golden vocal cords, which show no sign of stopping.  That she is as down to earth as anyone with her extraordinary talent only makes me love her more.  The show included a generous portion from her live, Grammy-nominated CD, To Steve With Love: Liz Callaway Celebrates Sondheim.  You can still buy it at all good (and not-so-good) retailers.  Credit McDaniel for bringing her to Ptown and collaborating on a delightful show filled with lots of fantastic medleys – and harmonies!  And there’s dish.  You do know about her filling in for Streisand, right?  There’s only so much she can say, but say it she does.  Thanks, Liz (and Johnny).

One could say I saved the best for last.  Certainly, it’s hard to top Miss Richfield 1981 – although scores of people have tried.  Her show, Phony Baloney, grapples with the AI crisis – and nobody is facing more of a crisis than Miss Richfield herself.  Armed solely with her Sharp cell phone (bought at Radio Shack, y’know), she’s had capacity audiences in stitches all summer at the Pilgrim House as she tries to tackle technology.  She’s assisted (and sometimes not assisted) by audience members who don’t know what they’re getting into.  That’s all for the best.  Her material is fresh, her mind is lightning fast, and her costumes…well, at least she’s got her mind and material.  Oh, she’s also got shows at the Pilgrim House until September 14^th.  Get your tickets at PilgrimHousePtown.com.

An intriguing Ask Billy question came in just under the wire.  Doug in Houston asks, “Who is Pavel Durov?  I just saw him on the news, and they showed some shirtless photos of him.  WOW!  I never heard of him before.”

That makes two of us.  Durov is the founder of VK and Telegram Messenger.  He’s been called “the Mark Zuckerberg of Russia” – which I don’t believe is completely complimentary.  He’s worth over $15 billion and claims to have fathered over a hundred children through sperm donation in twelve countries.  He’s from Russia, was raised in Italy, and currently lives in Dubai.  Actually, he currently lives in a French prison, because Doug’s e-mail referred to news that Pavel was arrested in Paris.  He’s accused of being complicit in a variety of crimes facilitated through Telegram, an app which is unmoderated.  That’s all well and good, but what about his hotness?  He’s certainly handsome, with great hair and arms – as is evidenced in his interview with Tucker Carlson (who never met a Russian he didn’t like).  Durov also favors wearing tight-fitting black shirts – when he wears a shirt, that is.  The shirtless photos of Pavel sporting a superhero body taken during a trip to Bali seem slightly “enhanced”.  And let’s not even discuss the Speedo.  For that, you’ll have to decide for yourself – on BillyMasters.com, naturally.

When a billionaire knows where his sperm is, it’s definitely time to end yet another column.  Did you know that this week, we are celebrating the 29^th anniversary of this weekly column?  Yes, week in, week out, I’m dishing the dirt – for close to 3 decades.  I guess that’s what separates me from a billionaire.  While they’re sending out sperm with a tracking device, I’m giving it away willy-nilly.  For more willys, you’ll have to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’s available in more than 12 countries, that’s for sure.  Of course, if you’d like to help “distribute” bits of Billy, send a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll get back to you before my next road trip!  So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

While we’re talking sports – and this is a very weak segue – the family of Richard Simmons has revealed his cause of death.  Simmons’ brother Lenny released this statement: “The Coroner informed Lenny that Richard’s death was accidental due to complications from recent falls and heart disease as a contributing factor.  The toxicology report was negative other than medication Richard had been prescribed.”

Speaking of gay icons, Liza Minnelli has been the subject of numerous reports for years…even decades.  Her longtime friend, Michael Feinstein, has often been included in these reports – some of which claim Liza wanted to marry the openly gay (and married) musician, or that Feinstein was a Svengali virtually keeping Minnelli hostage.  Despite these stories, Michael has always remained silent – until now.  He took umbrage at a report from Rob Shuter – and gave numerous examples of his erroneous earlier reports, as well as firsthand accounts of his encounters with Shuter.  Rob’s current stories states that Liza’s “close friends” (whoever they are) are concerned that Feinstein is helping her write her autobiography.  They are allegedly worried it will be more about Feinstein than about Minnelli.  Michael says, “Liza asked me to help her with her book and I will do so, and it is only because it was her request that I became involved.  She sure doesn’t need me that’s true, but wanted me to help.  So I will.  She has amazing editors who will assure that it is her story, period.”  Feinstein continues, “The irony is, the reason she is even writing her book is so that her voice will be heard to finally and definitively speak about all the bullshit that people like Rob have been writing, so now she can tell her truth.  Go Liza!”

Who knew that political conventions are a hotbed of gay activity?  I suspected, but it seems to be true – if the Grindr algorithm is even slightly correct.  On the first night of the DNC, television coverage caught a guy on the hookup app in the audience.  And he wasn’t alone.  Thousands of Grindr users reported the site crashed throughout the week.  This activity was not limited to Democrats – just as many people complained about outages during the RNC.  I guess we have more in common than we thought.  One person posted the following: “The DNC might crash Grindr, too, but they will do it joyfully and without shame.”  Another said, “The only difference between this behavior and the same behavior at the RNC is that the dudes at the RNC are hiding the screen from their wives.”

I dunno where I’ve been – Europe, I suppose.  But Billy Porter and Joe Biden met at an event celebrating Juneteenth.  Fine.  What took me aback (and affront) was that when they met, Billy kissed Biden’s hand!  And there’s photographic proof!  I took it in a kinda Papal way – ‘cause I was in Italy most of the summer.  However, many people took it in a racial way – of a black man bowing to and kissing a white man’s hand!  That the black man had on some kinda caftan/dress is a whole other issue which I will leave to the theologians.  So The Hollywood Reporter asked Porter about the criticism.  “What they don’t know and what they didn’t see in the photos that they didn’t run was that I kissed the vice president’s hand too.  I kissed the second gentleman’s hand as well.”  Well, that doesn’t make it any clearer to moi.

“Here is a sentence I never thought I’d hear myself saying:
I’m Pete Buttigieg, and you may recognize me from FOX News”   
– Pete Buttigieg at the Democratic National Convention.

When did so-called legitimate businesses become run like vendors in a Turkish bazaar?  Last week, I tried to transport a car from Boston to Fort Lauderdale.  Invariably, I’d get a quote, accept it, and pay a deposit.  Then I’d be told that trucks in the area would charge three times the quote – take it or leave it.  I’ve previously shipped cars all over this country, but I have never encountered such deceptive tactics as this.  While I was in negotiations, my family celebrated the birthday of Big Mama Masters – a woman known for getting her way.  She once made a street vendor cry in Rome after talking him down from one hundred thousand lira to $2.50 – which isn’t quite the jump you’d think.  Inspired, I decided to simply drive the car to Florida myself.  My first stop was Baltimore – for crab cakes.  The next stop was Savannah – for peach cobbler.  By the time I got to Florida, I was 20 pounds heavier and had a trunk filled with cobbler and crabs – all for half the original quote.  Take that, you shifty vendors!

While I was in Savannah eating my weight in peach cobbler, JD Vance was trying to get somebody – anybody – to wait on him in a Valdosta, GA donut shop.  At this point, you should be laughing your head off at: a) the image of JD Vance in a donut shop, 2) the setting of Valdosta, GA, iii) that Vance has purposely asked the press to eliminate the periods after both J and D – which I would have done anyway, but still… (three extra periods here, just because).  His intrepid team sent him to a donut shop where the lady at the counter refused to be on camera!  Needless to say, this made ordering a challenge.  Then JD didn’t seem to know what he wanted.  “We’re gonna do two dozen.  Just a random sort of stuff here.  It’ll be a lot of glazed here, some sprinkled stuff…whatever makes sense.”  You know what makes sense?  Knowing what kinda donuts you like!  Watching the video (which is on BillyMasters.com), I pictured Trump downing a dozen donuts right then and there!  Never trust a guy who doesn’t like donuts.